Fear Itself
by Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Summary: Ashley Davies is in a band and objects when they want to bring in a new member, a Miss Spencer Carlin. Drama will ultimately ensue as our girls find themselves drawn to each other
1. The Music

**Usual Disclaimer - I do not own the South of Nowhere characters…unfortunately**

**Ok so here is the first chapter of my new fic…what do you guys reckon continue it, scrap it?**

**Please read and review.**

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**Anam Cara**

**Chapter One - The Music**

Ashley's POV

"That was great guys," Julian called out as he lay down his guitar and wiped the sweat from his brow with a towel he then chucked over the amps.

I lifted the strap of my bass guitar over my head and placed it in its stand carefully, "Are you kidding me Julian? That sucked! The whole sound was off, not to mention your voice is totally wrong for that song." I tucked a curl of mahogany hair behind my ear and groaned in frustration. We had been working on this new song I'd written for over an hour now and it was going up shit creek.

"Well you know I have a way of fixing all this…" Julian began only to be cut off by yours truly.

"Save it Julian. We do not _need_ another band member, we just need to work harder to get this right!" I snapped. Julian had been going on and on about this friend of his, some girl with a dudes name who was supposed to be insanely talented. It was starting to piss me off just a tad.

"Look Ash you just said it yourself that something is off, maybe a new band member is just what we need. Can't hurt to hear the girl play now can it?" Jen asked as she leaned on the keyboard in front of her. I glared hard at her, us girls were supposed to stick together! It's like the rules of feminism!

"Ash you know they're right, how about we go and see this chick, just see what she's like and how she plays. It's not like we're committing to anything, it's just a look," Grey said as he idly tapped on the symbol with his drum sticks. I hate it when they gang up on me, bastards!

I sighed, I knew when I was beaten, "Fine we'll go see this chick, but I'm not saying I want a new person in this band, you got it?"

I saw Julian holding back a triumphant smile, I would have to castrate him if he let it show. "Ok Ash, that's fair. Spencer is performing tonight with the LACA orchestra so we should check it out and then meet her afterwards. I really think you guys will love her."

I grunted and rolled my eyes, I was really mad at myself for caving and now my punishment was having to go and see some pretentious orchestra play a bunch of shitty classical crap…worst night out ever.

"Jules, what's the LACA?" Jen asked tucking a strand of auburn hair behind her ear.

"It's the L.A. College of the Arts. That's where I met Spencer while I was studying the cello and she was studying the violin and singing. She got a job there right after graduation as a tutor and teaching assistant and she's been the principle violinist in their orchestra for over a year now, she is the youngest principle violinist in the history of the LACA orchestra." Julian said with pride, seemed to me like this Spencer chick meant a lot to him, didn't mean I wanted her in my band.

"Classical musician huh? That'll go really well with the whole rock band thing we got going on," I deadpanned.

"C'mon Ash, stop being so damn negative. Just wait til you see her perform and meet her before you judge ok?" Julian pleaded.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Fine we'll go see little Miss violinist tonight." I guess the universe hates me, that or I have some bad karma to work off. Its probably the second one.

I guess it really wouldn't hurt to go see this chick play, the band was one of the most important things in my life and if little miss principle violinist could help with that then I guess I had to give it a shot. Don't ever tell the others I said that, Ashley Davies does not admit to being wrong!

The band had formed a year ago. Julian had been in another band with Grey since high school and Grey was friends with Jen who had dated my best friend Aiden. The three of them had come together and then set out to find a fourth band member. Aiden tipped them off about me which led them to an open mic night at a local club, Gray. There they found what they were looking for in the form of the last performer of the night, one Ashley Davies.

And me, well I'm the child of Rock Royalty. My Dad is Raife Davies, lead singer and guitarist in the band Purple Venom. They hit it big in the 80s and have been touring ever since. It meant that I didn't see a hell of a lot of my Dad growing up, but it also meant that I inherited some mad music skills. I think my first toy was a guitar actually.

I have been in love with music for as long as I can remember so this band meant a lot to me, which I guess is why I was being such a brat about bringing in someone new. My music was all I really had and I didn't want to fuck around with that, but I said I'd give the girl a chance and I will. Stupid fucking band members ganging up on me.

A few hours later I found myself in a rather uncomfortable seat in the auditorium of the Los Angeles College of the Arts. I was fidgeting so much that Julian promised to buy me dinner if I'd behave myself, Jen and Grey just laughed at us.

As soon as the music began Julian pointed out a blonde woman sitting in the front row on the left side. From my distant perspective she looked kinda hot, but the whole white shirt, black skirt and plait was a bit too stiff for me. She seemed pretty talented I will say, I mean I know absolutely nothing about classical music but she was good and then she stood up and did her solo.

Oh my God that solo, it was transcendent. You know how I said I knew nothing about classical music, well I don't, but I do know what moves me and the solo piece this Spencer woman performed moved me to tears. The music was powerful and sad yet hopeful. In short it was breathtaking.

I was captivated for the rest of the performance, my eyes never leaving the blonde who threw so much passion and intensity into her music. You could see how the music invaded her and took over her body while she played. It was like everything fell away for her and all that was left was the magical sounds she was stirring from that violin. After the performance Julian smirked over at me and said, "So you liked it huh?"

"Yeah I did, I still don't think a classical violinist will work in our rock band but I'll grant you she is incredibly talented." I said honestly.

"What you think the violin is all she plays?" Julian laughed and shook his head, "C'mon guys lets head back stage so you guys can meet her."

We followed Julian back stage and watched as he greeted the majority of performers on his way back stage to find Spencer. We were informed that she was getting changed so we waited for her in the rehearsal room. I was admiring a rather nice grand piano when the door behind me opened and I heard Julian squeal, yes he squealed. I spun around to find him spinning a drop dead gorgeous blonde girl around in his arms.

He set her down and called us over, "Guys I want you to meet my favourite blonde, Spencer. Spence this is Grey, Jen and Ashley."

Spencer turned to me and I felt like I was drowning in her ocean blue eyes. She was so different from the woman who was up on stage. Gone was the uptight look, instead she was wearing a short jean skirt with a frayed hem, a vintage Beatles t-shirt and green Converses. Her long blonde hair was hanging in loose waves around her face, having been released from the plait she'd had it in to perform.

"Hi guys, it's nice to meet you. So what'd you think of the performance?" She asked. My God her voice was so hot! All husky and sexy. I completely lost the plot and just watched her as she interacted with the others. I was so lost in her that I didn't even register when they all turned to me waiting for my response to some question.

"Ash, Ashley!" Julian said waving a hand in front of my face.

"What? What's going on?" I said as a blush coloured my face.

"I'll take it from that, that you didn't like the show?" Spencer said with a smirk.

"What, oh no I really liked it, it was great," I stammered out. Spencer just nodded with an expression that told me she didn't believe a word I was saying to her. Hell I wouldn't have believed me either.

"So Spencer how do you feel about coming to a little jam session with us tomorrow, it'll give you a chance to do something other than all this classical crap that's making you crazy," Julian asked with a grin. I was thinking he might have a tiny crush on the gorgeous blonde, not that I blamed him at all she was hot!

"Hmm that's pretty tempting Jules, you certainly know how to woo a girl dontcha?" Spencer said with a teasing smile, "But actually it sounds great, I'll be there. Hey guys the performers usually go out for drinks at a bar down the street after a show if you guys wanna come? I promise we aren't as stiff and uptight in real life as we seem on stage." We all laughed and agreed to head out with them.

I will admit that I was rather intrigued by this gorgeous blonde and was looking forward to spending some more time with her. She was so not what I was expecting at all.

Ok I think I just had an aneurism! Spencer just reached up to hug Julian and her t-shit came up to show off like half of her incredibly toned and perfectly tanned abs with an undeniably sexy tattoo on her right hip. Now I have no idea what that tattoo said, all I know is that is was hot.

"Ash you're drooling," Jen whispered to me. I turned around and glared at her before giving her the finger and following the others out of the room.

Thankfully Spencer hadn't noticed my creepy stalker like staring and was now leading us out of the auditorium and down the street to a funky little bar called Pella. As soon as we walked in Spencer was being hugged and kissed by everyone, and I mean everyone! She was like freaking royalty in this place.

Spencer led us to the bar and then made my mouth drop open in shock when she walked straight behind the bar and asked us all what we wanted.

"Um Spencer, I don't think you allowed to just walk behind the bar like that," I said nervously, just waiting for the bold blonde to get yelled at and tackled by the burly bouncers.

Spencer and Julian just laughed and Spencer leaned over the bar so she could talk to me without having to yell over the music and the crowd, "Honey it's all good my brother owns the bar and I work her occasionally, plus I kinda live upstairs."

I felt her breath tickle my cheek and I wanted her right there and then, on the bar in front of everyone. Spencer stepped back and grinned at me, "So what can I get you? On the house."

We ordered our drinks and then watched her get all Coyote Ugly, and by that I don't mean slutty and dancing on the bar (not that I would have minded that), I mean that she began mixing drinks like she was a pro. It was a bit of a turn on…ok so it was a lot of a turn on.

Spencer gave me a gorgeous smile as she handed me my vodka, lime and soda and walked around the bar to stand beside me with a beer. She had the most incredible smile on her face as she bobbed her head to the music. I was about to ask her to dance when Julian grabbed her hand and dragged her forcibly out onto the dance floor. Spencer giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck as they began moving to the music.

I officially hated Julian in that moment. Jen came up and stood beside me, "So what do you think of Spencer?"

I wiped the condensation off my glass with my finger before answering her, "She seems nice and talented, I still do know how a violinist will fit into our band though. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when she comes to play with us."

"Yeah I'd bet you'd like her to 'play with you,'" Jen said with a smug look on her face.

"What the fuck are you talking about," I said quickly, a little too quickly going by Jen's roaring laughter.

"Ash are you kidding? You've been staring at her non-stop all night. Just admit that you think she's hot. Hell I'm straight and I think she's hot!" Jen said as she watched Spencer dance with Julian.

"Ok so she's hot, but that doesn't mean I'm interested in her!" I insisted. Jen clearly wasn't buying it. She shook her head, laughed and wandered off to join Grey at the bar. I sipped my drink and watched the blonde on the dance floor, God she could really move.

Spencer raised her eyes and they locked on mine. It was weird, I felt an intense connection with the beautiful blonde as our eyes burned into each other. Spencer winked at me and smiled before turning around to listen to something Julian was trying to tell her.

I felt all strange inside. It was a feeling I hadn't had before. I had a feeling that things were about to get pretty interesting in my life.


	2. Jam Session

-1**Here's chapter two.**

**Thank you to all who reviewed on chapter one and encouraged me to continue this fic.**

**Hope you like this instalment.**

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**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Two - Jam Session**

Spencer's POV

I woke up with a nasty hangover, the hazard of knowing the owner of a bar and getting free drinks. My head felt like an elephant was sitting on it and I was about 98.5% sure that if I moved I was going to upchuck.

I groaned and carefully slid over so I could scrambled out of bed and bolt for the bathroom to empty my stomach. I hadn't drunk so much in a damn long time. I was on a high from the performance, my violin solo got an awesome response and the orchestra sounded tight. Afterwards I was so happy to see Julian, he was a great friend and I hadn't seen much of him of late.

He introduced me to his band members and I felt instantly drawn to the gorgeous brunette with sexy mocha eyes. Ashley…man even her name is hot. Usually I'm not so confident with people but with her I couldn't help it, and I like that she brought that out in me. I may have flirted a little bit but it was harmless because I'd never let it go anywhere, not after the last time…

I got home and there was a message on my answering machine from Tom. Who is Tom I hear you ask, well he's my stable, good looking, successful, lawyer boyfriend. In other words he is a mother's dream for their daughter. We've been together about three months now, I wouldn't say its particularly serious at this stage.

I bet you're confuse seeing as I just admitted to being drawn to Ashley and even flirting with her a bit, so am I.

Anyway after hearing Tom's message I pretty much passed out on my bed to sleep off the copious amounts of alcohol I have consumed. This always happens when I hang out with Julian.

After I had emptied my stomach into my toilet that morning, I took a long shower and had some coffee and toast, which made me feel a hell of a lot better. After that, feeling slightly more human, I got dressed and tried to ignore the fact that I was putting far too much effort into my appearance seeing as I was going to a casual jam session to see if me in this band might work. I'll be honest, I had my doubts.

It took Julian a fair bit of effort over the years to convince me to even consider joining his band. I had a good thing going at the college, a future as a violinist but Julian knew what I was too afraid to admit, that I felt suffocated by it all. I love classical music, but it gets a little boring. I had been writing my own stuff for years and none of it was even remotely classical.

So I guess I'd better tell you how Julian finally managed to convince me after years of trying.

_[Flash Back]_

_I walked into the little café near my apartment and found Julian already waiting for me. He ran his hand through his stylishly messy black hair and gave me a huge smile as I took a seat next to him._

_We ordered our coffee and caught up for a bit, gossiped about mutual friends from school and talked about the latest music we both loved. Be careful about ever getting two musos in the same place because they will talk for HOURS about music._

_After a few hours and like 4 coffees Julian gave me a smirk and said, "I kinda had an ulterior motive in inviting you here today."_

"_Oh yeah? Well I guess you'd better tell me then," I said rolling my eyes, I am a compulsive eye roller just so you know. _

"_Spencer I know we've talked about this before but I really think you should consider joining my band. We have a great sound but something is missing and I think that something is you," Julian said with a huge smile._

_I laughed good naturedly. Since we had graduated from the Los Angles College of the Arts together over a year ago, and well right through college actually, Julian had been trying to convince me to be in a band with him. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. I loved my job at the LACA but it wasn't my passion. The thing is that is was stable work and as a musician that is rare. _

"_Jules, we've been over this, I have a good job and I don't have the time to commit to a band with all the orchestra performances and rehearsals. I just can't do it," I said with a small smile._

"_Spencer, in all seriousness we need you. You're talent is being wasted in that orchestra. You are so much more than a classical violinist. I've heard you play and I've heard you sing, that's what you should be doing. Also don't even lie and tell me that you haven't got like 100 songs you've written yourself. Music is who you are Spence, don't hide in that orchestra anymore." Julian leaned over and took my hand in his._

"_It's not that simple Julian, I made a commitment and I have a contract," I said reasonably._

"_I checked it out and your contract officially ended last week and now your not obligated to stay if you don't want to." Shit I hadn't known that._

"_Jules, I'm a classical violinist, I so won't fit into the whole rock scene."_

_Julian threw back his head and laughed, "Are you kidding Spencer? You are more Rock than me! Do you forget that I am a classically trained cello player? Baby I'm you, I've just had the courage to break out of the classical bubble and go after something that makes me passionate about music again._

_Spencer I can see you are exactly where I was after graduation. I felt suffocated by the rules and conventions of the classical scene. I wanted so badly to make music that changed people and I felt like I couldn't do that so I went out and found a way I could."_

_I shook my head and sighed, "ok so say you're right, say I am feeling suffocated and constricted by the world I'm in, how is joining your band going to change that for me?" _

"_Because with us you can find your passion for music again. You can play and sing songs that come from you soul, songs that may have the power to change people. Look everyone in the band is awesome and they are all so talented but there is something missing. How bout you give it a chance? I'll bring the gang to your performance tomorrow night so you can meet them. No obligation just meet them and see what you think. If you like them then we can go from there, ok?" Julian asked with an expectant smile._

_I rolled my eyes, "Fine, but I'm not committing to anything!"_

_Julian laughed, "Great, all I ask is that you give it a chance. Oh and we still need to convince once of the band members who is a little hesitant to change anything. She's stubborn like that, kinda like you."_

"_Great Julian, insult me and impose me on a band who doesn't want me, that's brilliant," I teased._

"_She'll come around, Ashley is just too stubborn for her own good," Julian replied._

"_Ok bring them to the performance and we'll go from there, but I'm not promising anything!"_

_[End Flash Back]_

So here I am outside Julian's place, where the band's practice space is. For some reason I'm nervous and I can't stop thinking about a particular brown eyed brunette. I take a deep breath and jump out of my little dark blue SUV. I was pulling my two guitars and my violin out of the trunk when a familiar, raspy voice asked, "Can I give you a hand Blondie?"

I spun around to find Ashley leaning against the letter box. "Uh yeah that'd be great, but don't ever call me Blondie."

Ashley gave me a weird look, "Ok sure, can I ask why? I'm sure you've gotten it a lot in the past." She took the guitar case I passed her and we began walking inside.

"Um well an old partner called me that and I hate being reminded of that relationship. Let's just say it didn't end well and leave it at that," I answered vaguely. I kinda left out the part where my old partner was a woman.

"Enough said, I'll just have to think of a different nickname for you then," Ashley said with an understanding smile.

"Or you could just call me Spencer or Spence like everyone else does?" I asked with a grin.

"Nuh too boring, I'll think of something. Come on in and join the musical madness!" Ashley shoved the door open and we wandered in, everyone else was already there. It was an awesome space, equipped with two drum kits, countless guitars and basses, a key board and an upright piano, a heap of amps and a killer sound system with more Cds and vinyls than I had ever seen in my life. There were also worn leather sofas and numerous posters of bands and musicians. I fell in love with the space immediately.

"Hey Spence, so glad you made it!" Julian swept me up in his arms.

I greeted Grey and Jen and we made small talk for a while. I couldn't help but notice the way that Ashley always seemed to be watching me, her eyes seeming to see right through me. It was unnerving, but I didn't want her to stop for some unknown reason.

"Ok Spence why don't we jump right in, you wanna play us something on the violin?" Grey asked with a kind smile, I liked him. He was very much so the older brother type who would always look out for you.

"Well actually if you don't mind I'd like to try the guitar first," I pulled my Gibson out of its case and carefully tuned it. This guitar was one of my most prized possessions. I started strumming softly ad Julian picked up his guitar and sat down beside me.

"What do you say we do that +44 song we used to do at college?" He suggested. I nodded and put down my Gibson to pick up my Fender Bass, affectionately named Josie. Julian grinned and moved to his guitar as Jen moved to the keyboard.

"Make You Smile?" She asked. Julian and I nodded and we began playing.

Julian sang the first line and I came in on the second. I noticed that as soon as the words left my mouth Ashley sat up straighter and locked her eyes on me. It's an awesome song and it felt good to be singing with Julian again. Back in college we used to jam together all the time.

Once the song was over I beamed over at him as they all started to clap. I swung my eyes around and gazed into the captivating mocha eyes I hadn't been able to get out of my head since the second I'd met the brunette in front of me.

"Spencer that was awesome, you have a great voice, I think we should get you and Ash to sing something together, I reckon that'd sound rad!" Jen said excitedly.

I looked over at the brunette and gave her a smirk, "I'm game if you are."

"Ok let's do it," Ashley got up and picked up a guitar.

"So what do you want to play?" I asked with a subtle head tilt, which seemed to make her lose her train of thought, "Ashley? What do you want to play?" I asked again with a huge smirk.

"Um do you know Love Song by The Cure?" She asked tentatively.

I nodded and beamed, "It's one of my favourite songs actually, I don't even mind the cover Anberlin did of it."

"Yeah that was pretty awesome," Ashley sent a nose-crinkling smile my way as we moved to our instruments. Julian picked up a guitar, Grey to the drums, Jen settled herself behind the piano as I slung my Gibson over my body and Ashley put down her guitar so she could scoop up a bass, pretty similar to mine.

Grey counted us in and we began to play. Ashley and I began to sing together, I took the first verse, her the second and we came together for the chorus. We sang in perfect harmony, which was amazing seeing as we had never sung together before.

"Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am home again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am young again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you  
However long I stay I will always love you  
Whatever words I say I will always love you  
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you  
However long I stay I will always love you  
Whatever words I say I will always love you  
I will always love you"

The sexy raspiness of her voice complimented the husky quality of mine. Our voices worked so well together. As the last note faded Ashley turned to me wide eyed and whispered, "Damn."

I just smiled. There was silence for a second and then the other three began yabbering excitedly about what a perfect fit it all was.

We played a bit more music, I showed them my skills on the piano and the violin and sang a few more songs. They all seemed really excited, even Ashley who I knew had been hesitant about bringing in a new member to begin with. I was sprawled on the couch with my head resting on Julian's knee after we had played for like two hours. I guess my shirt had ridden up a bit, I was too tired and hung over to notice, because the next think I knew the softest fingers ever ran over my hip.

"Fear Itself," Ashley murmured as she read the tattoo on my hip and traced the ink with her fingers. If anyone else had done that I would have flipped out, but with her I didn't care for some reason. I raised my head to meet her eyes, she smiled down at me, "What's it mean?"

"It's something my Dad is always saying to me, 'the only thing to fear is fear itself.' I guess I always liked it, kind of like a reminder to not be afraid. Plus it was the name of an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer which was one of my all time favourite shows growing up," I said with a chuckle.

Ashley laughed and nodded, "I like it. Actually…hang on a second…Fear Itself…that'd be a great name for the band. What do you guys think?"

Julian looked thoughtful for a moment before a huge grin spread across his face, "I love it."

Jen clapped her hands together enthusiastically, "Yeah me too." Grey just nodded, he doesn't say all that much.

"Spence? What do you think?" Ashley asked with a smirk in my direction.

"I get a vote?" I asked dumbly.

Julian laughed, "Well yeah, as our newest band member you get a vote." The others all laughed and nodded. I locked eyes with Ashley and she grinned her approval.

I chuckled, "Well I love it. Can I ask why you didn't have a name until now?"

Julian grinned sheepishly, "We could never agree on one, it's been a problem for us. See Spencer you're already making things better! Thank God for your tattoo."

"Yeah tell my Mom that, she almost had an aneurism when I got it," I laughed.

"So Spencer, you're in the band?" Julian asked with a beaming smile.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah Jules I'm in the band! I guess I give the orchestra notice tomorrow." My band members all laughed, my band members…that's got a nice ring to it.

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**Songs in the Chapter:**

**- Make You Smile by +44**

**- Love Song by The Cure **


	3. Revelations

-1**Thank you all for the reviews on Chapter 1 and 2.**

**dttdemon & DushkusBitch - Thanks for your review!**

**mutt009 & somthgIlike2do - Cheers, I love The Cure too, that song is one of my all time favourites**

**uluvme - Yeah Spencer has a bf, sorry about that. I promise you there is a method to my madness!**

**DontMindBnCrazy - I love a musical Spencer too. Ash and Spencer will make sweet, beautiful music together lol**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Yeah Spencer so drives Bobbi lol I had to let her borrow my car lol. Glad you got the BtVS reference lol, I thought you might. Hip Tat + Ashley's fingers tracing it = hotness. Glad you like the fic so far!**

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**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Three - Revelations**

After Spencer officially agreed to join the band I felt oddly excited. With her in our band I had a feeling we might actually make a name for ourselves. Singing with her felt more right than anything ever had, we worked. I was looking forward to getting to know her and having her as a part of my life, which was weird because I'd only known her like a day.

We headed off to Pella to celebrate, free drinks make any celebration a good one! I found myself getting a lift with Spencer which was great. I was finding myself drawn to the gorgeous blonde, in a way that should scare the shit out of me, but it didn't. We settled in the car and Spencer popped in a CD.

"So I was thinking about a nickname for you," I said with a smirk.

Spencer raised her eye brow and smirked right back at me, "Oh yeah? What did you come up with?"

I paused for dramatic effect and grinned, "I've decided to call you Blue."

Spencer grinned and let out a tiny giggle which made my heart skip a beat, "Ok then, not exactly original Davies but I'll take it." I pouted making her laugh. She reached over and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. As soon as her hand touched mine I felt a charge go through me, it was intense.

I think Spencer felt it too because her eyes widened for a brief moment before she pulled back her hand and laughed awkwardly. "Um, I like Blue, so does that mean I get to call you Brown?" She asked, clearly trying to move on from the awkwardness that had suddenly sprung up between us.

I smiled, "Blue you can call me anything you like." Spencer laughed and began singing along to the music coming from the car stereo. We pulled up in the private car park behind Pella and jumped out of the car.

"Hey Brown I'm just gonna run up to my place for a minute to drop off these instruments, I hate leaving them in the car their like my children and this violin is worth more than everything else I own put together," Spencer said with a gorgeous smile.

"Sure, you wanna hand Blue?" I asked. I'll admit I was curious to see where she lived. You can tell so much about a person by looking at their home.

"That'd be great thanks Ashley," Spencer squeezed my shoulder and beamed at me. I took the case containing her gorgeous Fender bass and followed her through a door and up a set of stairs. She unlocked her front door and held the door open so I could enter first.

I walked in and my mouth fell open, this was the most incredible place I had ever seen! Now I come from a wealthy family so I have always be used to having the best of everything, but this place was a little slice of heaven.

The room we walked into was all open plan with a living room, kitchen and dining area. The floors were a light wood which was offset by the warm cream walls and high ceilings that gave the place an openness you rarely find in apartments. The whole west side wall of the apartment was one huge window, which bathed the entire room in light which at the moment was rather muted as dusk approached.

I walked further into the room and felt my feet sink into a lush burnt orange rug on the floor of her living room. Around the rug was two huge cushy brown leather sofas and several dark wood side tables with various candles, vases and nick-knacks on them. An antique chest sat in the centre of the rug as a coffee table. Across from the sofas was a huge plasma with surround sound hidden strategically around the room. There were some beautiful paintings on the wall in colours to match the colour scheme. The whole open plan area was decorated in warm browns, burnt oranges and deep olive greens. It was the type of place where you instantly feel at home.

I turned around to face Spencer and grinned, "Awesome place Blue!"

Spencer smiled shyly, "Thanks, I'll give you the dollar tour while we dump the instruments in the music room." I nodded and followed her through the archway between the kitchen and the living room areas. Our feet echoed on the hard wood floor as we walked down a short hallway. Spencer stopped in front of the first door and pushed it open, "This is the study/library."

In side there was a huge dark wood desk with a laptop, scanner and printer. One wall was completely covered by shelves of books while the other was covered in photos and clippings from magazines and newspapers. I took a quick look around before Spencer led me down the hall to the next room which was the bathroom. It was luxurious with a huge bathtub and a lot of candles.

The next room we went into blew my mind. "This is my music room," Spencer said with pride.

"Wow," I breathed. The room was filled with musical instruments and organised around a mahogany baby grand piano. There were violins, a cello, acoustic guitars, an acoustic bass, several electric basses, electric guitars, a double bass and most remarkably a harp. The walls were covered in pictures and posters. Some were of classical musicians or famous composers while others were tour posters or album covers of rock bands and other artists. There was a music stand over flowing with sheet music and an open chest filled with even more. There was a worn brown leather arm chair under the window with blank music composition sheets just waiting to be filled.

On the wall to my left there were rows upon rows of shelves full of vinyls and CDs with a huge and impressive sound system on a low table. She had music from every single genre imaginable, bands that even I had never heard of. It was amazing.

"Wow," I whispered again.

"You said that already," Spencer said with a smirk as she placed the violin in its place and took her bass from me. "So you like it then?"

"Are you kidding? I love it! This is the most beautiful room Spencer, God you must be so inspired in here!" I gushed excitedly.

Spencer smiled, "Yeah I am. In here nothing can touch me and I can be free. Music has always been my escape from everything else in my life."

I nodded, understanding completely, "I know exactly what you mean. Whenever life gets fucked up, as it inevitably does, nothing besides getting lost in music can help. I could live without a lot of things but never music."

"It's nice to see we have something in common Brown," Spencer smirked and led me from the room. "Ok last stop on the grand tour, this is my bedroom and fuck are you lucky I actually cleaned it yesterday!" Spencer swung open the last door in the hallway and let me walk in first.

I stared around the room in awe, it was beautiful. The same light wood made up the floor in here and the walls were the same warm cream but this room was different. The bed was a huge king sized one with an elegantly intertwined wrought iron headboard in black. The bed covers were indifferent shades of blue, from a deep midnight blue to a soft sky blue. There was a huge black rug covering the floor under the bed, which would give the person getting out of bed a soft place for their feet.

A large black chest of draws stood against the wall beside the door with an array of perfumes and other bits and pieces on top of it. Under the massive floor to ceiling window in front of the bed there sat a grey, black and deep blue stripped love seat with a small table to the side. On the walls there were various charcoal drawings, mostly of nude women (oh hello does this mean what I think it means?). The room was elegant but still comfortable. It was very Spencer.

"I love those sketches Blue, they are incredible!" I said standing in front of a rather large one of a woman lying naked on her side. The woman looked so sad and broken, it was deeply moving. She also looked kind of familiar, I though she might have been famous.

Spencer stepped up beside me and smiled up at the sketch, "Yeah I love them too. My sister in law Chelsea drew them for me. I actually posed for this one."

My mouth fell open and a wonderful visual played in my mind, "You posed nude?"

Spencer laughed, "Yeah, it was liberating and I loved every second of it."

I looked at the blonde with a new found respect before turning back to examine the sketch more closely, "Oh my God it _is_ you! I can see your tattoo and the eyes are so you. Wow this is really incredible Spencer, you're beautiful."

Spencer blushed and smiled shyly, "Thanks, that's all down to Chelsea, she is an amazing artist she could make anyone look good. So what do you think of the apartment?"

"It is incredible, this room and well the whole place! This place is fucking amazing Blue! I don't mean to sound rude but how the fuck did you afford it?" I asked.

Spencer laughed, "Well this was my brother, Glen's, place and it used to be a real dump until the bar took off and he got it fully renovated. About a month after the renovations finished his girlfriend, Kate found out she was pregnant so he moved into her place to help out. No one was living here so he let me take it over and in exchange I help at the bar every now and then. Plus the job I have at the LACA pays pretty good, which is how I afforded the furniture and stuff."

"Your brother sounds awesome," I said with a grin. I loved my sister but I doubt I'd give her an apartment like this out of the goodness of my heart.

"Yeah he can be an ass sometimes but for the most part he is pretty great. Come on down to the bar and I'll introduce you." Spencer grabbed my hand and dragged me out of her apartment. Her hand fit perfectly in mine and I felt tingles spreading from our joined hands, up my arms and flowing all through my body. I hadn't felt anything like it before.

We entered Pella through the staff entrance at the back and quickly made our way to the bar where the rest of the band was already waiting. Jen looked up and smirked at our linked hands, making me blush but not let go. I would hold that soft hand in mine for as long as she would let me!

"So where have you two been?" Julian asked as he handed each of us a beer.

Spencer took a drink and then answered, "We took my stuff upstairs and then I gave Ashley a tour, had to impress her some how didn't I?" Spencer winked making Julian laugh. I just smiled.

A tall blonde guy walked over and slung an arm around Spencer's shoulder, "Hey baby sister, Julian tells me he finally convinced you to leave the stuck up world of classical music and join his band. About time!" The guy, who I'm assuming is her brother, gave her an affectionate hug, making her drop my hand.

Spencer hugged him back hard and said, "Yeah he convinced me, I always knew he'd wear me down eventually then all I had to do was blow them away." Spencer pulled back out of his arms and turned around to face us, "Glen this is the band, Julian you know, this is Grey, Jen and Ashley."

We each shook hands with Glen who gave us a warm smile, "It's nice to meet you guys. Oh and good luck dealing with my diva of a sister!" Spencer slugged him hard in the stomach, making the rest of us laugh. Glen pulled her into another hug and messed up her hair. They were so clearly siblings it wasn't even funny!

Glen left soon after, he got a call from his very hormonal girlfriend who desperately needed pickles and ice-cream…cravings I guess. Julian got us all a round of shots and a beer. Personally I don't like shots but Julian is damn hard to say no to. Once each of us had a shot of some horrid smelling green liquor Julian raised his in toast, "Here's to Fear Itself and our newest member, Spencer Carlin!"

Spencer blushed and we all clinked our shot glasses and downed the disgusting alcohol. All of us, besides Julian, ended up coughing and spluttering from the foul shit he just made us drink. I saw Spencer drinking deeply from her beer and copied her, anything to get the taste of that shit out of my mouth.

"Julian that was fucking foul!" Jen said hitting his arm hard. Julian just laughed and sipped his beer. I could tell he was enjoying our pain. Asshole. After we'd recovered from the disgusting shot we all settled in a booth and started really getting to know each other. I soon realised that the more I knew about Spencer the more I wanted her for more than that gorgeous body of hers.

Everything about the blonde was making me crazy. From the way she spoke, the sound of her laugh, the way she titled her head, her remarkable smile, to her love and passion for music this girl was everything I had ever wanted and more. It felt surreal to me that I had only met her twenty-four hours earlier.

We all talked for hours as Julian and Spencer regaled us with stories from their time at the LACA. It was obvious that they were really close. While we talked the drinks kept flowing, making the conversation and revelations flow.

After a particular embarrassing story that involved Spencer turning up in her pyjamas to a music exam. Jen took pity on her and they headed out to the dance floor which was just starting to fill up. Spencer and Jen began moving to the music and I was once again reminded of what a great dancer Spencer was.

Her lithe, graceful body moved easily and instinctively to the music making men and women alike stare at her. Spencer's eyes caught mine and she crooked her finger at me to get me to join them on the dance floor. I was by her side in a second.

Spencer, Jen and I danced together for a few songs and then Jen disappeared to get another drink, giving me a wink as she walked past. Once Jen was gone Spencer grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to her. We danced close, both moving together to the deep bass in the song.

After a minute I couldn't resist anymore and I put my hands on her hips. Spencer's breath hitched as she moved closer to me and put her hands behind my neck. We moved together to the music, our eyes locked the whole time. The feel of her moving against me was the best sensation I had ever experienced to date. It was incredible. Our bodies fit perfectly together as they moved in time to the beat.

We danced a few songs like that and then I felt Spencer's body tense up and she pulled away. I looked up at the taller girl questioningly, but her eyes were locked on something else. A tall, well dressed Jesse Metcalf look a like walked through the crowd and pulled Spencer into a hug that she half heartedly returned.

"Spence! I have been looking for you everywhere," The guy said in a deep voice. I looked him over and saw only arrogance and possessiveness.

Spencer forced a smile onto her face, which was so fake compared to every other smile I'd seen on her face since I'd met her. She kissed the guy on the cheek and turned to face me. "Tom this is Ashley, Ashley this is my boyfriend Tom."

Boyfriend? Did she just say boyfriend? What the fuck? How did I not know she had a boyfriend? I choked back my shock and put a smile on my face just as fake as the one Spencer was wearing, "Nice to meet you Tom."

"Likewise," He muttered reluctantly taking my offered hand. He looked around like a bored child and possessively held Spencer to his side. Spencer looked decidedly awkward in his arms, like she'd rather be anywhere else.

I already hate the guy. From his perfectly styled hair to his immaculate clothes he is a prize tool and not nearly good enough for the beautiful blonde who was so full of life and passion. In all fairness though I had only just met him and my feelings may have been clouded by the feelings I was starting to have for this guy's girlfriend.

"Spence I think we should head out now," Tom said with a frown, he clearly didn't want to spend any longer in the bar than he had to.

Spencer sighed and nodded, "Just let me say goodbye to everyone ok?" Tom nodded, kissed her roughly and possessively on the mouth before throwing an arrogant smirk in my direction and walking to the door.

Spencer turned to me with a look I couldn't read and murmured, "Sorry about him, he…well I guess that's just Tom. I'd better go. I'll see you at rehearsal on Monday." Before I could respond Spencer had turned on her heel and disappeared into the crowd to find the others.

I headed to the bar and got another drink, I needed it. I couldn't understand how I had read the signals so wrong! I was so sure that Spencer was gay and I could have sworn she had been flirting with me. Plus the way she danced with me earlier…it was too intimate to have been purely platonic.

Feeling more confused than I had since high school I downed my drink and headed off to say good bye to the rest of the band. As I neared their booth I turned to the door and caught Spencer's eyes as Tom pulled her out onto the street. She looked miserable as she gazed back at me in a manner that could only be described as longingly. Feeling even more confused I said my good byes and headed home.

I couldn't get the look in Spencer's eyes as Tom dragged her away out of my mind. What did it mean? While Tom was around she was a different person, miserable and quiet, but when he wasn't it was like she came to life. Fuck this was doing my head in!

I was so fucking confused, I couldn't wait to see her again so that I could try to make sense of it all.


	4. Secret Song

**Thank you so much to all who reviewed. **

**uluvme, WillowOn3, mutt009 and MrsMusgraveTNG - you guys have been great thanks so much for the awesome reviews!!**

**Hope you like Chapter 4!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Four – Secret Song**

Spencer's POV

I sighed and rubbed my eyes as I sipped my coffee. I was sitting in my car about to go into my first rehearsal with the band and I had just had the weekend from hell. Friday had started off brilliantly. The awesome jam session, showing Ashley my place and then hanging out at Pella with the gang. And then Tom had shown up.

I was so embarrassed by the way he acted towards Ashley, not mention the way that he had refused to even go and say hi to the others, including Julian whose brother he'd gone to high school with. He had behaved like a possessive, childish jerk. Once we'd gotten back to my place we'd ended up having a huge stupid fight.

_[Flash Back]_

_I stormed up the stairs and slammed open my door. Tom followed me with a smug grin on his stupid, perfectly chiselled face. As soon as he closed the front door behind him I spun around and screeched at him, "Would it have killed you to be nice or at least polite to my friends tonight?!"_

_Tom just ignored me and walked into the kitchen to help himself to a beer from my fridge. I stood there fuming as he walked around like he owned the place, like he owned me. "Well? Are you going to say anything?" I yelled. _

_Tom calmly put his beer down on the bench, "Spencer you are being far too emotional here. Those people are nothing to me, hell they should be nothing to you! I can't believe you're giving up such a prestigious position with the LACA orchestra to play in come dinky little garage band with that no hoper you went to college with!"_

_I had to hold my hands behind my back to keep from taking a swing at him. "Those people are my friends Tom. They are good people, talented musicians and it is an honour that they are willing to let me play with them. As for the LACA orchestra I was being suffocated, I hated it there Tom. I want to sing and write songs that effect people, that's what matters to me. God you are such an asshole!" I stomped out of the room and down the hall to my bedroom._

_I looked up at the sketch of me that Ashley had been admiring, which made the beautiful brunette come to mind. I felt so confused. It was so easy to be with her, but I couldn't go there again. Not after what had happened._

_I was standing with my back to the door when Tom came in, "Spencer you are being ridiculous! I just want what's best for you and I am in shock that you are throwing away a position you worked so damn hard to get. Just wait til your mother hears about this!"_

_I spun around and glared at him, "Oh of course you'll go running to my mother, why am I not surprised! Fucking hell Tom if you love my Mom so much why don't you just date her instead?!" _

_Tom just smiled that stupid arrogant grin of his and stepped up to me pulling my body against his. I tensed up but let him crush his lips roughly against mine. I couldn't help but think that if Ashley were to ever kiss me it would never hurt like Tom's kisses did._

_Tom thrust his tongue violently into my mouth and I almost choked on it. After what felt like an eternity he pulled back and looked down at me, "I don't want your Mom, I want you. Spence you're mine, remember that the next time your little brunette friend lays her hands on you."_

_I swallowed nervously and raised my eyes to meet his, "What are you talking about?"_

_Tom's grin became a sneer, "what I'm talking about Spencer is the little dyke, Ashley I believe her name is, that was all over you on the dance floor. It is not to happen again. You will remember that I am your boyfriend and you will act as such. Your Mom told me all about what happened at college and I will not allow that to be repeated now. Do you understand me?"_

_I went to argue with him but the cold calculating look on his face silenced me. The past was never going to let me be free. I was never going to be allowed to forget what had happened. I swallowed down the rage I felt and nodded. Tom smiled and held me against him painfully tight, "Good. I'm sorry we had to fight baby. You know I love you."_

_I mumbled that I loved him too and let him lead me to my bed. I lay beneath him, letting him take my body knowing that he would never have my heart or soul. As I lay beneath him my mind drifted and the vision of a brown eyed brunette took me away from the man inside of me. _

_[End Flash Back]_

From there the weekend had gone from bad to worse. On Sunday night Tom and I had gone to my parent's house for dinner, which would be wonderful if only my mother wasn't there. I adored my father, brothers and their girlfriends but my mother was the bane of my existence.

When I was younger me and my Mom had been really close, but all that changed when I stopped living up to her expectations of me. I guess you never really know that a parent's love is conditional until you don't behave the way they demand of you.

My mom loved Tom, she thought he was the epitome of what a partner for her daughter should be. She forced us together and relentlessly wore me down until I agreed to give him a chance, three months later and I'm stuck. I don't want to be with him, but I can't disappoint my mother again, not after what happened in college…

I was startled from my thoughts by a tapping on my car window. I turned and my eyes met the most beautiful mocha eyes that have ever been in existence. I gave her a small smile before grabbing my bag and coffee and jumping out of the car. "Hi Ashley."

"Hey Blue, are you ok you look like you've been crying?" Ashley asked with concern.

I raised a hand to my cheek and was surprised to find it damp with tears. I hadn't even realised I'd been crying. I forced a smile onto my face, "I'm fine, just had a long day at work."

Ashley looked at me like she wasn't buying it but she kindly let it go. "So you're still working at the LACA right?"

"Yeah, I quit the orchestra but I'm still doing music tutorials and acting as a teaching assistant to the violin teacher. I love helping people find their passion in music," I said softly ad I walked around to my trunk. I opened it and pulled out my Gibson and Fender bass. Ashley reached over and took the Fender from me and we walked in silence towards Julian's front door.

I couldn't look at her, it was too bewildering and too painful. My brain felt like it was going to implode from all the conflicting thoughts and emotions that were running through it. Instead I led the way into the house and out to the rehearsal space where everyone else was already tuning their instruments and stuff.

Jen gave me a huge smile and a quick hug, while Grey just gave me a big brotherly hug and Julian gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Hey Spencer so glad you're here, let's get this underway!"

The next two hours were spent getting me familiar with the songs in the bands catalogue. Many were original songs while the rest were covers. A lot of rehearsal time was spent showing me the original songs, they were good…no they were great songs and I caught on pretty quickly but it was going to take a fair bit of work for me to nail them.

I said as much to Julian who immediately called Ashley over, once she joined us he said, "Ash I was thinking that maybe you and Spencer could put some extra work in to get her up to speed on the songs. Seeing as you wrote them it would make sense that you were the one who helped her learn them. Hell maybe Spencer can help with the ones we can't make work."

Ashley nodded and smiled at me, "Yeah I'd be happy to, I think you and I just might work well together."

I swallowed and nodded with a forced smile, "Sure sounds good. We can…uh do it at my place in my music room if you like?"

"Sounds perfect, I'm free tomorrow if that works for you?" Ashley said with the most beautiful, nose crinkling grin I have ever seen.

"I'll be at work til 2 but after that I'm available," I said.

"Perfect." Ashley beamed at me and I couldn't help but smiled back. Working with her was going to be a unique form of torture for my confused and overwhelmed brain.

----------

I walked into my apartment at 2.45, running about thirty minutes late. I had been held up at work, again, and now Ashley was due at my place in 15 minutes so we could work on the songs. The place was a fucking pig sty. Tom had come around last night and as always left the place like a tip. He can truly be so thoughtless!

I raced around trying to make the place as presentable as possible, managing to do a pretty decent job of it if I do say so myself. I was just throwing the last beer bottle in the recycling when there was a knock on my front door. I looked down and sighed, I hadn't even gotten a chance to change out of my work clothes, stupid fucking Tom!

I swing open the door and give Ashley a warm smile, despite how confused and messed up my feelings for her are I am happy to see her. "Hey Brown." I murmur softly, stepping back to let her in.

"Hey Blue, did you just get in?" She grinned and pointed to my rather conservative teaching attire of a pair of charcoal grey slacks and a black shirt.

"No shit Sherlock," I said with a grin, making her laugh. Oh God her laugh…it is beautiful. I knew I had to stop thinking about her like that, nothing would or could ever happen between us. I wouldn't let it.

We walked to the centre of the living room and stood awkwardly, Ashley holding her guitar case. "Um can I get you anything? A drink?" I asked desperate to break the silence.

Ashley shook her head and smiled softly at me, "No I'm good thanks, want to get started?"

I nodded and lead her down the hall to the music room, "Um if it's ok I'll just go and get changed quickly, this isn't the most comfortable outfit to rehearse in."

"Sure Blue, I'll get the music all ready to go," Ashley beamed at me and turned to her bag.

I walked down the hall to my bedroom and quickly changed into a pair of comfy jeans and a black tank top. I pulled my hair up into a messy pony tail so that it was out of my face. I couldn't resist a quick sprits of perfume before I headed out of my room. I tried to tell myself it was because I was stinky from work, not because I wanted to smell good for Ashley…even I didn't believe myself.

I padded on bare feet into the music room, unheard by the gorgeous women in there. Ashley was standing in front of the window just looking out over the park that was across the road. She looked so peaceful and perfect in that moment I wanted to forget everything and just hold her in my arms.

She must have felt me looking because she turned around and grinned at me. I blushed at having been caught staring and moved further into the room. I took a seat on the piano stool and idly tapped on the keys, a nervous habit of mine. "So should we get started then?" I said, trying hard not to look over at her.

"Sure Blue. Hey are you alright?" She asked softly, moving to stand beside the piano. I nodded and unconsciously began playing Ode to Joy on the piano. What can I say when I'm nervous I can't keep my fingers still. Suddenly I felt her fingers on the back of my neck lightly tracing over my skin.

"Another sexy tat Miss Carlin, wow you are so not what I'd expect from a classical violinists. I'm impressed," She said with a smirk as her fingers traced the tattoo on the back of my neck. I couldn't help but shiver at her touch, which I think she felt because she took her fingers away. "Why a vine Blue?"

I smiled as I thought about the day I'd gotten that ink done. "The first tattoo, the one on my hip, was one I could easily hide from my Mom (although she did eventually find it) but this one was my rebellion," I paused and both me and Ashley laughed, "I got it in the summer between my first year at college and my second. I was sick of conforming to the classical music world that my mother wanted for me and what better way to make a statement than to get something tattooed on myself. I chose the vine because a) it looked hot and b) because it symbolised growth."

Ashley smirked and said, "Well it is certainly hot Blue."

I blushed and bit my lower lip, "Thanks Brown. So you got any tats?"

Ashley threw back her head and laughed, "Yeah, maybe I'll show you sometime." She winked at me and I felt a rush of desire course through me.

I smirked and said, "I'd like that," then reality kicked in and I remembered why I couldn't do this with her. I cleared my throat and looked purposefully away from her. Ashley immediately picked up my changed in mood and a slight frown made its way onto her beautiful face. We existed in an awkward silence for a while, neither of us knowing quite what to say.

"So it was um nice meeting your boyfriend the other night," She finally said hesitantly. I think it was her way of showing that she knew why I couldn't give into what we were both obviously feeling. If only Tom was the only problem.

Pushing those thoughts away as best I could I scoffed, "Yeah nice."

She lowered her head and looked at her feet, "Why didn't to mention you had a boyfriend?" I just shrugged, the answer was one I wasn't even sure of. "Ok, so how long have you guys been together?"

"About three months. My mother introduced us, he acted as divorce lawyer for one of her friends." I answered still playing away on the piano.

"Wow a lawyer huh? Isn't that every mother's dream for her daughter?" Ashley smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Yeah I guess, my mother loves him. Um so shouldn't we be working?" I asked, desperate to stop talking about the man I was meant to be falling in love with.

"Yeah you're right. Ok so here is the songs we'll work on today, please let me know if you can think of any changes or improvements we can make. I'd love to get your input," Ashley walked over to a stool across from the piano and pulled an electric guitar onto her lap and flicked on the amp. I moved beside her and pulled the strap of my Fender bass over my head before flick on another amp.

We played for over four hours, going over songs until I knew them by heart. I have always been blessed to be able to learn music by ear so that really helped speed the process along. Ashley was sublimely talented and I was blown away by the songs she had written. Between the two of us we made a few changes and the songs were sounding brilliant. We worked incredibly together.

"Wow that was fan-fucking-tastic Blue!" Ashley exclaimed as we finished off the last song we had been working on. I just laughed and set my bass back in its stand.

"We make a good team Brown," I smile over at her.

"That we do," She said with a slight smirk. I swallowed audibly and tried to distract myself by moving to the piano and playing the music to a song I had been writing.

Ashley's POV

I closed my eyes as I listened to the beautiful melody Spencer was playing on the piano, "Hey Blue, what song is that?" I asked opening my eyes and gazing over at her.

"It's one I'm writing at the moment, it doesn't really have lyrics yet and it's not good," Spencer bowed her head and took her fingers off the keys.

I looked at her in disbelief, "Are you kidding that melody is really beautiful, um maybe we could work on it together?"

Spencer grinned over at me and nodded, "Yeah that'd be good, once I get all these songs down we'll do that."

"You got any other songs you've written that you might want the band to perform?" I asked excitedly, she was so talented I had a feeling that anything she'd written would have to be pretty freaking amazing.

"Yeah actually I have, I have a few CDs with the songs I've recorded, would you like to hear some?" She asked shyly. I liked her shy, she was so cute. Although all the mixed signals I'd been getting from her were giving me a head ache.

"Yeah Blue, I'd love to," I answered her with a smile. Spencer went and pulled out a few CDs and handed them to me as her phone started to ring.

Smiling apologetically she picked it up, her smile disappearing when she saw the caller id. She opened her phone and answered, "Hello Tom," as she walked out of the room.

Wow I have never seen someone so unhappy about speaking to their boyfriend or girlfriend. It was seriously strange. She seemed so miserable with him and I swear to God she has flirted with me from time to time, I just didn't get it.

I opened the CD case in my hand and an unlabeled CD slid out from behind the cover. Ok so curiosity is one of my biggest faults so I walked over to the stereo and put the CD in. I hit play and a beautifully recorded song began to play. I put my hand on my chest and tapped along to the beat, and then the angelic voice of Spencer Carlin spilled from the speakers.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in  
Cos I got time while she got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst  
She finally met someone that's gonna put her first

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven"

_Wait a second is she singing about another girl?_ I thought to myself, more confused than ever. I listened to the rest of the song, my mind running on overdrive as I listened to the lyrics that Spencer was singing._  
_  
"What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason  
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding  
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces  
(One still in love while the other ones leaving  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

You got her heart and my heart and none of the pain  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.  
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains  
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in  
Cos I got time while she got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces  
(One still in love while the other ones leaving  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)"

The music faded out and I sat there is stunned silence. There was no doubting it, that song was Spencer singing about breaking up with another girl. _What is going on?_ I thought to myself. The song was beautiful, the pain and heartbreak had flowed out of the speakers straight into my heart and I felt tears on my cheeks.

"Enjoy that did you?" Spencer snarled from the door way. I spun around and saw her standing there, arms crossed glaring daggers at me. "I don't remember giving you that particular CD to listen to, but thank you so much for invading my privacy."

I looked at her shocked by the degree of anger she was directing at me. "Spencer I'm sorry it fell out of one of the cases you gave me to listen to, I didn't realise it was something you didn't want me to hear. I'm really sorry."

Spencer closed her eyes and swallowed hard. When she opened her eyes again her big blue eyes were shining with tears which made my heart ache for her. "No I'm sorry Ashley, I shouldn't have gotten so angry, wow I haven't listened to that song in a long time," she took a shaky breathe and walked into the room and threw herself gracefully into the worn leather arm chair in front of the window. I walked over and perched on the piano stool.

"That song was one of the most heart breaking things I have ever heard. Um…"

She cut me off, "If you want to ask a question Ashley just ask it," She said tiredly, her big blues eyes reflecting her resignation.

"That song, it's about a girl isn't it?" I asked tentatively.

Spence gave me a sad smile and nodded, "Yeah it is. Her name was, well is Kate and we were together for just over a year. She was beautiful and kind and she cared about me. We met in our junior year of high school when she moved to my school. We connected instantly, it was intense and really confusing. We were friends at first, best friends but there was always something more to every hug, every touch, always some hidden meaning to it all.

Then one night, just after our junior prom actually, she kissed me and that was it. I had never felt anything like it before. We started seeing each other and it was pretty much perfect. The only problem being my mother. Mom is very religious, her uncles were both priests and she has been forcing religion down our throats since we were kids.

I remember once seeing a lesbian couple holding hand while I was at the grocery store with my Mom, this was shortly after me and Kate got together. My Mom saw the couple and wouldn't stop talking about how disgusting it was and how she hoped I knew what a huge, unforgivable sin homosexuality was." Spencer wiped away a tear that trickled down her face and gave me a broken smile. I felt my heart break for the woman sitting across from me. She took a deep breathe and continued her story.

"So after that I was too scared to tell her I was dating a girl. I loved Kate more than I have ever loved anyone, aside from my Dad and brothers. She was everything to me, but after a year she hated hiding who she was, hiding our love from everyone. She came out just before the end of senior year but I refused to. I insisted that our relationship remain a secret. That broke her heart, she hated hiding and I hated hurting her but I was fucking scared.

We began to fight a lot, all the time in fact. Kate just wanted us to be like a regular couple and not have to sneak around but I couldn't, I just couldn't. In the end it became too much for her and she broke up with me. God the pain of that was so bad, and the worst part was that no one knew why I was so broken because I had never let them see the beautiful girl who loved me.

I broke Kate's heart and my own. About three months into our first semester at college, Kate was a USC, she started seeing another girl. Once I heard about that I got drunk and stayed that way for about a month. I almost flunked out of school but managed to pull it together, the music was too important to me to fuck up. It was after that when I wrote that song."

I leaned forward and took her hand in mine, squeezing gently, "Spencer thank you for sharing that with me. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know what that fear feels like and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

Spencer gave me a slight smile, "thanks, I know I haven't known you long but I get the feeling I can trust you Brown."

"You can I promise you." I was dying to ask questions, so many questions. She had never openly stated that she was gay or even bisexual but after hearing that story and seeing how she was with Tom I was pretty sure that she was gay.

Spencer dried the tears on her cheeks and gave me a watery smile, before she yawned. "You're tired Spence and it has been a long day, I'll leave you to it." We tidied up the music room and Spencer walked me down to my car. After I stowed my guitar safely in my car I turned around to face her.

She looked so beautiful standing there under the street light, but also so vulnerable. I could tell how scary it was for her to open up to me like she did. I smiled at her and said, "Spencer I understand how scary it was for you when you were with Kate. Hell when I came out in high school it was the scariest thing ever and my relationship with my mother has never been the same so I get it, I do. I'm here if you ever want to talk or anything ok?"

She bit her lip and nodded before pulling me towards her for a warm hug. It felt so completely right to be in her arms, like it was exactly where I was meant to be. I breathed in deeply and the delicious scent of her surrounded me. She smelt of vanilla and raspberries and I wanted to stay in her arms forever.

Spencer pulled back out of my arms gently and gave me a warm smile, "Thanks Brown, for everything." She pushed some CDs into my hands and murmured, "Here's the songs I've written, let me know what you think." I beamed and nodded, I knew how personal my music was to me so it meant a lot she wanted me to hear hers.

We said our goodbyes and I got in my car. I waved and began to drive off my mind running over her story again and again. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to Spencer after Kate and before Tom. I had so many questions, fuck it was so confusing!

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**Song in this Chapter is Breakeven by The Script (I've just slightly altered the lyrics to fit the situation) **


	5. Father Knows Best

**Wow do you guys really not like Tom lol. He was written to be hated and to be honest I kind of hate him too. **

**Thanks so much to all who took the time to review, it really means a lot!**

**dttdemon – At some point I think the Tom problem will be addressed**

**somthgIlink2do – Tom is a douche and I agree, Spencer won't be able to figt her feelings for much longer**

**Water Queen 19 – Thank you for your review!**

**LoveAsh87 – Thank you, Tom is an a-hole and I am loving building the Spashley relationship**

**WillowOn3 – What happens next you ask…well I guess you'll have to read to find out lol**

**mutt009 – Thanks for the review and the venting! Nice to see my writing getting a strong reaction. Your nice waiting will be rewarded**

**uluvme – Tom getting decked…hmm I might be able to work that in. I like my rebellious Spencer too. Breakeven is one of my fav songs, I love The Script**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Yeah I'm feeling bad for Spencer too!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Five – Father Knows Best**

Spencer's POV

It had been just over three weeks since I joined the band and I had loved every single minute I have spent working on the music, either with the whole band or alone with Ashley. What I hadn't loved was the rest of my fucked up life. My mother wouldn't stop going on about how I had thrown my life and my talent away and Tom wouldn't stop agreeing with her. Which, while it wasn't exactly surprising, really pissed me off.

The only thing that was keeping me sane was the music. I could lose myself in it so completely that the shit in my life couldn't touch me. When I was making music I was one hundred per cent free. Free from the expectations everyone (and by everyone I mean my mother and Tom) had of me.

On top of all that I was becoming increasingly confused about Ashley and how I felt about the brunette. There was no denying that I was deeply attracted to her, and not just for how fucking beautiful she is, but also for how funny, compassionate, talented, sweet and wonderful she is. I couldn't stop thinking about her. When I woke up she was the first thing on my mind, when I went to bed she was the last thing I thought about before succumbing to sleep and throughout the night she was what I dreamt about.

Ashley Davies was consuming my waking and sleeping thoughts and I had no idea what to do about it. I couldn't just give into what I felt and be with her. I couldn't. I could see it in her eyes that she was feeling the same things I was. Ever since my confession about Kate I would catch her looking at me like I was a complex puzzle she was trying to solve. I guess in a way I was.

My life was this mess of mixed up puzzle pieces that just couldn't fit together, no matter how hard I tried to force them to. It was overwhelming. While I was with Ashley I could let go and be myself in a way I haven't been able to in a very long time, since before my world crumbled and it all went to shit.

I hear you wondering what the fuck I'm talking about and if your mind is thinking that the thing with Kate fucked me up, well it did, but that's not what I'm referring to. The catalyst for the total destruction of my life happened just before the summer between my third and fourth year at LACA. I have never spoken to anyone about what happened…and I am not going to start now.

I jumped up from my sofa when I heard a soft knock on my front door. I padded over and swung it open to find my Dad, Arthur, at my door. His big blue eyes, which I inherited, were twinkling as he pulled me into a warm hug. Nobody hugged better than my Dad.

"Hey Honey, how's things?" He asked as he followed me into the kitchen. I flicked on the kettle and pulled out some cups.

"Oh yeah same old shit Dad. You?" I asked as I got our tea ready.

"You know me Spencer, working too much and just muddling along. But how about you give me an honest answer Spence, how are you?" Fuck my Dad can read me like no one else, I have never been able to lie to him.

I sighed and took a seat on a stool at my bench. My Dad took a seat beside me and gave my hand a squeeze, "I know you're not happy Spence, every time I see you it breaks my heart because I can see how broken you are. Why do you let her do this to you?"

There was only one 'her' he could be referring to, my mother. I shook my head and looked down at my hands, "Its complicated Dad."

He sighed in frustration, we'd had this argument before. "Spencer this is ridiculous! You are a grown woman and can live your life the way you want, the way that makes you happy."

I forced a smile onto my lips and muttered, "I am happy Dad."

"Bullshit, you are not happy Spencer and you haven't been in a damn long time!" My Dad never swore and almost never raised his voice so his outburst made me jump a bit. "Your mother shouldn't have this much power over you Spencer."

I couldn't look him in the eye. I know he has a vague idea about what happened between me and Mom but he doesn't fully know and I sure as hell wasn't telling him. My parent's relationship had deteriorated after everything that went down and now they were barely civil to each other. I couldn't help but blame myself for that.

I smiled half-heartedly at my Dad and said, "Dad I am happy. I quit the orchestra and joined the band with Julian which is great. I am finding my passion for music again and that makes me happy."

My Dad shook his head sadly and said, "Why are you still with Tom Spence?"

I fell silent and blinked back the tears that his words had instantly brought to my eyes. I had no idea how to answer that one without bringing up the past and divulging more details then I ever want my father to know about that time of my life.

"Dad Tom's a good guy. He's smart and dependable and I'm sure a million girls would kill to have a guy like him". I rattled off, not even convincing myself.

"Spencer I'm sorry to be blunt but you're gay so what the hell are you doing with a guy, and not just any guy he is arrogant and possessive and cares more about appearances than anything else. Why are you doing this baby?" Dad squeezed my hand tightly in his and locked his blue eyes on mine.

"Dad," I began and then I burst into tears. It all got too much and I broke down. My Dad pulled me into his arms and rocked me gently as I cried. "Dad it's all so messed up! I'm stuck and I don't know what to do," I sobbed against his chest.

"Spencer, you're not stuck! If you're not happy break up with Tom, why won't you just be who you are? No one that matters will think any less of you," My Dad said sadly as he kissed my forehead.

"I can't be who I am because who I am is unacceptable!" I yelled pulling out of his arms, "You have no idea what happened back then, what I went through. I can't be who I am because it just messes everything up! I can't give in to what I feel because I'm scared ok! You happy now Dad?!" I screamed as hot tears fell down my cheeks.

My Dad stared at me, his eyes widened with shock. "Spencer, honey I know you're scared but eventually you have to let yourself be happy. Fear is not something to live your life by. The only thing to fear is fear itself."

I shook my head and tried in vain to fight back the tears in my eyes, "I'm doing the best I can ok? I'm doing the best I can."

"No you're not Spencer. You're lying to yourself, you're short changing yourself in the worst kind of way. I love you and all I want is for you to be happy again." My Dad pleaded with me.

I was about to respond when there was a knocking on my door. I swiped at the tears on my cheeks and tried to compose myself as best I could. I walked over to the door, kind of grateful for the distraction from the conversation I was having with my Dad.

I swung open the door to find Ashley standing outside my door with her guitar. I had completely forgotten she was coming around to work on songs with me.

Ashley's POV

I walked up the stairs to Spencer's front door and went to knock when I heard the sound of raised voices. I heard Spencer scream "I can't be who I am because who I am is unacceptable! You have no idea what happened back then, what I went through. I can't be who I am because it just messes everything up! I can't give in to what I feel because I'm scared ok! You happy now Dad?!"

_What the hell is going on in there?_ I thought to myself as I stood on outside her door. I had a sinking feeling that Spencer was talking to who I assumed was her father about her sexuality. I made my heart ache to hear the pain in her voice.

"Spencer, honey I know you're scared but eventually you have to let yourself be happy. Fear is not something to live your life by. The only thing to fear is fear itself." I heard a man say. I agreed with him whole-heartedly and thought Spencer should too seeing as she had it tattooed on her right hip.

"I'm doing the best I can ok? I'm doing the best I can." I heard Spencer cry out in desperation.

"No you're not Spencer. You're lying to yourself, you're short changing yourself in the worst kind of way. I love you and all I want is for you to be happy again." Her Dad said sadly. I closed my eyes and swallowed around the lump in my throat. I raised my hand and knocked on the door. I couldn't just stand out there anymore, it felt wrong.

After a few moments the door swung open to reveal Spencer who had clearly been crying a lot. I assumed by the look on her face that she had forgotten we were getting together to work on the music today. I was about to speak when Spencer forced a smile onto her face and welcomed me in.

"Hey Ash, sorry I lost track of time, come in and we'll get to work in a second," She said in a falsely, cheerful voice. I gave her a small smile and followed her into the apartment. A tall dark haired man walked over to us with a sad, but kind smile on his face. One look into his remarkably familiar blue eyes and I knew without a doubt that he was her father.

"Dad this is Ashley Davies, she's in the band with me. Ashley this is my Dad Arthur," Spencer introduces us. I shook hands with her Dad and gave him a smile.

"It's nice to meet you Mr. Carlin."

"Call me Arthur Ashley, and it's nice to meet you too. I should let you ladies get to work. Walk me out Spencer?"

Spencer nodded almost reluctantly and gave me a small smile, "Make yourself at home Ashley, I'll be right back." I smiled and nodded. Once they'd walked out I placed my guitar on the floor and took a seat on the sofa, sinking gratefully into the soft leather.

My mind was running in circles trying to make sense of what I had overheard. Since I had met Spencer my brain hadn't stopped trying to process what I felt and what I could tell she was feeling but struggling with. It was kind of exhausting.

I just didn't understand why she was lying about herself. I hardly knew her but even I could see that wasn't happy with Tom. When she was with us playing music or even just hanging out she was a completely different person. She was happy and free, but as soon as Tom or her past (aside from her musical past) was brought up she changed. Her walls came up and she withdrew into herself.

I just wished I knew what had happened to her.

Spencer's POV

After I introduced Ashley and Dad I walked him downstairs to his car. He was silent until we were standing next to his car. "Spencer think about what I said. You can't live on fear. One day my girl you are going to have to open your heart up again."

I stayed silent, I honestly had no idea what to say to him. My Dad sighed and opened the car door, "Ashley seems nice Spence, maybe its time to open that heart of yours to the possibility of real love." With that my Dad got into his car and drove off, leaving me standing there in shock.

How the hell had my Dad picked up on my confused feelings for Ashley in the 90 seconds he had spent in her company? Sometimes I think my Dad is a mind reader.

Sighing to myself I trudged back up the stairs and let myself into my apartment. I looked over and found Ashley waiting on my sofa. "Hey," I murmured as I took a seat beside her.

"Hey Blue. You alright?" She asked softly.

For some reason I couldn't lie to her. I wanted to, but I just couldn't, "No actually I'm not alright." I stared at my hands, too afraid to look into her beautiful eyes.

"You want to talk about it? You don't have to but I'm here if you need to talk," Ashley offered gently.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I couldn't get into all that with her, I just couldn't. I couldn't bear for her to know the truth, to know how weak I was. "I'll be ok, um how about we get to work?"

Ashley nodded and gave me a sad smile as she got up to follow me down the hall to the music room. I could tell that it was killing her not to know what was going on. In a short time we had come to mean a lot to each other. I had a sickening feeling in my gut that she had over heard my fight with my Dad and I was just waiting for her to eventually bring it up.

In the music room I wandered kind of aimlessly around, brushing my fingers over the various instruments I had. I felt her eyes on me but couldn't force myself to turn around and face her, knowing she would be able to read the pain and confusion on my face.

"So what do you want to work on?" Ashley asked from behind me.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and murmured, "Uh let's go back to the last song we worked on yesterday, I almost had it so I'd like to give it another go."

I walked over to my bass guitars and pulled out my beloved Fender. Ashley opened her guitar case and pulled out her guitar and plugged it into the amp. We played for a few hours, going over the songs. I was really proud of myself, I'd gotten the bands original songs down and even been able to have an input into some of them.

It felt right you know, playing in this band. It was the one part of my life where I felt totally happy and at peace.

After we'd finished rehearsing I walked Ashley towards my front door. She had been pretty quiet, like she was debating something in her head. I had a feeling it was about me.

"Spencer, what happened to you?" she asked quietly.

I took a deep breath and stared down at my feet. How the fuck was I supposed to answer that? It's not like it could tell her the truth, could I? "I don't know what you're talking about Ashley. Nothing _happened _to me."

"You have to know you're not fooling me right? I mean we haven't known each other very long but I can tell that something's going on. Please Blue just talk to me," Ashley pleaded.

I shook my head and snapped, "Look you're right we haven't known each other long so you don't know me. My life, my problems are none of your business." As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back.

Ashley took a step back as though she'd been slapped and nodded, "Fine Spencer, you want to play it that way then we'll play it that way." Ashley grabbed her guitar and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door hard behind her.

I sunk to the floor and put my head in my hands as I sobbed.

Ashley's POV

I raced out of Spencer's apartment feeling more frustrated than I ever have before in my entire life. That woman was infuriating! No one had ever gotten under my skin the way that she did. It hit me as I ran out to my car, she got to me because I was falling in love with her. Of all the people to go and fall for I had to fall for Spencer Carlin.

She was the beautiful, intriguing, talented woman who had taken up residence in my heart and I couldn't stop thinking about her. On the flip side of that she was messing with my head, sending me all these mixed signals that had me questioning everything. I had this feeling that something really huge had happened to her, something bigger than her break up with that Kate girl. Something that she just couldn't get passed.

I started my car and drove off. I had to get some answers and there was one person I felt just might have the information I so desperately needed. I sped all the way and parked my car haphazardly in front of Julian's house.

I ran up his front path and banged on the door until he opened it. "Hey Ash! What brings you here?" Julian asked with a smile, that faded as he took in my pained expression, "Ash what's going on?"

"Can we talk Julian?" I asked tiredly.

"Of course, come on in," Julian led me into his kitchen and got us each a beer from the fridge. I took a sip from the bottle and started fiddling with the label, not entirely sure where to begin.

"What's going on Ashley?" Julian asked with concern.

"Spencer." I said simply, still fiddling with the label on my beer bottle.

Julian nodded, not looking surprised at all, "I wondered when you and I would end up having a conversation about the blonde bomb-shell herself. I can see how you guys feel about each other, it's pretty obvious."

"Well I know how I feel but I have no idea how she feels. It's all so fucked up Julian! She flirts with me and then she pulls away. Sometimes she looks at me with so much longing that it almost makes me breathless. I don't know what to do Jules. She's is clearly so miserable with that fucking toerag of a boyfriend of hers, but yet she stays with him. It's all so messed up!"

Julian looked sad, "Look Ash I can't tell you why Spencer is the way she is, it's not my story to tell. What I can tell you is that she is the way she is for a reason. The girl you see while we're playing music, the happy, carefree girl, well that is the real Spencer, the one I know and love. The cold, sad, broken girl you occasionally glimpse is who people have made her."

I groaned in frustration, "What am I supposed to do Julian?"

He looked at me with the strangest expression, "Do you love her Ashley?"

I looked him square in the eye and answered simply and honestly, "Since the moment I met her."

Julian nodded and gave me a smile, "I think she feels the same. I've known Spencer a long time and I've never seen her look at someone the way she looks at you. I can't tell you what to do. I can't give you the answers. All is say is please don't give up on her, she needs you even if she doesn't know it."

I nodded and gave him a tiny smile, "Julian, the thing that happened to her, it was bad wasn't it?"

Julian looked sadder than I had ever seen him look, "Yeah it was bad."

I nodded again and got to my feet, "Thanks Julian, I'd uh better go."

Julian got to his feet and gave me a big hug before walking me out to my car. I got in and wound down the window. Julian put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Please don't give up on her Ash."

I looked up at him and said, "I won't, not ever." we said our goodbyes and I started to drive home. I got about half way when I spun the car around and sped off towards Spencer's apartment.

I had to see her.

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**Hmmm, well I hope you liked this chapter, any ideas about what might have happened to Spencer? I mean being the writer and all I kinda know but I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

**The next chapter will have the big reveal, hopefully I'll post it in the next couple of days.**


	6. Confessions of a Broken Girl

-1**Thank you all so very much for the wonderful reviews! They make me smile.**

**uluvme, mutt009, somthgIlike2do, LoveAsh87 and MrsMusgraveTNG - Thank you so much!**

**Glad you like Mr C as much as I do! Great to see some strong reactions to the story, I like it!**

**This chapter is dedicated to my Rock Star who helped inspire me **

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Six - Confessions of a Broken Girl**

Spencer's POV

I was sitting slumped on my sofa with tears streaming down my face thinking about my fights with Ashley and my Dad, when my front door was unceremoniously thrown open and Ashley came storming in. Her curls were in disarray and her face was streaked with tears. Her eyes found mine and locked, angry words dying on her lips. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, but what was in reality only a few seconds.

It felt like she was able to see right into my soul, and my God did that scare me. I couldn't break the stare though, I felt myself getting lost in the depths of her mocha eyes.

Ashley walked slowly towards me and sat down on my other sofa, her eyes still burning into mine. I went to speak only to be cut off by the brunette woman sitting across from me, "Spencer I have been trying so hard to keep this all inside, to keep up the dance you and I have got going on but I just can't do it anymore. I care about you Spencer, so much, but this is killing me."

I felt sick. I could see the anguish on her face and it cut me deeply. I hated that I was causing her any pain at all. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Ashley gave me an ironic grin, "Sorry huh, how about instead of being sorry you just start being honest with me? Come on Spencer please just tell me what the hell happened to you?"

I broke our staring match and looked down at my hands, my fingers were tapping on my knees as though they were touching the keys of a piano, nervous habits die hard. "I can't Ashley, I just…I can't tell you."

"Why not? Why can't you tell me?" She asked getting up to sit beside me, close but not touching me. She was watching me with a gaze so intense it was making my heart race in my chest. I wanted to tell her everything, to tear down all the walls and finally let her all the way in, but I couldn't.

"If I tell you what happened, what I let happen, then you'll see me differently and I can't bear the thought of that. Can't you just accept that this is how I am and leave it?" I pleaded.

Ashley shook her head and smiled sadly at me, "No I can't accept that and Spencer please give me some credit. Nothing you tell me will ever change how I see you or how I feel about you. Can't you see how much I care about you? Fuck Spencer you are not that oblivious!"

I raised my eyes to meet hers and saw that they were filled with something that just might have been love. It scared me so I looked away. "Well it certainly changed how other people saw me. Uh look Ashley, I didn't mean what I said this afternoon. I didn't mean to snap at you. In a short time you have come to mean a lot to me."

Ashley sighed and said, "I know you didn't mean it Blue and you mean a lot to me too. I just wish that you would open up to me. I hate seeing you so upset, so miserable when I don't know why or what I can do to help you."

"I don't need help," I said softly.

"How about a friend?" Ashley said tilting my head so she could look into my eyes.

I was ready to argue but then my eyes met hers again and I lost what little control I still had. I burst into tears. Ashley put her arms around me and pulled me gently into her arms. I sobbed against her chest as her arms held me and she murmured soothing nonsensical words to try and calm me.

I cried for everything that had happened, for the pain I was still living with and I cried because I knew that I was about to tell her everything. I owed her that much. For the first time in a damn long time I was going to talk about what happened.

Once my tears had stopped I pulled back out of her arms and got to my feet. "Where are you going?" Ashley asked moving to stand beside me.

I put a hand on her arm and said softly, "If I'm going to tell this story I am going to need tissues, wine and chocolate." Ashley smiled at me and I moved to get the necessary supplies. I paused in the kitchen and braced myself against the marble bench while I took some deep breaths to try and steady myself.

I grabbed everything and wandered back out to the living room. I lay the supplies out on the coffee table and poured each of us a glass of merlot. It was a really expensive bottle Tom had left at my place, but I needed the good stuff to help get me through this story.

We settled on the sofa and I took a long swallow from my glass. "I haven't ever told anyone this story before. My Mom knows and Tom knows, not that I told him oh and Julian knows, but no body else who is actually in my life these days knows." I took a deep, shaky breath, "Well you know how I told you about what happened with Kate?"

Ashley nodded and took a sip from her glass. "Well about a year and a half after we broke up I started seeing another woman, Carmen. She was passionate and intense and things between us got serious pretty fast. She had a temper, but I rarely saw that, in the beginning. She was sweet to me and liked to take care of me, she made me feel wanted again. I was determined to make this relationship work after how badly things had turned out with Kate. So after about a month together I started telling friends that I was seeing a woman. Everyone was really supportive but I was petrified about telling my family, or more specifically telling my mother.

We existed half in the closet for a long time. I introduced her to my family as a friend and refused to do more than that. I told you what my Mom is like and I couldn't bear the thought of her turning all her narrow-minded hatred and bigotry on me." I took a drink from my glass and stuffed a piece of chocolate into my mouth.

Ashley watched me silently, giving me the space to take the time I needed to get this out. One thing I really liked about her was that she wasn't pushing me or forcing me. She was letting me take things at my own pace while at the same time letting me know she was there for me.

"Carmen got frustrated with me for not telling my family about us. But unlike Kate she didn't just get sad, she got angry," I took a deep breath and drained the wine in my glass, "We had been seeing each other about six months when she first hit me. Immediately afterwards she was sorry and telling me how much she loved me. I believed her and forgave her. I blamed myself for making her angry because I wouldn't come out completely. I guess I was also still feeling guilty about how things went with Kate so it was easy to blame myself."

Ashley looked at me in horror, "I'm so sorry Spencer. I hope you don't still blame yourself."

I just shrugged and continued, "Anyway it got worse from there. Carmen started drinking and sleeping around. The violence got worse and it got to a point where she wasn't even apologising for it anymore. I let it go because I felt so guilty that I was making her exist in the closet. After about two months of this I decided it was time I told my family. I figured that if I gave in and gave her what she wanted then we'd go back to how it was when we first got together."

I poured another glass of wine and grabbed a tissue to try and dry the tears that had started to make their way down my cheeks again. I looked over to Ashley and found her crying too. I reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze before taking my hand back to get some chocolate.

"I was having dinner with my parents. My brothers were both there as was Chelsea, my brother Clay's fiancé (and now wife). After we had eaten I told them that I had something I needed to tell them. My Dad, brothers and Chelsea all looked at me with warm smiles while my mother glared at me suspiciously. I was so nervous I literally thought I was going to throw up. I had a whole speech prepared but it all flew out the window and I just blurted out that I was gay.

My Dad straight away told me that he already knew and loved me very much. Glen announced that he and I could go check out girls together, Clay punched Glen and then told me he loved me and Chelsea leaned over and gave me a huge hug. My mother was scarily silent the whole time. After Chelsea let me go I turned to face her. I have never in my entire life seen someone look so revolted and angry.

My mother got to her feet and walked over to me. She glared down at me and spat out that I was no longer her daughter and then she hit me hard across the face. My Dad jumped up and grabbed her arms to drag her out of the room. Glen ran around the table and pulled me into his arms as I started to cry.

We sat there for the longest time listening to the yelling coming from upstairs as my parent's fought about me. After a while my father came back down and pulled me into a warm hug. He told me that everything would be alright, that my Mom just needed a little time to process everything. My parent's relationship has never been the same since. They're still married but only in the legal sense of the word. They sleep in different bedroom and lead separate lives. My mother doesn't believe in divorce so she refuses to leave him or let him leave her." I stopped as tears choked me up and made it impossible to speak.

Ashley put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to her side. "Shhh Blue, its ok. I went through the same thing with my Mom so I understand."

I pulled back so that I could look back up at her, "It gets worse. We'd been sitting down stairs for a while when my Mom came down dragging a suitcase after her. The first thought that ran through my mind was that she was leaving us and it was entirely my fault. I was wrong."

"What happened Spence?" Ashley asked.

"She threw the suitcase at the door and screamed that I was disgusting and that she wouldn't tolerate me living under her roof anymore. My Dad tried to argue with her but it was no use. She threatened all sorts of things that I won't repeat now and then Glen brought me here."

"Oh my God, no offence but your Mom is a bitch!" Ashley exclaimed. I gave a small sardonic smile.

"Oh none taken, you're right she is. After that I got my Dad and brothers to get all my stuff out of my parent's house and I officially moved in with Glen. The room that is now the music room was my bedroom. It actually looked much the same then, it just had a tiny bed in it.

The next day I told Carmen what had happened, expecting her to be happy that I'd finally told them and we could be out together. She surprised me by getting angry. To this day I have no idea why she was so angry. I wish I did, it would make it all easier to understand." I took another drink and used a tissue to try and mop up my tears.

Ashley looked at me with fear on her face, she could tell that the next bit of my story was going to be bad. "What happened Blue? What did she do to you?"

I sighed and ran my hand through my long blonde hair, this was the part of the story I was really dreading telling. "We were at Carmen's place, she had a little studio apartment near school. As soon as I told her what had happened she backhanded me hard. I was so confused. I mean I did what she wanted and now she was punishing me. I got to my feet and told her as much. She just laughed and hit me again, hard enough that I fell to the floor. I yelled at her and told her I wouldn't take that shit from her any longer."

"Good for you Spencer." I just smiled sadly at Ashley.

"I wish it had been over with that simply, but it wasn't, Oh God," I paused and put my head in my hands. Ashley put her hand on my back and rubbed it in soothing circles as I fought the urge to scream and sob and possibly throw up as I remember what had happened to me.

"She told me that I didn't get to break up with her, that I would do as I was told. I told her she couldn't force me to do anything. Carmen just smiled at me and asked if I was sure about that. Acting braver than I felt I told her yes and went to leave. Carmen grabbed my arm and threw me hard against the wall. I was dazed for a moment, long enough for her to drag me into her bedroom and …" I trailed off, closing my eyes against the memories that threatened to overwhelm me.

"She what Spencer?" Ashley asked fearfully, an edge of hysteria in her voice. You could see the worst case scenarios playing on a loop in her head. I tried to get the words out but just couldn't. I began to sob again, but this time when she went to hold me I shrugged her arms away and jumped to my feet. I began pacing back and forth across my living room, leaving a trail of tears in my wake.

I was wringing my hands in front of me as I fought to get control of myself again. I had relayed this part of the story exactly once before and that was to a police officer.

Ashley got to her feet and grabbed my shoulders to stop my obsessive pacing. I stared into her familiar brown eyes and felt a sense of calm take over me. I stopped and let her pull me into her arms, "Spencer it's ok, if you need to stop then we can. Whatever you need Spencer."

I nodded and let her lead me back over to the sofa. "I want to tell you Ashley. I need to." Ashley nodded and held my hand between both of hers. She gave me a smile of infinite understanding, which made my heart flutter in my chest. I started speaking and got lost in the memory of what had happened over two years ago.

_[Flash Back]_

_I felt my back hit the wood at the foot of Carmen's bed and I sunk to the floor in agony. Carmen dragged me to my feet and pushed me so hard that I fell over the foot of the bed and sprawled across her mattress. I saw her turn away for a moment but I was in too much pain to actually focus on her and what she was doing. _

_I heard her start to make her way over towards me, a frightenly empty expression on her face. "Are you still sure Spencer?" She asked me in an emotionless voice. I stared up at her, fear coursing through my body. I don't think I have ever felt fear like it._

_I scooted up the bed, trying to get as far away from her as possible. Carmen just laughed and climbed into the bed. She grabbed my ankle and dragged me towards her. I screamed out, but was silenced by her hand slamming painfully over my mouth. I struggled to breathe, the feeling of panic rising up in me._

_Carmen moved so that her body was positioned over mine, her hands roughly forcing mine over my head. She leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Here's where I force you." I began to cry in earnest, terror over powering me._

_I struggled and fought beneath her as her hands started roaming my body roughly and violently. She tore at my clothing until it hung in shreds around my body. I was screaming out at this point, screaming at her to stop, and begging her not to hurt me. Carmen ignored me and started to bite and scratch all over my body. _

_She seemed determined to inflict as much pain and humiliation as humanly possible. I fought her hard, tried desperately to get out from under her so I could get away. She leaned up over me and slapped me as hard as she could across the face. I felt my lip split and could taste blood in my mouth. While I was stunned from the blow she forcefully shoved three fingers deep inside of me. I was in no way aroused at all so the force of her fingers tore painfully into me. She pounded into me violently, violating my body and taking what should only be given willingly. I screamed and sobbed as she continued to tear into me._

_She used her free hand to roughly kneed my beasts and scratch at my ribs. I pushed at her and hit at her, but it was like she was possessed and couldn't feel it. I fought with all I had, but I was in agony, emotionally and physically. Blissfully not long after I sunk into unconsciousness. _

_I woke up disorientated, having no idea where I was. I tried to move, causing my beaten and battered body to sear in pain. I was aching in places I didn't even know existed. I sat up carefully and it all came back to me, all of it. I screamed out and began to sob as I looked down and saw the state of my body._

_I had bruises and scratches all over my body, along with teeth marks and far too many finger marks. The bed sheet beneath me was covered in blood, a lot of which came from between my legs. I felt sick. I scrambled to my feet, ignoring the monumental pain surging through my body. I grabbed some clothes and gingerly pulled them on over my battered body._

_I looked around and determined what I already felt, Carmen was long gone. I saw a note on the bench as I staggered to the door. The note read._

Hey Sweet Cheeks,

Was is good for you?

Don't fuck with me Spencer, because you will lose.

Carmen

_I felt more tears join the ones already on my cheeks as I stumbled out the door._

_[End Flash Back]_

Ashley sat staring at me in absolute horror, tears streaming from her big brown eyes. Wordlessly she pulled me into her arms and we clutched onto each other as we both cried.

We sat in silence for a long time, tears our common language in that moment. Ashley held me tenderly against her, her hands making soothing patters across my back. Once we had calmed down a little Ashley whispered, "I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am that she did that to you. What happened after that?"

I grabbed a tissue and wiped away my tears, "After I left Carmen's I went to the first place I could think of, my parent's. I almost died of shame when my Mom opened the door. She took one look at me and dragged me inside. As soon as the door closed behind me I began to cry. My Mom pulled me into her arms and rocked me gently. She led me into the kitchen and made me a cup of tea. After that I told her everything that had happened. I was expecting her to start saying that my choosing this lifestyle was what led to me getting…raped." I paused. Even after all this time I still struggled to say that word.

My Mom insisted that we call the police. While she left the room to call them my phone rang. I answered it and it was Julian. He sounded weird and told me to check my student email. I was scared by the tone of his voice and the fact that it sounded like he was crying, so with him still on the line I when to my Dad's computer and logged in. I was not prepared for what I saw. There was an email that had been sent out to the entire student body with the subject line 'what little Miss Carlin really likes'. I opened the email and then threw up all over the rug in my Dad's office.

The email contained a video of Carmen raping me." I paused as Ashley gasped and slapped a hand over her mouth in shock, I smiled sarcastically, "Yeah my thoughts exactly. I then hung up on Julian and began to scream. My Mom came tearing in with the phone in her hands, she was on hold waiting for the police. I was hysterical by this stage so she hung up the phone and pulled me into her arms. When I calmed down I told her what had happened. She went so pale I thought she was going to pass out.

Instead she called the police again and then made a call to someone else, to this day I have no idea who. All I know is that two minutes later the video was gone and the police were at my place. The rest is a blur to be honest. I went to the hospital and got treatment, and they photographed every inch of my body to show my injuries.

After that I gave a statement to the police about what had been happening. It was a long day of questions and giving evidence. I handed over the note Carmen had left on the bench and they already had the video. They arrested her that night, she was in a bar getting wasted as per usual. Later that night my Mom came to see me."

I got up from the sofa and went to the kitchen. I walked back in with a glass and a bottle of vodka, the wine just wasn't cutting it anymore. I poured Ashley a glass and just took a swig from the bottle, wincing as the liquor burnt its way down my throat.

Ashley's POV

I sipped on the alcohol Spencer handed me and tried to process everything she had told me. I had known that something terrible had happened to her, I had just never guessed it was so bad. My heart was breaking for her.

God now I completely understood why the beautiful blonde woman was so fucking broken. How she had survived it all was beyond me. I don't know if I could have. I reached over and took her free hand in mine. I gently stroked her knuckles with my thumb, hoping to express in that simple gesture that I was there for her. "Spencer what happened when your Mom came to see you?" I asked tentatively.

Spencer took another drink from the vodka bottle and gave my hand a squeeze, "Well she told me that she would take care of everything. That she would make sure that no one knew what had happened. At that point I was feeling so ashamed and so angry at myself that I never wanted people to know, of course the entire student body at LACA had been sent an email, although anyone who tried to open it after my Mom made that call wouldn't have been able to watch it. I don't know who she called but they were effective, that video was history. I believe that the only copy of that video in existence is locked in a police evidence room.

My Mom started telling me how ashamed and upset my Dad would be. I didn't want him or my brothers to know what had happened to me. My Mom offered to make that happen. She told me she would make sure that this never got out. She made a few more calls, again to people I don't know and by morning it was all sealed up, never to become public knowledge. The few students who saw the video were paid off I think, Mom has influential friends.

Even Carmen's court case was kept under wraps and I was not made to testify. We told my Dad that Carmen had been arrested for some drugs charge and we had broken up and that I had been in a car accident. You could tell he was sceptical but he believed us." Spencer stopped to take another mouthful of vodka.

I felt so inadequate. I had no idea what to say to her to take away all the pain she was feeling. So I just held her hand.

"Mom's connections got Carmen's case rushed through the system and within two months she was convicted and sent to jail. The night after the trail my Mom came to see me at Glen's, where I was still living. She sat me down and told me that she hoped I could see what a life of sin led to. She told me that by choosing the life I had, I had let in evil. I was too ashamed and hurting too much to argue with her." Spencer choked out. I officially hated her mother, I had never met the woman and I already hated her with a vengeance.

"My Mom told me that she would continue to keep my secret as long as I stopped the 'phase' I was in and went back to living a good catholic lifestyle. I was so scared that my secret would get out that people would find out what really happened so I agreed. A year and about eight months later she introduced me to Tom. In order to make her happy and to get her to keep my secret I agreed to go out with him. Funnily her idea of a good catholic lifestyle included premarital sex with the guy. Almost four months later and I am stuck in a relationship with a man I despise all for the sake of my mother." Spencer fell silent and stared down at our linked hands.

"Spencer I wish I had the words to take away all the pain you're feeling, but I don't. All I can tell you is that nothing you have told me changes how I feel about you, all its done is helped me to understand you and made me admire how strong you are. It takes someone unbelievably strong to survive what you have Spencer. You are an incredible woman." I squeezed her hand and gave her a warm smile.

"Ash I think you found the words," Spencer smiled sweetly and moved to lay her head against my shoulder. I circled her shoulder with my arm and held her close. "I was so scared to tell you about all this but now that I have I feel ok. It's hard thinking back on it all though you know?"

"Yeah I know. Thank you so much for trusting me with your story," I paused and kissed her softly on her forehead, "Spencer, does Tom know?"

Spencer cleared her throat and mumbled, "Yeah my Mom told him."

"I can't believe she did that!" I said angrily, now I really hate her Mom.

"Yeah well that's my mother for you. Ash can we not talk about this anymore tonight? It's late and I'm exhausted, plus I think all this booze is starting to get to me." Spencer gave a little giggle and I smiled down at her.

"Ok boozy let's get you to bed then. But remember I'm here for you Blue, anytime." Spencer nodded and gave me a smile. I helped her to her feet and that's when it became apparent just how drunk she was. We staggered down the hallway to her bed room. She was already in sweat pants and a tank top so I tucked her into bed. I leaned down and kissed her forehead before whispering, "Good night Blue."

I went to walk out only to be stopped when Spencer grabbed my hand. "Would you stay with me tonight, after bringing up all the shitty memories of the past I really don't want to be alone?"

I grinned and said, "Of course." Spencer lifted the covers up for me to slide in beside her. I took off my shirt and slid in next to her in my sweat pants and tank top.

We lay in silence and just as I was about to drift of to sleep I heard her whisper, "I hate that the past still impacts on me so much. If it wasn't for what happened I know I could fall in love with you."

I sat up and looked down at her in shock, but she was already asleep, or passed out. I laid back down and let the tears start to fall.

---------


	7. Feeling a Moment

-1**Wow the reviews for chapter 6 blew me away! Thank you so much everyone.**

**WillowOn3 - Thank you for your awesome review, and again sorry but I'm not gonna tell you what happens next, you're just gonna have to read it!**

**SONROCKS1990 - Thanks, I haven't specified how long Carmen is in jail for coz I'm not sure yet, what do you think?**

**uluvme - Yeah the name Carmen in Spashley fics isn't usually a good thing. All I can say is keep reading and I hope to answer all your questions. Thank you so much for your amazing review**

**somthgIlike2do - I reckon there is probably a circle in hell for assholes like Paula and Tom. Thank you so much for another wonderful review!**

**mutt009 - Is it wrong that I kinda like that I made you angry? I mean I love that I got such a strong response to the chapter and as for your language, honey let it rip I have the worst gutter mouth so nothing will offend! And yeah I so added the clarification as to Arthur and Paula's relationship after reading your last review.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Wow thanks for the review. Glad I got you mindscreaming at everyone, maybe this chapter will inspire the same lol. Your words of wisdom were wonderful and so helpful and thank you for your kind words.**

**LoveAsh87 - Thanks for the review, I'm glad you liked the last line said by Spencer. Fingers crossed for a happy ending**

**HeyimAlex - Thank you and I hope you enjoy this update!**

**Ok guys here is chapter 7, don't get used to me posting updates every day because it so won't last lol**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Seven – Feeling a Moment**

Ashley's POV

I cried myself to sleep after hearing Spencer's whispered words "_If it wasn't for what happened I know I could fall in love with you." _It broke my heart to hear that, firstly because I know that I am already very much in love with her and secondly because I know in my heart that she loves me back, but she's just so scared.

I hated the monsters that had broken her down so badly. I hated Carmen more than I had ever hated another living creature, if I had my way she would not be leaving prison alive. I hated Spencer's mother for preying on her daughter's vulnerability when she was so damaged and she knew Spencer would not fight back. And I hated Tom for knowing the truth and using it to manipulate Spencer into staying with him.

I was also so angry at Spencer for letting them control her, for letting them force her to live a life she hated. What she went through was something that no person should ever have to endure, but it was time for her to fight back and actually live her life her way. You could tell that deep inside that girl was a fighter who was just trapped by what people had done to her. I wanted so desperately for her inner fighter to come out.

I woke up the next morning with Spencer in my arms. Her cheek was resting on my chest and her arm was wrapped tightly around my waist. I gazed down at the sleeping woman and couldn't help but smile at how serene she looked. It was like the burdens of her life fell away and she was at peace. I tenderly kissed her forehead and felt her snuggle deeper into my arms, where she fitted so perfectly.

I wanted time to stop, to let me have that moment in her arms before reality reared its ugly head and brought us back to a world where nothing was as it should be. But you know what, I was not going to give up on her. I would fight for Spencer, because I knew in my heart that she was the only woman I would ever love that way. She was it for me.

I felt Spencer stir in my arms and smiled down at her as her eye lids fluttered open to reveal her breath-taking baby blues. She gave me a shy smile and tightened her hold on my waist. I guess she wasn't ready to face reality just yet either.

"Good morning Blue, you ok?" I asked softly.

"Yeah I'm ok, last night was full on but I'm glad I told you about everything. Thank you for staying with me," She murmured.

"Anytime Blue. I'm glad you told me too and I want you to know that I'm always gonna be here for you," I leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek, which earned me a warm smile from the blonde.

"Ash…what I said before I fell asleep," Spencer began nervously.

"Ah so you remember that do you?" I asked with a sad smile. I really thought she would have forgotten or at least pretended to forget.

"Yeah I remember. Um I…" Spencer didn't get a chance to finish her sentence on account of her bedroom door being savagely thrown open and a very angry Tom storming in.

"What the fuck is going on in here!" He bellowed. Spencer scrambled out of my arms and jumped out of the bed to try and placate the enraged man.

"Tom it's not what you think, I swear to you," she hurriedly said.

Tom laughed cruelly, "Not what I think? Spencer are you fucking kidding me?! I come over to find you in bed with _her_ and you're trying to tell me that you're not cheating on me?"

"I'm not I promise you, I have never cheated on you," Spencer answered.

I climbed out of the bed and went to stand beside her. Spencer was visibly trembling with fear and anxiety. "Tom you need to calm down and stop acting like such a dick," I yelled at him.

Tom turned to glare down at me and I have to admit that I was scared. "Stay the fuck out of this dyke, this has nothing at all to do with you," He snarled. God I hated him.

"Stop Tom, don't call her that," Spencer said in a small voice.

Tom laughed harshly and stared down at her, "Don't go defending her Spencer or I might have to think that your past is about to be repeated."

Spencer swallowed nervously and looked over at me. Her big blue eyes locked on mine and I wanted to cry for all the pain and fear I was reading in her expression. "Spencer don't lie to yourself anymore," I whispered, just loud enough that they both heard me.

"What the fuck are you on about dyke, the only lie this stupid girl ever told herself was her sinful expedition into homosexuality. Thankfully she changed her mind and came back to a proper way of life. She is not like you Ashley, Spencer likes men and made the right choice," Tom spat out with a sneer.

"You ignorant fucking idiot! Being gay isn't a damn choice, either you are or you're not, you don't chose it. God you are suck a fucking asshole! You manipulate her into staying with you, you control her and make her too scared to leave. You're aware that's abuse right? You may not hit her but you are emotionally abusing her every single day."

Spencer's POV

"You may not hit her but you are emotionally abusing her every single day." I heard Ashley scream those words at my prick of a boyfriend and the truth of them hit me like a bullet. I was letting myself be abused, again. In that moment I hated Tom and my mother for putting me through this.

"You have no idea what you're talking about you stupid dyke. I think you should get the fuck out of here before I throw you out!" Tom yelled, stepping closer to Ashley in an attempt to intimidate her. It wasn't working. Ashley glared up at him and refused to give an inch. God that woman is stronger than I will ever be.

"Tom you don't scare me and I will not be leaving until Spencer tells me to, it's her place after all." Ashley sneered and took a step closer to me. Instinctively I reached out and took her hand in mine. I felt her give my hand a comforting squeeze while Tom glared at us in disbelief.

"Spencer what the fuck are you doing, get the hell away from her! Do you want your mother to find out that you're still behaving like a filthy dyke? Are you seriously going to go back to a life of perversion after what happened last time? Are you that fucking stupid?!" Tom's words hit me like a blow to the stomach.

I stepped away from them both, taking my hand away from the warmth of Ashley's. I felt so scared that my body was visibly shaking. Ashley was looking at me with so much understanding and a hint of sadness, and it was breaking my heart.

Ashley turned back to face Tom, subtly moving so that she was between me and him. Even after the shit I was putting her through she was protecting me. "Fuck you Tom! Where do you get off threatening her with running to her mother? What kind of man are you that you feel the need to manipulate and threaten to keep a girl. You are a prick." Ashley screamed.

Tom just laughed, "She's my girlfriend Ashley so I will do whatever the hell I want."

I remembered once hearing Carmen say almost the exact same thing about me and something in me snapped. I stepped around Ashley and slapped Tom across the face as hard as I could. All three of us stood frozen in shock.

After a moment I spat venomously at him, "No Tom, you don't get to do whatever you want to me. I've already been in a relationship where I let that happen and I will not live through that again. I'm sick of you threatening me and I'm sick of being scared. I won't live like this anymore."

Both Tom and Ashley stared at me, Tom angrily and Ashley with pride. It was all too much, the tangle of emotions in my head was making me sick. I spun on my heel, shoved past Tom and bolted from the apartment, only stopping long enough to grab my bag and my cell phone.

I ignored the shouts following me down the stairs and jumped into my little dark blue SUV and sped off, leaving a cloud of smoke in my wake. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Ashley standing in the car park staring after me. I didn't stop, I had to get out of there.

Ashley's POV

I stared after Spencer's car as she sped off. I was really proud of her for standing up for herself with Tom, but pretty scared at the way she just took off. My mind was running over with thoughts of what was going on in that head of hers, oh and also some thoughts of what I'd like to do to Tom.

Speaking of the jackass, he stormed out after me, threw me a harsh glare before getting behind the wheel of his Audi and speeding off. I had a feeling Mama Carlin would be hearing from that asshole.

I turned and started walking over to my car. I was about to get in when I saw Glen Carlin waving at me as he stepped out of the back door of the bar. I waited for him to catch up to me and gave him a weary smile. "Hey Glen."

"Hi Ashley, I was about to go up and see Spence, she not in?" He asked with a warm grin.

"Nope she just headed out," I said carefully, not wanting to give away what had just happened in case Spencer didn't want her brother to know anything.

"Well I'm glad you're here, the band I had scheduled to play tonight at Pella just piked on me and I was wondering if Fear Itself would be able to step in. I know you guys could definitely book a better gig, but I am desperate here and it would be an honour," Glen said nervously.

"Just let me call Julian and the others and we'll see what we can do."

"Thanks so much!" Glen said gratefully. I smiled and went to call the others. Julian, Jen and Grey all agreed instantly. I tried to get a hold of Spencer but she wouldn't answer. Julian called her and he told me she agreed so I guess it was only my calls she was avoiding.

I hung up my phone after I spoke to Julian again and turned back to Glen, "Well you're in luck. Fear Itself would be happy to have out debut performance here at Pella. Thanks Glen."

"No thank you! Shit I'd better go get the posters changed and up! You guys go on at 9 so I'll see you later. Thanks again!" Glen turned and practically ran back into the bar. I smiled and got into my car. I had a feeling it was going to be an interesting night.

Spencer's POV

I sped all the way to my parent's house, anger and adrenalin coursing through my veins. I was about to get out of my car when my cell rang. I checked the caller id and seeing it wasn't Ashley or Tom I answered it. "Hey Julian."

"_Hey my beautiful blonde friend, what's going on with you and Ash? She said you weren't answering her calls_."

"It's nothing Jules, what's up?" I asked, eager to change the subject. Thankfully Julian was easily distracted.

"_Well your brother wants us to perform at Pella tonight! How fucking awesome is that?!"_ Julian said excitedly.

"Um yeah that's awesome." I said in a monotone.

"_Wow Spence, could you be less enthused?_" Julian asked annoyed.

"Sorry Julian I just have a lot on my mind right now."

"_About Ashley?_" He asked.

"Not just about her, no." I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

"_You know Spencer eventually you have to let go of the past and move on. She is crazy about you,_" Julian said softly.

"It's not that simple Jules. Look I have to go but I'll see you guys at Pella later." I hung up before he could respond. I sat in my car staring at the front door of a place that I used to call home. I had come here with the intention of confronting my mother, but as usual with me the fear took over.

I started my car and drove off. I drove around for hours, trying to make sense of all the emotions in my head. I was so confused and so fucking terrified. What I was feeling was scaring me shitless, because if I was honest I was already very much so in love with Ashley Davies. What I felt for her transcended anything I had ever felt before, even what I felt for Kate.

I couldn't just be with her though. After what happened in the past with Kate and Carmen and with how my mother reacted how could I let myself be vulnerable again? Tom was an ass but he was dependable and acceptable. He was my ticket to a so called 'normal' life. I kind of hated him though. Fuck it was all so messed up!

I was in a relationship with a man I couldn't stand, while I was secretly in love with a woman I was too scared to be with. This is the stuff of soap operas and it was doing my fucking head in. I know many people would tell me to follow my heart and disregard the consequences, well I'd been there done that and lived through the consequences. I wasn't sure I could live through it all again.

At about 6.30pm I arrived home, I was so thankful to see that neither Ashley nor Tom's cars were parked near my place. I got out of my car and trudged slowly up the stairs to my front door. As I reached the top of the stairs I saw Ashley sitting against my door. She looked up at me and got to her feet. I swear if she hadn't seen me I probably would have bolted.

"What are you doing here Ashley?" I asked tiredly as I unlocked the door and led the way inside. Ashley followed me and closed the door softly behind her.

"I just wanted to see if you were ok Spencer, I been really worried about you all day," she murmured quietly.

I walked over and dropped my bag on the counter and took off my hoodie before turning around to face her, "I'm fine Ash, really."

"Liar," She said with a cheerless smile.

I sighed and brushed my hair back from my face, "You're right I am lying. I am so far from ok it's almost funny. Look I'm sorry I ran off earlier, I just had to think about some things."

"What things?" She asked walking over to stand in front of me.

"Everything. How I feel about Tom, how I feel about you, what happened back then. All of it has been plaguing my thoughts lately and I have no idea what to do," I cried.

Ashley smiled sympathetically, "Spencer you know what to do, you know what is right for you. You've always known. You just need to stop being so scared and start trusting yourself." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek before turning and walking towards the door, "Julian wants us ready for a sound check at 8.30 ok?"

I nodded and raised my hand to my cheek, my fingers tracing the spot her lips had just touched. Ashley closed the door silently behind her and left me to dwell on her words. Did I know what to do? Was it just fear stopping me?

I shook my head to clear away the thoughts I didn't have the time to entertain, I had to perform that night and I needed to focus on that.

Ashley's POV

At 8.30 on the dot Spencer appeared down at the bar with her bass so we could do the sound check. She looked so beautiful, I literally couldn't breathe. She was wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, purple Converse high tops, a white v-neck t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a black leather cuff on her left wrist. Her long blonde hair was hanging loose around her shoulders, my God she was gorgeous.

"Wow Spence, you are hotness personified!" Julian as he pulled her into a hug. Spencer sunk willingly into his arms as her eyes met mine over his shoulder. I just smiled at her, hoping to convey that I understood how hard everything was for her, and how scared I knew she was.

Grey took the bass from Spencer and plugged it in. Julian released her and we each went to our instruments. Grey at the back of the stage on the drums, Jen on the left of the stage with her keyboard, Julian in the centre of the stage with his guitar, me to his left with my own guitar and Spencer on his right with her bass. We did the sound check and looked nervously at each other. The place was filling up fast.

At 9 Glen jumped up on stage, gave Spencer a soft punch in the arm and stood in front of the microphone, "Ok ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you tonight. Appearing in their first live performance I give you Fear Itself!" The crowd clapped enthusiastically.

Julian stepped up to the microphone, "Hey there, well we're Fear Itself and if it's ok with you we thought we might play you a few songs." The crowd cheered their approval. Grey tapped out the count with his drum sticks and we began the first song.

We played a full set to a wonderful response. I couldn't help but glance over at Spencer throughout, it made me happy to see her so free. Up on stage, playing the music she loved she was able to be herself. It was beautiful. Julian, Spencer and I shared the singing. On some songs one of us would sing while the other's did back up, while on others two or all of us would share it.

I sang five songs with Spencer and in those moments the world fell away and it was just me and her. "Ok guys, you have been great here is the last song from us." Julian called out over the microphone. The last song of the night was a duet by Spencer and I. We began playing the intro and Spencer started to sing the first verse.

"Feeling the moment slip away  
Losing direction, you're loosing faith  
You're wishing for someone,  
Feeling it all begin to slide  
Am I just like you?  
All the things you do - can't help myself..."

I came in on the chorus and then sang the second verse alone.

"How do you feel when there's no sun?  
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?  
How will you feel when there's no one?  
Am I just like you?

Turning to face what you've become,  
Buried the ashes of someone  
Broken by the strain  
Trying to fill that space inside  
Am I just like you?  
All the things you do - can't help myself"

Spencer stepped around Julian and stood beside me, sharing my microphone, her rich, husky voice joined mine, her warm breath sending shivers up my spine.

"How do you feel when there's no sun?  
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?  
How will you feel when there's no one?  
Am I just like you?  
All the things you do

Don't ever feel that you're alone  
I'll never let you down, I'll never leave you dry  
Don't fall apart, don't let it go  
Carry the notion, carry the notion back to me, to me...

Feeling the moment slip away  
Feeling the moment slip away

Cause I'm just like you

How do you feel when there's no sun?  
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?  
How do you feel when there's no one?  
Am I just like you?"

We finished singing to thunderous applause and cheers from the crowd. Spencer walked back over to her microphone and I immediately missed her presence beside me.

"Thank you, you guys have been great!" Julian said into his microphone as we waved and made our way off stage. After we deposited our instruments we threw our arms around each other and started talking excitedly.

Glen came back stage to congratulate us and in the confusion my eyes caught Spencer's and locked. I swallowed hard and stepped up to her. She was looking at me with so much longing, so much love that I gave into an impulse I had wanted to give into from the moment I first saw the gorgeous blonde.

I stepped into her and cupped her face in my palms before I leaned in and captured her lips in a gentle, yet passionate kiss. I was oblivious to the cheers of our band members and the "it's about time," from Glen. All I was aware of was the woman in my arms whose lips were moving in time with my own.

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**The song in this chapter is Feeling a Moment by Feeder. **


	8. Don't Be So Sure

**Ok so the reviews for chapter 7 were incredible, thank you guys so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.**

**WillowOn3 - I understand your anger at Spencer, and I am happy you liked her standing up for herself. Ok so seeing as you asked so nicely here's what's going to happen…I'm gonna keep writing the story lol**

**somthgIlike2do - Thanks for the review, and I kinda like spoiling you guys**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Yeah the inevitable Spashley kiss, you so aren't goinna like the start of chapter 7!**

**uluvme - Yep first Spashley kiss, glad I got you giddy! Your Spashley sense if spot on, stay tuned for Mama C!**

**mutt009 - Wow, what a review! Thanks, another strong reaction, I love it! I loved reading your thoughts and wish I could sit down and have a discussion with you about this fic lol, thanks again!**

**ashikinz - Thank you so much, glad I got you hooked!**

**Shain77 - Thanks! I love the Spashley connection**

**LoveAsh87 - Thanks for the awesome review!**

**Palexobsessed - Thanks, glad you're enjoying it so far! Yeah the kiss was kinda overdue lol**

**I have a feeling you might be a tad mad at me at the start of the chapter but there is a method to my madness I promise.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Eight - Don't Be So Sure**

Spencer's POV

I felt her lips on mine and did the only thing my heart would let me do. I kissed her back. I kissed her back with all that I felt for her. It was a gentle kiss that was still a wash with passion. I felt her hands on my face as my hands found a place in her curls.

It was the single most wonderful kiss of my entire life to date.

I ignored the cheering of our band members and the "it's about time" from my annoying big brother. All I focused on was her lips as they danced with mine. We kissed until oxygen became a serious issue and then gently pulled away from each other.

I took a shaky step back and put my fingers to my lips, which were swollen from our long awaited kiss. I gazed into her mocha eyes and saw only love. It was then that my brain kicked in and told me to panic. So panic I did. I spun on my heel and ran from the room like death itself was chasing me.

I flew out the back door of the bar and took the stairs to my front door two at a time. Opening the door I became aware of Ashley calling my name as she began climbing the stairs after me. I wrenched open my front door and got it closed and locked just as she reached it.

"Spencer please open the door, come on Blue open the door so we can talk about this," Ashley called through the solid wood of my front door.

I leaned my forehead against the smooth wood and let my tears fall. I hated myself for running, for being so damn scared. I turned around and slid down the door, burying my head in my hands to stifle the sobs that were tearing violently through me.

"Spence, I know you're scared and you know what, so am I, but I know you feel the way I do. Blue please let me in." From the huskiness of her voice I could tell she was crying and it cut me deeply to know I was the cause of her tears. I never wanted to hurt her.

I have no idea how log we stayed like that, with her outside my door pleading with me to let her in and me staying silent and sobbing into my hands. After what felt like hours I heard her sigh and say, "Ok Spencer I'll go, I'll give you some time. I'm always gonna be here for you Blue, please don't ever forget that. I'll be here waiting for you when you're ready."

I listened to her footsteps becoming fainter as she slowly walked down the stairs. I shuddered when I heard the door to the car park close gently behind her. Once I was sure I was alone I staggered to my feet and stumbled into my music room. I dropped heavily onto the piano stool and began to move my fingers over the keys.

In this space I was safe. I could let the music take me away from the uncertainty and pain that was consuming me. I played out a familiar tune and began to sing as the tears continued to flow from my eyes and splatter on the keys.

"Took my love and I took it down  
Climbed a mountain and I turned around  
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills  
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?  
Can the child within my heart rise above?  
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?  
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changin'  
'Cause I've built my life around you  
But time makes bolder, children get older  
I'm getting older too, well

Well, I've been afraid of changin'  
'Cause I've built my life around you  
But time makes bolder, children get older  
I'm getting older too, well, I'm getting older too

So take this love and take it down  
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around  
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills  
Well, the landslide brought down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills  
Well maybe, well maybe, well maybe  
The landslide will bring you down."

I played the last note and then began to sob anew, my body convulsing as I got up and snuggled down in the well worn leather armchair next to my window. The chair embraced me like a long lost friend and I sank into its depths as sleep claimed me.

I was woken up the next morning by an angry hammering on my front door. I got to my feet and walked out hesitantly, sure that it was Tom and that he had forgotten the key he had insisted I give him. "Spencer I know you're in there, now open this fucking door before I kick it down!" Julian yelled as he pounded on the wood.

I knew he couldn't kick the door down but I didn't want him to hurt himself trying so I quickly opened the door. Julian stood on the other side glaring at me. I turned and walked into the kitchen to make some coffee, I sure as hell was going to need it.

"You look like complete shit Spencer," Julian said as he took in my rumpled appearance. I was still wearing the clothes I'd performed in the night before and had obviously slept in.

"Thanks Julian," I snapped sarcastically.

"You need to stop this Spencer," He said quietly, staring straight into my eyes.

"Stop what?" I knew what he meant but I was too ashamed to actually admit it.

"What you're doing to Ashley, it's not fair Spencer. I had her at my place this morning crying over you. I know what happened to you with Carmen and it sucked, it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies but its time to move on. You cannot keep letting the past effect your life. It happened and now it's over." Julian was practically shaking with anger, I had to wonder how long he had wanted to say this to me.

"It's not that simple Julian, I can't just forget what happened and you know what my Mom's like and then there's Tom to consider," I argued.

"I'm not telling to forget the past, what I'm saying is that it is long passed time to move on. All that shit, your Mom and Tom, they are just excuses Spencer. Excuses to cover up the fact that you are scared shitless because you really love this girl and know that she loves you back. You're not scared she'll hurt you, you're fucking scared that it will actually work out and then you'll have to accept that you are gay and be happy. Spencer stop hiding and just let yourself be fucking happy! By pushing her away you are hurting both of you!" Julian yelled.

I looked down at the ground, scared of the truth behind his words. "What if I'm not ready Julian?" I asked in a small voice.

Julian walked over to me and pulled me into his arms, his anger disappearing, "You are ready Spence, you're just scared. Remember what your Dad says, the only thing to fear is fear itself. Fear is just an emotion, so don't base you're life on it." I snuggled into his chest and just let him rock me gently. "Spencer you're going to be ok, just let Ashley in. I just want to see you happy again." Julian kissed me softly on the forehead and held me closer.

I stood in his arms for a long time, just taking comfort from his familiar embrace. Julian is one of my best friends and I was damn lucky to have him. I was about to tell him as much when Tom came striding into my apartment. Tom really has the worst timing ever.

"What the fuck is this? First I catch you in bed with a woman and now I find you in the arms of another guy? Geez Spencer, what's next? I walk in on a gang bang!" Tom sneered.

Julian took a step towards Tom, his hands clenched into fists. I put a hand on his arm to stop him, "Julian don't. Leave it with me, I'll deal with Tom." Julian looked down at me as if he was trying to read what I was thinking, probably to ascertain what I was going to do. I smiled reassuringly, "Julian can you give me and Tom a moment please?"

Julian looked back and forth between Tom and me before nodding and pulling me into another hug, "If you need _anything_ at all call me and I'll be back in a second." I nodded and gave him a quick squeeze. Julian released me, glared at Tom and walked calmly from the apartment.

I turned to face Tom and found him glaring intensely at me "You know how I feel about that guy Spencer. He is a loser and I don't think you should be spending time with him." Tom strode into my kitchen and helped himself to a beer from my fridge, even though it was only like 9 in the morning.

"Little early don't you think?" I asked sarcastically.

"If I have to put up with this shit from you, then it's definitely not too early!" Tom snapped, taking a long pull from the bottle. I clenched my hands into fists and fought the urge to slug him.

"God you are such a complete asshole Tom! I have no idea why I have put up with you fucking bullshit for so damn long!" I snapped.

"Stop being such a bitch Spencer, are you PMSing or something?" He asked sarcastically. My God I hated him.

I laughed harshly and poked him hard in the chest, "Fuck you Tom, fuck you! You just don't know when to keep your arrogant mouth shut. This thing between you and I, is over. I want you out of my apartment and out of my life."

Tom laughed, "Are you kidding? Spencer you can't break up with me, you won't. You know your mother won't like it."

"I'm sure she won't once you get around to telling her. But I've come to a realisation, my mother doesn't control me and you don't control me. I have spent my life trying to make that woman proud and all I have to show for it is a life of misery and fear. The good things that I have in my life are things that my mother disapproved of." I let out a laugh and shook my head, "I am done living my life to make other people happy, its time I made myself happy again. So Tom, you and I are over."

Tom stared at me open mouthed, shock plainly written on his stupid face, "You can't be serious?"

I stepped forward so that I was right in his face. "I am deadly serious. Now get your ass out of my apartment before I call Glen's bouncers and have you forcibly removed." I said calmly.

"Fine I'll go, but don't be surprised when you loose everything Spencer. Your family, your friends, none of them will still be here once I get through with you. You filthy dyke," Tom spat at me.

"Don't threaten me Tom, there is nothing you can do to me that is worse than what I have already live through," I snapped.

"Don't be so sure." With that Tom slammed his beer bottle down on the marble bench so hard that it shattered and stormed out of my apartment.

As the door slammed behind him I sunk to the floor and cried. God by that point I was sure I wouldn't have any more tears left, I was wrong. I sobbed as I cleaned up the broken glass, I think mostly in relief. I felt a sense of freedom, but there was one more thing I had to do before I would be completely free. There was one more person I had to confront.

I forced myself to my feet and down the hall to my bedroom. I stripped off and got in the shower, my tears mingling with the soothing water. I savoured the warmth of the water and let it flow over me.

Once I got out I dressed in a pair of grey skinny jeans and a blue v-neck wool sweater. I slid on a pair of black flip-flops, grabbed my bag and raced down to my car.

I drove the familiar route and parked outside an all too familiar location. I took a deep breath and got out of the car, I had chickened out last time and I wasn't going to again. This confrontation was long past due. I purposefully walked up the front path and let myself into my parent's house. This place wasn't home anymore and hadn't been since the night my mother told me to leave when I told her I was dating a girl.

I stormed into the kitchen just in time to see my mother hang up the phone. I'd bet my Fender bass that she was just talking to Tom and that he had told her a rather twisted version of events.

"That was Tom on the phone," see I told you, "What the hell did you do Spencer?" My mother yelled at me.

I took a deep breath and looked up to meet her eyes, "I didn't do anything other than what needed to be done Mom."

"That's not what he said! Tom told me he found you in bed with that Ashley girl from your pathetic little band yesterday morning, then this morning found you in the arms of that no-hoper Julian and now he told me that you broke up with him. What the hell is wrong with you! I thought we'd squashed that deviant perversion right out of you Spencer, what the hell were you thinking?!" My mother screamed at me.

"First of all nothing happened between me and Ashley or me and Julian," my mother scoffed and glared at me, "believe it or not. And secondly you can't squash the gay out of me Mom because that is who I am!" I screamed at her.

Oh my God I said it. I said it out loud and for the first time I didn't care what my mother thought. "I'm gay Mom and for the last two years I have pretended to be something that I wasn't to please you. I let you control me and make me feel guilty and ashamed for something I can't control. I didn't ask to be gay, but I am and I can't change that. My life would be so much easier if I could just be straight. It would be easier for you and me but it's not who I am and I won't lie about who I am anymore."

"You disgust me, I did not raise you this way," My mother spat at me, her eyes narrowing hatefully.

"Well I guess that's good because if you approved I'd know I was doing something wrong," I said calmly, while inside I was seething with barely contained rage.

My mother glared at me with more hatred then I had ever seen on one person's face and went to hit me hard across the face. I flinched back in preparation for the blow, but she was stopped by my Dad. He raced into the room and stepping up behind her he grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him, "Don't you dare lay a hand on my daughter Paula. I think you've hurt her more than enough." He yelled right in her face.

"Arthur, open you damn eyes! You're_ precious _daughter has chosen to live a life of sin, it's unacceptable and I won't tolerate it, not from my child!" My mother screamed.

"Paula being gay isn't a choice! I will not let you hurt my daughter anymore. I know I was kept in the dark about what happened between Spencer and Carmen. I've always known there was more to the story than what you told me. I know you used your connections to keep it all from me, I knew it was a matter of time before you put your father's friends in high places to use. I just wish it hadn't been at the expense of our daughter." My Dad yelled at her as he held her arm, I'm pretty sure he was holding her to stop her being able to hurt me anymore.

"You don't know what happened Arthur! I was saving her!" My mother argued.

"Saving her from what?" My Dad spat.

"From the consequences of her deviant lifestyle," My mother said smugly as she glared over at me. I closed my eyes, this was it, it was time for my Dad to find out what really happened.

"Dad, she means that she helped hide from everyone that Carmen abused me. She was hitting me for months and then the day after I came out to you guys she beat me, raped me and video taped the whole thing. She emailed the video to the student body at the LACA. Mom got her connections to destroy the video and keep it all under wraps. Carmen was convicted and sent to prison," I murmured quietly.

"See, the result of living in sin!" My mother cried triumphantly. My Dad let go of her arm, shoved her out of his way and stepped to my side. I was so ashamed that I couldn't meet his eyes.

"Spencer look at me, please," He said softly. I looked up into his blue eyes that are so like my own and saw nothing by love and empathy. "Honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I wish I had known so I could have protected you, helped you. My darling you have nothing to be ashamed of, I love you and _nothing_ will ever change that."

I burst into tears, yet again, and threw myself into my father's arms. I sobbed against his chest as he whispered soothing words to me while stroking my hair, just like he used to when I was a child.

"This is ridiculous! Arthur you cannot possibly support her decision to live the kind of life that can lead to that kind of embarrassment happening. It took so much effort to hide it and make it go away!" Paula snapped. I will no longer call that woman my mother.

My Dad glared at her, "Paula I will support our children in any decisions that they make. Being a parent means loving your children _unconditionally_. Oh and for the record abuse and rape happen in straight relationships as well. The fact that our daughter is gay in no way makes it more likely that she will be victimised like that." My Dad held me tighter against him as I cried harder, God I wish I had told my Dad back when everything happened, things would have turned out so differently.

"Paula you never should have hidden this from me, by hiding what happened you sent the message to our daughter that what happened to her was something she should be ashamed of and that's just not true. Spencer did nothing to be ashamed of. What happened to her was horrible, but the only people who should be ashamed are Carmen and you," My Dad said angrily.

"Arthur you are a fool if you think that!" Paula snapped.

"No I was a fool for ever loving you, for letting you hurt my kids. Paula I filed for divorce last week, you'll be getting served with papers any day now. I want you out of my life and out of my children's lives. You have caused more damage than we will ever be able to forgive. Pack your things and get the hell out of this house by the end of the day." With that my Dad led me out the front door, leaving Paula standing frozen in shock and disbelief.

"Dad I am so sorry, I'm sorry I didn't tell you," I cried as we walked down the path to my car while I was still wrapped up in his arms.

"Sweetie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who is sorry, sorry I didn't protect you, not just from Carmen but from your mother. I'm just so sorry." His words caused my tears to start flowing again. Soon we were both crying as we clutched onto each other. We stood like that for the longest time and then my Dad told me to go so he could make sure Paula really left.

I kissed him on the cheek and climbed into my car. I gave him a watery smile as I pulled away from the curb and drove home. I needed to clear my head and there was only one way I knew how to do that, music.

I arrived home and went to check my emails before I disappeared into the sanctuary that was my music room, it had been a tumultuous few days and I had been a little slack. There were a few from work, a few from friends, a few junk emails and then one that made my blood run cold. It was from an unknown user and the subject line simply read, 'Don't be so sure...'

With a sinking feeling in my chest I clicked on the email and then I screamed.

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**Song in this Chapter:**

**Landslide by Dixie Chicks (well a few people have done versions of it, I particularly like Tori Amos' version)**


	9. Love Trumps Fear

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Wow, Paula and Tom getting eaten by sharks huh? I like it!**

**LoveAsh87 – Thank you, as for the email all will be revealed**

**Palexobsessed – Yeah sorry I'm a tease lol. Thanks heaps and I'm proud of Spencer for sticking up for herself too and I kinda like Julian as well**

**mutt009 – Yeah we could have an epic discussion! Wow I feel your hatred of Tom coming off the screen, if it helps I hate him too, but I'll be giving a bit of his back story soon. Thanks for another awesome review!**

**uluvme – Oh sorry I made you go from giddy to sad/annoyed! Ah yeah, the cliff hanger a form of torture a writer uses on her readers lol**

**WillowOn3 – Thanks so much! How about seeing as I wouldn't let you keep Lily, me or Ridley I let you keep Julian? Ok, ok I'll be nice, the next chapter will involve some Tom back story and possibly a lil more Spashley. There's your preview lol**

**somthgIlike2do – It was long past time for Mr C to drop his witch of a wife so thank you. As long as I can I will keep spoiling you guys. Thanks for the awesome review and its great to hear you're invested in this story.**

**SONROCKS1990 – Thanks, I think it's awesome that Spencer stood up for herself too.**

**ashikinz – Thank you for your awesome review. I agree with you, that is exactly how I imagine Spencer feeling. Gotta love some ranting, thanks again!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Wow did I tick you off! LOL sorry rock star! I promised you a quick update to make up for it so here it is lol. Am I forgiven? **

**Loved the reviews for Chapter 8, loved the awesome and intense reactions! You guys are truly amazing!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Nine – Love Trumps Fear**

Ashley's POV

After I left Spencer's apartment, which was after the heartbreaking wait on her doorstep after the truly epic kiss we shared after our gig, I drove around aimlessly all night. I some how ended up at Julian's at about 6am, not entirely sure how I got there. I was sitting out in my car, not sure what to do when I heard a soft tapping on my window. I looked up and saw a rather sleepy looking Julian smiling sympathetically down at me.

I opened the door and climbed out unsteadily. Julian didn't say a word. He just slung an arm around my shoulder and led me into the house. He sat me down on the sofa in his living room and sat down beside me, waiting for me to talk.

"So I tried to talk to her Julian, but she wouldn't even let me in. I sat outside her front door for ages just listening to her cry through the door. She wouldn't say a word to me. I almost want to be angry at her, but I can't because all I can think about is how much she is hurting right now and how scared she is. Fuck maybe I shouldn't have kissed her, but nothing has ever felt so right before," I murmured as fresh tears began to fall from my eyes.

Julian wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gave me a comforting squeeze, "Ashley I wish I had the words to say to make you feel better, I wish I could tell you what to do, but I can't. I think this thing with Spencer runs deeper than anyone realises. Tell me what do _you_ think she's scared of?"

I thought about it for a second, "I think she's scared that I'm going to hurt her like Carmen did or break up with her like Kate did. I think she's also scared of disappointing her mother, although I have to say I have never met the woman and I hate her!"

Julian chuckled, "Honey everyone hates Mrs. Carlin. She is evil personified and has done nothing but make her daughter's life a living hell. She is the reason it took Spencer so long to agree to leave the world of classical music to do something she really loves." Julian shook his head and looked sad. "Ashley I think on the surface Spencer is scared of those things, but I honestly believe her fear runs deeper than that. I think what our favourite blonde is really afraid of is that if she gives into what she feels for you things might actually work out," Julian said.

I have to say I thought he was a bit crazy at this point. Why would anyone actually be scared of having a relationship work out. I think Julian sensed my confusion because he quickly clarified. "What I mean is if Spencer gives into the feelings she has for you then she has to actually be gay and out and that would mean living with everything that comes with that. The impact of being raised by Mama Carlin runs deep and Spencer is struggling with that. I think part of her feels like she doesn't deserve to be happy because her mother had made her feel so guilty and ashamed."

I sat in silence and thought about what he said. He was right. Spencer's fear was deeper and more ingrained than I could begin to imagine. I meant what I said to her, I would wait. I love her and I would wait for her until she was ready. Spencer Carlin was worth the wait, even if the wait took forever.

"Julian what do I do now? Do I try and talk to her? Give her some space? Do I run over there and not leave until she confesses her undying love for me, what the fuck do I do?" I asked tiredly.

"I think our Spencer has had more than enough space. I kind of think it's time that someone bitch slapped her into reality and got her to start facing what's going on instead of running from it like she has been." Julian said passionately.

"I don't know Jules, won't that just scare her off?" I asked with concern

Julian just smiled, "I think it depends on who's doing the bitch slapping."

I smiled in bewilderment, "What are you on about?"

"I think it's time I went to go see the blonde one myself." Julian announced.

"Hey Julian can I ask you something?" He nodded so I continued, "Why won't she let anyone call her Blondie? I have heard you call her so many nicknames that have blonde in them but never Blondie and once I called her Blondie and she kind of abruptly told me not to."

Julian smiled sadly, "Wow you called her Blondie and didn't get physically harmed? She must really care about you. It's what Kate used to call her, and then Carmen used to use it in a kind of cruel mocking way after the abuse started. I never liked Carmen, and now I hate her."

"Oh," was all I could think to say. Poor Spencer, she had been royally fucked over by some of the most important people in her life.

"Yeah it was pretty horrible and now she won't tolerate anyone calling her Blondie. I actually saw her tip a glass of beer over this one guy's head when he kept calling her that. It was actually kind of funny if you didn't know the story behind her reaction." Julian said sadly.

Just thinking about all that she had been through brought me to tears again. I hated that anyone had ever hurt the beautiful blonde, she deserved so much better from the world. Julian held me against him and just let me cry for a long time. I succumbed to the comfort of his embrace and eventually fell into a restless sleep.

I woke up to find Julian gone and a note propped up on the coffee table that read,

_Hey Ash,_

_I__'__ve gone to speak to our favourite blonde, give it a few hours and then I__'__d suggest you go and see her yourself._

_Remember eventually love trumps fear, every time._

_Julian_

I folded the note and put it in my pocket before heading out to my car. I drove home slowly and once I got there I threw myself into bed. It had been a long and extremely draining couple of days.

I was asleep within minutes.

I was woken up later that afternoon by the sound of my phone ringing. I stumbled over to my bag which I had dropped on my way in and answered my cell phone, "Hello?"

"_Ashley its Julian. You need to go find Spencer now, the shit has royally hit the fucking fan." _He said anxiously.

I was suddenly very awake and very alert, "What are you talking about Julian?"

"_I just got a phone call from Spencer__'__s Dad, who I think is about to go on a killing spree. Spencer broke up with Tom this morning and then went and confronted her mother. She came out to her mother again and they got into it in a bad way. Mr. C told me he is divorcing Paula and that she behaved terribly towards Spencer._" Julian said, just confusing me more.

"Julian I don't understand. If Spencer broke up with that dick and finally stood up to her Mom then what's the problem, that's a great thing!" I couldn't help but smile a little when I thought of Spencer standing up for herself after all this time.

"_Ashley I don__'__t know how it happened but Tom got a hold of the video that Carmen made and put it on the web. He emailed it to everyone he and Spencer know and posted it on about eight different websites. Arthur called me because it was emailed to him. He tried to call Spencer but she__'__s not answering, he went to her place but there was no one home. I think he might kill Tom I really do_," Julian said with anger evident in his voice. If her Dad didn't kill Tom, then I fucking wanted to.

I was utterly speechless. "I've got to go find Spencer!" I practically yelled down the line as I hung up. I grabbed my bag and raced out the door. I had to get to Spencer.

Once I got into my car I realised I had no idea where to look so I drove to her apartment knowing it was futile to search there seeing as her Dad already had. I parked next to her little dark blue SUV, figuring if her car was there then she couldn't have gone too far.

I ran up the stairs and knocked on her front door, just in case she had come back. I waited a few minutes and then knocked again. Getting no response I headed back down the stairs. As I was walking past the back door to the bar I heard the unmistakable sound of piano music.

I pushed open the door, surprised to find it unlocked, and walked through the bar out to the main room. I stood in the shadows by the entry from the back of the building and looked up at the woman sitting at the upright piano on the stage. Spencer.

Her long blonde hair was flowing down over her back, catching the light that streamed in from the windows. Her eyes were closed and tears were glistening on her cheeks. Her body moved in time with the music as her fingers danced across the keys. I wanted to speak, to take her in my arms and comfort her but I was loath to break the spell she was under.

Her face was full of emotion as she began to sing in a voice husky that was raw with emotion.

"I fell asleep and I woke up from my dream yeah

I looked around but it wasn't what it seemed yeah

Cause its time for me to make a change yeah

Cause its time for me to rearrange yeah

Oh oh oh Ohhh

Oh oh oh Ohhh

Something's calling out from under cover and

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

Something's calling time for self discovery

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

I'm leaving"

My eyes filled with tears that spilled down my cheeks as the emotional turmoil contained within the lyrics reached into my heart. I could feel her in every word.

"I broke a promise that I'd be honest to the very end

I couldn't be myself and you were never listening

You don't notice me cause I don't fool around

But I don't want to be in your world (in your world)

Something's calling out from under cover and

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

Something's calling time for self discovery

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

I'm leaving

It's time to go woah woah

It's time to go"

Spencer voice rose and anguish filled the words.

"So you don't know me very well at all

You try to change me and you stress me out

Today we find out this was all a phase

I am leaving cause I've overstayed

Something's calling me…

Something's calling me…

Something's calling out from under cover and

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

Something's calling time for self discovery

I'm free now

So I'm leaving

I'm leaving

So I'm leaving

I'm leaving"

I stepped out of the shadows and into Spencer's line of sight, she showed no surprise in seeing me there, she just ran her hand through her long blonde hair, pushing it back from her face. "That song was beautiful Spencer, really incredible," I looked up at her and took a step closer, "Are you alright?"

Spencer shrugged and wiped the tears from her cheeks with her delicate hands, "To be honest I don't really know. It has been a rather interesting day, make that a rather interesting couple of years. I take it you heard what happened today with my mother, Tom and then the email?"

I nodded, "Yeah Julian called me after he spoke to your Dad."

"Oh ok. It's all kind of surreal." Spencer fell silent for a moment, seeming to be in deep thought. After a few moments she looked up at me and murmured, "Um can I play you another song Ash?" Spencer asked with a tired and very sad smile.

"Of course." I answered as I took a seat at a table near the stage.

She looked so fragile, like the lightest wind would break her. "The song before and this one I wrote after I met you, when I realised and started to acknowledge how miserable my life was, how badly I wanted out."

Spencer closed her eyes and positioned her fingers over the piano keys. She took a deep breath and let her fingers begin their dance over the piano. She opened her eyes and they stared in front of her like she was looking at something transcendent that was a million miles away. A small smile played about her lips as she started to sing the lyrics, which seemed to pour straight from her soul.

"There's a lot that I don't know  
There's a lot that I'm still learning  
When I think I'm letting go  
I find my body it's still burning

And they held me down  
And they had me living in the past  
Come on and pick me up  
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness  
Yeah I just need light  
I need light in the dark  
As I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed  
So I try living in the moment  
For the moment it just froze  
And I felt sick and so alone

I could hear the sound  
Of their voices still ringing in my ear  
I'm going underground  
But they'll find me anywhere I fear

Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness  
Yeah I just need light  
I need light in the dark  
As I search for the resolution

The resolution  
The resolution

And they held me down  
Yeah they held me down

Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness

Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness  
Yeah I just need light  
I need light in the dark  
As I search for the resolution

I need life  
I need life  
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)  
Resolution  
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)  
Resolution  
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)"

I was astounded by the raw feelings in the song, by the depth and intensity that I felt from the simple melody played on the old piano. Spencer's eyes focused back in the present and she looked over at me.

"What does it mean Spencer?" I asked getting up to walk towards the stage and the beautiful, mesmerising musician seated at the ancient piano.

"They are just songs Ashley, they don't have to mean anything." Spencer said as she idly tapped away at the piano keys, her nervous habit that I had fallen in love with.

"I get the feeling that both the songs you just played mean something, something pretty significant to you. Are you going to tell me, or should I just guess?" I asked gently.

Spencer closed the lid over the piano keys and got to her feet. She leaped gracefully down off the stage and brushed past me as she walked across the room and behind the bar to grab two beers. I followed behind her. She slid one of the beers over to me, opened her own and took a long drink from the bottle. "I don't know what you want me to say Ashley?"

I scoffed, "Actually you know exactly what I want you to say. I want you to just for once say it, tell me what you want! Tell me how _you _feel."

Spencer took another drink from the bottle of beer in her hands and set it down on the smooth wood of the bar. She sighed and pushed her hair back from her face. "You're right I know what I need to say, what I should have said long before this. What I said to you the other night, when I told you that if it wasn't for the past I could fall in love with you, well that wasn't entirely true."

I felt panic rising in my chest, was she about to tell me that she could never love me? Was I about to lose her before I even had the chance to have her? I didn't think my heart could survive another blow from this woman.

"It wasn't entirely true because I was and am already in love with you, desperately and irrevocably. I've been so stupid Ashley, so stupid and so scared. I'm sorry for that, I wasted so much time being afraid. I hurt both of us with my fear and I won't do that anymore," Spencer murmured staring down at her beer.

I moved my hand to her face and tilted her chin so I could look into the endless depths of her cerulean eyes. "I told you I would wait for you to be ready and I meant it, I fell in love with you the day I met you Spencer Carlin and I would wait forever. I understand why you were scared but I hope you know you don't have to be afraid of me."

Spencer answered my question by leaning in and capturing my lips in a kiss of infinite tenderness. There would be time for kisses of hunger, passion and lust, but it wasn't now. Her lips moved softly against mine as I wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her closer to me. Her hands came up and cupped my face as one kiss became another and another.

We kissed until we were both breathless and then we pulled back to rest our foreheads against each other. All that was running through my mind was the fact that she had kissed me, she had kissed me and now she wasn't running. Then another thought had to invade my mind. "Spencer you need to call your Dad, he saw the email from Tom and is really worried about you," I said quietly.

Spencer sighed and stepped out of my arms to slump on a stool at the bar. She wearily rubbed her eyes, "Have you seen the video?"

"No I haven't." I said moving to her side and putting a hand on her shoulder. Spencer reached up to cover my hand with her own.

"Oh, do you know who he sent it to?" She asked. Her tone was impossible to decipher. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, which worried me.

"From what your Dad told Julian it was emailed to people both of you know and, oh God, it was posted on eight different websites," I answered tentatively.

I wasn't entirely sure how I expected her to react, but I have to say I was shocked. Spencer shook her head and then burst out laughing. The musical sound of her laughter echoed around the empty bar and made me start to think that she had lost her fucking mind.

I stared at her incredulously for a moment and then had to ask, "Um Blue, why are you laughing?"

Spencer just shook her head and laughed harder. Tears of mirth filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks. She laughed until she was gasping for air and clutching at her side. I just stared at her at a complete loss of what to do. Spencer got herself under control and wiped the last few tears from her face. She grinned over at me and said, "You must think I've finally gone crazy, but I swear I haven't. It's just that for so long I was terrified of what would happen if that video got out, or if people knew what had happened to me and now it's out there and the world hasn't ended."

I stared at her in wonder, this was the Spencer I saw while the music was playing, the confident, strong, passionate woman who wouldn't let the world get her down. I smiled at her and she stood up to pull me into her arms. I spread my hands over her back and held her close to me, her body fitting perfectly with mine.

"You're right Blue, the world didn't end," I murmured against her neck. Spencer shivered as my breath tickled her skin and held me closer.

"I hate Tom for this, I really do, and I won't let him poison my life any more. I just wish I knew how he got that video, that's the part I don't understand," Spencer said softly as she ran her hands up and down my back.

I pulled back and looked up into her blue eyes, which were troubled, "Blue I hate him too and just say the word and I'll have some friends 'talk' to him," Spencer chuckled and shook her head, "do you have any idea how he got the video?"

"I don't know. As far as I was told the only copy in existence is locked in a police evidence room. Wait…hang on a second…that bitch!" Spencer snarled. I jumped back, her outburst scaring me just a tad. Spencer moved out of my arms and began pacing angrily across the floor, "She wouldn't, she couldn't. Fuck! It had to have been her, there is no one else!" Spencer yelled, slamming her fist down on the bar hard.

"Spencer, who?!" I asked moving to stand in front of her.

Spencer was so angry that tears were filling her eyes and her body was shaking. She let out a harsh laugh, "My _mother_," She spat out the word like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

I looked at her in horror, "She wouldn't, would she?"

Spencer laughed harshly again, "There is nothing that woman wouldn't do to try and control me. Fuck! I'm going to kill her!"

Spencer went to run out the door but I grabbed her arm and held her back, "Wait, let's think about this…"

I would have continued but the door to the bar was thrown open and in ran Mr. Carlin, Glen and two African American people I hadn't met but I assumed were Spencer's brother Clay and his wife Chelsea. "Spencer Elizabeth Carlin! Do you have any idea how worried I've been!" Mr. Carlin yelled as he crossed the room and pulled his daughter into his arms.

Glen came over and slung an arm round my shoulder comfortingly, he's a good guy. Spencer clung to her Dad and murmured how sorry she was. Once she was released she hugged Clay and Chelsea before hugging both Glen and me at once. Spencer took my hand and led me over to the family, "Clay, Chelsea, this is Ashley Davies. Ash this is my brother Clay and his wife Chelsea." They both smile warmly at me and we shook hands.

Chelsea turned to Spencer and nudged her side, "So _this_ is Ashley huh, you're right she is hot!" Spencer blushed and shushed Chelsea while I grinned.

Spencer looked over at her Dad who was watching her as if he was waiting for her to break down, it's probably the same way I was looking at her before. "Dad don't worry I'm not going to fall apart, not this time. I won't let them take anymore from me," Spencer took a deep breath and squeezed my hand, "Dad I think it was Paula who gave Tom the video of what Carmen did to me."

Mr. Carlin looked livid, I swear I have never seen someone so enraged. By the looks on Clay, Glen and Chelsea's faces they had been told the story of what had happened, each of them looked furious and sad at the same time. I looked at Spencer and saw her swallow around the lump in her throat.

Spencer dropped my hand and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. I slung mine around her waist and melded my body to hers as we all stood in silence trying to process what Paula and Tom had done. Spencer's face became hard with determination as she tightened her hold on me, "I think it's time we went to see my ex-boyfriend."

---------

**Hmm revenge, confrontation, a pillow fight? Imagine the possibilities…so what do you guys think I should do?**

**Might be a tad longer between this update and the next, sorry my lovelies!**

**Song in this chapter:**

**Leaving by Jag Star but I have altered the lyrics slightly to make it fit this fic a little better. **

**The Resolution by Jack****'****s Mannequin (again I altered the lyrics slightly to make them fit)**


	10. Silence Is Not The Way

**Thank you all for the incredible reviews.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - You know I love my SoN quotes and that is one of mv favs so I had to use it somewhere. I feel bad for making Paula like this because I love Maeve too! Oh Yay! I'm off probation! Woot!**

**somthgIlike2do - Ok no pillow fighting and I think Tom probably does have an alcohol problem**

**uluvme - Thank you! And yeah don't piss off Papa C. I love that Jag Star song, its one of my favs**

**mutt009 - Spencer does have an amazing support system, we should all be so lucky. Thanks for another great review, I hope you like this chapter with the confrontation, I may have gotten a few ideas from your review so thank you**

**WillowOn3 - You're welcome for Julian! Yeah Tom and Paula are not loved in this fic. So next…hmmm sorry no hints this time lol**

**ashikinz - Thank you so much! Spencer does have a great support system**

**LoveAsh87 - Thank you for another great review, hope you like chapter 10**

**DontMindBnCrazy - You are so not a douche! And I agree Spashley does need to get it on, but we'll see what happens. Thanks so much for your review!**

**Palexobsessed - Hmm I _could _be a tease again lol, but that might be a little mean…but fun! I guess you'll just have to read on to find out!**

**So thanks again you are amazing! Much love!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Ten - Silence Is Not The Way**

Spencer's POV

"I think it's time we went to see my ex-boyfriend," I said in a deadly calm, emotionless voice as I tightened my grip on Ashley, drawing comfort and strength from her closeness.

Everyone's eyes jumped to me in wide eyed disbelief. Although Glen looked kind of excited because I think he really wanted to kick Tom's head in. My Dad stepped forward and looked at me with concern, "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

I nodded and gave him a reassuring smile, "I need to know why Dad, why he felt the need to try and hurt me like that. I don't think I can put this completely behind me until I know. Maybe I need closure, I'm not sure. All I know is that I need for him to tell me why." I felt Ashley hold my waist even tighter, expressing in that simple gesture that she was there for me and would support whatever I needed to do.

"Spencer you do realise that even if we go to see him he may not give you the answers you want, he's such a jackass he may not give you anything but more pain," Clay said gently.

"Yeah I know, but I'll have you guys there so it won't be so bad," I said with a smile for my big brother. I looked around at the people in the room, the people who love me and support me unconditionally and damn I felt blessed. I had hidden so much from them, pulled away and not let them close enough to help me, but that didn't matter to them they stuck around regardless. I love these people so very much.

The door to the bar was thrown open then and a frantic Julian came barrelling in, gasping for breath. "Spencer! You're ok? Oh God I've been so worried!" Julian cried as she shoved Ashley out of the way and pulled me into a fierce hug.

"Yeah don't mind me Jules," Ashley said sarcastically.

"Um Julian? I kinda need to breathe buddy," I gasped as his hug cut off my oxygen supply. Julian released me with a sheepish grin and an apologetic shrug at Ashley who was already back in my arms, exactly where she belongs.

"So are you alright Spence?" Julian asked me with infinite tenderness. I smiled at him and nodded, tightening my hold on the brunette in my arms. Julian took in our hold on each other and beamed, sending me a wink. I just rolled my eyes and grinned.

"So we gonna go see Tom?" I asked looking around the room.

"Wait we're going to see Tom? To kick his ass I hope!" Julian snarled.

"Well I'm not gonna rule it out, but no I just need to talk to him, I need to know why Julian," I said. Julian nodded and smile with understanding.

"Spencer if this is what you need to do then we'll be there for you," My Dad said softly.

"We're with you every step of the way Blue," Ashley murmured. I grinned down at her and kissed her forehead tenderly.

So it was decided that we would all go round to Tom's, I had to stop Julian from going home to get his baseball bat and Glen from bringing the bouncers who work at Pella. I didn't think going in there prepared to throw down was the best idea. I didn't want this to turn into a brawl, I just needed to talk to him.

I dragged Ashley over to my car, with everything that had happened I felt like we needed to talk. My family and Julian all loaded into Julian's and Dad's car. Once we were settled in the car I reached over and took her hand in mine.

"Are you alright Blue, I mean so much has happened to you these last few days," Ashley asked looking at me with so much love and concern.

I gave her a tired smile, "yeah I'm alright. I think I'm going to be ok. This isn't like last time, when Carmen sent out the video. It's different."

"How so?" She asked stroking my hand with her thumb.

"Well last time I was dealing with the immediate aftermath of what she's done and the video was just another blow. I guess with everything that has happened in the last few years I am just glad I finally stopped being scared of who I am. Oh and last time around I didn't have you," l said shyly looking out at the road as we followed my Dad towards Tom's.

I chanced a glance at her out of the corner of my eye and she was beaming at me. I blushed and smiled. "Thank you Spence, that means so much. You do have me, for as long as you want me," She murmured.

I looked over at her as we pulled up at a read light, "How's forever, does forever work for you?" I asked softly.

Ashley's eyes filled with tears and she nodded, squeezing my hand tighter. She seemed too overwhelmed to speak, which I think was understandable. Given the whole drama I had put her through, the mixed signals and all the times I pulled away it must be a bit surprising to hear those kind of things coming out my mouth. I meant every word though and I was finally brave enough to say them to her.

Ashley swallowed hard and smiled a breath-taking smile that crinkled her nose, "Yeah I'm ok with that. Let's take things slow though ok? If we have forever then there's no reason to rush it." She raised my hand to her lips and tenderly kissed my knuckles.

"Ok, let's go with that," I smiled warmly at her before looking back to the road as my Dad turned into Tom's street. I felt the smile fall of my face and couldn't help the sick feeling in my stomach. I hated Tom with an intensity that made me physically ill and part of me couldn't believe that I was willingly walking into the guy's life again.

I pulled up behind my Dad's car and sat gripping the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles were completely white. "You ok Blue?" Ashley asked laying her hand over mine.

I nodded and smiled, loosening my grip so I could squeeze her hand in mine. "I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am kinda shitting myself right now Brown. After everything I'm scared to face him," I murmured. Ashley jumped out of the car and ran around to the driver's side. Opening the door she crouched down beside me and wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder.

"Blue what you're feeling is more than understandable given what you've been through. I'd be worried if you weren't scared. If you aren't ready to face him then we leave, no one will judge you. This has got to be on your terms Spence, if you aren't ready or don't want to do this then we go," Ashley said gently, gazing seriously into my eyes.

"Thank you. I can do this. I can face that bastard and maybe get some answers. I won't let him have power over me anymore. He's not worth it," I said with determination. I slid my seat belt off and Ashley stood up, offering her hand to help me out of the car. I grasped her hand in mine and we walked over to where my Dad, brothers, Chelsea and Julian were waiting.

I smiled at them all said, "We can't all go in, it will just make him get all defensive and act like a prick. And I am so sorry but you Ashley and Julian can't go in, it will just set him off." Ashley looked as though she was going to argue with me and Julian looked resigned to being left outside. I held up my hand to step in before Ashley got the chance to try and get me to change my mind, "I know you're about to argue with me Ash but believe me when I tell you it will go better if he doesn't see you. It may surprise you but Tom doesn't like you."

"Spencer, I don't want you going in there alone," Ashley said with extreme concern on her face.

"I won't be, I'm taking Dad and Glen in with me. Chels and Clay I think Tom will be more intimidated by Dad and Glen in case things go up shit creek." I told them. Clay, Chelsea, Dad and Glen all nodded and Ashley just looked scared. I took her hand and led her away from the others.

"Ash it's going to be ok, Dad and Glen won't let anything happen," I said with a soft smile.

"I know that, I guess I just don't want you to get hurt. I mean I don't know what we are, but I can't bear the thought of something happening to you," She said taking both my hands in hers.

I smiled and squeezed her hands before pulling her into my arms. Ashley tucked her head under my chin and rested her cheek against my chest. "Ash I don't know what we are either, but I know that I love you and maybe its weird to say that when we haven't even gone out officially or when I am still not out other than to my family and well Julian, but it feels right. We'll take things step by step and let things happen naturally," I kissed the top of her head tenderly, "I promise you I'm going to be ok and that nothings gonna happen to me in there."

"It's not weird Spencer, I love you too. Once this is done today maybe I should take you out on a real date," Ashley tilted her head so that our eyes could meet.

"I'd like that," I kissed her softly on the lips and led her back over towards my family and Julian who were all beaming at the interaction between Ashley and I. it felt incredible to be able to act on my feelings in front of the people I loved the most and have them be nothing but supportive. God damn it I was lucky to have such an amazing group of people around me.

I kissed Ashley one more time and then my Dad, Glen and I walked up to Tom's door. My Dad gave my hand a squeeze and went to knock. I heard raised voices so I put my hand on my Dad's arm to stop him. There was a female voice in the house with Tom which sounded far too familiar.

I stepped in front of my Dad and unlocked the door with the key that Tom had forced me to take, not that I had ever used it before. I eased the door open quietly and we followed the sound of raised voices down the hall to his kitchen. As we neared we heard the female voice scream, "How could you do that Tom?! What the hell is the matter with you?"

We stopped just outside the kitchen so we could hear what was going on.

"She broke up with me, no way in hell was I letting her get away with cheating on me with a girl and then dumping _me_! No way in hell!" Tom yelled angrily. I had to roll my eyes at his poor bruised ego, really mad me sad for him…that was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell.

"That is no excuse Tom! I know she did wrong and I am really not happy with the choices she has made in her life, but I worked so hard to hide what happened to her and now you've destroyed that! What that monster did to my little girl nearly destroyed her Tom and in one moment of anger you have destroyed all the work I did back then to protect her!"

I was in shock and couldn't bear to hear anymore without putting my side in the mix. I stepped into the kitchen with my Dad and Glen beside me to see Paula glaring angrily at Tom who was smugly leaning against his bench. Both of them jumped when Glen slammed the kitchen door closed behind us.

"Spencer, Glen, Arthur! What are you doing here?" Paula asked, conflicting emotions reflected on her face.

"Well _Paula_ we came to see Tom, really didn't expect to see you here," I spat at her.

Paula looked at me and I swear her expression was almost sad. For about half a second I almost felt bad for her and then I remembered what that woman had put me through and it was really easy to harden my heart.

"Why are you here Paula?" My Dad asked angrily as he glared daggers at his soon to be ex-wife.

"I got an email from Tom with the video and I came to round here to, I guess yell at him. I assume you are here for the same reason," Paula said.

"In a manner of speaking. What I can't figure out _Paula_, is how Tom got his hands on the fucking video in the first place," I snapped taking a step closer to the woman I used to think of as my mother.

Paula looked confused for a second and then horrified, "You can't possibly think _I _gave it to him?! Spencer why would I do that when I fought so hard to get rid of it the first time around. Spence, even after what's happened between us you can't honestly think I'd ever do that to you?"

I scoffed, "Why shouldn't I think that? I mean you made me so ashamed of who I was and what happened that I hid for years, not to mention the fact that you showed Tom the video while I was dating him!"

"Hang on a second, that just isn't true! I _never_ showed Tom that video. I don't even have a copy of it. I didn't even know he'd seen it before today! One time me and Tom had a conversation about your…uh past indiscretions but that's it. He came to me because he felt like something was off in your relationship so I told him you'd gone through a phase and it had ended badly for you, but that's the extent of what I told him I promise you that! Spencer I may not agree with your choice of lifestyle but I would never show anyone that video, let alone let it go out into the world!" Paula exclaimed.

"How the hell can we believe a single word out of your mouth Paula after everything you have put Spencer through? You are unbelievable!" Dad shouted.

Tom stepped forward from the bench with a nasty smirk on his face, "Arthur you really should have more faith in your wife's desire to avoid a scandal. There is no way she would risk people knowing the full extent of the perversions her daughter got up to." Tom sneered.

I felt my blood boil at his words, "What the fuck are you talking about Tom?"

"Your mother didn't give me that tape and she never showed it to me. I have a friend who works as a clerk for the police evidence archives and he got me a copy. I had my suspicions about you and after I got that vague story from your mother I decided I had to get the full sordid story. I investigated, turns out one of the men who helped your Mom make it all go away is a golfing buddy of my Dad's and he was able to fill in some blanks for me. I can't tell you how fucking brilliant it was to find out I was dating a filthy dyke." Tom said arrogantly.

I shook my head as tears of pure rage filled my eyes. I saw Glen clench his hands into fists and take a step towards Tom who just smirked. "Glen its ok," I murmured. Glen practically snarled and took a step back.

"If that's how you felt Tom then why the hell didn't you just break up with me? Why the fuck would you stay in a relationship with someone who was never going to love you back? You could have saved us both a lot of heart ache if you'd just let me go. You knew I was too scared of my mother to leave, although I should have long before now. I just don't understand why you made us both miserable by making me stay with you?" I asked angrily.

Tom let out a humourless chuckle, "I wasn't going to lose another woman."

I looked at Tom in confusion, "What the fuck are you talking about?" I glanced around the room and the others were looking just as confused as I felt.

Tom laughed humourlessly again and leaned back against his bench with his arms crossed over his chest, "You aren't the only one with a past Spencer, not the only one who disappointed a parent. When I was in college I met a woman named Sally. Now Sally was this radical feminist who went to protests every week and volunteered at a homeless shelter on weekends. She was from a poor family and working her way through college. She was everything my father never wanted for me but I didn't care. I fell in love with her the moment I met her.

We were together right through college and while I was at law school. Sal got a job with some non-profit organisation and my Dad saw her as only a poor little do-gooder who was using me for my money. I proposed to Sally the day I graduated law school and my Dad told me if I married her he'd never speak to me again and would disinherit me. It wasn't a choice, I wasn't losing her so I told my Dad he'd never see me again and walked away from my family.

Sal and I were so happy, I didn't need my parents, all I needed was her. Then Sal started getting sick all the time. She went to the doctor and it turned out she had leukaemia. She battled it for about four months before she died in my arms. All I had left after loosing Sal was my family so I crawled back to my Dad who made me promise I'd never betray him like that again. Dad got me a job at a law firm his friend was a partner in and I put my life back together. About six months after Sally died I met your mother while I was representing her friend in a divorce. My Dad knew your Mom from church and they decided that it would be good if you and I dated.

It took your Mom a while to convince you to actually date me but then you did. It made my Dad happy and you suited me and the life I was trying to build. Then I found out about your past and I was thrown for a loop. Part of me was so revolted that I wanted to run but then I realised that my Dad would never stand for it, plus you were mine and I wasn't going to lose another woman. You were mine Spencer and you shouldn't have left me," Tom said in a dead voice.

I couldn't get my head around Tom's story, it was too much. All I knew in my heart was that no matter what he had been through it did not justify his treatment of me or releasing the video after I ended our sham of a relationship.

"That's sad Tom, I'm sorry you lost Sally like that, but it does not excuse what you did to my daughter!" My Dad yelled.

"Maybe, maybe not. Either way Spencer should have been grateful to have a man like me who was willing to be with her ever after her deviant , perverted past," Tom sneered.

"You are fucking insane! Grateful to be with you? Are you kidding me?! The only thing I am grateful for is the fact that I finally grew a pair and dumped you. Tom you thought you could break me by releasing that video, but you can't. My Dad was right, that tape is not something I should feel ashamed over. I was the victim, the only person who should be ashamed is Carmen and now you for releasing it onto the web." I yelled at him. I couldn't believe how much I hated him.

"You _should_ be ashamed Spencer, really ashamed of what's on that video," Tom snarled at me.

I was about to say something when Glen lunged forward and punched Tom hard in the jaw. Tom's head snapped back and he slumped against the bench. While he was on the ground Glen sent a forceful kick into his stomach. Paula screamed out and Dad stepped between them to hold Glen back.

Glen stared down at Tom and growled at him, "Don't fucking say that to my sister EVER again you piece of shit. You ever do anything to hurt her again and I will end you, you understand me?"

Tom nodded and spat out a mouthful of blood.

"You know what I got what I came for, let's get out of here," I said calmly. My Dad smiled kindly at me and started to pull Glen to the door. I looked down at Tom and said in an emotionless voice, "I feel sorry for you Tom, you are so twisted by the past that I doubt you will ever move on. I on the other hand, will walk away from this and move on with my life. You can't hurt me anymore."

I turned on my heel and started to walk out. Paula reached out and grabbed my arm which I immediately wrenched from her grasp, "What _Paula_?" I snapped.

"I hope you know that I only ever wanted to protect you from making mistakes. I only ever wanted you to live a good life," She said in a broken voice.

I let out a little sarcastic laugh and shook my head, "Yeah that may be true but you wanted me to live that life on _your_ terms and I can't do that. I am who I am and I won't hide that anymore. Goodbye Paula."

I turned away again and walked out of the house behind my Dad and brother listening to the sound of Paula sobbing into her hands. The whole way out I had to steel myself so I wouldn't run back to comfort her. Despite the monster she is, that woman is still my mother. She is the woman who kissed it better when I grazed my knee, who made me fairy bread for my birthday every year until I was 14, who went to all my violin recitals and who was my best friend while I was growing up.

I think Glen could sense my inner struggle because he slung his arm around my shoulder and whispered, "She doesn't deserve your compassion Spencer, let her go so you can finally be free." I looked up at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, before I let him lead me from Tom's house. I threw the key Tom had given me back through his front door and said to Glen, "So you think you can organise getting my locks changed today?"

"Oh yeah I think I can manage that," Glen winked at me, making me giggle.

Once we were out in the front yard a brunette blur launched herself into my arms and hugged the all air out of me. I didn't care, her arms felt like the safest place in the world to me after the drama I had just experienced. I sunk into her embrace and that's when the tears fell.

I felt my Dad's hand on my back, "Ashley can you get her home?"

"Of course Mr. C," She said softly as I sobbed on her shoulder.

My Dad gave my shoulder a squeeze and murmured, "I'm proud of you honey and I love you." Dad, my brothers, Chelsea and Julian all left after that and Ashley gently led me to the car. After easing me into the passenger seat she went round and got into the driver's side. Pulling me back into her arms she whispered, "You are the strongest, most amazing woman I know Spencer Carlin."

I held her tighter and cried. I cried for all that had just transpired and for all I had been through. Once my tears had slowed I raised my head. My eyes caught sight of a sad blonde figure on Tom's front lawn. Paula stood staring at us with tears streaming down her face.

Our eyes locked and I felt fresh tears start to spill down my cheeks. Paula raised a hand up to wipe away her tears and touched her fingers to her lips and blew me a kiss just like she used to do every morning when she dropped me off at school. She gave me a sad smile and turned and walked away.

With a trembling lower lip I looked up and met Ashley's mocha eyes. "It's been a hell of day, you think we could get out of here?" I said tiredly.

"Of course Blue, let's get you home," Ashley said laying a kiss on my forehead. I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes as Ashley started the car and pulled away from the curb. I never wanted to see that house or the man that lived there ever again.

I put a CD into my car stereo and let the music start to comfort me as only music could. It was a CD Julian had left for me with a new song he and Ashley had written. As soon as the music began Ashley hit stop.

"Why'd you stop it for?" I asked confused.

"That song might be a little too close to home for you today," Ashley said keeping her eyes on the road.

"Why? Is it about me?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah it is," She said. She already knew I was going to listen to that CD, I'm stubborn like that.

I leaned over and hit play again, ignoring the look of trepidation Ashley was throwing my way. After everything a song wasn't going to break me. I closed my eyes as Julian's deep voice began flowing out of the speakers and the words washed over me in an oddly cathartic way.

'"You in the dark  
You in the pain  
You on the run  
Living a hell  
Living your ghost  
Living your end  
Never seem to get in the place that I belong  
Don't wanna lose the time  
Lose the time to come

Whatever you say its alright  
Whatever you do its all good  
Whatever you say its alright  
Silence is not the way  
We need to talk about it  
If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way"

I felt a tear leak out from behind my closed eye lid and trickle down my face as the lyrics and music took me over. This song was full of anguish and the pain of people who have had to watch someone they care about suffer.

"You in the sea  
On a decline  
Breaking the waves  
Watching the lights go down  
Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say its alright  
Whatever you do its all good  
Whatever you say its alright  
Silence is not the way  
We need to talk about it  
If heaven is on the way  
Well wrap the world around it  
If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way

I'm a stranger in this town  
I'm a stranger in this town

If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way  
I'm a stranger in this town  
I'm a stranger in this town"

After the last note of the song faded out I snapped my eyes open and looked over at Ashley who kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye as she tried to concentrate on the road. I dried my eyes and leaned over to kiss her softly on the cheek. "That song is incredible. I could feel the pain behind it and I am so sorry I put you through that," I murmured as I stroked her cheek with my fingers.

"Spencer you have nothing to apologise for, nothing," She leaned slightly into my hand and kept her eyes on the road. I brought my hand down and rested it on her knee as I leaned back into the car seat and let my eyes drift closed. I was asleep within seconds.

-----------

**Song in this chapter:**

**Letting Cables Sleep by Bush**


	11. Come Down To Me

**I'm gonna apologise, this fic has a lot of music in it, but hey they're in a band so I figure that's how they relate and communicate with each other, plus I live for music so there you go!**

**Thanks so much to all who have read, reviewed, favourited or put an alert on this story, it means a lot. I apologise for the delay in getting this update done, I was seriously blocked and to be honest I really am not a fan of this chapter. **

**Anyway enough about my insecurities as a writer on to thanking the lovely people who reviewed!**

**DontMindBnCrazy – Sorry I made you feel sorry for Paula lol. Yeah Glen is a great big brother and I knew there was no way he'd let Tom get away with what he did. Thanks so much!**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn - Yeah I think even the sharks wouldn't want to be near Tom, although I have had fun picturing them chasing him!**

**mutt009 – Thanks for your review. Have we seen the last of Tom…I guess we'll all find out lol**

**LoveAsh87 – Yeah I kinda liked Glen beating on Tom too, thanks**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – sorry for depressing you, I hope this chapter can make up for it**

**uluvme – Yeah after reading the chapter over again I saw the similarities between the situation and the one in Face Down, totally not intentional! Paula is a complicated character. Thanks music is my life lol**

**ashikinz – Seems like a few people are feeling a bit of sympathy for Mamma C, we'll see how that pans out! Thanks for the review**

**WillowOn3 – Thanks, I wanted to show Spencer's strength and felt that by her keeping her dignity through the confrontation she ultimately won. I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do with the Paula character yet, but like you family breakups make me sad. Oh and you can bug me all you want for what happens next, doesn't mean I'm gonna tell ya lol**

**somthgIlike2do – Thanks for the review. I have a feeling Tom will make another appearance at some point, maybe we'll see the fallout for his actions**

**Thanks again and I hope you like this chapter, even if I don't. **

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Eleven – Come Down To Me**

Ashley's POV

Once we left Tom's and got back to Spencer's I helped her carefully up the stairs. She was physically and emotionally exhausted, the last few days really taking a toll on her. I kept an arm tightly around her waist as she sagged against me and struggled to keep her eyes open. I led her through the apartment and down to her bedroom. Folding back the covers I gently lifted her up in my arms and laid her down. I slid off her flip flops and helped her pull her blue v-neck sweater over her head so that she was lying in her jeans and a white tank top.

I hesitated about taking off her jeans, so Spencer did it herself kicking them onto the floor. I felt like a bit of a perv but I couldn't help taking in the beautiful sight before me. Her body was toned and tanned and voluptuous, her skin smooth and silky. I couldn't resist running my hand up her arm to feel the warmth of her under my fingers. My eyes raked over her body, in her black boy shorts and white tank top there was a lot of her to look at. I let my eyes trace over the tattoo on her hip, which made me smile thinking of the first time I'd seen it.

Spencer's sleepy blue eyes were locked on me as I gently pulled the covers up over her. I sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed her forehead tenderly, "Get some sleep Blue, I'll be here when you wake up." Spencer nodded and let her eyes drift shut.

I sat by her side until her breathing evened out and her hold on my hand loosened. I carefully brushed her long blonde hair from her face, pausing to stroke her cheek adoringly. I leaned in and kissed her chastely on the cheek before getting up to let her sleep. I paused at the door and whispered, "Sweet dreams beautiful."

I walked out of her room and down the hall deep in thought. It had been the most intense roller coaster ride since I had met Spencer Carlin and despite the toll it had taken on me I wouldn't trade any of it. I sat down on her sofa and wrapped a throw rung around myself. It had been a surreal day. The time spent waiting outside on Tom's lawn while Spencer, her father and Glen went in to confront him was pure unadulterated torture.

I was dying to know what had happened in there, especially after seeing Paula leave Tom's. I wanted so badly to talk to Spencer about it all, but now wasn't the time. Spencer needed to rest. We had all the time in the world to talk about what had happened.

I lay back against the soft leather of her sofa and thought back over the last few hours. She had kissed me, she had actually kissed _me_ and then not run away afterwards. She had held me in her arms and told me that she was in love with me. She had told me she wanted me with her forever and that she was done being afraid. And she let me in, she let me into her life, let me see her vulnerability.

I had fallen in love with Spencer the second I met her and now every moment I was with her I fell harder. I wouldn't push her, after everything she had been through I would never pressure her. I wanted this to be a forever kind of thing and I would do nothing to jeopardise that.

I must have drifted off to sleep because I was gently woken up by the feeling of soft lips on mine. I smiled and started to kiss back, moaning as a warm tongue traced my lips. I tried to deepen the kiss only to have the lips on mine pull back. I opened my eyes and found Spencer smiling softly down at me, the sun from the huge windows of her apartment bathed her in a warm glow. Her hair was mussed up from sleep and a black silk robe wrapped around her body, she was breathtaking. "You know you didn't have to sleep on the couch right?" She asked.

I blushed a little and smiled up at her, "Well I didn't want to push or anything."

Spencer giggled and cupped my cheek in her palm. I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch. I had been craving this for so long. "You're so beautiful Ashley and so kind. I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without you."

I looked up at her and pulled her into my arms so that she was laying half on top of me. Spencer snuggled into my neck as she moved to lie fully against me. I ran my hands slowly up and down her back, making her shiver and lean into me. Our bodies fit together perfectly, like we were made to fit together.

"Spence, what happened yesterday at Tom's?" I asked gently. I felt Spencer tense up briefly before she relaxed her body into mine.

She sighed began tracing patterns on my forearm with her finger tips, "It was intense. We walked in and found Paula yelling at Tom for releasing that video, which was surprising." I noticed that Spencer no longer called Paula Carlin her mother or Mom, I guess the woman finally pushed her too far and hurt her too much.

Spencer kept up the pattern on my arm and continued, "I was so certain that she had given him the tape, I mean I was positive that she'd just found yet another way to hurt me but it turns out Tom got it from a friend of his who works in the police evidence archives. Paula never showed him that fucking tape or even told him about what had happened to me with Carmen. She told him vaguely that I'd been seeing a woman and it went badly but not all the details like Tom lead me to believe. Not that it really matters, that woman has hurt me more than I think I will ever be able to forgive." Spencer paused and stared straight ahead of her, deep in thought.

I waited silently, giving her the time to collect her thoughts before she continued. I deeply resented the woman who had caused Spencer so much pain. Paula Carlin was a nasty piece of work that should have supported her daughter not judged her and made her feel ashamed, guilty and afraid.

Spencer suddenly raised herself up on her arm and gave me a small smile before she kissed me tenderly on the lips. "You're amazing you know that. You must be dying to know what happened but here you are just waiting patiently for me. How have you not run out of patience with me by now, after everything you have had to go through since we met?"

I smiled up at her and tightened my hold on her waist, "I never had patience before I met you. I guess I just knew that you were worth the wait, that you were the woman for me. Spencer I will always be waiting patiently, moving at the pace you are comfortable with. I love you and that means that I will never push you."

Spencer leaned in and kissed me with a bit more force than she had ever done before. Her kiss was hungry and passionate. I let her explore my mouth as I explored hers, tongues fighting for dominance. Our kisses were hard but tender at the same time. My hands found their way to her hips and held her close to me while her hands cupped my face.

After a few more moments of intense kisses Spencer pulled back, breathing heavily and rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms tightly around her and kissed the top of her head. I heard her sigh contentedly and it made me smile. "You know I love you too right?" She whispered.

"Yeah I do," I paused and chuckled earning me a puzzled look from my beautiful blonde, "Sorry Blue, I'm laughing because we have really done this whole thing in a pretty weird way. We met, flirted insanely, admit it you flirted with me!" Spencer nodded with a grin and I continued, "Then we had some intense times. You told me about your past and let me into your world. I knew I was in love with you but I was confused and sacred of where your head was at. Plus you were still with Tom. Then I kissed you and you ran away."

Spencer cut me off with a gentle finger on my lips, "I'm so sorry about that. The second I felt your lips on mine I knew that I needed you that I had to be with you. That kiss made me feel more than I had ever felt, even when I was with Kate. I got scared Ash, yeah I know surprise surprise me getting scared, but I was scared because I knew I had to be with you. I needed to think, to clear my head and to sort it all out so I ran. I hate myself for running when I should have told you how I was feeling instead of running."

Spencer looked down and frowned. "Hey Blue, its ok I understand. We're here now and that's what matters," I murmured, tilting her face so I could get lost in her ocean blue eyes.

Spencer smiled up at me and then chuckled, "Man did Julian have a go the morning after you kissed me. He turned up here and let me have it. I deserved every word he said and you know what he was completely right. It is time I moved on from the past and stopped letting it determine my life now. He was also right I was never scared that you would hurt me, what I was scared of is that I really love you and know that you love me back. I was fucking scared that it would actually work out between us and then I'd have to accept that I am gay and be happy. I know that's fucked up but Julian made me realise that is what I was afraid of."

Spencer smiled shyly and ducked her head into the crook of my neck where she fit so perfectly. I lightly stroked her back as she leaned into me. "It's not fucked up Spence, you've been through so much I'd be worried if you weren't scared. It means a lot though that you trust me not to hurt you. Look there is no rush Baby, if you aren't ready to be out or any of that then that's ok. We'll take it at your pace," I murmured against her hair. The scent of her was all around me, vanilla and raspberries. It was sweet and intoxicating just like the woman herself.

Spencer got this cute little smile on her face and kissed me on the neck just under my jaw, "You called me Baby," she said with a grin.

"Yeah, is that ok?" I asked.

"Yeah I like it," Spencer leaned up and kissed my lips with infinite tenderness. I tightened my hold on her and kissed her back adoringly. We lay in each other's arms for a few hours, talking and kissing while staying wrapped in each other. Spencer told me the full story of what had happened at Tom's and it took all my will power not to rush over there and kill the bastard. No matter what he had been through it would never justify the way he treated Spencer. It was unforgivable.

After she finished the story Spencer stood up and walked into the kitchen. I got up and followed her, concern on my face. "You alright Blue?"

Spencer smiled over at me and walked to her fridge, "Yeah I'm ok. I'm freaking starving though. So you want some breakfast Brown? I could cook?"

I beamed at her and said, "You cook? Wow musical genius, hot and she can cook! Blue you are the whole package."

Spencer giggled and smirked over at me, "You'd better believe it." I laughed and took a seat at the bench as Spencer began to prepare a breakfast feast for us. As she cooked Spencer sung softly under her breath, it was one of the songs she has sung to me in the bar the day before.

"There's a lot that I don't know

There's a lot that I'm still learning

When I think I'm letting go  
I find my body it's still burning"

Spencer began moving her hips as she hummed before singing the next part of the song.

"And they held me down  
And they had me living in the past  
Come on and pick me up  
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast"

I chuckled softly at the carefree look on her face. She was smiling and her eyes were twinkling as she moved her body to the music playing in her head. Spencer winked at me before busting out into the chorus.

"Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness  
Yeah I just need light

I need light in the dark  
As I search for the resolution."

Spencer took a bow and grinned at me as she pulled out some plates and glasses. She poured us some juice and flicked on the coffee maker for our much needed caffeine fix. I clapped my approval for her little impromptu performance. Spencer dished up the toast, scrambled eggs and bacon she had made and poured us each a cup of coffee. I smiled as she made mine exactly how I like it. I had gone out with my last girlfriend for like eight months and she had never been able to remember.

Spencer took a seat next to me at the bench and we began to eat. I took a mouthful and couldn't help but moan, "Fuck Blue this is incredible!" Spencer beamed at me and continued eating her breakfast with a contented smile on her face. It was amazing to see her like this, so relaxed and at peace, especially after the drama of the last few days.

We ate in comfortable silence each enjoying the simple pleasure of being together, it was kinda nice to see her in this domestic setting, it made me smile and picture a future of a lot of breakfasts together. "I was thinking that I might play those songs I shared with you for the band. You know The Resolution and Leaving that I sang in the bar and Breakeven, the one I wrote about Kate. What do you think Brown?" Spencer asked in a small voice.

I think my shock was written clearly on my face. I couldn't believe that she wanted to share those three songs that had to be the most personal things she had ever written. I stammered out, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah those songs are important to me sure but if I share them with the world maybe they'll be important to someone else," Spencer murmured as she leaned against me. I slipped an arm around her shoulder and brought her body closer to mine. I was so in awe of the remarkable woman beside me. She was easily the strongest woman I knew, she had become the fighter I knew she could be.

"Baby these songs will move people and I am so proud of you for wanting to share them with the world. Music has the power to change people and I know your music changed me. That violin solo you played when we came to see you perform with the orchestra? That changed me, I didn't know it at the time but it opened me up to falling in love with you," I said laying a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Really?" She asked with a shy smile.

"Oh absolutely, Blue you are amazing. I can't wait for the moment I get to hear you sing your songs on stage," I murmured.

"What makes you think I'm going to sing them myself? The Resolution would sound so much better sung by Julian and Leaving would so work as a duet between you and me. Breakeven, I might keep to myself and get you guys to help with the back-up vocals, what do you think?" She asked with the most adorable look of concentration on her face.

"I think that it's an honour that you would let me and Julian sing any part of these songs Spence," I murmured softly into her hair.

"You know when I was writing The Resolution I was thinking of you. The light in the dark as I search for my resolution is you Ash, you're my light and you helped me find my resolution," Spencer murmured before kissing me sweetly.

Spencer rose to her feet and held out her hand, I took it without hesitation and let her lead me down the hall to her music room. She moved across the room and sat at the piano, pulling me down on the stool beside her. I smiled to myself as her hands found the piano keys, almost like it was a reflex she couldn't control. She had the most beautiful smile on her face as her fingers danced over the keys.

I knew she felt safe in this room, at peace. It was the one place that she always felt safe, even when her world was falling apart. Spencer smiled sweetly at me and murmured, "I love being in here with you, this room used to be my sanctuary and I kinda like sharing that with you."

I kissed her cheek and grinned shyly at her, "Hey Blue can I play a song I wrote for you? I wrote it to help me understand what it was I was feeling. It was when you were with Tom and I knew I couldn't be with you but I couldn't stop myself from falling for you," I said leaning into her side.

"You wrote a song for me? I'd love to hear it," Spencer kissed me lovingly on the cheek and rose up from the piano stool to perch on the well worn brown leather chair in front of her window. I gave her a shy smile and began moving my own fingers across the keys. I gave her a wink, causing her to giggle, before I started singing the words I'd written for the beautiful blonde.

"Words fall out of my mouth  
And I can't seem to trace what I'm saying  
Everybody wants your time  
I'm just dreaming out loud,  
I can't have you for mine and I know it  
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,  
It's all over my face and I'm racing  
Gotta get away from you  
Burning all the way home,  
Try to put it to bed but it chases  
Every little thing I do

When the light falls on your face,  
Don't let it change you  
When the stars get in your eyes,  
Don't let them blind you.

You're beautiful  
Just the way you are  
And I love it all  
Every line, and every scar  
And I wish that I could make you see  
This is where you ought to be,  
Come down to me."

I moved my fingers over the keys and watched her as she moved to stand beside the piano. Her cerulean eyes were locked on mine and shining with tears as a soft, tender smile graced her lips. It was a smile I had only ever seen directed at me and it made my heart race.

"Spell it out in a song,  
Bet you never catch on to my weakness  
I'm singing every word for you.  
Here I'm thinking I'm sly  
Then you're catching my eye, and just maybe  
You're thinking what I'm thinking too

When you see it on my face,  
Don't let it shake you  
I know better than to try and  
Take you with me.

You're beautiful  
Just the way you are  
And I love it all  
Every line, and every scar  
And I wish that I could make you see  
This is where you ought to be,  
Come down to me

Come down to me."

I sang the last note and before I could do more than look up at her, Spencer's lips were on mine. It was passionate and sweet and salty from the tears that were leaking from her eyes. I stood up from my seat at her piano and pulled her into my arms, crushing our bodies together. Everywhere that our bodies touched was on fire.

I felt her push me back against the piano as her hands found their way into my hair. I grasped her hips and held her flush against me. She pulled her lips from mine and moved her mouth to my ear. Her lips grazed the skin as she whispered, "How could I have ever thought I could be without you?"

My heart raced to an alarming speed at her words. It was insane, I had only met her a short time ago and I was more in love with her than I had ever been. I felt it in every fiber of my being that she was the one for me. I'd dated girls before, hell I'd be out since like 15 so I had been with a lot of girls, but not one of them ever made me feel even one shred of what Spencer made me feel with just a look.

"Well all I know is that I can't be without you. So Blue how about you let me take you out on a date?" I said with a coy smile, keeping my arms around her waist as hers found their way behind my neck.

"Hmm well seeing as we've made out and I told you I love you a date might be a good idea," Spencer said in a teasing voice.

I smirked her, God I loved the confident, teasing side of her. "Ok Blue, tomorrow night you and me on a date."

Spencer smirked back at me and nodded, "Sounds like a plan. Now come on we'd better get ready we have band rehearsal at Julian's in like 45 minutes." I groaned and let her slip out of my arms reluctantly. Spencer walked to the door and turned back to face me, "Ash the song you wrote about me…well I see it. This, here with you…this is where I ought to be." Spencer smiled tenderly and slipped out of the room. I couldn't have wiped the grin off my face if I'd wanted to.

------

**Songs in this chapter:**

**The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin**

**Come Down To Me – Saving Jane**


	12. Taking A Chance

-1**Merry Christmas my lovelies. I may not be able to post for a while after today so have a safe and happy Christmas and New Year.**

**Thanks to all who have reviewed on this story, it means so much to me.**

**mutt009 - Sorry, didn't mean to tease lol. Thanks for the review and I don't think we've seen the last of Tom just yet**

**uluvme - Yeah I'm loving our girls, I want me a Spencer or an Ashley! Thanks!**

**WillowOn3 - Yeah I am evil lol, I saw right through your reverse psychology lol. Your acting was very Oscar worthy! 'Fear Itself the Musical' I love it!**

**Palexobsessed - Yeah I am a tease, sorry lol**

**somthgIlike2do - Thank you, here's another Christmas present!**

**LoveAsh87 - Thanks, I love Ashley in the caring role, I think it suits her**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Corny romanticness is here lol. I'm glad you liked the chapter, even though I still don't lol**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twelve – Taking A Chance**

Spencer's POV

I would be lying if I didn't admit I was a bit nervous, or a lot nervous. I was in my apartment getting ready for my first official date with Ashley and I had butterflies in my stomach the size of pelicans. I kept berating myself for my nerves, I mean here I was nervous about going out with a woman who I had a deep emotional connection to, who I had made out with and a woman who I knew would never intentionally hurt me. I was already so in love with her and yet here I was scared of actually dating her.

I bathed, washed my hair, plucked, shaved and scrubbed until I was clean and looking my best. I spent over two hours trying to decide what to wear, changing my outfit countless times. I had no idea where she was taking me and that was just adding to my anxiety about the night.

For all my past experiences I had never actually been out on a date with a girl in a public place. I had been with two women and never been out with them as a couple. Whenever I was out in public with Kate and Carmen I made them act like we were just friends. I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for this.

I finally got ready, fighting the urge to throw up the entire time, and sat tensely on my sofa waiting for her to arrive to pick me up. I couldn't stop my hands fidgeting on my lap. I so wanted to be sitting at the piano or have my violin or bass with me, anything to keep my fingers busy.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock at my door. I took a deep breath to compose myself before jumping up to let Ashley in. I smoothed down my hair one last time before I swung the door open to reveal a beaming Ashley on the other side with a single red rose in her hand. She looked incredible. She was wearing tight black jeans with a red halter-neck top that set off the red highlights in her bangs perfectly. Her curly brown hair hung loose around her face which was filled with excitement as she leaned in to kiss me.

I met her half way and kissed her chastely on the lips, before stepping aside and letting her into the apartment. "You look beautiful Blue," She murmured as she handed me the rose and walked past me into the apartment. I smiled nervously and closed the door behind her.

"Thank you, you, uh you look gorgeous Ash. Um I'm almost ready I just have to get my bag," I stammered out and then blushed because of how stupid I sounded. I went to walk out only to have her grasp my hand and spin me back around so that I was in her arms. She looked deeply into my eyes with so much understanding that it almost brought tears to my eyes.

"I know you're nervous honey and I don't blame you. There's no rush, we have all the time in the world Spence, you just need to tell me what you're thinking," she said softly.

I swallowed nervously and nodded, "I'm ok Ash, really. So where are we going tonight?" I was still in her arms and trying not to let her see how much I was panicking. She didn't need to see my fear, she'd been impacted by it enough since she'd met me. I wasn't going to put her through any more.

Ashley looked at me uncertainly for a moment and then leaned in and captured my lips in a heated kiss that took my breath away. I leaned into her and wrapped my arms around her, holding her as close to me as I could get her. She gave me strength.

I reluctantly pulled back out of her arms and said, "I'll just get my purse and we can head out." I left her in the living room and wandered down the hall to my bedroom. I placed the rose in a vase I had on my bedside table, grabbed my bag and looked over to the mirror. I stared at myself and muttered, "Don't be scared, you can do this." With one more deep breath I turned off the light and wandered down the hall to join Ashley.

"So where are we going?" I asked again as I stepped into the room, making the brunette jump.

Ashley turned to face me and I felt her eyes sweep over my body. She reached my eyes and stepped forward to take my hand in hers, "I thought we'd go to dinner and then if you want a movie or something." I nodded and forced a smile on my face, hoping it hid the nervousness I was consumed by.

Ashley took my hand in hers and I drew some comfort from the warmth that radiated from her. She gave me a reassuring smile and led me out of my apartment. After I locked the door we headed down the stairs and climbed into her Porsche. I couldn't stop my hands from moving across my knees like they were touching piano keys, Ashley reached over and covered my fidgeting hands with her own, "It's ok Blue, if you're not ready for this we'll leave it for another time," she said kindly.

There was no way in hell I was going to let my fear hurt her again so I forced a smile onto my face and squeezed her hand, "It's ok Ash, I want this, I want to be with you."

She smiled warmly, "I know that Baby, and I want to be with you too. There is no doubt about that, but maybe, just maybe you aren't ready to be out with me in public? And Spencer if that's the case it's fine, we can wait, just keep this between us for a while."

My God Ashley Davies is the kindest, sweetest woman I have ever met. She just kept putting my feelings ahead of her own repeatedly. I owed her so much for her patience and understanding, she is one incredible woman, how the hell did I get so damn lucky? I smiled softly at her and murmured, "I'm ok Ash, I promise. Look I'm nervous, ok really nervous, but I want this, I want us. I can't and won't let my fear stop me from living, not again."

Ashley leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips. I leaned my forehead against hers and closed my eyes to drink in all that was her. From the silkiness of her skin, the warmth of her breath and the delicious scent of her, I took it all in. It gave me comfort. Ashley pulled back and started the car, "Ok Blue, you sure you're ready for this?" I grinned and nodded. Ashley beamed over at me, her nose-crinkling adorably as she did, and backed carefully out of the car space. We held hands the whole way to the restaurant with her shooting me reassuring smiles every now and then. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have her?

Ashley's POV

I could tell she was nervous, really nervous, but that's hardly surprising. Despite the fact that she has been in relationships with two women before she has never been 'out'. Both her relationships existed in the closest and when she tried to move out of the closet with Carmen it all went to shit. It was understandable that she was scared, I just hoped she knew that I would never, ever push her or force her into something before she was ready. I guess that's why I kept giving her chances to back out, I was so excited to take her out but I wanted it to be right for her.

Meeting Spencer changed me, it really did. I never thought I would ever be in a relationship, I just saw myself as being not the relationship type, but now I want it all with the beautiful blonde, and my God did she look beautiful that night. She was wearing a midnight blue, spaghetti strapped dress that flowed over her body to just above her knees. Each time she moved it swirled around her body. She was a vision.

The drive to the restaurant was filled with music and a comfortable silence. I knew music was one of the few things that would calm the blonde so I let it wash over her to settle her nerves. She held my hand gently in hers, occasionally stroking my knuckles with her thumb as she sung softly along with the music.

I pulled into the car park of a small, out of the way restaurant that my father used to own, I figured that being a bit out of the way and unknown, we were more likely to get privacy and not run into anyone we know. I didn't want anything to make this hard on Spencer, I just wanted her to have a good time.

I wanted to show her how easy it could be, I wanted her to see that despite the past experiences she'd had it was worth it to let love in, to let me in. Once I parked I jumped out and raced around to open her door for her. Holding out my hand I bowed slightly and said, "We're here milady."

Spencer giggled and took my hand as she stepped gracefully out of the car. We walked hand in hand into the restaurant, I was surprised that Spencer allowed the intimate contact in public, pleasantly surprised. Once we were seated at our table and had our drink orders taken, Spencer leaned over the table and took my hand in hers again. We gazed into each other's eyes. Brown locked on blue. That look spoke a thousand words of how we felt about each other. God I love her.

"I'm glad I'm here with you Ashley," she murmured with the most tender smile gracing her face. I had never seen her smile at anyone else like that, which made my heart almost burst with love for her.

"I'm glad you're here with me too Blue," I smiled warmly at her and stroked her hand with my thumb. A waiter came by and we ordered our meals, Spencer held my hand the whole time, she's amazing.

"I have to admit I am so damn nervous about playing my songs at our gig on Friday night, it's like I'm baring my soul to the whole world," Spencer said once the waiter had left.

The day before at our band rehearsal Spencer had played three of the songs she had written for the band. The first one, Breakeven, was heartbreaking and beautiful. It told the story of her break up with Kate. It was unanimously decided that Spencer would sing that one. The second song was Leaving, which was full of anguish and desperation, was written about her desire to leave Tom. The band instantly loved Spencer's suggestion that she and I sing it together as a duet. And finally the third song, The Resolution, which was again full of anguish and even a tiny bit of hope, which told of her realisation of what Tom and her mother were doing to her. After much coaxing (and an adorable pout/head tilt combo which no one has ever been able to say no to) Spencer convinced Julian that he should be the one to sing it. The compromise being that she would do the backup singing.

We were having extra rehearsals everyday this week to get the new songs ready to perform at Pella on Friday night. Glen had organised an ongoing gig for us after the success of our first one there. Glen is a damn good guy. We were also doing another gig at a slightly larger club on Saturday night called Soliloquy. It was all pretty exciting and I loved that I had Spencer to share it with.

"Spencer, your songs will be a big hit with the crowd, no doubt. You saw how much the band loved them, there is no faking that level of excitement," I smiled at her (seriously though when the band heard the songs Jen cried, Julian pretended he hadn't teared up and the usually stoic Grey had launched into a speech about how those songs were going to get us noticed), "You are amazingly talented Spencer Carlin and your music is going to change the world someday."

Spencer beamed at me and brought my hand to her lips, "Thank you Ash. I've been feeling oddly inspired since I met you. Oh and how great is it that you're going to perform your song too?!" She gushed.

After Spencer had performed her songs to almost hysterical happiness from the entire band, she insisted that I play them the song I had written for her. I was scared shitless that after hearing the wonder that was Spencer's music they would hate mine. Turns out they loved it and it would be one of the songs we performed on Friday at Pella.

"God I was so scared when you made me play that song for them Spence, that song means so much and I was scared to put it out there for other people to hear," I said gazing into her ocean blue eyes.

"I understand Ash, I do. That's exactly how I felt when I played my songs for them, but your song is sensational. Its heartfelt, sweet and beautiful. When I heard you play that song I got chills. It touched me in a way that very few songs do. I think the arrangement you've worked out will be fantastic," Spencer said softly.

"Well it has to be played on the piano, I know Jen can do wonders with that and why not take advantage of you and Julian's talent on the cello and violin?" The arrangement I'd come up with involved Spencer on the violin and Julian on the cello and I was going to play the bass. We had worked on it at our rehearsal that morning and it was sounding brilliant, actually all four of our new songs were sounding brilliant. I was blessed to play with some bloody talented musicians.

Our food came out then and we both dug in, sharing tastes of our meals with each other. We were laughing and joking, and ok flirting as we ate. Spencer had totally relaxed and it was incredible. I had dreamed about being on a date with this woman and I have to say the reality was so much better than the fantasy.

She was funny, sassy, surprising, warm, sweet and kind. I loved getting to know her. Over dessert we discussed our childhoods and how we got started in music. Spencer it turns out was taken to piano lessons at four years of age and then progressed to the violin at six. I on the other hand had a guitar thrust into my hands at age three and never looked back. It was strange how well we worked together musically, given our differing musical backgrounds. Spencer's music background was technical and classical all the way, while mine was definitely not.

We were just finishing off our coffee when I saw Spencer freeze and turn an alarming shade of white. She had been in the middle of telling me about her first violin recital when her voice trailed off mid sentence and her eyes locked on something over my shoulder. She yanked her hand from mine and swallowed audibly. "Spencer are you alright?" I asked gently. She just shook her head.

I turned around to see what was causing her so much distress. I saw an older, well dressed man making his way over to our table. I heard her mutter, "shit, shit, shit," under her breath as he wandered up to us.

"Hello Spencer, it's good to see you," the man said in a deep, gravely voice.

"Hello Mr. Brooks, it's good to see you too," Spencer stammered out.

I looked back and forth between them trying to figure out why this man looked so familiar to me. The man looked over at me with a cold smile, "So who is your friend Spencer?"

"Um Mr. Brooks, this is Ashley. Ashley this is Mr. Brooks, Tom's father," Spencer said with a tremor in her voice. Oh shit, I thought, now I understood why she looked so freaked out and why the guy looked so familiar, he was exactly what Tom would look like in thirty years. I smiled weakly up at the man, who ignored me and turned back to Spencer.

"So where's Tom tonight? You two still coming around for dinner this weekend?" He asked. Spencer looked confused and glanced over at me, I think I looked just as bewildered as her.

"I'm sorry Mr. Brooks but I thought you knew that Tom and I broke up," Spencer murmured quietly.

The older man looked shocked and then very, very angry. "What the hell do you mean you two broke up! Why the hell would you do that?! And why wasn't I informed?" He snarled.

Spencer looked like she wanted to cry as she said, "We broke up a couple of days ago, we haven't been happy together in a long time sir," she paused and took a deep breath before looking over at me with fear in her eyes, "Mr. Brooks I'm gay so I had to break up with Tom because it would have been unfair to both of us to stay together. As for why he didn't tell you, well you'll need to talk to Tom about that sir."

God I was proud of her for admitting to that scary old guy why she and Tom had broken up, and it was good of her to leave out what that he'd released the video of her being raped. Spencer is better person than me, I would have told the world what a bastard he was.

Mr. Brooks looked horrified, "Please tell me you are joking Spencer, you cannot possibly be gay! You were brought up better than that, your mother would never allow that kind of depravity from one of her children." Mr. Brooks glared over at me and then sneered, "So I guess this is the person you left my son for then is it?"

Spencer gritted her teeth and got to her feet so she was looking Mr. Brooks right in the eye, "No, I left your son because I was unhappy with him and because by being with him I was lying to myself. I never cheated on Tom. Ashley and I are together, but it had nothing to do with Tom. And as for my mother, that woman is no longer part of my life, and now that I'm no longer with your son there is no reason fro you to be in my life either so I suggest you go back and join your dinner companions and leave me and Ashley to enjoy our _date_." Spencer practically spat the word 'date' at him and he noticeably flinched. I bet he had never seen her like this, in all her glory, before.

"Enjoy you're perversion Spencer, I'm sure it will be worth it when you're burning in hell!" He snapped. I was about to jump up and say something when Spencer took a step closer to the guy and got right up in his face.

"I'm going to hell huh? Well why don't you save me a seat then?" Spencer snarled furiously. Mr. Brooks glared daggers at her and stormed off, slamming the door to the restaurant as he went. Spencer sagged back down into her seat and buried her face in her hands.

I jumped up from my seat and moved to her side. I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and held her close to me. Spencer was literally shaking, at first I thought with fear and then she lifted her head and I realised it was rage. "Where does he get off passing judgement on me! That bastard. You know what I will not let him ruin this night for us Ashley. Can we get out of here please?" Spencer asked tiredly as the anger drained out of her.

"Of course we can Baby," I answered. I kissed her cheek and signalled for the check. Once we were paid up we headed back out to the car. "So where to beautiful?" I asked once we were settled in the Porsche.

"I don't mind, I just want to be with you," Spencer murmured as she reached over and rested her hand on my knee. I smiled at her and covered her hand with my own.

"Spencer are you ok, after what happened in there?" I asked gently.

Spencer sighed and rubbed her eyes with her free hand, "Yeah I'll be ok, I guess if I'm going to be out I need to get used to the odd ignorant remark, and hey the guy did just find out I'd broken up with his son and then caught me on a date with someone else, he's entitled to be pissed off."

"It doesn't justify what he said Spence, and Baby most people don't think like him and Paula. Most people will surprise you with how they react. I'm sorry it happened," I murmured leaning back into the soft leather of the car seat.

"It's not your fault that Tom's father is an ignorant prick just like his son. The only thing you're responsible for tonight Ash is giving me one of the best nights I've ever had. From the moment we arrived and right up until Mr. Brooks I just relaxed and had a wonderful time, so thank you," Spencer smiled shyly up at me and leaned over to place a soft kiss on my lips before settling back in her seat, "Now where are we going Brown?"

"I want to show you a place that always inspires me. It's a place my Dad used to take me when I was a kid," I said as I started the car.

"Sounds good to me. Ash thank you for being amazing."

I beamed at her, "Baby if I'm amazing it's only because you bring it out in me."

Spencer chuckled, "If you say so Davies, although I kinda think the amazing was there long before I was."

I laughed and then became serious for a moment, "Hey Spence, thanks for taking a chance on me, for letting go of your fears and letting me in."

Spencer looked at me tenderly, "I bet on you Ash and it has been so worth it."

I just smiled adoringly at her and drove off towards our next destination.

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**Ok so the next chapter will pick up where this one left off.**


	13. Unexpected Visitors

**I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Years.**

**Thank you so very much for the wonderful reviews on Chapter 12, you guys are all legends!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG, somthgIlike2do, uluvme, mutt009, Palexobsesses, MMKESLER, lilce1992, southofnowhere2010, DarceLynn and LoveAsh87, thank you so very much for your awesome reviews.**

**WillowOn3 – Yes I am a mind reader, be afraid lol. Ok so the hint I'll give you, over the next few chapters you might get a tad angry at me for what I put our girls through lol**

**I apologise for the delay in getting this update posted, I ended up being away for longer than expected due to some health problems with my mother.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirteen – Unexpected Visitors**

Spencer's POV

I was a little rattled after that fucked up scene with Tom's father at the restaurant. Although I have to say I wasn't really all that surprised that Tom hadn't told his father that we'd broken up, he always was scared of what his father thought of him. I had never seen a grown man so concerned with what his father thought of him. It was one of the only things we had in common, fear of parental judgment, or maybe fear of judgmental parents. Either way it was pretty much the only thing we had in common during our short sham of a relationship.

I had always disliked Mr. Brooks, he came across as a rather cold man who cared more about appearances than anything else. You could pretty much always see him pulling Tom's strings like he was a fucking marionette. It made me almost have sympathy for Tom…I said _almost._ I do wish he had told his father that we had broken up though, it would have saved Ashley and me having to deal with that shit on our first date, which despite my nerves had been going really well.

I was surprised how easy it was to be with her once I relaxed and forgot about being nervous. Once we were at the restaurant I didn't notice anyone but her and I just enjoyed our time together. I had never felt like that with anyone. Anytime I was out in public with either Carmen or Kate I was always preoccupied with worrying about what other people might think. I spent all my time when I was out with either of them looking around at other people and trying to not let it show that we were a couple. With Ashley all that fell away and I just let myself live in the moment. It was so liberating.

After we left the restaurant Ashley told me she wanted to take me to a place her father used to take her when she was little. We drove for about twenty minutes in comfortable silence. With most people I find silences awkward, but with Ashley I feel no need to fill each silence with chat. With her I can just be.

Ashley parked her Porsche on the side of the road next to a bunch of trees at the base of hill. It was deserted and to be honest a little reminiscent of about 100 different horror movies I'd seen. If I didn't feel so safe with her I might have refused to venture into those trees, but this was Ashley and I trusted her implicitly. Ashley came around to my side of the car and opened the door for me. She held out her hand and helped me out of the car, she really is so chivalrous.

"It's a little bit of a walk but I promise it's worth it," Ashley said with a grin.

"If we were going to go hiking you could have warned me so I could have traded my $300 heels for boots!" I teased.

"Oh come on Princess, you'll be ok," Ashley said with a smirk. She took my hand in hers and led me into the trees. I really had to fight the urge to jump at every little noise, which seemed to amuse Ashley a lot.

"You know Spence there really is nothing in these trees that is going to eat you and hey if they want to they'll have to go through me, I'll protect you Blue," She said squeezing my hand gently.

"Ok that works for me, while the monsters are eating you I'll run for it!" I said with a smirk of my own.

"Thanks Carlin, that's really nice of you! Now come on we're almost there," Ashley winked at me and led me through the last line of trees. We walked up the hill a little more and then stopped.

I gasped at the beautiful sight in front of me. We had reached the top of the hill and were now looking out over the lights of L.A. It was magical. I don't think I had ever thought of L.A as beautiful before, but after seeing that view my mind was blown and I could see the splendor of the city. Ashley led me by the hand closer to the edge and we sat down on the soft grass. I leaned against her and she wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

"So Blue what do you think? Was it worth the trek?" She asked teasingly.

I nodded and snuggled closer to her, "Well worth it. It's so beautiful up here Ash. I don't think L.A. has ever looked so stunning. This view is spectacular."

"Oh I don't know, I think the view I'm looking at might be better," Ashley murmured. I looked up and saw her eyes on me, which made me blush. I leaned up a little and caught her lips in a fierce kiss. Ashley moaned against my lips and held me closer as her hands made their way around to my back. I tangled my hands in her curls and deepened the kiss as I gently pushed her back so I could lower myself over her.

God she felt so good in my arms, I never wanted to stop kissing her. We kissed until we had to break apart to breathe and then I moved to lie beside her, resting my cheek against her chest. Her arms circled me and I felt safer than I could ever remember feeling.

"Ash, I'm sorry about Tom's father, I hope it didn't ruin the night for you," I murmured softly.

"Uh Spencer after those kisses I can hardly even remember my name let alone that guy. Nothing could ruin this night Blue because I'm here with you and it's exactly where I want to be. Plus the only person who should be apologizing is Tom's Dad, but I don't think we should hold our breath waiting for that apology," Ashley said, I could hear the smile in her voice.

I chuckled and snuggled deeper into her arms, "Good I'm glad because I feel the same, this is exactly where I want to be too," I paused a moment in thought before I continued, "Hey Ash, tell me about this spot and why it was so special to you and your Dad."

Ashley tightened her hold on me and began speaking softly, the soothing raspiness of her voice making tingles shoot around my body, "Well you know my Dad was in a band so he was off touring a lot and almost never home. I would have been five when he came running in one day full of excitement and swept me up in his arms. He told me he wanted to share something with me and we came out here. He carried me on his back the whole way from the car and I just felt so safe, so loved. When we arrived he sat me down right here and told me he had written a song for me and then without any musical accompaniment he sang that song.

It was beautiful and heartfelt and even at five I knew it was special. After he'd finished singing we stayed here for over an hour laughing and playing. I so rarely saw my Dad so this was a special moment for me. From then on every time he was home he would bring me here and we would talk about everything and nothing. It was here that I came out to my father, here that he told me he and my Mom were getting divorced, here where he told me he had been nominated for a Grammy, this place holds a lot of memories for me.

The day I heard that my father had been killed in a car accident this is where I came. I had to get away from everyone and their sympathy, it made me feel like I was suffocating. I came here and cried for hours. I was here for so long that the sun was beginning to rise on a new day, the first day without my father in the world," Ashley paused and I saw tears in her eyes. I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze, earning me a tender smile. "Well not long after the sun had risen I heard voices calling for me. My friend Aiden had been out looking for me and had seen my car parked on the side of the road. I got up and ran to find him before he stumbled on this place. I didn't want anyone knowing about this place, it was mine and my Dad's and I didn't want to share it with anyone else, until you."

I leaned up on my elbow so I could look down at her. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears and the moon was bathing her in an ethereal glow. I cupped her cheek in my palm and whispered, "Thank you for sharing this with me, your story and this place. It really means a lot Ash." I smiled before leaning in to place a soft kiss on her full lips. Ashley smiled into the kiss and began moving her lips with mine.

After a few minutes of languid, tender kisses we broke apart and I settled back in her arms with my head on her chest. Ashley was running her hand up and down my back in a soothing pattern that almost had me dropping off to sleep.

We lay cuddled together in comfortable silence for a while as the lights of L.A. twinkled below us. It was perfect until the wind picked up and I began to shiver, which Ashley instantly noticed, "Ok Gorgeous you're freezing so how about we get out of here?"

I nodded and we both got to our feet. Ashley took my hand in hers and led me back to the car. The walk back was much easier than the walk there, which I'm guessing was due to the fact that we got to walk back down hill. Once we got to the car Ashley opened my door for me and got me settled before heading around and climbing into the driver's seat.

She started the car and began driving. I reached over and took her free hand in mine, which made her smile that nose-crinkling smile that I had fallen in love with. I couldn't help but watch her as we drove along the road. The wind was throwing her gorgeous curls back over her shoulders and her face was flushed from the wind. Her eyes were twinkling and her lips were curved up in the most beautiful of smiles. Ashley Davies is absolutely breath taking.

Before I was ready for the night to be over we were pulling up in the parking lot behind Pella and walking up the stairs to my apartment. I couldn't stop the huge smile on my face. I was genuinely happy for the first time in a damn long time, even the confrontation with Mr. Brooks couldn't ruin my happiness.

Once we arrived at my door I turned to face Ashley, suddenly nervous again. I think Ashley could sense my sudden bout of nervousness because she smiled gently at me and cupped my face in her palms before leaning in and kissing me with infinite tenderness. I tangled my hands in her curls and kissed her back.

It was one of the sweetest kisses I had ever experienced.

Ashley pulled back and rested her hands on my hips as she graced me with a nose-crinkling smile. "I had a great time with you tonight Blue," she murmured.

"Yeah I had a good time too, once I got over my nerves," we both laughed and I pulled her into an embrace. I put my lips against her ear and whispered, "Thanks Ash."

"For what Spence?" She asked softly.

"For helping me to have one of the best nights. In both my relationships with Kate and Carmen a night out like this would have been spent with me feeling anxious the entire time and constantly looking over my shoulder and monitoring our behaviour so that it didn't look like we were a couple. You got me to forget about all that and to just let go and enjoy myself so thank you," I murmured before placing a tender kiss on her throat just below her ear.

"In that case beautiful you're welcome. Maybe we can do it again sometime?" She asked hopefully.

"Definitely," I said pulling back slightly so that I could look her in the eyes, "Well thanks again for an amazing night."

"No thank you Spence. Uh well I'd better get home, we have that early band rehearsal tomorrow morning so I'll come by and pick you up on my way," Ashley smiled tenderly at me and took my hand in hers. She raised it to her lips and kissed it gently, "Good night Spencer."

"Good night Gorgeous," I leaned in and kissed her one more time on her oh so kissable lips before grinning like an idiot and letting myself into my apartment. I murmured, "See you tomorrow," as I closed the door. Once the door was closed I leaned up against it and hugged myself with a huge smile on my face.

"I love you Ash," I whispered before heading to my room to get ready for bed, the smile never leaving my face.

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Tom's POV

I was sitting in my living room nursing my seventh scotch of the night. Everything had fallen apart on me and I had no fucking clue why. I mean I know that Spencer was not the love of my life but I really thought we were happy, ok so maybe happy is too strong of a word, but I thought we were at least comfortable. I thought she'd gotten over her deviant past and realized that she could only find true love with a man.

She was mine and I couldn't bear the thought of losing her to that dyke. It was so unnatural and disgusting and Spencer was better than that, although after seeing that tape my opinion of her dropped somewhat. I can forgive what was on that tape though because you can clearly see she was forced into it. I really hate that Carmen woman for hurting Spencer like that, I hate her for forcing Spencer into that perverted lifestyle, which is exactly what that Ashley was doing.

Releasing that tape of Spencer was a low thing to do, I know that. It was cowardly and underhand and I usually pride myself on being a better man than that, but she gave me no choice. I had hoped that if I released that tape it would remind Spencer of the dangers of that deviant lifestyle she was being brainwashed into. I had hoped that it would snap her out of the spell Ashley had her under and that she would come to her senses and come back to me. Instead all it did was push her further into that filthy dyke's arms.

I hadn't left the house since the confrontation with Spencer and her family, I assumed that dyke of hers was outside the whole time, probably gloating about recruiting another nice girl to that life of perversion. Paula had arrived first and really ripped into me. Paula Carlin is rather like the female version of my father, but less cold. She at least cares about her child and wanted to help her. Hell she was the one who got her daughter away from that deviant lifestyle the first time around, gotta respect her for that I suppose.

I was pretty shocked when Spencer, Arthur and Glen all stormed in. I really never expected to see Spencer come back to me with so much anger. I had assumed she would come crawling back and beg me to give her another chance, which I of course would have once she'd paid her penance for cheating on me with a woman of all things.

But I guess I had underestimated the power that Ashley had over her so instead of coming back to beg for my forgiveness she came to confront me about the video. It was actually kind of humorous when she thought her mother had given me that tape, as if Paula Carlin would have voluntarily let anyone see that tape that had the potential to cause her family such shame. One thing Paula Carlin couldn't abide was a scandal. I was tempted to just let Spencer keep thinking her mother had betrayed her, but I think credit should be given where credit is due so I announced that it was all my doing and that Paula had told me nothing.

There was a bit of shouting after that and then Glen bloody Carlin took it upon himself to attack me. I really should have him charged with assault! I have to go to court on Monday for a client with a rather impressive shiner. Problem is if I have Glen charged it will come out that I released the tape, which would get me into a bit of hot water, even though I had good reasons why I did it. It's all a bit of a mess really.

I mean I know that given time Spencer will get free of Ashley's clutches and come back to me and a normal way of life, but I have never been the most patient of men. She had better pray that when she comes back to me I am in a forgiving mood because she has really disgraced both of us with this little escapade.

I was startled from my thoughts by a thumping on my front door. I staggered to my feet and stumbled drunkenly down the hall to open the door. Once I saw who was on the other side I really wished I hadn't bothered getting up.

"Hello Father, what brings you here so late?" I asked trying not to slur my words.

My father scoffed and glared at me, "You drunk again Thomas? What a disgrace," he shoved pasted me and wandered into my living room where he helped himself to my scotch. "So I had an interesting dinner tonight, you'll never guess who I saw at the restaurant my boy."

I swallowed nervously, I had a sickening feeling that this conversation was not going to go well for me, "Who did you see Father?"

My father turned to me and fixed his cold grey eyes on mine with a look of anger and disgust that made me feel like a five year old who had just been caught wetting the bed. "Well Thomas I ran into your _ex_-girlfriend and her current_ girl_friend who were out on a date. What the hell happened Thomas? And why the hell did I have to find out that way, you should have told me so that we could have come up with a strategy to fix this mess, or at least keep it hidden!" my father bellowed.

I had no idea what to say. I couldn't believe that Spencer was out flaunting her perversion mere days after we had broken up, what the hell is wrong with her?! More importantly how dare she tell my father we were broken up! She should have lied to him, she knows what the man is like, hell she lived with a mother just like him!

"So you got anything to say for yourself Thomas? I don't think I can fix this mess you've brought on yourself! You really are such a disappointment boy. First you disrespect me and get engaged to a woman that is so far beneath you it is embarrassing then I find you a girl from a good, respectful family and you can't even keep her. Thomas what kind of man are you that your girlfriend would rather live a life of degradation and sin with another woman than be with you?" My father yelled. His face had turned a deep red colour as his anger bubbled up inside of him.

"I'm sorry father. I tried to get her to stay, I promise you that. I tried everyway I knew how to keep her, but that woman she was with brainwashed my Spencer and took her away from me. I don't know what else I could have done Father," I stammered weakly.

My father laughed cruelly, "You tried everyway you knew to keep her huh? That's bullshit son, if you'd tried everything then you'd still have her! It amazes me how you are able to function each day with how monumentally stupid you are. How do you think this looks for me and your mother? Hmmm? How does it look for us that our son turns women gay?!"

"Father… I uh I'm sorry," I hung my head to avoid looking into his anger filled eyes. I hated that he could reduce me to a child again, I hated that I let him control me even after all these years.

"You're sorry huh? Well my boy that's just not good enough this time. I made you everything you are, you have never had to work for anything it's all just been handed to you Thomas and instead of making you a better man it has just made you weak. I got you into college, I welcomed you back into our lives after you disgraced us with that Sally woman, I got you your job and I got you Spencer which you managed to screw up!" My Father was yelling so much that spit was flying from his lips and almost hitting me. He was visibly trembling with rage, I don't think I had ever seen him so furious before.

I stared at the ground, unsure of what to say to try and appease the enraged man in my living room. I had no idea how to get out of this mess, all I knew was that it was all those bitches, Spencer and Ashley's fault.

"Got nothing to say huh? Why am I not surprised, you are pathetic Thomas. I think its time you stepped up and learnt to be a man, so from here on in you are on your own. I will not be pulling any more strings for you or calling in anymore favours. You need to prove to me that you are not just a waste of my time and resources Thomas. I am so disappointed in you and I am ashamed to call you my son!" With that my father turned and marched from my house, slamming the door hard behind him.

I sunk to my sofa with my head in my hands. Spencer Carlin had ruined my life.

I staggered to my feet and towards the door. My father wanted me to be a man, then I was going to show them all that I wasn't a man to be messed with.

-------

Spencer's POV

I groaned sleepily when my alarm clock jolted me from my wonderful dreams of Ashley. Ashley, even the thought of her brought a grin to my face. I felt like a teenager with a crush and it kind of felt incredible. I had truly never felt so alive before.

I was just getting out of the shower when I heard a knock on my door, assuming it was Ashley a bit early to pick me up I wrapped a towel around my body and answered the door. As soon as I saw who was standing outside my door I tried to slam it shut only to have the door pushed back and the person shove past me into my apartment.

"Tom what the hell are you doing here?" I snapped angrily and I crossed my arms over my chest. I was suddenly very aware of how little clothing I was wearing and how alone I was in my apartment. I didn't even have neighbours and being morning there wasn't going to be anyone down stairs in the bar. All in all I was feeling pretty vulnerable.

Tom staggered drunkenly around my living room before turning to face me, "What am I doing here? Well Spencer thanks to you I got a really fucking pleasant visit from my father last night. Seems you and he had a little run in while you were on your little date with that dyke," Tom spat out.

"Tom don't do this ok, you're drunk and I have nothing to say to you. You really need to leave," I said, trying to keep my voice sounding calm even though I was starting to get pretty scared.

"Oh I get it, is your little dyke friend here? She get you in the sack already? Man didn't take long, that dyke really works fast although she did manage to get in your bed while you were still my girlfriend so I can't say I'm surprised. How about I go and say hi to your little friend?" Tom snarled as he raced down the hall towards my bedroom. I followed after him starting to get really pissed off and really frightened.

"Tom get the fuck out of my house! You have no reason to be here, I'm not your girlfriend anymore and I want nothing more to do with you." I yelled angrily.

"No reason to be here huh? Well how about the fact that my entire life is ruined because of you Spencer? Hmm, is that good enough reason for you?" Tom snapped.

"What the fuck are you talking about Tom? How did I ruin your life? You fucking posted a video of me being raped on the fucking internet after emailing it to hundreds of people and you think I ruined your life? You've got to be kidding me!" I yelled. I couldn't remember a time when I'd felt more furious, I hated Tom with an intensity that really rattled me.

"Oh yeah Spencer you ruined my life. Because of you my father has cut me off and thinks I'm less of a man. Apparently I turned you gay so I can't be a man. My father is so disappointed in me and it's all your fault!" Tom screamed.

"Tom you didn't turn me gay, you can't turn someone gay you ignorant moron. I was born this way and I can't change that. As for your Dad, well I'm sorry he did all that, but that is not my fault. Tom you really need to leave now," I said tiredly. This bullshit was exhausting me.

"No I'm not going anywhere Spencer. I'll show you, show all of you what kind of man I am!" Tom declared. A strange look crossed his face and I immediately started to panic. I had this sinking feeling in my gut that something really bad was about to happen.

"Tom get out now!" I screamed the fear obvious in my voice.

Tom laughed harshly, "You scared Spencer? Good, I like you scared." Tom took a step towards me and I backed up frantically until I felt my back come into contact with the wall. Tom just grinned and stepped closer so that I was pinned between him and the wall with no escape route.

I felt terror rise up in me as he leaned down to whisper in my ear, "I'll show you I'm a man. You might even thank me afterwards dyke."

I started to cry and scream for help which I knew wasn't coming. Tom smiled manically and leaned in to smother my cries with his mouth. His hands began roaming my body as he tore the towel off me and dropped it to the floor, "Thank you for making this easier for me Spencer, a towel is so much simpler than a bunch of clothing. Hey maybe you were waiting for me?"

He sounded completely crazy, deranged. His hands became rougher and more forceful as he pressed himself harder against me. I was beyond scared I couldn't believe this was happening to me, again. I fought hard against him, but he was just too strong. I felt his fingers move over my center roughly and then down to my inner thighs in an effort to pry my legs open, "Oh don't worry Spencer I won't be using my fingers. I'm going to give it to you like a man does, not the way your perverted little girlfriend would do it." Tom laughed and started undoing his pants.

I felt hot tears oozing from my eyes. I couldn't help but think that I really hoped he would kill me after he was done because I didn't think I could survive being raped for the second time. I felt Tom's excitement against my thigh and closed my eyes to try and block out what was about to happen to me.

Please God let him kill me when he's done, I screamed in my head. I felt Tom move against me and start to try and drag my legs further open. He moved his lips to my ear and muttered, "Who's a man now?"

I squeezed my eyes closed tighter in an effort to shut out what was happening and prayed that it would be quick. I let out one last scream of pain, humiliation and fear before Tom silenced me by slamming his lips down on mine, effectively cutting off my oxygen.

_Oh God, please let him kill me when he's finished._

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**Hmm, cliffhanger. I'll get the next chapter posted ASAP so you won't have to wait long to see what happens. So you all hated Tom before, who hates him even more now?**

**I want to apologise in advance, the next few chapters get a little rocky.**


	14. Aftermath

**Thank you to everyone who takes the time to review. I enjoy reading your thoughts on my writing.**

**There were some really strong reactions to the last chapter and I think you for sharing them with me.**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn, uluvme, drummergirl244 and LoveAsh87 – thanks for your reviews!**

**somthgIlike2do – Spencer assumed it was Ashley at the door which would be why she didn't think to ask who was there or put on more than a towel. Also who thinks clearly in a situation like that, hence why Spencer followed Tom to her bedroom.**

**WillowOn3 – Ah we're making deals now? Lol! Happy 2010 to you too! It's good to be back.**

**mutt009 – Yep Tom's part in the story isn't over yet. Trust me I hate the guy too, and I created him! Thank you so very much for your kind words. They really mean a lot. My mum is doing really well thanks.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – hmmm a semi huh? I might have to work that one in lol**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fourteen – Aftermath **

Ashley's POV

I arrived at Spencer's right on time to pick her up and take her to our band rehearsal at Julian's. With two shows the coming weekend and four new songs to get right we were practicing more than ever before. This had to go well if we wanted this band to have any shot at being successful.

I jumped out of the car with a huge smile in my face and practically skipped across the parking lot, I couldn't wait to see Spencer. I had been in this daze of happiness all night and I knew it was all down to her. I looked down at the lilies I had brought for her and began to climb up her stairs, feeling more and more excited with each step that brought me closer to the captivating blonde who I hadn't been able to stop thinking about since the moment I met her.

I had just reached the top step when I heard the horrific sound of Spencer screaming, which then became muffled. I felt fear spread through my body and my blood run cold as I raced to her front door, which was ajar. I had all these worst-case scenarios running through my head as I dropped my bag and the flowers before picking up the broom Spencer had left leaning against her wall. I made my way down the hallway as quickly and quietly as I could to her bedroom where the sight before me was worse than the ones in my head and made anger and terror rise up within me until I felt I was drowning in them.

Tom had a naked Spencer pressed up against the wall of her bedroom and was roughly kissing her as he tired to pry her legs open violently. I noticed then that his pants were undone and felt ill at the thought of what he was trying to do to my beautiful girl who had already suffered so much at the hands of people who were supposed to care about her.

"Tom get the fuck away from her now!" I screamed as tears of rage filled my eyes.

Spencer's eyes snapped open at the sound of my voice and locked on mine. Her eyes had always been so expressive and what I was reading in them in that moment broke my heart, she was so terrified. Her eyes were silently begging me to help her, to save her.

Tom glanced back at me and laughed, "Sorry dyke I got here first, she wants this. She needs a real man not some filthy deviant."

Tom laughed again and I saw red. I swung the broom as hard as I could so that it connected with the side of his head. Tom staggered back and loosened his grip on Spencer so that she was able to fight her way out of his arms and run to stand behind me. She was sobbing and trembling so much as she wrapped herself up in the towel that was lying on her bed that I really thought she was going to pass out.

Tom righted himself and took a step towards me and ugly sneer on his face, "Well aren't you the interfering dyke then. You really should learn to mind your own business Ashley."

"Spencer is my business you prick and if you ever touch her or come near her again I will fucking end you, do you understand me?" I snarled, clutching the broom in my hands so hard my knuckles were completely white and I was a little worried they might puncture my skin.

Tom laughed, "Yeah ok little girl, I'm terrified."

I swung the broom again and caught him right across the face, hard. Tom staggered and fell to the floor as blood began pouring from his nose and his split lip. My right foot shot out then and caught him in the stomach. I kicked him a few more times until he was gasping and wheezing as he begged me to stop. "Tom you'd better listen to me very carefully because I will not warn you again, get the fuck out of here and never come near Spencer or me again. Are you understanding me this time?" I sneered down at him.

Tom glared hatefully at both of us and climbed to his feet with some difficulty, "Fine I get it. I'll leave you two to your perversion for now but just wait Ashley, Spencer will come to her senses and realize that a life of sin with you is not what she wants and then she'll come crawling back to me and if she's lucky I just might take her back, once she earns it." I swung the broom again and caught him on his left cheek making him cry out. Tom spun on his heel and stumbled from the room, clutching his bloody nose and busted cheek.

Once I heard the front door slam shut and I was sure he had gone I turned to find Spencer huddled on the floor next to her bed, her knees brought up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. I knelt down beside her and went to hold her only to have her flinch away.

"Spencer are you hurt?" I asked softly, she shook her head and refused to meet my eyes, "Ok I'll go call the police." I went to get to my feet only to have her grab my hand and jerk me back roughly to stop me.

"No, no police," She muttered, dropping my hand as though it burned her.

"Are you fucking kidding me Spencer? That fucking prick just tried to rape you and you seriously expect me to not get the police involved? How can you expect me to watch someone try to hurt you and then do nothing?" I asked in disbelief. I saw Spencer visibly flinch at the word 'rape' and it just made my hatred of all the people who had hurt my girl so much stronger.

"I don't want anyone else knowing what happened here. I just want to forget about it. Now we have rehearsal in half an hour so I'll go get ready." Before I could say anything Spencer was on her feet, wrapping the towel tightly over her body and racing into her bathroom. After a minute I heard the water running in her shower. The sound of the falling water almost covered the sound of her broken sobbing.

I sat on the edge of her bed and put my head in my hands. I felt sick. The anger and pain inside me was making me feel physically sick. I was still sitting there when Spencer walked out dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, her exposed skin was red and irritated looking, my guess was that she had showered under almost boiling hot water. Her long blonde hair, still wet, was wrapped up in a messy bun at the base of her neck and she had on no makeup, you could tell she just didn't care.

"We'd better go, don't want to be late for practice," she mumbled, making sure to avoid all physical contact with me.

"Spencer I think they'll understand if you want to skip practice after what just happened," I said with concern as I looked into her expressionless face.

"I just want to forget about it ok? I can't deal with this, with what he did so don't mention it again Ashley!" Spencer snapped at me. I just nodded, I didn't know what else to do.

Spencer kicked on a pair of black flip-flops and went into the music room to grab her Fender Bass. I followed behind her, unsure of what to do or say. I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her safely against me, what stopped me was knowing that she would not allow it. Not the way she was feeling.

Spencer wandered into the living room and went to pick up her bag, pausing when she saw the bunch of lilies I had abandoned in my rush to get to her. She picked them up and a small half smile flittered across her face before it disappeared and was replaced by an expression I just couldn't decipher. She turned to me and said softly, "They're beautiful thank you."

"You're welcome, I uh got them to thank you for last night," I murmured. Spencer tensed up and walked into the kitchen to put the flowers in water. Once they were placed on the counter she picked up her bass and purse before leading the way to the door.

I didn't know what else to do so I followed behind her.

Spencer's POV

I had to clench my hands firmly around the case containing my bass guitar as I made my way down the stairs to the car park to stop my hands from trembling. I was taking deep breaths and blinking frequently to hold the tears at bay. I had to pull it together, I could not let Tom affect my life again. There would be time to break down later, but I couldn't yet.

I could hear Ashley following behind me and had to fight the urge to turn back and look at her. I knew that would be my downfall and that looking at her would make me lose the tiny shred of control I currently had.

When she had burst in while Tom was trying to…trying to um force himself on me, I don't think I have ever been happier to see someone in my entire life. I was standing there praying that he would be kind enough to kill me once he was done violating my body and then in came Ashley, my white knight, and I felt hope that she would save me.

Well she did, but I guess the damage was already done. As soon as he was gone and she went to touch me I freaked out. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone putting their hands on me, even Ashley. I hated that pain that flitted across her face when I pulled away from her touch, I never wanted to cause her any pain and yet that's all I seemed to do to that poor woman.

Then she wanted to go call the police, I couldn't deal with that. Not after what it had been like last time, there was no way in hell I was going through that again. I reached out to stop her and when my hand connected with hers I felt physically sick. I could not tolerate contact with anyone.

I had to get out of there so I ran to have a shower. I let the water run until it was so hot I could hardly stand it. Once I was under the relentless, punishing stream of hot water I let myself cry. I cried hard and brokenly for all that had happened. I cried in pain, fear and anger. I had so many emotions swimming through me that I was uncertain of exactly what I was really feeling.

All I knew was that I didn't want to think about what Tom had done to me. I wanted to forget it and lose myself in the one thing that had always comforted me, the one thing that never let me down, music. Ashley tried to convince me that I should skip band practice, but what she didn't see was that music was pretty much all that was going to hold me together at that point in time. I needed to get lost in the music and lyrics. Only that could get me through.

As we were walking out of my apartment I noticed this gorgeous bunch of lilies that Ashley had dropped. I had mentioned to her one time that they were my favourite and she had remember. I was touched, it was the first time since Kate that someone had actually done something like that for me.

Almost as quickly as I felt happiness at her gesture, I began to feel fear. I cared about this woman so much but after what had just happened how could I let this thing between us continue? I felt too broken, to tainted to deserve a woman as wonderful, kind and beautiful as Ashley. She deserved so much more than me and my baggage.

We climbed into Ashley's car and for once the silence between us was awkward. I hated it but I couldn't bring myself to break it. I turned my head and stared out the window the whole way to Julian's house. I could feel her eyes on me so much I was getting concerned we were going to end up in a car wreck. I was relived when we got to Julian's in one piece.

"Ashley what happened this morning is between you and I and I don't want you telling anyone else. You got it?" I asked rather harshly.

Ashley looked so sad that it nearly broke my heart and probably would have if I wasn't starting to let myself become numb. It was a defense mechanism I'd picked up while dating Carmen. If I let myself feel numb things were easier to cope with. I could survive a long time on numb.

"Yeah ok Spencer if that's what you want," She murmured, her voice thick with emotion. I just nodded and jumped out of her car. I grabbed my bass from the back seat and was already walking into Julian's house by the time Ashley was getting her guitar.

I wandered in and fixed a fake smile on my face, "Hey guys!" I called, almost wincing at the false cheeriness in my voice.

Julian jumped up from his seat and went to pull me into a hug, I panicked and was thankfully saved by Ashley coming in behind me and shoving Julian out of the way, "Sorry Jules no time for hugs, we got work to do!" Julian laughed, rolled his eyes and went to pick up his guitar.

"Yeah whatever Ashley, we'd have gotten started earlier if you and the blonde goddess herself had been on time," Julian quipped.

Ashley went to defend me, only to have me cut her off, "Yeah sorry Jules I had a slow start to the morning and Ash had to wait for me to get ready so it's my bad," I mumbled.

Julian looked at me curiously, you could seem the wheels turning in his head. He could so tell that something wasn't right with me, but he knew me well enough not to confront me with it. I guess there are benefits to having a history with people. "That's ok Spence, no problem. Let's get started then, I was thinking that we would work on the new songs first, run through them a few times before we move onto our other stuff, that cool?"

There was assent from everyone as we began setting up our instruments. I felt Ashley's eyes following my every move and it was starting to get to me. If she was waiting for me to break then she was going to be disappointed, I wasn't going to break. Not this time, well not in front of people anyway.

I slipped the strap of my bass over my shoulder and flicked on the amp before playing a few notes to check that the bass was in tune, of course it was, my bass is like my child and is always in tune. Jen was playing the scales on her keyboard, while Grey tapped out a funky little rhythm on the drums. Julian was tuning his guitar while singing the scales to warm up his voice. I looked over at Ashley and our eyes met for the first time since that morning in my bedroom.

She looked so sad, but also so angry. I guess I just looked emotionless, because that's how I was starting to feel. I turned away from her and began to play the bass from Blink 182's song Carousel, that song always got me well warmed up to play. I heard Ashley begin to strum her guitar, a sad melody filled with despair, I tried in vain to tune out the haunting sound of her guitar.

"Ok freaks and geeks let's get this underway. Spence do you want to do Breakeven first?" Julian asked as he took his place behind a microphone.

I swallowed nervously, this was going to be hard, tapping into the emotions I needed to play these songs was going to pull the scab of numbness off my gaping wound of emotional turmoil. I forced a smile onto my face and nodded.

Grey counted us in with his drumsticks and we began to play. It was a struggle but I made it through the song. As I sang the last line, "Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven," I glanced over at Ashley. Her eyes were already on me and the way she was looking at me made me feel emotionally naked, as though she could see straight into my soul. It was a bit much for me in that moment so I tore my eyes away and looked at Julian, "I think we got that one down guys, I like the way it sounds."

Julian grinned and glanced around at the others, "Yeah I love how it sounds and Spencer the emotion you put behind it today was so real, it was incredible."

I faked yet another smile, "Thanks. No why don't we move onto The Resolution?" Everyone nodded and we took our places ready to play. We ran through the song once and then a second time, Julian was feeling the pressure to get it right seeing as he was singing a song I had written about such a huge part of my life.

After The Resolution we got ready to perform Leaving, a duet between Ashley and I. this one I knew I was going to struggle with. This song had been written about Tom specifically and I knew it was going to hit some really raw nerves. We began playing the introduction and I tried to get lost in the song. For the first time in my life I wasn't able to. This time music wasn't soothing me, rather it was like a hot poker sticking me in an already open wound.

I struggled through the song and by the end of it I could see Julian looking pretty frustrated. "Spence, what happened there? You were all over the place," He said while Jen and Grey nodded in agreement. Ashley took a step closer to me, she knew what was wrong.

"Uh it was nothing Julian, I just need to work on it. Can we take five and then give it another go?" I asked apologetically. Julian nodded so I took off my bass and practically ran outside. As soon as I felt the fresh air on my face I began gasping, trying to hold back the sobs that were building in my chest. I heard footsteps behind me and didn't need to turn around to know who was there.

"What do you want Ashley?" I asked tiredly, keeping my back to the brunette.

Ashley walked up beside me, keeping a good foot of space between us, "I just wanted to see if you're ok Spence."

I laughed sarcastically, "Yeah I'm great, can't you tell?"

Ashley shook her head, "Drop the sarcasm Spence, you don't need to be like that with me," She paused and then said tentatively, "I really think we should go to the police, or at least tell people what went down. Tom shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he's done."

I turned to face her and snarled, "I thought I told you not to mention what happened again. I do not want to talk about it, not with the police, not with my family, not with my friends and certainly not with you."

I think my level of anger shocked us both.

"Spencer I can't just pretend that what happened this morning didn't happen. I can't just let you suffer like this…"

I cut her off, "Like what Ashley? Do you have any idea what I'm feeling right now? No you don't, you can't so just drop it."

"No Spencer I won't just drop it! I care about you and I can see that you're hurting. I won't let you push me away, not when you need me," Ashley said, starting to get a little angry. She took a step towards me, making me take a hurried step back. "Spencer don't pull away from me, please," She said softly.

I shook my head, tears filling my eyes, "I can't do this Ashley, I just can't. We have to get back." I ignored the pain in her mocha eyes and left her standing on the lawn as I wandered back in. I saw her slip in a moment later with tears on her cheeks that she was trying so hard to hide. I hated myself for hurting her, but I didn't know any other way to cope with what had happened.

The rest of the practice went well. We ran through all the songs we would be performing over the weekend and they were sounding great. At least this was one area of my life where I wasn't a total fuck up.

I was dreading the end of practice because I knew I'd have to get in a car with Ashley and I had a feeling that was going to be pretty fucking awkward. We rehearsed for hours, thank God I only worked like three days a week at that point in time, and then Julian practically kicked us out so he could get to work. I said goodbye to the others and walked out with Ashley.

Once we were alone I turned to her and mumbled, "If you want I'll call Glen to come and get me."

Ashley scoffed, "Don't be ridiculous Spencer, get in the car and I'll get you home." She sounded tired, as if the morning had taken all she had to give. I kept thinking that if she hadn't gotten involved in my fucked up life then she wouldn't be feeling so shitty. I wouldn't blame the girl if she regretted ever meeting me.

I stowed my bass in the backseat next to her guitar and slid into the passenger seat as Ashley held the door open for me, always the gentlewoman. Once I was safely in Ashley went around the car and got in the driver's side. She sat still for a moment, staring through the windscreen in front of her with her hand clutching the steering wheel hard.

I had a feeling she had something she needed to say so I sat silently and waited. "Spencer, I have no way of beginning to understand what you are feeling right now. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling, but what I do know is that I care about you and I want to help you. I don't want you to withdraw into yourself and push me away. I care about you so much and it's killing me that you are pulling away from me," Ashley turned to face me before she continued, "Look I get that you're hurting, angry and scared right now but please don't push me away. If you don't want to report it to the police then that's your choice to make and I won't force you, but I think you do need to talk to someone about what happened. It doesn't have to be me, but you are going to need someone to help you through this."

I raised my eyes to meet hers and swallowed around the golf ball sized lump in my throat. Ashley was too god for me, she deserved so much more than I was capable of giving her, which really wasn't much. I didn't know what to say to her so I just mumbled, "I'll think about what you said."

Ashley smiled sadly, her expression clearly telling me that she knew I was just fobbing her off. She reached over and took my hand in hers, I allowed the contact for about ten seconds before I yanked my hand out of her grasp. "Spencer no matter how much you push me away I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you no matter how hard you try to get me to leave, I'm not going anywhere Spence. I'm never going to stop trying Blue."

I turned to stare in front of me, "Can you please take me home Ashley," I muttered. She sighed sadly and started the car. The drive back to my place was filled once again with an awkward silence, which I detested. I knew that all I needed to do was let her in a little bit and then things would be ok between us, problem was I just couldn't do that.

We arrived at my place and I jumped out before she'd even shut off the car, "Don't worry about getting out. Thanks for the ride Ashley." I mumbled grabbing my bass and making a run for the door.

Ashley jumped out and chased after me, "Spencer wait a second! Do you think it's a good idea for you to be alone after what happened?"

"Yeah, I think being alone is exactly what I need," I said emotionlessly as I slammed the door and locked it. I ignored her knocks on the door and her begging me to open it. I just had to be alone.

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For five days I was able to dodge her, only seeing Ashley at band practice and even then making sure I stayed with the others so she couldn't get me alone. I ignored her calls and didn't respond to her texts or emails. I missed her but I felt like I needed sometime to think and with her around things felt more confused.

On the sixth day since Tom's attempted rape she followed me home from band practice. I knew this would happen eventually, Ashley Davies was not a woman to be ignored for long. I climbed out of my car and hurried up my stairs.

"Spencer how long are you going to dodge me and push me away?" She called as she got out of her car and followed me inside.

I ignored her and continued up the stairs to my front door. Ashley raced after me and was able to get her foot in my door before I could close it on her, "Sorry Spencer I'm not leaving. You can ignore me the whole time I'm here, like you have been, but I am not going to leave you on your own after what you've been through this week, no way in hell."

I rolled my eyes and opened the door to let her in. Once she was inside I slammed the front door shut hard, making her jump. I dropped my bag on the counter and went to the music room to put away my bass. Once my bass was safely back where it belonged I took a seat in my well-worn armchair and stared out the window. I heard a sound in the door to the music room and turned so that I could see Ashley in my peripheral vision as she wandered in and took a seat on the piano stool.

I turned back to the window and just stared as I hugged my knees to my chest. I must have sat there for hours because the next thing I knew I was been coaxed from sleep by the aroma of garlic and pasta cooking in my kitchen. I looked around the now dark music room and slowly got to my feet. I straightened my baggy white t-shirt and wandered down the hall to my kitchen where I found Ashley hovering over the stove as she cooked.

She must have felt my eyes on her because she looked up and gave me a sweet smile, "Hey sleepy head, how are you feeling?"

I just shrugged and took a seat at one of the stools at my counter. "Sorry I didn't wake you earlier but you looked so peaceful I just couldn't. I hope you don't mind but I cooked us some dinner seeing as you slept through lunch and knowing you I'm pretty sure you didn't have breakfast," Ashley said in a soft voice.

I just shrugged again and started fiddling with a pen on my counter. "Ok so you don't want to talk, that's ok but will you at least eat something?" Ashley asked.

I nodded slightly, well aware that I was behaving like a child, but unable to snap myself out of it. Ashley smiled kindly and began serving the pasta into bowls. Once that was done she placed a huge serve in front of me and handed me some cutlery careful to not brush my fingers with hers, which I was grateful for. She then got some garlic bread out of the oven and poured us each a glass of red wine, which I so needed.

When the food was served Ashley took a seat beside me at the counter and began eating her food. A part of me wanted to be stubborn and not touch the food in front of me but I was too damn hungry to care too much about my stubborn pride so I dug in. It was delicious, Ashley Davies is an excellent cook.

We ate in silence, but it wasn't as awkward as the one we had shared in the car on the day that Tom had attacked me. I had finished my food and was sipping my wine when I felt her eyes on me. I got up from the stool and wandered over to the sofa. I lowered myself into the soft leather and looked over at where she was still sitting at the counter, "Why are you still here Ash? Why haven't you left? Why the hell are you putting up with this shit?" I mumbled.

Ashley grabbed her wine glass and got to her feet. She strode over to the sofa and sat down beside me. "Are you seriously asking me those questions? Do you really not know why I'm still here?" She asked me sadly.

"Yeah I am. Why the hell are you hanging around Ashley? Tom was the last straw, I'm broken. Completely fucking broken and you deserve more than someone who is a shell of who she used to be," I murmured as tears filled my eyes.

"Why don't you let me decide what I deserve," She answered almost angrily.

I shook my head and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill down my face, "Because I care about you too much to drag you down with me. Ashley I am not capable of being what you need or want me to be. You asked me not to push you away, but honey that is all I am capable of right now. You deserve to have someone who can give you all of them, not someone who can only give you half of what you deserve coupled with more baggage than you should ever have to deal with."

I got to my feet and headed into the kitchen where I grabbed the bottle of wine and filled my glass before drinking it down in one go. I filled the glass up again and leaned against the counter as Ashley got to her feet and walked towards me. "Spencer I know you are going through hell right now after what happened with Tom, but please don't throw us away," She begged me.

I laughed harshly, "Ashley there is barely an us to begin with! Hell we only went out on one date."

Ashley looked as though I'd punched her in the gut. I hated myself in that moment. I finished my glass of wine and emptied the remainder of the bottle down my throat before grabbing a beer out of my fridge, yeah I was on a mission to get wasted. Ashley shook her head and stepped closer to me, "Barely an us huh? Ok then Spencer, can you honestly tell me that you don't love me? Can you tell me that there isn't something real between us? Say the words and I'm gone."

I ran her words over in my alcohol addled mind and opened my mouth to reply…

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**Ok so how many of you are a bit mad at me right now? Come on be honest! Let's see a show of hands?**

**This story has kind of taken on a life of its own and is getting rockier than I ever intended.**


	15. Not Coming Back From This

**Wow you guys thanks for the many reviews! **

**I see many of you raised your hands, I'm sorry but I kinda like that I got some strong reactions outta you.**

**aemcd – Thanks, I thought Tom needed a smack down. Obsessed with this story huh? That makes me smile**

**WillowOn3 – Sorry for the cliffhanger lol I am mean. Yep Ashley to the rescue, even I'm not cruel enough to let Spencer get raped twice. Oh no deals off huh? Hmm next chapter is here my friend, deal back on?**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Glad your not mad and here is the next chapter, I don't know if it'll ease your anxiety though. **

**Gamil – Sorry for the cliffhangers, I guess I'm just mean like that**

**uluvme – I sat there thinking 'what can Ashley beat Tom with' and broom is what came to mind lol**

**ashleylphl – Wow that's dedication, glad you're liking the story and thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot that you would sign up just to be able to review, Thanks.**

**somthgIlike2do – Yeah I did warn about the impending rockiness, I'm glad you liked the update and hope you like the next one.**

**9110 – Thanks for your review, means a lot. **

**Palexobsessed – Yep you called it, Ashley to the rescue. Spencer has a journey to go through now. I try to tell the story in a way that allows people to see both sides. Thanks for the review**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Oops sorry, Spencer has a lot of issues she needs to work through, but in time she'll get there**

**mutt009 – Thanks once again for your awesome review ad kind words. Yep Spencer had hit rock bottom and you know what they say, no where to go but up! Sorry for the cliffhanger, I'm a tease like that.**

**DarceLynn, LoveAh87, grangergirl22, lilce1992, nightwish fan, Becci2009, sonfan92 and drummergirl244 – Thanks for reviewing, means so much!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifteen – Not Coming Back From This**

_I laughed harshly, "Ashley there is barely an us to begin with! Hell we only went out on one date."_

_Ashley looked as though I'd punched her in the gut. I finished my glass of wine and emptied the remainder of the bottle down my throat before grabbing a beer out of my fridge, yeah I was on a mission to get wasted. Ashley shook her head and stepped closer to me, "Barely an us huh? Ok then Spencer, can you honestly tell me that you don't love me? Can you tell me that there isn't something real between us? Say the words and I'm gone."_

_I ran her words over in my alcohol addled mind and opened my mouth to reply…_

Ashley's POV

"I…I can't tell you that. I can't say I don't love you. I would never lie to you Ashley. I do love you, so much, but I have learnt after everything that has happened that love just isn't enough, no matter how much we wish it could be. I learnt that the hard way with Kate and Carmen. Right now I can't be what you want or need," Spencer stammered. Her words were slightly slurred, the alcohol she had been practically inhaling starting to have effect.

I held back a groan of frustration. Couldn't this woman see how fucking amazing she was? Couldn't she see how much I loved her? I know she had been through a lot but that just made her even more incredible to me. I locked my eyes on her slightly unfocused ocean blue ones and said with some frustration, "Don't you think I should get to decide who I want and need? Spencer, Baby it's you. All that I want and need I can find here in you. Look you have had a horrible week so let's not talk about all this now, just know that I am never giving up on you Spencer Carlin, no matter how hard you try to push me away. I'm not going anywhere."

Spencer sighed and shook her head before staggering around the counter to fling herself on the sofa, rather gracefully for someone so drunk. I grabbed a glass of water and took it over to her. I perched on her coffee table and looked down at her. Even in a drunken haze Spencer was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, I just wish she realized how incredible she was.

"Ashley you should just go," She slurred as she slumped back on the sofa cushions.

"Sorry Blue that is never gonna happen, I'm not going anywhere. You need me Spencer, even if you won't admit it," I said tenderly.

Spencer suddenly leaned up and rested her hand on my knee. She fixed me with the most heart-breaking look and murmured, "Ashley why did Tom and Carmen want to hurt me like that? It must have been something in me or something I did if both of them wanted to do that to me right? I must be such a horrible person if they wanted to do that to me, if I deserved what they did."

I felt tears instantly fill my eyes, "Oh Baby no, it was nothing you did and nothing about you that made them behave so terribly. You did not deserve what they did to you, no one ever deserves that. Blue, Carmen and Tom are two awful, weak people who feel better about themselves when they make other people feel small and powerless. Please don't think that you are responsible in any way for what they did to you because you're not."

Spencer sat up a little and looked deep into my eyes, "You would never do that to me would you Ash? You would never hurt me."

I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze, "You know I wouldn't Blue. I would give everything I have to take away your pain and would never ever hurt you." It broke my heart a bit that she even had to ask me that. I hated everyone that had made this wonderful woman so afraid and so distrustful. Spencer deserved so much more than what the world had thrown at her.

I felt Spencer's hand go limp in mine and glanced over to find her asleep or passed out, it was a toss up really. I stood up and pulled the throw rug off the back of the sofa to cover her. I smoothed the blanked over her body and gently brushed some hair off her face. In sleep she looked peaceful, I hoped she had some beautiful dreams to give her some respite from the harshness of reality.

I picked up the glasses and dishes, loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. I wandered down the hall to her music room. This room was my favourite in her apartment. It was so Spencer. Just being in there made me feel close to her. She had told me once that it was her sanctuary.

I ran my hands carefully over the instruments as I walked around the room. I stopped at her violin and carefully picked it up. This instrument was so very like the woman who had mastered it. Like Spencer, the violin was beautiful, captivating and could be haunting. It was strong but had a gentleness to it. The violin, like Spencer, could take you to soaring heights. It was an elegant instrument with class and grace. Spencer's choice of violin was rather perfect.

I laid the violin back in its place carefully, that thing was worth more than all my instruments combines, and walked over to her sheet music. She had such a wonderfully contradictory collection of music ranging from Mozart and Bach to Jimmy Eat World, Ella Fitzgerald and Metallica. Spencer's music taste was certainly eclectic.

I went over to her piano to see what she had been playing most recently, there was only a blank sheet. I sat down on the piano stool and looked at the music posters on the wall as I thought about the woman sleeping in the next room. She had truly been through more in her life than I could even begin to imagine. I had always thought that I had been through a lot of shit, but I had nothing on Spencer. She wasn't wrong when she said she had baggage, but that didn't matter to me. Everything about her just made me love her even more.

I wasn't lying when I told her I would never give up on her, the thought of walking away from the blonde was inconceivable to me. It had taken me this long to find the love of my life, my soulmate and I wasn't giving her up without a hell of a fight. There was no way I could live with myself if I walked away without doing everything in my power to be there for her, to make this thing between us work.

After sitting at the piano in deep thought for a while I headed back into her living room to check on Spencer. She was curled up on the sofa in a deep sleep. I was glad to see her resting, the day, not to mention the week, had certainly taken one hell of a toll on her.

I kicked off my shoes and lay down on the other sofa, pulling a throw rug down over me. I lay there watching my beautiful blonde until I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I was awoken the next morning by the sound of retching. I got to my feet and followed the sound to the bathroom, where I found Spencer hunched over the toilet reaping the benefits of her alcohol binge the night before. I stepped up behind her and pulled her silky blonde hair back from her face. She stiffened at my touch but allowed it.

I grabbed a band off her sink and put her hair into a messy ponytail as she began retching again. By this stage she was really just dry heaving, having already brought up everything that had been in her stomach. I put my hand on her back and tried to ignore the way she tensed up under my fingers, "Are you alright Spencer?"

She grunted something unintelligible and continued to retch. After a few minutes she struggled to her feet, ignoring my offered hand. She flushed the toilet and rinsed out her mouth before turning to face me. "What are you still doing here Ashley?"

"I told you last night that I wasn't leaving and I meant it Blue, I just want to be here for you," I answered looking into her eyes, which she refused to fix on me.

"Well I have to go to work," She said somewhat coldly. It was a tone I really hadn't heard from her before and it immediately scared me.

"Um ok, well I could drive you to work and then pick you up to take you to band rehearsal later on if you like?" I asked tentatively.

Spencer shook her head and brushed past me as she walked out into the hall way, "Um no I'll drive myself and just see you at band practice later. I'd better go get ready so I'm not late for work." Spencer walked down the hall and was about to enter her room.

"Spencer, I promised you that I wouldn't give up on you and I won't. I'll wait for as long as you need. I won't walk away from you," I called.

Spencer kept her back to me and sighed sadly, "Well I think you might be waiting in vain then Ashley." She walked through her bedroom door and shut it softly behind her.

I wandered into the living room and sat heavily down on the sofa. I had no fucking clue what to do next. All I knew was that I was losing her before I'd even really had the chance to have her.

Spencer's POV

I had a quick shower and began getting dressed. I felt awful about how I was treating Ashley, but I honestly felt that I was being fair to her by pushing her away, she deserved so much more than me and what little I was capable of giving her.

I was a shadow of who I used to be, Tom had seen to that. Ashley deserved all of me, which I just couldn't give her right now. I dressed in my standard work type clothes, tailored pants and a nice top. On this day the pants were black and the top was a fitted midnight blue sleeveless polo top. I slid on a pair of black peep-toe flats and ran a brush through my hair before I clipped it half back in a barrette.

I put on light make-up, mostly to cover the deep, dark circles underneath my eyes, and then picked up my jacket. After one last look in the mirror I wandered out of my room, really hoping that Ashley would be gone but knowing that she wouldn't be.

I saw her sitting on my sofa with her head in her hands and had to harden my heart to stop myself rushing to her. I couldn't be selfish, I had to think of what was best for her and that was definitely not being with me.

I went into the kitchen and made some coffee before pouring it into my travel mug and also a cup for Ashley, I was always brought up to have manners. I placed the cup in front of her on the coffee table. "Thanks Spence," She murmured looking down at the cup.

I nodded stiffly and walked over to my bag. I threw in my phone and scooped up my car keys. "Um I have to go, just shut the door after you, it locks automatically. I guess I'll see you at practice later." I went to walk out the door only to be halted by a distressed cry.

"Is that seriously how you're going to leave things between us Spencer?" Ashley asked in a broken voice.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, "I don't know what you expect me to say Ashley. I think I said everything I needed to say last night and this morning. I care about you but we can't do this. We can't be together. Not now."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell not? I know you have been through hell, not just this week but for years, but Baby that is no reason to walk away from what could be a really good thing. I don't want to push you or rush you and we can take this as slowly as you need to," Ashley cried out.

"It's no good Ashley, I can't do this. You deserve so much more than me." I muttered trying to hold back tears.

Ashley angrily cut me off, "Stop telling me what I deserve! I'm the one who gets to decide that, not you! Spencer I love you, I am in love with you. You are the one I love, the one I want and the one I need. Please don't give up on us."

"Ashley I am completely broken, this shit with Tom was the last fucking straw and now I don't think I am coming back from this. I merely existed for so fucking long after Carmen and then I had a few days of living, of actually feeling alive, with you only to have it all torn away by Tom and now existing is about all I can deal with. Ashley I am not capable of being with you, or anyone. I have nothing left to give," I began to cry, hot tears cascading down my cheeks.

As soon as my tears fell Ashley's followed suit, "Spencer you can get past this, I can help you if you'll let me. Please don't walk away from us," Ashley begged.

I walked up to her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead as tears ran down both our faces, "I have to Ashley. I'm sorry." With that I turned on my heel and ran from the room. I clattered down the stairs and threw myself in my car. I rested my head on my steering wheel and sobbed.

I sat there for about fifteen minutes before I was able to collect myself enough to drive to work. This was going to be a long day.

Ashley's POV

As soon as her lips hit my forehead I knew it was goodbye. I felt it in her touch. I barely heard her muttered words before she bolted from her apartment crying so hard I half expected to hear her tumble down the stairs. I felt numb, like my body was shutting down to protect me from the unbearable pain that was waiting for me.

I sank down onto her sofa and sat so still I must have looked like a statue. Part of me wanted to be angry at Spencer, but I couldn't. She was what other people had made her. Spencer's insecurities ran deeper than I had ever thought. She was a product of what other people had done to her.

I forced myself to my feet after about ten minutes of just sitting staring into space as the numbness seeped into my bones and through my veins. I welcomed it, because I knew the waiting pain was going to probably render me incapacitated.

I walked to her bench and scribbled her a quick note. Leaving it where I knew she would find it I picked up my bag and looked around her living room, a place where I had felt so many emotions from joy to sadness to heartbreak.

I dragged myself slowly out of her apartment and trudged down the stairs. I arrived at the bottom just in time to see Spencer speed off, it looked as though she was crying. I hated that she was hurting, I loved her and what had just happened between us wasn't going to change that, I really doubt that anything could.

I knew that what Spencer had just done was her way of protecting me from her and her issues. She thought so little of herself that she thought I deserved more than a life with her. On that we disagree. Fuck what I deserved, all I wanted and needed was Spencer.

I slid into my car and took a few deep breaths before I turned the key in the ignition and began driving home. As I opened my front door the numbness began to slip away and the pain began to seep in. I let out a strangled cry as I staggered my way over to my black leather sofa, which was not nearly as comfortable as Spencer's plush brown ones.

I lay down and that's when the tears fell hard and fast. I balled my hands up into fists and buried my face in my throw pillows to muffle the screaming sobs that tore violently through my body. My entire body was convulsing as I cried. I wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to hold myself together, it so didn't work.

I lay there until the stress of the last twenty-four hours caught up with me and I drifted off to sleep. I only hoped that maybe the world would look a bit better when I woke up.

I must have slept for a damn long time because when I woke up it was getting close to time to head to band rehearsal. I was seriously considering not going, I didn't think I was ready to face Spencer and I knew I wasn't ready to have the rest of the band know that Spencer and I was over before it had even begun.

But I knew I couldn't let the band down, I owed them more than that. Plus music was one of the few things that would be able to soothe me and ease my pain, even if it was just for a moment. That was something Spencer and I had in common so I knew she would be at rehearsal.

I got into the shower and tried to keep the tears at bay, it didn't work. I let my tears mingle with the water running down my body, telling myself that once I got out the tears would have to stop until after practice when I was alone again.

I climbed out of the shower and wrapped a huge towel around myself. I grabbed any random clothes to throw on, I so didn't give a shit how I looked which had to be a first for me.

Once I was dried and dressed in a short jean shirt, a black tank top and an old pair of red Converses that I hadn't worn in years, I headed out to my living room. I grabbed my bag, slipped a pair of sunglasses on and scooped up my guitar case. I surveyed the room to see if I'd forgotten anything, satisfied I let myself out and headed down to my car.

I chucked my guitar in the tiny backseat of the Porsche and climbed in. It was then that it hit me, a realization that I couldn't believe took me hours to come to. I wasn't giving up on Spencer. Just because she said we couldn't be together didn't mean I had to agree. I loved her and that meant something, something huge. I knew she loved me back and was just scared, confused and hurting. I wasn't going to walk away.

I would give her some space, but she had me whether she like it or not. I loved her too much to let her destroy us with her insecurities. I would be there for her, even just as friend if that's all she could give me right now. But I wasn't going anywhere.

Call me crazy, call me a glutton for punishment and maybe I am, but I just couldn't give up on her. If I gave up on her I would be giving up on a part of me and I wasn't ready to do that.

_This isn't over Spencer, I'm never going to stop trying._

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**Thanks for all the reviews, I love reading your thoughts, even when you're mad at me!**


	16. You Let Him Win

**Thank you once again to all who reviewed. **

**There were a lot of strong, beautiful responses and I am so grateful to everyone who takes the time to not only read my writing but to also write a response to it. I am overwhelmed by the response to this story.**

**uluvme - it's a messed up situation and I think that deep down Spencer knows that Ashley will never give up on her.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Thanks Rock Star, that means a lot**

**nightwish fan, LoveAsh87 & ashleylphl - Thank you so much!**

**Life-Live-Learn-Love - That's it, as long as Ashley keeps fighting there is hope**

**mutt009 - sorry for the heartbreak. Ashley will not be giving up. I'll admit I had contemplated having Spencer say something really unforgivable to push Ashley away at the beginning of chapter 15 but it didn't feel true to the character**

**dfyant1 - Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience with me. I don't personally think that Spencer is written as weak or inept. I think she is just struggling to cope, which I don't see as a weakness. I appreciate you giving the story a chance, despite what it brings up. I hope you like the next few updates**

**WillowOn3 - Oh honey, sorry I made you cry, although I take it as a compliment. I think Spencer may have been doing the kite thing, but it was never intentional. Aw deal off still?? Ok, ok next we'll have a bit more drama, then the gig at Pella with something happening afterwards (not a Spashley thing I'm sorry to say). Ok there you have it hints right up to chapter 18 lol**

**Ethiogirl - Doesn't sound cheesy at all, it makes me smile. I agree I think Ashley is a hero without trying to be. She is doing it all for love. For her, sticking by Spencer isn't a choice. She loves her and couldn't walk away.**

**somthgIlike2do - Ashley is strong and you're right she's gonna need to be. Tom and his Dad definitely are not out of the story yet.**

**DontMindBnCrazy - Happy New Year to you too and thanks, my Mum is doing really well. You're right it certainly can't always be sunshine and rainbows. Thank you so much for your awesome review!**

**Palexobsessed - Thanks for you wonderful review, it truly means so much. I take your tears as a compliment and man I am proud of Ashley too. I wanted people to feel the struggles of both so that neither is tarred as the bad guy.**

**drummergirl244 - We'll see what happens**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Sixteen – You Let Him Win**

Spencer's POV

Time for band rehearsal and I was shitting myself at the thought of coming face to face with Ashley after what had happened between us that morning. I had felt sick all day and had thought about her constantly, with some lovely thoughts of Tom and what had happened thrown in to make sure that I was utterly useless at work that day, just like I had been all week to be frank.

It had gotten so bad that I had actually tried to play a violin upside down, the student I was tutoring found that one hilarious and had I been in a better mood I might have agreed with him. Instead I screamed at him and then stormed out, it was a diva moment I'll admit. Yeah LACA is so lucky to have me on their payroll!

I headed home quickly after work to change and grab my bass, I almost expected Ashley to still be there. The selfish part of me wanted to find her there refusing to accept the shit I'd thrown at her that morning. The selfish part of me wanted her there waiting to fight for us. It was that part of myself that burst into tears the moment I opened my door and found myself alone in my apartment.

The logical, rational part of me knew that it was for the best, that now Ashley could find someone else who could be everything she deserved, someone who could give back all that Ashley would bestow. I will admit I felt physically sick at the thought of her dating anyone else, but I had to let her go, I loved her enough to let her go.

As I was walking past my kitchen counter I noticed a piece of paper with my name written on it in an all too familiar hand. With trembling hands I lifted the paper and unfolded it.

_Spencer,_

_I'm not the one who broke you  
I'm not the one you should fear  
We got to move you darlin  
I thought I lost you somewhere  
But you were never really ever there at all_

And I want to get free  
Talk to me  
I can feel you falling  
And I wanted to be  
All you need  
Somehow here is gone

_I know you have your reasons why you're giving up on us, I know you think you're doing what's best for me, but you're wrong. What's best for me Spencer, is being with you. _

_Like the lyrics above say, I thought I lost you somewhere, but you were never really ever there at all. I was thinking that I lost you this morning, but really I don't know if I ever really had you. I gave you all of me, in a short time you came to be everything to me, I wish I could be the same for you._

_Ashley_

Fresh tears started to fall as I reread her words. I wanted so badly to go back. To go back to the morning everything fell apart and to do it all differently. Instead of answering the door to Tom, I'd leave him out there and call Glen's bouncer friends. Instead of following him to my bedroom I'd run out the front door and call the police. If only I'd done something differently then maybe Ashley and I wouldn't be apart and hurting so badly and maybe I wouldn't be so broken.

I headed to my bedroom and stripped out of my work clothes. I pulled on a pair of black shorts and a grey v-neck t-shirt. I slid on my Vans and swept my hair up into a ponytail to keep it out of my face. I quickly touched up my make-up, to hide the dark circles and tear streaks, which refused to stay hidden, and headed out.

I grabbed my bass and my bag and was about to leave the apartment when the vase full of lilies that Ashley had brought me caught my eye. They were so beautiful and meant all the more because she had remember that they were my favourites. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and blinked back tears before walking determinedly out of my apartment.

Even if my life was falling apart, at least I still had my music.

I climbed into my car and headed over to Julian's. As I pulled up behind Grey's van (had to be big to cart around his drums) I saw Ashley getting out of her car a little further down the street. She looked so beautiful and all I wanted to do was tell her what a fool I'd been and that I needed her. Of course that would be selfish of me and I wasn't going to do that to her.

I turned back to my car and got my bass out of the trunk. I slammed the trunk shut and as I turned around I came face to face with Ashley. She looked tired and her eyes were slightly red, my guess was that she had been crying. I looked longingly at her as silence descended on us.

"Hey Spencer," She finally said, her eyes never leaving mine.

"Hi Ashley," I murmured. I stared down at my feet, not sure what to say next.

"How are you Blue?" She asked softly. I snapped my eyes up to look at her and saw no anger or hurt in her eyes. Instead she looked as though she was concerned for me, which was ridiculous given what I had done to her.

"What are you doing Ashley? Why aren't you angry at me?" I asked wearily.

She cocked her head to the side and looked questioningly at me, "Do you want me to be Spencer? Will that make you feel better?"

"No, I mean I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking right now to be honest with you," I murmured as I ran a hand through my ponytail.

"I'd believe it. I kind of think you haven't been thinking so clearly since what happened with Tom the other morning, which is completely understandable." She said in a matter of fact tone. I broke our eye contact and looked back down at my feet. I heard Ashley laugh sadly and couldn't help but glance back up at her. Her eyes were fixed on me and I felt as though she was looking straight into my head and reading my thoughts. "You know the saddest thing about all this Spencer, about you giving up on us, is that you've let Tom win. He set out to hurt you, to take away the happiness you could have found by being true to yourself, and he succeeded. It's really fucking sad Spence."

I had no words in me to respond to what she had said, she was right. Tom had won and I had promised myself I would never let him beat me. Yet another broken promise in a sea of broken promises. Ashley smiled at me with so much understanding that it made my guilt intensify, "It's ok Spence, I was hurt, hell I still am. I wish you could let me in, let me help you, instead of pushing me way in the guise of protecting me from you and your issues. I also wish that you would be honest with me and with yourself, this runs so much deeper than just you not being able to give me what you think I want and need. Spencer I care about you and I'm not going anywhere. As a friend or whatever I'll be here."

With that said Ashley turned and walked into Julian's. I clutched my bass tighter and followed her inside, thoughts swirling around in my head at a million miles per hour. I felt so damn confused. There was a tiny voice in my head telling me that Ashley was totally right, but it was a voice I had gotten a lot of practice ignoring so that's what I did, at least for a while.

Ashley's POV

I felt marginally better after my conversation with Spencer outside of Julian's house. I knew that every word I had said was true and more importantly that they needed to be said. I also knew that I would wait for her. I had a feeling that my faith in her and my faith in how I felt was going to pay off. I hoped it would anyway.

We worked so hard at Julian's that I didn't get time to think much more about Spencer and what was going on with us. The performance at Pella was now only a day away and Julian was freaking out, even though we had all the songs down. He kept changing the order of songs and trying to fiddle with arrangements, which just got everyone frustrated with him what a control freak he was being.

Finally Jen had enough, "Julian if you don't stop fucking around with the songs I am going to smash your guitar over your fucking head! You understand?"

Julian pouted like a little boy who had just been told off by his Mom and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm sorry if I just want these performances to go well! Excuse me for giving a shit!" He said defensively.

"And you think we don't give a shit?! Jesus Julian, you know how important this is to us!" Grey snapped, which shocked Julian into silence. Grey was known for his monosyllabic nature so to hear him say a full sentence was rare.

Julian shook his head and ran a hand through his black hair, "I'm sorry guys, I guess I'm just stressed. I didn't tell you this earlier but I found out from the manager at the club we're playing Saturday night but there is going to be an agent there to see us."

We all stood looking stunned. Spencer seemed to snap out of it first, "Why didn't you tell us Julian? You should have told us about this as soon as you found out."

"I know I'm sorry, I just didn't want you guys to be nervous or anything. But you're right Spence, I should have told you guys."

"Damn right you should have!" I snapped. Julian hung his head in shame.

"Despite the fact that you're a douche bag, this is awesome news Jules!" Jen said excitedly. I saw Spencer roll her eyes and give Julian a small smile before stepping forward and giving him a brief hug.

"She's right Jules this is awesome news," Spencer said with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. I don't think anyone else noticed but me, but then again I don't think anyone is as aware of Spencer as I am.

We talked about the agent for a bit longer, until we were satisfied that Julian had finally told us everything. This was a big deal, it could be the start of something huge for us. Problem was that my mind was kind of preoccupied by a certain blonde.

As we were about to leave Julian slung an arm around Spencer's shoulder. I don't think he noticed her tense up or her face go pale, but I did. Julian gave her a squeeze and said loudly, "So Spence my gorgeous friend, I don't believe you have told us about your date with Ashley yet, c'mon babe, details now!"

Spencer's eyes widened and sort out mine. I just looked at her, the ball was in her court now. I would back her up no matter what she said but I wasn't going to come up with a cover story for her. Seeing that I wasn't going to say anything Spencer took a deep breath and slipped out from under Julian's arm.

"Well the date was good, we had dinner then went for a drive. It was great., but um I think we decided that we'd be better off as friends," Spencer said quietly, avoiding eye contact with everyone, all of whom were looking at her in disbelief while I just gazed at her, keeping my expression neutral.

Jen opened and closed her mouth a few times before shaking her head, "Well that comes as a bit of a shock. I don't think I have ever seen so much sexual tension between two people. I guess I'm pretty damn surprised."

Julian was looking suspiciously at Spencer, you could see the wheels turning in his head, he so wasn't buying her crap, not that I blame him she is a shitty liar. Grey was looking back and forth between Spencer and I, as if trying to decipher a puzzle that just didn't make sense.

Spencer had her eyes glued on her feet, "Um yeah well I guess these things happen, um I have to go. I've got to be at work early tomorrow. I'll see you guys for our final rehearsal tomorrow afternoon at Pella." Spencer grabbed her bass and high tailed it before anyone had a chance to say anything to her.

Once the door closed behind her Julian turned to me, "Ashley I don't, for one second, believe a word of that bullshit Spencer just spun us, what the fuck happened? You guys were on a few days ago and now she won't even look at you, or anyone else for that matter. What's going on?"

I sighed, I wasn't going to betray Spencer, if she didn't want them to know then I was going to respect that. "Jules, it was just bad timing ok, maybe one day things will work out for us but its not the right time now. Hey look I'm pretty wiped so I'm gonna head home, gotta be all rested for the performance tomorrow night."

I gave each of them a hug and headed out. As soon as I stepped outside I saw Spencer leaning against my car staring off into space. I had half expected her to be waiting for me. I wandered up to her, stopping about a foot away.

Spencer turned her eyes onto me and sighed, "You know I keep thinking about what you said earlier and you're right I have let Tom win. I let that son of a bitch break me." Spencer laughed humourlesslessly and kicked at a stone on the ground, "I let him turn me into what I swore I'd never be again, afraid. I promised you I was done being scared, that I wouldn't let my fear hold me back anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't keep that promise Ashley."

I sighed and moved to lean up against my car beside her, "Spencer I know the world has royally fucked you over and I know that people have hurt you, but sooner or later you have to stop letting them impact your life. If you go through life always afraid that people are going to screw you then you are going to be miserable. I got the rare opportunity to see the real you and she is incredible. The woman you are when the music's playing, when the songs are being written, the woman you are when you're with me, that's the real you. I hope you don't lose sight of her."

Spencer ran her hand through her ponytail and stepped away from my car, "I just don't know what to do anymore Ash. I'm confused and scared and overwhelmed. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I'm sure I'm making you lose yours, and not in a good way. I wish it wasn't like this." Her eyes were sparkling with tears and I couldn't help but start to get a little angry with her.

"You know what Spencer, it doesn't have to be like this. You chose this," I said quietly.

"Chose this?! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I _chose_ to be almost raped by my ex-boyfriend less than a God damn week ago?" Spencer snarled angrily.

"That's not what I meant and you damn well know it. What I meant was that you chose the way things are between you and I. It's like what Julian has been saying all along, you're not fucking scared I'll hurt you, Spencer you are God damn terrified that things will actually work out between us and then you'd have to let go of the fucking past. If you let me in you just might have to be the woman I know you can be, a happy and in love _gay_ woman, and that terrifies you." I exclaimed, trying hard to keep my voice calm.

"Fuck you Ashley. When you have been through what I have then we can talk. It's not as simple as just moving on," She snapped at me, clenching her hands into tight fists.

"Spencer who are you trying to convince? You told me you were just existing and you've become comfortable with it. Fuck it's all you know anymore. I have tried being understanding, I have tried being compassionate and patient. I have tried everything I know how to show you that you are more than this, but it's not fucking getting through to you! You have been through hell and I get that, but it's time to move past it and start living. Stop merely existing and actually live!" I cried.

Spencer glared at me with so much rage in her blues and then slapped me hard across the face. I honestly think she was more shocked by her actions than I was. A look of horror spread across her face instantly as her hand flew up to cover her mouth. I knew Spencer and I knew that after what Carmen put her through the thought of being violent towards anyone made her sick, which would explain the horror she felt at actually hitting me. I raised my hand to cover what I'm sure was already a red mark and nodded at her with a humourless smile, "I guess I hit a nerve huh?"

Spencer shook her head as the tears began to fall. She turned on her heel and ran to her car like I was chasing her. I wasn't going to, not this time. This time Spencer had to do some thinking and she couldn't do that with me around. I hated seeing her in so much pain, but I didn't know what else to do. I was all out of options.

I was about to get in my car when I heard a voice say, "You might want to put some ice on that, Spencer's got a hell of an arm on her." I turned around to see Julian with a bag of frozen peas in his hand. He chucked them to me and I tentatively pressed them to my cheek.

"So how much of that did you hear," I asked, my voice muffled by the peas.

"Enough. Tom tried to rape her? What the fuck happened Ashley and is Tom dead yet?" Julian snapped moving to my side.

"He came round to Spencer's the other morning, which is why we were late for band practice, and tried to force himself on her. I arrived in time and got him to back off. Spencer wasn't hurt or anything, but she was really shaken up. I tried to get her to go to the police but she refused. She backed off and then ended things with me, before they even really got started. What you just saw was me trying to bitch slapping her into reality. I just hope I haven't royally fucked up," I muttered.

"Tom's a dead man, I'm going to kill him," Julian said in a dead voice as he started to walk back towards his house.

I grabbed his arm and said, "No Jules, Spencer will freak out if you do anything. She is standing on a fucking knifes edge right now Julian, she could fall either way. Just promise me you won't do anything to Tom, or get anyone else to do anything. I mean it, oh and you can't say anything to anyone, Spencer doesn't want people to know."

"Ashley this is shit. She can't go on like this. I thought that once you two finally got together that she would be ok, that she would be able to get back all that Carmen and her mother stole from her, but now it's more fucked up than ever," Julian said with frustration.

"I know Julian, trust me no one knows all this better than me. I love her, I do and it is killing me that she won't let me in, won't let me help her. She ended things between her and I, she thought that she couldn't be what I want or need, according to her I deserve more. I don't know how to make her see that she is all I could ever want or need." I paused and wiped at a tear on my cheek, "I didn't mean to fall in love with her Julian, but it was one of those forces that couldn't be stopped. I don't know what to do now."

Julian wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "Now I think its up to her. Ashley you can't give her all the answers, Spencer has to figure out what it is that she wants and then she has to get the courage to go there. Just be true to yourself and to her, there is nothing else you can do."

I hugged him tightly, Julian was truly an awesome guy. "Thanks Jules. Now if you don't mind I'm going to go home, get in a bath and try to relax a bit," I said with a tight smile.

"Ok Ash, and I have this feeling that she'll come around. You and Spencer are destined, I can feel it. It's like an unstoppable force. I'm not a gambling man, but I'd bet on the two of you. Hang in there Ashley." Julian dropped a kiss on my forehead before heading back inside. I jumped in my car and headed home, my bath tub was waiting and man did I have a lot of unwinding to do.

-----

**Lyrics used in this chapter – Here is Gone by The Goo Goo Dolls**


	17. Right Is Rarely Easy

**Once again I am truly overwhelmed by the response to this story. Thank you**

**Galmil – yep what Ashley said had to be said. As for the slap I felt it was time we got some fight in Spencer**

**... – Thank you so much. I love the Ashley in this story, she is how I wish I hope I would be. I really can't adequately express how much your review meant to me**

**WillowOn3 – Hey Sweets, yep I let you have a sneak peak lol, your persistence and wonderful reviewing has paid off! Sure you can hug me, you gonna fly to Australia or pay for me to fly to you?! Reality certainly bites for Spencer and she needed to hear what Ash had to say.**

**somthgIlike2do – Ashley will hold strong I think, no matter how hard it becomes. Gig time!**

**mutt009 – I agree, Spencer's struggles in her head are even frustrating me and I'm the one writing them. I swear this story is writing itself! As for Tom…I have a feeling he'll get his.**

**uluvme – Hmm scaring yourself huh? Is it wrong that your suggestions just made me laugh, does that make me a psychopath? I think Ash may have finally started getting through to our favourite blonde.**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Thanks! I wish I had Ashley's courage and strength too.**

**drummergirl224 – Oh sorry I made you cry, although I take it as a compliment. Glad you didn't actually faint when Spencer got all slappy**

**ashikinz – Aw thanks, glad you're hooked!**

**LoveAsh87 – hmmm good question, what _will_ happen now? Read to find out!**

**Palexobsessed – Thanks so much. I agree what Ash said has probably been on a lot of people minds, I know it has been on mine. Ashley is nothing if not persistent! The slap I think has been building in Spencer, she couldn't keep all that emotion bottled up without it exploding at some point. I agree Julian is a sweetheart and the Goo Goo Dolls do rule lol**

**DarceLynn – The shit did hit the fan a tad. It is going to be a long and bumpy ride but what you need to keep in mind is that this is all happening only about a week since Tom attacked Spencer so not a lot of time has passed.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Seventeen – Right is Rarely Easy**

Spencer's POV

I wandered into my apartment after band practice and dropped my bass and bag on the sofa. I stood in the middle of the living room and just looked around. In a short time Ashley and I had built so many memories in this room. Some were happy, some sad, and all were overwhelming to me in that moment.

I swallowed around the golf ball sized lump in my throat and stumbled into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. Once I had my glass in hand I wandered over to my answering machine, three messages. I hit play and listened to them, each one making me feel shittier.

"_Spencer its Dad, haven't heard from you in a few days just checking in. Give me a call when you get a chance. Love you Sweetheart."_

I hit delete and listened to the next message.

"_Hey it's Chelsea, just wanted to say hey. We so need to catch up girl, I want to hear all about your date with Ashley! Anyway I know you're busy getting ready for the performances this weekend, me and Clay are so coming to cheer you on, but give me a call when you get a minute. Love ya!"_

I sighed sadly and hit delete again. I wasn't looking forward to telling Chelsea and the family that Ashley and I were not together. They had really taken a liking to her. I think they saw her as the person who could help make me whole again after everything that had happened. God I wish that were true.

I tried to hold back yet more tears as the third message started playing.

"_Spencer its Julian. Look I know something is going on with you and I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it. I just want you to know that I am always here for you. I love you Spence, and if you need anything at all I want you to know I am here. Call me if you want and I'll see you tomorrow for the gig. Night Spence."_

Damn Julian, I couldn't stop the tears now if I'd wanted too. I slid down the wall and buried my face in my hands, my wine glass placed on the floor beside me. After the last week you'd think I had no more tears left, but they just keep coming. I think I must have been getting seriously dehydrated from all the crying.

I have no idea how long I sat on the floor, time kinda lost all meaning as I sat there just thinking about everything that had happened between Ashley and I. For about an hour I didn't once think of Tom and what he had done.

Once my ass was starting to hurt from sitting on my wooden floor, I climbed to my feet and wandered down the hall to my bedroom. It was the first time ever that I did not put my bass back in its place in my music room. That alone should tell you how much all this was getting to me.

Once I had changed into some boxers and a tank top to sleep in a sketch on my wall caught me eye. It was the sketch Chelsea had done of me, the one Ashley had admired when she'd come to my apartment for the first time. So much had happened and changed since then but I could still picture the look on her face as she stared up at that drawing. That look had made my heart rate quicken and my palms sweat. That look had made me feel beautiful for the first time since I'd been with Kate.

Smiling sadly up at the sketch, I switched off the light and climbed into bed. Posing for that sketch had been one of the boldest experiences of my life and I was so damn proud of that moment, I wished I could be that girl full time. I lay still in the darkness as my thoughts raced over the events of the last few weeks, since the moment I had met Ashley. The second I saw her I felt something, this instant and intense connection that went beyond anything I had ever felt. It was like fate.

It had been an intense rollercoaster of emotions since I met Ashley, every moment of my time with her was burnt into my memory. Most clearly I was remembering that I had done the unforgivable. I had hit her. The second my hand had connected with her cheek I felt physically ill. I would give anything to take back that moment.

After what I went through with Carmen I always swore to myself that I would never use violence against someone I loved. I felt disgusted with myself for lashing out like that. Ashley did not deserve that, no one did. The fact that I was capable of striking out at her just made me ever more certain that I was not right for her. I hated myself for what I had done.

I couldn't deny it though, her words hit a nerve. She was completely right and it scared me to have the truth thrust into my face like that. Of course that does not justify me hitting her.

With thoughts of self-hated and disgust running through my head I finally drifted off to sleep.

Ashley's POV

I woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring beside me. It was a big day, gig day. I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, I couldn't stop thinking about Spencer and the conversation we'd had in front of Julian's. I was kind of regretting not going after her. I knew she had to be beating herself up over hitting me, even though I pushed her to it.

I was trying to get a reaction from her, can't blame her for reacting. I know it's not in her to be violent, I know that's not who she is. She is not like that bitch Carmen. I was kind of wishing I had told her that to save her from berating herself for it. At the same time though I honestly believe that she needs some time to think, like Jules said. She needs to figure out what it is she wants and then find the courage to go for it.

Whatever she ultimately figures out I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere, even though logic is telling me to bail. The minimal logical elements of my brain is telling me to run, to save myself from more drama and heartache with this girl, but the rest of me knows that even if I wanted to leave, I'd take her with me in my heart.

Spencer is part of me now and even if I fled to the other side of the world she would still be with me. She's in my heart, in my soul, in the blood that courses around my body. Spencer Carlin is a part of me and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that, not that I'd want to.

I sighed and dragged myself out of bed. I had a bit to do today. I'd offered to help Grey move the instruments to Pella and then I had to go and see my little sister, Kyla, and her fiancé Aiden who also happened to be my good friend. They were coming to the gig tonight but had only just got back into town after three months travelling around Europe so I was eager to see them.

I got dressed and headed over to Julian's to meet Grey. We kinda had to break in because Julian forgot to leave us a key. Grey was very careful about it though, he just jimmied the lock, I need to remember to ask him where he learnt to do that. Once inside we packed up the drum kit, key board, amps, two of Julian's guitars and his cello. Spencer and I always took our instruments home with us so would bring them to Pella ourselves.

We loaded the instruments into Grey's van in a comfortable silence. Grey was definitely the silent type and rarely said anything unless it was absolutely necessary. I kind of liked that about him. We were just closing the doors on the now full van when Grey turned to me and said softly, "Spencer's not ok is she?"

I snapped my head up to look at him, "Um no, she's not. A lot has happened to her Grey and she's really struggling with it."

He nodded, "Is that why you two aren't together?" He asked leaning against the van.

"Yeah kind of. It's complicated," I said leaning next to him.

"Isn't it always? You know Ashley things that are right are rarely easy. Just because its hard now doesn't mean that you two being together isn't right," Grey said in his soft voice. I let his words wash over me, he was right. That's the thing with Grey, he rarely talks but when he does it's always something you should listen to. Kinda like that guy Silent Bob Kevin Smith plays in all his movies (I love those movies, they are some funny shit!).

"Thanks Grey," I murmured. He just smiled and nodded, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before he got in his van. I climbed into my Porsche and followed him to Pella where we unloaded the instruments and set up in companionable silence. I couldn't help but glance at the door that lead to the stairs that would take me to Spencer's apartment. I knew she was at work, but I still had to fight the urge to run up those stairs just to feel closer to her.

Once the instruments, sans Spencer's bass, violin and my guitar were set up I said goodbye to Grey and headed over to Kyla and Aiden's. Kyla had lived with me until Aiden had proposed to her about six months earlier. They really were the most disgustingly cute couple ever.

I jumped in the lift after Kyla buzzed me up and headed to their fifth floor apartment. I had really missed my sister and had so needed her during all the drama that had been happening with Spencer, talking about it on the phone just wasn't the same.

I had just gotten to her front door and was about to knock when Kyla came bolting out the door in a tiny bundle of brunette energy. My sister could be a tad hyperactive. Kyla jumped into my arms and held me tightly, "Ash! God I missed you!"

"I missed you too Ky, now how about we take this out of the hall?" I said teasingly. Kyla detangled herself from me and led the way inside where I was scooped up in a hug by a six foot three bag of muscles known as my soon to be brother in law, Aiden.

"Hey Aiden," I mumbled against his chest as the brunette boy hugged me within an inch of my life.

"God Ash you look like shit! What's been going on?" Aiden asked, earning him a punch from both Kyla and me. That boy really had no tact at all.

"Aiden you're such a dick, Ash told us on the phone about all the shit with this Spencer girl! Of course she looks like shit after all that!" Kyla exclaimed. Yeah thanks for the help sis.

"Thanks Ky, really thanks," I muttered dryly.

"Oh sorry Ash! I didn't mean it like that. So what's the latest with the love of your life?" Kyla asked leading me over to the sofa.

I sighed and quickly filled them in on the latest. Aiden very kindly offered to go kill Tom, his older sister had been the victim of sexual assault when we were in high school and now he sees her attacker in every man that would do that to a woman. I declined his offer, regretfully. After about an hour of talking, some anger, frustration and a lot of tears I had updated them on where things stood between Spencer and I. It was one fucking depressing story.

Saying it all out loud just made me think about how hard this must be for Spencer. She must be so scared and confused. She was finally getting to move on after all the shit with Carmen, her Mom and Tom and then it all came crashing down on her again. It really wasn't fair, she deserved only wonderful things in her life.

"Fuck that is all so messed up!" Aiden so eloquently said. I had to agree with him.

"Yeah it's all pretty screwed up. All I know is that I can't give up on her. She needs me, even if she doesn't know it. I'll never walk away from her," I murmured.

Kyla was watching me with the strangest expression on her face, "I never thought I'd ever see you like this Ash. I'm proud of you for standing by her, for not giving up on her. Spencer is very lucky to have you and I bet deep down she knows it. I believe that in the end it will all be worth it." Kyla gave my hand a squeeze.

"Thanks Ky. I hope you're right," I murmured with a soft smile.

"You know I am. Now get your ass up off our sofa and get home to get ready for this gig you got happening tonight, don't you have a rehearsal this afternoon at the bar?" Kyla said as she dragged me to my feet.

"Yeah I guess I do. Thanks you guys and I'll see you tonight?"

"You sure will now go, don't want you to be late!" Kyla ordered. I laughed and waved as I headed out of their apartment. My sister could always make me smile.

Spencer's POV

I got home from work about half an hour later than I'd planned. I'd gotten caught up with s student who was having major issues with his thesis violin piece and ended up having to talk him off the proverbial ledge. After a few tears and me having to stop him trying to put his sheet music through the shredder in my office, we got his piece sorted and I sent him on his way much happier than when he'd walked in.

I jogged up the stairs to my place to find Julian waiting for me on my door step. "Hey my favourite blonde, how's it going?" He asked stepping forward to pull me into a hug, which I reluctantly allowed. I was getting a little better at letting people touch me, but it was still a little hard.

"I'm ok Jules, just had a minor crisis at work so I'm running a bit late. Other than that I'm ok," I answered, unlocking my door and leading the way inside.

"Spencer I was going to pretend that I don't know. I was going to hint around until you told me yourself but I don't want to lie to you. I know what Tom did to you, I know what really happened between you and Ashley. Honey you had to know I wasn't buying the shit you were trying to spin us yesterday," Julian said as he perched on my sofa watching me with the saddest of expressions.

I froze for a moment and then shut the door softly. I leaned against the cool wood and looked over at Julian, "Did Ashley tell you?" I asked in a weary voice.

"No she didn't. I overheard you guys talking at her car last night and then confronted her about it. Ashley asked me not to say anything to you Spence, but I couldn't not. I sat up all last night just thinking about it. I was going to do what Ashley asked and not say anything, but I just couldn't. I love you Carlin and I knew something wasn't right. Are you ok?" Julian asked sadly.

I swallowed and pushed myself off the door to sit beside him on the sofa, "Truthfully Jules, I'm really not ok. I was finally going to get my happy ending you know. I was going to be with Ashley a woman who loves me and who would never intentionally hurt me and then it was all ripped away."

"It doesn't have to be like that Spence. Just because Tom is a monster and did a horrible, unforgivable thing, it doesn't mean that you have to give up on your happy ending. Ashley is crazy about you and you have to know that no matter how hard you push her away, she isn't going anywhere. I guess the question is how hard and how far are you going to push her?" Julian gave my hand a gently squeeze and got to his feet.

"Spencer if you broke up with her because you think she deserves more then you're wrong. You are one of the most wonderful people I know and anyone would be blessed to be with you. Ashley loves you Spence and she needs you. Let her in, for both your sakes. I'll see you down in the bar in 45 for a quick rehearsal," Julian said softly. With a gentle smile he turned and walked out.

I stared at the door he'd just passed through and ran his words over in my head. Yet more words to muddle my already confused brain. Although I'll admit Julian's words struck a cord with me. I staggered to my feet and headed to my bedroom to get ready, as they say the show must go on.

Exactly forty minutes later I was dresses and ready for rehearsal. I grabbed my violin and bass and headed down stairs to join the band. Everything was already set up, I believe Grey and Ashley brought everything over earlier and got it sorted. As I walked in all eyes turned to me. Julian gave me a gentle smile that told me he was there for me, Jen and Grey just grinned in greeting and Ashley smiled tenderly.

I walked over and handed my violin to Julian and my bass to Grey so they could be plugged into the amps in preparation for the performance. While they were occupied with that I walked up next to Ashley and murmured, "I am so sorry about last night. I feel sick when I think about hitting you. If I could take it back I would in a heart beat."

"I wouldn't want you to take it back Spence. I wanted you to react and you did. I wanted to see some fight in you and I did. I know you feel bad Spencer, but you are not Carmen and I know that you didn't mean to hurt me. It's really ok," Ashley said softly. She reached over and gave my hand a gentle squeeze as I stared at the floor, still pretty damn ashamed of myself.

I didn't get time to dwell on my thoughts because Julian quickly got our practice underway. We did a run through of the set we would be playing that night and then had to high tail it outta there so Glen could open the bar. I led the band upstairs to my apartment so we could relax and get ready for the performance. Neither Jen or Grey had seen the place so I gave them a quick tour, I think they both drooled a little when I showed them the music room. It wasn't surprising, it tended to have that effect of fellow musicians.

Once we were all back in the living room I grabbed five beers from my fridge and handed them out, "Ok guys so like two hours til show time so just make yourselves at home," I said taking a sip of my beer. The band members were lazing around on my sofas, just relaxing.

I stood awkwardly and then when I thought I could get away with it I escaped down the hall to my bedroom. I wandered to my closet and began to look for something to wear to perform in that night, it gave me something to focus my mind on for a little while. I was digging through my various pairs of jeans when I heard the sound of footsteps behind me. I turned around to find Ashley leaning against the door frame staring at the spot where she had found Tom trying to force himself on me.

"I never thanked you for stopping him, for getting him off me," I murmured softly.

Ashley turned to face me with a sad smile, "You don't need to thank me Blue, I'm just glad I got here in time. I wish I'd gotten here earlier, it might have spared both of us some heartache."

I looked down at the ground before taking a hesitant step towards her, "I'm sorry Ashley," I said so softly that I'm surprised she actually heard it.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Spence, nothing at all," she said with a kind smile, "So what are you doing in here?"

"Trying to pick something to wear tonight when we perform," I said quietly as I turned back to my clothes.

Ashley chuckled a bit, "Spencer anything will look awesome on you so don't stress ok?"

I looked up and gave her a tiny smile, an actual genuine smile for the first time since before Tom and what happened, "You really aren't going to give up on me are you?"

Ashley threw back her head and laughed, "Nope. Blue you're stuck with me," her expression suddenly became serious, "Look Spencer I get it ok, I get why you've pushed me away. I understand, I do, but I'm going to just leave you because you're trying to be selfless to spare me. I love you and have since the moment I met you. If it takes forever than so be it, I'm not going anywhere. If you need me, for anything then I'm here."

I nodded and blinked back tears, "Thank you," I whispered, "Julian came to see me before rehearsal. I know that he knows about what happened with Tom and what really happened with us. I'm sorry I put you in a position where you had to hide the truth from people, from our friends. That wasn't fair of me."

"Spencer you were, and are, going through something I can't imagine so I can't judge you for how you've reacted. I get why you didn't want people to know and its ok. I hope that one day you can tell them and maybe the police," She said quietly. I nodded and looked down at my hands which were fidgeting. I think she could sense how overwhelmed I was because she smiled kindly and left me alone in my room, casting another quick glance back at the spot where Tom had attacked me.

I sighed and wiped away my tears before heading into my bathroom to wash away the evidence of my tears.

Ashley's POV

I don't know what I was expecting when I followed Spencer down the hall and into her bedroom, but it certainly hadn't been her thanking me for getting Tom of her. It had been a short conversation, a few minutes at most, but I really felt that it was a turning point for us. I guess we'd have to wait and see how it played out.

I joined the others in the living room, all lounging around on Spencer's sofas. "She alright?" Julian asked quietly as I sat down. I gave him a smile and nodded. A few minutes later Spencer came back out to join us, a small smile on her lips. I hadn't seen her smile like that since before that shit with her asshole ex-boyfriend, it was beautiful.

"So you guys want some food? I can get the chef down stairs to send up some of his famous pizzas?" Spencer asked.

"Oh hell yes, those pizzas are better than sex!" Julian claimed loudly, making us all laugh. "Well ok maybe not _better_ than sex but pretty much on par!" Julian corrected to more laughter, which I noted Spencer actually joined in on for a moment.

"Ok I'll get some sent up," Spencer rose to her feet and put in a quick call to Glen downstairs who happily obliged and within fifteen minutes three huge pizzas were sitting on Spencer's coffee table while we all gorges ourselves on hot deliciousness.

Once the pizza was completely devoured (Grey may not say much but man can that guy eat!) we started getting ready for the performance. Julian and Grey just changed their shirts, Julian into a black one and Grey into a khaki green one. Jen disappeared into the guest bathroom and changed into black skinny jeans and a bronze tank-top that brought out the copper tones in her recently dyed hair.

I ducked into the music room to change and then kicked Jen out of the bathroom so I could put on my makeup and do my hair. I'd decided on dark grey shorts with a black waistcoat over a blood red bra. I was just walking out of the bathroom when Spencer stepped out of her bedroom. I froze, my God she looked incredible.

Spencer was wearing black shorts that hugged her body and made her legs look like they went on forever. Black high-top Converses adorned her feet, with the tops rolled down. She was wearing a dark grey v-neck t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off her well-defined arm muscles. On each wrist she wore dark brown leather cuffs and a long gold chain with a coin on the end hung around her neck. Her long blonde hair was swept up in a ponytail, leaving the tattoo on the back of her neck visible. The tattoo on her hip kept peeking out from underneath her t-shirt each time she moved.

"Wow," I breathed out and then blushed embarrassedly as Spencer blushed shyly, looked down at the ground and walked towards me.

As she reached me, Spencer raised her eyes to meet mine and said softly, "You really look amazing Ashley."

"Thanks so do you Blue," I murmured, both of us still a little red in the face. I would have said more but then Julian came in and excitedly dragged us out of the apartment.

It was truly show time.

* * *

**Time for the gig…**


	18. Show Time

**You guys are amazing, I am bowing down to all my awesome readers and reviewers!**

**ashleylphl – thanks, I didn't want to rush the story, I wanted it to feel real. I am so grateful for your awesome reviews, they mean so much. Oh and thanks, music is my life so I love using it in my fics whenever I can**

**mischevious1 – Thank you. I don't see Ashley ever giving up. Love is certainly in the air.**

**drummergirl244 – Thanks, gotta love a Spashley moment**

**DontMindBnCrazy – hmm a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel…maybe lol**

**WillowOn3 – Julian is often the voice of reason for Spencer and Grey is just awesome. I love them both too. Yay deal is back on!**

**mutt009 – hmm I might be hinting at something about Tom. Yep baby steps for our Spencer. Thanks for yet another great review**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Sorry! I'm really mean tugging on the heart strings aren't I?**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Aw teary! I take all tears as compliments, unless its coz my writing is so atrocious it makes someone cry…that is not a compliment. **

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks heaps. Spencer's walls are starting to come down but we'll see what happens**

**uluvme – nuh not wrong you keep going back to violence, Tom kinda deserves it**

**somthgIlike2do – how could I take that the wrong way?! I take it as a huge compliment. I think you're right, hope just might be peeking it head out. I don't know about a kiss, but I know that there was more they both wanted to say.**

**Thanks again guys!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Eighteen – Show Time**

Spencer's POV

God Ashley was looking beautiful tonight, looking at her I just wanted to hold her, to feel her in my arms. I missed being in her arms. Oh and the way she looked at me, like I was the most beautiful thing in her world, it made me want to cry and tell her what a fool I was for letting her go and pushing her away.

I really am a foolish person, I let go of someone who truly loves me in the guise of protecting her. See even I can admit it was a guise. Ashley was right, about everything. I wish she wasn't, but she really was and I can't lie to myself about that any more.

I am stuck in the past and maybe I have gotten comfortable there, there are no highs but at least I'm not risking any more lows. I risked some highs and moved towards a future by breaking up with Tom and being Ashley only to have it monumentally blow up in my face. Is it any wonder why I'm shitting myself at the thought of letting someone in again?

No I couldn't think about all that then, I had to perform and that took all my emotions and focus. After the performance I could dwell on the fucked up mess my life had become, but not now.

I followed the others into Pella via the back door. We slipped back stage and went over our set list one more time. I wasn't really nervous, I don't usually get nervous performing. When I'm on stage I feel free so I was looking forward to stepping through those curtains and getting into it.

I looked over at Ashley and she caught my eye and smiled. She knew what performing meant to me, hell she was the one who kept telling me that the real me was the woman you see on stage. So tonight I would reconnect with that part of me and see if I could find something to hold onto so I could drag the 'real me' out into the real world.

"Ok guys, it's time! You're going to be great!" Glen announced as he came up beside me. I gave my brother the briefest of hugs before he headed out on stage to introduce us.

"Ok ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals. I have a special treat for you tonight, in their return performance to Pella, back by popular demand….I give you….Fear Itself!" Glen called into the microphone. We headed through the curtain at the side of the stage, grinning and waving at the crowd, which was much bigger than the first time we'd played at Pella. According to Glen they were packed to capacity and had a line down the block all waiting to get in.

I walked to my microphone and scooped up my bass, I saw Julian and Ashley out of the corner of my eye doing the same. I looked out over the crowd and spotted some familiar faces. I saw my Dad sitting with Glen, Clay and Chelsea. I gave them a grin and a subtle wink.

Julian stepped up to the microphone and said excitedly, "Hey guys thanks for coming out tonight! We're Fear Itself," Julian paused as the audience clapped, "Let me introduce you to the band. On drums we have Grey, on keyboard we have Jen, on guitar and vocals we have Ashley and me, Julian and last we have Spencer on bass and vocals. We've got a lot of songs for you guys tonight, plus four new songs that we have never performed to an audience before. First off we're gonna start with one of our new songs, this one is written by our very own bass player, Miss Spencer, blonde bombshell Carlin. This song is called The Resolution."

Julian looked back at Grey who counted us in with his drumsticks. Jen started with the keyboard for the first few lines as Julian sung and then Ashley, Julian, Grey and I came in with our instruments.

I put everything into that song, joining in with Julian to sing the chorus. This was one of the few songs that Ashley didn't sing in at all. As I sang the words to the chorus I felt the emotions that inspired the song surge within me.

"Yeah I'm alive  
But I don't need a witness  
To know that I've survived  
I'm not looking for forgiveness  
Yeah I just need light  
I need light in the dark  
As I search for the resolution."

I sung those lyrics with every emotion I had. I had written that song when I was at my absolute break point dealing with Tom and my mother. It was at that point where I knew it was Ashley that I wanted and that I had to break free of the chains that held me. It kind of hit me as I belted out the last chorus of the song. Like the lyrics said, I'd survived and I just needed light in the dark as I searched for my resolution. Ashley was my resolution, I just needed the light to help me get back to her.

I was torn from my thoughts by thunderous applause and cheers from the crowd. I beamed, my song had touched these people. It was unbelievable. Julian leaned over and whispered, "That's all for you my blonde goddess!" I giggled as he winked and turned back to his microphone. Ashley beamed at me behind his back and I grinned back.

We played a few of our other songs and then Ashley and I were up to sing Leaving. I swapped microphones with Julian so me and Ashley could be next to each other as we sung the duet. I beamed at the crowd, "Hey guys, you have been so great tonight! The next song was written by me and is about knowing when its time to leave. This song is called Leaving."

We began playing our instruments, I listened as Jen played the haunting piano part of the song. I began the first verse. We sung the bridge together and then both belted out the chorus with so much emotion that I felt tears stinging my eyes.

We managed to get through the song, both of us pouring so much into it so that the song came out much more powerful than I ever thought it could be. As we sang the last chorus I moved behind Ashley and shared her microphone, much like I'd done during the final song of our last performance. The crowd seemed to love that. I could feel the heat radiating off her body and see the sweat as it ran down her neck.

As we sung the last line the audience clapped so hard I was expecting bruised hands. I stepped back to my microphone as Julian took his place at his. It was amazing to me that the audience was actually getting into my songs. I even saw people singing the chorus with us. It was fucking amazing.

We played about ten more songs and then had a break. We all ran backstage and drank thirstily from the bottles of water waiting for us. Glen came pelting backstage with the hugest grin on his face, "You guys are awesome, the crowd loves you! I've had about a hundred people come up to me and ask me when you're playing here again. I've never had a band get a response like this before!"

We all started chatting excitedly. Just before we were about to go on stage I felt a familiar gaze on me. I turned to see Ashley smiling softly at me. I titled my head and smiled back.

"You come alive on stage Spence, it's magical to watch," she murmured.

"It's magical to feel. Maybe I can find away to take the stage me into the real world. That way I get to be alive in reality too," I said softly.

"I like the sound of that, now let's go wow them some more," She said with a beaming, nose-crinkling smile. I nodded and followed her back on stage to enthusiastic applause. It was such an unbelievable rush to be up there on stage singing songs that meant something real to me.

We played seven songs and then it was my turn to sing another one of the songs I had written. This time Ashley introduced me, "Next we have our blonde beauty Spencer singing a song she wrote called Breakeven. Over to you Spence."

I grinned over at her and we began playing. I let my body move to the music as I strummed my bass. Once the intro was done I began to sing. This song was so full of heartbreak, which I found all too easy to tap into. Recent events in my life made it far too easy to get to the emotional point I needed to get to do this song justice. As I was playing I looked out and my eyes caught those of a woman sitting at the bar. Even from this far away I'd never not recognise her. If I was blind I would know she was there. It was Kate, my first girlfriend and first love.

I couldn't stop my eyes from locking on hers as I finished the song. I was wondering if she knew it was about her. I think she'd have to. I felt Ashley's eyes on me, probably trying to figure out what had caught my eye.

As I sung the last note Kate got to her feet and gave me a standing ovation. Her emerald green eyes bore into mine and I couldn't look away, even as I threw myself into the next song.

It wasn't long before we were preparing to play the last song of the night. It was the song Ashley had written about me. One of the bar tenders brought out three chairs and sat them in front of the microphones which we lowered. I took a seat on one with my violin in hand, Julian on the one beside me with his cello and then Ashley on the last one with her acoustic guitar.

I smiled out over the audience and introduced the song, "For our last song of the night we have a new song written by our own Ashley Davies. This song is called Come Down To Me and has a special place in my heart, I'm sure it will in yours too." I glanced over at Ashley who gave me a smile of infinite tenderness.

We began to play the beautiful melody, which was only complete when Ashley's haunting, raspy voice began singing the heartfelt lyrics.

"Words fall out of my mouth  
And I can't seem to trace what I'm saying  
Everybody wants your time  
I'm just dreaming out loud,  
I can't have you for mine and I know it  
I just wanna watch you shine.

Tripping up on my tongue,  
It's all over my face and I'm racing  
Gotta get away from you  
Burning all the way home,  
Try to put it to bed but it chases  
Every little thing I do."

I felt my body bending as I got to my feet and tore the haunting notes from my violin. Julian beside me had his eyes closed as the cello music took him over. The lyrics of the song were reaching into my heart, knowing a truly beautiful song is written for you makes it all the more amazing.

"When the light falls on your face,  
Don't let it change you  
When the stars get in your eyes,  
Don't let them blind you.

You're beautiful  
Just the way you are  
And I love it all  
Every line, and every scar  
And I wish that I could make you see  
This is where you ought to be,  
Come down to me."

I could hear Ashley's pain and emotional turmoil in the lyrics. She was putting all of herself into the words and it was cutting into my soul. The lyrics had even more significance given the way things had gone with us.

"Spell it out in a song,  
Bet you never catch on to my weakness  
I'm singing every word for you.  
Here I'm thinking I'm sly  
Then you're catching my eye, and just maybe  
You're thinking what I'm thinking too

When you see it on my face,  
Don't let it shake you  
I know better than to try and  
Take you with me.

You're beautiful  
Just the way you are  
And I love it all  
Every line, and every scar  
And I wish that I could make you see  
This is where you ought to be,  
Come down to me."

As Ashley sung the last line and the music faded out the crowd went ballistic. They were cheering, clapping, whistling, jumping in place and on chairs and chanting for more. We all stood there and just soaked it in.

Julian grabbed his microphone and beamed at the audience, "You guys are absolutely incredible! Thank you so much. We're Fear Itself and it has been a pleasure playing for you!" We all rose to our feet and placed our instruments down so we could take a bow, wave out at the audience and head back stage.

I caught Kate's eye one last time before I let the curtain at the side of the stage envelope me. As soon as I was backstage Julian pulled me into a bone crushing hug which I actually returned. I was on such a high from the performance. Julian pulled me off my feet and spun me around. I giggled and ordered him to put me down. As soon as he did Jen grabbed me in a fierce hug.

Once I'd hugged Grey I turned and found Ashley waiting patiently to see if I'd embrace her. I didn't hesitate. I pulled her into my arms and held her close. Being in her arms felt like coming home. It felt right. I was still holding her when I saw Glen come back stage leading someone I was hoping wouldn't hang around after the performance, as much as I wanted to see her. I stepped back out of Ashley's arms and focused on the girl behind my brother. She had changed her hair. It was dark blonde now, but her emerald eyes were still the same.

"Spencer, look who turned up!" Glen called as he dragged her forward. Glen did not know about me and Kate, only Julian, Ashley and Chelsea did, all he knew was that she had been my best friend in high school.

I took a step forward, aware of Ashley watching this interaction intensely. I licked my dry lips and murmured, "Hello Kate."

Ashley's POV

Wait did she just say Kate? As in her first girlfriend and first love Kate? Well this was spectacularly bad timing. I finally get Spencer back in my arms and her ex shows up. Is the world out to screw me?! Fuck my life.

"Hi Spencer, I uh I heard from some friends that you were playing here tonight and I had to come. I always knew that you were so much more than a classical musician. I'm so proud of you," Kate murmured. Her voice was soft and gentle and even I had to admit that the girl was stunning. I mean she had nothing on Spencer, but she was beautiful. Spencer stepped forward and took Kate into her arms.

I felt this jolt of pain go through me as seeing Spencer so easily embrace her former love when it had taken over a week for her to be able to even touch me after what Tom had done to her. I couldn't help the jealousy that was building up in me. I'd heard the story and listened to the fucking song. I knew what Kate meant to Spencer and how upset she was about how things had ended between them.

Spencer stepped back out of the other blonde's arms and said softly, "It's good to see you, you look great."

"Thanks Spence, you too Blondie. It's been far too long," Kate said. I was waiting for Spencer to have a go at her for calling her Blondie, but it didn't happen. I think that's when it got a bit too much for me.

I muttered to Julian that I was going to get some air and bolted. I was outside leaning against my car when Spencer came out after me. She walked over and asked, "Are you ok Ash?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just needed some air. Where's Kate?" I asked, pretty bluntly.

Spencer looked confused, "Um inside with the others I guess. I just wanted to see if you were ok."

I scoffed, "You know what Spencer, I'm not ok. As you once said I am so far from ok it's almost funny. It's hard to watch you with someone else like that, seeing you let her touch you when it has been a week and you have barely let anyone else touch you. It's just painful Spence. It hurts, that's all."

She hung her head and stared at the ground, "I know Ash, I know. None of this is fair to you and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. I'm sorry that all I seem to do is keep hurting you. You must wish you had never met me."

I shook my head and laughed harshly, "Even though my life would be a hell of a lot simpler, I can't regret meeting you Spencer. I love you and that alone is worth all the pain, confusion and heartache."

I watched as Spencer blinked back tears and then raised her bright blue eyes to meet mine. "You know this has been one of the shittiest weeks ever. Not just because of Tom, but because I didn't have you. I have my reasons why I pushed you away, but I sometimes find myself doubting them," She murmured, her eyes staying locked on mine.

"What does that mean Spencer?" I asked gently, a faint glimmer of hope starting in my heart.

Spencer smiled sadly and took a step closer to me. "Tonight when I was singing back up on The Resolution I really thought about the lyrics I'd written and it became clear to me. In the song it says 'I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution'. Ashley you are my resolution, I know that, I just need to find my light so that I can find my way back to you," Spencer said so quietly I hardly heard her.

"Why can't I help you find your way Spencer?" I asked, feeling teary.

She smiled kindly, "This is something I have to figure out on my own Ash. I know I love you, but I need time ok?"

I shook my head, "No not ok Spencer. We seem to be talking in circles and not getting anywhere. I love you, you love me and you know I'm not going anywhere so why are you doing this to us? Why won't you let me in, why won't you let me help you? Why are you pushing me away?" I practically yelled at her, the desperation evident in my voice.

Spencer closed her eyes and when she opened them tears streaked down her beautiful face. "Just because I pushed you away doesn't mean I wanted you to be gone. Ashley, I'm so confused," She sobbed. I tired to take her in my arms only to have her pull away yet again, "I don't know what to think or feel or do. It's all so messed up and my head is this mess that I can't make sense of. I wish I could because I am so fucking scared that I am going to lose you."

"You aren't going to lose me Spencer, I've told you so many times that I'm not going anywhere. When are you going to believe it?" Frustrated and beyond tired I jumped in my car and left. I knew Julian would get my stuff together and I could pick it up from him later. I didn't know where I was going I just knew I needed to get some space. I was getting sick of the circles we were going in. Spencer was right, it was so confusing.

Spencer's POV

I watched her drive away and knew I couldn't let this go on anymore. Enough was enough for fucks sake. I couldn't let Tom ruin my life, that gave him power over me and I didn't want to be powerless any more. I heard the door behind me shut hard and spun around to find Kate standing there.

"So she's the one who finally got you to actually start to come out of the closet?" Kate asked with a smile.

"Not really, there was another girl before her but it was a kind of unhealthy relationship and I only considered coming out because I was scared of what would happen if I didn't. I told my family and as expected my Mom freaked out and kicked me out. After the relationship ended, badly I might add, I shut myself very firmly back in the closet until Ashley started to lead me out. With Ashley it is different, but it doesn't matter now because it's all fucked up," I rambled.

Kate walked up next to me and smiled as she grabbed my hand, "I can see how much you love her Spencer, you look at her in a way that you never looked at me. You will always be my first love Blondie and I know that I'm yours, but I can see that she is your forever love. Whatever is going on between the two of you I say you fix it Spencer. True love is a rare thing so don't you dare let it go."

I stared at my ex-girlfriend in wonder, "I never thought you'd ever be the one giving me relationship advice."

Kate laughed, "Well yeah I guess its fitting now isn't it. I've been there with you so who else is better qualified to dish out advice?"

"True. You're right Kate I need to fix this. Thanks," I smiled at her and began walking back into the club.

"Hey Blondie, call me sometime and we'll hang out. After everything we've been through I'd really like it if we could be friends." Kate called after me.

I had always thought that the 'let's be friends' conversation with Kate would kill me but funnily enough it made me smile, I guess I was really over her, "Yeah absolutely. I might need some more advice or something." Kate laughed and walked to her car. I went inside and dodged questions about Ashley as I got my things and headed out. I dumped my bag and instruments in my apartment and headed down to my car. I needed to go for a drive and clear my head.

When I arrived at my car I saw Julian waiting for me, "So again I ask you Spencer, how far and how hard are you going to push her?"

I sighed, "I know Julian. I know. I've hurt her and put her through more than anyone should ever have to endure. I love her, I know I have a funny way of showing it, but I do."

"I know you do Spencer. Please just start letting her in. It's killing her to stand on the sidelines and watch you suffer. Let her help you," Julian pleaded.

"I want to Jules, I do. I'm just not sure how anymore," I said tiredly.

"Well that is one answer I can't give you Princess. I love ya Spence and I hate to see what all this is doing to you," Julian murmured. I kissed him on the cheek

"I love you too Jules. I'll be ok, I just have to figure out what I'm gonna do now. I'm gonna go for a drive and think," I said softly.

"Ok Spencer, I'll see you tomorrow." Julian walked back inside, pausing at my door to give me an encouraging smile.

I climbed into my little blue SUV and started driving. I had a lot to think about.

-------

**Lyrics used in this Chapter**

**The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin**

**Come Down To Me by Saving Jane**


	19. Turn To A Friend

**Ok you guys are wonderful, thanks for the reviewie goodness.**

**LoveAh87 & nightwish fan - Thanks**

**TutorGurl - I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on my story. So far you are the only one who thinks Ashley is being unreasonable, I do see where you're coming from though.**

**mischevious1 - Glad I could help bring your good mood back, sorry your boss was giving you a hard time**

**Becci2009 - Is Spencer going to go to Ashley's? Read on to find out**

**drummergirl244 - Aw thanks! I love Julian too**

**uluvme - Yeah I thought Kate would be unexpected lol. I am not planning to bring Carmen back…or I wasn't til you mentioned it…Kidding! Hmmm make up/out huh? We'll see lol**

**Paleobsessed - Why thank you! Kate's not so bad and we all know how awesome Ashley is. Our Spencer is on her way back, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…or is it a train?! Coz you're right I _am_ a tease lol**

**mutt009 - Will Spencer go after Ashley? I dunno. Yeah Kate was mean to throw people a bit. I love your song suggestions, please feel free to give me more. I went and downloaded the Alicia Keys song and I love it**

**somthgIlike2do - Ash certainly has a backbone. Spencer has the ball, let's see what she does with it**

**WillowOn3 - I love you idea, sadly that's not how this is playing out lol. Thanks so much for your review, it made me smile**

**DarceLynn - Yeah Kate was meant to make people have an 'oh no' moment lol**

**MrsMusgraveTNG - Kate's not a bad person, she will probably make another appearance. Give Spencer some time, she'll get there**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn - Thanks once again for your awesome review!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Nineteen – Turn To A Friend**

Spencer's POV

I didn't know what I was feeling or thinking because all the thoughts and emotions in my head were so damn confused. Ashley, Kate and Julian's words kept replaying themselves over and over in my head, particularly Ashley's.

Truth be told I remembered every word she had ever said to me, every look and every touch. It all made it so much harder to keep believing that I had done the right thing by letting her go.

After I left Pella I drove around for a while without really knowing where I was headed. All I knew was that I had to start fixing things because I couldn't keep going on like this. I was crying hard as I drove and ended up pulling up at my brother Clay's house. I knew he wouldn't be home, he had gone to work straight from the show, but Chelsea, my sister in law would be and right now I needed her.

After I had gotten together with Carmen I had lost touch with a lot of my friends and then Tom hated the few I'd kept so I'd lost them too, aside from Julian that is. Julian had refused to be lost. Chelsea and I had known each other almost since infancy, she was the only one besides Julian, and now Kate I guess, who remained in my life from before I was dating Carmen.

I tried in vain to make it look like I hadn't been sobbing my eyes out before I stumbled up to the front door and knocked. It wasn't long before Chelsea was opening the door and I was collapsing into her arms crying so hard I nearly threw up on their welcome mat.

Chelsea didn't say a word, didn't demand to know what was wrong. She led me into the house and to the living room where she sat me down on the sofa and grabbed a box of tissues for me. For about half an hour I just cried. Chelsea sat silently by my side, giving me support but not making demands of me.

Once my tears stopped I turned to her and murmured, "Everything is so messed up Chels. I am so fucked up."

"What happened Spencer? Did you and Ashley have a fight or something after the show?" Chelsea asked gently, concern evident in her big brown eyes.

"Well something like that yeah, but its so much more than that Chels. God I hardly know where to begin, so much has happened lately," I said tiredly. I slumped back against the sofa cushions and sighed. In my head I made a decision, I was going to tell her everything. If I was going to start fixing this then I had to get used to talking about it.

Chelsea smiled and held my hand in hers, "Spence, you can tell me anything, you know I'm here for you. I will never judge you. There's no rush, take all the time you need."

I gave her a watery smile and looked down at my hands, "Thanks Chels. God it all seems so surreal, like something that you never expect to happen to you, but it did." I took a deep, shuddering breath and continued, "Well you know what happened, with Carmen and then the break up with Tom and all that. Well Tom didn't take the break up well, and that's putting it mildly. I know you saw the aftermath of that with the video and that but it got worse from there."

Chelsea fixed me with a look of concern but just let me continue talking at my own pace. "Um, well Ashley and I went out on a date, I was so nervous Chels. After everything with Kate and Carmen I was scared. I didn't need to be. Ashley was perfect. The night went great, except for the fact that we had a run in with Tom's Dad at the restaurant."

"Shit Spence, what happened? Mr. Brooks always was such a jackass!" Chelsea said vehemently, almost making me laugh. She'd only met the man once and had already accurately sized him up.

"Yeah you're right about that, he really is a jackass. He makes my mother look like a fucking saint, anyway Ashley and I were having the most amazing time when I saw Mr. Brooks. Unfortunately he saw me too and had to come over. Turned out Tom hadn't told him we'd split up so that went down well when I'd told him, which got even better when he realised that I was on a date with another woman. After I told him off he left and Ashley and I continued our date. It was amazing Chelsea," I said with a sad smile at the memory.

"Why do I get the feeling that this story is about to head up shit creek?" Chelsea asked sadly.

"Because it is. I wish that had been the worst of what has happened in the last week. Oh fuck, this is so hard! Well the morning after my date with Ash Tom turned up at my place. Apparently his Dad had been to see him after he'd bumped into me and cut him off or something. Tom was drunk and seemed pretty crazed. I have actually never seen him like that before. I was torn between being really pissed off at him and being really fucking scared," I paused as memories of that morning overwhelmed me.

Chelsea wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder and waited silently for me to continue. She was a good friend, always had been. We had met on the first day of kindergarten, when this horrible little boy Michael Connors had made me drop my lunch. Chelsea had seen the whole thing and then shared her ham and cheese sandwich with me. We'd been close ever since.

I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself to talk about what Tom had done to me. It would be the first time I had really talked about it. "Well turns out I was right to be scared. Tom ran down to my bedroom and like a moron I followed him. I should have known better, I should have run. I guess I just never expected him to do what he did." I had to stop as tears filled my eyes and made it hard to speak.

Chelsea moved to sit on the coffee table so that she was facing me. Taking both my hands in hers she murmured, "Its ok Spencer, you're safe here. If you want to stop we can, if you want to talk I'm here."

I blinked back more tears and took a shaky breath, "He tried to…uh…he tried to rape me Chels. He would have if Ashley hadn't turned up and beaten the shit out of him with a broom of all things."

Chelsea stared at me with a look of horror on her face before she pulled me into her arms. I sunk into her embrace and sobbed, again. It was funny, but I didn't mind Chelsea touching me. I had been recoiling from physical contact with everyone else, but that night I craved it. I needed the comfort that only an embrace could provide. If I was honest with myself what I really wanted was to be in Ashley's arms again, but I had fucked that up.

Once my wracking sobs were under control I looked up at Chelsea, half expecting a look of disgust or maybe blame. Instead all I saw was understanding, sympathy and love. "Spencer did you tell the police?" Chelsea asked in a quiet voice. I just shook my head. "Ashley didn't make you call the cops?!"

I gave a harsh little laugh, "You really think anyone could have made me if I didn't want to? She tried though. She tried to be there for me, to help me and all I did was push her away and destroy what we could have had."

"What do you mean you destroyed what you could have had? What happened Spence?" Chelsea asked in a soft voice.

"I told her we couldn't be together. I can't be what she needs Chels. She deserves so much more than I am able to give her. She deserves someone who isn't so broken, someone who isn't me with all my issues and baggage. I love her Chels. I've never felt like this before, and that's only after one date. I just know that I can't make her happy, not right now, not the way I am," I muttered, looking at the floor.

"Oh Spencer! I don't believe that. I've only seen you and Ashley together once and it was so clear how much she cares about you and I know how much you already love her. I bet this is killing her, knowing that you're hurting so badly and not being able to help. Spencer you are one of the strongest, most amazing women I know. You will get past this, you will. Just please don't push Ashley away or you might realise that you've lost her for good. Just let her in Spencer, you owe her that much," Chelsea said in the most serious tone I had ever heard from her.

I buried my face in my hands, too exhausted to even cry. I was completely drained. "I don't know what to do anymore Chels. It's all so fucked up. I love her and I am terrified that I am going to lose her. I know what I want and that's to be ok so that I can be with her. Problem is I don't know how to be ok any more."

Chelsea grabbed my wrists and moved my hands away from my face, "Ok Spencer you want to know what to do? Well here it is. You are going to come with me to the police station right now. My Uncle Vic is working today and you can talk to him, he's a detective and he will make sure you're treated right. Spence I'm not letting you withdraw into yourself again, not this time. I hated myself for the fact that I couldn't reach you after you and Carmen broke up, obviously I didn't know the whole story at the time, but I still should have done more. I won't make the same mistake this time. Get up we're going!"

I shook my head as a look of horror spread across my face, "No Chels, I can't. It was brutal last time and I can't go through it all again. Plus there is no proof, so it's a waste of time."

"Bullshit it's a waste of time! Do you want Tom doing this to another woman?" I shook my head violently, "I didn't think so. Now get up, we're going!" Chelsea ordered as she grabbed my hand and dragged me to my feet. I meekly followed her, too fucking tired to fight anymore.

The ride to the police station was a blur I stared out the window of her car deep in thought. I couldn't believe I was actually going to report Tom. I was so scared of what this was going to do to me, but I knew Chelsea wouldn't let me let Tom get away with what he'd done. Part of me agreed completely and wanted him to pay for all he had cost me and I wanted to prevent other women going through what I had, the other part of me was terrified of going through it all, the process of reporting it, the investigation and maybe a trial.

The next thing I knew I was in an interview room talking to Chelsea's Uncle Vic, or Detective Lewis as he was known at work. He was a kind man in his late forties with the friendliest smile I had ever seen. You could tell he was going out of his way to try and make me feel at ease, an impossible task given the circumstances.

"So Spencer, take your time and tell me exactly what happened when Mr. Tom Brooks came to your apartment the morning of the 9th," Detective Lewis asked with a kind smile.

I took a deep breath and began talking. I told him everything. From the second I opened my door to find Tom there to the moment I heard the front door slam as he left after Ashley beat the shit out of him. It was hard to talk about it, often I had to stop as tears overwhelmed me.

The detective took some notes and frowned, "Spencer what Tom did to you is a serious crime, I have to ask why didn't you report it sooner?"

I looked down at the grey metal table in front of me, "I've been through something like this before. You'll have it on file somewhere I'm sure. I was…I was raped about two years ago by my girlfriend at the time. Even though my mother was able to keep that incident out of the public eye going through the interviews and stuff with the police was so hard, I didn't know if I could do it again."

The detective smiled at me with understanding, "Yeah I get that, these investigations can be rough and pretty intrusive. I promise you Spencer we'll do everything in our power to make sure Tom pays for what he has done to you. In the mean time we'll see about getting a restraining order to keep him away from you. We're also going to want to speak to Ashley Davies as she was a witness to what happened. Do you think you could give her my card and get her to come and see me?"

"Yeah I can do that, I'll be seeing her tomorrow night. Is that ok?" I asked tentatively.

"That's fine Spencer, we'll go and see Tom tomorrow and start doing some investigating and then Ashley can call me on Monday and we'll sort out a time to get her in to give a statement. If you need anything, anything at all I want you to call me, ok?" Detective Lewis said with a warm grin.

I nodded and gave him a tired, but grateful smile. He excused himself and left the room. A minute later Chelsea came in and just wrapped her arms around me. I sighed tiredly and murmured, "Can you take me home now please?"

Chelsea nodded and got to her feet. I followed suit and let her lead me from the police station. Once we got to my place Chelsea walked me up the stairs and made sure I was settled in bed before she headed home. I had to practically kick her out when she insisted on staying. I really just needed a moment to be alone so that I could process everything that had happened that day.

I couldn't believe I had actually gone to the police. I have to admit I was damn proud of myself for doing it though. Chelsea was right, I didn't want to risk Tom hurting anyone else. Plus a restraining order would give me some peace of mind.

I sat up in bed and hugged my arms around myself with a small smile. I had taken a huge step tonight, a step forward no less. I was looking forward to telling Ashley and Julian, it would make both of them happy.

I glanced over at the clock on my bedside table, it was 4am but I knew there was a call I had to make. Someone who needed to know what had happened to me. Someone who had been kept out of the loop last time, which I wouldn't do again this time.

I scooped up my cordless phone and dialed a familiar number. A very groggy voice answered, "_Hello?_"

"Hey Dad its Spencer," I murmured down the line.

"_Spencer? Honey what__'__s wrong?_" My Dad asked, instantly alert and very concerned.

"Dad there's something I need to tell you. Daddy something happened last week…" I trailed off as tears filled my eyes.

"_Ok Honey stay where you are and I__'__ll come to you. Are you at home?_" He asked.

"Uh huh. You don't have to come Dad, I know it's late," I mumbled through tears.

"Doesn't matter what time it is Spencer, I'll be there as soon as I can. Love you kiddo," My Dad said.

"I love you too." I murmured. I heard my Dad hang up the phone and dragged myself out of bed. I threw on a robe and wandered down to the kitchen to get some coffee on the go. I had a feeling we might need it.

I was just pulling my hair into a messy ponytail when I heard my Dad's familiar knock on my door. Ever since we were little my Dad insisted on knocking a certain way so that we would always know it was him and not open the door to a stranger. I unlocked the door and fell into my Dad's arms before he could even step over the threshold. He held me close, dropping kisses on the top of my head. It was comforting in a way that only a parent's arms can be.

I let him lead me over to my sofa and sit me down. He went and closed the door before heading into the kitchen and making each of us a coffee. He came back and sat beside me on the sofa, handing me a coffee made just right.

"Ok Sweetie do you want to tell me what's going on?" He asked kindly.

I sighed and took a sip of the hot liquid, "Yeah it's just hard to talk about Dad. I guess I should just say it." He smiled kindly and took my hand in his, giving it a comforting squeeze. "Well you know that Tom and I broke up, hell you went with me to his house after he released that damn video, which feels like a lifetime ago..."

Over the next half an hour or so I told my Dad everything. I told him what had happened on my date with Ashley (leaving out the kissing, that is the kind of information my father didn't need to hear) and then what had happened with Tom the morning after. I was also open and honest about the way I had been treating Ashley since then. I have never seen my father go so pale so quickly. He grabbed me and pulled me into the tightest of embraces. When I pulled back I saw tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Oh Dad," I sighed and then felt my own tears falling. I snuggled back into his arms and let him rock me like he did when I was a child.

"Spence I am so sorry I didn't protect you from this. Twice someone has hurt my little girl and that is two times too many. Please tell me you told the police," He said huskily as his tears continued to fall.

"I did, tonight. I know I should have done it sooner, but I couldn't stand the thought of going through it all again after last time. I went to Chelsea and Clay's after the show and told Chels everything, before tonight only Ashley and Julian knew. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner Dad," I cried.

"Oh Honey don't worry about that, all that matters is that you've told me now I will help you through this. Spencer I know you aren't going to like this idea but I'd like you to consider seeing a counselor. There is a lady at work who specialises in working with women who have been victims of violence or sexual assault, I think she could help you to cope after all you've endured." Dad said still hugging me close.

I thought about it for a second and smiled a little, "Ok Dad I think it's a good idea, can you set that up for me?"

Dad smiled down at me, "I'm proud of you Baby and I'll call her tomorrow and get a time for you to see her next week."

I snuggled into my Dad's arms, feeling safe and almost ok for the first time since what had happened. I was taking steps to fix things in my life and it felt incredible. My Dad held me tight and gently stroked my hair. Before long I was fast asleep.

I woke up the next morning snuggled in my bed with the delicious smell of bacon wafting down the hall from the kitchen. I glanced over at the clock and almost died when I realised it was after 1! I had no idea I had slept so long.

I climbed out of bed and slipped my robe on, Dad must have taken it off when he put me into bed last night. I padded down the hall and found my Dad cooking breakfast with Glen sitting at the counter. I walked in and both of them glanced up at me with beaming smiles.

"Hey sleeping beauty, nice of you to finally join us!" Glen teased as he jumped out of his seat and gave me a big hug, which I welcomed. I actually felt ok being hugged and wasn't flinching away from physical contact like I had been. I mean it's not like I wanted to go around getting hugged and stuff by everyone, but I could deal with a bit of physical contact from my loved ones and that was progress.

"Hey Glen, you here for a reason or did you just smell Dad's cooking from downstairs?" I asked as we took a seat at the counter.

"Dad called me this morning and said it might be nice if we had breakfast, or a late lunch going by what time it is." Glen answered.

I looked over at my Dad who gave me a meaningful look. I smiled and nodded, I knew it was time to stop hiding.

Over breakfast I told my big brother what had happened to me. Dad had to actually hold Glen back from going to find Tom. I love that my brother is so protective but I wanted Tom to be punished legally not in a way that would see my brother behind bars.

Once he'd calmed down, which took a while, Glen hugged me within an inch of my life for about ten minutes. "Spencer I'm installing a security chain on your door and putting in a peep hole oh and hiring a body guard," Glen said seriously.

"Um Glen I don't think I need a body guard, but thanks. The police are putting a restraining order against Tom so that he can't come anywhere near me and I doubt he'll try anything again after the beating Ashley gave him," I explained.

"Ok, but I'm still putting up that chain and peep hole!" Glen announced. I smiled and nodded.

We helped Dad clean the kitchen and then I told them to leave, I asked nicely I swear. I had to get ready for the gig tonight and needed some time to get prepared. It had been a rather intense time for me and I needed to get my focus on the music.

Reluctantly my Dad and Glen left, both ordering me to call them anytime if I needed to and both promising to be at the gig tonight. Glen was a tad reluctant to step into a rival venue and Dad was concerned he would stand out and people would think he was a creepy old guy looking to pick up some younger girls. That made me laugh as I shooed them out.

I really was so lucky when it came to the people in my life. They loved me unconditionally (aside from Paula) and stood by me without question. It was time I started to let them in.

I got ready, packed a change of clothes and headed down to my car, which my Dad had gone and picked up from Clay and Chelsea's while I was asleep. I then drove across town to the club, Soliloquy, where we would be performing later that night in front of a huge crowd and a potential manager.

I was parking my car when I noticed Ashley leaning against the outside wall of the club looking over at me. She looked like she hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, my fault I'm sure. As I got out I saw her walk over.

"Hi Ash," I murmured as she got close.

"Hey Spence, um I'm sorry I just took off on you like that last night. It was pretty childish of me really," She mumbled.

"I think I've run off on you more than once so it's ok Ashley. It was actually good for me I think. After you left I talked to Kate…"

Ashley cut me off, "Please don't tell me you're getting back together with her? I honestly think that might kill me."

I laughed at the absurdity of that, "Um no not at all. She just gave me some advice that kind of hit home. She's been there with me so I guess she knows a bit of what I'm putting you through, of course the situation is some what different now."

"Yeah it is. God I drove around for hours last night just thinking about all this and then went home to think some more. Spencer I can't keep going in circles with you, I love you and want to help please just let me help," Ashley pleaded.

I nodded and was about to answer when Julian came out and called for us to get our butts inside so we could get the rehearsal underway. I sighed in frustration, fucking Julian and is interrupting ways, and smiled at Ashley, "How about we finish this conversation after the show tonight?"

"Ok Spencer," Ashley said softly. I took her hand in mine, surprising her with the contact, and led her inside. I couldn't see her face but I could practically feel her smiling.

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**The next chapter will have the gig at Soliloquy and then the conclusion of the conversation between Spencer and Ashley.**

**Thanks to all who are loyally reading and/or reviewing this story.**


	20. By Your Side

**As always thank you for the wonderful reviews.**

**DarceLynn, Becci2009, nightwish fan, drummergirl244, mischevious1, lilce1992 & LoveAsh87 – Thank you for your wonderful reviews!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – You can have Chelsea, that's my gift to you! Thanks Rock Star**

**somthgIlike2do – Yep so Spencer's support team! Spencer's light is starting to get brighter**

**ashleylphl – Thank you! I've said it before and I'll say it again tears are a compliment!**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Thanks, security for Spencer seemed needed lol**

**WillowOn3 – Ash is totally heaven sent, that's why we love her! Thanks Honey!**

**mutt009 – Yep Spencer stepped up big time, she still has a way to go though, and thanks again for the music suggestions! You are awesome**

**uluvme – Sorry for the Carmen comment, I couldn't resist! Oh yeah Julian the moment ruiner lol**

**Palexobsessed – Aw thanks, tears are better than applause…although applause is welcomed as is gifts and ego boosting reviews!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty – By Your Side**

Ashley's POV

I let Spencer lead me by the hand into the club. Her soft skin felt wonderful against my own and I never wanted to let her go. Once we got inside Julian took Spencer's bass from me, took it out of its case and plugged it in and then did the same with her violin. We all exchanged warm greetings and voiced our excitement about the coming performance.

I caught Julian's eyes as he subtly pointed at Spencer's and my joined hands. I just smiled a little unsurely over at him. I wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but I was grateful for the contact all the same. Spencer gave my hand a squeeze before she dropped it and walked over to her bass. "Ok so should we get to work?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah we should, let's do a run through," Jen agreed as she played chop sticks on her keyboard, which made us all giggle. I picked up my guitar and slung the strap over my shoulder. I strummed a few cords to check if it was tuned and nodded at Julian.

"Ok ladies and Grey, let's do a little warm up!" We ran through some scales and cords on our instruments. Spencer, Julian and I also rang through some vocal scales to get our voiced warmed up. Even just singing simple scales Spencer's voice was absolutely angelic.

Once we were all warmed up we jumped right into a rehearsal of the songs we'd be performing that night. The set was basically the same as the one we'd done the night before at Pella with one or two of the song's positions being changed in the line up.

We were just finishing our last song, when the sound of enthusiastic applause caught our attention. We all turned to see this tall, well dressed man leaning against the bar. He had to have been at least 6 foot 5 and his body had not an ounce of fat on it. His head was completely bald and his warm chocolate eyes shone brightly at us, almost the same colour as his skin. For want of a better word the guy was beautiful.

He walked forward flashing us a blinding smile, "Hello there, my name's Derek Cavanaugh. That was really very good. I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes tonight in front of a crowd."

I looked over at Spencer and caught her eye. She looked as confused as I felt. Julian put down his guitar and jumped down off the stage, "Mr. Cavanaugh, it's a pleasure to meet you. Guys this is the manager I told you was coming to see us play tonight."

I guess Julian forgot to mention the guy's name when he was filling us in. Note to self, Julian is not so good with the details. We all stepped away from our instruments and hopped down from the stage to go and stand beside Julian.

"You must be Julian, it's great to meet you too, oh and call me Derek. My friend, who owns this fine establishment, saw you play at Pella a few weeks ago and then called me. Now he has a great eye for new talent and knows I'm always on the look out so I told him to book you guys to play here and I'd come and take a look. So Julian can you introduce me to the rest of the band?" Derek said kindly. I was getting a really good vibe off this guy.

"Sorry Derek, this is Grey who plays drums, Jen who plays the keyboard, Spencer who plays the bass and violin and Ashley our lead guitarist." Julian introduced. We each shook hands with Derek, who had a firm, but not aggressive handshake. My father always used to tell me that you could tell a lot about a man by the way he shakes your hand. Derek's was confident but not cocky, I had a feeling I was going to like him.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all. And I have to ask, where did you come up with the name Fear Itself?" Derek asked with a beaming smile.

We all chuckled and looked to Spencer, it was her story to tell, "Well the name actually comes from my tattoo. I was at my first ever jam session with the band, I wasn't officially in the band yet, but Julian was working to get me in there, despite my reservations as I was working as a classical violinist in an orchestra. Ashley, if I recall also wasn't that keen to bring in a new band member," Spencer flashed me a grin and continued, "After we'd played for a while I was lying on a sofa and Ashley caught sight of my tattoo. She announced that it would be a good name for the band. We all agreed and I officially joined the band." I noticed how she left out the part where I'd traced my fingers over the ink on her hip. I could still feel the sensation of her skin under my fingers.

Derek chuckled, "That is a great story, can I ask where the tat is?"

Spencer smiled and raised her tank top a bit so expose the tattoo on her right hip. My fingers itched to reach out and trace the ink with my fingertips like I'd done at that first jam session. In a word that tattoo is hot.

"That's one great tat Spencer and that story is one of those little tidbits that are great to put out there when selling a band or artist. Look at Pink, the story behind her stage name is great!" Derek said excitedly.

We all grinned at him and kept sneaking excited glances at each other. This was looking promising. Derek chatted to us for a bit longer and then excused himself to make some calls before the show.

Once he was gone we all turned to each other and beamed. Spencer jumped into Julian's arms and he spun her around. I hadn't seen her like this in a damn long time. "Shit this is brilliant! My God guys, this could be it!" Julian shrieked (oh yes he shrieked) as he spun Spencer around. She laughed in the most beautiful carefree way, which made the rest of us laugh too.

We headed back stage to the room they set aside for us to prepare in and sat around talking excitedly. It seemed we'd all gotten the same positive vibe off the guy. This could be huge for us! This could be out much sort after 'big break'.

Julian regaled us with all the info he'd managed to find out about Derek and let me say he has a rather impressive resume. If this guy liked us and wanted to manage us, we could really go places and get our music out there.

We spent the next few hours relaxing and getting ready for the show. With about half an hour to go we all got changed into our rocker disguises and got ready to head on stage. As usual Spencer was looking gorgeous. She pulled of the rock look really well. That night she was wearing dark blue, ripped jeans which sat low on her hips, with a tight black tank top which showed off her toned abs and tattoo. On her feet she wore her Converses, black and white check ones this time, and her wrists were adorned with black leather cuffs. Her long blonde hair was back in a ponytail and her eyes were lined in black with smoky eye shadow making her blues eyes all the more intense.

Spencer looked up and caught me staring at her. An adorable blush coated her cheeks and she smiled shyly over at me. I just grinned back and waited to be called out to the stage.

The owner of the club stepped out onto the stage and to the microphone, "Ok ladies and gentlemen, it's my sincere pleasure to introduce Fear Itself!"

We strode out on stage to applause and some cheers. We grinned out at the audience and after Julian introduced us all we jumped into the first song.

We played hard, we poured everything into that performance we had. The songs were full of emotion and had the audience on their feet dancing and even singing with us. It was such a powerful experience. I found myself watching Spencer whenever I could, she was so free on stage and it made me fall even more in love with her.

As we neared the end of our set we played what Spencer thought was our last song. I smiled at her confusion when Julian stepped up to the microphone and said, "Just before we run off this stage I wanted to thank you all for coming out tonight, you have been amazing. For a rare treat we have one last song to play for you tonight. This was written by our very own Ashley Davies and she is going to perform it acoustically for you tonight. Take it away Ash!"

I stepped up to Julian and took a seat on a chair in the middle of the stage. I settled my guitar on my lap and beamed out at the audience, "Thanks you guys. This song is called By Your Side and it's for a very special woman. This is my way of saying that I'll always be here and I want to tell you that you're not broken, just a little damaged right now and it's all going to be alright."

I strummed the intro and saw Julian steer Spencer to the side of the stage where she would have a clear view of me. I smiled tenderly at her and began to sing.

"You think I'd leave your side baby  
You know me better than that  
You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees  
I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want  
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there  
Hold you tight to me

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in  
I will show you, you're so much better than you know  
When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again  
I will find you darling and I will bring you home

And if you want to cry  
I am here to dry your eyes  
And in no time, you'll be fine"

I felt Spencer's eyes burning into me from the side of that stage. I wanted so badly to look at her but was scared of what I was going to find. I knew I was pushing it by singing this song, but I was sick of the circles we were going in and I had to get this out there.

"You think I'd leave your side baby  
You know me better than that  
You think id leave you down when you're down on your knees  
I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want  
And if only you could see into me

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there  
Hold you tight to me  
Oh when you're low  
I'll be there by your side baby

Oh when you're cold, I'll be there  
Hold you tight to me  
Oh when you're low  
I'll be there by your side baby"

I sung the last line and strummed the last cord. The audience went crazy, much like they did after out performance at Pella the night before. I beamed out at the audience, "Thank you. Have a great night guys!" I got up and started to walk off stage.

I caught Spencer's eyes and saw her cheeks were damp with tears. She held out her hand to me, which I took instantly, which just made the crowd go even crazier. She led me back stage after the others and murmured, "You really think I'm not broken? After everything you can honestly say that I'm not?"

"I know you're not Spence, just a little damaged and I know that you'll be ok," I said softly to her.

"That song was incredible Ash…" Spencer was interrupted by Derek popping up beside her.

"On that I agree, actually all your songs are great and very marketable. How about we talk?" Derek said with a huge grin.

We nodded and followed him back to what I assumed was the owner of the clubs office. As excited as I was I really wanted to finish my conversation with Spencer too, I needed to find out where her head was at, not to mention I was eager to finish the conversation we'd started at her car that afternoon. I really wanted to know where her head was at. She seemed different today, freer somehow.

Oh well, there would be time for that. We all took a seat in the office, Spencer sat squashed between Julian and I on the sofa. Derek smiled at us and began, "Ok guys I'm interested in representing you guys and getting your music out there. I have a few contacts at a few different labels that I think would really like your sound. What I want to do is get you guys into a recording studio so that we can lay down a demo so I can send it out and try and get you guys signed. How does that sound?"

We all started talking excitedly at once, a din of excitement. "Ok guys I'll take that as you guys being interested. How about we meet early next week and get some paperwork done and get the ball rolling?" Derek suggested.

"Thanks Derek, that's amazing. We can't tell you how great this is," Julian said as he stood up to shake Derek's hand. We all followed suit and thanked Derek profusely as he left. Once he was gone we just looked at each other and then the squeals of excitement and groups hugs began.

We headed back to our makeshift dressing room to find our friends and family waiting for us. We all stood in front of our waiting loved ones and Julian bellowed out, "We got ourselves a manager!" The room broke up into cheers and we each ran to our respective loved ones. I grabbed Kyla and Aiden in a huge hug and then dragged them over to meet Spencer who was being hugged, or suffocated, by Glen and his rather pregnant girlfriend.

"Spencer I wanted to introduce you to my baby sister Kyla and her fiancé Aiden," I introduced.

Spencer detangled herself from her big brother and shook hands with them as she smiled warmly, "It's a pleasure to meet you both."

"You too Spencer, Ashley has told us a lot about you," Kyla said. I blushed and glared at her, which just made Spencer laugh.

"Oh ok now I'm scared, all good I hope?" Spencer asked with a teasing smile. I hadn't seen a teasing Spencer in far too long.

"Yeah it was all pretty good," Kyla teased, Spencer laughed again and then introduced them to her family. I got a warm hug from both Arthur and Glen which was nice, and was officially introduced to Glen's girlfriend Kate who told me she like how Spencer was when she was with me. They were good people and I knew they loved Spencer very much, so their approval of me was pretty damn important.

After a few minutes of chatting we got separated as the rest of the band came over to introduce their loved ones and to meet ours. Soon the champagne was being poured as we celebrated the latest development in out band's life. Julian toasted us and our future while we all grinned and laughed like a bunch of hyenas on meth.

I caught up with Spencer after the toasts and celebrations had started to die down, she was standing with her father, brothers, Kate and Chelsea and she looked genuinely happy. She caught my eye and said something softly to her family before making her way over to join me.

"I didn't get to tell you how much that song meant to me Ash. Your words are, as always, beautiful and even when I may not want to hear them I always need to," Spencer murmured as she smiled gently at me.

"Thank you, I just wanted you to know how I feel," I said earnestly.

Spencer nodded and then locked her eyes on mine. "You asked me a question earlier, you asked me to let you help me and I never got to give you and answer," Spencer murmured standing close to me in the crowded back room of Soliloquy.

I swallowed nervously and whispered, "So what's your answer?"

She smiled and murmured, "Ok." I hung my head, there she went pushing me away ag…hold up! She said what?

"Wait, hang on! Did you just say ok?" I asked incredulously, my mouth hanging open comically.

"Yeah I did. Yesterday was a turning point for me. I don't want to keep going in circles either Ash and I definitely don't want to go back. I don't want to push you away anymore, it's time to move forward. I'm not saying that I'm ready to jump into a relationship or anything and I still think you deserve more than this drama with me, but I'm selfish Ashley and I need you," she murmured as she stepped even closer to me.

I was silent for a moment, taking it all in. I had been waiting to hear those words from her since the attack and now that she had said them I was speechless and had no idea what to say, which was a really rare occurrence for me. Spencer looked down at the ground and bit her lower lip, a sure sign that she was nervous.

I swallowed around the soccer ball sized lump in my throat and reached out to tilt her face up so that I could look into her remarkable blue eyes. "Spencer, I told you I'd always be here and I meant it. I won't push you. You are so not selfish Blue, not at all. Thank you for letting me in."

Spencer gave me a tiny smile and murmured, "I guess it's about time isn't it," then she wrapped her arms around me. I sunk into her embrace and held her close. We stood like that for what felt like ages, but what was probably only a few minutes, before Spencer pulled away.

She fixed her eyes on mine and said with a hint of pride, "I went to the police last night Ashley. I went to Chelsea's after the show at Pella and she took me, well made me go. Her Uncle is a detective there and he was really great. I told them what Tom did to me. Um the detective asked me to give you this," she pulled a card out of her pocket and passed it to me, "he wants to get a witness statement off you if that's ok."

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently, "Of course that's ok, I'll call him and set up a time. God I am so proud of you for going to the police, it must have been so hard."

She smiled dryly, "Well it wasn't easy, but I know it was the right thing to do. I can't let him win, and I can't risk him hurting anyone else. I can't let him or Carmen or my mother ruin my life anymore. I owe it to the people that love me to not give up, my Dad always raised me to be a fighter so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight like hell to move past this."

I beamed at her, "I always knew that you were a fighter Spencer, you just had to believe it."

"I also told my Dad and Glen what happened to me," Spencer announced with a little smile on her lips.

Ok now I was speechless again, she had told her father and brother? That I was not expecting. "Wow Spencer, that's great. How'd they take it?"

"Probably exactly how you'd expect them to take it. My Dad cried and got really upset. He stayed with me last night and he's insisting I get some counselling, which I think is a good idea. Glen got angry and had to be physically restrained to stop him going to hunt Tom down and then he got all protective and announced that he's gonna fit my place with a security chain and a peep hole. He also wanted to get me a body guard but I thought that might be a little over the top," Spencer said with a smile. I had missed her smile.

"Maybe you should have let Glen hunt Tom down and I know a body guard for you would give me peace of mind." I suggested dryly.

"No I think I'll be ok without the muscle. And Tom will get what's coming to him, I don't want anyone else getting hurt over what he did to me. Let's just let the police handle it and focus on the massive performance we just had tonight," Spencer said with a warm smile.

I couldn't help but smile back. She was fighting back. My girl was fighting back. There was a way to go yet, she was far from being completely ok and I knew that there was no way we could be together until she was.

Spencer had taken a huge step forward and I was so proud of her. I was in awe of her strength and resilience. Spencer Carlin was an inspirational woman and I had a feeling that she would eventually be ok, she was not giving up and I was not giving up on her.

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**Ok so who is a little less frustrated and angry at me now? C****'****mon now let****'****s see those hands! Lol**

**The song in this chapter is By Your Side by Sade (Thank you so very much to mutt009 for suggesting it, you are a legend!)**


	21. Interrogation

**You guys are amazing, love you all for your wonderful reviews and support!**

**zmaster07 – Ah that's cool lol, truth be told the title comes from a Buffy The Vampire Slayer episoide, but it makes me sound smarter if I say it was from a Franklin Roosevelt quote so I'll run with that lol. Thanks**

**FadeToLife – Thanks so much, I can say that we have not seen the last of Paula Carlin. Once again thank you!**

**mutt009 – oh yeah our Spencer is getting there. I love that song, thanks so much for yet another awesome suggestion, you are a life saver! We are on the 'movin forward train' there may be a few detours but we're getting towards cuteness lol**

**drummergirl244 – Aw thanks. Derek (a.k.a producer guy) is so far not planned to be a bad guy…but you may have just given me an idea…jokes lol**

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – Aw thanks for taking the time the night before an exam to read and review! So glad you like where this is going**

**uluvme – hehe thanks! Aw got you giddy! That's awesome. I'm kinda proud of Spencer too!**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks, all looking up from here…for now hehe**

**WillowOn3 – Thanks so much Darlin. Not overdramatic at all, I love it! Yep you got it, slowly but surely. I love your imagination, it almost rivals mine in the dirtiness lol**

**aemcd – Thanks heaps. Loved the song suggestions btw, went and downloaded them all and am in love, especially with Fireflight!**

**somthgIlike2do – Sade does rule lol, great phantom quote, very appropriate for our girls in this fic lol**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – hehe thanks rock star! **

**Now onto chapter twenty one! (oh yeah usual disclaimer, SoN not mine…until I go to sleep and dream beautiful dreams lol)**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-One - Interrogation**

Detective Lewis' POV

I sighed in frustration as I walked out of the interview room, rubbing a hand over my eyes that were burning from fatigue. It had taken almost twelve hours for us to actually track down Tom Brooks (my money was on someone tipping him off) and now after five hours in an interview room with the man I still had jack squat to work with.

I had an instinct about these kind of things, twenty-five years in the service will do that to you, and I knew that Spencer Carlin was telling the truth and that this piece of scum sitting behind the glass in the interview room was as guilty as sin. It was now up to me to find a way to prove it and get him locked up.

I had been hearing about Spencer Carlin since she and my niece Chelsea were in kindergarten together, even met the girl a few times at graduations, Chelsea and Clay's wedding and the odd birthday party or holiday. I respected the Carlin's, well except for that Paula who I thought was a narrow minded bigot, and I genuinely liked the girl. Maybe that's why I was so determined to get this Tom guy convicted and throw him in prison for what he had done.

As soon as I had gotten Spencer's statement the night before I had looked up the file on her previous rape. It was sickening to read what that Carmen woman had done to her, not to mention the fact that she'd filmed it and then tried to release it to the entire student body of the Los Angles College of the Arts where she and Spencer were both students. That kind of act was unforgivable and people who do that sort of thing to other human beings deserve to be locked away for the rest of their lives.

It was all pretty awful to think about. From what I could tell Spencer Carlin was a friendly, kind girl who would never intentionally hurt anyone. She seemed polite, family orientated and practically a musical genius. She was a bright young woman who did not deserve the shit that had been thrown at her, not that any person ever deserved what she has had to endure.

I heard the door open behind me and turned around as my boss came in, "So Lewis, has he said anything useful or at least anything remotely truthful yet?"

"Nope sorry boss. This guy is smart and crafty. His story is plausible and if I didn't know in my gut he was lying then I'd believe him. My bet is he is a damn good lawyer because he isn't giving away a damn thing," I said with frustration evident in my voice.

"Well what is he saying?" Lieutenant Angela Morse asked as she brushed her steel grey hair back from her face and straightened the wire-rimmed glasses that were perched on her nose. She came across as a tough hard nut, but she was a damn good cop who genuinely cared about the victims she worked with.

"Not a lot Boss he just keeps saying that he was in a relationship with Miss Carlin that she ended about two weeks ago when she left him for another woman. He claims he went round to pick some stuff up from her place but it wasn't there and then she seduced him and panicked when her girlfriend showed up and that's when she accused him of attacking her. He won't say anything else," I answered her with a hint of disbelief in my voice. I wasn't buying a word of this Tom's bullshit.

"Hmm well if that's the story he's sticking to let's try and get the evidence to prove him wrong. I wish Miss Carlin had called us right away, then maybe we'd have some physical evidence to work with, but given what that poor girl has been through I really can't say I blame her. Have you heard from that witness yet?" Lieutenant Morse asked as she watched Tom through the window as he sat calmly at the table and looked at the door with a bored expression on his face.

"Nope not yet Ma'am should hear from her tomorrow and then I'll get her in so we can get her statement. I called Miss Carlin's brother Glen this afternoon, he owns the building she lives in and there are cameras on the outside of the building so he's getting those tapes for us and I have him coming in tomorrow too. I also called her father and he's coming in tomorrow morning first thing to give us a statement. I thought it'd be good to get some info about Spencer and Tom's relationship," I explained.

She nodded and said, "Ok then, good. Now get back in there and see what else you can get from Mr Brooks. If he won't give you anything else let him go, have him watched and we'll keep digging."

"Yes Ma'am," I said as I picked up a fresh cup of coffee and my notes before I walked back into the interview room. I was determined that this guy was not getting away with what he had done. I would get this guy convicted if it was the last thing I did.

Tom's POV

I got a tip off this morning from an old friend of my Dad's that the cops were looking for me in connection with an attempted rape so I high tailed it and hid in a cabin belonging to a colleague from work. I thought I'd be fine there, that the cops would never find me. Sadly I was wrong, I underestimated this detective, a mistake I would not be making again. They turned up pretty late in the afternoon and dragged me into the station to question me about the incident with Spencer.

I have to say I'm surprise the bitch actually had the balls to go and report what happened, I bet someone had to talk her into it. Not that it matters whether she did or didn't. I will not be charged, besides her little girlfriend witnessing it, there is no evidence and really who is going to take the word of that conniving little dyke over the word of me, a well respected Lawyer from a good family. The answer is no one. Spencer will live to regret fucking with me.

I can't believe I actually felt bad about releasing that damn video of her. She deserves that and worse. She had destroyed my life with her perversion and now seemed intent on finishing the job by trying to get me locked up, when I hadn't really done anything wrong. If she thinks I'm done with her then she has another thing coming.

My attention was torn from my thoughts when that cop came back in. He sat his coffee cup down on the table and sat heavily on a chair across from me, nice of him to offer me a cup. He shuffled through his notes for a moment and then looked up at me with a glare. "So Tom you ready to tell me the truth about what happened that morning at Spencer's apartment?"

"I already told you detective. I went around to Spencer's apartment to pick up some clothes and stuff I'd left there while we were still dating. Spencer let me in and then told me she had thrown all the stuff out. She went down to her room and I followed her, thinking maybe I'd find some of my things. When I walked in she dropped the towel she had wrapped around her and told me she missed me and was sorry she'd broken up with me. We were getting into it when her new girlfriend showed up. Spencer freaked and started screaming that I was trying to attack her, I think she was just worried what her new little playmate would think if she knew Spencer still wanted me. Next thing I knew that crazy girl Ashley was hitting me with a broom and yelling at me. I left after that, didn't want to be abuse any more. She's damn lucky I didn't press charges for assault," I said with a smug grin on my face.

"That's not what Spencer says. According to her report you tried to force intercourse on her after she repeatedly told you to stop and asked you to leave. She has a witness to collaborate her story, do you?" Detective Lewis said with a cold look on his face.

For some reason that cop was looking familiar to me, maybe I'd seen him in court or something. "No I don't. Look detective, Spencer can say what she wants but it doesn't change the fact that there is no evidence to back up her story. Ashley only saw what Spencer wanted her to see and if she's you're only evidence then this case won't even make it to court. Now unless you're going to charge me, can I please go? I have been very cooperative and now I'd just like to go home," I sneered.

"Fine you can go, after we get some finger prints and do some paper work," The detective snapped, clearly running out of patience.

"Finger prints will be useless Detective Lewis, I dated her for about four months and was frequently in her apartment so there will be finger prints of mine all over her place," I said in a pretty condescending tone, this cop was really irritating me.

"Well I like to be thorough Tom, so if you'll indulge me and then we can let you go," the detective said with barely concealed anger. I liked that I was getting to him.

"Of course detective, you do have a job to do after all," I said with a smirk. We sat in silence for a moment and then this uniformed cop came and took me away to do the paper work shit, you know getting me to sign the statement and all that. Then I had to give them some finger prints and get the talk about not leaving the state…cops are so predictable.

As soon as they let me go I strode out of there, eager to go home and wash the stench of the police station off me. I had just walked out the front door of the police station when I heard a voice snarl angrily, "So yet more disappointment and shame for the family huh Thomas. You really ballsed up this time boy!"

I spun around to see my father glaring at my with his hands clenched into tight fists. I had seen him angry before, but never like this. He was absolutely livid. I swallowed nervously and said, "It's all a mistake father, it will get cleared up I promise."

My father scoffed and took a step closer to me so that he could grab my arm in a vice like grip. He dragged me with him until we were around the side of the police station, out of sight of any unwanted attention. My father really did hate scandal.

"Thomas do you think I'm stupid?! The police called me looking for you and told me what they're questioning you about. I didn't want to believe it boy, but you are just about deranged enough to try and force yourself on a girl now aren't you?" My father snapped. I looked at him confused. He was the one who told me I wasn't a man for turning Spencer gay and all I did was show her how much of a man I was, I was trying to show her that she wasn't gay that she was just brainwashed.

"Father…" I began only to be silenced by him punching me hard on the jaw, which was still pretty tender from the beating that Ashley gave me. I staggered under the blow and looked back at him completely shocked. He had never struck me before, it scared me that I had pushed him to this level of anger.

"I don't care what kind of sick perversions that Carlin girl is involved in that does not justify attacking her. Not only can you turn a woman gay but you are such a pathetic excuse for a human being that you can only get a woman by force. You make me sick Thomas. If you thought I would throw my money and influence into this fight to get you off then you were sorely mistaken Thomas. From this moment on you are no longer my son. Do you understand me boy?! You are on your own. You have brought enough shame and disgrace to our family and I won't let you drag us down with you," My father snarled before turning on his heel and storming off.

I leant back against the wall, numb. I had no fucking clue what to do next, all I did know was that all of this was Spencer Carlin's fault. She was going to pay for this, mark my words, she would pay.

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Spencer's POV

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after my talk with Ashley. It felt so good to actually be open and honest with her, to let her in. I kind of felt like an idiot for pushing her away, given how good I felt letting her in. I remember reading something once on a card. It read, 'If you don't let people in, you aren't giving them a chance to love you enough.' That statement didn't hold much meaning for me until all this.

We didn't talk too much after our conversation, we just held hands and went back inside to our loved ones. That's all I needed in that moment, just to feel her with me and to know that she was there. It was going to take a while, lots of baby steps forward and probably far too many steps back, but I would be ok. I had a feeling that eventually I would ok.

After the celebration had died down and we had said goodbye to our loved ones and band members I was walking out to my car with Ashley when my cell rang. I put my violin case on the ground and flicked open my phone, "Hello?" I answered.

"_Hello, Spencer this is Detective Lewis,"_ The detective said in his deep, kind voice.

"Hi detective, how are you?" I asked as Ashley turned to me with a questioning look on her beautiful face.

"_Not so great Spencer, look I won't beat around the bush here, we questioned Tom today and he is denying that it was attempted rape. Look we figured we wouldn't get a confession out of him anyway so this doesn't really change anything. We'll be investigating this as thoroughly as we can, we'll find the proof and get this guy put away. I guess that leads me to why I'm calling you, I was wondering if you'd spoken to Miss Davies yet? It's really important we speak to her." _The detective explained.

I froze on the spot and Ashley looked at me with concern. I reached out a hand and grasped hers tightly, needing her with me in that moment. "Ok detective, um I did talk to Ashley, in fact I have her here with me now if you want to talk to her," I murmured. Ashley looked at me questioningly.

"_Yeah Spencer if that's ok can you put her on the phone please,"_ the detective asked me. I held the phone out to Ashley who put down my bass case and took the offered phone.

"It's Detective Lewis, the one who is doing the investigation into what happened. He wants to talk to you," I said softly.

Ashley gave me a gentle smile and raised the phone to her ear. "Hello detective." She nodded a lot as she listened to what Detective Lewis was saying, keeping her hand in mine and her eyes locked on my face.

"Sure Detective, I can come by first thing in the morning if you like….yeah 9am is fine with me….yes Spencer gave me your card….ok great I'll be there in the morning….Thank you Detective." I listened to Ashley's side of the conversation, giving her hand a gentle squeeze as she said her goodbyes and hung up.

"I'm going into the police station tomorrow morning to give my statement. The Detective sounds like a good guy," Ashley said handing me back my phone.

"Yeah he is. Thanks for doing this, you know going to the police," I murmured, dropping her hand as we reached my car.

"Hey nothing to thank me for Spence, I want to see Tom get his. He deserves to rot for what he has done, actually he deserves more than that. I want to know that you're safe and I can't know that until he is locked up and can't hurt you anymore," Ashley said softly as we put my bass and violin into my trunk.

Once both instruments were safely stowed away we stood awkwardly at my driver's side door. We were in a strange kind of limbo really, more than friends but not quite lovers. It was surreal. I cleared my throat and began to talk, just to break the silence that had descended on us, "Um I think my Dad and Glen are going to the police station tomorrow too. And I think they're going to contact Paula too, I wonder what she's going to think of all this. So you're going in the morning right? I hope they don't keep you long, you know so you can…"

I was silenced by a soft finger pressing against my lips, "Blue you're rambling," Ashley murmured with a warm smile. "Spencer I know all this is pretty strange right now and that everything must be pretty overwhelming for you, I just want you to know you can talk to me about it any time you need to ok?" Ashley asked, still smiling warmly at me.

"Thanks Ash, that means a lot. You know it's been a pretty full on twenty-hours and all I want right now is my bed and about twelve hours of sleep," I said, stifling a yawn.

"Ok Spence, go home and get some sleep. Is it ok if I stop by after I've been to the police station tomorrow? I mean if you don't have plans or anything that is," Ashley asked shyly. I kind of liked her shy.

"Yeah that'd be good. I have no plans tomorrow aside from a huge pile of laundry that is in desperate need of washing and an apartment that needs some serious cleaning," I said rolling my eyes and earning a small chuckle from Ashley.

"Ok great. I'll give you a call as I'm leaving the police station. Um I guess this is good night then," Ashley bit her lower lips and looked up into my eyes.

I swallowed and gave her a tiny smile, "Yeah it is. Uh thanks again for, well everything. I really don't deserve you."

"One day you are going to have to stop believing that Spencer. You deserve only good things and I think that this thing between us, whatever it may be, is a damn good thing," Ashley murmured. I looked down at the ground before stepping back towards my car.

"I don't know about that, but whether I deserve you or not I am glad you're here," I leaned in and gave her a brief hug before pulling back, smiling shyly and getting into the car. "Good night Ash," I murmured.

"Night Blue," She whispered.

I started my car and pulled away from the curb, watching her as her eyes followed my car down the road. I kept my eyes on her until I turned the corner and could no longer see her in my rear view mirror.

Wow it had been a rather intense week and a bit. So much had happened, so much had changed. I was still reeling from it all, truth be told, and would be for a while yet. All I knew was that I couldn't hide myself away any more, it wasn't helping and certainly didn't make me any happier.

I knew the coming months were going to be hard, I knew that my resolve to fight would be tested and that I would often have to resist the urge to withdraw into myself. I was going to be tested and tried in ways that I hadn't been before after what happened with Carmen. This time I was not going to be hidden from it all by the protection of Paula's contacts. The difference was that this time I had a group of people who loved and supported me, who would stand with me and not let me disappear when things got too hard.

This time I wasn't alone.

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**So what do ya think? Reviews make me a happy writer (which then makes me post faster, yeah that's right I'll resort to emotional blackmail to get reviews lol)**


	22. Feel The Music

**You guys all deserve a hug and a cookie for your wonderful reviews! **

**Life-Live-Love-Learn – You're very welcome, I'm glad it was able to distract you for a while. I hope everything is ok now. Thanks for your kind words, they mean so much**

**WillowOn3 – I don't want to rush getting Spashley back together, after what Spencer has been through it felt unrealistic to have them jumping back into a relationship too soon. I will try my bestest to spare you further tears, thanks honey**

**FadeToLife – Thanks heaps, I thought that Spencer vaguely knowing the detective might make it easier for her to actually report what happened.**

**aemcd – Thanks! Tom was written to piss people off, even writing him makes me angry. Those were some great song suggestions so if you ever have any more I'd love to hear them!**

**uluvme – yeah Tom seems to inspire people to want to commit acts of violence. Yeah Tom is a nasty piece of work and or course he tried to deflect the blame onto Spencer. You're right Spashley can only get better…unless I decide to be mean again lol, jokes!**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – lol I feel your hatred of Tom jumping off the screen. **

**drummergirl244 – Aw sorry I made you wait so long you got withdrawals lol, hope this takes away the shaking and sweating lol**

**somthgIlike2do – Hmm yep Tom is both dense and spoiled. I think you have been reading my mind, your review had quite a few of my potential ideas in it lol**

**mutt009 – Wow feeling the Tom hatred, he'll get his…**

**HBob – Wow thanks, glad I got you hooked! Glad you liked the songs, music is huge part of this story. Ah looking forward to some romance huh? That I may be able to deliver…**

**DarceLynn – Yeah Tom was meant to be hated and I'm glad you liked Mr. Brooks slugging him, it felt right lol**

**ashleylphl – Thanks, yep on the road to recovery indeed. If you ever want music ideas I am more than happy to help, I could talk music all day everyday! I love that Brand New song, definitely a fixture on my Ipod lol.**

**LoveAsh87 – Thank you**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, yeah I'm sad about it too!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Two - Feel The Music**

Ashley's POV

I took a deep breath and pushed open the heavy front door of the police station. I straightened my shirt nervously and wandered up to the imposing police officer at the front desk. "Um excuse me, I am here to see Detective Lewis, my names Ashley Davies," I said.

The desk cop looked up at me with an expression of intense disinterest, "Ah yeah he's expecting you. Have a seat and he'll be right out." I didn't bother thanking him and took a seat on the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room. I was pretty eager to tell the police what I had seen, anything that would help put that piece of shit behind bars.

I was staring into space when a tall man with a big smile came over to me, "Miss Davies?"

I snapped my head up to look at him and got to my feet, "Yeah, Detective Lewis?"

"That's me. How about we get this over with ok?" He asked kindly. I nodded at followed him into the belly of the police station where the interview rooms were. It was kinda weird, I felt like I was on one of those cop shows like Law and Order or something.

Detective Lewis led me into the room and then disappeared to get us some coffees, it was 9 am on a Sunday morning so coffee was definitely required. There were very few reasons that I would get out of bed before noon on a Sunday, and helping Spencer was definitely one of them.

I was sitting watching the clock when Detective Lewis came back in. He smiled and handed over my coffee. "Ashley I wanted to thank you for agreeing to speak to me, if we want any shot at getting Tom convicted then your statement is going to be vital. Ok so here's what we'll do. I'm going to record our conversation and take some notes. We'll get you yo sign off on your statement, declaring that you're telling the truth, which I'm sure you will," Detective Lewis said kindly.

"Ok sure, I just want to help in any way I can," I replied.

"Thank you Ashley," Detective Lewis flick on a tape recorder and rattled off the date and time, "Interview with Miss Ashley Davies. Ok Ashley could you please tell me your relationship with Spencer Carlin?"

_Hmm, that question has a pretty complicated answer,_ I thought to myself. "Well Spencer and I are in a band together and are friends. We dated, well went on one date, but all that got put on hold after what happened with Tom. If I'm honest I am in love with her, but we aren't a couple," I answered, trying to simplify what felt like a very complicated relationship.

"Thank you. Ok Ashley can you please tell me, in your own words what happened the morning of the 9th when you went around to Spencer's apartment," Detective Lewis asked.

"Sure, well we had band practice that morning, preparing for some gigs we had coming up, so I went around to Spencer's apartment to pick her up so we could go to rehearsal together. I walked up the stairs to her apartment and found the front door standing open. It immediately made me concerned. It wasn't like Spencer to just leave her door open," I paused and took a deep breath the next part was going to be really hard to talk about.

"I uh, I heard Spencer scream, she sounded so scared, and then the sound became suddenly muffled. I was so petrified that something really awful was happening to her so I ran into her place, I dropped my bag and flowers I had brought for her on the sofa. I saw a broom leaning against the wall and grabbed it, just in case. I ran down the hall way to her bedroom. The door was open and I could see…I could see Tom Brooks pressing Spencer against the wall, kissing her roughly while she struggled and tried to fight him off. She was naked and crying, fuck…I uh…I."

I had to stop talking as tears filled my eyes, making it difficult to speak. The image of Spencer looking so terrified as Tom pressed into her would forever haunt me and it was extremely hard to talk about.

"Take your time Ashley, I know this cannot be easy to talk about," Detective Lewis said with a smile of infinite understanding.

I sighed, "No it's not. I just keep picturing it and it makes the fear I felt that morning come rushing back. God that morning was horrifying. I screamed at Tom to get away from her. I saw that his pants were undone and that he was trying to force her legs open. After I screamed at Tom Spencer's eyes snapped open and caught mine. She just looked so damn scared, it made me want to cry. Tom said something about how Spencer wanted it, that she wanted what he was doing to her. He wouldn't move away from her and kept laughing so I hit him with the broom." I stopped, overwhelmed with memories.

"Ok Ashley, what happened next?" The Detective prompted.

I licked my dry lips and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee. I cleared my throat and began to talk again, "Well once I hit him he was a bit dazed so Spencer was able to grab her towel from the floor and run to stand behind me. She was so scared that she was trembling. Me and Tom were yelling at each other. He said that what was happening was none of my business. I told him that anything to do with Spencer was my business. Tom was being so smug, like he could do anything to Spencer and it was ok. I told him to stay away from her and then hit him again with the broom. I wanted him to stay away from Spencer so I hit him again. He left then saying that Spencer would eventually go back to him."

I felt tears running down my cheeks, but made no move to wipe them off. I had been holding so much inside since that morning and talking about it all just brought it all to the surface. Detective Lewis handed me a box of tissues and I started to mop up my tears.

After a few moments I choked out, "After Tom left I turned to Spencer, she was huddled on the floor just staring in front of her. She looked so lost, so broken. I tried to comfort her only to have her pull away. There is nothing more painful than watching the person you love hurting and not being able to do anything to make it better for them. I watched her withdraw into herself right in front of my eyes. He did that to her. Tom Brooks did that to her."

Detective Lewis nodded, "Thank you Ashley, I know that was hard for you but thank you. If its ok there are a few more questions I need to ask you about that morning, and about Spencer and Tom's relationship." I nodded for him to continue. "Ok first of all, about what time did you arrive at Spencer's apartment the morning of the 9th?"

"It would have been at about 9.15 am, band rehearsal was due to start at 10 and it takes about half an hour to get there from Spencer's place," I answered, still moping up my tears.

Detective Lewis jotted something on his note book and continued, "Thank you. Do you remember what Tom was wearing? I know that may seem like a strange question but it's important."

"Um I think so. He had on tan pants, like chinos I think and a dark blue button down shirt with pin stripes. He was wearing tan shoes but I can't really tell you what type," I answered, trying hard to recall the details.

"That's ok Ashley, now can you tell me about Spencer's relationship with Tom? What you observed while they were together?" The Detective asked me.

"Well the first time I met Tom he came across as quite possessive. He was rude and Spencer acted differently around him, like she had to modify her behaviour or something. Spencer was quieter around him, more reserved. In all honesty she seemed miserable. After a little while she told me about her past and what happened with her ex-girlfriend Carmen. Spencer's mother got her together with Tom and Spencer went along with it to make her mother happy, to keep the peace." I stopped as rage directed at Paula Carlin consumed me. I really hated that woman.

"Yes I know about what happened to Spencer, I read the file. I have also met Paula Carlin a few times and know how she would have reacted to the news that her only daughter was gay. It is hardly surprising that Spencer let Paula talk her into being in a relationship with Tom," Detective Lewis said. I had forgotten that he was Spencer's sister in law's uncle.

"Yeah from what Spencer said her mother didn't take it well when she came out to the family. Paula kicked her out, which is how Spencer ended up living in her apartment. I don't know how Spencer stayed with Tom when it made her so unhappy. He treated her horribly and lorded over her that if she did anything he deemed to be wrong he would run to her mother. I remember after the night Spencer had told me about what Carmen had done to her, I stayed with her so she wouldn't have to be alone after dredging up those awful memories. It was perfectly innocent and then Tom turned up in the morning and went berserk," I said, shaking my head at the memory.

"So he has a history of fighting with Spencer then?" Detective Lewis asked, leaning forward.

"Yeah he does. Tom seems to have a nasty temper, I mean to get back at her for dumping him he released a video of her being _raped_ onto the fucking internet. That is the actions of a sick, disgusting man," I snarled angrily. As far as I was concerned Tom could burn in hell for all he had done.

"Yes actually we are looking into that and it looks like we'll be able to prove he released that video, we certainly have enough witnesses to him confessing to it. Ashley I think that's all the questions I have for now, I might have to call you if anything else comes up. Is that ok?" Detective Lewis asked with a sad, but kind smile.

"Yeah that's fine Detective," I said standing up. We shook hands and said our goodbyes. A uniformed officer led me out to the reception area where I found Mr. C and Glen sitting in those God awful chairs.

They both got to their feet as the noticed me approaching. "Hello Ashley, how are you?" Mr. C asked as he pulled me into a warm hug. Glen grinned and did the same once Mr. C had released me.

"I'm ok, I just gave my statement to the Detective, which was hard but you know I want to help. I want Tom to get what he deserves," I answered tiredly.

"Yeah I understand. You've been so good to Spencer Ashley, I can never thank you enough for all you've done. I am especially grateful for how patient and compassionate you've been, not to mention the fact you were there and got Tom off her. You saved her Ashley and for that I am eternally grateful," Mr. C said, his voice choked up with emotion.

"Thank you Mr. C, I really would do anything for her," I murmured.

"Ashley I told you, call me Arthur. You know you're good for her Ashley, she comes alive around you. I know things have been hard between the two of after what happened, but give her time and she'll be ok. That girl of mine is a fighter," Mr. C, oh I mean Arthur, said.

"Yeah as much as I hate the thought of my baby sister dating anyone, if she has to I'm glad its you," Glen said with a smile.

"Thank you, both of you. That means a lot. So I take it you're both here to speak to Detective Lewis?" I asked, feeling all warm inside after their kind words.

"Yeah we are. I just want this investigation over with as soon as possible so Spencer can really move on," Arthur said sadly. I nodded, I just wanted this all to be over too.

We talked for a bit longer until Detective Lewis called Glen and Arthur in. we said our goodbyes and I walked out to my car, dialling a particular blue eyed blonde on the way. "_Hey there Ash,_" Spencer murmured as she answered the phone.

"Hey Blue, how you doing?" I asked as I climbed into my car.

"_I'm ok, how are you? Still at the police station?"_ Spencer asked.

"Yeah just leaving now. Is it ok if I come round to see you still?" I asked hopefully.

"_Yeah for sure, come round, I'm just playing around with some music,_" Spencer answered.

"Great well I'll be there in a few minutes then," I said with a beaming smile.

We said our goodbyes and I started the car. I pushed in the CD Spencer had given me of all the songs she had written and recorded herself and let her musical genius wash over me the whole way to her place.

After parking my car I practically ran all the way up to Spencer's front door, smiling when I saw the newly installed peep hole. I knocked and waited for her to open the door. Hearing the sound of footsteps on the wood floor I called out, "I hope you use the peep hole before you open the door."

I heard a chuckle as the door was pulled open, "Hey Ashley, come on in." Spencer looked gorgeous in her short denim skirt and olive green tank top. Her long blonde hair was swept up in a messy ponytail and she was wearing a small smile.

I followed her into her kitchen where she flicked on the coffee maker before hauling herself up onto the counter, "So how'd it go with the police?" She asked tentatively.

I moved to stand beside her, leaning against the counter. "Well it was…um hard to talk about, I guess you of all people know what that's like," I said nervously.

"Yeah I do. Thank you for talking to the police," Spencer murmured. She looked down at her hands and then glanced back up at me, "I've been so caught up in what happened to me that I never asked you how you're coping with it all. I was thinking last night how it must have been horrible to walk in on what you did and I just wanted to know how you're doing."

Again I am in awe of this woman. She has been to hell and back and she still has the capacity and compassion to care about how other people are feeling. She really is remarkable. "I'm doing ok Blue, really. I just hate thinking about anyone hurting you," I said softly.

Spencer shook her head with a tiny smile on her lips, "How the hell did you get so strong Ash? How the hell have you coped with everything, especially all I've put you through?"

I laughed in disbelief, "What do you mean how did I get so strong? Blue you are the strongest person I know. You have endured so much Spencer and I really admire you."

Spencer blushed shyly and looked down at her hands, "Ash I wouldn't be able to be strong right now without you. You are giving me strength by believing in me and not giving up on me." She looked a little shocked by her admission, a bit embarrassed. I was just fighting back tears.

I took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, "Thank you." Spencer nodded, still blushing quite a bit. She gently pulled her hand back, so I let her go. She hopped down off the counter, walked to the coffee maker and pulled out two cups. She made my coffee, exactly the way I like it and beckoned for me to follow her. We walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to her music room.

Spencer sat down at her piano and rested her coffee cup on the chest full of sheet music (God help anyone who dared to put anything on that piano, seriously Spencer would slaughter you). I sat on the armchair and rested my cup on my knee. Spencer's finger danced across the keys as a quirky little tune flowed around the room.

I smiled and leaned back in the chair. Spencer smiled back at me and continued the little tune, which kind of sounded like a theme song for a children's cartoon show or something.

"I was thinking you and I could try writing a song together, you know something maybe a bit upbeat or kind of rockin', something that we could put on the demo? It could help me to kind of forget all the shit going on, you know, get lost in the music for a while. What do you think?" Spencer asked as the tune she was playing changed to a beautiful melody that almost brought tears to my eyes.

"I think that sounds great Blue and I love that melody you're playing," I said with a beaming smile.

Spencer chuckled, "It's a work in progress. Actually it's a song I'm writing about the one and only date you and I went on. Once it's done I might even play it for you."

"I'd like that," I smiled shyly at her and we fell into a comfortable silence as we each thought about that night. For the first time since that night I was able to think about the date itself and not then immediately jump to thinking about the horrific event that happened the next morning.

Spencer started playing a new melody on the piano, it was amazing. She smiled uncertainly at me, "So what do you think of this melody?"

"I love it, how about we add in some guitar and try for some lyrics?" I suggested excitedly.

Spencer nodded and I scooped up her acoustic guitar. I strummed a few cords and found it perfectly in tune, not surprisingly. I started playing with a tune to work with the melody Spencer was drawing out of the piano. We grinned at each other, we both had a feeling that we were onto a good thing.

We played music for hours, tweaking and changing elements of the melody. We jotted down the music and tried a variety of instruments to build the song. It was sounding pretty damn good to me, all we needed to do now was write some lyrics to go with it.

Spencer held a pencil in her hand as she stared down at the sheet music for our new song. She suddenly got this gorgeous look of inspiration on her face. "What Spence? You've got that 'I have a great idea' look on your face." I said with a chuckle.

"That Brown, is because I do! Let me just jot down a few notes…" Spencer trailed off as she began jotting down her thoughts. I watched transfixed as her pencil flew across the page, some words getting scribbled out as her thoughts were transcribed on to paper.

After about ten minutes Spencer stopped and bit her lip thoughtfully, "Ok what do you think about this," Spencer grabbed her Gibson guitar and flicked on the amp. Playing the intro of the music we'd just written she began to sing.

"I am waiting for the day  
When no one is concerned  
So excuse me if I may  
This is how we spread the word

Moments from the stage  
Now we count in one, two, three  
It's time to stop the hate  
This is where you want to be."

I grinned at her and nodded as she rested her hands on the smooth wood of the guitar, her chin resting on her arms and smiled shyly at me. "That was great Blue, I think we should put another verse in front of the first one you sung and then we can come up with a chorus, what do you think?" I asked, leaning forward excitedly.

"Hmm I think you're right and I just want to change," Spencer paused as she scribbled out a word and jotted in a new one, "I'm just changing Moments to Seconds, I think it works better."

I beamed at her, such an eye for detail when it came to music. We worked on the song for over four hours, just getting everything right. It was so amazing to me to watch Spencer as she worked on the song. She was so joyful and free. I would make music with her forever if only to see her come alive like this.

Spencer titled her head and skimmed over the lyrics and music in front of her, "You know what I think this song sounds pretty damn good. How about we run through it?"

I grinned and took the Gibson Spencer held out to me, "Yeah let's do it!"

Spencer flashed me a smirk and scooped up her bass. She counted us in and we began playing the music. Spencer flashed me a toothy grin before I started singing.

"Two hours 'til doors  
With my patience running short  
I-I am shaking in my seat  
As I grind my fucking teeth

I-I am waiting for the day  
When no one is concerned  
So excuse me if I may  
This is how we spread the word

Seconds from the stage  
Now we count in one, two, three  
It's time to stop the hate  
This is where you want to be"

I glanced over at Spencer who gave me a warm smile before we sung the chorus together, both belting out the words.

"Now I'm red, I'm out of breath  
Feel the music through your feet  
A shot of light, I see the eyes  
What a perfect way to meet

Now's the time to move  
We've got nothing left to lose  
And I-I will swallow all my pride  
If you do the same tonight

Aren't you sick of waking up  
Feeling like you've wasted time?  
Let the demons in your head  
Take control of your mind

Seconds from the end  
Did it touch you like a priest?  
Will you give up all your cares?  
Now it's time to make your peace

Now I'm red, I'm out of breath  
Feel the music through your feet  
A shot of light, I see the eyes  
What a perfect way to meet

It's a waste, we can't relate  
To this losing industry  
But it's alright, we'll always fight  
For the things that we believe

Seconds from the end  
Did it touch you like a priest?  
Will you give up all your cares?  
Now it's time to make your peace

Now I'm red, I'm out of breath  
Feel the music through your feet  
A shot of light, I see the eyes  
What a perfect way to meet

It's a waste, we can't relate  
To this losing industry  
But it's alright, we'll always fight  
For the things that we believe."

We played the last few notes and grinned excitedly at each other. Spencer started to laugh, it was a beautiful sound that wash over me like warm honey. She shook her head and said with a chuckle, "I don't know about the line 'did it touch you like a priest,' that one could get us in trouble."

I giggled, "Well that's kind of the point Spence, never play it safe when it comes to music. That's what this songs about, it's about fighting for the music, for the songs we believe in. Oh and on the plus side, just think how horrified Paula would be if she knew you co-wrote a song with that line in it?"

Spencer threw back her head and roared with laughter, "Ok you've sold me that is now my new favourite line!" We laughed together and ran through the song once again.

As I lay in my bed later that night I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Music and the love of those around her was going to heal Spencer. Despite the hurdles and bumps along the way, she would get through this.

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**The song in this chapter is Perfect Way to Meet by Kisschasy (Kisschasy are an Australian band and are totally rad. If you don't know them you should lol, they are also excellent live)**


	23. Helping Me

**Thanks to all who reviewed, especially my loyal reviewers who are so good about reviewing on my stories, I adore you all!**

**drummergirl244 – Glad I could help with the withdrawals. Thanks so much that really means a lot! Music is absolutely my life and I would love to read your songs sometime!**

**uluvme – thanks! Ah the band name…well its Kisschasy right so it's pronounced kiss chasey. Its named after a game us Aussie kids used to play back in primary school. It's like tag (or tiggy as we call it lol) but instead of tagging someone you kiss them**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks. Music is a huge part of this fic so it felt write to have our girls write something together, a bit of fun for them.**

**mutt009 – Well I think Tom is deserving of your hatred. Many good days on the cards for our girls…well probably lol**

**WillowOn3 – Thanks so much Sweets, that really means a lot. I am so glad you liked the chapter.**

**somthgIlike2do – I agree, music has a powerful impact on people and their emotions. Hehe glad you liked the line about the priest (first time I heard that song that line made me literally laugh out loud). Thanks**

**Here is chapter 23 for ya, hope you like it.**

**BTW I only own my imagination…and in my imagination I own Spencer and Ashley, what its my imagination I can do what I want!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Three – ****Helping Me**

Spencer's POV

I sat nervously in the plush olive green sofa in the waiting room of my soon to be counsellors office. True to his word my father had called her and gotten me an appointment for first thing in the morning, he was just lucky that I had the day off work.

I absently flipped through an out of date fashion magazine, anything to take my mind off the fact that I was about to tell a total stranger all my deepest, darkest secrets. I had my doubts as to how much this counselling would benefit me, but I knew it would give my family and friends peace of mind.

I was so nervous that I actually felt sick. I was a firm believer in the benefit of counselling but I was dreading what bringing up the past was going to do to me. I was scared that talking about it would open a Pandora's Box that would spill poison and the impacts of the past all over my life which I was fighting to fix.

I was ripped from my thoughts when a thirty something year old woman wandered out and smiled at me, "You must be Spencer, my name is Christa. Would you like to come in?"

I nodded and swallowed around the ball of nerves in my throat. Climbing to my feet I followed her into her office. Christa was tall and willowy with dark blonde hair and big brown eyes. She had a pair of glasses on with dark brown frames and a warm smile that made her eyes twinkle.

I followed her into her office and took a seat on a comfortable over-stuffed sofa. I couldn't bring myself to lie down on it, that seemed a little too Freud or cheesy movie to me. As I sat down I glanced around the room. It was very tastefully decorated in soft blues and greens, giving the whole room a very relaxed quality.

Christa took a seat across from me and smiled warmly, she was really trying to make me comfortable, sad thing was that it was not going to work. I was wound up tighter than Shirley Temple's ringlets and I doubted anything was going to change that, well anything other than me and Ashley in my music room.

"So Spencer do you want to tell me why you're here?" Christa asked in her soft, calm voice.

I shrugged, "I'm pretty sure my Dad would have told you that," I answered. I wasn't trying to be contrary, I just wasn't sure what to say to this woman.

"He did, but I'd rather hear it from you. Spencer I get that this is strange, talking to someone you don't even know about stuff that is so deeply personal, but sometimes it is easier to share this with an objective third party. You never know I might even be able to help you work through some of this so that you can put what happened behind you and move on with your life," Christa said as she pulled a note pad and pen onto her lap and adjusted her glasses.

"You saying you'll be able to help me forget, because I doubt that will ever happen," I said with a frown.

"No I am not saying that at all. Spencer the things you have been through, the experiences you've had you will never forget. That's not why we're here. You are here so that we can find a way for you to embrace the past and move on," Christa explained patiently.

I nodded, still frowning, "Ok I'll give it a shot, but I'm not promising anything."

"That's ok, we'll just take it slowly and see where this leads us. Do you mind if I take notes?" Christa asked with a soft smile. I shrugged. "Ok thank you. So Spencer how about you tell me why you think you're here," Christa prodded.

"Um well I guess a lot of shit has happened over the last few years. To be honest I'm not sure where to start. It's all pretty overwhelming really," I muttered staring down at my hands.

"Spencer just take your time, you can talk about anything you want to. I'm here to listen so just say whatever you feel and we'll go from there," Christa said soothingly.

I took a deep breath and looked up to meet her eyes, "I guess I'm feeling scared. I'm scared that all the things that have happened are like a disease that has taken residence inside me. I feel like I am forever tainted by what Carmen and then Tom did to me. I feel damaged beyond repair. I want to be ok again but I have no idea how to be." I fell silent and tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks.

"Spencer its ok, I think given what you've been through you are coping remarkably well. You show strength and resilience that is inspiring. You are not damaged beyond repair, I don't believe that for a second. You are just hurting and dealing with the emotional fallout of years of bottling all this up. I think this recent attack by Tom was just the catalyst for it all to rise to the surface," Christa said kindly.

"Yeah maybe. You know the worst part of all this is that things were starting to get better for me before this shit with Tom happened. I was beginning a relationship with a woman I love. Yeah I know one date and I already love her, hell I think I fell in love with her the moment I met her," I said, a smile breaking through the tears as I thought of Ashley.

"I think this woman sounds pretty special, are you two together now?"

"Um no, not really. It's complicated." I said. Christa raised her eyebrow so I explained, "Well after Tom I pushed her away and ended things between us. It was the hardest and stupidest thing I have ever done. I needed her so badly, but I wanted to spare from all the drama. She had already been through so much with me and I just didn't want to put her through anymore."

"When you say she'd already gone through so much with you what did you mean?" Christa asked.

"Well I mean that when we met I was dating Tom. The attraction between Ashley and I was instant and mutual but I kept her at arms length. I know I flirted with her, it was almost unconscious I just couldn't help myself. Things between us became intense very quickly, but nothing actually happened between us until Tom and I broke up. No matter how I felt about Tom I would never cheat on him." I sighed again, I was doing a lot of that these days.

"How are things between you and Ashley now?" Christa asked gently.

"Ok, I guess. We had some rocky moments for a while. I hurt her, I know I did. I never meant to. I would give up everything I have to stop her ever feeling any pain. I was so scared to let her in, part of me still is I guess. Fuck I'm just so scared," I murmured tearfully as I began to cry again.

Christa leaned forward and passed me a box of tissues. I grabbed a handful and began moping up the tears on my face. "Spencer I need you to be specific with me, what are you scared of?" She asked with a sympathetic look on her face.

I took a moment to think about her question, what the hell was I scared of? I looked down at my hands, my fingers were dancing across my knees as though they were on the piano keys, damn nervous habit. I licked my suddenly dry lips and said, "What am I really scared of? I'm scared that she really is the one. That Ashley Davies is my one and only, my soulmate, my forever love. I am terrified that she is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I am afraid that I will only ever bring her pain, because so far that's all I seem to do. But most of all I am scared that she might actually make me happy, that I will have to let myself be vulnerable to her and in doing so risk my heart again."

Christa looked at me for a while as I struggled to compose myself. "You've been hurt a lot Spencer, that much is obvious. It hasn't just been from the violent incidents in your life either. You were hurt by your mother's reaction to your homosexuality and the shame you felt that made you hide it. Spencer you have been a victim of so much hurt so it is understandable why you pull back from a person you love enough to be really vulnerable to. I guess what you have to decide is whether Ashley is worth the risk."

"I know that she is, I'm just scared," I confessed quietly.

We talked for a bit longer. I gave her the details of what Tom did to me, not leaving anything out. It was still so hard to talk about. Just thinking about it almost paralysed me with fear so talking about it pretty much incapacitated me. Christa was patient and understanding. She did not push she just let me talk. She told me it was like sucking out the venom after a snake bite, that talking about it was a way to start purging the poison from my life.

At the end of the hour long session Christa walked me out of the office and gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze, "You showed a lot of courage in coming here today Spencer, you should be proud of yourself. I'll see you at the same time next week ok?"

I nodded and gave her a tired smile, I was emotionally drained. "Thank you, I'll see you later." I smiled again and walked out of her office. I was heading down the hall way when I saw my Dad leaning up against the wall waiting for me. I flashed him a small smile and then let him pull me into his arms.

My Dad led me into his office and I took a seat in a chair across from his desk, smiling at the huge number of photos he had of me, Clay and Glen displayed on his desk. My Dad was a family man through and through.

"So how did it go with Christa? You ok Sweetie?" Dad asked with a warm smile.

I nodded, "Yeah I'm ok Dad, pretty drained but ok. I'll be honest I was mostly going to see her to make everybody else happy, but after today I think it might actually help me to keep seeing her." I shrugged and smiled sweetly at him, "So thanks for organising it for me."

"It was my pleasure Sweetie, I just want you to be alright," Dad said, taking a seat in the chair beside me.

"I know Dad, so do I. I'm going to keep seeing Christa, I think it will help," I murmured.

"I'm proud of you Sweetheart, really so proud." I talked to my Dad for a bit longer and got roped into a family dinner the next night, of course he demanded that I invite Ashley. It was sweet how much they wanted us to be together. I wanted that too, I just needed some time.

I walked out of the counselling centre and headed to my car, feeling just a little bit lighter than I did when I walked in. I was going to give this counselling thing a real go, really what harm could it do? It's not like my life could get much more fucked up.

Ashley's POV

I was relaxing on my leather sofa, just chilling while I got ready to watch D.E.B.S on DVD. That movie is seriously hilarious, plus Jordana Brewster is so hot….not nearly as hot as my Spencer but still smoking!

I had been thinking about her all morning, which isn't exactly unusual because let's face it Spencer usually monopolises my thoughts. She had her first counselling appointment and I was pretty eager to hear how it went. I knew that going to see this counsellor was going to be tough for her, but I also knew in my gut that it would help her.

I was zoning out thinking about Spencer when someone buzzed my apartment. I wandered lazily over to the intercom and said, "Yeah?"

"Wow Ash you sound real enthusiastic there! Its Spencer, do you wanna let me up?" I smiled when I heard her familiar husky voice through the intercom speaker.

"Hell yeah, come on up!" I hit the button to let her in and opened my front door. I quickly scanned the room to see if it was presentable. Spencer had never been inside my place before so I wanted it to look good. I was just stuffing a bra I'd found hanging off my coffee table (from folding my washing not getting sexed up in my living room you dirty minded people!) down behind one of my sofa cushions when Spencer came in.

"Please don't tell me you are actually cleaning up for me Ashley, after everything I think you and I are long past actually putting on airs and graces for each other," Spencer said with a giggle.

I shook my head and dropped the cushion I was holding, "Ok you're right, how are you Blue?"

She smiled and walked over to drop gracefully onto my sofa, "I'm good, feeling like I need to just veg for a few hours though."

"Well you've come to the right place, I was just about to watch D.E.B.S and eat some junk food that I'll regret later, wanna join me?" I asked with a beaming smile.

Spencer tilted her head and grinned at me, "I'd love to, but what's D.E.B.S?"

I looked at her in disbelief, "You seriously don't know what D.E.B.S is?" Spencer shook her head, looking a little sheepish. "Well in that case be prepared to have your world rocked!" I cried dramatically as I joined her on the sofa and hit play.

Spencer laughed and grabbed a handful of M&Ms out of the bowl on my coffee table, "You're talking this movie up a lot Davies, so you'd better hope it lives up to the hype."

I laughed and winked at her, "Oh it will Carlin, it will."

We watched the movie, both of us literally laughing out loud. I have to say that Spencer Carlin has the greatest laugh ever. It's musical and sweet and just makes you have to laugh along with her.

I switched off the television as the movie finished and turned to Spencer with an expectant look on my face, "So…what'd you think?"

Spencer pretended to think about her answer, a little smirk on her lips, "Well…it was, hmm, you know it was ok."

"Oh you liar! It is so much better than ok!" I exclaimed in mock horror.

Spencer laughed and held up her hands in defeat, "Ok, ok you're right. That movie was fucking brilliant, just what I needed today. Oh and by the way I think I have a crush on Lucy Diamond." Spencer announced with a teasing smile.

Oh hell no, she could not start crushing on other girls…not even fictional ones! "Excuse me? You want to repeat that?" I asked incredulously.

"I think you'll find that I just said I have a crush on Lucy Diamond. Why you got a problem with that Davies?" Spencer said with a coy smile.

"I might have. I may be a little jealous of this Lucy Diamond, plus I think you need to aim higher than some criminal mastermind, like maybe an unemployed, trust-fund baby musician who is in this rad band that is about to make it big," I said in a flirtatious tone.

"Hmm sounds nice, you really think Grey would go for me? Although like Scud said, love is harder than crime!" Spencer said with a teasing smirk. Grey, like me is a trust-fund baby living off his inheritance and playing music waiting for our band to make it big.

I laughed and shook my head at her, "Sadly Spence I don't think so, you might have a chance with this hot brunette I know."

"Really, hot brunette like Lucy Diamond?" Damn she's good. I smirked at the grinning blonde.

"I was thinking more along the lines of, well, me but whatever floats your boat Blue," I teased. I kind of loved that she was engaging in this flirtatious banter with me, it had been a while since we'd done that.

Spencer smiled shyly at me from beneath her eye lashes before she changed the subject, "So my family is having this dinner at my Dad's house tomorrow night and I was wondering if you wanted to come. I honestly think my family is in love with you so it would mean a lot to them if you could make it."

I beamed, "Yeah of course I'll be there! I have been hearing about your Dad's cooking skills for so long now that I am dying to try it out." I couldn't help but feel excited, I knew it wasn't a date but hey dinner with the family was a huge step in the right direction.

"Great, I know Dad will impress even the finicky palate of Ashley Davies," Spencer said with a teasing smile.

I laughed and then gave her a mock glare, "Hey I am so not finicky!" Spencer giggled, which instantly made me smile, forgetting the mock glare I had been directing at her.

"Well good then, dinner is at 7 so how about you drive to my place at like 6.30 and we'll go to my Dad's together?" Spencer asked.

I noticed how she referred to the house as her Dad's, not her parent's. I guess Paula was well and truly out of her life. "Yeah sounds good to me Blue," I replied as I leaned back against the sofa.

We relaxed together on my sofa for another hour or so, just talking about movies and music. "No you are totally wrong Brown, Tipping the Velvet is so much better than Fingersmith! There is no comparison, how the hell can you think that Fingersmith is better, hello Tipping the Velvet involves a gold dildo?! You don't get better than that!" Spencer exclaimed. I almost choked on my own spit when she said gold dildo, seriously that is one phrase I never expected to hear come out of Spencer's mouth.

"Seriously Spence, gold dildo?! You kiss your Dad with that mouth?" I teased, making her giggle. "How about we agree to disagree about our historical lesbian miniseries?" I suggested with a smirk.

Spencer chuckled and nodded, "Yeah might be a good idea," then she glanced down at her watch and jumped to her feet, "Fuck, shit, is that the time? We have band practice in like 15 minutes and my fucking instruments are all the way back at my place! Shit!" Spencer cursed. I had to laugh, she did not often swear like that.

"It's ok Spence, we'll run to your place, grab your stuff and then head to Julian's, he won't care if we're a little late, c'mon let's go!" I said grabbing her hand and leading her out of the apartment, pausing just long enough for both of us to grab our bags and for me to scoop up my guitar.

We made it to Spencer's in like ten minutes and we at Julian's ten minutes after that, I'll admit Spencer drove really, scarily fast. I did fear for my life, not gonna lie, but we did make it to Julian's and a successful band rehearsal was had. Spencer and I played a rough version of the song we'd started writing together and the band all added their input, it was sounding awesome. We decided to call it 'Perfect Way to Meet', well ok Spencer came up with the name, she is after all the musical prodigy here.

A few times during rehearsal I saw her clench her teeth and blink like she was trying to hold back tears, she wouldn't let me get her alone to talk about it though. After rehearsal we got in her car so she could drive me home. "So are you going to admit what's wrong Blue?" I asked softly.

She smiled, "I knew I couldn't hide from you. I'm just a little raw after talking about all the shit that's been happening. The counselling this morning was great, and I'm going to keep going, but it did leave me a little raw, emotionally speaking."

I reached over and gave her hand a squeeze, which she allowed for a little while before pulling away with a slight smile. I wasn't offended, baby steps were needed here. I was just so thrilled that she was actually opening up to me about her feelings.

"I think that's to be expected Blue, but I am so proud of you for doing this counselling. You are an incredible woman Miss Carlin," I murmured.

"As are you Miss Davies," Spencer smiled shyly at me and started her car. We drove the rest of the way to my place in comfortable silence, each lost in thought. Spencer parked in front of my building as we got out of the car. I grabbed my guitar and bag and let her walk me up to the front door.

"So I guess this is good night, thanks for the ride to practice," I said with a grin.

"You're welcome Brown, thanks for helping me to chill today. I really needed a day like this so thanks so much," Spencer murmured.

"No worried Spence, I'll see you tomorrow night?" I asked smiling at her adoringly.

"Yeah you will," Spencer looked uncertain for a moment and the leaned in and softly placed a tender kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes at the touch of her lips and shivered at the feeling of her breath on my skin.

Spencer pulled back, biting her lip nervously and gave me a shy smile as a slight blush coloured her cheeks, "Well, good night then." She bit her lip again and walked towards her car.

I raised my hand to my cheek, which was tingling with the sensation of her lips. "Good night Spencer," I murmured as she got into the car.

With one last smile Spencer drove off into the night. I grinned to myself and went inside. The grin was so not leaving my face that night.


	24. Dinner And A Contract

**As always, thank you for your reviews**

LoveAsh87, ashleylphl & DarceLynn – Thanks so much

Galmil – Hehe, yeah I wrote that part just after watching D.E.B.S, I love that movie! Thank you, it didn't feel right to rush Ashley and Spencer back into a relationship, that wouldn't be realistic. They are taking the time, which is needed given everything Spencer has been through. Thanks again

somthgIlike2do – You're welcome and thank you! Well Spencer's lack of knowledge of D.E.B.S while knowing about Fingersmith and Tipping the Velvet is directly inspired by me I'm ashamed to say. I knew about both Fingersmith and TTV before I knew about D.E.B.S, sad I know hehe. Ah yeah more cute moments and then some heat…I'll see what I can do

uluvme – Hehe yeah, but because we were so repulsed by the boys (and vice versa) it made you far more desperate not to get caught. Oh yeah I love D.E.B.S and have a pretty big crush on Lucy Diamond, who reminds me of Ashley in a lot of ways. Good night make out huh…I can probably work that in

mutt009 – Thanks, I thought some cute fluff was needed in amongst all the angst and drama. Ah yes the forbidden line, oopsie! I guess we will see what happens.

WillowOn3 – I hope you can spare some time too, although college is important (or so I vaguely remember, it's been over a year since I graduated). Thanks, I am actually a social worker by trade (although I am not currently practicing) so I drew on my professional experience with clients to write the counselling scene so it means a lot to read your words. All my writing is a form of therapy for me. Well if you end up in Aus I'd say you owe me a 'not-letting-me-breathe' bear hug, take care Sweetie

drummergirl244 – Glad I could help make your day better. I would be honoured to hear any songs you write, thank you

aemcd – Aw thanks. I think counselling will be good for Spencer and it was long since time that Spencer let Ashley back in. I look forward to more song suggestions from you! Thanks

DontMindBnCrazy – Thanks, you're right admitting you need help is not easy, it takes a damn lot of courage and I commend anyone strong enough to do it.

**I own nothing but my imagination**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Four – Dinner And A Contract**

Spencer's POV

I rushed to my front door wearing my robe and with my hair half done to answer it, finding a grinning Ashley on the other side holding a bottle of wine. Damn she looked beautiful. No matter how often I see her I am always blown away by how stunning she is. That night she was wearing a grey denim skirt and a brown waistcoat over a cream silk camisole, perfection.

I tilted my head and gave her a sweet smile, "Hey there Brown, come in. I'm sorry I'm running so late. The damn violin master at work went berserk today and smashed his freaking violin when the students in his class couldn't get this piece of music right! I had to spend the rest of the day counselling traumatised students and then shopping for a new violin for the psychotic jackass I work for."

Ashley burst out laughing as I finished my rambling story and sat down on my sofa. "Oh my God Spencer that's fucking hilarious!" Ashley choked out as she tried to control her laughter.

"Yeah go on laugh it up Brown, this is my life," I said in a mock serious tone before I burst out laughing and flung myself down on the couch beside her. We sat there laughing until we were able to get the giggles under control. "Ok now I'm going to go finish getting ready, make yourself at home," I said as I jumped to my feet and headed down to my bedroom to finish getting ready.

I hurriedly finished straightening my hair and touched up my make-up before I slid on the outfit I had already picked out. Seeing as it was just a dinner at Dad's I figured it was good to go for casual. I slid on my charcoal grey shorts and a midnight blue halter-neck top with a pair of black gladiator sandals. I slipped a black leather cuff onto my left wrist and scooped up a dark grey cardigan in case it got chilly. Surveying myself in the mirror I figured I looked ok.

I walked down the hall and found Ashley in my music room sitting at the piano. I knew I'd find her in there. She was as drawn to that room as I was. I leaned against the door frame and smile over at her. She grinned and started playing Pachelbel's Cannon in D, her slender fingers dancing across the keys.

I laughed and stepped into the room, "I thought I was the classical musician Miss Davies?" I said teasingly.

"Well I'm a woman of many talents Miss Carlin, many many talents," Ashley said coyly. I laughed again and leaned against the wall.

"You ready to face dinner with the Carlins?" I asked with a beaming smile on my face. I had been smiling a hell of a lot more the last few days, I kinda think Ashley might have had something to do with that.

Ashley grinned at me and got to her feet, "Absolutely Blue, let's get this party started!"

I burst out laughing and shook my head, "get this party started? Wow I never knew you were such a big dork!"

Ashley looked indignantly at me and crossed her arms over her chest, "Hey! I resent that! I am so not a dork."

I chuckled and smirked at her, "Sure Davies, you tell yourself that." I rolled my eyes at her and walked out of the music room with Ashley trailing behind me.

"Spen_cer_! I am not a dork! Say I'm not a dork!" Ashley begged in a child-like tone.

I just laughed and kept walking. I scooped up my bag and grabbed my cell phone off the charger before opening the front door to let Ashley lead the way down the stairs. We climbed into my car with Ashley still trying to convince me that she wasn't a dork.

I laughed as I turned the key in the ignition, "It's ok Ashley you may be a dork but you're a sexy dork." As soon as the words came out of my mouth I blushed a spectacular crimson and clapped a hand over my mouth.

Ashley looked over at me and grinned in amusement, "Well thank you Blue, now how about we head to your Dad's." I nodded, still too embarrassed by my little confession. I reversed my car out of the parking space and drove the familiar route to my father's house.

I parked my little blue SUV in front of the familiar home and climbed out. Ashley met me on the front path and we walked to the door together. "Brace yourself you are about to be interrogated by the Carlin clan," I said, being absolutely seriously. Ashley laughed and then stopped when she saw my expression, "I am so not kidding Brown, brace yourself." I lead a now scared looking Ashley through the front door into my family home.

As I closed the door behind us my Dad walked in wearing his 'Kiss the Chef' apron and a huge welcoming smile. "Spencer, Ashley you made it! Come on into the living room the others are already here!" My Dad ushered us in where the rest of my immediate family waited to greet us.

Glen jumped to his feet and pulled me into a suffocating hug before doing the same to Ashley, "So good to see you Ash!" He gushed like an excited old woman. I laughed and led Ashley over to Glen's girlfriend.

"Ashley this is Kate, the poor girl infected with my brother's spawn!" I teased, earning me a glare from Glen and a chuckle from Kate. Yeah I know another Kate, I promise me and my brother have not dated the same girl this is a different Kate, this one is 100% straight and strangely in love with my big brother.

Ashley took Kate's offered hand and said with a grin, "it's nice to meet you." Kate was a pretty girl with light brown hair and green eyes, she was also sporting a pretty impressive baby bump seeing as she was now almost eight months pregnant.

Next I hugged Clay and Chelsea before they both pulled Ashley into warm hugs as well. "Ashley it's so great to see you again!" Clay gushed excitedly. I smiled as I watched the way my family interacted with Ashley. I couldn't see them ever interacting with Tom or Carmen like this (even before they both attacked me, I really know how to pick em don't I).

"Ok troops, dinner is ready!" Dad called from the dinning room. I grabbed Ashley's hand and dragged her along behind me so that we got the best seats, which were next to my Dad. Dad always served the people on his right first so me and Glen had always fought to get that spot. Almost pulling Ashley's arm out of its socket we beat Glen to the table and got the prime seats.

Glen stuck his tongue out at me and sat opposite Dad at the other end of the table, very graciously letting Kate sit next to Ashley. Clay and Chelsea took the other side of the table, both of them laughing at me and Glen's antics. It was something they had been subjected to many a time. Poor Ashley looked confused yet amused.

Dad just shook his head at us and said, "You know you'd think that when company was here you two would at least _try_ and act your age." I had the decency to look a little embarrassed while Glen just shrugged. Ashley chuckled and looked back and forth between us.

"Sorry Dad," I mumble before picking up my fork. Now that Paula is gone we are no longer forced to say grace, thank fucking Christ!

"Ok guys dig in while it's still hot!" My Dad ordered. We all dug into our dinner. My Dad had out done himself, yet again. He'd made his famous lasagne and homemade garlic bread with the hugest salad and a mammoth chocolate mousse for desert.

I saw Ashley slide a forkful of pasta into her mouth and moan in pleasure at the taste. I have to admit that little moan of hers had a rather Pavlovian response in me and yes that means I may have started drooling a little. I don't think it was noticeable, at least I hope not.

The only sound in the dining room for a while was the sound of cutlery against china and the sound of chewing. My Dad's food is so damn good that it renders you unable to speak.

"Oh my God this is the best lasagne I have ever tasted!" Ashley finally exclaimed, right before she stuffed another forkful into her mouth. I laughed at her, earning me a playful glare.

"Thanks Ashley, you can come round for dinner anytime if you compliment my cooking like that. These pigs I raised barely say anything between shovelling their food into their mouths," Dad said with a teasing twinkle in his big blue eyes.

I glared at my Dad as an embarrassed blush coloured my cheeks. You know if I had a dollar for every time I have blushed around Ashley Davies I'd be a multi-millionaire by now, seriously.

"Ok so Ashley what exactly do you do?" Clay asked as he took a drink from his water. I glared at him, damn the interrogation was about to begin.

"Well actually I am just focusing on my music right now. Um my Dad left me quite a bit of money when he passed away so I'm living on that while I try to make a real go of it with my music," Ashley answered with a nervous smile.

"So you're saying you're unemployed?" Glen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Glen!" I snapped, staring daggers at him while Ashley just blushed.

"No it's ok Spence. Um well I went to UCLA and studied music and worked for a while after college at a record label but quit when I met Julian and joined the band. My Dad always told me to go for my dreams, to throw everything I am at them so that I never have to regret not giving it my all so that's what I did," Ashley shrugged and ate another mouthful of her dinner.

"Hmm good answer…so you got many exes?" Glen asked. I picked up my bread roll and threw it at him, hard.

"I think that's enough questions for now," My Dad said with an amused twinkle in his blue eyes.

The rest of the meal passed with minimal humiliation for me, a few intrusive questions for Ashley and a lot of light hearted banter and conversation between all at the table. I loved how well Ashley got along with my family, it meant a lot to me seeing as I had hopes of her being around for a long time, like forever.

Dad had just brought out the coffee and chocolate mousse when the topic I really didn't want to discuss came up. "So Spence have you heard from the police about the investigation?" Clay asked as he took a sip of his coffee.

I felt all eyes on me as I slowly swallowed the mouthful of mousse I'd just taken, "Um no not since they interviewed Ashley, Dad and Glen. Detective Lewis said he'd call me this week to update me."

Ashley reached under the table and gave my hand a comforting squeeze. I smile over at her and squeezed back. My Dad looked at my in sympathy and changed the subject, "So how's work then Spence?"

"Work is good, I'm only doing three days a week now which I love, it makes it easier to get to band rehearsals and stuff like that, plus a three day working week is a hell of a lot more appealing that a five day working week," I answered with a smile.

The rest of the night passed smoothly with only a few more inappropriate questions for Ashley, but being the trooper that she is she took them all in her stride and answered all their (and by their I mean my brothers) out there and invasive questions. I think the worst being the questions about her sexual history and then asking her when she'd last been tested for STDs. I slugged Glen hard for that particular line of questioning.

We said good night to my family, with Ashley getting smothered in hugs from all of them, and headed out to my car. Once we were inside and away from the prying eyes of my family I turned to her with an apologetic smile, "Ash I am so sorry about that, they can be a little intense sometimes and they wonder why I have rarely if ever brought dates home! I mean are you ok?"

Ashley chuckled at my rambling and gave my hand a squeeze, "It's ok Blue, I like that they are so protective of you. It makes me happy to know that they care about you so much that they feel the need to interrogate people you bring home, plus they weren't that bad."

"Weren't that bad?! Do you not remember when they asked for an alphabetised list of all your past relationships and a copy of your medical records?!" I asked in disbelief.

Ashley burst out laughing, making me shake my head and start giggling too. Pretty soon we were both laughing so hard we were in tears and clutching onto each other. Once the laughter had died down I started my car and drove back to my place.

After parking my car I walked Ashley over to hers and surprised both of us by pulling her into a fierce hug. I held her close to me and took in all that was Ashley Davies. I buried my face in the crook of her neck and just held her to me. After a few moments of just silently holding each other I whispered, "Thank you Brown."

"What do you have to thank me for Blue?" Ashley whispered back, her arms tightening around me.

"Well for starters for making me laugh and smile more in the last five days than I would have thought possible. Did you know that today it is two weeks since Tom tried to…uh…since he attacked me? Two weeks and its only when I'm with you that I feel almost human so I guess that's what I'm thanking you for Ash," I murmured shyly.

"You have nothing to thank me for Blue, I want to be here with you and getting to see you smile and laugh and let go of what he did, even just a little bit is more than enough reward for me," Ashley beamed her nose-crinkling smile. I leaned in and kissed her softly on the cheek before stepping back out of her arms.

Ashley reached up and ran her fingers over her cheek where my lips had just been with a dreamlike smile on her lips. I grinned and started to walk towards the stairs to my place, calling back over my shoulder, "Good night Brown."

I heard her raspy, tantalising voice call out softly, "Good Night Blue." Smiling to myself I went inside. Maybe, just maybe with Ashley by my side I could get through this.

------------

Ashley's POV

Today promised to be a big, no make that epic, day. Today was the day we officially signed on the dotted line and made Derek our manager. It was all very exciting. I had done some digging, spoken to some old industry friends of my Dad's and they all spoke highly of Derek so I was confident that he would do right by us.

We were all meeting at Julian's so that we could sign the contract and then discuss recording the demo and all that good stuff. I was nervous but at the same time almost jumping out of my skin with anticipation. This was the start of something major, I felt it in my bones. It was actually kind of like the feeling I'd had when I met Spencer for the first time.

I parked my Porsche behind Spencer's dark blue SUV and climbed out, I had left my guitar at Julian's the night before so I began wandering towards the house when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I turned around to find Spencer leaning against her car, eyes closed and breathing deeply. She had the tracks of tears on her cheeks which broke my heart.

I walked to her side and tentatively reached out to lay my hand on her shoulder.

"Hey Blue, are you alright?" I asked with concern.

Spencer offered me a small smile, "Yeah I've just come from my counselling appointment and it brought up some stuff that's all. I was just taking a second to calm down before I headed in."

I moved closer to her and draped my arm around her shoulder half expecting her to pull away, instead Spencer snuggled in closer and rested her cheek against my shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it Spence?" I asked gently.

"Not right now Brown, we are about to have a wonderful, career changing thing happen so let's not dwell on the shit of the past, let's get our butts inside and experience the start of our dreams coming true," Spencer's eyes were shining with excitement and her full lips were now turned up in a beaming smile.

"Ok Blue, but if you want to talk, ever, you know I'm here," I said locking my eyes on hers.

"Yeah I know Ashley, thanks. Now let's go!" Spencer took my hand and led me inside. I smiled at her, watching her long blonde ponytail swing as she dragged my by the hand into Julian's house.

We walked in to find all the others were already there, sitting on the various miss-matched sofas chatting to Derek. "Well now that the vocal goddesses are here we can begin!" Derek called out excitedly on seeing us wander in.

Spencer and I greeted everyone enthusiastically and took a seat next to Grey on a well worn olive green sofa, Spencer held my hand the entire time.

"Ok now that we are all here I have a contract for you guys to sign, please take some time to read over it, I know your lawyer had a look but have a look yourselves, I'll give you a moment," Derek smiled kindly as he wandered out the door of our practice space.

"Well my Dad got a partner at his law firm to have a look at the contract and it's solid, no dodgy bits or anything, but you guys have a look and see what you think," Jen said passing the contract over to Grey. Spencer and I leaned over and read through it with Grey. It all seemed pretty damn good to me.

We talked about it for a while and then each took a turn signing the paper in front of us, our grins getting bigger as each person signed their name. "Wow I guess this is real now!" Julian gushed as he held up the now signed contract.

"Yep J man, now when people ask us if we have management we can answer in the affirmative," I replied in a teasing voice, making everyone laugh.

Derek chose that moment to wander back in, "So what do you guys think, we got a deal?" We all nodded excitedly and Julian handed over the now signed contract. Derek read over it quickly, making sure it was all signed and all and then gave us a huge grin, "Ok guys well I just put in a call to a contact of mine at a little recording studio in downtown L.A. and if you guys are interested we could get you in there next week to record a demo so I can get it out to some labels, how's that sound?"

"Wow, that sounds incredible, thanks Derek," Spencer said with a huge smile, we all were quick to echo her sentiment. This was a dream come true, I had wanted to get somewhere with my music and now it was all looking possible. It was then that it hit me, all of this possibility came about when Spencer joined the band, she was the missing piece that was now making my dreams come true.

"Great well it's all set up, and if you guys are interested the owner of this club called Entropy is eager to have you guys play a gig there, it's a slightly bigger venue than you've played before and it has been known to get some big names in there, both celebs and industry people. They want you to play next Saturday, I know you have you're gig at Pella on Friday so I though Saturday would work," Derek said with an excited grin. You could tell he really cared about us and getting our music out there.

We all looked around at each other and nodded, "Yeah that sounds great," Jen answered for us.

"Perfect, it's on then. Ok guys now what we have to do is decide what songs you want to put on the demo. Usually there are between three and six songs so I was thinking we'd aim for five?" We all nodded so Derek continued, "Ok so there is only two songs I really want you guys to use, Breakeven and The Resolution, but you guys have to be happy with this so it's your call."

We all thought about it for a moment, we had so many songs now! Our catalogue had practically doubled since Spencer joined the band. "Ok well I'd like to suggest Come Down To Me and that new song Spence and Ash wrote, Perfect Way To Meet, as well," Julian said with a thoughtful expression on his face. I smiled gratefully.

"Ok so that's four we're all happy with, how about we see which songs get the best response at this weekends gigs at Pella and Entropy and go from there?" Jen suggested, tucking her now short auburn hair behind her ear.

"Yeah I think that's a good idea," Spencer said and she leaned into me. I could see that under her excitement Spencer was pretty worn out, she was such an inspiration for coping as well as she was.

"Ok so are we agreed then?" Derek asked, we all nodded our assent and then got down to the serious business of celebrating with an impromptu jam session, we even gave Derek a tambourine so he could join in. The best part of the whole night for me was watching Spencer's eyes light up when the music started playing.

We jammed for hours playing good old 70s rock and a few tragic 80s tunes, until we were all totally exhausted. After a round of hugs we all left Julian where he had fallen asleep on his sofa and headed out to our cars. Spencer and I stood waving as Jen and Grey pulled off in their respective cars and then she turned to me with a heart warming, tender smile, which I knew she only ever bestowed on me.

"Well it was certainly a great night, totally took my mind off, well everything," Spencer murmured with her smile still in place.

"I'm glad Blue, are you ok now?" I asked, giving her a tender smile of her own.

"Yeah I am. We were just talking about the past a lot today in counselling, you know talking about all the stuff with Carmen and it still hurts. I don't know if it will ever stop hurting Ash," Spencer admitted quietly.

I stepped closer to her and placed my hands on her shoulders as I looked into her eyes, "Spencer you have been through more in the last few years then most people ever go through in a lifetime. I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, eventually it will hurt less, each day it will hurt a little less until one day it won't hurt at all. I'm not saying that you will forget what happened, but soon the good days will out number the bad. You just have to keep letting time and the music heal you."

Spencer's big cerulean eyes filled with tears as she smiled adoringly at me, "How do you always know the right thing to say Ash?"

I gave a little chuckle, "Oh honey I don't, I just say what I feel and hope it makes a bit of difference, hope that _I_ make a bit of difference."

"Ashley, never underestimate the impact you have had on me. I think it's fair to say that if you weren't in my life I wouldn't be here now," I shook my head and went to protest only to have her place a finger on my lips to silence me, "No my turn to talk. Ashley you saved my life. That morning with Tom, I wouldn't have survived had he actually…raped me. I couldn't have survived that a second time. Before you burst in I was praying that Tom would kill me when he was done so that I wouldn't have to live with the aftermath of it again." Spencer stopped as her throat became tight with unshed tears.

I felt tears of my own start to fall. Spencer tenderly wiped the droplets from my cheeks with her thumbs. "And then in the weeks that have followed what happened, you saved me again by not giving up on me, by not letting me disappear into the darkness like I was so tempted to. I know you this, but I haven't said it in a while, Ashley I love you," Spencer murmured quietly.

My tears started falling hard and fast as I choked out, "I love you too. I know you aren't quite ready for us yet and that is understandable given what's happened, but I want you to know I'm here, always."

"There can't be an us until I feel I can give you all of me. I want to Ash, so badly but I'm not quite there yet, I know I will be if you just give me some time," Spencer smiled through her own tears and pulled me into her arms. I held her for the longest time, soaking in the feel of her pressed against me. Spencer pulled back slightly and started laughing.

I looked at her confused and she shook her head and said, "I was just thinking that a whole lot of the monumental moments in our…uh…relationship? Have happened outside Julian's house."

I had to laugh at that, plus I was on a bit of a high since she told me she loved me, "Yeah you're right about that Blue, now how about we get you home."

"Yeah I have to admit that I'm pretty exhausted. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Spencer asked with a soft smile.

"Absolutely. Good night Blue."

"Night Ash." We each got in our cars and headed to our respective homes. We were making progress, not just the band, but Spencer and I as well. Baby steps, but at least they were baby steps in the right direction.

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	25. You’ve Got A Friend

**Thanks as always for the wonderful reviews.**

WillowOn3 - Thanks so much, that means a lot. I am so glad you find comfort in the words I've written and I hope they help when you get stressed. Yeah social worker, I loved the work I did and the people I worked with. I reckon Melbourne is a great place to go if you come to Aus, I went to university there myself and loved it. Hehe ok so I should be afraid of the coming bear hug huh? Lol, thanks for the review Sweets

uluvme - I wasn't a distance runner myself, more of a sprinter lol so I used to hide to avoid getting caught. Using Kate for both Glen and Spencer's girls was a complete mistake (I had forgotten that I had mentioned the name of Glen's girlfriend earlier in the fic) so that was my bad lol. Yep the baby steps are progressing and in the right direction

somthgIlike2do – Thanks, I'm kinda proud of our girls too. Drama? Would I do that? Hehe

drummergirl244 – I am back, fav chapter huh? That's great! I figured after torturing people with cliff hangers I'd be nice and not leave one for chapter 24. Thanks

amorvacio22 – Thank you

FadeToLife – Thanks, I having been trying to tell this story in an honest and truthful way that is realistic so it means a lot to read your review. Thanks again

mutt009 – Hehe kiss the ground huh? (I am ignoring the 'I think' you typed before it). Ah ever the cynic? How long will the spurt of happiness last, well I guess you'll have to read on and see. You are right though, Tom is not out of the picture as yet.

MrsMusgraveTNG – Why thank you, glad you liked it lol

LoveAsh87 – Thanks! I figured Spencer's over-protective brothers would have a few questions for her love interest.

**Ok disclaimer time…nothing but my imagination is mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Five – ****You've Got A Friend**

Julian's POV

I had been thinking about Spencer a lot, I've been really worried about my favourite blonde. I had no damn idea how she was staying sane through all this. A weaker person would have crumbled under the burden of all the shit she was carrying.

We had been rehearsing almost everyday for the past few weeks, partially because we had quite a few gigs coming up but also because I knew that music to Spencer was like aloe vera to someone with a nasty sunburn. I knew that she was able to escape all the pain while the music was playing and if I could help take it away for her, even just for a moment, then by God I would.

At each band practice I had looked for opportunities to get Spencer alone so I could check in and see how she was travelling. Problem was Ashley was practically a guard dog, seriously put a spiked collar on the girl and she was a pit bull. I know she was just being protective of Spencer but I had known the girl a hell of a lot longer and I needed to know she was ok. Spencer was my family, the sister I never had…beside the fact I actually do have a sister, two of them, but they are both evil shrews who I'm sure were adopted from a box full of baby howler monkeys.

I figured the only way to catch Spencer without her pit bull was to show up unannounced at her place, yeah I'm so stealth I should join the CIA. I arrived at Spencer's about an hour after she would have gotten home from work and bounded up the stairs. I could hear her playing her guitar, sounded like she was working on a song given how she kept stopping and then playing different variations of the same tune.

I banged on the door and waited for her to answer it, smiling at the new peep hole in the wood. It was good to know there was some security here to protect her from ever going through the traumas of her past again.

I saw a shadow cross the peep hole and grinned as she threw open the door, "Hey Jules what brings you to my door?" Spencer asked with a sweet smile and a patented Spencer Carlin head tilt.

"Well my blonde goddess I wanted to see you so I could bathe in your extreme awesomeness!" I teased. Spencer laughed and grabbed my hand to pull me into the apartment. I gave her a big smile before tentatively wrapping her up in a hug, giving her the chance to pull away should she need to. Instead Spencer snuggled into me and rested her head on my chest with a contented sigh.

"I've missed you Jules, we haven't hung out just us in a long time," She murmured.

"I know baby cakes, hence why I'm here. Now tell me if I'm wrong but when I arrived I could have sworn you were writing a song?" I asked teasingly.

Spencer giggled, "No you're not wrong, actually my ADD brain is struggling with two songs at the moment. You wanna hear what I've got so far?"

"Oh absolutely Princess, lead the way!" I said with a beaming smile. Spencer grabbed my hand and dragged me through her apartment and into her music room. She plonked herself down on the piano stool and pulled her Gibson onto her lap so she could play me what she had written so far.

"This is a little rough so bear with me yeah? Oh and any input would be so appreciated!" Spencer said with a shy smile. I nodded and perched on her armchair ready to listen to what I'm sure would be brilliant.

Spencer grinned at me and rolled her eyes before she started strumming the guitar. I beamed, a handful of notes in and this was shaping up to be a great song. Spencer played through what sounded like a verse and bridge before hitting what had to be the chorus which was when she got to her feet and belted out the lyrics she had written.

"I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Everyday but all I have is time  
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Every way and when they set me free  
Just put your hands on me."

As soon as Spencer stopped playing I burst out into thunderous applause, jumping to my feet and wolf whistling loudly, making her giggle and blush self-consciously. "Spencer I love that chorus and man that riff is amazing, you got any other lyrics?" I asked with a huge smile.

Spencer nodded, still blushing quite a lot, "yeah I do, but they aren't any good."

I laughed in disbelief, even the shittest song written by Spencer Carlin was 100 times better than the swill most singers were putting out there. "Well gorgeous how about you let me have a look and we'll se what we can come up with?" I asked with a grin.

Spencer nodded, "Sure that would be great Jules. How about I order us some Chinese and we have a few beers while we work on this song, it'll be like our days back at LACA when we would jam away in your dorm room," Spencer suggested with a warm smile and a nostalgic glint in her big blue eyes.

"Oh hell yeah Princess, let's do it!" I said enthusiastically, making her laugh and shake her head as she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the local Chinese place. Once our food was ordered she got a couple of beers from her fridge and we settled down in the music room.

Spencer held out her sheet music to me and just as I went to take them she pulled the papers back towards her chest, "Just be honest with me Jules, if its shit or you hate it just say so alright?" She said. I rolled my eyes and nodded, putting my hand over my heart. Spencer giggled and handed over the sheet music.

I settled down in the armchair with my beer and read over her scribbled words. The lyrics were good, a tad disjointed but damn good. I had a feeling between the two of us we could come up with something brilliant. I looked thoughtfully down at the words and then glanced up to find her nervously biting her lip awaiting my reaction.

I chuckled, "Spence, relax girl, this is a great start, but I have a few ideas if that's cool?"

Spencer nodded with an earnest expression on her face, "Please, share Jules."

I picked up her discarded pencil and began to jot down some ideas. Spencer leaned over and read as I went, nodding, adding in her own input and letting out little giggles and gasps of excitement. It made me so happy to see her being herself again, instead of the sad withdrawn girls she had been of late. I hoped that she was healing.

While I was jotting down ideas the door bell rang and Spencer jogged off to get our food, both of us feeling pretty damn hungry, creativity will do that to you. Spencer was back pretty quickly with a carton of enough food to feed a small army, utensils and more beers. We sat cross legged on the floor with the food in between us and the sheet music next to it so we could both see it and work on it as we ate.

Over dinner we laughed and joked and worked on the song. By the time we'd finished eating, both so full we felt like bursting, we had come up with a decent draft of the lyrics we were both really happy with. To be honest the song was pretty much done before I put in my two cents, all I was there for was to help her fine tune it. We worked well together, Spencer and I, we had a similar style and sometimes it was scarily like we could read each other's minds. That's how I figured out that the inspiration for the song was totally one Miss Ashley Davies.

After we'd eaten (and washed our hands, Spencer wouldn't let anyone touch her instruments with dirty hands that would be sacrilegious in her book) Spencer passed me her Gibson and scooped up her Fender bass, "Ok Jules let's play this song and try out the lyrics. I think you should sing and I'll come in for the chorus, it'll work better."

"Ok gorgeous, let's rock!" I said making the rock and roll sign with my hand and banging my head up and down causing her to giggle, which was my aim for our time together. I slid the strap of her guitar over my shoulder and played a few cords to warm up while Spencer idly strummed her bass waiting for me. "Ok let's do," I said with a grin before counting us in.

We both started playing, I flashed Spencer a grin and a wink before belting out the lyrics we'd come up with.

"I never thought that I was so blind  
I can finally see the truth  
It's me for you

Tonight you can't imagine that I'm by your side  
Coz it's never gonna be the truth  
Too far for you

But can you hear me say?  
Don't throw me away  
And there's no way out  
I gotta hold you somehow"

Spencer threw me an excited smile before joining in to sing the chorus with me. Our voices worked so well together, her low husky sound complimenting my more rock edge perfectly.

"I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Everyday but all I have is time  
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Every way and when they set me free  
Just put your hands on me"

Spencer winked at me as I went into the second verse. We both had this feeling we'd come up with something really special.

"Take everything that I know you'll break  
And I give my life away  
So far for you

But can you hear me say  
Don't throw me away  
There's no way out  
I gotta hold you somehow

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Everyday but all I have is time  
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Every way and when they set me free  
Just put your hands on me

Tonight I'm weak  
It's just another day without you  
That I can't sleep  
I gave away the world for you to

Hear me say  
Don't throw me away  
There's no way out  
I gotta hold you somehow

All I wanna do is touch you  
I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Everyday but all I have is time  
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
Every way and when they set me free  
Just put your hands on me

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
But all I have is time  
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you  
You wanna touch me too  
And when they set me free  
Just put your hands on me"

We both put all out energy into the last chorus, belting out the lyrics harder than ever before. As we finished playing we were grinning goofily at each other when the sound of applause hit our ears from the doorway and made both of us jump.

We spun around like we'd been electrocuted to find Ashley leaning against the doorway with a huge beaming smile of amusement on her face.

Spencer blushed a spectacular shade of red as she held a hand to her heart, "Fuck Ash you scared the crap out of me!" I nodded my agreement and clutched at my own racing heart.

"Yeah you guys were so into the music you didn't hear me banging on the door for like fifteen minutes so I went down stairs and got the keys from Glen and let myself in, I was curious to hear what you were working on and damn it is fucking brilliant! I say get the rest of the band in on it, add some drums and all that and it should be on our demo," Ashley said enthusiastically moving to stand next to Spencer so she could give her hand a squeeze.

"Really you think so?" Spencer asked shyly. I held back a laugh, I loved the interplay between my two favourite lesbians. I just couldn't wait for the day Spencer was ready for them to get together again, because they were going to be supernova hot as a couple.

"Yeah Blue I think so, you and Jules have a great sound together, it just worked so well, plus I absolutely loved the lyrics," Ashley grinned at me and I slung an arm round her shoulder. Spencer looked straight into Ashley's eyes and beamed, it was obvious how much the brunette's opinion mattered to her.

"Well how bout we work on it tomorrow at band practice and if it works we'll play it at Pella and Entropy this weekend and see what kind of response it gets?" I suggested, earning eager nods from both women.

The three of us hung out a bit longer and then Spencer started yawning so we both headed off. I could tell Ashley wanted to wait until I'd left so she could have a moment by herself with Spencer, but then her cell rang and she had to high tail it to her sister's leaving me alone with my blonde best friend.

As we were walking down to my car Spencer wrapped an arm around my waist. I beamed and slung my arm around her shoulder holding her tight against me. "Spence, I just wanted to ask…are you ok? I mean are you doing ok with everything?" I asked tentatively.

Spencer smiled tiredly up at me and nodded, "Yeah Jules, I'm doing ok. Some days are harder than others but I'm getting there. I'm seeing a counselor and that's really helping and I'm trying to stop shutting people out so much, I'm trying to let them in so that I don't have to go through all this alone."

"Spence, you are not alone. I love you girl and am always here for you no matter what. So you need me, day, night, dusk, dawn, twilight, noon…um anytime you call me and I'll come running. Just remember," I grinned cheekily and started singing loudly, startling the people lining up waiting to get into Pella,

"When your down and troubled  
And you need a helping hand  
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.  
Close your eyes and think of me  
And soon I will be there  
To brighten up even your darkest nights.  
You just call out my name,  
And you know where ever I am  
I'll come running, oh yeah baby  
To see you again.  
Winter, spring , summer, or fall,  
All you have to do is call  
And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.  
You've got a friend."

The people outside Pella burst into applause. Spencer laughed as tears shone in her eyes and then pulled me into a hug, "God I love you Jules, even though you're a big spazz, thanks for being so amazing."

I kissed her gently on her forehead and held her close until she pulled back, "Love you too Carlin, and you my lovely are the amazing one. Now get your ass inside and I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow ok?" Spencer nodded, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and jogged back inside. I smiled to myself and climbed in my car. I had a feeling she was really going to be ok.

Spencer's POV

I took a much needed mouthful of coffee and dug into my plate of pancakes. My Dad had come around to my place to make me breakfast to celebrate a successful gig at Entropy the night before. We had performed to a massive crowd, the biggest we'd ever played to and if I was honest I was still totally on a high!

The rest of the band had been as enthusiastic about the song Julian and I had written the other nigh, which we were calling I Wanna. We had worked on it for a few hours as a whole band and then played it for the crowds at Pella and Entropy. The crowds had gone crazy for it and even demanded that we play it again as an encore at Pella.

My Dad, being the amazing father that he is, turned up first thing in the morning to look after me and in his words, "put some meat on my bones." I truly have the greatest father in the world.

We were sitting down enjoying our breakfast when my door bell sounded. Shooting my Dad a confused look, I had no freaking clue who would turn up at my place before noon on a Saturday, I jumped up to answer the door remembering to cheek the peep hole first.

I swung open the door and swallowed back a wave of nerves as I let Detective Lewis into my apartment. "Good morning Detective, how are you?"

"I'm alright Spencer thanks. I'm sorry to drop by unannounced but I was in the area on my way to the station and wanted to give you an update on the investigation," Detective Lewis said with a tired smile.

I heard my Dad walking over and after he had greeted the detective I led them both to the sofas in my living room. I sat down beside my Dad and grasped his hand tightly in mine. I was feeling an intense jumble of emotions waiting for what the detective was going to say, the front runner being fear.

"I don't want to take up too much of your time so I'll get right to it. We think we are almost ready to make an arrest. We want to make sure we have a rock solid case against this guy before we slam the cuffs on him. Once I have him in custody I never want him to walk so we're making sure all the loose ends are well and truly tied up," Detective Lewis explained as he rubbed a hand over his bald head.

I let out a sigh of relief, once they had him in custody then I'd feel safe again and maybe I could fully move on. My Dad gave my hand a gentle squeeze and smiled at the detective, "So Vic what does that mean? Do you know when the arrest will be made?"

"We're hoping in the next week or so Art, we've been working closely with the prosecutor and we think the case is fairly solid, despite the fact that Tom didn't confess. We have enough evidence and witness testimony to discredit him. I promise you we are doing our damnedest to get this guy locked up," Detective Lewis smiled kindly at us both.

"So what is being done to keep Spencer safe until this guy is off the streets?" My Dad asked with a slight frown.

"Well Art, we have a restraining order in place so should Tom come within 100 feet of Spencer we'll throw him in jail so fast his head will spin. Also we have Tom under surveillance so should he attempt to contact Spencer or to see her will pick him up for breeching the court order. I promise you Arthur, we're doing everything in our power to get this over with and keep Spencer safe," Detective Lewis replied with a look of understanding for my father. I bet in his line of work protective fathers were people he dealt with a lot.

"Thanks detective, God I just know I won't feel totally safe until I know Tom is locked up," I murmured softly.

"I know Spencer and I will call you the moment we get his arrest warrant, I promise you that. Well I'd better go get back to work if we want to get the scum locked up. Call me anytime if you have questions or need anything," Detective Lewis got to his feet and shook hands with my Dad, who thanked hi profusely, and me before letting himself out.

I turned around to face my Dad and collapsed into his arms as tears trickled down my face. I think they were tears of relief, but they could also have been because of how emotionally exhausted I was after the strain of the last few weeks. I still continue to be amazed that I still have tears to cry after the ocean I had unleashed of late.

"Well Sweetie, that's good news isn't it?" My Dad asked as he held my close.

"Yeah I guess, but I don't want to get my hopes up. This isn't over until he is convicted and sent to jail," I muttered. My Dad sighed and held me tighter. We stood like that for a while, me drawing comfort from his protective embrace.

I just wanted all this drama with Tom to be over so I could move on with my life.

Detective Lewis' POV

After I left Spencer's apartment I headed back to the station. I don't know what it was about this case, maybe it was because I kind of knew the girl or because she had endured so much, but I was desperate to see this Tom character pay for what he had done. There was no doubt in my mind that he was 100 per cent guilty and that he was a predator who would more than likely hurt someone again.

I wandered through the nearly empty office, being a Saturday there were not that many detectives around, and headed into the room I had taken over while conducting this investigation. The wall was covered in photos, notes, maps and other pieces of evidence while the large table was completely drowned in files, video tapes and bags containing anything and everything that would help get this monster behind bars.

I was certain we could get him for releasing that video of Spencer being raped. We had him for bribery (he had to bribe the clerk in the evidence archives to get the video), illegally obtaining official evidence, slander, a range of pornographic charges and even harassment. I was finding every little charge I could to throw at this guy, he was going to rot for all he had done.

As for the evidence pertaining to the attempted rape, the strongest thing we had was Ashley Davies statement and her willingness to testify in court. We had also conducted a search of Tom's apartment and found a garbage bag in his bin that had the clothes he had been wearing that morning. He had ballsed up when he just threw them in the bin. Forensic tests found traces of Spencer all over them, including her blood from a cut he'd accidentally given her.

The security cameras around the building had caught much more than we'd ever expected them too. The outside cameras backed up Ashley and Spencer's versions and timing, plus showed Tom looking dishevelled as he left. If you enhanced the sound you could also make out him muttering to him self about "showing that dyke a lesson she'll never forget" and "him giving her what she really wanted" as he walked in. we'd also been able to make out him talking to himself as he left the building too. He had been muttering about Ashley being an "interfering dyke" and how revolting it was that Spencer would choose her over him. He went on to say that had Ashley not "butted in he would have corrected Spencer in a way only a real man could." These tapes were pretty damaging for Tom.

The best part though was that the camera in the hallway outside of Spencer's front door caught the beginning of the fight between Spencer and Tom. The video clearly showed her opening the door and then trying to slam it on him to keep him out of the apartment. Spencer's voice was clearly heard saying, "Tom what the hell are you doing here?" Once he was inside the door had been left ajar so their conversation was recorded and could be heard once the tape had been enhanced.

Tom was heard snapping, "What am I doing here? Well Spencer thanks to you I got a really fucking pleasant visit from my father last night. Seems you and he had a little run in while you were on your little date with that dyke"

"Tom don't do this ok, you're drunk and I have nothing to say to you. You really need to leave," Spencer was heard replying. The rest of the tape lacked any visual confirmation, but the audio was pretty conclusive. Once we had gotten our tech guys to enhance it quite a few things had been heard, particularly Spencer screaming at Tom to leave and Tom very clearly yelling at her, "Oh don't worry Spencer I won't be using my fingers. I'm going to give it to you like a man does, not the way your perverted little girlfriend would do it."

I had felt physically sick when I'd listened to the enhanced tape of the assault. This coupled with the testimony of Spencer and Ashley should be enough to convict that bastard, but I wanted to be sure. I couldn't stand the thought of a predator like Tom Brooks walking the streets.

I spent the morning going over all the evidence we had accumulated, praying that it would be enough. I would see this guy locked up for what he had done if it was the last thing I did.

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**Songs used in this chapter:**

**James Taylor – You Got A Friend**

**All American Rejects – I Wanna**


	26. In The Studio

**Thank you one and all for your reviews, much love to you all!**

**drummergirl244 – Thanks, see this chapter for an original song! Looking forward to reading yours**

**sunsetstrip2010 – Oh thanks, I love Jules too and he was never intended to be a threat to Ashley and Spencer. Ah the anticipation huh, that will just make it all the sweeter when they finally get together**

**somthgIlike2do – Oh yeah thank god for video with audio! Our girls will be scorching when everything falls into place**

**uluvme – The All American Rejects are beyond Awesome, I've seen them live twice and they were incredible. Thanks! Music is my life. I love Jules too, and fingers crossed for our girls and their happy ending**

**LoveAsh87 – Thank, Jules is a good guy and I like writing him**

**mutt009 – Oh yeah Jules is a dork, but I love him like that! So you kissed the ground yet? **

**WillowOn3 – Aw thanks! I wish I had me a real life Julian, I love him. He is good for Spencer right now, just what she needs. I have thought about going back to social work but sadly my current job pays better and will ultimately get me where I want to go. Thanks again my friend**

**DarceLynn – Detective Lewis is on the case! Aw thanks, music is vital to life lol and yes Spencer is an excellent song writer lol**

**Dark Vizard447 – You have a good point, I think Sally would be horrified if she could see what Tom has done**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN is not mine which makes me cry myself to sleep.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Six ****– In The Studio**

Spencer's POV

We walked into the Guiding Light Recording Studio in down town L.A., all gazing in awe at the sound equipment and photos of famous artists in the recording booth along the walls. I was holding tightly to Ashley's hand as excitement coursed through me.

It had been a week since we'd signed up with Derek and four days since Detective Lewis had been to see me. I will admit that I had been a big jumble of nerves since then, just waiting for the call from the detective telling me that Tom was locked up where he couldn't hurt me and mine.

I had been pretty withdrawn the last few days, pulling away from everyone including Ashley. I know, I know I shouldn't do that, but I just needed some time to sort through the drama in my head, my counsellor helped with that a lot. I had started having these nightmares about Tom and what he did. You'd think that knowing he would probably be getting arrested soon would make me feel safer, instead I was a big ball on tension.

I had the first nightmare the night after Detective Lewis came around and had been having them like clock work each night since, meaning I was pretty tired to say the least. These nightmares were vivid, practically had surround sound! Each night I was reliving that morning and, not surprisingly, it was getting to me.

I had spoken on the phone to Ashley everyday, but was reluctant to see her one on one as I wasn't ready to share much, which I think she could tell. Ashley was wonderful. She wouldn't push me, but kept gently reminding me to not shut her out. I told her about my nightmares and how tense they were making me, without going into a lot of detail. She patiently listened to me and offered to come around anytime, day or night, if I wanted her too. I am lucky to have her in my life.

The only times I had felt even close to ok since everything went down with Tom was when I was with Ashley, Julian or my family (aside from Paula) and playing music. Those are my lifelines, my loved ones and my music.

Our gigs on the weekend had been insane! There was a line of people right down the street just waiting to get in and the bars were filled to capacity. People were clapping and cheering for us, even calling out our names and singing along with our lyrics. It was such a buzz and we were beyond eager to get in the studio and start recording our music. Being up on stage I got to be me, I got to forget the shit in my life for a couple of hours. That was a damn powerful thing.

After the shows at Pella and Entropy we had decided on the songs we wanted to record as our demo. We wanted to show a range of what we could do as a band, including changing up the singing so potential record labels could hear all three of our bands singers perform. It had been a pretty unanimous decision for us, for such different people we were all remarkably on the same wave length when it came to our music.

We were met by Derek just outside the recording booth, he looked almost as excited as we were. "Hey guys, how are you all feeling today?" Derek asked with a blinding smile. I mean this guy had to have had the whitest smile ever, it made my eyes hurt.

"Nervous," Julian said with a crooked smile while the rest of us chuckled and nodded our agreement.

Derek laughed, "Well there is no need to be nervous, you guys are seriously talented and I know you will make yourselves proud in the booth today. So what is the final line up of songs for the demo?"

"Um well we have but we couldn't keep it down to six, we did narrow it down to seven though," Julian admitted sheepishly.

Derek chuckled, "Well we will record them all and then see what works best ok? You guys ready to do this?" We all excitedly told him yes and followed him into the studio to meet the producer and technician we would be working with. Introductions were made and then we set up our instruments so that we could lay down the music tracks. We were recording each instrument separately so that they could be layered together later on.

We got Grey in the studio first to lay in the drum tracks. It was kinda cool to hear the drum part of the songs without the rest of our instruments playing over the top. It gave me a new appreciation for just how talented Grey was. He threw himself into songs like they would be the last he would ever play, his passion and intensity never waning.

It didn't take long to lay down the drum track, Grey made like four mistakes total, which has got to be a record or something. After Grey stepped out of the booth to thunderous applause from all of us, including Derek, the producer and the technician, Jen headed in to lay down the piano tracks.

Jen swept her now short auburn hair into a messy bun as she stepped to the keyboard. She played a few tracks to warm up and then nodded over at us to signal she was ready to start recording. I had to close my eyes at the beautiful sound of the piano. We used a keyboard for our performances but the songs were written to have the piano as their backbone.

We all had to laugh when, in the middle of playing The Resolution, Jen got to her feet and passionately pounded on the keys. Her eyes were closed and her body tense as she threw everything into that song. It was incredible to see.

The mood changed then and I felt tears spill from my eyes when Jen played a flawless version of Come Down To Me, the song Ashley had written for me. I felt Ashley slip her arm around my shoulders and leaned into her comforting warmth. I have never felt safer in my life than I do when I am in her arms.

After the song had ended I opened my eyes and found Ashley smiling down at me. I gave her a shy smile and leaned up to place a soft kiss on her cheek, making her smile grow exponentially. I just leaned further into her and let her tighten her hold on me as we sat and listened to Jen finish laying down the piano elements of the tracks. I had always loved piano music, it soothed me, and Jen was a master of her instrument so hearing her play unaccompanied was a treat I thoroughly enjoyed.

Next up was Julian, he slung his guitar over his shoulder and threw me a wink through the glass, which made me giggle. He was a one in a million guy and I was so glad he was my friend. He, like everyone in my life, had put up with so much when it came to me and I was beyond grateful to still have them all.

Julian strummed a series of cords to get warmed up and then began playing. He is a sublimely talented guitarist. The passion and emotion he put into the music was haunting. Listening to him play took me back to the days where we would hang out in the music room at College and just jam. Life could never touch us while we were jamming like that, we were just two kids who loved the music.

I think Julian was feeling as nostalgic as me because he looked up at me and winked again before giving me a cheesy smile that made me giggle. Ashley looked over at me with her head cocked to the side as if to ask what the joke was. I just rolled my eyes and giggled again.

Julian took a little longer in the recording booth than the others had. He kept wanting to improve on what he had done, problem was he was doing it perfectly the first time around so all the additional takes were kind of redundant. It took Ashley standing up and calling him a stupid little bitch before he traded his guitar for his cello to play the cello part of Come Down to Me.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees with my face resting in my hands while I listened to the music. It was a beautiful thing to watch Julian play the cello. His whole body contorted and shifted as the music played. It was like the music was coming from within him and it was beautiful. As he finished playing, getting it right first take, we all burst into enthusiastic applause.

Julian smiled bashfully and then rolling his eyes, took a bow making us all laugh. Ever the joker that Julian.

Ashley was up next. She sent me a wink before stepping into the recording booth and picking up her guitar. She perched on a stool and checked that it was in tune before playing a little to warm up her fingers. I loved watching her fingers on the strings, they were so strong, so confident, so sure. As much as I wasn't quite ready for us, I couldn't help but fantasise about what those fingers could do to me. What?! I'm only human.

Blushing a little at the turn my thoughts had taken I settled back on the sofa I was sharing with Julian and waited for Ashley to begin. Julian smirked over at me, "What?" I asked with an innocent look.

"Well Princess it's just that you have a look on your face as though Ashley is the last Snickers bar on earth and you are a starving chocoholic," Julian teased. I felt my eyes widen and my cheeks get hot as I blushed hard. "Hey don't be ashamed Spence, this thing between you and her has been building for so long and despite everything that's happened it's still very much there. I know you aren't ready Sweet Pea, but when you are it's going to be electric."

I grinned over at him and socked him playfully on the shoulder, just making him laugh more. Rolling my eyes I turned to face the booth where Ashley was getting ready to lay down her guitar tracks. She flashed me that gorgeous nose-crinkling smile of hers and started to play.

Ashley's fingers danced over the strings as she effortlessly played the guitar. Her face became peaceful and serene as she began playing, only to become intense and almost pained as she worked her way through the songs, particularly as she played Breakeven. She knew what that song meant and you could see her struggling under the emotion of the song.

Ashley's POV

How the hell was I supposed to do justice to a song that meant so damn much? I know the story behind the song, I know how much of herself Spencer put into Breakeven and now they expect me to sit alone in this recording studio and play a guitar track that will actually be good enough for this song. That is a tad too much pressure.

I finished playing the song and frowned, it did not sound right to me. I cocked my head in thought and leaned into the microphone, "Sorry I need to do that again, it didn't feel right."

"Sure Ashley let's do another take, from the top," Neil the sound technician said through the intercom as the producer, Sam, frowned a little.

I nodded and started playing again. I ran through the song about five times, with no take sounding right to me. I was seriously feeling so angry with myself, no one had done five takes of a song far, not even Julian 'Mr. Perfectionist'. I couldn't look Spencer in the eye, I didn't want to see what she thought about me butchering her song.

I noticed Julian lean over and whisper something in Spencer's ear which made her smile softly. Now if I was a less secure person I would have automatically assumed that they were talking about me…thankfully I am very secure…ok who am I kidding? I straight away felt like a high school kid who suspected that all their friends were talking trash about them.

While I was having my internal freak out, Spencer got to her feet and said something to Derek before opening the door to the recoding booth and walking in. Spencer looked at me with a sweet smile as she made her way to my side. She squatted down so that she was looking up at me and smirked a little, "So what's going on in that head of yours Brown? You know this song inside out and are playing beautifully, so why all the takes? The first one was perfect and each subsequent one is just as wonderful."

I looked down at the guitar in my lap and blushed a little, before Spencer Carlin walked into my life I'm pretty sure you could count all the times I have blushed on one hand. Spencer reached up and gently covered my hand with hers. I sighed and then said softly, "I just don't want to mess up your song. I know what your music means to you and I guess I'm feeling the pressure to get it right."

Spencer's smile grew to dazzling proportions as she gave my hand a tender squeeze, "You are too sweet Ashley Davies, but you are getting the song more than right. Hearing you play music I wrote so much better than I could ever envisage hearing it played moves me in ways I could never fully express. You move me Ashley." Spencer blushed a little, but kept her eyes on mine.

I beamed at that, probably a little too big. I ran my thumb over her knuckles and murmured, "It is completely mutual, you move me too Spencer Carlin. Now get your gorgeous ass out of the booth so I can finish recording these songs!"

Spencer giggled and got to her feet, "Go on then Rock Star, show us what you got." Spencer winked at me and then walked out of the booth. I smiled to myself before strumming a few random cords on my guitar.

"Alright so we're done with Breakeven, let's move on!" I said into the microphone with a grin. I saw Julian pull a giggling Spencer down onto his lap and smiled harder. She had been so withdrawn the last few days, since she'd started having nightmares about Tom, so it was like a breath of fresh air to see her being herself and letting herself just relax.

The rest of the songs went smoothly, I did do three takes of I Wanna though, but it's new and I've only played it a handful of times so I think that was fair enough. Once I'd finished the last song I stood up and took a bow amid the loud cheers from the rest of the band, loudest of course from Spencer.

I stepped out of the booth and held the door open for Spencer, "You're up Blue."

Spencer climbed off Julian's lap and winked at me as she headed into the booth and scooped up her Fender Bass. She flicked on the amp and began playing, just warming up her digits. I watched, mesmerised as her fingers worked the bass. I will admit I couldn't help but picture what those skilful fingers could do to me. I know we weren't technically together, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine what it would be like. And trust me, it would be scorching!

Spencer smirked out at us and once she was given the go ahead started strumming the perfect bass line to Breakeven. She breezed through the songs, playing them like she had been doing it her whole life. I was in awe of her talent. She has to be the most talented bass player I have ever had the pleasure of playing music with.

Spencer finished laying the bass tracks with no more than two takes on each song and then she exchanged her bass for her violin so she could play the violin that I had added to the arrangement of Come Down To Me. Spencer settled the instrument on her shoulder and rested her chin gently against it before checking to see if it was in tune.

Nodding to Neil she lifted her bow and slowly brought it down across the strings, drawing out the most hauntingly beautiful note I have ever heard. Spencer's body bent and swayed as the music swelled around the room. Spencer's eyes were closed and the most serene smile covered her lips. The music overtook her, seeping into her soul and consuming her, sending her to soaring heights.

As the music built a single tear made its way from underneath her tightly closed eye lid and trickled down her cheek. Everyone in the studio was silent and still as they sat in awe listening to the hauntingly transcendent melody.

As Spencer played the last note, she opened her eyes and this magical little smile spread across her face. She knew she had just done something really special. The rest of us jumped to our feet and gave her a thunderous standing ovation. Spencer blushed fire engine red and jumped, I'm fairly certain she had forgotten there was anyone else in the room. Once she'd composed herself she smiled self-depreciatingly and took a little bow, which made Julian start with the wolf whistles and cat calls which of course made me punch him.

Still blushing furiously Spencer stepped out of the recoding booth and let Julian pull her into his arms, lifting her clean off the ground. "Spence that was fucking brilliant, like the best I have ever heard you play. You are a freaking Goddess!" Julian gushed as he spun her around before setting her on her feet.

Spencer giggled and blushed harder as Jen and Grey took their turns giving her a hug and Derek shook her hand enthusiastically as he wiped tears from his face. Once she had gotten her congratulations from the others she turned to me with that little smile I know no one gets directed at them but me. I opened my arms and she melted into them, fitting perfectly against me.

I ran my hands softly over her back and heard her sigh in contentment against my neck. I smiled and whispered in her ear, "You did so damn great in there Blue." I felt her lips curl up in a smile against my skin and placed a gentle kiss on her silky sun-kissed blonde hair.

As we stood there the conversation continued around us, but we were in our own little world. When we pulled back from each other it was only because the others had started moving around picking up their instruments and bags.

Julian grinned over at us, "We're done for today. Neil and Sam are going to lay the tracks together and then we'll come in tomorrow to hear them and lay down the vocals. That ok with you two?"

We nodded and Spencer mumbled, "Sure," before picking up our own instruments and saying good bye to Neil and Sam before they started heading out. I so couldn't wait until we finished the tracks and got to hear them. This was all so exciting.

As we were walking out of the studio I noticed Spencer standing unmoving just beside the booth. I put down my guitar case and bag and walked to her side. I reached out tentatively and covered her shoulder with my hand, "You alright Blue?"

Spencer jumped a little, like she was lost in her own little world and I shocked her back to the present. "Yeah I'm ok, I didn't sleep much last night, with the nightmares and all. I woke up at like 4 am and just couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep. I couldn't bear reliving that morning again," Spencer murmured.

I took her instruments and bag from her and led her over to the sofa. We sat down and I took her hand in mine, "I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through Spence, but I know what it's like to relive that morning. Hell I relive it every time I close my eyes."

Her eyes widened, "You do?"

"Yeah Blue I do. It was a traumatic experience for you, hell for both of us, and it is going to stay with us for a while. You will have good days and you will have bad ones, but always remember I am here for you. We're in this together Blue," I said with a soft smile.

Spencer grinned and nodded, "Thank you. Damn you should get a medal for always being able to say the right things." I laughed and shook my head. Spencer gave my hand a squeeze and smiled sarcastically, "At least the upside of these sleepless nights is that I have had the time to write some songs."

"Yeah? Anything you want to share?" I asked curiously. Spencer was so talented that the opportunity to hear a new song from her was like Christmas and a trip to Disney land in one.

Spencer smiled shyly and said, "Ok, but this one is a little rough, it's not done yet." I nodded with a grin and Spencer rolled her eyes at me. She climbed to her feet and picked up an acoustic guitar that was resting against the wall. She quickly tuned it and started strumming, all the while smiling softly to herself.

I sat forward in my seat in anticipation of what was to come, holding my breath until she started singing the first line.

"I can't put this day to rest

Too much has happened

Too much has changed

I'm caught in this place

I can't stay here

And yet I can't walk away

Maybe that's how I wound up on the ledge

Maybe that's why I wanted to give it all up

Then you found me and you said

There is nothing to be afraid of

There is no reason to hide

Baby its just life

Baby its just life"

I felt tears making there way down my face. Spencer's eyes were closed as tears escaped to meander down her cheeks. She looked haunted, broken but also hopeful as she sang the lyrics. I know Spencer always puts a lot of herself into her music, but I think this was one of the most personal to date.

"I told you I couldn't take it

We can't go back

We can't go forward

You and I are stuck in this moment

We're standing still

Unable to move at all

Maybe that's how I wound up on the ledge

Maybe that's why I wanted to give it all up

Then you found me and you said

There is nothing to be afraid of

There is no reason to hide

Baby its just life

Baby its just life

I cried out that I was scared

My heart was at risk

My soul on the line

How can I move on

When so much is at stake

And I stand to loose it all

You smiled then laughed

You took my hand and sang

Baby its just life

Every song eventually ends

But is that any reason

Not to enjoy the music?

There is nothing to be afraid of

There is no reason to hide

Baby its just life

Baby its just life

Enjoy the music

Because Baby its just life."

I rose from my seat and applauded until my hands were stinging. Spencer blushed and smiled bashfully down at the ground. I walked over to her and gently took the guitar from her hands, laying it on the floor I turned around and took her in my arms. Both of us started to cry then as we clutched tightly to one another, seeking and giving comfort. We stood like that for a while and then she moved back a bit so she could look at me.

"I wrote that song over the last couple of nights when I haven't been able to sleep. Thinking about what happened with Tom and then everything with you I had to get it all out. I don't know if I will ever play this song for anyone else, but I wanted you to hear it," Spencer confessed.

"Thank you for sharing it with me. It was heart breaking and so beautiful. It was so honest and true, I am so fucking honoured that you would share that with me," I whispered.

Spencer smiled softly before leaning in and kissing me tenderly on the cheek. I took her hand and we picked up our stuff before walking out of the studio. As we stepped out side I cast a glance up to the stars and sent a tiny thank you up above to a high power I'm not sure exists for giving me this moment with Spencer Carlin.

-------------

After a gruelling day in the recording booth, Spencer, Julian and I had recorded all the vocals for the songs we wanted on our demo. I was so damn proud of all we had accomplished with this band since Spencer had joined it. It was amazing how until she joined the band (and my life) I never realised there was anything missing and now I couldn't be without her.

We were sitting in the studio awaiting the play back on all seven tracks, it would be the first time the five of us (plus Derek) had heard the completed songs all together. I looked down at the song list and smiled. We really had put together a great mix of music. It showed our diversity as a band and demonstrated the song writing ability we had. I was proud of the work we had done to get here.

"Ok gang, this is the rough cut of the demo, we'll do a bit more work on it later and then get a final copy to you guys in a few days. You ready?" Sam the producer said flipping his shoulder length blonde hair back over his shoulder like he was in a shampoo commercial.

I felt Spence scoot closer to me on the sofa and grab my hand, a look of nervous excitement on her beautiful face. I gave her hand a squeeze and bit my lip in nervous anticipation as Neil hit play. I saw Julian sling an arm around Spencer's shoulder from his place on her other side and grinned over at him.

The intro to The Resolution started spilling out of the speakers and it sounded better than I had ever dreamed it could. Julian's voice was strong and clear and harmonised perfectly with Spencer's when she came in on the chorus.

The music built perfectly as it flowed around us. Spencer had this little smile of pride on her lips. You could tell how much this meant to her. Spencer turned to look at me and smiled tenderly, it was as if she could feel my eyes on her and you know what she probably could.

I smiled back at her and we held each other's gaze as the next song started. Her smile became even softer as the intro to By Your Side started. She bit her lip and gazed up at me from under her eye lashes, her smile coy and almost flirty. Julian glanced over at us and chuckled quietly to himself. I loved the way that guy was rooting for us to get together. I knew what Spencer meant to him so I took it as a compliment that he wanted us to be together.

We all grew increasingly more excited as we listened to the demo. It sounded better than we could have ever hoped. The song line up ended up being,

The Resolution

By Your Side

I Wanna

Come Down To Me

Breakeven

Leaving

The Perfect Way To Meet

I was beyond proud of our work, especially Spencer's. She had written or collaborated in writing five of the seven songs and inspired the two other ones (which were both written by me), I mean let's face it without her there would be no Fear Itself. Before Spencer the band was stagnant, I mean we had the talent but once she joined everything just started to happen.

After the last note of The Perfect Way To Meet played through the speakers we all burst into applause and loud cheers. We jumped to our feet and embraced each other, Derek, Sam and Neil, all of us practically bouncing on the spot in excitement. This was a huge step for us and it was crazy how smoothly it had gone.

"You guys were fucking brilliant! That was one of the best, most stress free recording sessions I have ever had the privilege of working on. I can see big things happening with this," Neil said with a huge, beaming smile.

"I'd second that, now here are some beers," Sam paused to pass around the cold bottles and wait til we had opened them (I had to open Spencer's for her, much to her embarrassment), "Ok I'd like to propose a toast to Fear Itself and say what an honour it has been to work on this demo with you all! Fear Itself!"

We all echoed his words and touched our bottles together before drinking deeply. This was one of those moments that would forever go down as life changing. I looked up and caught a pair of big blue eyes gazing at me and beamed. I knew that I wanted Spencer beside me for all the life changing moments still to come.

------------

**Song used in this Chapter**

**- Baby Its Just Life written by Me (there you go drummergirl244, another original song from me. I would love to hear what you think)**

**Ok so I was thinking…I'm trying to decide what song to use as the bands first single in this fic so I thought I'd ask you guys.**

**The lyrics to all the songs can be found in past chapters if you wanted to check them out.**

**These are the songs to choose from, let me know what you think,**

**The Resolution**

**By Your Side**

**I Wanna**

**Come Down To Me**

**Breakeven**

**Leaving **

**The Perfect Way To Meet**


	27. I’ve Got A Dark Alley…

**Just a warning, this chapter is pretty graphic. I mean no offence, but this felt true to the story.**

**See end of the chapter for my response to your wonderful reviews.**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN is not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven ****– I've Got A Dark Alley…**

Julian's POV

It had been a truly epic couple of days for me and for Fear Itself. The band had just recorded our demo and it had sounded so freaking awesome I almost wanted to ask if it was really us on the recording or if they'd dubbed in other musicians and vocalists.

This was all a dream come true, literally, I had been dreaming of this happening since I was about five or six and I had picked up my uncle's electric guitar for the first time. I remember my uncle getting so mad that I would, and I quote, 'scratch his axe' and my mother freaking out that I would lose interest in the piano she had been forcing me to take lessons on since I was about three or the cello she'd just started forcing down my throat. Needless to say Mommy dearest is less than thrilled with my current musical endeavours.

After leaving the recording studio I headed out, I was way too excited to just head home like the others had (Spencer and Jen had to work the next morning, Ashley looked kinda exhausted and was going on and on about heading home for a hot bath and Grey was baby sitting his niece, my fellow band members were all very rock and roll). I was wandering down this street fairly close to my house, on my way to a friend's place to engage in a celebratory drink or two when I saw him.

Tom fucking Brooks, the man who had almost destroyed my Spencer. My hatred for that guy knew no bounds and no end. I despised any man who would use violence and force against a woman, it was a despicable act that deserved no forgiveness, but Tom held a special place of hatred in my heart after attacking Spencer. What he did to her was beyond redemption especially considering he knew what she had been through over the last few years.

He knew what Carmen and Paula had put her through, he knew the pain and degradation she had been subjected to and yet he put her through that kind of torment again. What he had done was a reprehensible act and I for one hoped he burned in hell for it, after he rotted in prison for a damn long time of course. He deserved to see his life completely crumble around him, because he had practically destroyed Spencer's and left her to struggle through picking up the pieces.

Hate was not a strong enough word for what I felt for Tom Brooks, a strong enough word didn't exist in any language that was spoken on earth. I loathed that guy and wished only bad things for him.

As I watched him, Tom staggered into a liquor store, clearly already pretty drunk. I had never seen his so dishevelled. His clothes were stained and filthy, his hair was grimy and sticking up all over the place and even from here I had the sense that he probably stuck to high heaven.

I had never liked the guy, I had always had a bad feeling about him, even when he was in school with my brother. There was always something about him, like a warning light or something that said to handle with caution.

Tom Brooks was never good enough for Spencer and I had always known without her having to say it that she was only with Tom because of that bitch mother of hers. I mean hello Spencer is a lesbian, so her being with a _guy _was more than likely not really her choice.Paula Carlin had a fucking lot to answer for. She had manipulated and taken advantage of her vulnerable daughter when she was too broken to fight back and as a result she had practically handed her daughter to her potential rapist on a platter.

I walked closer to the liquor store and glanced inside in time to see Tom paying for a bottle of cheap scotch and couldn't help but smile sardonically to myself. My how the mighty had fallen. Time was you would never see Tom drinking anything even remotely cheap, he felt that he was above it all.

I felt torn as I watched him through the grimy window of the liquor store. Part of me wanted to have it out with him, tell him what scum I thought he was and beat the living shit out of him, while the other part of me knew he wasn't worth it and that I should just let the police do their job and get that son of a bitch locked up.

I was still having my little internal struggle when Tom came ambling out of the store and stopped dead when he saw me. An ugly sneer covered his face and he drawled, "Well, well look what we have here! This is a pleasant surprise! It's Spencer's boy. What are you doing out so late little Julian?"

I contemplated responding for about a second before I shook my head and started walking away, muttering, "You're so not even worth it Brooks."

Tom laughed and stepped in front of me to halt my movement, "Julian come now don't be like that, just because you're jealous of me." I scoffed in disbelief and glared angrily at him, all the while picturing what he would look like with my fist smashing repeatedly into his face. Tom just laughed again, "I know you have feelings for Spencer Julian, it must just kill you that I got into her before you did."

I clenched my hands into tight fists, struggling to maintain my self control, and snarled, "Just get the fuck away from me Tom. Get the fuck away from me!"

Tom sneered, "Strike a nerve did I? Well as they say, the truth hurts. Julian, my man, Spencer doesn't love you, she'll never let you touch her, let alone fuck her, which is a shame really because she has seriously got to be one of the best fucks I have ever had. The things that girl will let you do to her…hmmm."

I brushed past Tom, bumping him hard with my shoulder. I detested him. He was a disgusting pig of a man who didn't deserve to be free, what he deserved was to be locked up with a hundred other men getting raped in the shower so then he knew what it felt like to be violated. I hated the way he was talking about Spencer, she was my sister, my family and it made me seethe with rage to hear this prick talk about her like that. I started striding up the street, away from Tom, my fury barely contained.

"Oh Julian where are you going? The truth burn you did it? Or is all this talk of fucking Spencer just turning you on? I bet it is, I bet when you go to bed tonight you'll be thinking of it while you jerk off, am I right?" Tom taunted with a sinister grin.

I kept walking, finding it harder and harder not to launch myself at him and tear his hateful face off his fucking skull. I would not give him the satisfaction of uttering a single word or reacting in any way, even though I was angrier than I had ever felt in my entire life. I would not respond to his taunts.

Tom jogged unsteadily to keep up with me, all the while smirking. "So you aren't going to talk to me any more huh? Well that's too bad, I guess I'll have to talk enough for the both of us then. So Julian did you know that Spencer likes it rough? Well, my friend, she does. She loves being dominated. I think that morning in her bedroom, oh yeah you know the one I'm talking about, was the wettest and most turned on I have ever felt her. If Ashley hadn't shown up Spencer would have willingly given it up and fucking loved every God damn second of it."

Hearing that I snapped. I lost what little control I still had and grabbed Tom by the throat to drag him into the near by alley way and throw him forcefully against the wall, all the while holding him there by his throat. I squeezed my fingers around his throat until his eyes started popping out a little and then I practically screamed at him, "Shut the fuck up now or I will put you in a fucking body bag, do you hear me?!"

Tom laughed and sneered, the sickening smell of cheap booze coming off him in waves, "What's wrong Julian? Is all this talk making you jealous? Do you wish it was you who got to pound into little Miss Carlin? Do you want me to tell you how tight she is and how she feels when you enter her? Do you want me to tell you how she bites her lip to keep from screaming as I have my way with her. Spencer acts all prim and proper, like a 'nice' girl, but underneath it all she is just a dirty whore like all the others."

I tightened my hold on his throat and slammed his head back into the wall hard enough to make a sickening crunch sound. I growled angrily, "Shut up Tom, just shut the fuck up!"

Tom chuckled again, not at all deterred by his new head injury, "You know Spencer wanted it Julian, she was practically begging for it like the bitch in heat that she is. Hey I bet you never actually properly watched that video Carmen made of them did you? If you had you'd have seen that our Spencer Carlin is just another horny little bitch. She loved every second of it, I promise you that."

That was when I completely lost it. I slammed my fist hard into Tom's face, first once and then again and again until I'd lost count of the number of times I'd hit him. I held him roughly against the wall to keep him up as he sagged towards the ground and pounded my fist repeatedly into his face and stomach until there was blood all over both of us. I unleashed all the pent up rage I felt towards him and channelled it into my flying fist. I looked down at my hand and saw the skin on my knuckles was spilt and bleeding and that is when I let Tom sink to the ground in a bloody, broken heap.

Tom lay on the ground, his breathing shallow and was barely conscious. I felt not a shred of remorse for what I had done. He deserved this and more. I glared furiously down at the pathetic, broken excuse for a human being and spat in his face before snarling, "You are a repulsive, revolting excuse for a man Tom Brooks and if you ever come near Spencer or anyone else I love again then I won't hold back, I won't show the restraint I have shown tonight. You ever lay a hand on her again and I will put you in the fucking ground without a single seconds thought. Do you understand me?"

I didn't wait for a response, I doubt he was capable of giving me one in his condition, I stepped back and aimed a series of hard kicks straight into Tom's midsection. It was like I couldn't control myself. The anger was overtaking me. I felt nothing but rage and a sense of vindication as Tom lay on the ground groaning and gasping for air as blood flowed from his various injuries. He was not in good shape and I couldn't make myself care.

I turned to walk away and then turned back to face the monster who had hurt my friend, "I hope you rot Tom, I hope you fucking rot," I sneered before sending one final kick to his stomach and then at long last walking away. I left the beaten man lying in a pool of his own blood on a filthy sidewalk in an alley way in a shady part of L.A. and felt absolutely nothing.

I walked down the street, ambling aimlessly and almost unconsciously towards my house. Once I got inside I staggered through the house to the bathroom and washed Tom's blood off my hands, arms and face. I noticed then that my clothing was covered in filth and blood so I started ripping my blood splattered clothing off. Once I was naked I stared at myself in the mirror and hardly recognised the shell-shocked, pale man staring back at me. I tore my gaze from the mirror and stepped into the shower which I turned on and made the water run burning hot. It was then that I noticed how badly I was shaking. I sunk to the floor of my shower and wrapped my arms around myself as shock set in and my body convulsed with tremors.

I knew that Tom deserved what I had done. He deserved that and more. What was scaring me was the fact that I could beat a man to almost unconsciousness and not feel a shred of remorse. I felt a tear roll down my check and mingle with the stinging water. I had no idea why I was crying.

After a few minutes under the harsh, punishing spray I staggered to my feet and out of the shower. I dried off quickly and threw on some clean clothes before chucking my dirty clothes in the hamper and heading into the bands practice space. I sunk down in a heap onto one of the mismatched sofas and pulled out my phone. I made a call to the one person I knew could understand what had gone down and fifteen minutes later my door was thrown open rather violently.

"Jules! Where the fucking hell are you? What is going on?!" Ashley called out as she came barrelling into the room, her voice drowning in worry. As soon as she saw me she crossed the floor and plonked herself down beside me on the battered old sofa her face a wash with concern, "Ok J man you gonna tell me what happened tonight?"

I nodded slowly and swallowed around the lump in my throat, "I had a run in with Tom Brooks tonight Ash."

Ashley eyes narrowed and flashed in anger at the mere mention of that guy's name, she hated him even more than I did, "Are you alright Jules? I mean he didn't hurt you did he? Please tell me you are ok right?"

I nodded again and then sighed as I ran a hand through my damp hair, "Yeah I'm alright Ash…but, um…well Tom's not."

"Fuck…what did you do Jules?" Ashley asked hesitantly reaching over to take my hand in hers and giving it a soft squeeze of reassurance. I knew that of all people Ashley was going to understand why I had attacked Tom. She loved Spencer as much as I did, although of course we loved her in very different ways.

"I beat him up Ash, pretty much into unconsciousness and then I left him in an alley way, bleeding all over the fucking place," I paused and took a deep, shaky breath, "You know the worst part? I beat a man into a bloody fucking pulp and I just don't care." I said in a dead, emotionless voice as I started to tremble again.

Ashley sucked in a deep breath and stared at me, "I really can't say that I blame you Julian. I remember when I walked in that morning and saw what he was trying to do to her I wanted to kill him. That fucking morning will forever be burned in my mind and I swear to you that if I hadn't been so worried about Spencer, and checking if she was ok I honestly think I would have beaten him to death with that fucking broom." Ashley paused and sighed tiredly, "I'm going to go call the police, give them an anonymous tip off. We really can't let that bastard die before he has to serve time, he can't get off that easily."

I nodded and Ashley got to her feet. She left the room and was back a few minutes later, sliding her cell phone back into the pocket of her jeans. "Well that's done, apparently someone already reported it and he's on his way to the hospital in a stable but critical condition, the cop was a little too easy to get info out of now that I think about it" Ashley murmured as she took a seat beside me. "Jules you want to know something? I know you say you don't care about what you did to Tom, but man you are trembling and clearly upset about it so you do care. Tom is an evil guy who hurt someone you love and you reacted, which is totally understandable. Please don't be too hard on yourself Jules, you are only human," Ashley said with a sad smile.

I stared at her, took a deep breath and muttered, "I don't want Spencer to know what I did. I can't stand the thought of her hurting because of this shit that I have done."

Ashley nodded, "I agree, I don't want her to know either. Despite everything Tom Brooks has done to her she still wouldn't want this and I don't want anything to upset her while she's still dealing with everything. Spencer is one of the most selfless people I know and she would never want you going through this on her behalf. As for me I am so grateful to you for sticking up for Spencer, you are a good friend to her Jules and I know that you'll always look out for her when I can't." Ashley flashed me a ghost of a smile.

"You know I would do anything for her Ash. I love Spencer, she's my family and best friend. When I heard the way Tom was talking about her, the things he was saying, I just lost it. It was like I had no control over myself and I just started wailing on him. I'm not proud of what I did, but I would do it again if it meant protecting her or someone else I love," I mumbled. Ashley smiled softly and we fell into silence, each of us lost in thought.

We sat next to each other quietly on the sofa for quite a while until my eyes started closing on their own accord and I slumped against the sofa, I guess the shock and stress of the previous few hours had taken its toll on me. As I was drifting off to sleep I felt Ashley stand up and heard her whisper, "Don't beat yourself up over this Jules, you were protecting her and if the choice comes down to protecting someone you love and being wrong or not doing anything and being right, then I say be wrong every fucking time. Thank you for standing up for her, you're a good guy Julian."

I listened to the sound of her feet walking away across the carpet and the gentle swish as the door closed softly behind her before I slipped into the dark peace of sleep.

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**Thanks for the reviews, you guys make me smile**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – Aw thanks, I know first single is a tough choice, hence why I threw it out to my wonderful readers**

**WillowOn3 – Aw thanks so much, that is so nice of you! Id love to hear my lyrics sung against a killer tune. Don't worry Julian will look after them all. Thanks again, you are too awesome!**

**uluvme – I like a happy Spencer too and the domino effect her happiness creates! Thanks so much, glad you liked the song I wrote**

**drummergirl244 – Wow, really? That awesome. I'm so glad you not only liked the song but also felt the emotion behind it. Sadly I cannot sing and my musical talent is not great. I play the bass (well am learning) and a little piano. Thanks so very much **

**ashikinz – thanks, I have to agree with you, the album is brilliant and Breakeven is an awesome song.**

**mutt009 – Wow you hate Tom even more? Who knew that was possible?! Aw no ground kissing? Well ok then I guess I have to not ignore parts of what you say then lol**

**somthgIlike2do – Ah I was wondering when someone was going to notice Paula's absence. She will be popping back in at sometime. **

**Spaiden14 – Thanks! That means a lot. Music is my life so I love that I get to use it in this fic. Glad you liked the original song too.**

**DarceLynn – Aw thanks, glad you liked the song I wrote. Hmm Breakeven is pretty popular**

**ilovemyself26 – Wow thank you. I am so glad I don't disappoint, I hope and I can keep it up. Thanks again **

**slushhy, LoveAsh87, Life-Live-Love-Learn – Thanks so much**

Thanks to everyone who put in a vote for their fav song for the bands first single, I'm happy to get anymore votes!


	28. Right the Wrongs

**Please forgive my delay in posting I have been**** visiting my family for a week. Hope you all had a wonderful Easter.**

**Thank you all so much for the awesome reviews, you guys are amazing!**

**bitten2 – Thanks a lot!**

**LoveAsh87, buff802y, DarceLynn – Yep Tom got his. Thanks for the review!**

**bether85 – Thanks. Breakeven is an awesome song. I love music and lyrics so I like including them in the story, I think they sometimes help with the storytelling.**

**WillowOn3 – Aw thanks Darlin! Truly your reviews always mean so much, they make me smile. Oh I hope you're better from your flu, poor thing. I'm the awesome one?! How about we be awesome together?**

**uluvme – Standing ovation? How awesome! I felt like I had to have Tom taunt Julian a bit, Julian is not the sort of guy to just lay into someone. Plus it was a challenge for me to write and I love a challenge. As for the bat…well I didn't want Tom to die, I have plans for him…**

**mutt009 – Wow awesome long review! Yep Tom has been owed an ass kicking for a damn long time! Aw kissed your pillow huh…not quite the ground but I'll take it! I understand completely, I have had a few moments where I have lost control in anger and it's scary that you can get to that point, hasn't happened in a long time though. It's awful to have to go through. **

**drummergirl244 – cool, yeah singing is not my strong suit…unless I want to torture people lol. Thanks.**

**shayer – I did consider Ashley being the one to beat Tom, but she already gave him a few good hits so I thought I'd let Julian do it. Thanks so much, that means a lot. Uh consequences…we'll see**

**somthgIlike2do – Tom did get what he deserved, not that I condone violence at all. Hmm I like your theory…we'll see if you're right. As for who called the cops before Ashley did…I honestly have no idea…um let's say it was the liquor shop owner or someone passing by.**

**Dark Vizard447 – Hmm you want to know how Paula feels huh… stay tuned.**

**MrsMusgraveTNG – why thank you, I always liked that quote, I thought it was a perfect reflection of who Ashley is. She may not always do the right thing, but more often than not her reasons are right (besides the whole Aiden thing…that was gross). I love Jules too and man if he was real he'd totally be my bff!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight ****– Right the Wrongs**

Tom's POV

I was kept in hospital overnight for observation after that loser Julian had attacked me, they wanted to keep me longer but I refused and forced them to let me leave. I felt furious at myself that I had let him get one up on me. I was twice the man he was and yet I let him take out his little revenge scenario on me. Fucking moron that he was, he couldn't see Spencer Carlin for what she really was.

She was a whore, a deviant and she deserved everything that happened to her. I would never, and I mean _never_ forgive her for humiliating me and ruining my life with her perversion. It was bad enough that she had to be a fucking deviant, but to sour my existence with her sin was unforgivable. I couldn't understand how the rest of the world couldn't see what she was really like. It was like they were all wearing blinders or something and couldn't see the true depravity of her dalliances into women. It made me sick.

The cops at the hospital had tried to get me to name the person who attacked me, but there was no way in hell I was going to do that. I told them I was jumped from behind and never saw his face. I wasn't keeping quiet to protect Julian, I didn't give a flying fuck about Julian, he was less than nothing to me. I kept quiet because I didn't want the world to know that someone so beneath me had gotten one over me. Maybe it was a pride thing, but there was no fucking way I could live with the shame of people knowing that little punk Julian had actually beaten me when I was a hundred times the man he was.

He'd done a decent job on me, gotta give the little prick that much. I had a broken nose, two black eyes, three missing teeth, a concussion, two cracked ribs and more cuts and bruises then I could ever count. I also had eight stiches in my forehead and four more on the back of my head. I guess I must have hit a nerve or two during our friendly discussion.

After being released from the hospital I'd hit the nearest liquor store, cleaned out the last of my bank account buying alcohol and headed home, which is where I had been for the last twenty-four hours, getting as drunk as I possibly could. Of course I had run out of booze like three hours ago and now I was trying to get steady enough on my feet to head out to get more by maxing out my remaining credit cards.

Everything had kind of fallen apart for me. I had lost the woman I truly loved forever, which destroyed me and then I had forced myself to crawl back to my father who would never see me as anything but a failure. I had worked so hard, done everything I could, to make him see me as a man to be proud of and that was all for nothing. He hated me, he didn't want me as his son. To make matters worse he had cut me off and refused to help get me out of this stupid shit with Spencer.

Spencer, even thinking her name made my blood boil. She had ruined my life. She had destroyed everything! Before her perversion I had a family who respected me, a girlfriend who looked good on my arm and was a principle violinist in a respected orchestra (what a trophy piece she made at work functions) and a promising career. Now I had nothing and no one and it was all Spencer fucking Carlin's fault.

If she hadn't fallen back into a life of depravity with that Ashley person then my life wouldn't be so fucked up. Both of them would burn in hell for what they were doing with each other, I just hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

I was sitting, fuming at the direction my life had taken because of that dumb blonde slut I had been seeing when I heard an angry knocking at my door. I assumed it was another brainwashed friend of Spencer's who didn't see the sin behind her perverted lifestyle. I figured it was someone coming to give me another beating and you know what I just wasn't up for that, my fucking body was screaming in pain now that I was starting to sober up a bit.

I ignored the persistent knocking and yelling voices I couldn't quite make out and just stared off into space, willing them to go away. I hated the world and I just wanted to be left alone to drink and forget that everything is so fucked up. I drowned out the voiced and the banging and closed my eyes. I was starting to drift off to sleep when a loud crash woke me with a start and a barrage of people in police uniforms swarmed into my house.

Detective Lewis' POV

We'd done it, we had built a solid, almost air tight case against Tom Brooks and now I had a warrant for his arrest sitting safely in my jacket pocket. Today was a good day, Tom was about to start paying for what he had done, finally.

I climbed out of my car and looked over at my partner and the uniformed cops we had there to back us up. "Let's do this!" I said with determination as I started up the path to Tom Brooks' front door. His yard, which looked like it had once been professionally landscaped, was littered with empty alcohol bottles, trash and piles of what looked like old vomit. It was pretty revolting and just made my disgust for the man we were there to arrest all the stronger.

I reached his front step and knocked hard on the door with my fist. We waited for a reply or any movement inside before I started knocking again and this time calling out, "Mr Brooks? This is the police, would you open the door please?!"

Still no response so we knocked again, harder and louder. One of the uniformed cops looked in through the living room window and announced that he could see Tom sitting on a chair in the living room staring off into space.

That's when I lost my patience, after everything I was still shocked by the audacity of the man to just sit in his chair and ignore us. I pulled out my gun and slammed it into the wood while yelling, "Tom, this is the police, open this fucking door right now! You are under arrest! This is your last warning, open the door right the fuck now or we'll break it down!" I banged on the door one more time, yelled a little more and then gestured the uniforms with the ram to come forward. They slammed the ram into the door and it crashed open, slamming into the wall with a loud bang.

We strode into the house, almost being knocked out by the disgusting stench that filtered out of the place. It smelt like stale booze, vomit, cigarettes, garbage and something that smelled suspiciously like a dead rat mixed with the aroma of body odour and feet. The stench was so bad my eyes started to water and tough as nails cops started to gag.

I forced myself forward, breathing determinedly through my mouth, and stepped into the living room to see Tom sitting wide eyes on a stained chair that I'm sure was once worth a shit load of money. I glared hatefully at Tom Brooks, it was time for this piece of shit to get what was coming to him. He was going to rot for what he had done.

"Tom Brooks, you are under arrest for the attempted rape of a Miss Spencer Carlin," I announced with a profound sense of justice. I grabbed his arm and forced him to his feet as I dragged his arms behind his back and cuffed him. Tom stood staring off into space, not reacting in anyway or showing any emotions. I gripped his arm hard and continued to read him his rights, "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you by the courts. Got anything to say for yourself?" I snarled. It was starting to bug me that he wasn't reacting at all.

Tom turned his head and looked right at me, his face twisting into a smirk that I just wanted to slap off, although by the look of him someone had beaten me to it. The bastards face was black and blue, it was much less that he deserved though.

Tom kept smirking so I jerked him hard and dragged him out of the house to my waiting car. I had to practically carry him, all the alcohol in his system making him unsteady on his feet. I threw him unceremoniously into the backseat, praying he wouldn't throw up in there, and slammed the door shut with enough force to rattle the windows. I shared a smile of triumph with my colleagues before climbing into the driver's seat and heading off to the police station.

Spencer's POV

I finally had a quiet afternoon at home, I'd gotten home from work and for once didn't have band practice (Julian had cancelled it unexpectedly) or any other commitment so I was looking forward to an afternoon spent in my music room working on a few new songs that had been sitting in my head for about a week now.

I was working on one about the first date I'd had with Ashley. Despite what had happened the morning after that night still went down as one of my best nights ever. She had made me feel so loved, so safe and I wanted this song to capture that. It was pretty much done, all I needed to do now was fine tune it. I was a perfectionist when it came to my music, and with this song in particular I wanted so badly to get it just right.

I was seated at my piano playing the melody and softly singing the lyrics when my phone rang. I scrambled off the piano stool and jogged to the phone in my kitchen. I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

"_Hello, is this Spencer?_" A familiar voice asked with a hint of excitement.

"Yeah this is Spencer, is that you Detective Lewis?" I asked softly, already thinking of all the worst case scenarios he could be calling to tell me about.

"_Yes it is. Spencer I have some good news, actually no I have fantastic news. As of forty-five minutes ago we have arrested Tom Brooks. He is now in custody and is due in court tomorrow for his bail hearing, which between you and me I think will result in him remaining locked up,_" Detective Lewis said in his deep, soothing voice.

I felt tears of relief fill my eyes and I cleared my throat before responding, "Oh wow, thank you so much. I can't tell you how relieved I am to know he is off the streets. I have been half expecting him to turn up on my door step or something." I had to stop speaking as my tears started to fall. This was the best news. I could actually start to feel safe again.

"_You're welcome Spencer, I wanted to get the guy so badly. He deserves to pay for what he has done to you. I'm glad we are able to help you feel safer now. I just need to let you know that the district attorney will be contacting you at some point to discuss the case. We've built a solid case and are doing everything by the book. This guy is going to prison for a damn long time,_" Detective Lewis said with pride in his voice.

"Thanks Detective. I can't tell you how much this all means to me," I murmured.

"_The pleasure is all mine Spencer. Well I'll let you go but will call you with any updates. Take care of yourself."_

"Thank you, I will. Talk to you soon." I waited until the detective said goodbye and then hung up the phone. I stood there for a moment, just letting it all sink in. I felt a smile break out on my face and knew there was one very special person I wanted, no _needed_, to share this moment with.

I picked up the phone and dialled a number I had memorised. I smiled to myself as I waited for them to answer, "_Hello?_" Came her raspy voice down the line.

"Hey Ash its Spencer, I have big news," I said excitedly.

"_Oh yeah? Care to share Blue_?" Ashley asked with a smirk evident in her voice.

"Well I just had a call from Detective Lewis, they arrested Tom this afternoon! He's in custody," I exclaimed, a huge smile making its way across my face.

"_Oh my God Blue, that's fucking amazing! Oh wow, I am so relieved! This is truly fantastic. We should celebrate!_" Ashley gushed. I giggled at over-exuberance and couldn't help but smile.

"We might be getting just a bit ahead of ourselves here Ash, how about we save the celebration for when he gets convicted and locked up?" I asked. I was terrified to get my hopes up too high in case he got let off.

"_Spence, this is a good thing. Look they wouldn't have arrested the son of a bitch unless they had a solid case against him. Tom Brooks is going to rot in prison for what he did to you, and so in honour of him getting his worthless ass arrested I say we celebrate, and I won't take no for an answer_," Ashley said teasingly.

I heard a knock on my door and got up to answer it, laughing down the line, "Well in that case I guess I don't really have a choice then do I? Hey hang on a second someone's at the door."

"_Check the peep hole!_" Ashley called down the line, making me roll my eyes.

I glanced through the peep hole and almost had a heart attack when I saw who was on the other side. I raised the phone to my mouth again and stammered, "Fuck…Ash, shit oh shit, it's Paula. Fucking Paula's at my door! What the hell do I do?"

I heard Ashley gasp and rolled my eyes, clearly she wasn't going to be a big help here. "_Ok Spence, here's what you do, go hide and I'll call Julian to come round and take her out!_" Ashley ordered down the line.

Paula knocked again and I reacted on instinct and opened the door. I could hear Ashley telling me off for being, in her words, 'kind of a stereotypical dumb blonde'. I looked at the woman who gave me life and then raised me and saw only a tired, haggard woman who looked like the weight of the world was not only on her shoulders, but that it was crushing her.

Paula locked her sad blue eyes on mine and said sadly, "Spencer I'm, I am so very sorry for everything."

I just stared at her and raised the phone to my ear again, "Ashley I'm going to have to call you back, I have to deal with Satan's minion." I heard Ashley giggle and then order me to call her as soon as Satan's bride left or should anything go down and then I hung up.

I glared at the woman at my door and snarled, "What the hell are you doing here _Paula_?" I spat her name at her, making sure she caught onto the fact that she was no mother to me.

Paula had the decency to look ashamed as her eyes searched my face, I'm sure for a sign that I didn't want to start throwing punches. "I, uh I came to talk to you. I have done so much that I am not proud of, I have done so many things wrong and I know I don't deserve forgiveness or redemption but I have to tell you how very sorry I am for all I have done," Paula stammered, her voice shaky with emotion.

I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to hold my glare on my face. This woman had caused me so much damn pain, but she was still my mother. The last time I had seen her was the day at Tom's house when she had blown me a kiss as Ashley drove me away. As much as I wanted to hate for all she's done, that had broken my heart. She had just looked so lost and devastated standing alone on Tom's lawn.

Paula took a step closer to me and I immediately stepped back, "Don't come any closer," I muttered, almost feeling guilty when her face fell. I was so confused. I was not equipped to deal with this.

Paula took a step back, "Ok Spencer I won't. I understand your wariness and anger. I deserve it. I was narrow minded and judgemental and it has taken a lot for me to be able to admit that. I went to church after that day at Tom's house. I went to our church and spoke to Father Maslen every day since. He has counselled me since then and helped me to see that despite what I was brought up to believe homosexuality isn't necessarily a sin. He told me that everything in the world of religion should come back to one fundamental truth, and that is that God is love. God made you and he loves you, no matter what. I know now that it is not my job to judge or condemn you, God alone has the right do that. My only job as your mother is to love you unconditionally. Now I may not understand it and it is most certainly not the life I would have chosen for you, but I respect that it is your life to live how you want."

I stared at her in disbelief. This had to be some kind of cruel joke, no way had my mother done a complete one eighty in the short amount of time since I'd last seen her. There was no way. Not after the way she had reacted to my sexuality and the way she had treated me and manipulated me in the aftermath of what Carmen had done.

It seemed too easy that she had miraculously changed her mind. I scoffed and glared harder at her, "You seriously expect me to just believe you've completely changed your views on my sexuality in such a short time. Are you forgetting the fact that after I came out you hit me and then kicked me out of the house? Are you forgetting the fact that you used the worst and most traumatic experience that has happened in my life as a means to manipulate me into living the type of life you deemed acceptable? Jesus Paula! You have got to be kidding if you think that all that is forgotten just because you apologised. It's too damn little, too damn late!" I practically screamed at her as my emotions took control of me.

Paula started wringing her hands in front of her, her anxiety was palpable. "I know Spencer, I know that I can't expect you to forgive me after everything I did. The things I put you through really do not even fall in the ball park of forgivable. I deserve nothing but anger and hatred from you."

I sighed tiredly and ran my hand through my long blonde hair which was so much like hers before she started adding highlights to cover the greys, "Despite everything I don't hate you Paula, I should but I just can't. No matter what you do to me you are my mother, as much as I have sometimes wished that wasn't true. I can't hate you Paula, I don't. If I did then I wouldn't care so much and everything you have done wouldn't hurt me as much as it does." I blinked back tears and leaned heavily against the door frame.

Paula closed her eyes and when she opened them her blues eyes were shiny with tears. "Spencer I would give everything I have to take this all back, what I did to you, what Carmen did to you and what Tom did to you, both by releasing the video and when he attacked you. I heard what Tom did and I hated myself. I knew that it was my fault, what he did to you was my fault!" With that Paula burst out into anguished sobs.

I looked at her confused, her fault? I had never once blamed my mother for what Tom had done to me. I took a hesitant step towards her and murmured softly, "What Tom did to me has had a major impact on my life and the people in it, but I have never, not even once, blamed you for it. Tom is the only person to blame. He is the one that tried to...rape me. There are a lot of things in my life I do blame you for, but Tom trying to rape me is not one of them." I still found myself faltering at the word rape, it was far too real when I said it out loud.

Paula's eyes snapped up and locked on mine with confusion written in them, "How can you not blame me Spencer? I manipulated you when you were hurting and too vulnerable to refuse me and then I forced you to date a man who you didn't want to be with. If I hadn't forced you to date Tom Brooks then none of this would have ever happened. If I had just accepted who you are and let you live the life you wanted then none of this would have ever happened. I handed you to your rapist on a platter and for that I am sorrier than you will ever know." Paula started sobbing loudly then, leaning back against the hallway wall for support.

I took another hesitant step towards her and choked back my own tears. I couldn't believe it, she actually seemed genuine. I never thought I'd live to see the day when my mother actually accepted my sexuality and felt remorse for all the pain she had caused, not only to me but to my family, Ashley and my friends as well.

"Paula, it's not your fault. You weren't to know that Tom would do that to me. You couldn't have predicted that. What you should be sorry for is making me feel guilty and ashamed of who I am following a horrific event that changed my life. Instead of using that moment to manipulate and force me to conform to your idea of what I should be, you should have supported and loved me unconditionally. What you taught me is that sometimes a parent's love _is _conditional and I learnt that the moment I didn't live up to your expectations for me." I said, finding strength in finally getting to say what I had waited years to say to my mother.

I took a deep breath and continued, pain seeping into my voice, "Paula it should have taken Tom releasing that video or him attacking me for you to see how badly you screwed up. It shouldn't have taken me being damaged almost to the point of no return for you to finally start accepting who I am. You are my mother and you are supposed to love me no matter what. It kills me that you couldn't find that love in your heart until something tragic happened."

Paula sniffled and pulled a tissue out of her pocket to mop up her tears. She nodded and a watery, sad smile found its way onto her face, "You are completely right Spencer, I failed you in the worst kind of way. I was stupid and wrong and I wish I had listened to my heart instead of my head. I want you to know that while I let you down and treated you appallingly, I really do love you and while I know I went about it the wrong way, everything I did was to protect you."

I nodded and crossed my arms over my chest again, "I know that. If I didn't believe that then you and I would not be having this conversation right now."

Paula looked thoughtfully at me, "Do you think we will ever be able to get past this Spencer? Do you see a time in the future where you will ever be able to forgive me?"

I looked at her carefully, reading the sincerity behind her words. I wanted to badly to believe her, but after everything how could I leave myself vulnerable to her again? I knew after everything my heart just couldn't take much more punishment from her. It just hurt far too much.

I think Paula sensed my hesitation because she smiled sadly and held up her hand, "its ok Spencer, I know I don't deserve anything from you so we can leave it here. Please know that I love you and am truly sorry. I will always be here for you and if there is anything I can ever do please let me know. Good bye Sweetheart."

Before I could say anything she was gone, heading down the stairs. I felt torn. Part of me wanted desperately to follow her and make everything right between us, the other, more realistic, part of me knew that it was going to take more than speeches and apologies for me and my mother to ever be ok again.

I sighed sadly and headed back inside. This had been one hell of an afternoon.

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**Sooo, what did you guys think??**


	29. Realisation

**Thanks for the reviews you wonderful, wonderful people!**

**LoveAsh87 & MrsMusgraveTNG – Thank you, it was time Tom got his and for Mama Carlin to pop back in**

**drummergirl244 – glad I could throw you off, I'd hate to become predictable lol**

**somthgIlike2do – Thanks, yep Paula was due another guest starring role in this saga. I agree it's sad when people are so closed minded and then pass that onto their kids. I am in no way religious, but I agree that hate was not one of God's teachings**

**Spaiden14 – Thanks! Hmm Spashley time huh? I'll see what I can do**

**uluvme – I know that, I just figured the bat would do more harm than fists and I didn't want to let him off the hook lol. Tom would make an excellent prison bitch! I'm torn about Paula, we'll see how it plays out**

**mutt009 – True, but his pov gave some insight into how far he has fallen. I'm sorry about your Mom, its a kinda crazy conincidence about the name. I'm not too sure what will happen with Paula in this fic yet**

**Palexobsessed – Yeah go det. Lewis! Happy gay worms huh? That made me laugh. I feel the same about Paula. I loved her at the end of South and I love Maeve **

**WillowOn3 – Yeah we're awesome. I can kind of understand your tears for Paula, she made so many mistakes but she is still a mother who loves her child. Personally, I'm not too sure how I feel about Paula and I'm the one writing it. Hehe, we'll see what happens with Tom, but those are my chocolates!**

**shayer – I'm a social worker by trade (not currently practicing) and on many occasions I had to work with people who it was really challenging to work with. As a lesbian I can imagine how awful it would be to work with homophobic parents of LGBT people. I'm sorry about your sister, that's tough. Thank you for your review.**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is only mine in my dreams...sweet, beautiful dreams**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine - ****Realisation**

Spencer's POV

After Paula left I wandered numbly around my apartment, kind of just doing meaningless tasks while I tried to get a handle on what was going on in my head. I wish I could get all of this straight in my mind, but instead I was royally freaking out. I wished that someone would just tell me how the hell I was supposed to react to my mother turning up on my door step after everything and just apologising. I had no clue how to even begin dealing with this, in all honesty I was resisting the urge to curl up in the foetal position and cry like a baby.

I think I spent an hour just idly moving around my place, not really doing much of anything before I found myself seated at my piano with my fingers dancing over the keys. In times of doubt, happiness, pain, anger, sadness, love and pretty much any other possible emotion, music was my escape. My first and truest love is music, which is one of the reasons I am so in love with Ashley, she gets that side of me and feels the same.

I was just starting to run through the song I had been working on before Detective Lewis had called me when I heard an anxious and loud knocking on my front door. I climbed to my feet and walked out with trepidation, scared Paula was back for round two which I really wasn't up for after the emotional ringer the day had already turned out to be.

As I neared the door an anxious voice called out, "Spencer? Are you in there? Has your mother drowned you in holy water?"

I laughed and swung the door open to find a rather scared and dishevelled looking Ashley on the other side. "Nope no holy water or scripture was present in her little visit, and I'm in one piece, I think," I answered, stepping aside to let her in.

Ashley walked over the threshold and swatted me on the arm playfully, "Well then did you think you could have called me? I have been really worried about you Blue!" Ashley pouted adorably, making me chuckle and shake my head.

"Sorry Brown I was too busy having my little freak out," I smiled sadly as I ambled over to throw myself dramatically down on the sofa. Ashley smiled sympathetically back at me and moved to sit beside me on the sofa. I sighed and lay down so that my head was resting on her lap. Ashley started to gently run her fingers through my baby soft blonde hair while smiling affectionately down at me.

"So do you want to tell me what happened with Paula?" Ashley asked softly, almost hesitantly like she was afraid to push me too far. I turned my head and looked up at her and bit my lip.

"Well she wanted to apologise. She said that she had been in counselling with her priest and he helped her to see that despite what the Bible says on homosexuality she shouldn't judge me. She rattled off about how God is love and it isn't her place to judge me. She told me that she loved me and was sorry for all she had done. She…she uh she told me she feels responsible for what Tom did to me, she said she feels like she handed me to my rapist. I really don't know what to do with any of this Ashley. What the hell do I do?" I choked out as tears started to roll down my face.

Ashley stroked my hair softly and I buried my face against her stomach, letting my tears soak into her dark blue tank top. She moved one hand to my back and rubbed it in soothing circles as she just let me cry.

Ashley was always amazing like that. She knew when to push and when not to. It was like she could read me and understand me better than anyone else had ever been able to, even better than I could understand myself. I was beyond lucky to have her in my corner.

Ashley stayed quiet, just letting me know with soft touches and soothing caresses that she was there with me. She didn't demand that I tell her what had happened, she didn't try to force the truth from me, even though I knew she was dying to know. She just let me get to it in my own time.

Once my tears had lessened I rolled over so I was lying on my back with my head still resting in her lap. Ashley smiled kindly down at me and tenderly wiped the last few tears from my cheeks with her thumb, her touch gentle and comforting.

I looked brokenly up at her as she gently cupped my cheek in her palm. "Spencer the only person who can know what to do here is you. Your mother has not treated you very fairly, my god that is such an understatement. Your mother had treated you appallingly, and to most people her actions would be totally unforgivable. But whether or not you forgive her is totally your call and I'd say it's not a decision you would want to make lightly. There is no rush here Blue, take some time, think about what she said and how you feel. If she really means what she said to you then she will be waiting if and when you are ready to let her into your life again," Ashley murmured, while gazing down into my eyes.

I nodded and reached up to cup her cheek in my hand, "Thank you, you always say exactly what I need to hear. I don't know what I'd do without you Ashley Davies."

Ashley blushed and smiled down at me, her eyes flicking back and forth between my eyes and my lips. I unconsciously licked them, unsure of when they had gone suddenly dry, and moved my hand off her cheek and down to her chin. I moved my thumb to her lips and gently traced the full contours. Her eyes closed and she moved to place the softest of kisses on the pad of my thumb as it caressed her smooth and oh so kissable lips.

This was the closest we had come to intimate contact since the night before Tom had attacked me. At first after the attack I was scared, terrified to let her close because then she would see how dark and damaged I was inside, plus the thought of anyone touching me sent bolts of fear through my body and now that I was healing I was still holding back somewhat. I wasn't scared anymore, I knew what I wanted and it was Ashley.

It had been almost a month since the attack and all in all I was healing well. I had good days and I had bad days. I'll admit the majority of my good days involved Ashley in some way. I wanted us to be together but until I was sure I could give her all of me without holding anything back I wasn't going to go there. Ashley deserved to have me completely, not in half measures.

I continued to caress her lips with my thumb, remembering that night a month ago when I had my lips pressed against hers under the stars, on that night everything was possible. Just thinking about it made me smile widely and moved to sit beside her, keeping my thumb on her mouth.

Ashley opened her eyes as she felt me move my head from her lap and raised her soulful chocolate brown eyes to meet my ocean blue ones. I sighed, torn between closing the small distance between us and kissing her and pulling away and ignoring the voices screaming in my head to get my lips on hers as fast as possible.

Ashley smiled in her beautiful understanding way and reached up to take the hand I still had gently resting against her face. She brought my hand to her lips and kissed it adoringly before holding it in her lap and caressing my skin with her slightly calloused fingers.

I lowered my head, a huge part of me wishing I had just kissed her. Ashley reached up with her free hand and tilted my chin so she could look into my eyes, "Its ok Spencer."

"What's ok?" I murmured distractedly.

"I am a patient woman and I'll wait until you are ready for us. You and I have come a long way in the last month, but there is no need to rush it. I love you and I will be here for you whenever you are ready for this to go further. There is no pressure or expectations here Spence," Ashley said with a kind smile that crinkled her nose in the way I found so beautiful.

"God you are incredible, almost too good to be true. Seriously Brown are you even real or are you just a figment of all my dreams come true?" I asked with wonder evident in my voice.

Ashley laughed, a glorious musical sound that spilled over me like warm honey and made me flash her a wide, toothy smile. "I promise you Spence, I am 100 per cent real and as flawed as the next person. I just think you and I are perfect for each other so our flaws don't matter because they just help make up the perfection that is this bond between us," She replied with a grin.

I had no words to respond to that, but I had something else. I stood up from the sofa and smiled at her, "Wait here." Ashley nodded and I jogged out of the room, returning soon with my black acoustic guitar.

Ashley sat up straighter and smiled in anticipation. I flashed a smile before an expression of nervousness settled over my features. "I have been working on this song for a while and it's not quite finished but I want to play it for you. I seem to spend a damn lot of time expressing myself to you through song, but I think the melodies and lyrics express more than my words alone ever can. I hope you like it," I said as I perched on the edge of the coffee table and began strumming my guitar.

Ashley moved to the edge of the sofa and bit her lip as she waited for me to start singing. I smiled and gave myself over to the music.

"Watching the stars at night

There's nothing that I'd rather do  
The moon is the only light

That I can use to look at you

So let's make this memory last

Of this night that we've come to claim ours  
I promise I'll never forget

Such a perfect night under the stars"

I beamed at her as I strummed the guitar and prepared to sing the next verse. Her eyes were glued to mine with a sweet smile on her face and the first hint of tears on her cheeks.

"The air is warm with comfort

The air is warm with taste  
There's nothing we have to look out for

So let's make the most of this place

So let's make this memory last

Of this night that we've come to claim ours  
I promise I'll never forget

Such a perfect night under the stars

I promise you

I promise you

I promise you

I promise you"

Ashley was letting her tears flow freely now, I hoped they weren't tears because she thought the song was crappy. I took a deep breath before beginning the chorus. This song was not one to be blasted out, it was soft and tender and I hoped it conveyed all I felt and was not eloquent enough to say.

"So let's make this memory last

Of this night that we've come to claim ours  
I promise I'll never forget

Such a perfect night under the stars

So let's make this memory last

Of this night that we've come to claim ours  
I promise I'll never forget

Such a perfect night under the stars

I promise you

I promise you

I promise you

I promise you

I promise you"

I kept my eyes on her as I strummed the last few cords with a smile fixed on my face. Once I'd finished playing I set the guitar aside and moved forward to take her hands in both of mine.

"I have been working on that song since our first, and well only, official date. It has been almost impossible to find the words to express what that night with you meant to me. I actually don't think the words in that song are adequate, but I hope they give you some insight to what that night and you mean to me," I finished my little spiel and smiled nervously.

Ashley blinked away her tears and a beaming smile broke out on her face. "Yeah I think I get it Spence," Ashley said with a teasing, but watery smile, which I gladly returned minus the teary part, "and I hope you know that night meant just as much to me. I am starting to get a little spoilt by all the songs. I think we inspire each other Blue, well I know you inspire me."

"You inspire me too Brown. You make me feel things when I'm with you that I have seriously never felt before and it's amazing to me," I reply earnestly.

"I bet it's also a bit scary, given everything you've been through," Ashley said insightfully.

I chuckled and nodded, "Yeah it is, but it's the kind of scary that is like a high. I guess to me this fear I feel is just telling me that this is worthwhile, this fear makes me feel so completely alive."

Ashley smiled and looked up at me from under her long, thick eye lashed. We looked at each other in silence for a while and then I stood up, pulling her to her feet. "So if I remember correctly you and me have some celebrating to do tonight."

"Ah yes you would be right there. So how about we have dinner and maybe a drink or something? We haven't been to Pella in a while without having a gig, they start serving dinner soon yeah?" Ashley asked with a sweet smile.

I glanced over at my clock and nodded, "Yeah they do. Give me fifteen minute to get changed and we'll head down stairs. I'll text Glen and tell him to save a table for us."

"Great, and um, do you think you might have some clothes I could borrow? My sweats and tank top aren't exactly what I'd usually wear out to dinner," Ashley asked with an adorable eye roll.

I laughed, "Sure Brown, come on and let's see what we can find." I led her down the hall to my bedroom, texting Glen along the way, and fifteen minutes later we were both dressed for a night out. I have to admit I liked seeing her in my clothes, it was kinda hot.

Ashley had settled on a pair of my black shorts with an olive green v-neck shirt and a pair of my black pumps. She looked incredible and I could hardly stop myself from staring which, judging by the smirk on her face, she was well aware off.

I on the other hand had thrown on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt and a brown waistcoat with a brown leather cuff on my left wrist. I had left my hair out so that it flowed over my back. I completed my outfit with my white Converses and some simple makeup. I kept catching Ashley sneaking glances at me out of the corner of her eye, it was kinda nice.

We grabbed our bags and headed downstairs to Pella. As soon as we walked in Glen came bolting up to us and greeted both of us with warm hugs. "Hey baby sister, hey Ash. It's good to see you both. Spence, Dad called and he said Tom got arrested, that is brilliant news!" Glen pulled me back into his arms and spun me around so my feet left the floor. I giggled and ordered him to put me down.

"Yeah it's great, hence why we are here celebrating. I also had a surprise visit earlier," Glen raised his eye brow to encourage me to continue, "Yeah Paula turned up at my door this afternoon."

"Shit, are you ok?" Glen asked with a look of concern. I really loved my big brother.

"Yeah I am, it was just hard to see her. She said she was sorry Glen, that she regretted all of it and wanted to take it all back. I guess I'm just confused about what to do now," I answered with a sad smile.

"I'll bet. Whatever you decide to do Spence, I got your back and I know this little lady here does too," Glen said as he slung an arm around Ashley's shoulder. I beamed at them both and nodded.

"Yeah I know, now how about you hook us up with a kick ass dinner so we can celebrate Tom getting arrested?!" I teasingly suggested.

"Yeah I think I can manage that, right this way ladies, I reserved you one of our best tables." We followed Glen as he led us through the crowd to a table set up near the stage. Once the dinner rush was over the tables would be moved to the side and the dance floor would open up, but until then it was a prime eating location.

We said our thanks and Glen headed off to check on the kitchen leaving us to peruse the menus and smile shyly over at each other. I know it wasn't officially a date, but in my mind it felt like one. We were shy around each other, which we hadn't been ever really. From the second we met we connected and felt at ease with each other and now here were, two friends having dinner, and we were being as shy as two junior high kids on their first date.

Soon a waiter came and took our orders, once they had brought over our drinks I bit my lip and glanced at her at the same time she happened to glance at me. We both blushed and giggled. I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat, "So, are you excited to hear the final recording of the demo?" I asked to ease the tension. In a few days we were meeting Derek and Sam and Neil to hear the demo in its entirety.

"Yeah I am, it's all so exciting. I mean I have wanted this for so long and now it's all starting to happen. It's truly amazing," Ashley answered softly, her expression one of joy and contentment.

"Yeah I know the feeling. I became stagnant with my music, suffocated and trapped in that orchestra. The only times I felt free were when I was writing music at home in my music room, well that is until Julian convinced me to join the band," I said with a slight chuckle.

Ashley grinned, "Yeah well that's when everything became possible for me too Spence. Before you joined our band we were just getting by, not really getting anywhere. Once I heard you play that violin solo at the orchestra and then saw what you could do at Julian's the next day I knew that Julian had been right. You were exactly what the band had been missing, you were also what my life had been missing."

I blushed and looked away shyly. "I don't mean to embarrass you Spence, but I want you to know that the day you came into my life things changed for me. It was like I never knew there was something I was missing until I met you. I guess this is a round about way of me saying that I am glad I met you Spencer Carlin," Ashley murmured as she reached over the table to give my hand s gentle squeeze.

"Well I'm glad I met you too Ashley Davies. I never would have gotten through all of this without you," I replied with a grin.

We held each other's gaze, each of us smiling softly and almost tenderly at the other until the waiter brought out our dinner. We each reluctantly let go of each other's hands so that we could start eating. I picked up a forkful of my delicious smelling mushroom risotto and lifted it to my lips. I watched her eyes as they locked on my lips while I took a mouthful of the food. I felt a smirk break out on my lips as she blushed and looked down to her own food.

The rest of the meal passed like that, with shy glances and not so subtle gazes and flirting. We fed each other tastes of our meals and joked and laughed about anything and everything. For the first time since the attack we were just two people who were deeply attracted to each other, there was no baggage holding us back.

We had finished our meals and had moved to the bar to have a drink when a short woman with spiky blonde hair stepped into the DJ booth and began her set spinning records.

Ashley grinned when the first song to come out of the speakers was Lady Gaga's Rock Show. I knew she had a secret love of Lady Gaga, she didn't like people knowing because it didn't quite fit with the whole rocker chick thing she had going on.

I giggled and grabbed her hand to lead her out to the dance floor. Ashley followed me willingly, swinging her hips as she walked behind me. We hit the middle of the dance floor and began dancing to the music, still holding hands but with a bit of space between us.

We laughed and got really into it. One thing I had learnt early on about Ashley was that she was an incredible dancer and that she totally loved it. The music seemed to invade her and she moved to it effortlessly. I just gave into the moment and followed her movement. As the night continued and the dance floor got more and more packed, we were forced to move closer and closer together.

Ashley looked at me questioningly, as if checking how I was coping with the closeness of not only her, but of a mass of strangers. I just grinned and looped my arms around her neck to pull her even closer to me.

Ashley's smile was blinding after that as her hands found their rightful place on the small of my back. We swayed to the music, our bodies moving in perfect time instinctively. We really did fit together perfectly. I could remember dancing with Tom and it being kind of awkward and strained. There was none of that with Ashley, it was just natural and easy.

We danced closely, intimately and if I'm honest the feeling of her body against mine, her arms around me felt so damn right I was questioning all the reasons I had in my head for why I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship with her. A relationship I knew I wanted, that I knew would make me happier than I had ever been.

It's funny, I had been talking in circles with my counselor about my feelings for Ashley after everything that had happened and had found no resolution. Instead it took a night spending time with her, holding her in my arms for me to see the truth. I could not be completely happy without her.

I pulled back and looked deeply into her eyes, finding the love and understanding that I knew I would always find there. Ashley tilted her head and smiled at me sweetly. I took her hand in mine and led her out of the club. Once we were outside I spun around to face her and tilted my head as I gazed at her, once again blown away by how truly beautiful she was.

Ashley looked at me in confusion and asked softly, "What's going on Spence?"

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair as I bit my lip as nerves started to take me over. "I, uh…I wanted to say something to you and a crowded club seemed like probably not the best place to do it," I mumbled.

"Ok, you can say anything to me Blue, you know that. So tell me, what's going on gorgeous?" Ashley asked with a tender smile on her face.

"Tonight was great. While I was with you in there I forgot the world, forgot all the shit and drama that has been making me keep you at arms length. I guess what I am trying to say Ashley, is that while I was holding you in my arms on the dance floor tonight I couldn't for the life of me remember why I was holding back, why I wasn't letting us be together," I murmured, my eyes locked on hers which were starting to fill with tears.

"Ok you need to be really clear with me here Blue, what exactly are you saying to me?" Ashley asked with a serious look on her face, but a hopeful twinkle in her beautiful mocha eyes.

"I need you to do something for me Brown," I said, biting my lip again.

"Anything Blue, you know that," Ashley said with a warm smile.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and took a deep breath, "Ok, Ashley would you, um…will you please ask me out?"

Ashley looked at me searchingly, seeking my eyes for any sign that I was not completely serious. Finding nothing but my open vulnerability and love Ashley smiled widely and asked, "Really?"

I smirked and tilted my head to the side, "Yes really."

Ashley smiled at me like a kid on Christmas and reached out to take my hand in hers, stroking my knuckles with her thumb, "Ok. Spencer Carlin, will you please go out with me tomorrow night?"

I tilted my head and fixed a thoughtful look on my face as though I was pondering the offer, "hmm I dunno." I said teasingly.

Ashley looked at me in disbelief and said loudly, "Hey!"

I started to laugh unable to hold a straight face any longer, "Sorry Brown, I couldn't resist. Yeah Ash I'd love to go out with you tomorrow night."

Ashley beamed at me and bit her lip and she gazed at me from under her eye lashes. I grinned and reached over to cup her cheek in my hand. I stepped closer to her and leaned in slowly. I let my eyes travel between her eyes and her mouth, grinning when I saw her tongue dart out to moisten her lips.

I paused a millimeter from her lips and whispered, "I love you Ashley," before I pressed my lips against hers. The kiss was sweet, hot, tender and loving. It was gentle and made me wonder how the hell I had survived without her lips for the last month. I tangled my hands into her wild curls and pulled her closer to me so that I could deepen the kiss.

Ashley wrapped her arms around me, one hand was on my waist while the other found a place in between my shoulder blades. I felt her smile into the kiss before her lips began dancing with mine again. It was the most wonderful kiss we had shared to date. This one was special. This one was a promise of something more, of our future.

I broke the kiss and stepped back out of her arms. I bit my lip and grinned at her before turning and walking towards the stairs to my apartment. "Hey, wait! Where are you going Blue?" Ashley called after me.

I spun around and winked at her, "Well I figure there is no better way to end the night than what just happened so good night Ashley. Call me tomorrow and we'll sort out what we're doing on our second official date."

Ashley shook her head and giggled, "Ok Blue, good night beautiful."

I smiled tenderly and waved before heading upstairs to my place, the smile never leaving my lips.

----------

**Song Used in this chapter:**

**Under the Stars by Jamestown Story**


	30. Sharing the Joy

**Thanks yet again for the wonderful reviews.**

Palexobsessed – yep I figured it was about time for a kiss lol. Hehe happy gay worms, definitely cute! I'd agree, Spencer's reaction to Paula was very understandable.

Spaiden14 – Aw thanks! I love a huge variety of music so have a lot to draw on.

MrsMusgraveTNG – Yeah figured it was about time. We are on the Spashley train now.

shayer – Thanks! So glad you liked the chapter. You're right we do sometimes analyse things too much while missing the answers that are right in front of us, its something I tend to do a lot. Thanks again

uluvme – Yep your prayers and voodoo chanting paid off lol. Glad you liked the chapter, it was a fun one to write. Hehe, yeah I have a thing for dramatics too so go for it!

WillowOn3 – Hehe thanks Sweets! When thinking about what Ashley would say to Spencer about Paula I just thought about what I would need to hear in that situation. Man I would love to find my Spencer or Ashley too!

DarceLynn, sunsetstrip2010, LoveAsh87, drummergirl244, mutt009, KathleenDee – Thank you all so much

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, Julian is though…**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty – Sharing the Joy**

Ashley's POV

After Spencer had disappeared inside, leaving me standing outside Pella with the taste of her kiss still on my lips, I stood for a long time with my fingers lightly brushing my chest as my heart pounded and my thoughts raced. I had wanted this for so long and now that it was happening I couldn't really get my mind around it. I was terrified tonight had all been some beautiful dream that I would wake up from.

It had been one hell of a few days! Well actually my life had been a huge rollercoaster ever since I'd met Spencer Carlin, not that I would trade a single second of it. We were moving forward. I was going on a date with Spencer, and better than that she had initiated it. She had asked me to ask her out. She wanted us. Holding her in my arms on the dance floor had just felt so totally right. It had truly been a perfect night.

I took one last look at the door Spencer had disappeared through before walking to my car. On the drive home I took a little detour and dropped by Julian's to see how he was doing after what had happened with Tom. It had been a few days since he had beaten Tom (completely deserved if you ask me!) and Julian had gone totally reclusive. I had been to see him everyday but he was hiding from everyone else.

He had even gone so far as to cancel band practice, which I was taking as a sign of the coming apocalypse. He and I had talked for hours, I think of all people I could understand what he is going through here. When I was holding that broom over my head with Tom on the ground at my feet I wanted to kill him. I literally wanted to beat him until he was no longer breathing. I wanted him to pay for what he had done to Spencer. If she hadn't needed me I think I would have beaten him to death.

I understood completely how Julian felt. I wanted to kill Tom and it scared me that I could feel so much rage and hatred for another human being. I usually hate violence, but if it comes down to protecting someone I love then all bets are off and the gloves come off. I just wanted Julian to be ok. I wanted all of us to be ok.

I pulled up in front of Julian's place and walked up to the door. I could hear a lone guitar playing so opted to just walk in rather than knocking. I found Julian hunched over his acoustic guitar in the living room, he looked tired and kind of drained. I walked in and took a seat beside him.

"Hey Jules, how you doing?" I asked softly as he continued to play the guitar part of The Resolution.

"I'm ok Ash, feeling ok. Hang on a second what's going on with you?" He asked turning to face me with the first genuine smile I had seen on his face in days.

I looked at him confused, "Um nothing, I just finished having dinner with Spencer and wanted to check on you."

"Ah so you had dinner with Spencer then, is that why you're all glowy and shit?" Julian asked with a smirk.

"I'm not 'glowy!' I have no idea what you're talking about," I insisted, not too convincingly I might add.

"Yeah right, Ash you are glowing and you have this goofy happy look on your face, so again I ask you what is going on?" Julian asked with a grin as he laid his guitar aside and turned to face me fully.

I rolled my eyes, "I came here to see how _you_ are Jules."

"Yeah I know that, but if you want to make me feel better Ash then start spilling!" Julian said with a sad smile. It was obvious that he was still struggling, but being the good, amazing, guy that he is he would put all that aside for me.

"Ok, ok! Well actually there is great news Jules, better than great even. Tom was arrested today," I said with a beaming smile.

Julian just froze for a moment and then a smile spilt his handsome face and he jumped to his feet. He pulled me up and swung me into his arms as he cheered and laughed. "Oh my God that is brilliant! I mean if they got him then they must have a damn good case against him. This is so damn good!"

I laughed and nodded as he put me back on my feet. "Yeah it is, Spence is thrilled, cautious but thrilled. Then to put a damper on the good news Paula chose to turn up at Spencer's place to apologise for everything. She really spun Spencer for a loop, she has no idea what to do. I told Spencer she had to decide for herself if she could forgive her mother, but all I really wanted to do was tell her to never let that monstrous bitch into her life again. Paula has so much to feel guilty for here," I said shaking my head and thinking some not particularly nice thoughts about Mrs. Carlin.

"I agree completely. Paula practically handed Spencer to Tom, she forced her into a relationship with the guy who ended up trying to rape her. Not to mention all the shit she put Spencer through when she came out. Paula does not deserve forgiveness, not ever," Julian said with a heavy frown.

"No she doesn't, but I guess that is Spencer's call ultimately. Anyway onto happier things, after Paula had been there I turned up to Spencer's and we had dinner together at Pella to celebrate Tom getting locked up, it was nice," I said with a shy smile.

"Hold up, what's with that smile Davies? Did something finally happen with you two?" Julian asked with an excited, eager expression on his face. He was so invested in this relationship, it was sweet.

I bit my lip and grinned, "Maybe."

"Oh come on! Don't hold out on me Davies! What happened? I feel like I am almost too invested in this," Julian asked almost bouncing in his seat with anticipation.

I grinned at him and answered softly, "Well we had dinner and it was weird, good weird. I mean it was like we were on a date. There was a slight tension and blatant flirting. Oh and then we danced, which was amazing. She totally initiated the contact, she wrapped her arms round my neck and held me close. I didn't want to push her so I left the ball in her court. She let me hold her in my arms and I kinda had to convince myself that it wasn't a dream. Then she pulled away from me suddenly and I got scared that she was going to freak out on me and bolt like she did the first time I kissed her after that first gig at Pella, which by the way feels like it was a million years ago. Instead she dragged me out of the bar and took me outside. I was kinda freaking out, and she looked like she had something major to say."

Julian leaned forward in his seat, an expectant, transfixed expression on his face, "ok so then what happened?" He asked. He was kind of reminding me of a housewife desperate for her soap to come on and reveal the big cliff hanger that left it on the day before. It was kind of endearing and sweet.

"Well she said she wanted to talk to me about something and that a crowded club wasn't the place to do that. She told me that she had forgotten the reasons she had for not letting us be together. And then she asked me to ask her out," I finished with a beaming smile as I replayed the moment in my mind.

"Oh my GOD! That is awesome, what happened next? You did ask her out right?" Julian asked, smiling so big I thought his mouth might get stuck like that. I felt good to see him happy after how understandably miserable he had been the past few days.

"Of course I did! If the girl you're in love with asks you to ask her out you damn well do it!," I giggled, "Well after that I did what she asked, I asked her out and she said yes," I felt a huge smile take over my face, she had said yes! "Then she leaned in and told me that she loved me before she kissed me. She kissed me Julian. She kissed me tenderly, but also passionately. It was hot and sweet and it made me question how the hell I had survived without her lips on mine for so long. Then she pulled away and went inside, that girl is a tease," I said with an affectionate smile.

"Wow! That is so awesome Ash! I am so happy for both of you. This has been a long time coming. You know it was inevitable right?" Julian asked thoughtfully.

"What's that?" I asked with a confused head tilt.

"You and Spencer. It was inevitable. It's the unstoppable force Ash," Julian explained with a soft smile. "Usually I would have to have my best friend speech here, you know, tell you that if you ever hurt her I'll hunt you down and kick your ass…even if you are a chick, but I have a feeling that with you that speech is entirely unnecessary. You would never hurt her intentionally and I know in my heart that no one will ever love her quite like you do. Just be good to her Ashley and you and I will never have a problem," Julian said as he took my hand in his.

"I will Jules, she is all I think about, all I dream about. She is all I want. I love her. I am in love with her. I will be by her side as long as she'll let me, fingers crossed for forever!" I said and we both chuckled.

"Yeah you two will be right, two hopeless romantics who have just gotten a little battered by the shit the world has thrown at you. I so better get an invite to the wedding, and I call god father for your first born!" Julian said with a determined nod.

I laughed, "I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there Jules. We have been on one official date and you're already thinking about our children?"

"Who are you kidding Ash? The number of official dates you and Spencer have had has no bearing on the intense emotional connection between you. Just remember I have seen and heard all, you would be amazed what you see when no one is watching you. Plus Spencer confides in me and then you confide in me so I kinda get the whole picture. She loves you Ash, you two are so damn lucky," Julian said almost wistfully.

"Yeah I guess we are. No scratch that, I know we are. Now what about you Jules? What's going on with you?" I asked gently.

Julian laughed humourlessly, "I'm getting by Ash, not much more I can do right now. I think once the shock wore off and I really began to comprehend what I had done I kind of lost it there. I called the hospital to see how he was doing, I pretended to be his brother and the nurse must have been a little stupid because Tom so doesn't have a brother or any siblings that I know about. I did a number on him Ash, he had so many injuries. I just can't believe that I lost control like that, that kind of violence is just not me!" Julian said as he ran a hand through his thick black hair.

"Julian I know its not you, you are not a violent guy but when someone you love is hurt you can't always control how you respond. You and I both took our anger out on Tom violently and he deserved it. He hurt a woman we both love so much and our responses, while excessive, were understandable. The best part is that he's locked up now and once the trial is over he will be in jail for a good long time, paying for what he has done. He is never going to be able to hurt Spencer again. It's going to be ok Julian," I said as I rested a hand on his broad shoulder.

Julian smiled, a tiny smile but a smile none the less, "yeah I know. Hey thanks for being there for me the last couple of days."

I grin and give his shoulder a squeeze, "You're very welcome J man." We spent the next few hours just chilling and playing guitar hero. I don't know if you have ever seen two guitarists battle it out in guitar hero, but let me just say it got a little intense and competitive and resulted in a busted guitar (I would like to blame Julian but it was totally me).

I knew that no matter how much Julian was still struggling with what he had done, ultimately he would be ok. Julian was strong and such a damn good guy that he would get through this and I was going to help him however I could, my first order of business would be buying him a new Guitar Hero guitar to replace the one I'd busted, oops!

As I was getting ready to leave I turned to face Julian and gave him a warm hug, "J man, you are truly one of those elusive good guys and I know that you're gonna be ok, but what you have to do now is get back into the music buddy. We are going to hear the completed demo Monday afternoon and then I think we should start having band practices again, it's been a few days since we've had one and I know you will feel better playing music, hell we all will."

"Yeah you're right, it's just that I'm, well I'm..." Julian trailed off and looked down at his hands.

"You're scared to see Spencer? Am I right?" I asked gently.

"Yeah I am, I guess it's stupid but I feel as if she'll know when she sees me that I have done something, I'm scared she'll know,' Julian confessed with a sad little smile.

I took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, "Jules its ok to be nervous about seeing her, but it's all going to be ok. She loves you man and right now I think you could both do with some of our kick ass jam sessions and each other. Like you told her, let the music heal you. It's all going to be fine."

Julian pulled me into his arms for a warm hug. I left not long after my head a strange swirl of emotions as I thought about Spencer and Julian. The drama of it all could not, however, take away from my excitement about my date with Spencer the next night. I went to bed with a huge smile on my face and dreams of my beautiful blonde in my head.

Spencer's POV

I poured the fresh brewed coffee into some mugs and handed them over to my father and brother who sat at the counter in my kitchen. Scooping up a cup for myself I jumped up to sit on the bench, earning me a reproachful look from my Dad. "Sorry Dad, but this is my kitchen and if I want to sit on the counter then I'm gonna do it," I said with a teasing smile. My Dad and Glen laughed and each took a sip of their coffee.

I smiled at two of my favourite men (of course Julian and Clay are counted in that group as well) and picked up one of the fresh, homemade mixed berry muffins my Dad had brought around. Damn they were good. I took a bite of the still warm muffin and moaned as the taste hit my tongue. "Damn Spence, do you want us to leave you two alone?" Glen asked with a smirk.

I glared at him and stuck out my tongue, mature I know. Dad chuckled and smacked Glen on the back of the head, "Be nice to your little sister!" Glen stared at Dad incredulously until we all started laughing. It felt great to be able to laugh and enjoy time with my family again. It was like I was finally waking up from the funk I had been in since Tom attacked me, well actually the funk I had been in since Carmen attacked me.

The jovial impromptu afternoon tea soon took a serious turn when Dad rested his hand on my shoulder and asked kindly, "Are you ok Princess? I heard that your Mom came to see you yesterday." I glanced over at Glen, who's guilty look told me exactly who had told Dad about my unexpected visitor, not that I didn't want him to know. I guess I just kind of wanted to tell him myself.

"Yeah Dad I'm ok. I mean it was hard to see her after everything that's happened, all the things she did and said. The thing is, she was different, really different. I don't know how to explain it properly, but she actually seemed to regret what she did, and all the things she said. She told me she felt responsible for what happened with Tom. I don't know. I guess part of me wants to believe her and then the other part of me is scared of ever leaving myself vulnerable to that woman again," I answered with my eyes locked on the ground.

My Dad got up off his stool and walked around the bench to pull me into a warm, comforting hug. "Spencer, no one can tell you how to react to this. Your mother has not treated you fairly and many people would not be able to forgive her for what she has done, but if you decide you want her in your life and that you want to try and give her a second chance then that is alright too. Take your time sweetheart, there is no rush here," my Dad said kindly.

I titled my head and smiled at him, "You know that is exactly what Ashley said last night when I told her what happened with Paula."

My Dad and Glen shared a knowing look, which made me narrow my eyes at them both. "Well that Ashley is a smart girl Spence, a good girl. I really like her," My Dad said with a grin.

"Yeah me too, anyone who can hold their own against the Carlin brother's interrogation like she did at dinner the other night is alright by me. Plus you're different around her Spencer, happier. Like last night, you guys were totally in your own little world and it was sweet to watch," Glen said before he stuffed almost an entire muffin into his mouth.

I blushed and took a drink of my coffee to hide my flaming cheeks. Dad chuckled and said softly, "She's good for you Spencer. So last night huh? Care to share with your old man?"

Glen laughed, spraying muffin crumbs all over my formerly clean bench, and I looked at Dad in horror, one thing I wasn't so keen on was filling my father in on was my love life. Seeing I wasn't going to speak Glen took it upon himself to fill Dad in. "Well Dad from what I could see they shared a romantic dinner and then got down on the dance floor to some awesome music provided by my DJ. They were dancing pretty close and then Spencer here dragged Ashley out of the bar and I don't know what happened after that. Spencer, would you like to fill in the blanks?" Glen flashed me a smirk and I kinda wanted to punch him in the face.

"Uh…well, um I'm not sure how appropriate it is for me to be discussing this with you guys," I stammered as I hopped off the bench and put my now empty coffee cup in the dishwasher. I walked over to the living room and threw myself down on the sofa. Dad and Glen shared a knowing look before following me, thankfully bringing the muffins.

I snatched one as soon as Dad sat down the plate of them and started munching away, hoping that would discourage my family from asking any more questions that would make me blush any harder than I already was. Dad and Glen just looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to respond. When I saw that they were not going to let this go I sighed and sat up straighter on the sofa.

"Fine, God you guys are not going to let this go are you?" they both grinned like naughty school boys and nodded. I sighed again, "Ok fine! Well we talked and had a good time and for the first time in a month I actually felt human again. She makes me feel safe, loved and understood. She gets me and no matter what she has always been there for me, no matter what shit I have thrown at her. That girl deserves a medal!" I chuckled and shook my head.

"She really does care for you Spencer, she would do anything for you," My Dad said with a wide smile on his face.

I grinned and looked down at my hands shyly, "Yeah I know. She is pretty amazing. Like Glen said, we had dinner and danced and then I took her outside so that we could talk. It was too crowded to talk in the bar. We talked for a while…and, um…" I trailed off and blushed as I stared at my hands.

"And what Spence? Come on, tell us!" Glen whined like a little girl.

"You are aware that when you whine like that you sound like an eight year old girl right?" I deadpanned.

Dad just laughed and held up a hand to stop Glen responding. Dad knew a slinging match between Glen and I could go on, literally, for hours. "Ok Glen, she has a point you do whine like a little girl. If I close my eyes its like hearing Spencer whine when she was little and Spence if you really don't want to tell us then you don't have to, but we love you and want yo know that everything is ok with you," My Dad said in his usual, calming voice.

I smiled at him and reached over to give his hand a squeeze, "I'm ok Dad, really. If I'm being honest Ashley is a big part of why I am actually ok. After we left the bar we talked and well, I guess I should tell you that we are going out on a real date tonight! She called this morning and will be coming over later to take me out!" I shrieked excitedly, sounding embarrassingly like a teenage girl talking about her very first date ever.

My Dad stood up, dragging me with him, and pulled me into a big bear hug. I hugged him tightly and laughed with excitement. "That's wonderful Sweetheart! I am so happy for you and Ashley." My Dad murmured as he held me close. As soon as I was released Glen grabbed me in a fierce bear hug that had my feet well off the ground.

"I love you Baby Sis and I am so happy for you and her. Although I think Ashley and I may have to have a little chat about her intentions with you. I'll call Clay and we'll suss it all out," Glen said thoughtfully…he totally wasn't kidding, which was the scary part and one of the many reasons I had always been reluctant to introduce partners to my family, specifically my brothers. They were very over-protective which had only gotten worse since Carmen and now Tom.

"Um no Glen I don't think that will be necessary. I'd say that Ashley has nothing but honourable intentions for our Spencer," My Dad said with a twinkle in his eyes. I chuckled and grinned at them both, Ashley's intentions may by honourable, but I have to say that mine weren't entirely. I was having a hard time not fantasising about all the things she could do to me with her strong musician's fingers.

I was drawn from my rather dirty thoughts by a loud knock on my door. I smiled at my father and brother and jogged over to the door. "Cheek the peep hole!" My father and brother said in unison. I rolled my eyes and complied, nearly passing out from shock when I did.

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**Dum, Dum, DUM…who's at the door people?!**


	31. Moving Forward

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-One - **

_I was drawn from my rather dirty thoughts by a loud knock on my door. I smiled at my father and brother and jogged over to the door. "Cheek the peep hole!" My father and brother said in unison. I rolled my eyes and complied, nearly passing out from shock when I did._

Spencer's POV

Standing on the other side of my door was none other than Mr. Brooks, Tom's father.

"Oh fuck!" I muttered while fighting the urge to pass out, hyperventilate or throw up all over my front door.

"Spencer, what's going on?" My Dad asked in concern, picking up immediately on my panic and tension, or possibly just seeing the sickly green colour my face had turned while I fought to control my urge to up-chuck.

I turned and looked at my Dad and Glen with horror on my stricken face before I swung open the front door to reveal the grey haired man on the other side. Mr. Brooks swept his eyes over all three of us, my father and brother had moved to stand beside me, and smiled tightly. "I think it's safe for me to say that I am the last person you expected to find on your door step aren't I Miss Carlin?" He said in his calm, measured voice.

I just nodded, too dumbstruck to say a word. Dad stepped forward and stood protectively at my side, "What are you doing here Bill? You have no business coming anywhere near my daughter or any of my family."

Mr. Brooks sighed tiredly and ran a hand over his perfectly styled steel grey hair. "I know Arthur, I am well aware what my son has done to your daughter and the ripple effect that would have had on your entire family and that's why I'm here. I was hoping to talk to Spencer," He said with an unreadable expression on his weathered face.

My Dad frowned at him and turned to me, "Spence? What do you want to do?"

I looked at the old man in front of me and for the first time since I'd been introduced to him I saw a flicker of remorse and vulnerability in his eyes. I bit my lip and turned back to my Dad, "I think we should listen to what he has to say," I murmured.

"Oh hell no, there is no way that is happening while I'm here!" Glen almost shouted.

Dad stepped back and placed a hand on his shoulder, "Son this is Spencer's choice, not yours. If she wants to hear him out then she can. If you don't like it then leave."

Glen glared at Mr. Brooks and then looked at me, as though trying to decipher what I was feeling. Finally he nodded, "Ok fine, but if he so much as says one thing to hurt her I am throwing him out, I don't care how old he is!"

I smiled thinly at that and stepped back to let Mr. Brooks into my apartment. Mr. Brooks followed me in and we all took a seat on my sofas, Dad and Glen flanking me on one and Mr. Brooks alone on the other.

I looked at him expectantly, I wasn't going to be offering him a drink or anything, I just wanted this over so I could get him out of my apartment and out of my life. He was a reminder of a part of my life I was desperately trying to move on from.

"Well I assume you would like me to cut to why I have come here today, am I right?" Mr. Brooks asked frowning at us.

"Yeah that would be good thanks, and then you can leave," I said through gritted teeth.

Mr. Brooks chuckled coldly, "well I understand why you would want that. I know that I am far from your favourite person and as I'm sure you are aware the feeling is entirely mutual."

I glared hard at him while Glen growled, yes _growled_, beside me. Dad sat up straighter and stared at Mr. Brooks with a look of the utmost contempt, "If that's how you feel Bill then I suggest you say what you have to say and then get out."

Mr. Brooks smirked at my father, the expression on his face was so like Tom it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. "Ok Arthur. Well what I have to say is this, I want to help you get Tom convicted. I want to help you get him thrown in prison."

I stared at him in shock, pretty much just waiting for him to jump up, point and shout 'PSYCHE'. I was deeply disturbed when that didn't happen. I looked sideways at my Dad and then at Glen, both of whom looked just as confused and shocked as me. "Um I'm sorry Mr. Brooks, could you please repeat that?" I asked dumbfounded.

He smiled softly, almost kindly, and then his hard exterior came back up and he said, "I'd say you heard what I said Spencer, but I'll repeat it anyway. I said I want to help you get Tom convicted. I went into the police station yesterday once they called to tell me he had been arrested and offered them my assistance."

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, looking like a dying fish I'm sure, before I could manage to form words, "Why, why would you do that? You have made your feelings about my particular lifestyle plain so why the hell would you want to help me? And at the expense of your son? I just don't get it."

Mr. Brooks nodded and he suddenly looked older than I had ever seen him, "I understand your confusion and trepidation. I have given you no reason to trust that my intentions are pure here. I just hope that you can trust in my anger and disappointment in my son brining shame to me and his mother."

My father clenched his hands into tight fists and moved forward so that he was sitting on the very edge of the sofa, "Your son tried to _rape_ my daughter and you are here because he shamed your family? You disgust me Bill!"

"Dad, it's ok. Mr. Brooks probably thinks I deserved what Tom did to me, given how disgusting and perverse he thinks my lifestyle is. Am I right Mr. Brooks?" I spat at him, glaring angrily at the older man.

The older man sighed and ran a hand over his immaculate silver hair before looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "While I may never approve of your choice to live a life of sin as a homosexual I can never condone what my son has done to you. What Tom did is so abhorrent to me I am disgusted and ashamed to call him my son. Spencer, I would never wish to see you hurt and violated just for your choice of lifestyle, nothing deserves what Tom has done to you and I truly hope he pays for his crimes."

I stared at him in stunned silence as tears gathered in my eyes. I took a good long look at the man in front of me and saw for the first time a beaten, tired old man who was struggling with the weight of the world on his once broad, proud shoulders. I actually felt for him. I know that Bill Brooks was a flawed man, and a lot of who Tom had become was down to him, but sitting in front of me was a broken man. A man who was willing to help see his only son convicted because it was the right thing to do.

I nodded and gave him a tired smile, "Thank you Mr. Brooks that really means a lot."

He smiled back, just as tiredly, "You're welcome. I have done a lot in my life I am not proud of, I have far too many regrets. Maybe by doing this, finally doing the right thing instead of the easy thing, I will find some peace. I am sorry that I was involved in forcing you and Tom to be together, that was a grievous error on your mother's and my part. I know that forgiveness is something I shouldn't even ask for, but I hope in time you can find it in your heart to forgive an old fool who should have known better."

I sighed and looked down at my hands, "Maybe in time. So what now?"

"Now I go into the police station tomorrow and tell them and the prosecutor all that I know that may be of assistance. I have refused to assist Tom financially with this, I will not pay for his defense and will not stand up to support him. His mother has cried almost constantly since we first heard what he did, yes we have never had a doubt that he is guilty, and I can not forgive him hurting my wife so badly. She is on medication now, that's how much this has all upset her. I am a lot of things Miss Carlin, but I have always been repulsed by men who would use violence and force against a woman. My father was a brute of a man who treated my mother horribly and I will not stand for my son to do the same to you or any woman. Tom will pay for all he has done," Mr. Brooks said with determination.

"I don't really know what to say Mr. Brooks, this is all a lot to take in," I murmured as my brain tried to absorb all that he had said.

"Then let's not say anything more. I will do what I can to help the prosecution and if you need anything, or know of any way in which I can be of assistance please contact me. I'll leave now, thank you for your time," Mr. Brooks said in his refined tone. He rose to his feet and headed towards the door with me, my Dad and Glen following him.

Mr. Brooks swung the door open and turned to nod at us before departing. As he exited my apartment I saw a very confused Ashley staring at us all from the top of the stairs. She glared at Mr. Brooks as he brushed past her, not acknowledging her presence, before she turned to me and titled her head in confusion. "Ok will someone please tell me what the father of the anti-Christ was doing here?"

I don't know if it was the build up of all the stress and tension of Mr. Brooks visit or just the way Ashley asked her question, but me, Dad and Glen all burst out laughing before we led her inside to explain.

Ashley's POV

After calling Spencer the morning after our dinner at Pella and setting up the details for our date, I spent the day trying to stay calm and not get too nervous about our upcoming night together. I cleaned my place and then alphabetised my DVD collection. Once that was done I spent half an hour organising my wardrobe so that all my clothes faced the same way and were organised by type and by colour. Clearly I was trying to kill time before I could get over to see my girl.

Spencer had sounded so excited on the phone, like she genuinely couldn't wait to see me. It still felt kind of like a dream. I was so excited I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. We had experienced so many speed bumps and hurdles to be together, part of me was just waiting for the next crisis to spring up.

Oh well, enough with the negative thoughts. I was going out on a date with Spencer Carlin, nothing was bringing me down! I had the whole night planned out, Spencer didn't want anything too extravagant so I had settle on a classic itinerary for a date, dinner and a movie.

We had decided that I would pick her up at 6pm so at 4.30 I started getting ready. I showered and then had a minor teary when I couldn't get y hair to sit just how I wanted it to. I agonised over my outfit, changing it several times before I was happy with it. I ultimately settled on a short denim skirt with a burgundy halter-neck top that left my back bare. I accessorised with a pair of tan sandals and a chunky gold bangle with large hoop earrings.

Once I felt presentable I headed over to Spencer's. I had planned to bring her flowers but was so eager to get there that I totally forgot to stop and get some. I parked my car next to Spencer's and frowned a little at the various other cars parked around hers. I recognised one as Glen's and one I was pretty sure was her fathers. The other I didn't know but I figured the steel grey Jaguar was probably not just randomly parked there.

I walked up the stairs to her front door and almost had a melt down when I saw Mr. Brooks, Tom's father, walking out of her front door. I glared at him angrily, I hated that man. It wasn't just because of who his son was, it was because of how he had spoken to Spencer at the restaurant while we were on our last official date. I couldn't stand bigotry and homophobia from anyone, I hated the people who let ignorance and stupid beliefs shape their opinions of such a diverse group of people. I kinda hoped his appearances would not be a regular thing at my dates with Spencer.

Mr. Brooks brushed past me without even a sideways glance, I really wasn't surprised to see him totally ignore my presence. To him I was a bad guy. I had corrupted his son's girlfriend and disrupted his perfect little world. I hated that man intensely, probably about as much as he hated me.

I turned around and looked a Spencer with confusion, "Ok will someone please tell me what the father of the anti-Christ was doing here?" I asked with a little frown.

Spencer, her father and her brother all looked at me and then at each other before they burst out laughing. I looked on with concern, genuinely worried that at long last they had all lost their minds. After everything the three of them had been through I wouldn't blame them if they took leave of their senses.

After a few moments Spencer calmed down enough to lead me into the apartment. We took a seat on the sofa with the three of them still giggling a little.

Spencer smiled softly at me, "Well I'm guessing you want to know what Mr. Brooks was doing here?" I nodded and she smiled again before continuing, "Well you may not believe this but he came here to help. He's been to the police and wants to help us to get Tom locked up. He has committed to help. He even kind of apologized. It was strange really."

I looked back and forth between Spencer and the two men to see if they were kidding, "Seriously?" I asked, still confused.

Spencer giggled, "Yeah Brown, seriously. Now you stay here and I'll just quickly get changed, I'm sorry I'm not ready but Mr. Brooks kind of caught me off guard."

"Sure no worries, take your time," I grinned at her and chuckled as she practically skipped down the hall towards her bedroom.

I was watching her leave when a soft voice said, "It's been a damn long time since I have seen my little girl as happy as she is when she is with you. In fact I don't think I have ever seen her so happy."

I looked up at Mr. Carlin and smiled shyly, "It's a two way street Mr. C, she makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. I would do anything if it meant I could see her smile."

Mr. Carlin nodded and grinned, "Yeah I think you'll do. And Ashley, its Arthur, don't make me tell you again," He teasingly scolded.

I smiled shyly and nodded, "Got it Mr.…I mean Arthur." I smiled sheepishly and Arthur laughed at me. Glen grinned and laid a hand on my shoulder to give it a squeeze.

"Yeah you'll do." Glen said in agreement with his father. I beamed at them both and we chatted a bit more about Mr. Brooks visit while we waited for Spencer to appear.

I was sitting with my back to the archway so almost broke my neck spinning around to see her after Glen let out a low whistle and said, "Looking good little sister!"

For the record Glen was right, she looked incredible. She had slipped on a pair of dark blue jeans and a vintage band t with a black leather jacket hanging over her arm. She had traded her usual Converses for a pair of black leather boots. Her long blonde hair was up in a ponytail that brushed her back each time she moved. She looked beautiful.

I beamed and took a step closer to her, "you look amazing Spence."

She blushed a dark pink and looked down at her feet shyly, "Thanks Ashley, you too."

I beamed and took her hand in mine. We said our goodbyes to her Dad and brother before I led her down the stairs to my car. I couldn't wait for our night to begin. I opened her door for her and helped her into my car before heaving around to the driver's side and climbing in.

"So you ready beautiful?" I murmured as she smiled over at me with the sweetest smile.

"Yeah I think I just might be. So where are you taking me Brown?" Spencer asked with a coy smile and one of her adorable head tilts.

"Well I was thinking we'd do dinner and a movie, you know something simple so we can just spend time together. Is that ok?" I asked shyly.

Spencer nodded and grinned, "Yeah sounds kinda perfect. I put myself totally in your hands Miss Davies."

I blushed bright red as I thought of all the things I could do with her 'in my hands'. I'm fairly sure Spencer picked up on the direction my thoughts had taken because she just giggled, winked at me and gave my hand a squeeze. We spent the rest of the drive holding hands and sneaking shy glances at each other.

Dinner was perfect. We chatted about everything and anything. From music to what had happened with Tom to our childhoods. She opened up to me completely. She held nothing back. She admitted her fears and insecurities and let me address them and offer reassurances. It was truly the start of something new for us.

We had always had a certain degree of intimacy between us and now we had reached a whole new level. It was weird I was more intimate with her than I had ever been with anyone and we had never actually had real physical intimacy between us. What I had with Spencer transcended the physical. It was almost spiritual.

After dinner at this quaint little French restaurant, I took her to my favourite drive in movie theatre. We snuggled up in the front seat of my car with popcorn and drinks and watched Casablanca, which Spencer had told me was one of her favourite movies of all time. I will admit that I watched Spencer more than I watched the movie, she was just so beautiful I couldn't tear my eyes off her.

After the movie Spencer asked me to take her back to the clearing I'd shown her on our first date. It's true what I'd told her that night, I have never shared that spot with anyone, not even Kyla or Aiden. It had always been me and my Dad's place and until Spencer I never wanted to share it with anyone else.

I parked my Porsche on the side of the road at the base of the hill. I smiled over at Spencer and said jokingly, "So you want some sneakers or are you going to make the trek in you boots?"

Spencer stuck her tongue out at me and pouted adorably. "You're teasing me, and that is just not nice Miss Davies!" Spencer said in a mockingly sad voice.

I beamed at her and giggled, "Yeah you're right, sorry Blue. I won't tease you any more."

Spence titled her head and smirked at me, "Well actually I think I kinda like you teasing me Brown." Spencer winked at me and climbed out of the car. I sat there stunned, and kind of turned on by her comment, when she came around to the driver's side and opened the door for me. She held out her hand, "So you coming with me Baby?"

I bit my lip and then beamed scarily big, she called me baby. I took her hand and stepped out of the car, I went to take a step away from the car only to be pulled back. Spencer pulled me against her body and gazed into my eyes before she smirked and pulled me into a kiss so passionate and intense that I literally felt my knees go weak and my heart race speed up to alarming rates.

I circled her body with my arms and pulled her as close to me as I could get her. We kissed hungrily and desperately, hands grasping and tugging, anything to get closer to one another. I moaned into her kiss as she entered my mouth with her tongue. I loved it when she took charge, it was so damn hot.

After a few minutes she pulled back and rested her forehead against mine, I heard her hum softly under her breath before she kissed me once again, chastely and sweetly. She moved back and smiled adoringly at me, "So how about you show me that clearing again? You know you need to protect me from all the monsters in the woods."

I threw back my head and laughed, "Ok Blue, I'll protect you from those scary non-existent monsters in the woods." I took her hand in mine and led her from the car and up the hill that led to the clearing.

We had been walking for a few minutes when she tripped over a tree root and I instinctively reach out and grabbed her around the waist, effectively stopping her from face planting it into the muddy ground. "Whoa careful there beautiful," I said with a smirk.

Spencer stuck out her tongue at me and pouted, "Shush you, just be glad I'm not wearing high heels this time!" I giggled, the last time I'd taken her to the clearing she had been wearing rather high heels.

"Yeah true, now come on, not far to go now!" I flashed her a grin before grabbing her hand again and continuing to lead her to me and my Dad's clearing. We walked up the hill hand in hand, at least this time Spencer wasn't jumping at every little noise like she did last time, although that was adorable and I did enjoy protecting her.

After a few more minutes we reached the clearing at the top of the hill. We walked right to the edge and stared out over the lights of L.A. the sight was beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as the woman standing beside me. I stepped behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back into my body.

Spencer snuggled back into my embrace and rested her arms over mine. I rested my head on her shoulder and rested my lips against her ear, "I am so glad you asked me to ask you out Blue." I whispered, loving the way she shivered when my breath caressed her ear.

"Me too, I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, well back here," Spencer said, turning her head so that her lips were millimetres away from mine.

"Don't you dare apologise Spencer, you got here when you were ready. You truly are the most incredible woman, you know that?" I said softly.

Spencer grinned and pecked my lips tenderly, "Oh am I now? I was just thinking the same thing about you. The way you have stood by, even before what happened with Tom you were there for me. I have never had anyone get me the way that you do, no one has ever understood me so well. No one else has ever always known the right things to say. I guess in a really long winded way I am trying to thank you for being a truly remarkable woman and that I am so in love with you."

I beamed before crushing my lips against hers. I held her so close to me that I could feel her heart beat vibrating through her back and into my chest. Her heart was racing and I knew that mine was doing the same. Spencer turned around so that she could wrap her arms around me, I grabbed her hips in my hands and pulled her closer to me.

Spencer pulled back out of my arms suddenly and grabbed my hips. She lowered herself back onto the soft grass on the hill, bringing me down on top of her. She smirked up at me, almost predatorily, as I lowered myself over her. I rested my hands either side of her head and straddled her hips. I grinned down at her, gazing into her truly remarkable ocean blue eyes which were now the colour of the water at midnight.

I must have been staring down at her for a little too long because she rolled her eyes adorably and said in frustration, "Are you going to kiss me anytime soon?"

I smirked down at her before capturing her lips in a soft, sweet kiss. Spencer moved her hands to the small of my back and pulled my body down on top of hers. I smiled against her lips at the feeling of her body underneath mine. She felt so damn good.

We lay in each other's arms, kissing intermittently and just holding each other until the sun rose up over the city. She looked so damn beautiful in the glow of the early morning sun. I kissed her swollen, bruised lips and whispered softly, "I love you so much Spencer Carlin."

Spencer smiled tenderly and whispered back, "I love you too." We lay there until the sun was up in the sky and then I drove a very sleep Spencer home. She was adorable when she was sleepy. She dozed off the second she hit the seat of my Porsche. It had been a truly wonderful night.


	32. Here Comes the Sun

**Thank you for reviewing.**

WillowOn3, uluvme, LoveAsh87 – Yep Mr. Brooks wants Tom put away as much as the rest of us do. As for the date…well it was a long time coming lol

DaceLynn, somthgIlike2do, darkangeleyes23, .Heart – Hehe thanks! Glad you liked it

mutt009 – Ah well I'm glad the angry storm is gone lol, Mr. Brooks knew where Spencer lived because he had dinner there once (ok totally just made that up). The date was definitely long awaited. Oh and the tat came out great thanks! I love it. it's been a month now and has healed beautifully.

shayer – I hope you're feeling better now and hey its nice to know my story takes priority over work lol. I think Mr. Brooks is a deeply flawed man, but he's still got a heart in there somewhere. I agree, Spencer and Ashley will not be rushing their relationship, you're right there is more to a relationship than sex. Thanks!

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine and I'm all cut up about it too!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Two – Here Comes the Sun**

Spencer's POV

I was on a serious high after my date with Ashley. Who knew that a single night could be so perfect? I have been on dates before, dates with charming men who did everything right (Tom is not included in this), but Ashley did it better. Imagine the most perfect date you could ever have, the best setting, most romantic moments and the most wonderful, perfect person and then times it by a million and you might get close to how awesome it is to be with Ashley Davies.

After we got back to my place I forced her to come upstairs with me, and yes I did say forced. Ashley was being all gentlemanly and wanted to just kiss me goodnight (or good morning as the case actually was) at my door and go home, but it was like 7am and she had been up for over twenty-four hours so I couldn't, in good conscious, let her drive home.

I dragged her into my apartment forcibly and down to my bedroom, I had never had so much trouble getting a person into my bedroom before. If I wasn't so sure her intentions were honourable I might have been insulted. I pushed her down to sit on my bed, ignoring her protests. I silenced her with a finger to her lips, "Ashley, chill. We are not going to have sex, we're just going to sleep."

Ashley stared up at me and then mumbled, "What? I never expected that we'd...you know that's not what I was after I mean I don't want to push it...hang on we're never going to have sex?" Ashley asked with the most adorable frown.

I started to laugh, "Oh Baby I didn't mean it like that. One day you and I will have sex. It will be hot, steamy, mind blowing sex, but that day is not today. I know you had no intention of getting me in the sack tonight, I know you would never push me into it before I was ready, so right now we are going to get changed into some pjs and then we are going to climb into my bed together and I am going to fall asleep in your arms. You got a problem with that?" I asked with a smirk.

Ashley bit her lip before giggling, "No I have absolutely no problem with that. Got some pjs I can borrow?"

I nodded and wandered over to my chest of draws to grab her some boxers and a tank top. I passed them over and nodded towards the bathroom, "Go change in the bathroom and I'll be waiting for you when you come out." Ashley smiled and headed into the bathroom with my clothes in her hand.

I smiled to myself and took off my clothes and slipped on a pair of blue and white check boxers and a tight white tank top that made me look all kinds of tan. I knew I wasn't trying to get in Ashley's pants but that didn't mean I couldn't look hot.

I slipped under the covers of my bed and settled back against my pillows. I heard the bathroom door open and snapped my eyes over to drink in the sight of her in my clothes. Ashley was beautiful all the time but there was something about seeing her in my pjs that just made me hot. I had given her a tight, black tank top and a pair of red, black, grey and white check boxer shorts.

I lifted the covers and patted the bed beside me, "Coming?" I asked with a smirk and a raised eye brow.

Ashley jogged across the floor and slipped in beside me, snuggling under the covers and leaving a safe distance between our barely covered bodies. I could feel the heat from her body next to mine and I couldn't not touch her. I rolled over and rested my cheek on her chest as I circled her waist with my arm. I looked up and saw her grin as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. I smiled and placed a soft kiss on her collar bone before snuggling in closer to her.

"Spence, are you alright? I mean with everything that has happened, not just with us but with everything?" Ashley murmured softly, her voice muffled by my hair.

I tilted my head so I could look up into her eyes, "Yeah I'm alright. In fact these days there is only one thing that makes me perfectly ok and that is being with you. You make me feel safe but at the same time on fire. I wish we could have gotten together without all the drama that has gone down." I kissed her chin gently and settled my head back on her chest.

Ashley grinned at me and whispered, "Blue, the drama, everything just led us here and made us stronger. I wish I could have met you years ago and have protected you from everything that has hurt you. I would go through a hundred times the drama if it meant I got to be with you. Spencer Carlin I love you."

I bit my lip and smiled, "I love you too." I leaned against her and then frowned a little. I glanced up and saw her eyes closed and a smiled on her lips, "Hey Ash?"

"Yeah Blue?"

"I kinda want to ask you something," I murmured softly, a nervous blush starting to colour my cheeks.

Ashley opened her eyes and grinned down at me, "What is it gorgeous?"

"I uh, I um I wanted to ask you if you would, um if you would bemygirlfriend?" I rambled a little too quickly for her to fully decipher what I had said.

Ashley tilted her head and looked at me with confusion, "Sorry Baby, I didn't quite catch that last part."

I sighed and raised myself up on my elbow so that I could look down into her eyes. I bit my lip and raised my hand to tuck some stray strands of her hair behind her ear, "What I said was, will you be my girlfriend?" I bit my lip nervously as I waited for her response.

Ashley beamed her nose-crinkling smile at me and said, "Seriously?"

I panicked, why didn't she just say yes, "Um yeah, but only if you want to. I mean you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want you to think you have to or anything, don't feel obligated," I rambled some more. Ashley smirked and put her finger on my lips to silence me.

"Shhh rambles, its ok. Yes I would love to be your girlfriend Spencer Carlin," She replied with a huge grin. I beamed down at her and leaned in to capture her lips in a sweet kiss that I hoped conveyed all that I felt for her.

We kissed for a few minutes and then I snuggled down in her arms and sighed in contentment. Soon we were both in a deep sleep and I think it's safe to say that the smiles never left either of our faces.

After some much needed sleep, firmly wrapped up in each others arms, we dragged ourselves out of bed and got dressed. We had to meet the band and Derek to hear the final recording of our demo. I was seriously excited, but my mind kept drifting back to the gorgeous brunette who's arms I had gotten to sleep in.

There are a lot of wonderful ways to sleep, but not one of them even comes close to comparing to sleeping in one Ashley Davies' arms. I literally couldn't wipe the smile off my face and she looked much the same.

We kept sneaking each other shy glances and flirtatious smiles, it was like we were high school kids all over again. I left her in my room as she finished getting ready and I headed down to the kitchen to throw together some breakfast for us. I began whisking some eggs to make scrambled eggs and whistling Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. As soon as I got to the first verse I began singing softly.

"Here comes the sun

Here comes the sun,  
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right"

I poured the egg mixture into a pan and began cooking the eggs while I dropped the bread in the toaster. I grinned to myself and swayed my hips a little as I kept singing.

"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...  
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting  
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear  
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,  
and I say it's all right  
It's all right"

I finished singing as the toast popped. I turned around to put the toast on some plates when I saw Ashley lounging against the counter with a huge, dazzling smile on her beautiful face. I blushed a deep crimson and bit my lip, "Uh how much of that did you see?"

Ashley's grin widened, "All of it."

"All of it huh?" She nodded and stepped around the counter to take me in her arms, "Well ok then, breakfast?"

Ashley smiled and leaned in to place a tender kiss on my waiting lips. I smiled into her kiss and tangled my fingers in her curly tresses. We kissed for a little longer before I reluctantly pulled back and began serving up the eggs.

"So Spence I have to ask, Here Comes the Sun?" Ashley asked with a nose-crinkling smile.

I chuckled, "yeah it's my happy song ok? My Dad used to sing it to me when I was little." I grabbed some coffee mugs and poured us each a cup before sitting down beside her at the counter as we tucked into our eggs.

"So you're happy today then?" Ashley asked coyly.

I smirked and cocked my head to the side, "yeah I think I just might be. Things are good right now. Tom's in jail, the band is making progress, I have a wonderful father and brothers, some great friends and I guess I kind of have you."

"You guess you 'kind of have me'?" Ashley asked with a teasing smirk.

I chuckled and took a sip of my coffee, "Yeah I kind of have you, seeing how I got you to agree to be my girlfriend in the early hours of the morning, or do you not remember that."

Ashley smirked and raised her eyebrow, "Ah yes I have some recollection of that. In fact I think I might remember every single second of that particular conversation, I definitely know that I haven't stopped smiling since."

I grinned and nodded, "yeah me too. I was so scared to let myself be vulnerable to you, to take a chance on us," I went to continue but was interrupted by Ashley bursting into song.

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line

Honey I'm still free  
Take a chance on me  
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around  
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown  
Honey I'm still free  
Take a chance on me  
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie  
If you put me to the test, if you let me try"

Ashley climbed off her stool and began dancing around the kitchen, swinging her hips and grinning at me. I giggled and shook my head at my adorable girlfriend…yeah girlfriend. That has a nice ring to it.

"We can go dancing, we can go walking, as long as we're together  
Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better  
'Cos you know I've got  
So much that I wanna do, when I dream I'm alone with you  
It's magic

You want me to leave it there, afraid of a love affair  
But I think you know  
That I can't let go"

She would have continued but I pulled her down onto my lap and kissed her adoringly. I broke our kiss to grin at her. I raised my eye brow and murmured, "As I was saying before you're little impromptu performance, now that I have let you in I can't really remember what it was I was so scared of. You make me so damn happy and I know that you will never hurt me. All my fears about letting myself fall for you were unfounded. I love you Ash, even after the ABBA impersonation."

Ashley chuckled then beamed as she leaned closer to me, "I love you too Blue." She closed the distance between us and kissed me lovingly on the lips. We kissed sweetly for a few more minutes and then I pulled back, giggling at her groan of protest.

"Sorry Brown, we have to get out of here so we can meet Derek and the band. Time to hear our demo for the first time," I climbed off the stool and went over to the sofa to retrieve my purse and my leather jacket. "You coming?" I asked with a smirk.

Ashley got to her feet and strode over to me with a gorgeous grin on her face. She stopped a few feet from me and put her hands on her hips, "hmm yeah I'm coming."

I smirked at her and tilted my head, "Did you mean that to come out dirty Ash? Coz if I can make you come just by talking to you, then I'm better than I thought." As soon as the words left my mouth I felt a blush colour my cheeks as I stared down at the ground and bit my lip.

I heard Ashley clear her throat and murmur, "Spence look at me," I flicked my eyes up to meet hers and caught her trying to hide a grin and choke back her laughter. I flashed her a mock glare and she said, "its ok Spence, you can talk dirty to me anytime, or not. Whatever you want, it's ok Blue."

I giggled and shook my head, "You really do always say the right thing. Now let's go!" I grabbed her hand and dragged her out the door, hardly giving her time to pick up her bag. In no time at all we were climbing into her Porsche and on our way to Derek's office, both of us singing giddily along to the radio.

I smiled over at the woman beside me, loving the way she concentrated so hard on the road, biting her lip to keep in the string of obscenities that she so desperately wanted to scream at the granny in the Volvo who just cut her off. It was sweet, I knew she concentrated so hard because she wanted to make sure we got there safely, she was always protecting me.

We pulled into a parking space down the street from Derek's office, running about ten minutes late, which I did not like. I have always hated being late, it made me all sweaty and anxious. We walked down the side walk to the building with Ashley giggling at my anxiety and trying to make me walk slower…nope it wasn't going to happen!

I dragged her laughing ass into the office and we were directed down the hall to a meeting room where everyone was already waiting for us. I smiled apologetically and sat down next to Julian, who kinda looked at me guiltily. Ash took the seat on the other side of me. I could feel her eyes on me as I looked at Julian carefully. I noticed that he looked tired and kind of sad. I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze, which was when I noticed how banged up his knuckles were. I narrowed my eyes at him and the guilty look on his face told me all I needed to know.

I sighed and leaned in close to him as Derek was greeting Sam and Neil who had just joined us. Everyone, but Ashley, was focused on them as I turned Julian's face so that he was looking at me and said softly, "So what did you do to Tom?"

Julian's eyes widened and his mouth fell open, "how did…how did you know?"

I smiled sadly and kissed him on the cheek, "Because I know you Jules and I know that the only time you would ever get violent is to stand up for someone you love. I see the busted knuckled and I jump to an obvious conclusion, you beat the shit outta Tom before he got arrested. Detective Lewis told my Dad that Tom was pretty beaten up when they arrested him. The other thing that tipped me off is the fact that you have been avoiding me, am I right?"

Julian looked me in the eye and nodded his expression a mixture of shame and self-loathing. I looked around to make sure everyone was still engrossed in their conversation before turning back to Julian, "Jules its ok, look I know I would have wanted to do the same thing if our positions had been reversed. Do I wish you hadn't done it? Yes. But I get why you did and love you for it. Julian you are a damn good guy and I love you so very much, you're my best friend."

I was instantly pulled into a big bear hug. I snuggled against his chest and sighed. I really did wish he hadn't taken it upon himself to punish Tom for what he had done to me, but that was mostly because I would never want Julian to have to live with that. He was a kind, gentle guy and violence was revolting to him, I knew what he had done would have hit him hard.

Julian said softly in my ear, "Thank you Spencer, I needed to hear that from you."

I pulled back and smiled at him, just as Derek, Sam and Neil came and took a seat around the table. Derek smiled widely at us all, his teeth were so white I wanted to shield my eyes…and then go call my dentist to get mine cleaned so they glowed like that. I felt Ashley slip her hand into my free one, my other hand was clutching Julian's.

"Hey everyone, glad you're all here. I invited Sam and Neil along so you could all thank them for their brilliance in producing this demo. Now without further ado, here's the Demo from Fear Itself!" Derek announced as he hit play on the CD player.

The opening bars of the Resolution began playing before Julian's rich voice began to flow from the speakers. I closed my eyes and felt tears rise in my eyes. It sounded better than I ever thought it could. That was my song. I'd written it during a tumultuous time in my life, the emotions were raw and Julian had done an amazing job. He sung the lyrics exactly how they should be, with a hint of desperation and anguish, which was how I felt when I wrote them. I gave Julian's hand a squeeze and whispered, "thank you for bringing my song to life."

Julian leaned over and kissed my forehead tenderly and whispered back, "Thank you for trusting me to sing your lyrics my Blonde goddess." I smiled at him and rested my head on his shoulder as I squeezed Ashley's hand to let her know I was still there with her too.

After The Resolution, By Your Side came on. I moved my head from Julian's shoulder and sat up to look over at Ashley. She had written this song for me and the words were so beautiful, so comforting, they made me feel safe as though she was always going to be there for me. I was so lucky to have Ashley, and now she was my girlfriend. I felt like I had won the lottery or something.

As the last notes of By Your Side played I leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips, rather chastely, but it had a monumental impact on the assembled people in the room. Derek hit pause on the CD player, Sam and Neil smiled at us like proud papas, Jen smirked and mouthed 'I knew it', Grey nodded his approval and smiled happily. Julian was the most entertaining.

Julian jumped to his feet and pointed at us with a look that was a mixture between amazement, shock and excitement. "What? What the hell was that? Spencer, Ashley what is going on here?" Julian demanded.

I giggled and looked over at Ashley, who grinned and nodded to tell me I could do the honours. I looked around the room and then up at Julian before beaming and announcing, "This morning I asked Ashley to be my girlfriend and she said yes! So to answer your question Jules, what's going on here is me kissing my girlfriend, is that ok with you?"

Julian squealed excitedly and pulled me to my feet so he could wrap his arms around me in a huge bear hug. I laughed and snuggled into his arms. Julian held me close and looked over at Ashley for confirmation, "Seriously? After everything you two are finally together, officially?"

Ashley nodded and stood up to extract me from Julian's arms so she could pull me into hers, she held me close and said with a grin, "Yeah we're together."

Julian clapped his hands and laughed happily while the others all voiced their congratulations. It meant so much that everyone was so happy for us.

After the excitement settled down a little we all retook our seats and listened to the remainder of the demo. The next song was I Wanna, followed by Come Down To Me then Breakeven, which was followed by Leaving and finally The Perfect Way To Meet. Each track sounded better than I had ever dreamed it could. It all felt possible now, this demo could really do things for us.

As soon as the last note had died down I kissed Ashley hard on the lips and then hugged Julian tightly before moving around the table to hug Jen and Grey before shaking hands with Derek, Sam and Neil. We all jabbered away excitedly and drank a toast to our future with the ice cold beers Derek pulled out for us.

After we had celebrated and the others had left, Julian, Grey and Jen all giving me and Ashley more congratulations and telling us how glad they were that we were together, Derek pulled us aside. I won't bore you with the very long conversation that took place but I will give you the gist of it.

Derek was concerned that having two band members in a relationship could be bad for the band if we were to break up. This lead to me assuring him in my 'serious' voice that we would be ok. Then Derek made the mistake of asking how I could know that...well then I explained exactly how I knew that. We told him everything, from our first meeting to now. He got the whole back-story, including Tom and all that drama.

By the end of it Derek's eyes were bugging out of his head and his mouth was hanging open in shock. He shook his head, as if to clear it, and looked me straight in the eye as he said, "Yeah I think you guys will be ok."

Ashley and I laughed and told him we thought so too, and then my girl kissed me lovingly on the cheek. We walked out of that office after another lengthy discussion about Tom. Derek wanted to know the whole story so he could talk to a publicist to figure out how this could affect the band should the trial and attempted rape become public knowledge. Derek's main concern was that I was going to be ok.

I know many of you might be thinking that he was just looking out of how the Tom thing could impact the band, and therefore Derek's payoff, but he wasn't. Derek was actually one of those ever elusive good guys and he was genuinely concerned for me.

I walked out of Derek's office, hand in hand with Ashley and a big grin on my face. Things were definitely looking up!

**Songs used in this chapter:**

**Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles**

**Take A Chance On Me by Abba**


	33. I'm On A High

**Love to reviewers and readers!**

**nightwish fan – Sometimes I can be nice! I swear!**

**uluvme – Yeah it only too 32 chapters but our girls are officially a couple lol. I had them do the whole bursting into song thing because I do it lol**

**LoveAsh87 – Thanks! So glad you're liking the story**

**shayer – Yeah I figured these two were due for some warm and fuzzy moments after all the drama I put them through! I think you might be right, Spencer will have to initiate sex, Ashley will wait until Spencer is 100% ready. I agree Ashley is often portrayed as cold or the bad guy (hell I've portrayed her that way!), but I like showing the deeper, softer side of her that really came through in the end of season 3 of South. Thanks for the review!**

**somthgIlike2do – Thanks, I thought it was about time they got together officially. As for Tom…well let's see what happens shall we?**

**mutt009 – Yep happiness road it is lol. Thanks, the tat came out better than I expected. I don't know if its badass but I love it!**

**Usual disclaimer, SoN not mine, Julian is though**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Three – I'm On A High**

Ashley's POV

Oh my God I was so damn happy, I was Spencer Carlin's girlfriend! That high pitched sound you are now hearing is me screaming and jumping around for joy. I was so annoyingly happy that I was bursting out into random song. For example,

"I'm on a high, I'm on a high  
there's nothing more to it.  
We are the sea and the sky  
and the blue that runs through it, yeah"

It was kinda like Spencer singing in her kitchen that morning, she was so adorable.

If I'm honest I never thought she would be the one to ask me out, I always figured after a while of quasi dating I'd ask her. I kinda like it the way it turned out, I definitely had no complaints. I felt all warm and fuzzy.

Not to mention the fact that our demo was brilliant, I could totally see something happening with it. It could be the start of something huge for our band. Things were going pretty damn good. Tom was locked up, Spencer was doing better and better (and was now my girlfriend, insert happy dance here) and the band was going to kick ass. It was all pretty amazing.

I loved her so much, so much that I felt like it would kill me. Is it possible to die from a love overdose? I didn't know how there was room in my small body for all the love I felt for my blue eyed goddess. I secretly suspected I was going to explode at some point.

It had been exactly twenty-four hours since Spencer had asked me to be her girlfriend and I think I had been smiling the entire time. After hearing the demo at Derek's office the band had all hit this little karaoke bar called Divinyl's. We had some celebrating to do, and plus it gave our band members the opportunity to tease me and Spencer mercilessly now that we were finally together. It was all in fun though.

We settled at a table near the stage, all eager to get our turn behind the microphone. Julian, particularly was so happy, he was almost back to his old self. I was so touched by the way Spencer totally got him. She understood him and comforted him in a way no one else could have.

Julian had been beating himself up for something that any person who loved someone would do. I think the only person who could let him off the hook was Spencer. He could not start to forgive himself for beating up Tom until Spencer forgave him. You could tell that the second she sat down beside him in Derek's office that she knew what had gone down. I guess when you know someone as well as Spencer knows Julian it wouldn't be hard to figure out.

I laughed as he grabbed her hand and dragged her off to the bar to help him carry back the drinks. Those two, Spencer especially, had every reason to be bitter, twisted people, but instead they were happy, kind, compassionate, giving people who didn't let the shit the world threw at them hold them back for long.

Julian and Spencer came back from the bar bearing drinks for all of us. Spencer handed me my beer and then kissed me softly in front of everyone, earning us some cheers, wolf whistles and cat calls which made Spencer blush and me giggle.

"Aw you two are so cute!" Jen gushed. I rolled my eyes and pulled Spencer down so that she was sitting on my lap.

Spencer smirked down at me and declared, "Yep, we are!" Everyone laughed at the blonde on my lap. I circled her waist with my arms and held her close. I think I was literally in heaven.

We laughed and joked around for a while, all getting pleasantly tipsy and then Julian announced that Spencer was going to be the first of us to sing Karaoke. Spencer looked horrified until Julian said this, "What? Are you too chicken to accept the challenge to sing some karaoke Spencer Carlin?"

Spencer's eyes narrowed as she glared at Julian, "Chicken this jackass!" she snapped as she got to her feet and stormed over to the guy at the side of the stage.

I looked over at Julian and grinned, "You totally knew she'd react like that didn't you?"

Julian beamed and nodded, "Hell yes, Spencer will not back down from a challenge, she's much too stubborn for that." We all laughed and cheered as Spencer took to the stage. She glared over at us and stuck out her tongue at Julian who just blew her a kiss, making her roll her eyes.

As soon as the music started playing I grinned, this would be good. Spencer strutted around the stage, very much so in the macho guy way before stepping up to the microphone.

Spencer grabbed the microphone and winked at me as she began to sing,

"When I was a young boy,  
Said put away those young boy ways  
Now that I'm gettin' older, so much older  
I love all those young boy days."

Spencer smirked at me and strutted around the stage, swinging her hips and tapping her hand against her thigh in time to the beat. It was hot!

"With a girl like you,  
With a girl like you,  
Lord knows there are things we can do, baby,  
Just me and you.  
Come on and make it

Hurt so good.  
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.  
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.  
You make it hurt so good."

Spencer jumped down off the stage and walked over to out table as the crowed bar sang with her. She ran her hand across my chest and then straddled my lap as the bar patrons cheered deafeningly.

"Don't have to be so exiting.  
Just tryin' to give myself a little bit of fun, yeah.  
You always look so invitin' (at this line Spencer leaned in and kissed the side of my neck)  
You ain't as green as you are young  
Hey baby, its you.  
Come on, girl, now, its you.  
Sink your teeth right through my bones, baby.  
Let's see what we can do.  
Come on and make it"

Spencer climbed off my lap and strutted back to the stage while the crowd went wild, cheering and singing along.

"Hurt so good.  
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.  
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.  
You make it hurt so good.

I ain't talkin' no big deals  
I ain't made no plans myself.  
I ain't talkin' no high heels  
Maybe we could walk around all day long,  
walk around all day long.

Hurt so good.  
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.  
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.  
You make it hurt so good."

As she went into the last chorus Spencer undid another button on her shirt and smirked at the cat calls and wolf whistles (most of which came from me). She swung her hips and kept the smirk on her lips as she sang.

"Hurt so good.  
Come on baby, make it hurt so good.  
Sometimes love don't feel like it should.  
You make it hurt so good."

As the song ended Spencer slid the microphone back into its stand and smirked over at Julian as she took a bow to insane applause. People were going nuts for her! Not that I blame them, but she was taken…by me!

Spencer bowed a few more times before joining us at the table. She took her place on my lap and smirked at Julian, "So who's chicken now?"

Julian held up his hands in defeat and beamed at her, "Not you beautiful, definitely not you. I guess I'd better go now huh? But you and me Carlin have a duet to do later and you know the song!"

Spencer laughed and nodded, "You're on Jules, now get your butt up there!"

Julian mimicked Spencer's strut as he took the stage, stepping up to the microphone he smiled at us and made the rock and roll symbol with his hand. We all started laughing as the music started playing, typical Julian, always the comedian.

"I'm bringing sexy back  
Them other boys don't know how to act  
I think you're special, what's behind your back?  
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack.

Take 'em to the bridge"

Julian threw back his head and began thrusting his hips in time to the music, it was freaking hilarious.

"Dirty babe  
You see the shackles  
Baby I'm your slave  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way

Take 'em to the chorus

Come here girl  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
Come to the back  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
VIP  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
Drinks on me  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
Look at those hips  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
You make me smile  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
Go ahead child  
Go ahead, be gone with it  
And get your sexy on  
Go ahead, be gone with it

Get your sexy on  
Go ahead, be gone with it

Get your sexy on"

Julian knelt on the stage and swung his torso to the beat as he bounced on his knees. He smirked at us and winked at Spencer who had tears pouring down her face she was laughing so hard. He jumped to his feet and swaggered around the stage just as he began belting out the next verse.

"I'm bringing sexy back  
Them other fuckers don't know how to act  
Come let me make up for the things you lack  
'Cause you're burning up I gotta get it fast

Take 'em to the bridge

Dirty babe  
You see the shackles  
Baby I'm your slave  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way"

Julian strutted around the stage throwing in dance moves that would have put JT himself to shame, it was awesome. We all clapped to the beat and cheered our encouragement as he sung the last line and took an exaggerated bow. The audience applauded enthusiastically as Julian jumped off the stage and reclaimed his seat.

"So Princess how was that?" He asked with an eye brow raised.

Spencer chuckled and nodded, "that was pretty fucking great Jules. I'd say you definitely brought sexy back!"

We all laughed and Jen and Grey headed to the bar for a fresh round of drinks. Spencer settled on the chair beside me and rested her head on my shoulder so she could whisper in my ear, "So what are you gonna sing Brown?"

I pretended to think for a moment and shook my head, "Nope sorry Spence, I'm not going up there!"

Spencer looked at me incredulously and shook her head, "Ashley, you sing to crowded bars _all_ the time and now you won't even sing a little karaoke? Seriously?" I nodded solemnly and Spencer just laughed as she rolled her eyes. "Fine don't sing then, we'll sing without you!" Spencer stuck out her tongue and accepted her beer from Jen.

Julian laughed at our interaction as he took a sip of his own beer, "Spence, after this guy is done butchering Bon Jovi I say we get up there and do our song, what do ya reckon?"

"I'm in Jules, let's show Ash here what's she's missing!" Spencer said with a teasing smirk sent in my direction. I just grinned and sipped my beer. Grey and Jen teased me a little as Spencer and Julian walked hand in hand up to the guy next to the speakers to tell him their song choice. I have to admit I was curious to see what they had picked, knowing those two it could have been anything.

After the guy who was singing Bon Jovi and sounding like he was murdering a pack of cats walked off the stage to polite, but unenthusiastic applause, Spencer and Julian walked up to the microphone and smirked over at us.

It was nice to see them both relaxing and having fun after everything. I couldn't have wiped the smile off my face if I'd wanted to.

Jen leaned over and gave me a gently punch in the arm, "You're one lucky woman Davies."

I beamed, "oh I know." We laughed and turned back to the stage as the music started playing. I rolled my eyes as Spencer and Julian started looking at each other with all this attitude and swagger before they started singing together,

"I make them good girls go  
I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go  
I make them good girls go  
Good girls go bad  
Good girls go bad"

Spencer stepped back a little and let Julian have the microphone. She stood behind him, eyes locked on me, swinging her hips seductively in time to the music. Julian started singing to Spencer as she moved her eye off me and looked coyly at him.

"I know your type  
You're daddy's little girl  
Just take a bite  
Let me shake up your world  
'Cause just one night couldn't be so wrong  
I'm gonna make you lose control

She was so shy  
Till I drove her wild"

Spencer strutted back up to the microphone to sing along with Julian. Both of them were smirking at each other and perfecting the act they had going on.

"I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go bad

You were hanging in the corner  
With your five best friends  
You heard that I was trouble  
But you couldn't resist  
I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go  
Good girls go bad  
bad  
bad  
bad  
Good girls go  
bad  
Good girls go"

Julian sauntered away from the microphone with a swagger in his step. He stood off to the side as Spencer smirked at him and started singing as she moved her body sensuously to the music.

"I know your type  
Boy, you're dangerous  
Yeah, you're that guy  
I'd be stupid to trust  
But just one night couldn't be so wrong  
You make me wanna lose control"

Julian joined in again, moving to stand behind her so he could sing into the microphone over her shoulder. They were beaming at one another as they moved together to the music, Julian's hands on her hips.

"She was so shy  
Till I drove her wild

I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go bad

I was hanging in the corner  
With my five best friends  
I heard that you were trouble  
But I couldn't resist  
I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go  
Good girls go bad  
bad  
Good girls go  
bad

Good girls go bad"

Spencer threw back her head, sending her long blonde hair flying around her and strutted around to stand behind Julian. He smirked as he followed her with his eyes and then grabbed the microphone out of the stand to sing the next part.

"Oh, she got away with the boys in the place  
Treat 'em like they don't stand a chance"

Julian handed the microphone to Spencer and she winked before singing,

"And he got away with the girls in the back  
Acting like it's too hot to dance"

Spencer held the microphone so they could sing together, leaning into him as he circled her shoulder with his arm.

"I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go  
The good girls go bad, yeah  
Good girls go"

Spencer spun away from Julian, still clutching the microphone and smiled teasingly at him as she swayed her hips to the beat. I just wanted to run up on stage and take her right then and there, but I thought that might get us kicked out and/or arrested so I restrained myself. Spencer looked over and winked at me before singing.

"I was hanging in the corner  
With my five best friends  
I heard that you were trouble  
But I couldn't resist"

Julian strutted over to her and they sang together for the last chorus.

"I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go bad  
I make them good girls go  
Good girls go bad  
Good girls go  
Good girls go"

The entire bar got to their feet and gave Julian and Spencer a standing ovation. Spencer blushed and she took a bow while giggling at Julian as he curtsied. Julian picked Spencer up and threw her over his shoulder, making her squeal loudly with surprise. The crowd laughed and cheered as he carried her over to our table and deposited her on my lap.

"I thought you might like your girl back Davies," Julian said with a wink.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her waist and smirked, "So you make those good girls go bad huh? Is that how you got me?"

Spencer leaned her head back on my shoulder and grinned, "Sure is Baby, you fell for my charm, not that I blame you most people do!" Everyone else laughed, and there were a few eye rolls too. I kissed her softly on the forehead, God I love her so much.

Spencer sighed in contentment and snuggled back into my arms. Julian beamed over at us like a proud papa, while Grey and Jen argued over what songs they were going to sing as they were now both pleasantly drunk and ready to hit the karaoke stage.

Grey was first to take the stage, taking his beer with him and sculling it before stepping up to the microphone. I was pretty damn exited, our usually quite drummer was not normally one to do something like karaoke but I guess the celebration mood of the night had taken over him.

Grey bobbed his head along to the music in perfect time (well he _is_ a drummer) and pulled the microphone out of the stand as he started to sing and move around the stage.

"In the car I just can't wait,  
to pick you up on our very first date  
Is it cool if I hold your hand?  
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?  
Do you like my stupid hair?  
Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?  
I'm too scared of what you think  
You make me nervous so I really can't eat

Let's go, don't wait, this night's almost over  
Honest, let's make this night last forever  
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever  
Forever and ever, let's make this last forever"

Grey rolled his eyes and smiled over at us as he continued singing while playing to the crowd. He moved around the stage pretty comfortably for a guy who was usually hidden behind a drum kit. Although I could totally get why he didn't sing in the band... I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm just saying!

"When you smile, I melt inside  
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time  
I really wish it was only me and you  
I'm jealous of everybody in the room  
Please don't look at me with those eyes  
Please don't hint that you're capable of lies  
I dread the thought of our very first kiss"

Grey sung the rest of the song with all of us belting out the lyrics with him. I have to admit I love Blink 182 and this song in particular. My other confession is that I listened to it on repeat in my car when I was on my way to Spencer's to pick her up for our official first date, which was well over a month ago now. Yep I am a colossal dork!

Once Grey had finished singing he joined us at the table and accepted a new beer from Julian.

"Grey, my man that was pretty damn good for a drummer!" Jen teased with a wink.

"Oh really? Well let's see what you have Miss Keyboarder extraordinaire!" Grey replied in a challenging tone. Jen downed the rest of her beer and bounded off to the stage after smirking at Grey and giving him the finger.

Jen strode up onto the stage and blew a kiss back to our table making us all chuckle. She walked over to the guy near the speakers and told him her song choice before making her way back to the microphone.

Spencer leaned in closer to me and whispered in my ear, her breath tickling me in the most delicious of ways, "Please sing something tonight Ash, come on we're all doing it." I looked up at her just in time to catch her pout and head tilt. Damn her! She knows I can't say no to that pout and head tilt, she was just not playing fair!

I sighed and nodded, making her clap and giggle excitedly. Julian just shook his head at me and mouthed, "Whipped!" I shrugged, he was right and there was no arguing. I was totally, 100% whipped by Spencer Carlin and I loved it.

I rolled my eyes and tightened my hold on Spencer's waist as we turned our attention back to the stage where Jen had started moving her body to the music playing through the speakers. I grinned, recognising the song and raised my beer in toast. Jen winked and started singing, Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon.

We all applauded madly as Jen took a bow and stepped down off the stage, staggering slightly in her pretty drunk state. We all exchanged high fives with the buzzed keyboardist as she retook her seat and stole Julian's beer, downing it in one go. I was impressed, Julian looked pissed off. Grey very quickly headed off to get more beers and Spencer leaned into me, placing a soft kiss below my ear and whispering, "You're up Baby."

I sighed in defeat and nodded, getting to my feet. I knew there was no getting out of this one. Julian, Grey and Jen all burst out into obnoxious applause, including rude wolf whistles and cat calls, which ended when Spencer glared at them.

I laughed to myself as I told the guy my song choice and climbed up on stage, my girl was a force to be reckoned with. I approached the microphone and said, "This is being done under duress and I am dedicating it to my girl. Spence, this is for you."

Spencer held her hand over her heart and then blew me a kiss as she smirked about getting her way. Spencer would probably always get her way with me. I would do anything to make my baby smile.

I grabbed the microphone out of the stand and started singing when the music kicked in, sending Spencer a beaming smile and a sly wink.

"You and me, we like the same kind of music  
That's why we, make a good you and me  
We got style, baby we know how to use it  
That's why we, make a good you and me"

I strutted off the stage and over to my girl. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet as I started to sing the next part.

"You know what I'm going to say before my mouth even makes a sound  
And that's why we make a good you and me"

I walked back up on stage, dragging Spencer along behind me, making sure to put a little extra sway in my hips just for her.

"You and me, we couldn't stand being normal  
That's why we, make a good you and me  
We both laugh, at the most random situations  
That's the key, baby don't you agree?"

I had her standing in the middle of the stage as I moved seductively around her, pretty much using her body a stripper pole. I ran my hand that was not holding the microphone over her body as I swayed my hips and occasionally grinded into her, much to the delight of the crowd.

"You know what I'm going to say before my mouth even makes a sound  
And that's why we make a good you and me  
I know from the sound of your breathing exactly what you are feeling  
This is why we make a good you and me  
Make a good you and me  
Make a good you and me  
You and me

Ah ah ah ah  
You and me, all we need is each other  
That's why we, make a good you and me"

I leaned in and kissed her sweetly on the cheek, making her blush and grin, before winking at her and wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her against my side. She snuggled into my willingly as I finished singing the song to her.

"You know what I'm going to say before my mouth even makes a sound  
And that's why we make a good you and me  
I know from the sound of your breathing exactly what you are feeling  
This is why we make a good you and me  
Make a good you and me  
Make a good you and me  
You and me"

I finished the song and was surprised when she leaned over and kissed me hard on the lips. I heard the crowd go wild, and could clearly distinguish Julian's voice over the din as she continued to kiss me.

Spencer pulled back, smirking and sashayed off the stage and back to our seats. I stood stunned on the stage for a moment before taking off after my girl with a grin so big I knew my cheeks were going to be sore in the morning.

After a few more songs we parted ways with our band mates and I drove her home. I kissed her sweetly at her door and left with the hugest smile on my face.

I had just gotten to my car when my phone vibrated with a text message from my blonde-haired beauty.

_Thnx for the song Brown. We do make a good you and me! Good night Beautiful, S xox_

I grinned as I sent off a quick reply,

_Ur welcome Blue, that's why we make a good u and me! Good night my Gorgeous one, A xox_

I got home and went to bed, still smiling.

-----------

**Songs used in this chapter:**

**I'm On A High by Duncan Shiek**

**Hurts So Good by John Cougar Mellancamp**

**Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake**

**Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (Ft. Leighton Meester)**

**First Date by Blink 182**

**You and Me by Plain White Ts**


	34. Damn Reality!

**Reviewers are earners of many karma points, love to you all!**

shayer – Yeah I'm all about eclectic song selection lol, I felt the need for some fun, I'd written so much drama _I_ needed a break from it! Hmm false hope...I dunno we'll see

Loveash87 – Thanks! Karaoke seemed like some fun for them

uluvme – Thank you, I have this image of Julian going all JT in my head and it just makes me laugh. I agree if you can sing then serenade your partner a lot! That's all I'm looking for lol. Hmm story coming to an end? Soon yes but we still have a few little lose ends to tie up!

mutt009 – Yep a fun chapter, no drama for a change lol. Yeah lucky I love the tat huh, seeing as I'm gonna have it forever!

WillowOn3 – Glad to have you back! Now you want Julian? Man you want the supporting cast from all my fics!

DarceLynn – you might be right I think the last time the band was all together having fun was when they met Spencer for the first time

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, Julian is though!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Four – ****Damn Reality!**

Spencer's POV

It was the day after our little karaoke bar celebration and I was still walking around with a giddy smile on my face. It had been such a fun night. A much needed fun night for all of us. I swear I had been singing 'You and Me' by the Plain White Ts the entire day, I had been so thrilled when Ashley sung that song to me.

All day at work people had been giving me strange looks, I think half assumed I'd gotten laid while the rest assumed I as drunk or high. I guess I was kind of high, high on life as cheesy and lame as that sounds. Even my counsellor, Christa, had been surprised to see how buoyant I was today when we had our appointment after work.

I had been hiding, been scared for so long and now I felt so free. I had Ashley, I had my family, I had Julian and I had my music and my band. Everything was looking up after the drama of late. Who am I kidding the drama has been going on since high school. I was hoping to enter a drama free period of my life where I could just enjoy the wonderful things I had going for me.

I trudged up my stairs as I arrived home after my counselling session. Briefcase in one hand, violin case under my arm, newspaper tucked under my chin and mail in my mouth as I searched my purse for my keys. Of course that is when my cell phone rang. Bloody typical!

I grumbled to myself as I hurriedly unlocked my door and threw everything (well everything besides my violin which was lovingly placed down on the sofa you do not throw musical instruments you heathens) onto my sofa while answering my phone as I kicked off my high heels, "Hello?"

"_Hello is this Spencer Carlin?"_ an unfamiliar female voice asked.

"Yes this is Spencer speaking, can I ask whose calling?" I asked hesitantly as I took a seat on my sofa. I didn't like it when strangers called me, it always made me nervous, or annoyed in case of telemarketers whom I usually just hung up on after pretending I couldn't speak English. Yes I am an evil person.

"_Hello Miss Carlin, my name is Felicity Crompton and I am the prosecutor on the case against Tom Brooks_," The kind female voice said down the line.

"Oh hello, how...how can I help you?" I asked timidly. I had almost forgotten there for a moment that there was still Tom to worry about. Damn reality, couldn't let me breathe for long now could you?

"_Well Miss Carlin I was hoping to make a time for us to get together so we can discuss the case. I would like to get a statement from you and ask a few questions. I also need to discuss your testimony. I know this is difficult to talk about, and probably something you just want to put behind you, but I need your help so we can get this guy locked up for as long as possible_," the prosecutor said softly and compassionately. I guess she was used to dealing with the victims of crimes like this.

I sighed down the line, God how I wished all this Tom shit was over with and I could fully move on with my life. I just wanted it all to be over. I swallowed nervously and replied, "Sure, I get it. I just want this all to be finished with so tell me what I have to do to make that happen and I'll do it."

Felicity quickly replied, "_Thank you Miss Carlin, I appreciate that. I promise not to waste your time, I want to get this all wrapped up as quickly as possible. How about you come down to my office tomorrow morning at about 10am and we can talk?_"

"Sure I'll be there, what's the address?" I asked. The prosecutor gave me directions to get to her office and we said out good byes. I got up from the sofa and put the phone back in its cradle before I settled onto one of the bar stools at my counter.

I sighed heavily and kind of stared off into space for a few minutes. I had always known that there would be a trial to convict Tom, but I guess I hadn't been consciously thinking of it until now when it was thrust into my face. Denial was kind of fun for a while.

I wanted him locked up where he couldn't hurt me or anyone else ever again. I wanted him to pay for all he cost me and all he did. Tom Brooks is an evil, disgusting excuse of a man and I wanted justice for what he did to me. He had impacted the lives of all the people who mean the most to me in the world and that is not something I could forgive. Particularly what he cost Ashley and Julian. Oh yes, Tom would pay for what he had done.

I shuddered hard at the thought of Tom Brooks before climbing to my feet and heading down the hall to my bedroom. I took a soothing shower and threw on some old ripped jeans and a white tank top before heading to my music room. I needed to get my mind off Tom and that was the place for me to do it.

I sat at the piano and began playing random notes, expressing how I was feeling through the sounds of the piano music. I felt the music build around me, rising and falling with the overwhelming emotions within me.

I played until I was sweating and exhausted. I was breathing deeply as I stepped away from the ivories and headed into my kitchen for a glass of water. I was just draining the glass thirstily when I heard a knock on my door. I put my glass on the sink and strode over to the door to open it, remembering to check the peep hole before I did.

I swung open the door to find my girlfriend smiling tenderly at me. I opened my arms and she quickly stepped into them. I held her close and let out a sigh of contentment. This is what I needed, her.

I pulled back and grinned at her, "Hey Brown."

Her smile widened, "Hey Blue, how are you?"

I led her into my apartment and closed the door. I sighed and answered, "I'm ok, you?"

"Well I'm ok too. I assume my reason for being just 'ok' is the same as your reason. Did you happen to get a phone call from a prosecutor this afternoon?" Ashley asked as she pulled me back into her arms. I relaxed into her embrace, resting my head on her shoulder and I took in her scent. Vanilla, raspberries and a hint of something that was uniquely Ashley. Bliss.

"Ah yeah I did. She was nice, sounded kind. God I just wish this was all over. I don't want any more of my life to be impacted by Tom Brooks. I think he's done enough damage, wouldn't you say?" I said tiredly.

Ashley nodded and kissed my check, "yep I'd say so, but he doesn't have to impact your life anymore Spence. All we have to do now is get him locked up and then we never have to deal with him and his shit again. It's going to be ok."

I smiled at her sweetly and nodded, "Well if you say it's going to be ok then it is. I trust ya Brown. Now how about I make us some dinner?"

Ashley beamed and leaned in to kiss me softly on the lips, "Well if your offering to cook I'd be more than happy to help you eat it." I chuckled and rolled my eyes. My girl was too adorable, of course I wouldn't tell her that, she was still under the delusion that she was a bad ass rocker chick. There was nothing bad ass about my Ashley.

I headed into the kitchen with her hot on my heels. I pulled out the necessary ingredients for a simple chicken alfredo pasta. I soon set Ashley to work, having to diligently avoid looking at her pout as she tried to insist that she should just watch and learn.

"Ash, stop whinging and start stirring!" I ordered with a little smile, one which I tried hard not to let her see.

Ashley sighed tragically and pouted as she worked. I just chuckled, she truly was adorable.

There was something kind of nice about being in the kitchen together, doing something as mundane as cooking dinner. It was comforting and filled me with a warmth from head to toe. I couldn't stop the grin from covering my lips.

"What are you smiling at beautiful?" Ashley asked as she stirred the pasta sauce.

"I was just thinking how nice this is," I murmured, pulling plates and cutlery out to set the table.

"What?" She asked with a questioning smile.

"This," I pointed back and forth between us, "This being here with you, doing something so divinely normal like cooking dinner together. It's nice, I like it."

Ashley's smiled broadened into her oh so sexy, nose-crinkling grin as she turned down the stove and walked over to pull me into her arms. I grinned lazily and draped my arms around her neck. I let her pull my body flush against hers as her hands found their rightful place on the small of my back.

"Yeah this is nice. I like being all domestic with you Blue," Ashley purred with a grin.

"Oh yeah? Then why did you bitch and moan about having to help me cook?" I teased with a perfectly arched eyebrow.

Ashley had the decency to look a little embarrassed before she said, "oops, well I guess next time I'll have to behave myself then."

"Hmm I guess you will, especially if you ever want to be fed in this house again," I said with a smirk, earning me a pout from the brunette which quickly gave way to a blinding smile before she pressed her lips against mine in a sweet kiss.

Ashley went to kiss me again but I smirked and pulled back out of her arms, "Sorry Brown, we have dinner to finish. It should be done so check the pasta and then we can dish it up."

Ashley groaned in frustration but complied. I grinned and grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge to go with dinner. I rolled my eyes at myself as I lit a couple of candles on the table and hit play on the remote for my sound system. I smiled in appreciation when The Luckiest by Ben Folds started to play.

I felt a warm pair of arms circle my waist from behind and start to sway me to the beautiful music. I leaned back against her body and shivered as she moved her lips to my ear and started singing the lyrics.

"And I know  
that I am,  
I am,  
I am the luckiest.

I love you more  
Than I have ever found a way to say  
To you."

I spun around in her embrace and kissed her gently as our bodies swayed in unison to the music still pouring from the speakers. Ashley broke our kiss to gently place her lips against my cheek and whisper, "Dinner's ready my love."

I took her hand in mine and led her to the table to find the plates she had served up for us. I beamed and kissed her hand before pouring us each a glass of wine and starting on my dinner.

I noticed Ashley watching me as I took a mouthful of the pasta. I glanced over at her and raised my eyebrow questioningly. She blushed, embarrassed and being caught staring, I loved seeing her blush. Ashley bit her lip and kept her big brown eyes locked on me and murmured, "I was just thinking how gorgeous you look tonight, how lucky I am to be here with you and how much I love you."

Now it was my turn to blush. I sent her a tender smile, the smile that only ever graces my face in her presence and reached over to hold her hand in mine. I felt happy tears in my eyes. I held her gaze and said gently, "I love you too and my God do I feel lucky to have you with me."

We held hands a little longer and then started back on our dinners, which had turned out pretty good. I winked at her and said teasingly, "You did good Brown."

Ashley beamed and shook her head, "No _we_ did good Blue, we make a good team."

I nodded, "That we do."

After dinner was finished we washed the dishes together and then snuggled up on my sofa in front of the T.V. to watch random television shows. We weren't really focused on the T.V. though, speaking for myself I was far more focussed on the brunette in my arms.

I was leaning back against the arm of the sofa with Ashley leaning back against me as she lay in between my legs. I was running my hands over her stomach, over her tank top, as she snuggled back against my chest.

"Ash what do you think the trial is going to be like?" I asked tentatively.

"I don't know Spence, but I do know that I'll be there with you every step of the way," Ashley replied in a voice full of conviction.

"I don't know if I can handle seeing him again, even in a court room where I know he can't hurt me. I'm scared if I see him I'll break down and I don't know how many times I can fall apart before I can't be put back together again," I confessed, my voice small and weak sounding in my ears.

Ashley turned around in my arms and sat back so that she was kneeling in between my legs. She grabbed my hands in hers and held them tight, "Spencer, you can do this. I know you can. You are the strongest, most incredible woman I know and I believe in you. Plus no matter how many times you fall apart I will be here to help you back together again. You are not going through any of this alone Spencer, that I promise you. I will always put you back together Blue, always."

I felt tears start to trickle down my cheeks. Ashley smiled lovingly and leaned forward to tenderly wipe the tears from my face with the pads of her thumbs. I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes. I felt her weight shift and then her warm breath hit my lips.

I kept my eyes closed and leaned forward slightly. Ashley closed the gap between us and kissed me with infinite love. I whimpered slightly in the back of my throat as she deepened the kiss and settled her body down over mine.

I moved my hands to her back, holding her to me even though I knew there was no force on this earth that would get her to move. No force except…

"Oh my God! My eyes! My poor eyes, they hurt, oh how they hurt!" Glen cried out dramatically as he slammed his hands over his eyes. Being the thoughtful brother that he is, he had just let himself, Dad, Clay and Chelsea into my apartment.

Ashley flew off me, fell backwards over the coffee table and landed heavily on her ass with an impressive thud. I scrambled off the sofa to make sure she was ok. My Dad rushed over and helped her to her feet while Clay and Chelsea giggled to themselves and Glen kept rubbing his eyes and shaking his head. I don't know what he was so freaked out for? It's not like we were naked or anything!

I turned back to Ashley and asked, "You ok Ash?"

She nodded and blushed a rather impressive shade or scarlet. She let out a self-deprecating little chuckle and shook heed, "Sure I'm fine. My ego is a little bruised but I'll survive. Oh and Glen, you ever heard of knocking?"

Glen looked nauseous as he replied, "Oh don't worry from now on I will always be knocking." Everyone started laughing and soon settled down on the sofas, Glen actively avoiding the sofa Ashley and I had been on, I even heard him muttering under his breath, "my baby sister does not have sex, my baby sister has _never_ had sex."

I chuckled and shook my head, "Uh Glen hate to break it to you…"

I was cut off when Glen clamped his hands over his ears and cried out, "Oh no I don't want to hear it! Please Spencer don't say anymore!" I nodded and he dropped his hands.

"So you guys want to tell me what you're doing here or should I assume it was purely so I could scar Glen for life?" I asked with a smirk for my big brother who groaned and shook his head.

Dad smiled and patted a muttering Glen on the back, "Well both Glen and I got a phone call from the prosecutor on Tom's case so we thought we'd come and see you. Clay and Chelsea were having dinner down stairs so we brought them with us. Sorry honey, we should have called first."

I smiled, "No it's ok. Can I get anyone a coffee or a tea?" I stood up and then pulled Ashley to her feet to make her come and help me in the kitchen.

Once we were out of ear shot I murmured, "I'm sorry Ash, are you really ok?"

Ashley chuckled, "Yeah Spence, I'm fine. My ass is a little bruised but other than that I'm 100% ok. I like your family and as much as I would love to go back to making out on the sofa, it's nice to see them. We will of course be making out extra later to make up for the interruption."

I giggled and nodded, "Ok deal!" we made the coffee and teas and then distributed them to the various members of my family scattered across the living room. I snuggled down on the sofa with Ashley next to me. My entire family was beaming at me.

"Ok so what's with the staring, you guys are starting to freak me out!" I demanded with a smile.

"We're just happy for you Honey, that's all," My Dad replied, his blue eyes twinkling as he smiled.

"Um, why?" I asked, ok it was a blonde moment. I know that now.

"Because of you and Ashley moron!" Glen said, my brother is so eloquent. I stuck my tongue out at him, yeah I'm eloquent too, and smiled around at my family.

Ashley leaned in closer to me and grasped my hand in hers. I beamed down at her and kissed her adoringly on the cheek, earning awws from the majority and a groan from Glen as he shook his head, almost as if he was in pain.

My Dad smiled proudly at both of us and nodded, almost to himself as he murmured, "Yeah, she'll do." I tilted my head and looked at him in confusion, while Ashley just looked grateful.

"Thank you Mr. C," Dad shot her a look and she blushed before correcting herself, "I mean _Arthur_, it means a lot that you approve of our relationship and I want you to know, I want all of you to know, that I am crazy in love with Spencer and will never do anything to hurt her. I promise you that."

My Dad, Glen, Clay and Chelsea all looked at one another and then back at Ashley. In unison they said, "Yeah, you'll do." Ashley beamed and I smiled at her adoringly. I couldn't believe how well my family was taking to her. The loved her almost as much as I did.

I remember when I told my Dad that we were officially together, he cheered so loud down the phone I thought my ears were going to bleed. He then insisted that we try to come to weekly family dinners, even going so far to say that even if I couldn't make it Ashley was still welcome. She almost cried when I told her that. I love my Daddy.

We chatted for a bit longer and then the subject of the trial and Tom came up again. I just wished it was all over so I could move on with my life once and for all.

"So Spence when are you going to see this Felicity woman?' Glen asked as he stuffed an entire chocolate biscuit in his mouth.

"Tomorrow at 10am. What about you, are you going in to see her?" I asked my big brother.

Glen nodded, "Yep tomorrow afternoon before I have to get back to the bar to get ready for the dinner rush. She seems like a nice lady, sounds like she really wants to get the guy." We all nodded in agreement.

"What about you Ashley? I assume as the key witness she wants to meet with you too," My Dad asked with a kind smile at my girl.

"Yeah I'm going in tomorrow about lunchtime. She seems to know a lot about the case which is comforting. I think she is going to do a good job getting Tom locked away for a long time," Ashley replied, her face twisting up in anger as she spoke about Tom.

"Yes that's the impression I got too. I wonder when the trial is going to be?" My Dad pondered. We all shrugged. I hoped for soon so I could get it over with. "Well when ever it is I have a strong feeling that Tom Brooks will be going away for a good long time, particularly given all the evidence against him." Dad said, flashing me a reassuring smile.

"Yeah that's true, with Ashley statement, Spencer's, the video footage and audio, plus the police office admitting that Tom bribed him to get the tape of the incident with Carmen and now Bill Brooks offering to help get Tom locked up, I think there is a damn good chance," Clay said.

"Yeah the prosecutor told me she interviewed Bill today actually and he provided a lot of useful information. I have to admit I was half expecting him to go back on his word and not actively help get Tom convicted. Despite everything Tom is his son. I can't imagine how hard it must be to actively participate in having your child sent to jail," Dad said with a sad shake of his head.

I sighed and rested my head on Ashley's shoulder. I didn't move from her arms for the rest of the evening, even as my family kissed us both goodbye and took their leave, I did not move. Her arms were the most comforting place I knew and I wasn't willingly moving out of them.

Once we were alone I turned to her and kissed her gently on the lips, chastely at first and then more passionately. I lay back on the soft leather and pulled her over me. Ashley rested on her hands above me, her lips moving from mine to taste my neck. I tilted my head to the side to give her room to work and moaned softly.

I needed to feel her with me, needed the intimacy. As always Ashley instinctively knew what it was I needed and was giving it to me. She did not push anything beyond what I could cope with. She just kissed me and held me in her arms. She was tender, compassionate and loving.

I was so damn lucky she was mine.


	35. Gotta Be Starting Something

**Ok reviewers are collecting massive karma points, thank you.**

shayer – Glad to bring out the inner softie lol. I have been lucky enough never to be caught making out by my family, here's hoping that never happens! You're right the trial is not going to be easy on Spencer, but she has Ashley so that just might help! I agree there is something very sensual about cooking with someone, domestic intimacy!

uluvme – Yeah they are all domesticated, and Ashley is a big mushy, adorable goofball. Oh don't worry, I want me an Ashley Davies too!

mutt009 – Yep reality has to come back into play at some point, we still have Tom to deal with.

LoveAsh87 & Harley Quinn Davidson – Thanks!

pdsc325 – I love that song, great choice! I can see why it reminds you of the story. Thanks

**Usual Disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Five – ****Gotta Be Starting Something**

Ashley's POV

I slid on my sunglasses as I walked out of the prosecutor's office. I had been in there for almost two hours answering questions and retelling my side of what happened over and over. It had been trying to say the least. The prosecutor, Felicity, seemed like a damn good lawyer though. She was prepared for so many different contingencies or possibilities I was in awe and kind of intimidated.

I wanted this to all be over for Spencer. I hated seeing the impact this had on her. Tom Brooks had already demolished enough of her life, I couldn't stand seeing her still hurting over what he did to her. I only ever wanted to see her smile, especially considering how much she made me smile.

I strode over to my Porsche and had to smirk when I saw my girl leaning up against the driver's side door in a relaxed, carefree pose. She was wearing tailored black plants, a long sleeve dusty blue shirt and black high heeled pumps. She slid her sunglasses up onto her head as I approached and flashed me a dazzling smile that made her blue eyes twinkle as the sun cast a golden halo around her head. My angel.

I stepped closer to her. Placing an arm on either side of her hips I effectively trapped her against the side of my car. Spencer smirked down at me and tilted her head in the way that always makes my heart melt. I leant forward and pressed my body against hers, making her breathing hitch, before moving in to capture her lips in a heated kiss.

Spencer moaned into my mouth as her hands snaked their way around my neck. I held her waist in my hands and deepened the kiss. Her kisses were intoxicating. I smiled into her lips as I realised that not only was I making out with the hot blonde I was desperately in love with, but I was doing it in the middle of a crowded street with people all around us.

It felt good that she wasn't ashamed to kiss me or show affection publicly. After everything we had been though, everything _she_ had been through, the fact that she could kiss me like this was all the more incredible.

I pulled back from her breathlessly and rested my forehead against hers. I grinned and murmured breathily, "Hey."

Her smiled widened and she repeated, "Hey."

I leaned in and kissed her nose before stepping back to stand next to her against my car. I took her hand in mine and lightly stroked the smooth skin over her knuckles with my thumb. "So how did your appointment with Felicity go this morning?" I asked her curiously. I had a feeling it had been a tough one for her.

Spencer shrugged and sighed heavily, "It wasn't the most pleasant morning I've ever had, but she was very professional and compassionate. She let me go at my own pace and never pushed. Her questions were worded carefully and I really felt like she cared about my wellbeing. I think she is exactly the right person for this case."

I nodded my agreement and looped my arm over her shoulders, "yeah I got the shame impression of her. She told me she has prosecuted a lot of cases like this one before. It sounds like she prosecutes a lot of crimes against women. How long were you in there for?"

"Um almost two hours I think, then I headed off to work to endure another few hours being tortured by freshmen violinists. Some of them are so bad I have no idea how they got passed the auditions in the first place. After that I decided to forgo my paper work for the day and meet you here. Hence why you found me leaning against your car all dolled up in my work clothes," Spencer explained with a little chuckle.

"Ah ha, so that's why you look all hot and corporate!" I teased with a smirk.

Spencer giggled, "You think this is hot?" I nodded enthusiastically and grinned. Spencer rolled her eyes and stepped away from the car, "Well ok then horn dog now I know about your corporate fetish I might have to visit you after work more often!"

I laughed and pulled her close, "That sounds pretty damn good to me!" Spencer pecked me on the lips before slipping out of my arms. I groaned in protest making her laugh.

"Now, now horn dog, how about you take me for a late lunch/early dinner before we head over to band practice? I'm starving!" Spencer asked with a smirk.

I winked and walked around to open the passenger side door for her, "That I can do." I helped her into the car and shut the door carefully behind her before walking around and climbing into the driver's side. I started the car and switched on the radio for background noise.

"Where do you want to eat my lovely?" I asked as I pulled out of the parking lot.

Spencer tilted her head to the side as she thought about it, "Hmm how about we head to that great little burger place near the pier? I love their fries!"

I chuckled at her child-like enthusiasm and nodded, "Sounds perfect Blue." Spencer beamed at me and reached over the place her hand on my thigh. I swallowed hard and glanced at the blonde out of the corner of my eye, wondering if she had any idea what she did to me. If the innocent, relaxed look on her face was anything to go by, she had no fucking clue.

I parked the car in an empty space and jumped out so I could open her door for her. My father had always told me that even though I was a girl dating girls, I still had to be a gentleman.

Once Spencer was out of the car I stole a quick kiss from her lips and then linked our hands as I led her inside the quirky little burger place. It was a favourite hangout of Spencer's and one I was happy to be introduced to. They really did make the best burgers and fries ever.

Once we were seated in a bright, shiny red booth and our orders had been taken, Spencer sighed tiredly and reached over to grasp my hand in hers. I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed the soft skin over her knuckles. I smiled over at her and murmured, "Are you sure you're alright?"

Spencer smiled wearily and nodded, "Yeah, it was just hard to talk about it all again. I want to put this all behind me and being in that office this morning, dragging it all to the surface has made me feel like I've taken some steps back."

I squeezed her hand and smiled sympathetically, "Spencer don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through something huge, the impacts of everything that has happened with probably last a long time. I don't say that to scare you or upset you, I say that because it's true. You are a strong, resilient woman and have coped remarkably well in the face of things that would have made others crumble so I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

She grinned and tilted her head at me, her big blue eyes sparkling beautifully, "You're already helping me. You help me by just being here and being you. I want you to know though that I have come too far to fall apart again. The minute I walked out of the prosecutor's office this morning I called Christa, my counsellor, and talked to her at length. I'm also going in to see her before work tomorrow."

I flashed her a look of pure pride. She was remarkable. "That's good Spencer, it takes strength to admit when you need a bit of help," I murmured as I gazed into her ocean blue eyes. Ocean blue is my favourite colour, just so you know.

Spencer blushed cutely and bit her lip coyly before replying, "Thank you Brown."

Soon after our burgers and fries were brought out we dug in, both not realising how hungry we were until the mouth watering burgers were placed in front of us. We made small talk over dinner with Spencer regaling me with stories about the crazy violin master she worked with. That guy took neurotic to a whole other level!

Once we were finished eating we fought over who got to pay the bill, Spencer won for the record, she brought out the puppy dog eyes and pout with her gorgeous head tilt. I was powerless against her. She was far too aware of the power she has over me. I am so totally the definition of whipped and it would be embarrassing if I didn't love her so much.

After the bill was paid I led her out to the car, yes holding door open for her and helping her into the car (which was just an excuse to hold her hand), and we drove to Julian's for band practice. We had a gig this week at Pella and needed to get some practice in.

Spencer took control of my radio the second the car started and soon she had us singing along to some old school music. I have to say listening to my girl harmonise along to Ella Fitzgerald was an amazing experience. Spencer Carlin was a goddess.

I parked in front of Julian's and spontaneously leaned across to kiss her sweetly on the lips. It was an impulse I think she was 100% fine with, given the fact she quickly deepened the kiss and half pulled me onto her lap so that I was pretty much straddling her.

I think things may have gotten out of control had Julian not come out side and blasted an air horn which made me jump and whack my head on the windshield. Bastard, I was so going to kick his ass. Spencer just laughed and slid out from under me to climb out of the car. She grabbed her bass and violin out of the backseat where she has stowed them earlier and strode up the path.

"Jules you're evil, if you're not careful Ash is going to kill you one of these days," She chastised as she walked past him into the house. Julian just grinned at her and smirked over at me. I glared as I grabbed my Gibson guitar and followed my blonde. As I passed Julian I smiled innocently and then turned around to kick him firmly in the ass.

Julian just laughed and followed us in. We walked in and greeted Jen and Grey who were already inside. It seemed like every time Spencer and I came to band practice together we were late. Oops!

Spencer carried her instruments over to the amps and started setting up. I couldn't tear my eyes off her. She turned around and caught me staring, which just made her smirk and roll her eyes. Spencer rested her hand on Julian's arm and smiled, "Ok guys give me a minute to change out of these clothes and we'll get underway."

I pouted at her, which made her smirk at me again. Spencer stepped closer to me as she started to leave the room to change. She leaned into me as she passed and purred huskily, "Don't pout Brown, I promise you'll get to see me in my work clothes again very soon." I chuckled as she winked and sauntered out of the room with a swing in her hips.

I walked over to the others and caught them all smirking at me. "What?" I asked on seeing their expressions. Everyone laughed and shook their heads. I frowned at them and asked again, "What?"

They all glanced at each other and Jen stepped forward to pat me on the arm, "You are so whipped Ashley, its sweet." I rolled my eyes and they all laughed. I glared for a moment and then joined in. They were so right!

"What are you laughing at Davies you know its true!" I turned around to find Spencer smirking at me from the door way. Her work clothes had been exchanged for a pair of ripped skinny grey jeans and a midnight blue tank top with matching blue Converses. He long blonde hair was up in a messy ponytail and she had a blue scarf holding her hair back from her face. Damn she was hot.

I smiled at her and nodded, "Yep it is and I so don't care. I like being whipped." I arched my eye brow seductively.

Spence chuckled and shook her head, "We'll talk about the kinky stuff later, now its time for band practice!" Everyone laughed and we all moved to pick up our instruments. I glanced over at Spencer and found her with an adorable look on concentration on her face as she warmed up on her bass. I think she felt me looking because she glanced up and winked at me before turning back to her beloved Fender and continuing her warm up.

After we were all ready to play, Julian stepped up to the microphone and counted us in. we ran through the set list for our upcoming gig, playing I Wanna twice because Spencer wanted to try the vocals again (even though in my opinion she was perfect the first time round).

We were just finishing up the last song, our encore song, when Derek came in with a 'cat-that-ate-the-canary' grin and took a seat on one of the mismatched sofas. We finished up the last song and all placed out instruments in their respective stands before joining Derek on the sofas. Spencer of course was practically in my lap, her rightful place if you ask me.

"So Derek what brings you by? We weren't expecting you til tomorrow," Jen asked with a warm smile.

Derek beamed one of his super white, blinding smiles and said, "Well I had some good news and thought I'd come and share it with you in person."

We all sat forward in anticipation, Spencer gripping my hand tightly. "Ok what's the news?" Julian asked with nervous excitement.

"Well you know how I sent your demo to a few record labels?" We all nodded, suspense starting to get to us just a tad. "Well we have had a pretty damn good response, and much quicker than we ever expected. I wanted to bring this offer to you and see what you guys thought." Derek paused dramatically and I wanted to shake him to get him to spill before I exploded or Spencer broke my hand (that's how tight she was squeezing it).

I think the others were getting as impatient as me because even our stoic drummer turned to Derek and said, "Would you please just tell us? You're killing us here!"

Derek smiled apologetically, "Sorry Grey. Well I have excellent news. Have you heard of Island Records?"

I nodded my head enthusiastically and Spencer practically bounced in her seat beside me, "Oh hell yes, they produce Fall Out Boy! Oh my God and Sum 41, oh, oh and The Killers!" Spencer shrieked.

Derek chuckled, "You would be right there Spencer, they do and now they want to offer you guys a record deal."

There was dead silence in the room for a moment before we all started shouting and squealing while laughing and clapping excitedly. Spencer launched herself into my arms so that her knees were either side of my thighs and she was straddling me, Grey started shaking Derek's hand and Julian was spinning Jen around as she shrieked in excitement.

Spencer kissed me hard on the lips before giggling happily, "We got a record deal!"

I smirked up at her, "Yeah we got a record deal Blue!" Spencer squealed again and wrapped her arms around me tightly before jumping up and pulling Julian and Jen into a three way hug. I climbed to my feet and hugged Grey hard.

"Well congratulations you guys, how about I give you some details?" Derek interjected with a huge grin. We all nodded and retook our seats, this time Spencer was totally in my lap. I wrapped my arms securely around her waist and used my index finger to trace the vine tattoo on the back of her neck while I looked expectantly at Derek. Spencer leaned back against me and practically purred as my finger moved over the smooth skin of her neck and back.

"Well they want to meet with you all tomorrow to go over contracts and what not and then they want to get you in the studio to start working on your first single and an album. They are so keen to get this made and get your music out there. What they're offering is amazing," Derek explained with a huge excited smile.

"This is incredible! I can't believe it," Julian exclaimed. He was looking around at us all like it was his birthday and we'd just brought him a puppy or something. It was adorable.

"Well believe it, this is happening. You guys are talented and your music is beyond amazing. This is it guys, this is the start of big things for Fear Itself!" Derek announced with a proud papa look on his face.

I felt Spencer lean back into me more and tightened my hold on her, stroking her stomach lightly through her tank top. This was literally a dream come true and it was even better because I got to experience it with my girl in my arms. I kissed her gently on the cheek and grinned so wide I thought my face would split in two.

It was cool how the day had gone from being completely emotionally draining and overwhelming at the prosecutor's office to transcendently wonderful now. We had been offered a record deal! I had not expected it to happen so quickly.

Derek looked around at all of us and said, "I just wanted to say what an honour it is to get to be a part of this journey with you all. I have been representing artists for years and you guys are beyond comparison. I am proud of you and can't wait to see your album go platinum!"

I laughed and said, "I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself Derek, we haven't even signed with the label yet!"

"It's never too early to start planning for the future! And let me tell you, you guys have a bloody bright one ahead of you," Derek announced sincerely. He was a damn good guy and a brilliant manager. We were so lucky he decided to take a chance on us.

Spencer smiled sweetly at him and must have read my mind because she said, "Derek we are so lucky that you decided to take a chance on us, truly we are so grateful to you for all you have done for us. We kinda love you Derek!"

"I agree with the hot blonde!" I announced, earning me a playful slap on the arm from Spencer and chuckles from the others.

Derek smiled gratefully, "thank you Spencer and Ashley that's too kind. I'm the lucky one here, lucky I got to you guys before some other bastard beat me to it. Maybe it was fate?"

"Maybe, all we know is we're lucky to have you," Julian said as he walked over to the bar fridge and started pulling out some cold beers for us. He passed them around until everyone had a cold one and then raised his own bottle in toast, "here's to friendship, Fear Itself and the power of music!"

We all clinked our bottles together and drank deeply from the beers. A few more toasts were made before Derek had to leave and left us to celebrate together after making us promise to meet him at Island Records the next day to meet the producers and label president.

As soon as the door closed behind Derek I put down my beer and stood up, lifting Spencer into my arms as I went. She squealed in surprise and wrapped her legs around my waist as I started to dance around the room with her in my arms. Julian reached over and plucked her from me before taking off across the room with my giggling girlfriend thrown over his shoulder and held securely in his strong arms.

"Hey! Get your own blonde!" I bellowed as I ran after them.

"Well technically she was my friend long before she met you Davies, so maybe you should get your own blonde," Julian teased with a huge smirk.

"He's got a point there Ash," Spencer supplied from his arms. I gasped and clutched at my heart playfully, like she'd hurt me. Spencer giggled and squirmed out of his arms to race over and leap into mine. I caught her laughing and spun her around.

Grey and Jen headed over to the sound system and soon the sounds of Kool and the Gang's Celebration could be heard through out the practice space. I looked at them incredulously, both of them shrugging in unison.

We all started laughing and then grooving to the music as excitement took control. We were one step closer to realising our dreams. Our band was one step closer to making it! I knew this was exactly what my girl needed right now, with all the stress of the upcoming trial Spencer needed her music to help take her away from all that. And frankly so did I.

I had my girl, my band, my sister and a record deal, plus it was looking like the bane of my existence, Tom Brooks, was going to get what was coming to him.

Life was fucking good.


	36. Island Records

**Thanks reviewers!**

mutt009 - Hehe thanks! All is looking up huh? Glad I got your heart doing happy dances!

norar & LoveAsh87, Ugtabkdnm3 – Thanks! That's really sweet

bethers85 – Aw thanks. Spashley lovin soon? Hmmm we'll see

shayer – Relationship to the next level huh? I wonder what level you're referring to hehe. Thanks, that kiss was a big step for Spencer. Yeah I plan to avoid getting caught...by anyone lol

somthgIlike2do – The band is on the rise! Spencer is getting a little frisky isn't she, hmm I wonder what I could write to help with that?

uluvme – It was a wholesome chapter wasn't it? Lol Thanks!

**As some of you may remember several chapters back I asked for your input to figure out what would be the first single for Fear Itself, the results of that little poll are in this chapter. Thanks to all who put forward ideas!**

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine, I'm all cut up about it too!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-****Six – Island Records**

Spencer's POV

I ran a hand through my long, straight blonde hair and adjusted my black shirt while I followed Julian into the huge, intimidating building that housed Island records. Today was the day we met with the label to see if this whole record deal was going to work out. I was so nervous I had butterflies in my stomach the size of pelicans, no lie.

I had caught a ride to the meeting with Jules so I could spend some one on one time with him. We needed our best friend time and I felt like I had been neglecting him a little since I had been so wrapped up in Ashley and all my shit.

I was crazy about her, but I didn't want to be one of those girls who dropped all their friends when they got into a relationship. Julian was my best friend and I was not going to lose sight of that, and not to mention the fact that after all the shit he went through with Tom he needed a little TLC. So after my counselling appointment with Christa we had gone out for brunch and then did a little shopping (I brought three new pairs of Converses which I was very happy about), before heading to the label.

I looped my arm through his as we walked up to the receptionist, "Hi I'm Julian and this is Spencer and we're from Fear Itself. We uh have a meeting with Mr. Flint," Julian said nervously as he shuffled his feet.

The receptionist (who looked like a freaking super model by the way) smiled kindly at us and replied, "Of course, your manager is already here so if you just go down that hall and into the first door on your right Mr. Flint will be right with you."

We smiled gratefully and headed down the hallway she pointed to. The walls were adorned with photos of all the bands signed to the label. It was pretty awesome to walk the halls that bands I loved and admired had traipsed along.

We entered the meeting room and found a grinning Derek waiting for us. He jumped up and walked over to shake our hands almost too enthusiastically. I wonder if he realises we need those hands to play our instruments?

"Hey Spencer, Julian. Glad you're both here, take a seat and we'll wait for the others to arrive. You guys excited?" Derek said jovially.

We sat down and I look over at Julian so he could answer, "Nervous, excited, overwhelmed, scared. You name it I probably feel it!" Derek and I chuckled, me anxiously.

"Spencer what about you, you excited?" Derek asked with a reassuring smile. He really was a beautiful man, if I swung that way I think I might have had a little crush on him. As it stood I was dying to ask him what skin care products he used. I also wondered what store he brought his ties in, because they were always great and I felt the need for a few more ties.

I was saved having to respond to Derek's question when Grey walked in followed by Jen and then my Ashley. I beamed when I saw my gorgeous girlfriend, a beam which was countered with a nose-crinkling grin of her own when she caught my eyes. Ashley sashayed over to me and dropped a sweet kiss on my lips before greeting the others.

"Hey Jules, hi Derek, are you guys excited?" Ashley asked as she sat down in the empty seat beside me. A seat that was deliberately left empty just for her cute little ass to sit in.

Derek flashed her his million dollar smile and nodded, "I am definitely excited. This is a great day for you guys and I am so proud of you!"

We all smiled back at him and settled more comfortably in the seats around the huge mahogany table that took up most of the room. I slipped my hand into Ashley's and gave hers a squeeze. She grinned over and me and raised out joined hands so she could plant a kiss on mine.

I gazed into her eyes and felt the stress and anxiety I was feeling melt away. She was beside me and with her there I knew that everything was going to be ok. I glanced up and found all the others looking at us with happy grins on their faces. I blushed and ducked my head as the all laughed and started chatting amongst themselves.

"So how was your morning beautiful?" Ashley asked with another nose-crinkling grin. God that smile! It just makes me melt!

"It was good. I went and saw Christa this morning and she made me feel better about everything that happened with the prosecutor. It helped to get it all out, you know. Then Julian took me to brunch at Delissio's which was great, even though I ate _way_ too much. Oh and then I made him come Converse shopping with me!" I explained with a grin.

Ashley looked at me with amusement and nodded, "Ah I see, lucky Julian, and how many pairs did you buy this time?"

I blushed a little and said hesitantly, "Um one?"

"How about you try that again and tell me the truth this time?" she asked with a smirk on her lips and a perfectly arched eyebrow.

I blushed harder and bit my lower lip before answering reluctantly, "Ok so three, but one pair was half price and then one was purple check and they were too cool to refuse!"

Ashley chuckled and rolled her eyes, "Ok and how many pairs do you own now?"

"Um…are we talking just high tops or in total?" I asked, making her crack up. What that was a legitimate question?

"Spencer you are a nut. You're so lucky I love you," She teased with a smirk.

I let my expression become serious and said softly, "I know I am." She blushed a little and leaned in to place a tender, chaste kiss on my lips. She pulled back slightly so that we could look into each other's eyes. Her pools of molten chocolate held my ocean blue ones, our looks expressing everything we were feeling in that moment. I smiled adoringly at her and was about to lean in and capture her lips again when the door opened and a tall man with steel grey hair strode in.

Derek jumped to his feet and reached out to shake the man's hand. "Mr. Flint, thanks so much for meeting with us. Let me introduce you to the band."

We all stood up and I took the opportunity to get a good look at the man who could make or break our music career. He looked to be in his late forties or early fifties. His hair was shaggy in that 'I don't want you to think I style my hair but really I spend hours on it' way and he had warm brown eyes. He stood at well over 6 feet and had a solid but toned build. He was wearing dark blue jeans, a black shirt and a brown leather jacket.

I reached out and took his offered hand when he reached me in his introductions. "Mr. Flint this is our bassist, violinist and one of our song writers Spencer Carlin. Spencer this is Mr. Flint," Derek introduced.

I shook his hand and smiled at him, "It's truly a pleasure to meet you Mr. Flint."

"You too Spencer, I am a big fan. I actually saw you perform with the LACA Orchestra a few times, although I think the life of a rock star suits you far more than that of a classical violinist. You are very talented and your songs are great. I especially loved Breakeven and I Wanna from your demo, I believe you were the song writer behind those songs?" Mr. Flint asked in a kind voice.

"For Breakeven yes, I Wanna was co-written with Julian," I corrected him with a grin.

Derek was beaming at me like a proud papa when he added, "Spencer is also the inspiration behind the band's name." Derek really loved the story behind the band name, I think he just wanted people to think that there really was a rocker underneath the blonde hair and blue eyes, hence a story that reveals one of my tattoos.

Mr. Flint looked intrigued as he turned back to me, "Really? It's a great name, I'd love to hear the story behind it."

I nodded, "Of course, well it's actually taken from one of my tattoos. My father has always said to me that the only thing to fear was fear itself. So I got Fear Itself tattooed on my right hip as a constant reminder of that. Now I was at my first ever band practice, I wasn't even really in the band yet, and I was lying on the sofa, Ashley caught sight of my tattoo and read it out loud. Pretty soon it was unanimously agreed that it would be the name for the band." I looked over at my girl, who smiled warmly at me and winked.

"That's a great story and a very marketable one. Thank you Spencer. Oh and you said one of your tattoos, you have others?" Mr. Flint said with a huge smile that rivalled Derek's in its whiteness.

I grinned and nodded, "I have one other," I turned around and pulled down the collar of my black shirt to display the ink on the back of my neck. I pulled my shirt back up and turned around to face him.

"That's a great one, I like the vine design. I've always wanted one but my partner isn't keen on them sadly," Mr. Flint said with a grin.

"Yeah I got mine when I was younger and my mother wasn't too happy, but wasn't much she could do once I got them." Everyone laughed and Mr. Flint gave my shoulder a squeeze before moving on.

Derek finished the introductions and we all retook our seats around the table.

"So I guess you're all eager to find out what we're offering you?" Mr. Flint asked with a beaming smile. We all nodded and waited silently for him to continue. "Well we want to do an album and get you touring. We'd like to start work on the album right away and have a single ready to launch soon, as in within a month," He said with excitement colouring his voice.

I turned to look at Ashley and found her grinning back at me. This was amazing and made even more so by the fact that I was sharing it with her. I squeezed her hand and smiled over at Julian who was practically bouncing in his seat.

"We would like to offer you a two record deal with an option to extend. We loved your demo, it was one of the best we've ever heard, definitely the best I've heard in a few years. You guys have a unique sound, not many bands change up the lead singer the way you do, it gives your songs fresh and unique sounds. If you are happy with what we're offering then we'll get everything going this week," Mr. Flint announced. I was in shock I think, this was all like a dream come true and I was scared I was about to wake up.

"Wow, Mr. Flint this is beyond amazing. I mean the fact that you have so much faith in us as a band is really touching, gosh I'm actually at a loss for words...I don't think that has ever happened before!" Julian said with a chuckle.

"It's true, usually we have trouble getting Julian to shut up!" Ashley quipped, earning a laugh from everyone in the room.

"So I guess that brings us to the big question, are you guys interested?" Mr. Flint asked with a grin.

We all looked around at each other, each with a tentative smile of elation on our faces. This was it, as if we weren't all dying to take Mr. Flint up on his offer? I looked over at Ashley and found her smiling tenderly at me, the smile that I had only ever seen her bestow on me...and her guitar if I'm being truthful, but I wasn't jealous because my Fender bass got the same love from me.

We all looked at Derek and nodded. He winked at us and turned back to Mr. Flint, "Well I think your offer is more than generous and Fear Itself would be thrilled to sign with Island Records!"

Mr. Flint's face spilt into a dazzling grin and he glanced at each of us in turn, "Well that is amazing! I think this is going to be a wonderful partnership. I have a contract for you guys, I want you to take tonight and think about it, get a lawyer to go over the contract and then if you're happy we can get you all in the studio this week."

I glanced around at the others and said, "I don't think we need to do that, I think we can all safely say we are more than eager to sign this deal."

Mr. Flint chuckled, "Well that's great, but I want to do this the right way so Derek can fax through the signed contract tomorrow, at least then I can sleep at night knowing I did the right thing by you and gave you time to think about it and make the best possible choice for you and your band."

I looked around at the others and I think it was safe to say we were all sharing the same thought, this guy was not going to screw us over. He seemed to genuinely care about us and our music. Julian winked over at me and then said for all of us, "Ok we'll do that, but you can expect a signed contract tomorrow. Thank you so much Mr. Flint for giving us this opportunity!"

"That's more than alright Julian, thank you for considering us. I know you guys have had offers from a few labels and it is great you decided to meet with us. Your band has just the right sound for our label while still being unique, plus you guys are all extremely marketable," Mr. Flint said kindly.

"Thank you, wow this is so exciting! I wonder what it will feel like to hear our song on the radio?" Jen asked with a huge smile.

"On the topic of your first single I was hoping to get your input as to what song you would like to release first? The album will have about 14 tracks on it, possibly with a few bonus tracks including a cover I was thinking, but I would like one of the songs from your demo as your first single. They are brilliant songs though so I would like to hear what you guys think because I can't decide which would be best to get out there first," Mr. Flint said with a chuckle.

We all looked around at each other, deep in thought. This was a huge decision. The first single would help people see what we were all about as a band. It was important we made the right first impression. I looked over at Jen when she started to speak, "I vote for either I Wanna or Come Down to Me. I think they're both really powerful songs and I love the violin and cello in Come Down to Me."

"Hmm I was going to say The Resolution or Breakeven, but it's hard to choose," Grey added.

Julian looked over at me and grinned, "Well I vote for Breakeven. That song is so full of emotion and I think people will relate to it a lot." I smiled back and glanced at Ashley who had her brow all wrinkled in confusion.

"Well I was thinking it should be Breakeven or I Wanna. Breakeven might be a more powerful song to put out their as our first single, one that will make people pay attention to us. Plus I think once you've seen Spencer perform it you can't deny the magic of that song," Ashley said softly. I looked over at her and found her grinning tenderly at me, her big brown eyes twinkling.

I blushed hard and looked down at the table. She was too good to me. I felt all eyes on me and looked up questioningly. Derek chuckled and said, "Spencer what do you think?"

I shrugged and looked down at my hands, "I have no idea, I like Come Down To Me."

Julian rolled his eyes good naturedly and said with a laugh, "of course you do, it's written about you!" I blushed a rather spectacular red as the band and Derek laughed.

Mr. Flint looked thoughtful, "It is?"

Derek nodded and said with a grin, "Yeah Ashley here wrote that song about Spencer."

Mr. Flint smiled kindly and looked over at us, "That's sweet, I wish my partner Collin would do something sweet like that for me!" Ok wow, he's gay? Did not see that coming.

I looked over at Ashley and found her beaming at me. I leaned into her side and she wrapped an arm around my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze. Mr. Flint smiled warmly at us before looking around the group and saying, "Well I say we go with majority rules and that means Breakeven is the song we will release as your first single. I'd like I Wanna to be the second. So Spencer how does it feel to know a song you wrote and that you are the lead singer on is going to be listened to by millions of people all over the world?"

I looked at him completely speechless. I was still in shock I think. I felt Ashley lean into me. Her warm breath hit my ear, making me shiver, as she murmured, "This is real my Rock Star, this is happening. I love you and I am so proud of you."

I turned my face so that I could look at her and the beaming smile on her face made my heart race. I started to smile and then a little giggle broke through. The rest of the room was grinning at me, waiting for my response.

I giggled again and flashed them all a beaming grin, "Well I'd say that is so incredible someone might have to pinch me…OUCH! Julian I was kidding!" I said with a mock glare as Julian smirked at me and retracted the hand that had just pinched the sensitive skin on the back of my arm.

"Julian you're such a bully!" Jen said with a chuckle. Julian just shrugged and smirked at me again.

Ashley stealthily leaned over and pinched him hard on the back of the neck, making him jump and grab at the irritated skin with a loud, "OUCH, shit Ash what was that for?"

Ashley shrugged and deadpanned, "Well I thought that would be obvious, you pinch my girlfriend I pinch you." she kept up her straight face for another five seconds and then she burst out laughing, followed by everyone else including Julian who shrugged again.

"You guys are all great together, marketing you all is going to be an easy task. I am actually off to see a publicist we work with after this meeting to get some ideas of how to market the band. The relationship between Spencer and Ashley is obviously a very marketable one, bassist/song writer joins the band and steals the heart of the rocker princess lead guitarist. But I will not be utilising that marketing ploy," Mr. Flint declared.

We all looked at him in confusion, me with a little relief. I felt certain that the price of fame was going to be my relationship with Ashley used to promote us, which was something I never wanted. Our relationship was the best thing in my life and I wanted to keep as much of it private as possible. That not to say I will ever hide my relationship. I have hidden long enough, but I hated the idea of our love being used to sell records.

Mr. Flint chuckled at the looks we were giving him and continued, "The love between two people should never be used as a marketable commodity. The music of your band, and the fact that you are all young and good looking with vibrant personalities, will be what sells this band. I do have to ask though, do you want your relationship hidden or just not overtly broadcast?"

I looked over at Ashley and she just smiled adorably at me, telling me that it was my call, she would go with whatever I was comfortable with. I looked back over at Mr. Flint and replied, "Well I will never deny my relationship, but I also want this band to be known for more than the lesbian relationship between the guitarist and bassist. Let's not hide it, but not scream it from the rooftops either." I looked over at Ashley and she nodded her approval.

Mr. Flint grinned paternally at us, "you two remind me of me and my partner. Collin and I have been together almost thirty years now. Actually he is the publicist I will be meeting with after this so I promise you will be in safe, _understanding_, hands. Really you two are just too cute together!" We all chuckled and I blushed a little.

We all chatted a little more about songs for the album, suggesting other songs we'd already written and planning times to start writing some more. I had a heap of songs I could contribute and I was excited to get into the studio and get working.

As we were getting ready to leave Mr. Flint asked me, Ashley and Derek to hang back for a moment. We said our goodbyes to Julian, Jen and Grey, me telling Jules I'd grab a lift home with Ashley, just so long as he remembered to bring my new Converses to the band, family and friends night we had a Pella later. It was our little informal celebration about the record deal.

Once the room had clear, but for Mr. Flint, Derek, Ashley and myself, we all sat down again and I clutched Ashley's hand in mine. I had a feeling I knew what this was about.

Mr. Flint smiled reassuringly at me and began to speak softly, "Spencer I know none of this is going to be easy to talk about, but I was wondering if we could discuss, briefly, the upcoming court case. I know this is a sensitive subject and I want to determine the best way for us to support you through this."

I swallowed hard, I had privately asked Derek to let any interested labels know about the looming court case, I figured they should know in case it ends up as front page news. I smiled tiredly at the older man and said quietly, "Well as I'm sure Derek told you, my ex boyfriend attacked me and has now been arrested. The prosecutor is building a case and it will be going to trial shortly I believe."

Mr. Flint nodded and said gently, "are you ok Spencer?"

I smiled at his obviously genuine concern, "I have my good and bad days, Ashley and music are what are keeping me going at the moment." I glanced over at her and saw her eyes shining with unshed tears. I lightly stroked the back of her hand with my thumb before turning back to face the men.

"Well that's to be expected, we are going to do whatever we can to help you through this. I have spoken to Collin and he will work to keep it out of the press as much as he can and he is also developing some contingencies should it get out. We want to spare you the pain of having this sprayed across the media," Mr. Flint explained.

We talked for a bit longer and as I walked hand in hand with Ashley to her Porsche I felt good. I really had people on my side, people who were fighting for me. How fucking lucky was I?


	37. Celebrate Good Times

**Thanks readers and reviewers**

LoveAsh87, ebonyedlove , Harley Quinn Davidson – Thanks heaps!

Ugtabkdnm3 – Yeah Spencer is one lucky duck! Tom is not a well liked character, not that I am surprised by that. Many people have threatened him with violence lol

uluvme – Converses are the best shoes ever…I own 7 pairs (Spencer has more lol). Thanks, glad you liked the chapter. Yeah I want someone to write a song for me too!

mutt009 – Awesome, thanks!

shayer – Yeah cuteness overload, but a good one I hope! Ah you saw through me! Yeah the next level…we'll see how it plays out. I have enjoyed building the intimacy without, as you put it, having them bonking like bunnies!

**Usual Disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven – Celebrate Good Times**

Ashley's POV

I smiled over at Spencer as I parked my Porsche in the car park behind Pella, just outside the entry way that led to the stairs that took you up to her apartment. I was in my usually space right next to her little dark blue SUV. Spencer leaned over and placed an affectionate kiss on my cheek before scooping up her bag and climbing out of the car. I beamed and followed her out of the car and up the stairs to her apartment.

She fumbled with her keys a little before getting the door open and leading me inside. I loved Spencer's place, it felt more like home to me than my own apartment did. I think that had more to do with the blonde who inhabited the place than the apartment itself. To me Spencer equalled home.

Spencer dropped her keys and bag on the sofa and turned around to open up her arms for me to step into, which I of course did. I snuggled into her embrace, resting my head on her shoulder as her arms circled my waist. I felt more than heard her sigh in contentment.

"You ok Blue?" I asked resting my lips against her throat, loving the way her breath hitched at the touch. Honestly, mine did too.

"Yeah I'm good, it's all kind of a dream really," she replied huskily. I didn't need to ask what she meant, this record deal was like a dream to me too. I held tight to her for a bit longer, placing gentle kisses on her neck, working my way up to her lips. Once I reached my destination I took her lips in a tender kiss.

I kissed her until we were both breathless and then pulled back to rest my forehead against hers. "And that was kind of dream-like too," she murmured with a hint of teasing in her voice. I chuckled and held her close.

"Hmmm I'd have to agree with that, very dream-like," I purred as I brought my lips to hers again. Spencer giggled, her breath tickling my lips before she pecked my lips and then suddenly pulled away, making me groan in protest.

Spencer smirked at me as she stepped back a little and folded her arms over her chest. I pouted at her, brining an adorable chuckle from her lips. She tilted her head and said softly, "Well I'm gonna go change before we head downstairs to meet the masses for our big celebration, make yourself at home."

I nodded and smiled widely at her and watched as she headed down the hall to her bedroom with a very sexy swing in her step. She turned to face me just as she opened the door and slipped inside. Spencer winked and shut the door behind her. I laughed and wandered over to take a seat on her sofa to await her reappearance.

I was just reading a text message from Julian telling us to hurry up and get our asses down to Pella when I heard someone clearing their voice behind me. I turned my head and found Spencer smirking at me looking all kinds of hot.

She had exchanged her previous outfit for a pair of black, pin-stripe shorts that showed off a LOT of her tanned, muscled legs that ended in her signature pair of Converses, these ones being classic black high tops. She'd paired them with a form fitting turquoise tank top that was cut high on one side showing off some toned stomach and the tattoo on her right hip. Her long blonde hair was straightened and hanging loose around her shoulders and her big blue eyes were shining with mirth.

"Wow!" I breathed out, making her smirk widen and her eyes twinkle.

"You think?" she asked coyly as she spun around, giving me a 360 view of her barely covered body. I definitely felt my blood pressure rising and had a Pavlovian need to drool all over the rung on her living room floor.

I swallowed hard and climbed to my feet. I nodded and took her in my arms, "Yeah I definitely think!" Spencer chuckled and leaned in to press a series of soft kisses to my lips.

"Well I'd love to say we should skip the whole celebration thing down stairs," I nodded enthusiastically, making Spencer smirk slyly as she stepped further into my arms, "Well I'd love to say it, but I can't," I groaned and she chuckled, "Sorry Brown but we have a lot of people waiting for us down in the bar and we'd better not keep them waiting any longer."

She stepped back out of my arms and took my hand in hers. She ran her thumb over my knuckles as she scooped up her bag and mine before leading us to the door. I meekly followed her to the door, hell I'd follow her anyway and she knew it. Spencer Carlin tells me to jump and I will be too busy complying to ask how high.

We headed down the stair case and in through the back door of the bar. It pays to know the sister of the owner! As soon as we stepped into the crowded bar people started clapping and cheering. I saw Spencer blush hotly while I just smirked and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. It was adorable how shy she could be, especially since I had seen her entrance an entire bar full of people with her music.

Julian walked over and took both of our hands in his as he led us further into the room. He walked us to the centre of the dance floor where Jen and Grey were already standing with Derek. Julian leaned in and kissed Spencer sweetly on the cheek before shoulder checking me playfully. I rolled my eyes and flipped him off, earning a chuckle from the assembled friends, family and band supporters.

Julian took the microphone Glen held out to him and raised it to his mouth, "Well firstly I want to thank Ashley and Spencer for _finally_ gracing us with their presence," He paused and everyone burst out laughing. I rolled my eyes and Spencer blushed cutely again. "And now secondly and most importantly I want to thank you all for being here to help us celebrate our RECORD DEAL with Island Records!"

Everyone started cheering, clapping and yelling excitedly. I pulled Spencer closer against me and beamed out across the crowd. The bar was full of the friends and family of the band, plus Derek and his wife. The people here had been a big part of the journey so far and it was only right that they be here to celebrate this achievement with us.

Julian waited until the clapping died down and then started speaking again, "Island Records has very generously agreed to take a chance on us and we are so very grateful. I also want to say thanks to all our friends and family who came out tonight to celebrate with us, you all have been endlessly supportive of us and our music. So on the eve of us officially signing on the dotted line with Island Records we wanted to take this opportunity to thank you all and celebrate the beginning of the next chapter for our band."

Julian raised his glass as Glen quickly handed Spencer and I a glass of champagne each. Julian winked at us and grinned, "So I'd like to propose a toast. Here's to family, friends, our manager Derek and to my fellow band member. To Fear Itself!"

"Fear Itself!" We all echoed. I clinked my glass against Spencer's and then my band mates' before taking a sip of the expensive champagne. I giggled as the bubbles tickled my nose, which Spencer caught and found hilarious and/or adorable if her grin was anything to go by.

I leaned in and kissed her gently on the cheek, causing her to grin adorably at me. I was about to say something witty and intelligent (I promise you it would have been dazzling) when I felt a presence behind me. I turned my head and found Kyla and Aiden grinning at me and Spencer.

"Hey guys," I said to them with a huge smile. I felt a little guilty, I had been a bit neglectful of my little sister and my best friend. I had just been so wrapped up in the band and well Spencer. Can you really blame? No I didn't think so.

"Hey Ash, we just wanted to say how proud we are of you!" Kyla all but screeched. I chuckled a little as Spencer winced beside me at the high pitched sound. I was pulled into a bone crushing hug, the force of which was impressive given Kyla's pixie like sized. Spencer was just cracking up at the sight of my eyes bulging out of my head when Kyla released me and pulled her into a hug of an even more impressive force. Poor Spencer looked like she was having trouble breathing.

"Uh Ky, you think you could let go of my girlfriend before she turns blue and passes out from a lack of oxygen?" I asked with a smirk.

Kyla immediately released the blonde who flashed me a grateful smile and moved to my side. Kyla grinned sheepishly and said, "Sorry Spencer, I can get a little over excited at times."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Hmm you don't say?" Spencer and Aiden burst out laughing and Kyla glared at me. Ah sisters are such fun! We chatted to them for a while and then Julian dragged us off so he could introduce us to his new partner. I stared in confusion at the tall good looking girl with her arm around Julian's waist, which made Spencer giggle.

"You didn't realise Julian was seeing anyone huh? Or did you think he would be dating a guy?" Spencer teased. Julian and the good looking girl both laughed and I just blushed. How was I supposed to know he wasn't gay? I mean Julian has more obviously gay traits than anyone I have ever met! And for the record I'm sure I have seen him with guys before. I confused!

Julian chuckled, "It's ok Ash, I'm bisexual so yeah you have seen me with guys, but I like girls too and this girl in particular." Julian smiled adorably at the tall girl and then looked back at us, "Spencer, Ashley I want you to meet Nate. Nate this is Spencer and Ashley."

I shook Nate's hand after she'd released Spencer's and smiled warmly up at her, "It's nice to meet you Nate, how did you two meet?"

Nate gave Julian's shoulders a gentle squeeze and beamed, "Well I'm a police officer and I pulled this one over for speeding. We bumped into each other the next day at the grocery store and started talking. It kind of built from there."

We talked a little longs, making sure to gather some great teasing titbits to use to make fun of Julian later before I took Spencer over to the bar to get us a couple of drinks. I leaned against the bar and waited patiently for the bartender. Spencer rolled her eyes and me and literally climbed over the bar, which was kind of hot. Once she was on the other side she leaned forward and smirked over at me, "So what will you be having Honey?"

I grinned widely at her and leaned in so I could pull her into a deep kiss over the bar. "Hmm I don't think we usually serve that here but I can get you a beer?" Spencer teased as she pulled back. I laughed and nodded, smiling gratefully as she handed me my beer.

Spencer mixed herself a drink and then walked around from behind the bar to stand beside me, her arm loosely hanging around my neck. I leaned into her and sipped my beer as I watched our band's family and friends all mingling on and around the dance floor. It made me smile to see Kyla being spun around the dance floor by Mr. Carlin. I loved that mine and Spencer's families could get along so well. It would make things easier if and when they were each other's in-laws.

Once Spencer and I had downed our drinks I led her out onto the dance floor, grinning widely when a slow song came on. Just what I had been hoping for! I looked deeply into her eyes and pulled her into my arms. She rested her head on my shoulder and looped her arms around my neck. I circled her waist with my hands and rested my cheek against her glorious silky hair.

I swayed us gently to the music. Everyone else in the bar melted away until the only two people in my world was Spencer and me. I fanned my hands out across her lower back and pulled her more firmly against me, loving the little whimper I heard come from her gently parted lips.

Even when the song ended and a more upbeat one began, Spencer and I continued to sway gently, slowly together. I felt her lips tentatively land on my exposed throat. She peppered the skin with soft kisses, her warm lips making my skin feel like it was on fire. I ran my hands up her back in soothing movements that pressed her body even further into mine. She sighed in contentment and I closed my eyes.

I can't be sure how long we swayed along to music only we could hear, it could have been minutes or it could have been hours. All I know is that no amount of time holding her in my arms will ever be enough. I moved my head back a little so I could look down at her face pressed into the crook of my neck. I was wearing pretty high heels so for once I was actually taller than her.

Her eyes were closed and her face was serene, she looked totally happy and at peace. I smiled tenderly and then leaned in to kiss her cheek softly. Her eyes fluttered open and she grinned up at me before raising her lips to mine and taking them in an adoring kiss. I felt her hands tangle themselves in my hair as I pulled her body impossibly close. I could feel tingles over every part of my body that was pressed against hers.

There was something almost spiritual about holding her in my arms. I tilted my head slightly and deepened our kiss, smirking at the soft moan I heard come from her mouth when my tongue touched hers. The sound was heard again as I slipped my leg in between hers and pulled her hips so that she was grinding slowly against me.

We were fused together until a high pitched scream pulled us back to reality and made us jump apart, looking around frantically for the origin of the sound. The music came to a sudden halt and the assembled masses all turned to face the one direction, giving us a clue where the scream had come from.

Spencer took my hand in hers and pushed our way through the crowd where we found Glen kneeling on the floor with his girlfriend Kate leaning back against his legs while panting heavily with her hands clasped over the huge baby bump she was sporting. Oh yeah Kate was like eight and a half months pregnant.

"What's going on?" Spencer asked anxiously as we reached them, her eyes flicking about nervously from her brother to Kate and back again.

Glen glanced up at us and bit his lips nervously, "Kate's water just broke, and she's in labour. Dad's just gone to get the car and then we're going to the hospital." Poor Glen looked panicked.

"Shit," Spencer murmured so softly only I could hear. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close.

"It's ok Blue, we'll get her to the hospital and then you're niece or nephew can enter the world. It's all going to be ok," I whispered against her ear.

Spencer turned to grin gratefully at me, holding my gaze until Kate cried out in pain again. Spencer moved to the woman's side and took her hand, "It's going to be alright Katie, just breathe."

I watched as my girl took control from her big brother who looked about a second away from a total nervous breakdown. Spencer tenderly swept the loose strands of hair off the older woman's damp brow and smiled warmly down at her. Kate kept her eyes locked on Spencer's as she struggled to control her breathing.

Soon Mr. C raced back in and between him and Glen they helped Kate up and pushed through the crowd of people to get her out to the car which Mr. C had driven up onto the sidewalk in front of the entrance. Highly illegal no doubt, but it was necessary. Halfway out the door Kate doubled over and screamed out in agony as another contraction ripped into her. Spencer rubbed her back soothingly while the men held her up and moved quickly to the car.

Once she was loaded into the car Mr. C jumped in the driver's seat while Glen climbed into the back with his girlfriend. Spencer stepped back and took my hand in hers as we watched them speed off. I was about to offer to go get my car when Clay pulled up next to us and motioned for us to get in.

I held open the back door for Spencer and climbed in after her, both of us saying our thanks to Clay and Chelsea as he sped off in the direction Mr. C had taken.

The drive to the hospital was tense and silent. Spencer was gripping my hand so tight I think I was getting a preview what it would be like to be with her while _she_ was in labour. By the time we parked at the hospital my hand was turning blue from where she had cut off the circulation and I was seriously thinking one of my fingers was broken.

We all climbed out of the car and ran inside, right up to the front desk, where we were quickly told we had come to the wrong hospital. We all groaned in frustration before we hightailed it back to the car and sped towards the hospital where Kate had really been taken. I literally thought Spencer was going to start hyperventilating so I pulled her close and rubbed her back, urging her to breathe and relax as much as she could.

Spencer sighed and leaned into me, her breathing becoming less shallow and erratic as my hands rubbed soothing circles across her back. I loved that I was the one able to calm her and sooth her. It made me feel important and connected to her. I hoped she knew it was very much so a mutual feeling. She was really the only person who gave me a sense of calm. She was the balm that soothed all my anxiety and worries.

I leaned in and kissed her forehead gently, holding her close as Clay parked the car in front of the right hospital. We all climbed out and raced inside, soon being directed to the maternity floor where we found Mr. C sitting in the waiting room patiently sitting with his eyes on the door.

We sprinted in and slid to a screeching halt in front of him. Clay first and then Chelsea crashed into him followed by Spencer slamming into her and then me colliding with them all and sending us sprawling onto the linoleum. Mr. C shook his head and smiled as got to his feet to pull us up and hug us each in turn. "Ok gang take a seat, the doctor said it could be a long wait," Mr. C said with a tired smile.

We all got as comfortable in those God awful plastic chairs as we could, Spencer attached to my side which I of course was not complaining about. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed softly, the gentle gust of air ticking my skin. I kissed her forehead tenderly and looked up in time to catch Mr. C smiling affectionately at us. It really meant the world that he was so supportive of our relationship.

We had been sitting out in the waiting room for about fifteen minutes when an all too familiar blonde woman strode in wearing sky blue scrubs and a white lab coat.

_Well fuck me! Didn't see that one coming._


	38. Bundle of Joy

**Thanks reviewers!**

LoveAsh87 – Thank you, the baby will make their appearance in this chapter

bethers85, mutt009, middie4ever – Uh huh, yep of course it's Paula, I had to bring her back into the story somehow!

shayer – Ah ha I love the unexpected! Converses are the most comfortable shoes ever and they look so awesome, I have a mild obsession. Thanks, I am loving writing the romance

WillowOn3 – It's all good, thank for reviewing! They are kind of adorable aren't they?

Your Relentless Lover – Of course its Paula, but read on for more. I love Ashley and Spencer together too, its fun to write

grangergirl22 – Yeah Ashley is planning a future with her girl all right, thanks

uluvme – Yeah Paula had to come back at some point! Jules girl is very new which is why she hasn't been introduced earlier. Yeah I was considering making him gay, but decided on bi instead lol

imaferrari – Wow thank you! Especially thank you for reviewing given the touch screen difficulty

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Eight – Bundle of Joy**

Ashley's POV

I felt Spencer tense up beside me, her whole body set to flee if given the slightest provocation. Mr. C climbed to his feet ready to face off with the unexpected visitor. "Paula, what the hell are you doing here?" He asked coldly, his whole stance was one of resentment and pain. It was obvious that his wife had hurt him a great deal too.

Paula Carlin looked down at her feet and then back up at her estranged husband with an expression of regret and longing, before scanning her eyes over the rest of us. Her gaze lingered on Spencer who was snuggled closely against my side trying hard not to cry. I even felt her gaze in me for a moment, almost as if she was sizing me up.

Paula closed her blue eyes and swallowed audibly before turning her gaze back onto Mr. C and saying softly, "Kate's doctor is stuck in surgery, there was an emergency c-section, and so I am here to help get our grandchild into the world safely. That's all Arthur."

"_Our_ grandchild? I think you forfeited all rights to this family when you hurt my daughter with your intolerance and judgement!" Mr. C snarled furiously. I had only ever seen him calm, hell even the day we went with Spencer to confront Tom Mr. C had stayed relatively calm, this new side of him was rather intimidating and made me ever more certain that I would not be willingly hurting his daughter anytime soon.

I felt Spencer bury herself deeper into my side until she literally could not get any closer to me. I held onto her and rubbed her arm soothingly, anything to give her some small measure of comfort. I could feel her body trembling violently and I hated that her mother could affected her like that. It was safe to say I was not a huge fan of Paula Carlin's.

Paula actually had the decency to look ashamed. She lowered her head, avoiding the steely gaze from her husband, and said softly, "I know all that. I know I made some huge, unforgiveable mistakes. Trust me Arthur no one is more aware of what I have done to this family than me. I just want to do my job here tonight and help that baby safely into the world. I promise there are no ulterior motives on my part. If you want me to leave once we know mother and baby are ok then I will. I promise."

I heard Spencer whimper slightly, it was so faint that no one else heard, and held her tighter. I could feel the first drip of her tears on my neck. Paula looked over at us again and then back at her husband. On Mr. C's reluctant nod she walked quickly into the delivery room where Glen and Kate had been taken on arrival at the hospital.

As soon as Paula had walked out of the waiting area Mr. C moved to squat down in front of Spencer, who was still snuggled into my body trembling slightly. He rested a gentle hand on her knee and said softly, "Are you ok Darling?"

Spencer shrugged and wiped impatiently at the tears on her face. She took a deep shuddering breath and murmured, "Not really, I wasn't expecting to see her today it's kind of throwing me a little bit. You know what this day isn't about me, it's about that tiny baby that is about to be born. No one, not Paula or anyone else is taking anything away from that."

Mr. C patted her knee and smiled kindly, proudly at her before climbing to his feet and retaking his seat. Clay wrapped an arm around Chelsea and I held Spencer close to me. I would hold her infinitely if that's what it took to make her feel safe and loved.

We all sat in silence for a while, just absorbing the shock if seeing the devil woman herself. Her cameo was not one we had expected, nor was it one we would have wanted. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall of the delivery room when Mama C walked in. I predicted that Glen had chucked a bitch-fit.

I felt Spencer sigh against the skin of my neck and leaned down to kiss her forehead, "Blue don't let her ruin this day for you. Don't let her have that kind of power over you. Today is a big day and, like you said, she can't take that away from you or any of us."

Spencer raised her eyes to meet mine and smiled tenderly before leaning in to place a chaste kiss on my lips. I smiled against her mouth and ran my hand through her long blonde hair. I was so lucky she was mine. I honestly don't think I will ever stop being surprised that this amazing woman chose to be with me. It seemed too good to ever be true that a damaged, train wreck like me could ever get the girl.

The next few hours were spent in tense silence. We tried to make small talk, but everyone inevitably fell silent again as the wait continued into the early hours of the morning.

Glen came out once or twice with updates, things were progressing, just more slowly then they would like. He did also admit that seeing his mother walk into the delivery room almost made _him_ go into labour himself. That got a chuckle from the blonde goddess in my arms, which made me smile.

Spencer fell asleep about four hours into our vigil, her rose-bud lips slightly parted as she rested her cheek against my chest. I held her lovingly, smiling at the cute little purr that came out of her lips. On anyone else I would call it a snore, on Spencer it was too cute so I called it a purr. She was the cutest thing in the world.

Finally after an agonisingly long and excruciating wait Glen came out with the hugest smile on his face and tears of joy in his eyes. "It's a boy, I have a son!" He said in a choked up voice full of happiness, pride and a hint of exhaustion. The exhaustion was understandable it was after all seven in the morning and we had been at the hospital since about seven the night before.

Spencer, who had only just woken up, leaped up from her seat beside me and beat everyone else to Glen. She jumped into his arms and he spun her around a few times, both of them laughing and crying at the same time. I beamed and Mr. C slung an arm around my shoulders as he led me over to the siblings. It was nice how he was including me in their family moment. I loved that man.

Glen placed Spencer back on her feet and was quickly caught up in a hug from both Clay and Chelsea who was enthusiastically congratulating him. Spencer threw herself at Mr. C and I and we pulled her to us for a group hug. By this stage everyone was laughing and crying as much as Glen and Spencer.

After Clay and Chelsea released Glen, Mr. C stepped forward and clapped his oldest son on the shoulder affectionately, "I am so proud of you my boy! So very proud. You are going to make an excellent father." Glen beamed and pulled his father into a fierce hug. Spencer wrapped and arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder.

Once Glen let go of Mr. C he led us all into the delivery room to meet the latest addition to the Carlin brood. I noticed Paula Carlin was still in the room, tears visible on her cheeks as she pretended to check the chart. I honestly think she was stalling so that she could share this moment with her family. I almost felt badly for her, she looked so sad, but then I remembered everything she had subjected Spencer to over the years and any sympathy I may have felt disappeared very quickly.

Spencer stiffened noticeably when she saw her mother was still in the delivery room, but pointedly ignored her and dragged me over to the bed where Kate was propped up against a pile of pillows holding a tiny bundle wrapped in a soft white blanket. I heard Spencer let out a tiny, breathy "Oh wow," as she looked down at her nephew.

Kate smiled tiredly up at us all before turning her eyes back down to her new baby with a look so tender it felt like we were intruding. Glen moved to stand next to her bed, kissed her sweaty forehead and said softly, "Guys I want to introduce you to our son, James Spencer Carlin."

Spencer looked up at Glen with tears in her eyes and a radiant smile on her lips, "Really?" she asked softly.

Glen beamed, "Yeah James Spencer. When your sister has a dude's name you're kind of obligated to use it for your first born son," Everyone chuckled, including Spencer, and then Glen continued, "In all seriousness, you are the strongest, most incredible person me and Katie know and we want those same qualities for our son. We hope that he can display the same strength, kindness, compassion, talent and resilience that you have. And Spencer we would also like to ask you if you would be his god-mother?"

Kate and Glen both chuckled at the look of overwhelmed surprise on Spencer's face. I gave her hand a squeeze and beamed proudly at her. "Wow," Spencer breathed out, "I'd be absolutely honoured, thank you."

Glen pulled her closer and kissed her cheek. Kate tenderly held up her son for Spencer to take in her arms. Spencer held her god son like he was the most precious thing in the entire world. She cradled him against her chest and stared down at him in total awe. She stroked his little cheek with her finger and let the tears fall unchecked down her face. I don't think she has ever looked more beautiful that she did in that moment.

None of us were aware of Chelsea madly snapping photos, we were all too engrossed in the heart-warming sight of Spencer holding James. Spencer glanced up and caught my eyes, nodding her head to tell me to come closer.

I stepped up behind her and rested my chin on her shoulder so I could look down at the baby in her arms. I circled her waist with my arms and just held her. This was too perfect. James was beautiful. He had big, midnight blue eyes, long thick lashed and a head of mousy brown hair which I firmly believed would end up blonde. He was evidently a Carlin, he was going to be a stealer of hearts.

I heard the faint sound of a camera and smiled softly as I looked down at Baby James in my girl's arms. I had to remember to ask Chelsea for copies of these photos. Maybe one day Spencer and I would be in this position again, but with our own child.

It may seem like I am jumping the gun a tad, but I know without a shadow of doubt that Spencer Carlin is my forever. She is the woman I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. Of that I am certain. No one else will ever make me feel what she can with just a look or soft touch. Not to mention the fact that a baby Spencer would be beyond beautiful.

I faintly heard a strangled sob and looked up in time to see Paula walk quickly out of the room. Spencer raised her eyes to meet Arthur's and said softly, "Go tell her to come back in here Dad, she shouldn't have to miss out on this. Despite everything she deserves to be here for this moment."

Arthur smiled with pride at his youngest child and ran out the door, returning soon with an anxious looking Paula. I knew this by no means meant that Spencer had forgiven Paula for all the pain she'd caused, but she would never deprive the woman the chance to meet her grandson. As much as she would never admit it, Spencer hoped that one day they could all be a family again.

Spencer looked to Glen and Kate, who both nodded their approval, and then stepped up to her mother. She smiled faintly at the older blonde and gently handed James to his grandmother.

Paula raised her tear filled eyes to meet Spencer's and whispered, "Thank you." Spencer nodded and stepped back into my arms.

I held her from behind, giving her what support I could. I knew being this close to her mother was hard for her. It brought back memories of all the older blonde had subjected her to, it also brought back a flurry of happy memories from before things had changed for the worse between the two Carlin women.

Spencer sighed and leaned back into me, the gentle weight of her felt just right in my arms. I could hold her forever and planned to if she'd let me. After a few minutes Paula passed her first grandchild to Arthur who immediately started to tear up when his grand son looked up at him with innocent blue eyes, a shade of blue that I would now forever call 'Carlin Blue'. It was the shame shade shared between Glen, Spencer and Arthur. Paula's, while very blue, were much lighter than the blue of the others.

Once all the family members had held the baby we left so that Kate could rest. We said our goodbyes to everyone, except Paula who was hanging back near the door to Kate's room. Arthur, Clay and Chelsea all left. Spencer and I were going to get a cab back to her place after we went to take another loot at baby James in the nursery.

We started to walk towards where the nurse had taken James when Paula stepped forward hestitantly. She sighed and ran a hand through her messy blonde hair. She reached out towards Spencer, but seeing her flinch and move further into me she withdrew her hand. "I just wanted to thank you for letting me be there tonight. It was more than I deserve," the older blonde murmured.

"You're right, it was. The thing is though, I'm not going to keep you away from your family just because you hurt me. What I will say is if you ever hurt that baby the way you've hurt me then I will make it my mission in life to destroy you," Spencer said quietly, emotionlessly.

Paula swallowed and blinked back tears, "I am so sorry Spencer, so very sorry. I wish I could take it all back…"

"Well you can't Mom, you can't and now we both have to live with that. I love you, God if I didn't then none of it would have hurt as much as it did. The thing is I don't know if I can ever forgive you. You have the right to be in the lives of our family, but you have lost your right to be in mine. I'm sorry, we have to go," Spencer said in a voice husky with unshed tears.

I took her hand and led her away from her Mom, as soon as we rounded the corner and were out of sight I stopped and pulled her into my arms. She sighed tiredly and rested her head in the crook of my neck. "I just wish seeing her didn't hurt so damn much," Spencer murmured softly.

"I know this sounds clichéd, but it will get easier. She hurt you time and time again and you don't just magically get over that. Give yourself time," I whispered into her hair. Spencer nodded and pulled me tighter against her.

After a few minutes she stepped back and flashed me a weary smile. "Let's go see James and then we can go home and sleep," She suggested. I nodded and fixed her with a loving smile. We walked hand in hand along the hospital hall until we came to a stop in front of the nursery. We glanced in and both beamed at the sight of James sleeping peacefully in his crib.

"Wow, I can't believe that my dopey big brother actually fathered a child. This is all so surreal. God he is amazing though, and by he I mean James not Glen," Spencer said in a breathless voice with her eyes locked on her nephew.

"He is, and so are you," I murmured into her ear, smirking at the way her body visibly shivered as my breath caressed her skin. I snaked my arms around her waist and felt her lean back into my body so that my front was pressed firmly against her back.

"I can't wait to watch him grow up and see who he's going to become because I know he is going to be brilliant," Spencer said softly.

I chuckled and said, "Well with all that Carlin DNA how could he be anything less than spectacular?"

Spencer turned her head to place a loving kiss on my cheek, "You really say the most beautiful things sometimes."

I leaned in and kissed her lips chastely, "I mean every word."

"I know you do, which is just part of the reason why you are so damn incredible," Spencer paused and I saw her bite her lip nervously before she continued, "So have you ever thought about having children?"

I grinned and held her tighter, loving the way she covered my arms with hers and gripped my hands. I kissed her neck and whispered, "I have. One day it would be an honour to have a child with the woman I love."

Spencer turned to look at me and tilted her head in that adorable way I loved so much. She looped her arms around my neck and I rested my hands on her slender hips to keep her body against mine. Her lips quirked in a delicious little smile, "And by woman you love, who do you mean?"

I chuckled and kissed her lovingly, "Who do you think Blue?"

Her grin widened and she glanced up at my from under her eye lashes, "I don't know, some hot blonde maybe?" I nodded and kissed her adoringly.

We turned back to look at James, both chucking when he stretched his little fists skyward as he slept.

After a bit more baby watching we headed out of the hospital. The whole cab ride back to Pella and Spencer's place I couldn't help but think to myself, _one day I am going to marry this woman and build a family, a life with her. There is nothing in this world I am surer of._


	39. Let Me Breathe

**Thank you to all who read/review!**

Your Relentless Lover – Their relationship will never be all about sex, but after everything that has happened to her Spencer has one or two issues in that department. Paula's story is not over, whether she'll get her chance or not remains to be seen.

LoveAsh87, bethers85, Harley Quinn Davidson – Thank you!

mutt009 – Oh yeah don't piss of Papa C! Thanks

imaferrari – There are mixed feelings about Paula, we'll see how that plays out. I felt we needed some sweet moments before the drama takes hold again

WillowOn3 – I agree with you, but I still haven't decided what I am going to do about Paula. I feel that forgiveness is asking a lot from Spencer at the moment, but we'll see. Thanks Sweets

uluvme – Aw thanks! I agree Paula can never really make up for all she's done. It's up to Spencer (or well me as the author lol) to figure out if she will be forgiven

shayer – Lol yeah I am a massive sap! Always have been. Thank you, glad you liked it

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Thirty-Nine – Let Me Breathe**

Spencer's POV

I walked out of my brother's house with a contented smile on my face. I had just been to visit my nephew James, which always put me in the best of moods. I was whistling to myself as I walked down the path to my car. James and Kate had come home from the hospital a little while ago now after a three day stay to make sure Mom and bub were doing well. Today my little man was officially three weeks old.

It had been an incredible, whirlwind three weeks. For one we signed a record deal, officially, with Island Records and had been in the studio working on our music. Our first single, Breakeven was due to be released within a week at a huge launch party to be held at Pella (on me, Ashley and Julian's insistence). We were even filming a music video in two days time. It was all amazing, but time consuming.

All my spare time though had been spent getting to know my nephew and of course spending time with my girl. Often those two activities had mingled together. Ashley was just as besotted with him as I was.

James was too adorable. Every time I saw him I just fell more and more in love with him. He was so gorgeous and innocent. The shit that life inevitably dished out hadn't touched him yet. He wasn't jaded or cynical and he had never had his heart broken or trust betrayed. He was pure and untouched and I wanted him to stay that way for as long as possible.

I promised myself the day he was born that I would protect him from the ugliness of the world until it was time for him to start learning from his mistakes. I would encourage him to experience and grow, but would always protect him. James, or Jamie as we were all calling him (Ashley liked to call him Jamie Spence) was going to be one of the most loved little boys in the entire world.

I climbed into my car and sighed deeply. I was on my way to the prosecutor's office, it was our last meeting before the trial was due to start in a week and a half's time.

To say I was nervous about the trail was a huge understatement. I was terrified! I was still having nightmares on occasion and I had this feeling that they weren't going to totally go away until Tom was rotting in prison. My counsellor kept telling me what I was looking for was closure on the situation. She felt that closure on what Tom had done to me would also give me closure on what Carmen had done. In my mind the two events had become linked.

I guess it wasn't hard to believe, the two most horrendous, degrading experiences in my life would become intertwined in my head. I just wanted to finally put it all to rest and really move on once and for all. I didn't want my past to hold me back from really living.

I drove quickly over to the prosecutor's office before I could lose my nerve. I parked my SUV in the car park next to the building, took a few calming breaths and climbed out. I shouldered my purse and headed into the building. I was slightly early so the receptionist got me to take a seat in the waiting room.

I pulled out my folder of sheet music and started making notes and amendments on a song I was working on while I waited. I must have been in the waiting room for about fifteen minutes when the prosecutor, Felicity, wandered out with an all too familiar woman.

Paula's eyes widened when she saw me sitting on the plush waiting room sofa. Felicity was oblivious to the tension between us. She smiled over at me and said, "Spencer I just need a few more minutes then I'll bring you in. Oh and Paula, thank you for your time you've been really helpful."

Felicity raced back towards her office and Paula stood stock still as if she was trying to figure out what to do. I turned my attention back to my sheet music, hoping she would take the hint and leave me alone.

Instead she walked over and took a seat across from me. Her shadow fell across my papers and gave me no choice but to acknowledge her presence. I sighed and raised my eyes up to look at her, "What can I do for you Paula?"

She bit her lips and looked down at her hands before asking softly, "I was just wondering how James and Kate are going? I tried to call Glen but he wouldn't answer his phone."

The sad, lost expression on her face when she said that made me feel for her. Yes she had made mistakes, I of all people was not going to dispute that, but she was paying for them.

I smiled tentatively, "Well James, or Jamie as we all call him, is doing really well. He's a gorgeous kid, looks a lot like Glen in all the baby photos I've seen of him. Um he's a good baby, only cries if he has a reason to, he sleeps most of the night and thrives on company. He has won over many a heart so far. Uh Kate is doing well, adjusting to motherhood brilliantly and Glen is really stepping up. He's going to be a great father."

She flashed me a watery smile and whispered, "Thank you."

I nodded and then saw Felicity walking back out to get me. I smiled again at my mother and said quietly, "No problem, he's your family too. I'll see you."

I collected my things and walked over to meet Felicity. Just as I was about to walk into her office I turned around and smiled once more at my Mother. She beamed back at me and watched until I stepped inside.

I took a seat in one of the chairs across from Felicity's desk and clenched my hands into fist. I so didn't want to have to talk about Tom anymore, I knew it was all a means to an end, that if I cooperated we had a better chance of seeing him locked away for a long time, but that didn't make reliving it any easier.

"Thanks for coming in again Spencer, we have almost gotten this case all ready for trial, I just wanted to go over some stuff with you and maybe, if you're willing, maybe talk about some of the questions the defence might use to try and trip you up when we put you in the witness stand," Felicity said with a kind smile.

I swallowed hard and nodded, "ok we can do that. Can I ask you something first?"

"Sure, ask away," Felicity said with an open, inviting expression.

I sighed and said softly, "Do you really think we have a chance of getting Tom locked away?"

Felicity slid her glasses off and rested them on the desk. She looked my straight in the eye and said gently, "Spencer there is no way for us to know how the court is going to rule. These types of cases are often hard to call. All we can control is how well prepared our case is. What I will tell you is that we have covered all bases that we can think of. We have an eye witness, plus character witnesses, including the defendant's own father, vouching for you and trashing Tom. We are making sure we have the best possible chance of getting him locked up for as long as possible."

I nodded and swallowed around the lump in my throat, "Ok, thank you. I just really want all this to be over."

Felicity smiled sympathetically, "I understand and I give you my word that I will do my best to get the outcome you deserve."

I smiled my thanks and we got to work. For over an hour she bombarded me with all the questions and comments she thought the public defender might throw at me. Some of them were so brutal I almost slugged her and/or cried. It was tough to go through, but I knew it was just to better prepare me for what the trial was going to be like. It was going to suck.

I walked out of that office feeling unsettled and angry. I was angry at Tom and angry at myself for ever being with him in the first place. I had made so many mistakes, Tom being right up there with the worst of them.

I climbed into my car and drove to the studio in downtown L.A. where the band was working on our first single and debut album. For the first time ever I didn't want to be playing music with my band. I just wanted to be alone.

I wandered inside and forced a smile onto my face before walking into the room where my band mates (including my girlfriend) and Derek were all sitting. I guess they were waiting for me to show up. I stepped into the room and they all greeted me enthusiastically, Ashley jumping to her feet and going to kiss me. I turned my head at the last moment so she caught my cheek.

I caught the look of confused hurt on her face as I stepped back out of her arms. In that moment I didn't want anyone touching me. Talking about Tom had just brought it all back and the thought of letting anyone hold me was something I just couldn't deal with. "Hello everyone, sorry for holding you up."

"No problem Spencer, we've only been here a few minutes and we're still waiting on the sound technician and the producers so you're definitely not late," Derek said with a kind smile. I nodded my thanks and took a seat on a stool, slightly away from the others.

I know I was being a little childish, but I just needed a moment to myself. I was still so wound up from the interview with the prosecutor. I was so tense I felt like I was going to snap. I caught both Ashley and Julian looking over at me with concern. I ignored them and looked down at my hands which were clenched into tight fists.

I was feeling really out of sorts. It scared me because if this was my reaction after a practice run with the prosecutor then once the actual defence started on me I was probably going to crumble. I hated this, hated all of it. Would there ever come a time where Tom wasn't affecting my life?

Mr. Flint strode into the room, distracting me from my thoughts. He smiled and waved the man and woman behind him into the room. "Hello everyone, glad to have you here. Today we're going to work on the acoustic version of Breakeven for the single. Spencer did you want to play the acoustic guitar or be accompanied?" Mr. Flint asked.

"If it's alright I'll play and sing," I answered, ignoring the looks from both Ashley and Julian. I guess it would have been nice to include the bands guitarists in this. Oh well the thought of being alone in the recording booth was kind of all I could stand.

"Great, well I've got Jane here to work with you on that and we'll get the others into the next studio to start laying down some more music tracks with Vince here," Mr. Flint said.

I nodded and walked into the booth with Jane. We had worked with her through out the past few weeks. She knew her stuff. I looked at the four different acoustic guitars in the studio and bit my lip. None of them were right.

"Hold up a second!" I heard Ashley call. I turned around and saw her walk into the booth with her own guitar. It was black and a little beaten up, it had been her father's. Ashley walked up to me and placed the guitar in my hands, "here play this one."

"I can't Ash, it's your Dad's guitar. You don't let anyone play this guitar," I mumbled refusing to take the offered instrument.

Ashley smiled softly, "Well you're not just _anyone_ now are you? Play the guitar Spence, I want you to."

I smiled tiredly at her and took the guitar into my hands. I was at a loss for words. This was just another way she blew my mind. Ashley reached out and cupped my cheek in her palm. I sighed and leaned into her touch while keeping my eyes locked on hers. Ashley smiled lovingly at me and whispered, "Whatever is going on you can talk to me if you want. When you're ready I'll be here and until then, let's see what you've got Rock Star!"

I chuckled and smiled gratefully at her. I was so damn lucky to have her.

I held the guitar carefully in my hands and slid the strap over my body. I walked over to the stool in front of the microphone and sat down. I looked over at Ashley who smiled sweetly before stepping out of the booth with Jane.

"Ok Hun, want to play a little something and we'll get the levels working before we launch into the song, give you a chance to warm up a tad," Jane said into the intercom.

I nodded and began tuning the guitar, of course finding it already perfectly tuned. I started strumming softly, just playing random notes until a song came to mind. I smiled sadly and began to play the song. I strummed, swaying softly and then started singing,

"Do you think I am made of stone?  
Cold and unfeeling  
Where all the pieces of my heart  
You have been stealing

I have to tell you just how I feel  
Without some sugar coating  
Are you so blind that you cannot see  
that I am suffocating

Oh yeah

So Let me breathe  
ooh Oh  
I have to live

Although it hurts me to confess  
I can't stop myself from thinking  
Its better to jump overboard  
before this ship starts sinking

Would you please give me some air?

And Let me breathe  
ooh Oh  
I have to live

I need to save some time for myself  
and leave behind  
I want to shine over time like  
Not just exist

Won't you please give me some air?

And Let me breathe  
ooh Oh  
I have to live

I need to save some time for myself  
and leave behind  
I want to shine over time  
Not just exist"

I finished singing and looked up to see if Jane was ready to record, instead I caught the extremely confused and hurt eyes of my girlfriend. Ashley stares at me for a second before turning on her heel and racing from the studio. I carefully (very carefully) place the guitar in a stand and ran after her.

I caught up with her just as she stepped out the back door into a little alleyway. I grabbed her arm and spun her towards me so I could see her eyes. They were so full of hurt I wanted to kick myself.

"Ash, that song wasn't about you or us. I just wasn't in the mood for happy so I picked a song that was kind of angsty. I'm just all out of sorts today," I said as I held her arms to stop her from running.

Ashley shook her head and sighed, "Well then what is going on? You come into the studio this morning, quiet and refusing to come near any of us. I go to kiss you hello and you turn away. Spencer if the song wasn't about me then what was it about? I know you and music _always_ means something."

Now it was my turn to sigh. I ran my hand through my long blonde hair and bit my lip, "I've had a stressful morning and I'm sorry if that made me be a little standoffish. I just needed to breathe a little."

"So the song was about me then? You're trying to tell me you need space to 'breathe'?" Ashley asked, her voice devoid of emotion.

"No that's not what I'm saying at all! This is not about you, it's about me! This is about me and what I went through. None of it goes away Ashley, not what Carmen did or what Tom did or even what my mother did, none of it goes away. So just maybe sometimes I might be having a bad day, but it's not about you Ash. You are the one constant comfort in my life and God I love you so much, but right now I am struggling," I cried, wringing my hands in distress.

Ashley pulled me into her arms, ignoring the weak struggle I put up. She held me close against her, rubbing soothing circles on my back. "I'm sorry Spence, I know that the things that have happened to you aren't just going to go away, all I ask is that you tell me when things are getting to you, even if you tell me just so you can ask me to back off for a while. Just please talk to me," she murmured into my hair.

I nodded against her neck and let out a shaky breath, it had been one emotional day! "Ash I want to talk to you about this, I do, I just need some time to sort out the mess in my head. Do you think you could come over tonight and we could talk?" I asked softly, my voice muffled by her neck.

"Of course I can Blue, I'll pick up some Thai from that little place you like so much and bring it round after we're done in the studio today. Is that cool?" She asked, dropping a gentle kiss on my head.

I nodded and hugged her tighter for a moment before we separated and headed back inside. I kissed her chastely before heading back into the studio where Jane was patiently waiting for me to return. "You ok kid?" Jane called as I picked up Ashley's father's guitar.

"Yep, can we do a run through of just the music first and then I'll do a take with lyrics? I just want to get a feel for this song being played acoustically," I said into the microphone.

Jane nodded and then gave me the thumbs up when she was ready for me to play. I perched on the stool and started strumming the guitar. Breakeven was a powerful song, full of gut-wrenching emotions, so I didn't want the acoustic version to be over the top. It had to be simple so it didn't detract from the words.

I played a raw acoustic version of the song. My body tensing and trembling with the intensity of the music. I finished playing and looked up at Jane who was grinning excitedly and nodding enthusiastically. "Spencer that was brilliant, perfect. How about we try it with some lyrics now?" Jane called through the intercom.

I nodded and waited for the signal to start playing again. I moved closer to the microphone and adjusted my headset. I got the thumbs up from Jane and started playing again. I closed my eyes and let the music take me over. Finally finding the comfort I had been craving.

There was something about letting you emotions lose in a song, it was beyond cathartic. I felt peace when I poured my heart and soul into a song, it was my way of dealing with emotions that I otherwise felt I had no outlet for.

I played hard, I sung strongly and let my voice take on a vulnerable, raw quality that would translate my emotions to the listeners. Breakeven had been written about a really difficult time in my life, but now I could look back on that time with some fondness. It had hurt like hell at the time though.

I softened my voice, letting the pain seep through as I sang the last verse and bridge.

"You got her heart and my heart and none of the pain  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.  
Now I'm trying to make sense of what little remains  
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in  
Cos I got time while she got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even"

I stood up from my stool and leaned into the microphone. I clamped my eyes closed and belted out the last chorus. I felt sweat breaking out over my body, my muscles straining, the tension and emotion riding through me.

"What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces  
(One still in love while the other ones leaving  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)"

I stopped singing and strummed a few more notes before breathing out and letting my hands fall to my sides. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Jane with tears spilling from her eyes and Ashley standing beside her with Julian behind her, his big arms wrapped around her. Both of them had looks of wonder on their faces. I put the guitar into the stand beside me and sunk to the stool, my body trembling from the intensity of what I had just put it through.

Ashley walked into the booth and wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my sweaty neck. "That was powerful Spence, really powerful. It scares me sometimes, the emotion you can tap into and pour into your songs. But wow was that amazing," She murmured softly.

I held onto her as my heart rate returned to normal, or the version of normal it is whenever Ashley is in my vicinity (which is pretty elevated for the record) and my breathing settled. Once I had come down from the emotional sate I'd put myself in I stepped out of the booth with my girl's arm firmly around my waist.

"Spencer that was unbelievable, I'd say we don't need any more takes of that version. It was flawless! How about you take off for the rest of the day? We'll record some more instrumental work with the others," Jane suggested.

I looked over at Julian who smiled and nodded, telling me silently to get my butt home. Ashley just gave me a squeeze. I nodded, "Ok sure that would be good. Thanks Jane."

"No problem kid, I'm going to head into the next studio and see how they're going with the drum work," Jane said with a beaming smile. She patted me on the shoulder and wandered out.

I smiled thinly at Ashley and Julian. "Ok so I'd better head home. I'll catch you guys later?"

Julian pulled me out of Ashley's grasp and gave me a big bear hug, "Yes you will, tomorrow for more recording, but I am going to take you out for lunch just the two of us as well, ok?"

"Ok. Love you Jules," I murmured.

"Love ya too Princess." Julian kissed my cheek and let me go. He smiled at me and wandered off to give me and Ashley a chance to say goodbye privately.

I turned to her and let her pull me into a tender hug. I held her firmly against me and closed my eyes. I felt her lips ghost over my check while her hands fanned out over my back. "So I'll come by after we're done here?" She asked softly.

"Yeah, that'd be good. I'll see you later then," I murmured as I pulled back.

Ashley nodded and leaned in to kiss me lovingly on the lips. She smiled and whispered, "I love you Blue."

"I love you too Brown. Bye." I smiled tiredly and then turned and walked out.

I promised myself that I would try and not use her as a punching bag anymore. Ashley did not deserve that from me, not after everything I had already put her through. When she came over to my place that night I was going to tell her all about what had happened at the prosecutors. She deserved to know what was going on with me.

**Songs used in this chapter,**

**Let Me Breathe – The Hours**

**Breakeven – The Script**


	40. Let It Out

**Thank you for the reviews!**

bethers85 – Yeah this is difficult for both our girls, Spencer is dealing the best way she can

shayer – Hehe wow thanks! That means a lot. Writing is my escape so it's pretty awesome that people like what I come up with

Harley Quinn Davidson, darkangeleyes23 – Aw thank you!

WillowOn3 – Sadly our pasts don't go away even when you want them to. Spencer in this fic is like me, when hurting it is instinct to withdraw into herself. Spencer is coping as best she knows how and Ashley is a saint, as for them getting some we'll see.

imaferrari – True and thank you. Spashley time huh, well let's see how it plays out. The trial is still a few chapters away yet

KathleenDee – Hehe glad Breakeven got you thinking of the fic!

uluvme – I agree. And yeah it sucks how Tom is still impacting Spencer's life even when he is no longer directly in it. I needed a fairly angsty song so that's why I brought in Let Me Breathe. Breakeven is a fav of mine. Thanks!

mutt009 – Yep minor bump, Spencer is handling it as well as she can but its hard on both her and Ashley.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty – ****Let It Out**

Ashley's POV

I held the bag of hot Thai food in one hand while trying to lock my car, read a text message from my sister and carry my purse in the other. It was not an easy task to say the least. I got my car locked and jogged up the stairs to Spencer's front door. I knocked on the door with my elbow and waited for her to answer.

I saw a shadow cross the peep hole then the door was thrown open and Spencer greeted me with a tired, but sincere smile. I had been worried about her since she had wandered into the recording studio earlier, she just wasn't being herself. I wasn't going to push her into telling me what was going on in that head of hers, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was dying to know.

"Hey Blue, I brought Thai," I said with a grin, holding up the take out.

Spencer stepped aside and let me in, leaning in to kiss my cheek softly. She looked really tired, like the world was just getting her down, but even in her dark grey sweat pants and tight black tank top, she was stunningly beautiful. I wanted to just pull her into my arms and hold her close, protect her from whatever was bothering her. I didn't though, I knew that she needed to come to me. Spencer could not be pushed. My beautiful, stubborn girl.

I wandered into her kitchen and placed the bag of food on the counter. I dropped my purse, keys and cell next to the food and turned around to face her. I was surprised to find her right behind me. She locked her eyes on mine before leaning in ands wrapping her arms around me. I circled mine around her and felt her snuggle into my body.

I held her silently, sensing that all she wanted and needed was to feel my arms around her. Something I was more than willing to provide. Spencer had been through more in her life than many people twice her age had experienced. She was entitled to have her off days and I would do whatever I could to help her through it, even if that meant just holding her silently.

I held her for a long time until I felt her pull back slightly. She smiled softly at me and murmured, "Foods getting cold."

I smiled and shrugged, "That's why you have a microwave Blue."

She grinned a little more warmly and nodded, "True, but I am kinda hungry."

"Well in that case milady, take a seat and I'll dish up some delicious, lukewarm Thai food!" I said ushering her over to one of the stools at her counter. Spencer giggled and sat down.

I pulled out plates, cutlery and glasses and got to work dishing up our food and pouring each of us a glass of Coke. I know my girl has a mild Coke addiction, she is a caffeine junkie.

I placed her plate in front of her and passed over a glass. She beamed gratefully and picked up her remote to turn on her stereo. I smiled at the soft classical music she had playing. My girl was a rock chick, but in her heart was still a deep love for the beauty of classical music.

I picked up my fork and murmured, "Enjoy my lovely."

Spencer smiled tenderly and picked up her own fork to dig into her food. We ate in silence for a while, just content to be with each other. I kept sneaking glances over at her, just needing to know she was ok. I'm protective of her, what can I say?

We were about halfway through our dinner when Spencer put down her fork and whispered, "I'm sorry I was a bitch earlier."

I placed my fork down and turned to face her fully. I took her hand in mine and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze, "Spence, its ok. You weren't being a bitch, you're just having a bad day. I get it. I'm just worried about you is all."

Spencer nodded and looked down at her half finished plate of dinner. She bit her lip and a frown creased her brow. I had to fight the urge to run my fingers over the wrinkle to ease it away. This was her time and it had to be on her terms.

Spencer sighed loudly and kept her eyes glued on her plate, "I had an appointment at the prosecutors this morning. I went right after I went to see Jamie, Kate and Glen."

I stayed quiet, I wasn't going to interrupt her. I knew Spencer and once she started talking about the things that hurt her, you had to let her finish or she would withdraw into herself so fast she'd disappear before your eyes.

Spencer picked up her fork and began moving the food around on her plate, just shifting it around aimlessly while she collected her thoughts. I waited patiently. She sighed again and started to speak softly, "It was kind of brutal really. Felicity was helping prepare me for when I have to take the stand at Tom's trial. She was badgering me with questions and accusations like I guess the defence lawyer is going to do. It was just a lot to take and made me freak out for a bit."

Damn that prosecutor! Ok so it's not really her fault, it's her job to prepare Spencer for what is going to happen in that court room. I guess its better than she's prepared then her getting totally ambushed once she takes the stand. I just hate seeing Spencer so upset. When she was hurting, I hurt to.

"Oh Baby, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I bet it's brought up a lot of stuff for you huh?" I asked softly, wrapping an arm around her sagging shoulders. I felt her shrug and lean further into me. I just held her close.

"God Ash, it was just so hard and it makes me think that actually taking the stand in that court room with Tom sitting right there, listening to them lie about what happened that morning, is going to be too much! I don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but when is it enough? When will it get to a point when I have I gone through enough!" She cried out and then the tears started falling in torrents down her face.

I gathered her into my arms, sinking with her when she sagged to the floor. I held her as close as was humanly possible, rocking her body and whispering nonsense words in a soothing tone. I kissed her silky hair and told her again and again how much I loved her and how I would be by her side the whole time.

Spencer pulled back and locked her tear filled blue eyes on mine, "But there comes a point where you can't be by my side Ash. When I take that stand it's just going to be me going head to head with that fucker who is defending Tom."

I shook my head and smiled lovingly at her, "That's just not true my love. I may not be physically by your side, but I will be there. You'll just have to look across the court room and look in my eyes. I'll be there. I promise you that."

Spencer's tears were falling slower now, but she still looked scared and unsettled. I scooped her up in my arms, earning me a surprised squeal, and carried her over to the sofa. I lay her down carefully and then lay down beside her so I could hold her in my arms.

Spencer cracked a smile and said coyly, "Well aren't you all butch!"

I laughed and held her to me. Spencer snuggled into my arms and I could feel her warm tears on my neck. I wanted to punch Tom one time for each and every tear he'd ever made her cry. I'm thinking it might take a lifetime to pay him back. No matter what happens he can never give back what has been taken.

I held her until I felt her breathing even out and I knew she was asleep. I kissed her forehead and closed my eyes. Soon I was asleep too.

I woke up an hour or so later alone on her leather sofa with a throw rug over me. I glanced around and then heard the faint sound of an acoustic guitar being played in her music room. I smiled softly to myself, I should have known.

I wandered down the hall and stood in the doorway like I had done many times before. This room, more than any in the apartment, was pure Spencer. It was her sanctuary and I sometimes felt like I was intruding when I was in there even though I knew she didn't see it that way.

I think she felt my presence because she stopped strumming and smiled up at me, resting her arms on top of the guitar in her lap. The smile she was giving me was the biggest one I had seen on her all day, she almost looked like her old self. I grinned back and leaned against the door jam with my arms folded over my chest.

"You doing ok Blue?" I asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm alright thanks to you. You have the most incredible ability to make me feel safe and loved. When you're around I can't help but feel better. You are pretty special Ashley Davies," Spencer said with a warm smile.

I beamed at her and walked over to perch on the armrest of the chair she was sitting in. Spencer leaned her body against mine and sighed in contentment. I leaned down and kissed her softly on the crown of her head.

"You know I think you're pretty special too Spencer," I murmured against her hair, "So what were you playing?"

"Nothing really, just random notes. It was a way to keep my hands busy," Spencer said with a shrug.

"Can I play you something? It's a song by Within Reason and it kind of makes me think of you, it's called Let It Out." I murmured.

Spencer nodded and passed me her guitar. I took the well worn acoustic guitar into my hands and started to strum. I remembered the first time I had heard this song, it had really spoken to me.

I smiled at my blue-eyed girl and began to sing softly,

"If I could only see where you've been  
And how you been livin'  
And where's that place you call home  
Everything that you've been through  
Has only helped me get to know you  
Most amazing soul I've ever known

But if you want to leave  
From the past you've seen  
And the pain is so real  
And it's so strong  
And every breath you take  
Has now gone away  
And the pill you've taken  
has now worn off

Let it out, Let it out

Seems like you've found your way from this  
Road that you're on  
You've made so much progress  
Look what you've become

Let it out, Let it out

Let it out, Let it out  
Let it out, Let it out"

I sung the last note and looked down at my girl. Spencer was gazing up at me with tear filled eyes and a beautiful smile. "Thank you," She whispered softly.

I nodded and smiled back, "Of course Blue. You really are the most amazing soul I have ever known. I love you."

Spencer took the guitar from my hands and placed it in its stand. She turned back to face me and with the most serious of expressions she whispered, "I love you too."

She cupped my face in her palms and brought our lips together in a sweet, loving kiss that was burning in its intensity. I moaned against her lips and tangled my hands in her soft hair.

She took both my hands in hers and without breaking our kiss led me out of the music room and into her bed room. I let myself be led over to her big bed and let her pull my body down over hers as she lay back against the bedcovers.

I kissed her softly, adoringly, hoping to show her that she was loved in the most profound way. She was my miracle.

I felt Spencer's hands move to my lower back, bringing my body more fully down on top of hers. I pulled back slightly and gazed into her big blue eyes, which were darkened to almost midnight blue. I smiled down at her and reconnected our lips in a kiss that was much hungrier than the previous ones we'd shared.

I wanted her, pure and simple. I was desperately in love with the woman beneath me and I was desperate to feel her skin on mine, to taste her and show her that sex didn't have to be about power and dominance, it could be about love.

I felt Spencer respond to my kisses, her hands moving across my back, keeping me close to her. I moved my legs slightly so that I was straddling her hips, both of us groaning at the friction between the lower parts of our bodies.

Spencer swept her hands down to my hips and gripped them tightly in her strong hands. She slipped them up and let them slide underneath my top. I gasped at the sensation of her fingers running across my overheated skin.

I deepened the kiss and stroked my hands down from her cheeks to her shoulders. I slid the strap of her tank top down her arm and moved my lips from hers to taste the bare skin on her shoulder. I felt her writhe beneath me as I moved my lips along the exposed skin, making my way to her throat.

She arched her head back into the plush covers, her breath coming out in harsh pants. I took advantage of her exposed neck to lavish it with hot, opened mouth kisses. I raked my hands down over her sides until I reached her hips. Her hands were still under my top, clutching at my back to hold me close.

I slowly lifted her tank top slightly and ran my fingers over the smooth skin over her taught stomach muscles, which were trembling under my touch.

I kissed up her throat to her mouth and kissed her swollen lips tenderly before resting my forehead against her throat and nipping gently at the skin under my lips. I moved my hands gently, lifting her tank top as I went. I went slowly, almost reverently. I wanted to give her a chance to pull away if she needed to.

I slid her top up, over her bra covered breasts that were rising and falling erratically with her shallow breathing. Spencer sat up a little to let me pull her top over her head. Her whole body was trembling under my touch. I looked deeply into her eyes and saw fear.

I smiled lovingly and moved to lie beside her. There was no way I was doing this if she was scared. If she wasn't ready then we weren't going to go there.

I lay by her side, both of us breathing heavily. Spencer didn't ask why I stopped, she didn't need to. She knew I could read her and also knew that I would never push her in something before she was completely ready for it.

We lay in silence for a moment, each of us collecting ourselves a bit. I felt her roll onto her side and saw her rest her head in her hand so she could look down at me. Her ocean blue eyes were still clouded by a glimmer of fear, she looked so lost.

Spencer bit her lip before murmuring so softly I hardly heard her, "I'm so sorry Ash, the last woman I had sex with was Carmen and you know how well that turned out. I guess I'm just scared."

She lowered her eyes to look down at the bed covers. I reached up and cupped her cheek, turning her face so I could look into her breath-taking ocean blue eyes. I smiled affectionately up at her and said gently, "Spencer its ok, there is no rush here. We have all the time in the world, because I'm not going anywhere. When you're ready, then I'll be too. I just hope you know that I would never hurt you the way that Carmen and Tom did."

Spencer nodded and sighed sadly, "Of course I know that. Ashley I love you and I know you. You would never ever hurt me." Spencer reached out to tuck some lose strands of hair behind my ear, her fingers lingering on my cheek as she whispered, "God I want you so badly, so badly I don't know how I haven't gone insane. I guess I just need a little more time."

I leaned up and kissed her softly on her full lips, "Baby, you take all the time you need," I smirked up at her and said dryly, "I'm not going to lie to you, I want you desperately Spencer, but I will never push you into something you aren't ready for. When the time is right, we'll go there but not until you are totally ready."

Spencer smiled thankfully at me and kissed me again. "Thank you, so much. Do you think you could just hold me tonight? I just need to feel you with me."

I beamed and nodded, "Of course, but do you have something I can sleep in?"

Spencer grinned and climbed off the bed to get me a pair of boxer shorts and a tank top to sleep in. "Go change in the bathroom and by the time you're done I'll be changed for bed." She said with a smile. I kissed her chastely on the lips and headed into the bathroom.

I got changed and waited a few minutes, I kinda had to cool down a little bit. I was fine with waiting, but that didn't mean I wasn't really turned on. I'm only human after all. Once I felt a bit calmer I wandered out and found my girl lying under the covers. She was resting back against her pillows with a funny little smile on her face.

I placed my clothes on the love seat near her window and climbed into what had become my side of her bed. I pulled the covers up and opened my arms for her to snuggle into. Spencer nuzzled my neck and kissed the skin softly. She wrapped her arm around my waist and rested her body half over mine.

She sighed and whispered, "I'm sorry Ash and I am so grateful to you for stopping, for knowing me well enough to know I wasn't ready. Man it must have taken super human strength, coz I know even with my fear I could hardly bring myself to stop."

I laughed, "Oh God Spence you have no idea! That was one of the hardest things ever." She joined in with my laughter and soon we both had tears of laughter on our cheeks. Those were the only type of tears I ever wanted to see on my girls beautiful face. No more sad tears, only happy ones.

Once our laughter had died down to the occasional giggled I held her tighter and whispered, "I know you Blue, the good thing about us is that we can read each other. Your eyes are so expressive that I can pretty much always tell what you're thinking, even when you're trying to hide it from me."

Spencer chuckled and nodded, "Yeah I know, trying to hide things from you is a bitch!"

"Well then don't hide from me Baby, you don't ever have to hide yourself from me, not ever," I murmured, running my fingers through her sun-kissed blonde tresses.

"I promise," she whispered back, tightening her hold on my stomach. I kissed her forehead and snuggled closer, closing my eyes as her warm breath caressed the skin across my chest.

Safe in my arms my girl fell into a peaceful sleep.

**Song used in this chapter**

**Let It Out by Within Reason**


	41. Talk It Over

**Wow thank you all so much!**

lilce1992, Harley Quinn Davidson – I know! I love her

shayer – Thank you so much. Haha actually my intentions we a little of both, to tease you all and to stay true to how Spencer would be feeling after being sexually assaulted. I drew on my experiences working with victims and this is what I came up with. You're right, it was not the right time for that to happen, but I do promise that it will happen.

uluvme – Thank you. Saint Spencer and Angel Ashley…so very true! Oh and Spashley loving will happen, just not until its right.

imaferrari – Hehe ok, quality time was had. Thank you! I think Spencer and Ashley are almost more intimate than many people who are having sex. Like you I know very few couples like that and I am hoping for the day when I get to be one of them

bethers85 – Yeah I get you. I agree, justice for Spencer will help give some closure on not only what Tom did to her, but also what Carmen did. Thank you

DarceLynn – LOL sadly no, if I did have a spare Ashley I think I would be keeping her all to myself! I think we could all use our very own Ashley

WillowOn3 – yeah I love me some Thai food! Oh yes the loving will happen as will the court case, soon my friend.

mutt009 – Yeah Tom and Carmen really messed her up. The trial will be a big part of helping Spencer move on properly. Hehe yeah Ashley singing to Spencer is pretty cute!

Your Relentless Lover – Oh me too, I hope I can find this type of love! I agree, no one should ever experience what Spencer has. Thank you so much!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-One – ****Talk It Over**

Spencer's POV

Rubbing my eyes tiredly I stepped out of my car and swung my purse up onto my shoulder. I locked my car and made my way into the familiar building. I checked in with the receptionist and took a seat to wait for Christa, my counsellor to finish with her current client so she could see me.

It had been two days since I'd met with the prosecutor, and two days since Ashley and I had almost made love. I had been thinking about both pretty much constantly since then and figured what better way to sort out my messed up head than to come and talk to someone about it.

I flicked anxiously through one of the out dated People magazines in the waiting room and tried to settle my nerves. Coming to my counsellor's office was in no way a new experience for me, yet every time I walked through the doors I felt a nervous fluttering in my stomach. I guess it was just because it was hard to talk about everything.

I honestly don't think that talking about all this will ever get easier, but I do know that every day I get a little better at coping with it all. I still have my dark days, my bad moments, but I am miles from where I was even before Tom and what happened. I'd say a lot of that has to do with the wonder that is Ashley Davies.

I glanced up as the door to her office opened and smiled when Christa beckoned me forward with a warm smile. "Hello Spencer, come one in."

I followed her into the familiar office and took my usual seat in an over stuffed arm chair. I placed my bag at my feet and waited for Christa to sit down with her note pad and pen. She grinned over at me and said, "So how are you doing Spencer?"

I sighed and ran my hand through my long blonde hair, "I'm not great to tell you the truth."

Christa slid her glasses off and smiled at me in concern, "Ok, well how about you tell me what's going on?"

I shrugged, "I have no clue where to start really, my head is kind of jumbled."

Christ nodded, "Ok then I want you to just tell me what was the first thing that flew into your head when you woke up this morning?"

I thought back and then cracked a tiny smile while blushing a little, "Well it was Ashley."

Christa grinned, "Great, so what were you thinking about Ashley?"

"I was thinking how much I love her and how lucky I am that she loves me enough to stand by me through everything that has happened. I know it can't have been easy for her. She has been my friend, confidante and punching bag…oh and _almost_ lover," I replied, the last part said with some anger. Anger that was directed solely at myself.

"_Almost _lover? What do you mean by that Spencer?" Christa asked, making note of something on her note pad.

I blushed a little more and started fidgeting with my fingers, "Well uh, we kind of almost had sex for the first time the other night."

"Ok did you want to try talking about what happened?" Christa probed carefully.

I sighed and bit my lip. I nodded slightly and kept my gaze fixed on the window behind Christa so I could avoid her eyes. I murmured softly, "So two days ago was a big day, a kind of shitty day truth be told."

"What happened Spencer? Why was it such a bad day?" She asked kindly.

"I went and saw the prosecutor on Tom's case and she kind of put me through the ringer. I mean she wasn't mean or anything but she did question me like she thought the public defender might when I get on the stand. I know she did it to prepare me, but it just freaked me out," I mumbled, clenching my hands into tight fists.

"Ok be specific, what freaked you out?" Christa probed lightly. She was good at knowing when to subtly push me and when to back off, this was a push moment.

"The way she came at me it was like I was the one on trial, like I was the one who had to clear my name. It was like I was the one who had done something wrong and needed to be proved innocent. She pushed me, picked apart my story of what happened like it was one big lie. I know, intellectually, that is was the right thing for her to do. Letting me take the stand unprepared would be really unprofessional and down right stupid, but it doesn't change the fact that it got under my skin and left me out of sorts," I explained, still keeping my eyes locked on the sky I could see outside of her office window.

"That would have been extremely hard to face Spencer and just because intellectually you know it was meant to help you in the long run, it doesn't mean that it wasn't an awful experience to go through," Christa said softly, her eyes full of empathy.

"But if I can't even deal with all this in the safety of the lawyer's office then how the hell am I going to cope on the stand in a court room full of people judging me and with Tom sitting there feeding them lies about me and what happened that morning? How the hell am I meant to deal with this?" I cried in desperation as I fought off the urge to have a full blown panic attack.

Christa lay down her pen and sighed, "Spencer the trial is going to be difficult for you, of that I have no doubt. It is going to be an experience that dredges up memories and emotions that are still so fresh for you. It is going to be hard and challenging for you to face and there isn't much we can do to prevent that. All we can do is try and find ways to help you cope through this."

I nodded and stared down at my hands which I was now clenching into tight fists in my lap. Christa swept her eyes over me, taking in the tense body language, "Spencer tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

"I'm scared," I whispered after a few moments pause.

"Scared of what exactly?" She asked softly.

I let out a bitter little breath and muttered harshly, "Every fucking thing."

"Can you be specific?" Christa asked calmly, not rising to the bitter tone in my voice.

I rubbed my now tired and stinging eyes and rolled my shoulder back trying to relieve some of the tension in my body. It didn't help at all. I raised my eyes to hers and mumbled, "I'm scared that I will never completely get over what Tom and Carmen did to me, I'm scared I will never be able to forgive my mother for all she has done to me and my family, I'm scared that Tom will get off and then I'll have to live with the knowledge that he is walking the streets and most of all I am fucking scared that I will never be able to have a full relationship with Ashley."

"Well all of those things are legitimate reasons to be frightened. I'd say anyone would feel exactly the same way in this situation. It's interesting that you say that what scares you the most is never having a full relationship with Ashley? What do you mean by that?" She asked gently.

I bit my lip as I thought about her question. I was one big ball of issues when it came to all this relationship stuff. It was like I would take a step forward then trip, fall on my ass and be like four steps back. It really did suck to be me sometimes.

"I guess I'm scared that my insecurities will mean that I am always holding back from her a bit, that I can never really be completely _with _her. I'm scared that she will get fed up waiting for me to sort out my shit and find someone else. Someone who doesn't have quite the amount of baggage that I do," I said in a small voice, devoid of any emotion but apprehension.

Christa sat up straighter and locked her eyes on mine, "Spencer from what you've told me Ashley loves you very much so I doubt she will ever get fed up with waiting until you are ready. What you have been through is trauma that most people will never experience and there is no right way to cope with it. You can't push yourself into being ready to move on, it will happen when it's right and not a second before."

I closed my eyes and felt my face twist in anguish, "But I want to be with her so badly. I want to be able to hold her and take our relationship to a whole new level of intimacy. I feel like I am teasing her, particularly after the other day. We got so close. We were on my bed, making out and then she took my top off. I panicked. I didn't say anything I guess I felt like I had to let her do what she wanted."

Christa leaned forward a little more and asked gently, "For the record, you _never _have to do something just because it's what someone else wants. You have control Spencer, over your body and you choices. No one has the right to do whatever they want to you. So what happened then?"

"She stopped. She had just lifted my top over my head and then she looked down into my eyes and I guess she saw how scared I was and she stopped. I didn't have to tell her I was scared, she just knew. She can always just read how I'm feeling. I swear that girl knows me better than I know myself. She moved off me and just held me in her arms. She was so understanding and so loving," I murmured as my tears started to fall.

Christa handed over the box of tissues and gave me a moment to collect myself. "So if she stopped and was so understanding then why does that make you cry Spencer?"

I felt my lower lip tremble as I tried to control my cries, "Because she shouldn't have to be so understanding. She is the most incredible woman and she deserves to be with someone who can make love to her and someone who is not carrying around the amount of baggage that I am. She deserves better that this."

Christa smiled warmly at me, "Spencer you don't get to be the judge of that. Ashley is the only person who gets to decide if you are who she wants to be with and I'd say based on everything you say about her she is totally, butt-crazy in love with you. You think you're holding her back, but I'd say you are what keeps her going."

I locked my eyes on hers, looking to see if she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. Seeing nothing by sincerity I flashed her a small, tight smile, "Maybe you're right. I just can't help but think she would be better off not being lumped with all my drama. I've tried walking away from her for her own good and I didn't get far before she pulled me back in. Even when my head is telling me to run and save her from my shit, my heart won't let me leave."

"We all make choices Spencer and Ashley chose to be with you. She knows what you've been through and knows how you've struggled. She has gone into this relationship with her eyes open. Ashley loves you and I know she doesn't feel like she's being burdened by what you've been through. Love is about being there for the good times and the bad," Christa said sagely.

"I know and I don't think I would be getting through all this without her, I just can't help but feel bad. Oh and to be quite frank, I am getting a tad frustrated," I said with a frown.

"Frustrated how?" Christa asked, although the expression on her face told me she had a fair idea what my frustration was. I hate that I can be so transparent!

That was my cue to blush again, "Well, uh, um frustrated _sexually_ speaking. Ok I admit it! I want sex. She turns me on and I want to be with her, I just need to get my stupid head to shut the hell up and stop making me so scared!"

I swear to God I saw Christa trying to smoother her laughter, but then again maybe I was just being paranoid. She smiled kindly and said, "Spencer that is perfectly natural. The fact that you love and want her is a good thing. There is no rush, when you're ready to take your relationship to the next level then you'll know it. Just don't be too hard on yourself."

I nodded and turned to look out the window again. I liked the window, I liked seeing the sky, it was soothing to me. I didn't reply, I just let her words swim around in my head for a bit. She was a wise woman that counsellor of mine. At the same time though it was easy to believe all that while sitting in the safety of her office, but a whole other kettle of fish to walk the talk once I went out into the big bad world.

"Spencer you have come such a long way and in a fairly short amount of time. You need to stop thinking about the negative here and instead focus on the positive. From what you've told me there was a point after what Tom did that you couldn't even let people touch you so please don't discount how far you've come," Christa said into the comfortable silence that had settled over us.

I bit my lip and nodded, "God that all feels like a lifetime ago. I remember being so angry, so scared. I felt permanently tainted by him and the thought of letting her close enough to see the darkness that was growing in me was just incomprehensible. I didn't want to poison her life with my damage. I thought I was broken."

"And now?"

"And now I know I wasn't broken, just a little damaged. I just have a hard time occasionally," I murmured softly.

"That is to be expected Spencer. The healing process for something like this is not simple. We just take it a moment at a time. All you can do is your best Spencer," Christ said with a warm grin.

"What if I never get there, I mean what if the damage is just too great and I can never let her all the way in. What if I never completely get over what has happened to me?" I asked in a scared little voice.

Christa took a moment to consider her words, you could see her carefully thinking about what she was going to say. "Spencer you may never fully get over what has happened to you. In fact you will probably always carry it with you. But that doesn't mean that you aren't going to live a full and rich life. What has happened to you will never go away, it will always be there as just part of your past. Eventually it will hurt less and impact your day to day life less. As for Ashley, well that is up to you."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"I mean the choice to let her all the way in or to keep holding back just a little is yours. Only you can decide it is time to let her completely in and that shouldn't happen until you are ready," Christa paused and then smiled over at me, "Can I say something to you?"

"Um well yeah, isn't that why I'm here?"

"Not quite, you're here to talk, but this time I have some advice I think you should listen to. Spencer I think you _are_ ready to let her all the way in. I think you are holding back more because you are scared to let her all the way in and risk everything if you lose her. I'm not saying that what has happened to you isn't playing a part here, but I do think that there is more to this story," Christa said with a small smile.

I shook my head and smiled a little, "gotta risk it all to win big huh?"

Christa chuckled at that and nodded, "Yeah something like that. Now that is time so how you feeling now?"

"I'm ok, you've given me a hell of a lot to think about," I said with a dry grin.

"I hope so. I'll see you in a week?"

"Yeah, thanks I'll see you then," I said as I grabbed my bag and got to my feet. Christa walked me to the door and waved as I walked out.

I wandered down the hall and made my way to my Dad's office where I found him stuffing his face with French fries. I chuckled and called from his door way, "That shit will wind up killing you old man!"

Dad smiled at me and stuffed a huge handful of the fries in his mouth with a smirk. I laughed and wandered over to give him a kiss on the cheek before taking a seat across from his desk.

Dad swallowed his mouthful of fries and beamed over at me, "So how are you Sweetie?"

I smiled back and replied, "I'm alright Dad, just had an appointment with Christa which went well I think."

Dad nodded and held out the fries for me to take some. I rolled my eyes and took a generous handful. He wouldn't push me to talk about my counselling sessions, he respected the sanctity of the sessions and wouldn't over step the boundaries.

"Well you know if you need anything kiddo you just have to ask," He said softly. I smiled gratefully and nodded. "Well I went and saw Jamie and Katie this morning and they are doing well. Jamie is going to be a charmer I reckon," Dad said with a fond smile as he talked about his first grandchild.

"Oh yeah with all that Carlin DNA the kid has no choice, he is going to be a heart breaker," I said with a grin.

"Ah yes the Carlin DNA, that's some good genes isn't it?" Dad teased with a twinkle in his blue eyes. I laughed and stole a few more of his fries, those things were addictive.

"Sure is, look at me!" I smiled and then let my expression become serious, "Dad do you think you will ever forgive Mom?" I asked softly. Yes I am well aware there was no seg-way to that question but it had been on my mind since I saw her at the prosecutor's office the other day.

My Dad dropped the napkin he had been using to wipe the grease from the fries off his fingers. He swallowed thickly and took a moment before locking his eyes on mine and answering, "Spencer I honestly don't know if I can ever forgive your mother and even if I can I don't know if I will ever want to get back together with her. Long before the stuff that happened with you we were having problems. She just isn't the woman I fell in love with." Dad sighed and ran his hand through this thick, dark hair, "Everything that happened just made me realise that she was not the woman I thought she was. I don't know if I can ever get past what has happened," he said softly.

I nodded slowly and murmured, "Me either."

Dad rose from his seat and knelt down in front of me, "Kiddo whatever happens I want you to know that I love you, no matter who you are. If you can forgive your mother I'll support you, if you can't well I'll support you then as well. No matter what the coming months bring you know I will always be in your corner."

I flung myself into my Dad's arms and held him close, too choked up to get any words out of my mouth. I love my Dad so much. He is the best father in the entire world and I am so lucky to have him.

I held onto him for the longest time, relishing the safety and love I felt being in his big, strong arms. My Dad could always make me feel so safe. The only other person who had the effect on me was Ashley.

After I released my Dad from my death grip I smiled gratefully at him, I really lucked out when it came to my Dad. Shame about my mother I guess.

We chatted for a bit longer, about easier, happier topics like Jamie and the band and then I kissed him good bye and headed off to meet the band at the studio. Our first single was being launching in a week and we were putting in extra hours in the studio to get it perfect and also to work on finishing out debut album.

Despite the drama in my personal life I couldn't help but be extremely excited about the way my musical career was going. It was all really happening.


	42. Pella Launch

**Thanks everyone!**

imaferrari – Hehe thanks, Christa is fun to write, I get to draw on my past social work experience (I was a practicing social worker). I agree, she was trying not to laugh! When our girls get together it will be electric, well I hope. Thanks again!

bethers85 – lol I agree and yep French fries are awesome!

mutt009 – Thanks, I love Arthur too. I used the counseling session as a means of showing everyone what Spencer's thought process is

uluvme – Oh hell yeah! I think Spencer's sexual frustration is more than understandable! Ah yeah French fries are yum!

WillowOn3 – I enjoy writing the counseling sessions, it gives an insight to Spencer's thought processes. Thank you! Yeah Ashley ain't going anywhere

Harley Quinn Davidson – Thanks!

DarceLynn – The counseling is for that purpose, the third party perspective and also an insight into Spencer's thoughts. Sadly I don't have a spare Mr. C either, I'll check in the back!

LostTreex3 – Wow thank you! That means so much. I love writing, it's my escape and the fact the other people actually like what I write is mind blowing. Thank you again

shayer – Thank you my friend. I like writing something that's real, it's more cathartic for me lol. Yeah if only all father's could be like Arthur, its sad how most fathers do not live up to the fiction version

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Two – Pella Launch**

Ashley's POV

I bit my lip nervously and shuffled a little from foot to foot as I finished getting ready in the back room of Pella. Tonight was the night that our very first single was being launched and amid all the excitement there was also extreme nerves and anxiety. This was promising to be a huge night for the band.

I kept looking around me for Spencer, she was changing upstairs in her apartment and Julian was being a jerk and not letting me go with her. He figured we'd distract one another, and he wasn't totally wrong but the distraction would not happen in the way he thought it would.

It had been over a week since our almost...god I don't even know what to call it. I guess it was the night we almost made love. I will admit that it took more self-restraint than I thought I possessed to stop that night, I wanted her so very much. It would be so much more than sex between us, it would be a new level of intimacy. I couldn't do it though, Spencer had been so upset that day and since then there had been an air of anguish around her that hadn't been there before. I was pretty concerned about my blonde beauty.

We hadn't really been any kind of intimate since that night, we hadn't even really kissed all that much. It wasn't like that was all our relationship was about, but I was concerned by the almost total absence. My concern wasn't for myself, my concern was what it meant if Spencer was pulling away from me again. She let me hold her in my arms, but at the same time it sometimes felt like she wasn't totally there. I remembered all too well how painful it had been just after Tom attacked her when she kept pushing me away, I never wanted to relive those weeks again.

I was also scared that this was only the beginning and that things were going to get worse for her. Tom's trial started the next day, I think our publicist (Mr. Flint's partner Colin) purposefully organised the launch for the night before to focus attention on the single launch rather than the trial. So far he had been good at keeping it out of the media which we all appreciated. I was scared of how Spencer would react if this became a media circus.

Spencer had suffered so much and I didn't want her to hurt any more. She was already dealing with so much and I was scared that the trial was going to be more than she could bear. Not to mention the fact that I was shitting myself about having to take the stand. Spencer wasn't the only one who was haunted by that day, but I had to be strong for her. She needed me.

Spencer had been seeing her counsellor a fair bit in the lead up to the trial. She even let me drive her one time, which was a big step. I think she usually only went once a week or so but she was taking a pre-emptive action to try and forestall the looming darkness. She was trying so hard to be ok, but I could tell she had a lot on her mind.

The only time Spencer had been truly herself the past week was while we were working on the music that was her safe place. She found comfort and peace in the music and at the moment that seemed to be one of the few ways I could help her.

We had been locked in the studio the past week, getting everything for the single just right and also working on developing our debut album. The really exciting part had been the two days we spent filming the music video for Breakeven. That had been awesome fun and the look of joy on Spencer's face the entire time had made my heart soar.

I wandered out of the little change room and joined Jen and Grey on the sofa out the back. Julian was getting ready with Spencer in her apartment. I think he missed spending time with her one on one. They were best friends and I think he missed her.

I watched as Grey wrapped his wrist up before putting on his leather cuffs. He always wrapped his wrists before a gig, playing put so much strain on his joints. I picked up his drum sticks and began tapping out a little beat, which made both of them laugh at me.

I was just starting to rock out into a pretty rad beat when I heard the unmistakable sound of Spencer clearing her throat behind me. I blushed bright red as Jen and Grey laughed loudly and turned around to face her, my jaw hitting the floor when I did. Damn, my girl is breath-taking!

Spencer smiled shyly at me as I let my eyes drink her in. she was wearing a pair of tight, dark blue skinny jeans with a white button up shirt. The shirt only had the two middle buttons done up, so when the blonde moved it showed off her toned abs and the tattoo on her hip while leaving the top of a black bra on display. Over the shirt Spencer had on a loosely knotted, thin black tie that I really wanted to grab a hold of. Her hair was in a neat ponytail and she had her customary Converses on her feet, these ones being classic black, but with blue detail and laces. Her ocean blue eyes were lined with black eye liner so that they popped. She was every inch the rocker princess.

Spencer stepped up and used her finger to push my chin up to close my mouth, "It's rude to stare at people like that Ashley," She teased before giggling and walking over to hug Jen and Grey hello.

Julian walked in behind her, carrying her bass and violin. He took one look at my still stunned expression and laughed, "Damn Davies, I knew you were going to go a little brain dead at the sight of your hot girlfriend, but I didn't expect you to go mute!"

I glared at him and moved over to sit next to Spencer on the sofa. The party was about to begin, we were just waiting from the cue from Derek that it was time to go out and perform. I'd snuck a glance into the bar and it was packed with people. Some were friends and family, others were label execs and producers along with other big names in the industry. It was pretty damn exciting!

We would be playing a short set of songs, all the ones we had put on our demo actually. Of course Breakeven would be the last one played and then we would officially launch the single and play the music video for the first time. I was so excited and anxious I was about 98 per cent certain I was going to vomit.

I felt Spencer's hand grab mine and squeezed back. I smiled nervously over at her and she leaned over to rest her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and slung an arm around her shoulders.

"You excited Baby?" I asked softly while the others chatted around us.

Spencer nodded and flashed me a gorgeous smile, "Yeah I am, this is so huge! I can't believe that tomorrow morning people will actually be able to _buy_ our single that is beyond amazing!"

"Yeah it is, it still all feels like a crazy dream to me," I said grinning like a crazy person, my nerves forgotten as I stared into her big blue eyes.

Spencer opened her mouth to respond but was cut off when Derek's assistant stuck her head backstage and told us it was time for the show to begin.

Julian grabbed a hand each from Spencer and me and pulled us to our feet, earning a giggle from my blonde girlfriend. He pulled the entire band into a massive group hug which resulted in me getting stabbed by one of Grey's drum sticks. It kind of hurt so I elbowed Julian so the pain was shared, I'm giving like that.

We broke apart and walked out to the edge of the stage, Julian rubbing his now bruised ribs, ready to walk out once Mr. Flint gave us the go ahead, he would be introducing us along with Derek.

Julian and I slung on our guitars, while Spencer adjusted the strap of her bass and Jen and Grey each bounced excitedly on the balls of their feet, Grey air drumming away with his drum sticks, eager to be out on stage and performing to the huge crowd.

I peeked out of the curtain, moving to the side slightly to let Spencer peer out beside me. Mr. Flint and Derek approached the microphone to loud applause. They smiled out over the crowd and waited until they quietened down before Mr. Flint stepped up to the microphone. "Welcome ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight is a momentous occasion, tonight we are here to release the debut single, Breakeven, from an amazing band Fear Itself. Fear Itself have a raw, powerful quality and Island Records is honoured to be able to be a part of their journey."

Derek stepped up to the microphone and Mr. Flint stepped back as the audience applauded loudly. Derek flashed the audience a blinding white smile and started to speak, "Fear Itself comprises outstanding musical talent and a fierce song writing ability that is rare in the industry. They are powerful musicians and damn amazing people. It is with great pleasure that I introduce the band," Derek paused to allow the crow to clap enthusiastically, "First up we have Grey on drums!"

Grey stepped out onto the stage and flashed a shy grin to the crowd as he took his place behind the drum kit.

"Next we have Jen on keyboard," Derek announced. Jen stepped onto the stage and waved to the audience as she flipped her now collar-bone length auburn hair behind her. She stepped over to the keyboard and beamed.

"On vocals, cello and guitar we have Julian." Jules kissed Spencer on the cheek before slipping through the curtain to the stage. The crowd applauded loudly and he just lapped it up, running a hand through his shaggy black hair. I heard a few distinctive fan girl screams at that move.

"Also on vocals and on lead guitar we have Ashley." I pecked my girl on the lips and stepped out onto the stage. The sight of the crowd cheering and clapping made my grin impossibly huge. I waved out at them and moved to my microphone to the right of Julian.

"And lastly we have the blonde-bombshell herself, on vocals, bass and violin, Spencer!"

I clapped along with the crowd as she stepped through the curtains. Her big blue eyes were twinkling with excitement as she beamed out at the audience with a cute little wave. She strode over to her microphone to the left of Julian and waved to the crowd before plugging her bass into the amp.

We all readied our instruments as Derek and Mr. Flint walked off stage. We all looked to Spencer as she stepped up to her microphone and graced the crowd with a dazzling smile, "Wow thank you for that warm welcome! Tonight is a big night for us, we will officially be releasing our first single, Breakeven, but first we would like to play a few songs for you. This first one is called I Wanna."

Spencer looked over at me and winked. Her confidence on stage was extraordinary, all her fear melted away and all that was left was this amazing, talented rocker-chick. It was hot. I grinned and blushed a little. I knew this song was about me and it made me feel all tingly when I heard it. I mean have you listened to the lyrics? They are pretty hot.

We jumped right into the music and belted out the song. The crowd was getting so into it, it was the best kind of rush. Julian and Spencer sung the last chorus and the crowd went wild. Spencer and I shared a look across the stage as Julian stepped up to his microphone.

"Hey thanks! The next song is a pretty special one, it was written and will be sung by Ashley here and a little known fact is that it is about our drop-dead gorgeous bass player!" Julian announced.

I exchanged my electric guitar for an acoustic one and started strumming. We had decided that Spencer's and mine relationship would not be kept hidden, in fact we wanted it in the open so there wouldn't end up being a whole heap of rumours about our supposed relationship. It was amazing to me how ok with going public Spencer was. My girl had come such a long way in the time I had known her.

I flashed Spencer a grin and started singing By Your Side, a song I had written for Spencer. The audience got really into it, swaying to the slower music with their honeys and some even singing along to the chorus. I finished the song to loud, rambunctious applause.

I took back my electric guitar and grinned over at Jen as she leaned into her microphone, "Damn you guys are awesome! Next up we have a song co-written by Ashley and Spencer called Perfect Way To Meet!"

We launched into the song, which was yet again received enthusiastically by the crowd. It was inconceivable how amazing this was going!

The next song we played was Leaving. Spencer stepped around Julian to join me at my microphone. She sung her verses over my shoulder and stayed close by while I sung my part. She was so close during the choruses that I could feet her body heat. The crowd loved it and went insane. I guess two hot lesbians singing in close proximity to each other is a bit of a turn on. I'll admit it may have gotten me a little hot.

After we'd finished Julian leaned into his microphone and said, "Whoa that was hot!" the crowd roared their agreement, "Ok onto the next song, this one was written by Ashley for our Spencer yet again, yep they are the couple that is so sickly cute you want to throw up!" the crowd laughed and Spencer and I mockingly glared at him.

I stepped up to the microphone as Spencer and Julian exchanged their bass and guitar for a violin and cello respectively. I retook my acoustic guitar and smiled out at the crowd, "Please feel free to ignore Julian, we do!" the crowd laughed and I continued, "This song is called Come Down To Me."

Jen started playing the melody on the keyboard and Spencer soon joined in with the violin. Julian and I began playing as I started singing the lyrics. This song was pretty emotional, but I loved to play it. I loved the melody and lyrics and I especially loved hearing Spencer and Julian playing the violin and cello.

The crowd swayed to the music, I even saw a few people with tears on their cheeks. It was pretty humbling. We played the last note and the crowd roared their approval.

Julian beamed at the crowd and spoke into the microphone, "So you guys liked that one huh? Awesome. The next song was written by Spencer and is called The Resolution."

We started playing and Julian winked at my girl before he started singing the lyrics that were so close to her heart. I loved this song, it was one of my favourites I'd have to say. The audience got really into the song, it was full of desperation and longing and very relatable which I think was part of what made it such an amazing piece of music.

We played through the songs we'd had on our demo, all of us getting insanely buzzed on the music and the reaction of the crowd. Spencer looked so hot under the stage lights, her face was flushed with excitement and exertion as she stepped up to the microphone again, it had been unanimously decided that she would be the main spokes person for the band tonight.

Spencer beamed and laughed at the almost riot of applause and cheers filling the bar, "Thanks, you have all been so amazing. Now it is my great pleasure, on behalf of my band mates and Island Records, to officially launch the debut single from Fear Itself, Breakeven. Breakeven is a song close to my own heart, it was written about a pretty difficult time in my life and has helped me to find peace. This is Breakeven."

Spencer started strumming her bass and Julian and I soon joined in on our guitars. Spencer closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them as she started to sing. I always got chills when I heard her sing, without fail. Her voice was husky and strong while still being raw and vulnerable with emotion. I fell in love with her voice the first time I heard it and I fell more each and every time I was privileged enough to hear it again.

As we played the song a screen to the side of the stage showed the music video we had filmed for the song. The video had been so fun to make. I had been on the set of music videos before while my Dad was still alive, but nothing compared to actually being in a music video myself. It was made even better by the fact that I had Spencer and the band with me.

The video depicted Spencer (as it was her song) in various locations as she sung the song. The whole video had an air of sadness and desperation which was exactly the feel of the song. The video also flashed to scenes of the band playing and singing in a club, which was of course Pella. You could feel the pain in the music, see the aftermath of a breakup. I was pretty impressed with it and quite frankly Spencer looked so beautiful.

We played the last notes of Breakeven and the entire club burst into thunderous applause, so loud you could feel the floor and the walls shaking. It was intense. We all looked at each other and laughed as we grinned and waved to the crowd. We stepped back through the curtains and were pulled into a massive, albeit sweaty, group hug by Julian.

Once we had hugged it out we all headed off to get freshened up before joining the party out in the bar.

I held Spencer's hand as we walked out from behind the stage, refreshed and ready to celebrate. Everyone clapped as the band reappeared and soon we were swamped with people eager to congratulate us and tell us what they thought of the music.

I lost Spencer in the crowd after a little while and when I finally located her I couldn't help the stirring of jealousy I felt. I recognised the girl standing with _my_ girl immediately. It was Kate, her first love. This was the girl who inspired Spencer to write Breakeven in the first place. She clearly meant a hell of a lot to Spencer.

The shorter woman with dark blonde hair and shining emerald green eyes was laughing at something Spencer had said, while the taller blonde giggled and rested a hand on Kate's arm. I knew it was totally innocent, I knew my girl loved me and that we were solid, but I couldn't help but have a little flash of jealousy.

I excused myself from the entertainment lawyer I had been pretending to listen to and wandered over to Spencer and Kate. I forced a smile onto my face and stepped up to them. I wrapped my arm around Spencer's waist and leaned into her as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"Hey Brown. Kate, do you remember Ashley?" Spencer said with a huge grin.

Kate smiled kindly at me and nodded, "Yeah I do, hi Ashley I don't think we met officially last time around, I'm Kate."

I nodded and smiled back, a tad less enthusiastically, "Well it's nice to officially meet you. Spencer has told me a lot about you."

Kate chuckled and raised her eyebrow at Spencer, "Oh really, I'm a tad scared Blondie," I almost flinched when she called Spencer Blondie, it kind of irked me that Kate could call her that but no one else was allowed to. Although knowing the story behind why I guess I got it. "Well Ashley, Spencer has told me a lot about you. Every time I've spoken to her on the phone you're all she talks about."

"Really? I didn't know you guys had been talking," I said looking at Spencer who was fidgeting slightly beside me.

Kate looked a little uncomfortable and smiled awkwardly, "Well I'd better go mingle, congrats again I am so proud of you Blondie, I'll talk to you soon. It was nice to see you Ashley." Kate wandered off and I slipped my arm off Spencer's waist.

Spencer sighed and pulled her arm that had been resting around my shoulders back. "Before you say anything let me explain," Spencer rushed to say.

I nodded for her to continue. "Ok so Kate and I have spoken on the phone a few times since the last time I saw her. It has been purely platonic and really mostly just me talking her ear off about you and the band. I also told her about Carmen and Tom, she's my friend and I needed her to know. But a friend is all she is to me anymore. The reason I never said anything is simply because I forgot. I have had so much on my mind that it honestly slipped my mind that you didn't know. I was never trying to hide anything from you and I hope you believe that," Spencer said, the whole time keeping her eyes locked on mine so I could read the sincerity in them.

I flashed her a smile and nodded, "Yeah ok I believe you, just next time could you maybe remember to tell me?"

Spencer grinned coyly, "I promise. Kate is a friend Ashley, what I felt for her when we were together pales in comparison to what I feel for you now. Kate once told me that I look at you in a way that I never looked at her, she said that while she was my first love, you are my forever love. She was right. Kate is still important to me, but you are the _most_ important."

I gazed into her eyes and then leaned forward to crash our lips together. I guess I kinda liked Kate now after hearing what she said. I reached up to cup Spencer's face in my hands and hers reached around me to clutch at my back. I was oblivious to the crowd of people around us, all that mattered was the woman in my arms who was the owner of my heart, as corny as that sounds.

I kissed her until I literally was going to pass out from a lack of oxygen. Spencer chuckled breathlessly and pecked me a few quick times on the lips before stepping back a little. She grinned as she ran her hand over her flushed cheeks. I laughed and took her hand in mine.

It felt like it had been a long time since I got to touch her like that. I had missed her. Over a week is a long time to go without touching her like that. In fact thirty seconds was far too long to go without her touch.

It was crazy how much I loved her and how much I _craved_ her. Spencer Carlin you have ruined me!


	43. I'm Ready

**Thank you readers and reviewers!**

**I am so sorry I took a while to post, work went nuts and then I had to go on a business trip so I gots busy.**

**The trial is not in this chapter but will be coming up soon!**

bethers85 – Thanks! Breakeven is one of my all time favs

Your Relentless Lover – I plan to keep Kate around, she is a good influence on Spencer. The trial is coming up and of course I am not going to give you any hints about how its going to go!

imaferrari – Thanks! I put a lot of myself into my characters and the part where Ashley elbowed Julian to 'share the pain' is very much so something I would and have done. I think its awesome you have playlists based on my fics! I totally do too. The song Perfect Way to Meet is by and Australian band, Kisschasy, who I adore. Their music is rad! I love writing the band performing! Kate is not going to come between our girls, she is just a means to give Spencer a little push. But I agree, Ashley's jealousy was understandable. Ah lol electric storm…enjoy this chapter

Harley Quinn Davidson – LOL yeah I wouldn't mind being ruined by Spencer Carlin or Ashley Davies either! Thanks

uluvme – Hehe true, I think its safe to say Ashley has no competition at all for Spencer's heart, it's a done deal. Nope no trial in this chapter, next one maybe!

DarceLynn – Thank you, I wanted some happiness before the trial

mutt009 – lol sorry for the scare! The trial will be on soon!

WillowOn3 – Well I like a whipped Ashley, it's nice to see the badass all whipped over a girl! Jules is awesome and yes I will be telling you all about the court case very soon!

shayer – I love this Ashley too, I was real and with me lol. Haha glad you liked the kiss, sometimes my imagination is a fun place to be!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Three – I'm Ready**

Ashley's POV

The launch party had been a complete success. The whole band had gotten mobbed by people as soon as we had returned from back stage and it was unanimously agreed by everyone we had spoken to at the launch that the single would do well. It was due in stores the next day and was already available on ITunes which was majorly exciting.

We spent the night meeting industry power players, fans and catching up with family and friends (on in Spencer's case her _ex-_girlfriend…ok my Kate jealousy really is pretty much gone now, but she will still always be my girl's first and that makes me envy her just a tad. I mean come on, our bands first single was all about this girl, I think a healthy amount of jealousy was ok).

After the party started to wrap up Spencer had come up to me and wrapped her arms around me. She kissed me softly on the lips and said sweetly, "Will you come back to my place tonight?"

I smiled tenderly and nodded, "of course," I murmured as I reconnected our lips. Spencer kissed me adoringly for a few more minutes before leading me over to our friends, band mates and family so we could say our goodbyes.

Once we'd said a quick goodbye to everyone Spencer took my hand and led me out of the bar. I followed behind my blonde as she led the way into her apartment. Spencer released my hand and wandered straight down to her music room to put her instruments back in their rightful places. No matter how late or how tired she was those instruments would always be put back in their proper places. Not doing so was not in her nature.

I leaned in the doorway after putting my bag, jacket and guitar down on her sofa in the living room. Spencer turned around to face me with a serene little smile on her face. She took a step closer and opened her arms to me. I crossed the room in hurried steps and wrapped my arms around her. We held each other close for a long time.

With her face buried in my neck I heard her whisper, "I'm sorry I have been so distant the past week, I have just been trying to get ok in my head. I needed to step back for a bit, but it was about me and not you. I love you Ashley."

Spencer pulled away first. She looked into my eyes, her gaze intense and almost burning me but I refused to look away. I couldn't bring myself to speak, that's how intense the moment was. Her eyes searched mine as her fingers reached up to caress my face. I stood still and let her finger tips trail over my skin, tracing my lips, cheeks and eyebrows. It was like she was discovering my face for the first time.

I felt my breath hitch as her fingers moved from my face to trail down my neck, causing goose bumps to rise all over my skin. She traced my collar bone and rested her palm over my frantically beating heart. Her blue eyes had darkened to the colour of the ocean at night. Her lips were parted slightly as her breathing became heavier with each touch of her fingers.

I bit my lower lip as it began to tremble, "Spence," I breathed out softly.

She cupped my cheek and stroked my cheek with her thumb, she smiled softly and whispered, "Come with me."

I nodded and took her offered hand. She led me from the music room and down the hall to her bedroom. She left me by the door and moved around the room lighting candles with a lighter I hadn't even noticed she had.

I followed her movements with my eyes, unable to tear my gaze from her. She paused underneath the nude sketch of herself that I had always admired and picked up the remote to her stereo system. She hit play and strode back towards me.

I held her gaze and smiled faintly when I recognised the song playing. Spencer stepped up until there were only inches between us. She tilted her head and smiled tenderly at me as she murmured, "Dance with me."

I couldn't form words so I just nodded and pulled her into my arms. We swayed as the music played through the speakers. It was strange but I felt that Spencer was trying to tell me something with the song she had chosen. Just before the first line started Spencer locked her eyes on mine and kissed me sweetly. I kept swaying us as the words began.

_Moment of honesty  
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight  
Whose it gonna be?  
I'm gonna sit right here  
And tell you while it comes to me  
If you have something to say  
You should say it right now_

You give me a feeling that I never felt before  
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it  
Its become something that's impossible to ignore  
And I can't take it  
I was wondering maybe  
Could I make you my baby  
If we do the unthinkable will it make us look crazy  
If you ask me I'm ready  
If you ask me I'm ready

I know u said to me  
"This is exactly how it should feel when its meant to be"  
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually  
If we gonna do something about it  
We should do it right now

You give me a feeling that I never felt before  
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it  
Its become something that's impossible to ignore  
Its what we make it  
I was wondering maybe  
Could I make you my baby  
If we do the unthinkable will it make us look crazy  
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm saying  
If you ask me I'm ready  
If you ask me I'm ready

Why give up before we try  
Feel the lows before the highs  
Clip our wings before we fly away  
I can't say I can't compare  
I'm suspended it the air  
Won't u come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe  
Could I make you my baby  
If we do the unthinkable will it make us look crazy  
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm saying  
If you ask me I'm ready  
If you ask me I'm ready

The last note faded out and I halted our swaying bodies and pulled back a little so I could look into her eyes. The line,_ 'if you ask me I'm ready,' _was playing over and over in my head. I couldn't help but wonder if it meant what I thought it meant. I looked into her eyes for answers and found all that and more.

Spencer leaned in and captured my lips in a fierce kiss full of passion and want. I gasped against her lips and she took the opportunity to delve her tongue into my mouth. I moaned at the contact and grasped at her back while her hands buried themselves in my hair.

Our kisses were hungry, but still sweet and tender. Spencer tilted her head and deepened the kiss as one of her hand drifted down to my shoulder and along my arm until she could intertwine our fingers.

Spencer broke our kiss and rested her forehead against mine as we both breathed heavily. She flashed me a wide grin that turned serious as she began walking over towards her bed, pulling me along behind her. I was reluctant to let things go any further, I didn't want to push her into something she wasn't ready for.

I stopped as she sat on the edge of the bed. Spencer tried to pull my body close to hers and I stepped back. She gazed up at me with her head tilted in confusion, "What's wrong Ash?" she asked huskily as she reached up to free her long blonde hair from its ponytail.

"I don't want to do something you aren't ready for, and if I get on that bed with you I am not going to want to stop touching you," I whispered softly, staring transfixed as she ran her fingers through her hair, combing out the kinks from the ponytail.

Spencer reached out and grabbed my hips in her strong hands. She brought me forward so that I was standing in between her legs. I met her ocean blue eyes and found in them a calm peace that hadn't been there before. She laced our fingers together and beamed up at me.

She bit her lip before murmuring in a voice husky with emotion, "I know, and I know you won't ever make me do something I am not ready for. So this is me telling you that I am ready. A week ago you knew without me having to tell you that I wasn't ready so tonight do you really need to ask me if I am? The trial tomorrow is going to suck in ways I can't even begin to imagine. It is going to be brutal and torturous and the only way I know that I am going to make it through is with you by my side."

I swallowed thickly and let her pull me down so that I was straddling her lap. I wrapped my arms around her neck and felt tears rise in my eyes. Spencer grinned a watery smile of her own up at me and whispered, "I love and I want, no, I _need _you. I need to feel you with me, your skin on mine. I need you to remind me that love doesn't have to hurt. I need you to touch me and help me forget the pain that other people have caused me. I need you to make love to me, because I am going crazy without your hands on my body."

I took a second to stare into her eyes, just a second to be totally sure she was as ready as she said she was. I found nothing in her eyes but love, confidence and desire. I grinned down at her and leaned in to crash our lips together. Spencer leaned back against the covers, pulling my body with her. I settled on top of her, propping myself up on my arms and knees so that I was hovering over her.

Spencer splayed her hands out over my back and pulled me down so that I was lying flush against her. She moaned at the contact and gazed up at me before moving a hand to the back of my neck so she could pull me down into a searing kiss. Her tongue came out to dance with mine, making me whimper slightly in the back of my throat. I could feel her heart pounding beneath me and knew mine was racing just as hard.

We kissed deeply, hungrily. Her hands made their way up the back of my top, her fingers tracing patterns on my now very overheated skin. I ran my hand down her arm, moving it to the two buttons done up on her shirt. I hesitated, playing with them but not undoing them.

Spencer broke our kiss and looked up into my eyes and whispered breathlessly, "Undo it Ash, its ok."

I grinned and connected our lips again as my fingers slowly popped open the buttons on her shirt. Her thin black tie was trailing down between her breasts that were encased in a black, lace bra. I slowly sat up and pulled her with me so I could push her shirt off her shoulders.

Spencer broke our kiss just long enough to pull my top over my head. She lay back on the bed again, bringing me with her. I had a hold of her tie in one hand and the other was at her shoulder, slowly sliding her bra strap down her arm. I pulled my lips from hers and ran a line of hot, open mouthed kisses down her throat and to her now bare shoulder.

Spencer gasped and writhed beneath me, her hands gripping at my back. I felt her move her hands to my shoulders and before I knew it my bra was being slid gently off me. I hadn't even felt her undo it, my sneaky girl! I rose up to let her pull it off. Spencer licked her lips as she took in the sight of my now bare chest. The look in her eyes made me feel more beautiful than I ever had in my life.

I hovered above her, both of us breathing heavily. Spencer bit her lip and raised a hand to cup my left breast. I let out a guttural moan and arched into her touch. Spencer smirked, clearly pleased with the reaction she'd drawn out of me, and began kneading the breast in her hand while bringing her other hand up to cup my cheek.

I was still gripping onto her tie, as I sat up again and pulled her with me. I sat on the bed and pulled her into my lap, her legs were around my waist, her hands now both on my breasts. I was gasping for air as she explored my chest for the first time, her thumbs stroking my nipples in the most torturous, yet wonderful way.

I reached around her back and tentatively unclasped her bra. I moved my hands to her bra straps, taking a second to look into her eyes before sliding them down her arms. Spencer reluctantly removed her hands from my breasts to allow me to take off her bra. I moved the fabric slowly off her body, giving her time to stop me if she needed to.

I finally got the bra off the dropped it over the side of her bed. I felt my breath hitch as I took in the sensual beauty of her body. She was perfection. Her body was toned, but still soft and feminine. Her skin had a natural tan to it and was so soft to the touch I could have been holding the finest silk in my hands.

I kept my eyes locked on hers as I reverently raised a hand to her breasts. I let my hand cover her and almost lost my mind at the sensation of her in my palm. The weight of her breast felt so right in my hands, the size perfectly fitting in my hands and the gentle nudging of her hardening nipple against my palm was enough to make me want to cry out.

I bit my lip and began to slowly knead her breast. Spencer's eyes slammed shut and she let out a primal moan that echoed around her bedroom. She arched into my touch and began to move her own hands over my breasts.

I wrapped my free arm around her back and pulled her close to me, both of us moving our hands and then gasping as our bare chests came into contact for the first time. I think I literally saw stars, or maybe it was heaven, I don't know. All I knew was that I never wanted to stop touching her.

I kissed her lips passionately and groaned when she broke the kiss, the groan soon became a moan as her lips sought out my neck and began a heated assault of my skin. While her lips tattooed my skin I dragged my fingers down her sides to the waistband of her jeans. I squeezed her hips in my hands, flexing my fingers against her skin.

Spencer dragged her lips down my throat, across my collar bone and down over my breasts. My entire body was trembling with the intensity of the moment. I cried out in ecstasy as she encased one of my nipples in her mouth and swirled her tongue around it. I threw back my head and moved my hands up to tangle them in her hair in order to keep her mouth where it was.

She moved her mouth between my breasts, taking the time to taste each equally. I thought I was going to lose my mind at her touch, it was more sensual and erotic than any touch before. I felt her hands move to the button of my jeans and will admit I felt some surprise when she undid them and slipped her hands in to grab a hold of my ass.

I moaned and moved her face up so that I could capture her lips once again. She smirked against my lips and quickly deepened the kiss as she lowered me back onto the bed. I smirked myself and then flipped our positions so that I was lying above her. I kissed down her body, over her neck and chest to her breasts. I covered her left nipple with my mouth, loving the way her body arched and writhed beneath mine.

I continued my journey down her body, mapping her toned abs with kisses, nips and licks. Spencer whimpered softly and tangled her hands in my curls. I reached her jeans and slowly undid them, ensuring that she had the room to stop me if she needed to.

I pulled her jeans and underwear from her body and dropped them off the bed. I let out a gasp as I took in her body, completely bare in the moon light that was flooding in the huge windows of her bedroom and flickering candles that were placed around her room. I literally lost the ability to even breathe as I took her in.

Spencer bit her lip shyly and blushed under my gaze. I smiled down at her and whispered breathlessly, "You are so breath-taking."

She grinned and beckoned me closer with her finger while murmuring, "lose the clothes Ash." I think I just about climaxed from the raspy sexiness of her voice. I stood in front of her and slowly stripped my jeans and underwear from my body. I shivered when I saw her eyes noticeably darken as they travelled the length of my now completely naked form.

I crawled onto the bed, following her as she scooted back up the bed towards the headboard. I crawled over her legs, straddling her hips before leaning in to drop kisses all over her flushed face, avoiding her lips.

Spencer groaned in protest and grasped my face in her soft hands, brining my lips in contact with hers. I smirked against her lips and then lost myself in the kiss as she pulled my body down on top of her. Both of us moaned at the feeling of our completely bare bodies touching for the first time.

She shifted beneath me, causing my thigh to slip in between hers. I dragged my lips from her to gasp at the feeling of her wetness coating my leg. I applied a little more pressure, causing her to whimper and move against me trying to ease some of the tension that had built for her.

I attacked her neck with heated kisses and nips. Taking the time to taste her smooth skin that was now salty sweet as sweat bathed both our bodies, creating a delicious friction as we writhed against one another. Spencer was breathing heavily and erratically, as was I, and I could tell it was taking all her strength not to snap her eyes closed.

"Ash I need you to touch me," she panted out. I raised my head and looked into her hooded midnight blue eyes and smiled softly. I kissed her lovingly and slowly dragged my hand down her body, making sure to run my finger tips over and around her heaving breasts. Spencer had her hands on my shoulder blades, gripping hard as my hand neared its target.

I could tell by the wetness on my thigh that she was more than ready for this, and to be frank so was I. I had wanted her from the very first moment I saw her and now I was so in love with her that the option of not touching her was not existing in my brain.

I took a moment to tease the inside of her thighs, which were trembling as her body wriggled beneath mine desperately seeking release. Spencer's eyes rolled back into her head and she arched her neck back, "God Ashley if you don't stop teasing me I'll have to finish off myself!" She grunted.

I paused for a moment, my mouth falling open in shock. Damn that was hot!

I kissed her exposed throat and mumbled against her soft skin, "that won't be necessary Blue." I kissed up to her lips and as soon as I reached them I entered her gently.

Spencer gasped into my mouth and tightened her grip on my shoulders. I moved within her, gently at first and then harder and faster at her urging.

Spencer's body writhed frantically beneath me, her hips rising to meet each and every thrust of my fingers.

I had imagined this so many times and I have to tell you that actually being inside of her was better than any of my wildest imaginings. This was my definition of heaven.

I kissed down her throat as her head was flung back into the pillows behind her. Her chest was rising and falling fast and erratically as she got closer to the edge. I felt one of her hands leave my back, but didn't think anything of it until I felt her fingers teasing the inside of _my_ thighs. I bit down gently on her shoulder as she entered me.

I moved my face so that I could look down into hers. Spencer leaned up and panted breathlessly into my ear, "I want us to come together."

I nodded and buried my face against her shoulder as her fingers worked inside of me. I was already so damn close just from touching her, there was no way I was lasting very long. I moved my fingers in time with hers, moving my body over her.

We were both moaning, gasping and panting loudly into the softly lit bedroom. Muscles strained and quivered as we moved together towards our very own moment of ecstasy.

Spencer's free hand tangled in my damp curls and dragged my mouth up to hers. We kissed frantically, pulling away for air and then diving right back in. Each kiss was even more intense than the last.

I felt more than heard her moan against my lips, "Oh my God!"

I kissed her lips hard and then moved down to trail kisses along her jaw line and to her throat. I attached my lips to the spot where her neck met her shoulder and bit down gently. Spencer's entire body shuddered and then she let out a loud cry, which sounded like my name mingled with several expletives.

She arched hard against me and then, together just like she had wanted, we tumbled over the edge. I screamed her name into the night and she screamed mine.

I kissed her throat, chest, face and lips as I ran my hands over her still shuddering body. I collapsed on top of her as the last shock of my climax faded away.

I rolled onto my side and she snuggled her sweaty, still slightly trembling body against mine. I held her in my arms and soothed her with kisses, touches and soft, loving words.

"I love you," She whispered just before sleep claimed her.

I kissed her temple and murmured back, "I love you too."

I watched her sleep for a little while and soon sleep claimed me as well. What sweet dreams I was going to have, not that they would ever compare to the wonder I had just experienced.

**Song used in this chapter**

**Unthinkable (I'm Ready) by Alicia Keys, mutt009 recommended this song to me quite a while ago and I have been waiting for the right time to use it. Thanks mutt009 for yet another wonderful music selection.**


	44. All Rise

**Thank you to those who read/review/alert. You are all deserving of a cookie!**

imaferrari – Hehe, there's the reaction I was going for! Thank you

uluvme – Yep Spashley lovin' indeed. More Spashley lovin' with a side of sweet huh? We'll see what I can do in the next few chapters. The lyrics of that Alicia Keys song were scarily spot on so I had to use it, even if it was pretty different from my usual style of music.

WillowOn3 – Hehe thanks. How do I feel writing the love scenes…hmmm it varies lol

Your Relentless Lover – Aw thank you! That is awesome of you to say and truly means so much to me

Irishgrl33, KathleenDee, Harley Quinn Davidson, bethers85, ToastedMarshmellow08 – Thank you!

Lilyeyama – Thank you, it felt wrong to rush this.

hphglover – Thanks! That means so much. I honestly am speechless, thank you again!

shayer – Wow, thank you. I'm glad you see the messages behind the story, it's nice to know you get me and where I'm coming from. Thanks my friend

Drumlinedoc – Thanks. Yeah the court part has been hard to write so far, it's a challenge and I am always up for a challenge. Thanks again!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Four – All Rise**

Spencer's POV

After the most magical night of my entire life I awoke to find my beautiful brunette holding my body firmly against hers, clearly I was not getting away from her anytime soon. Not that I would want to. I have to say all the fear I had felt melted away last night. The second I looked into her eyes when I walked backstage at Pella before we went on to perform, I knew that there was no reason to fear her of what I felt for her.

In the time that followed our night of almost and my counselling session with Christa I had been in deep thought about everything. I had been turning it all over in my head until I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had nothing to fear when it came to Ashley. I wasn't scared anymore, not of our relationship. I knew it was time to go all in.

That morning after the night we made love will go down as one of the best in my life. Waking up to find her glorious naked body snuggled around mine was beyond incredible. Of course though reality was never very far away and all too soon we were getting dressed and heading to the court for the first day of Tom's trial.

Ashley was amazing. She helped me through the motions of getting ready, made me eat breakfast when I tried to refuse and held my hand for the entire drive to the court house but did not offer me any silly platitudes because she knew they would do nothing to comfort me. All she did was let me know silently that she was there. I swear she had magic powers because she always seemed to know without me having to tell her exactly what I needed.

She was my miracle.

We parked in the underground parking lot at the court house and that's when I really started to panic, like freak out, hyperventilate panic. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against the dashboard of Ashley's Porsche and tried in vain to settle my fast breathing and racing heart. This was too much, there was no way in hell I was going to be able to physically get my ass up out of this car and inside that huge fucking building. No way.

I felt Ashley's hand on my back rubbing soothing circles. She leaned closer to me and placed a gentle kiss against my exposed ear. She kept her mouth close to me as she whispered, "Honey I know you're scared and I know how hard this is going to be for you, but just remember that once this is over you never have to see him again. Just breathe Spence, just breathe."

I sucked in a lungful of air and spent the next few minutes trying to calm down. I focused on the warm hand on my back, the loving gaze and the gentle in and out of her breaths. Once I felt a fraction calmer I raised my head and locked my eyes on hers. I leaned in suddenly and kissed her hungrily, taking her by surprise judging by the startled little whimper.

Ashley very quickly kissed me back, probably sensing that I needed her. And I did. I needed her lips on mine, I needed just one more moment of us before I had to go into a court room and listen to the lies and retelling of one of the most horrific moments of my life to date. Just for a second I needed to be taken away from it all, and that could only happen by the power of Ashley Davies' lips.

We both broke off the kiss at the same time and I flashed her a ghost of a smile, the most I could manage at the time. Ashley gave my hand a gentle squeeze and jumped out of the car. She strode round to my side and opened the door. She held out her hand and murmured, "Remember no matter what happens in there you will always have my love and support."

I took her hand and let her help me from the car. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, held my head high and grasped her hand in mine as we strode into the court house. I was not going to walk into that place like I had something to be ashamed of. I walked in there a strong woman with a wealth of support and love in my life. I walked in there to finally face my fears and put my past to rest.

As we neared the court room where the case was being tried I caught sight of a group of very familiar people, my people. I felt a grateful smile on my face as I stepped forward to embrace them, momentarily dropping Ashley's hand.

First I hugged my Dad. He held me close in one of those big bear hugs that only Dads can give. He kissed the top of my head and said, "I love you kiddo and I promise it is all going to be ok." I gave him a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

Next I hugged my brother Glen. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. The boy he once was had long since departed and left in his place was a man to be loved and admired. I could not have survived the last few years without my dopey big brother. I told him as much and he called me a drama queen sap before becoming all serious and saying, "Spence, I love you no matter what. I am here for you anytime. Got it?" I nodded and he released me.

Next I hugged Kate, Glen's Kate. Jamie was with her parents so she could be there to show her support, for which I was insanely grateful. She was totally the big sister I never had. Next was Chelsea. I owed her so much. If it wasn't for her I doubt I would have ever gone to the police.

I kissed her cheek and murmured my thanks, which she of course brushed off. She was one of my closet friends and I was lucky to have her in my life. I flashed a smile at Detective Lewis over her shoulder, that man was a God send!

After Chels I was smothered by Clay who told me over and over again how much he loved and admired me. I kissed his cheek and thanked him for always being a strength for me.

Next there was my Kate. In a very emotional phone conversation the night after my last counselling appointment I had told her everything from what happened with Carmen, to my Mom, to Tom and to Ashley. She now knew it all and was firmly re-establishing a place in my life, as a friend. I pulled her into a warm hug and thanked her for being there.

"Of course I'm here Blondie, you are my friend Carlin so where else am I gonna be on a day like today?" she said with a grin. I kissed her cheek and moved on to hug and greet my band mates.

I hugged Grey and Jen and thanked them for coming to show their support and then I turned to Julian. He was almost as involved in all this as Ashley. He was my best friend and I knew that he had gone through a lot to have my back during all this. I pulled him into my embrace, ruffling his black hair just to make him smile.

"You going to be ok Princess?" He murmured into my hair as he held me against his muscular chest.

"I think so, I just want this all to be over. It means a lot that you're here Jules," I whispered to him.

He pulled back a little so he could look down into my face, "Seriously Carlin, there is no place else I would want to be today. You need me, I'm here. Simple as that." Have I mentioned that I love Julian? If I haven't I should have. I love Julian, he is the best friend a girl could ask for.

I pecked his cheek and whispered softly, "love ya Jules."

He beamed and kissed the tip of my nose before replying, "I know, love ya too Princess."

After Julian released me I felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around me and I let Ashley pull my body against hers. I sighed in contentment at the familiar embrace and let the safety and love surround me. She had the most amazing ability to calm me with just a simple touch or word.

I saw my father tense up beside us and turned to see what had caught his attention. I should not have been surprised. Few people can inspire that type of reaction in my level-headed, kind hearted father, few people other than my mother and Mr. Brooks.

The older Brooks man was all dignified in his perfectly tailored suit. He had an almost regal air about him and I hated the hypocrisy of the man. He had no right to act all high and mighty given that he was a big part of the reason Tom was the way he was. Had he been any kind of decent father then Tom probably wouldn't have turned out to be such a monster.

Paula on the other hand looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. She was dressed simply and neatly in an understated cream suit and a light blue shirt that made her blue-grey eyes very blue. She looked haggard and lost as she fidgeted with her hands and shuffled her feet beside the older man.

I met her eyes and flashed her a tiny smile, which she returned with a scared, yet hopeful grin. I took a step forward and so did she, leaving a few feet of space between us. Mr. Brooks stood stoically behind her and kept sending Ashley and I disgusted glances when we refused to release our hold on each other.

I ignored him and focused on my mother. I said softly, "It means a lot that you're here today, so thank you."

"It was the least I could do, I want to make up for everything Spence," She choked out.

I shook my head sadly, "Not today, I can't talk about this now. Let's just get through the trial and then we'll see."

My mother nodded, her expression full of more understanding that I had ever seen from her. She led Mr. Brooks away and I turned in Ashley's arms so I could rest my head on her shoulder.

Sighing wearily, I leaned further into her and just wished the day was over.

It wasn't long before the doors to the court room opened and we were told we could go in. We took our seats behind Felicity on the prosecution side of the room and I felt myself holding my breath when a door at the side of the room opened and he was brought in.

Tom Brooks.

For want of a better word, he looked like shit. He was thinner than I remembered with his hair shaggy and greasy looking and his skin sallow and pale. None of that seemed to matter to him though. He strode into that court room like it was a day in the office and he was king of this shit heap.

He was wearing an ill-fitting, cheap looking suit, but you could tell in his eyes he felt he was wearing perfectly tailored Armani. He strutted into the court room with his hands cuffed in front of him like he didn't have a care in the world. He had two large, burly guards on either side of him, but still it did not make me feel safe.

Having him anywhere near me instantly took away any feelings of safety I might have felt before.

He had this smug smirk on his hateful face as he scanned the court room. I felt my heart practically freeze in my chest as his cold, arrogant eyes found mine. His smirk turned quickly to a sneer as he locked his eyes on mine.

I felt my breath start to come shallow and panicked as his eyes burned into mine. I couldn't look away, I wanted to but I felt literally paralysed. Tom raked his eyes over my body, making me shudder, his eyes met mine again and silently told me he was stripping me bare and leaving me naked and vulnerable once again.

He blew me a kiss and winked over at me. I thought I was going to be sick. I felt Ashley squeeze my hand almost painfully tight and she started to growl under her breath as she went to get to her feet. I have no doubt that had I not yanked her back down beside me she would have launched herself across the court room and tackled my scum of an ex-boyfriend getting herself arrested and delaying this trial.

I leaned into her, making Ashley turn towards me and circle my shoulder with her arm. She kissed my temple and whispered, "I'm sorry Spence."

I leaned further into her and sighed, "You don't need to be. You're just protecting me and I love you for it. Just please try not to let him get to you, and I'll try to do the same." Ashley kissed me again on the temple and we sat quietly and waited as the court room filled up. I kept my eyes locked forward, looking at the place where the judge would soon be sitting, anything to keep my eyes away from Tom.

I could still feel Tom's eyes on me, taunting me, but I was not going to give him the satisfaction of letting him see how much this was affecting me. No, I came into that room a strong woman and that's how I was going to present myself. He was not beating me. Tom Brooks was going to learn that he could tear me down, but that I would still get up time and time again.

He was not going to win this time.

I was vaguely aware of the room filling up behind us. Some were loved ones, concerned acquaintances, media (which was being kept to a minimum thanks to our publicist Colin), those who believed Tom was innocent (this was a very small group) and lastly strangers eager to see a dramatic court case unfold before their eyes.

It wasn't like the last time, with Carmen it had been widely different, all kept so under wraps and I hadn't had to do a thing. It had almost felt like it wasn't really happening. This time it was all so very real.

I had a death drip on Ashley's hand, I still have no idea how she wasn't sobbing like a baby for all the pain I was putting her hand through. But of course being the amazing woman that she is, she just took everything I was throwing at her and did everything in her power to make me feel 100% safe. I really love her so much.

I had my Dad sitting on my other side and I felt him glaring angrily over at Tom, I placed my free hand in his and gave it a squeeze. He turned to me and smiled wanly before locking his eyes on the front of the court room.

The tension flowing through the large room was palpable, it was like a fog that permeated everything. It definitely felt like the calm before a very large and ferocious storm. I fought to keep my breathing steady, focusing on the hands holding mine and love of the people surrounding me.

I saw Felicity, the prosecutor, walk towards us. She flashed me a warm smile, which I just couldn't return. She stopped in front of us and said softly, "I know this is going to be hard, for all of you, but I promise I will do my utmost to ensure Tom Brooks pays for what he has done. This will all be over soon."

She smiled once more and then walked back to her table to confer with her colleague. I gnawed on my lip a little as my anxiety level reached scary new heights. I was pretty much twisted up in a series of knots by the time the bailiff stepped forward and called, "all rise, the Honourable Judge Kramer presiding."

I got shakily to my feet, with Ashley having to support me when my legs almost gave way, that is how much my legs were trembling. She wrapped an arm around my waist and cleaved my body to hers to make sure I wouldn't sag towards the floor. I truly love her so very much.

An elderly looking woman with softly curled, steel grey hair stepped out and took her seat behind the judge's gravel. She looked more like a kindly old librarian than a well respected judge. She looked around the room as we all took our seats as directed.

Her ice blue eyes found mine and I felt like she was sizing me up, reading who I was with that one look. I thought I almost saw a faint smile before it was gone and a look of strength and control covered her face. You could tell this woman was not to be underestimated underneath her librarian appearance.

"Case 198 the state of California versus Mr. Thomas Eugene William Brooks for the charge of sexual assault and harassment," the bailiff announced.

Judge Kramer nodded and slipped on her glasses, "Alright, Mr. Brooks, how do you plead?"

Tom's public defender nodded at him to speak. Tom smirked over at the judge and sneered, "not guilty your honour."

I don't know why I was surprised, but a part of me actually expected him to plead guilty. Stupid right? As if that man could ever find his way to actually doing the right thing or feeling a shred of remorse for what he has put me through.

I heard him say those words, 'not guilty' and I felt sick. I think I was hoping he would plead guilty so then the case would be over fast, but now I could see this was going to be long and drawn out while being entirely unbearable. To put it plainly, this was going to suck.

Not that I ever expected this court case to be a barrel of laughs, I mean how can trying to get your attempted rapist/ex-boyfriend sent to jail for sexual assault be fun?

I swallowed hard and leaned further into Ashley, I needed her strength now more than ever.

The judge frowned at Tom briefly, which I took to be a good thing, and nodded, "Ok, noted." The judge then went on to give instructions to the jury, but I sort of zoned out a tad. I clued back in when she announced it was time for the opening statements by the attorneys.

I watched as Felicity got to her feet and smoothed down the skirt of her tailored black suit. She walked around the table and moved to stand in front of the jury. She took the time to smile at each of them before she began to speak, "I am here today to talk to you about a very serious crime. Too many women are sexually assaulted in our society with many of these crimes going unreported and unconvicted. The tragic fact is far too many victims of sexual assault do not come forward, Miss Carlin bravely reported her attack and now it is up to us to see that her attacker is brought to justice."

Felicity paused and glanced over at me while I murdered Ashley's hand in my vice like grip. The prosecutor nodded and started to speak again, "Tom Brooks was a man who wanted nothing more than to have the world see him as a man. He built a life based on possessions and saw his ex-girlfriend, Miss Carlin, as yet another possession. He was outraged that she broke up with him due to her sexuality and he sought to make her pay. He started by releasing a recording of Miss Carlin being raped by a previous partner onto the internet. This recording was illegally obtained from police evidence archives. Tom Brooks then took it upon himself to go to his ex-girlfriend's home, force his way inside and then attempt to rape her. It was only the actions of Miss Carlin's girlfriend that prevented the rape occurring."

Felicity paced along in front of the jury box, her eyes making contact with each juror, "During this trial we will seek to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Mr Tom Brooks did try and force intercourse on Miss Spencer Carlin. You will hear testimony and be presented evidence that will prove to you that this man belongs in jail. Thank you."

The prosecutor strode back to her seat and I let out a sigh of relief, only to hold my breath again as the public defender got to his feet and shuffled over to the jury. He was by no means an impressive looking man this public defender. He looked to be about forty-five and had thin, combed over dirty brown hair. His glasses were ill-fitting, sliding down his too long nose and his eyes were kind of rat like, flicking around the room and refusing to focus on anything.

His suit was shabby and even more ill-fitting than Tom's. Mr. Gavin Famer, public defender for the past twenty years, or so I've heard, was apparently a nice man who often got stuck with the clients who no one else in the public defender's office wanted to take. I guess that is how he got stuck with Tom's case.

Regardless of how nice he apparently was, to me he was the enemy.

Mr. Farmer cleared his throat and seemed to find his shoes really interesting as he started to speak, "Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, this case has been presented to you as a horrendous crime. Tom Brooks is accused of sexual assault, which is a very serious crime. Tom Brooks is an upstanding young man from a good, well respected family. Tom is a well known lawyer who is frequently known for donating to charity and volunteering his time at a retirement home."

I scoffed involuntarily, Tom had never done even a second of volunteer time in his life. I wondered who the hell he had convinced to back up his unbelievable story. What a fucking douche bag.

"You will hear a lot of evidence and talk that Mr. Brooks did try to force intercourse on his ex-girlfriend. That is just not true. We will argue that Mr. Brooks and Miss Carlin did break up and then continued a sexual relationship post break up. Miss Carlin and Mr Brooks were engaged in a consensual sexual encounter when Miss Carlin's new girlfriend Miss Ashley Davies, whom she was cheating on with Mr Brooks, caught them. Fearing the ramifications of her betrayal, Miss Carlin accused Mr Brooks of attempting to rape her. What we have here is a case of a young woman trying to hide her betrayal and using my client as a means to do so. We are seeking to prove that Tom Brooks is only guilty of loving his ex-girlfriend too much to let go after she ended their relationship." Mr. Famer nodded once, flicked his eyes quickly over the jury and then shuffled back to his seat.

I knew they were going to pull that stunt, say those lies, but that didn't lessen the blow to hear one of the worst experiences of my life described as a lie I made up to get away with infidelity. I had never cheated on any of my partners, it just wasn't in me. I felt sick. I rested my head on Ashley's shoulder and felt her hold on me tighten.

This case had barely begun and I was already close to breaking point.


	45. Smoking Gun

**As always thank you!**

Drumlinedoc – Haha thanks! The suspense is all part of the fun!

uluvme – Oh I know, I feel the same and I'm the one writing it. I wonder about my imagination sometimes, I really do!

Irishgrl33, Harley Quinn Davidson – Thanks, Yeah Tom deserves a world of pain!

Your Relentless Lover – Yeah lets hope. The end is all planned out so I am working my way towards it. Will it include Tom in jail and Paula getting a second chance? Well we will see

bethers85, rainbowdash13 – Thank you so much!

ivegotsecrets2 – Hmm interesting idea…we'll see how it plays out. Thanks, glad you like the story

DarceLynn – Yeah it's intense to write too! Spencer will be taking the stand soon so stay tuned…

imaferrari – Tom is repulsive to say the least. I did a fair amount of research before writing the trial and drew on my work in the past with victims of assault. Ashley is amazing and I love writing her this way, all protective. I don't blame you for going back to read happier times, ch 43 is a good choice!

shayer – I wouldn't blame you if you did. I have a lot of trouble writing these kind of things. I have to go to this place inside of me full of anger and pain and that is tough. I have to be in the right kind of mind space to write them…I also need the right kind of music to listen while doing it.

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Five – Smoking Gun**

Ashley's POV

I held her trembling body close to mine and tried to silently give her my support and comfort. Spencer had gone a ghostly, pale white as soon as that weasely looking public defender had started spinning that shit web of lies. Her body was shaking so much in my arms it was making _my_ teeth chatter.

I had this feeling that if I didn't hold her tight enough or if I didn't love her hard enough then she was not going to get through this. I mean a person can only be strong for so long and Spencer had shown strength beyond what I had ever seen someone demonstrate.

She was my miracle and my inspiration. She was everything that was good in my world.

I glared hatefully at the scruffy, nervous looking little lawyer and the smug, arrogant bastard he was representing. I hated Tom Brooks more than I had ever hated another living thing. He was the epitome of evil and I wanted him to pay.

Even though there was nothing that could take back what he had done to Spencer, even though there was no way to make it go away, I wanted him to suffer for what he had done to her. He deserved nothing short of eternal torment for what he had done.

The way he had dragged his eyes over Spencer when he was brought into the court room made me sick to my stomach. I literally thought I was going to throw up as the rage burned within me. You could see him stripping her bare and leaving her vulnerable once again and I wanted to kill him for it. I think had it not been for Spencer pulling me back into my seat earlier I just might have.

It scared me, the level of hatred I had for Tom Brooks. I mean it was totally justified in my book, but it still scared me. I guess that's how Julian felt when he beat Tom, that feeling of losing control and lashing out in a violent way that you never thought yourself capable of. I guess loving someone and seeing them hurting can lead to acts of great passion (whether that is violence to protect them or other acts of passion that provide comfort and things like that).

Tom Brooks was the worst kind of man, the kind that would force his will on someone and feel totally warranted in what he did. That was what was most hateful about Tom, he felt totally justified in doing what he did to Spencer. She left him for a women so he felt he had the right to force himself on her because she was _his._ He felt not one shred of remorse for the things he has done and the people he had hurt. I hated him so much I felt like I was drowning.

I could only hope that justice would prevail and he would get his. No one in their right mind could believe the lies that fucking public defender and Tom were spinning. The case against him was too strong, or so I prayed.

The way they tried to say that Spencer lied about what happened that morning was infuriating. I was there, I saw her fear and her pain. I heard her scream, hell I still have nightmares where I can hear that scream. It fucking haunts me.

I had watched her suffer so much and to have them portray her as a liar and a cheat is the most despicable thing. I always knew Tom would try to use this line of bullshit, but I hadn't prepared myself for how insane with rage it was going to make me feel. If it wasn't for Spencer clinging to me like I was a life raft I would probably be on the other side of the court room choking the life out to that piece of shit.

After the opening statements from both attorneys were completed the judge announced it was time for the prosecution to present their case. Felicity got to her feet and said in a clear, confident voice, "The prosecution would like to call their first witness, Detective Vic Lewis."

I looked behind me and saw the kind faced detective get to his feet and walk to the front of the court. As he passed Spencer and me, he sent us a gentle smile. He was led to the witness stand and sworn in.

Felicity walked up to him and smiled warmly, "Good morning Detective."

"Good morning," Detective Lewis said with a soft smile.

"You were the lead detective on the case investigating the allegations against Mr Brooks weren't you?" Felicity asked.

Detective Lewis nodded, "Yes I was. I was on duty when Miss Carlin came in to the station to file a report and as I have had a great deal of experience with sexual assault cases so this one was assigned to me."

Felicity smiled and nodded encouragingly, "Ok and for the record did you know Miss Carlin prior to her coming into the police station that night to file the report."

"Yes I did, my niece is married to Miss Carlin's brother and I had met her at several family gatherings in the past. She has also been friends with my niece since kindergarten so I have known her on and off for many years. I made my lieutenant aware of this immediately so that everything was out in the open," The detective answered.

"Do you think that you connection to Miss Carlin impacted your investigation in anyway?"

The detective shook his head, "no it didn't. I was not working this case alone, my lieutenant and unit were all involved in the case. I never questioned anyone, suspect or witness, without another officer present or observing to ensure my work remained unbiased. All evidence for this case was obtained in the presence of others and via the proper channels to ensure it remained admissible for this trial. If I thought I would have harmed this case by taking it on, then I never would have."

"Thank you Detective Lewis. Could you tell us some details of your investigation?"

"Certainly. Miss Carlin came into the police station eight days after the attack to report it. It is not uncommon for victims of this type of assault to not report it right away, in my experience the shame of being sexually assaulted and the fear of being victimised can make it incredibly hard to actually come forward and report it, sadly many victims don't." Detective Lewis paused and took a sip of his water.

Spencer was so tense beside me it felt like she was going to snap like a guitar string tightened too much. Her body was ridged with a mixture of fear, pain, anger and sadness. I just wanted to make her feel better and protect her from all this. If only I could.

"After Miss Carlin reported the assault we brought Mr Brooks in for questioning the next day. It was since brought to light that Mr Brooks received a tip off from a police officer, who has confessed and been charged, that we were going to bring him in for questioning. It took us hours to track down Mr Brooks who was in a cabin quite a way out of town," Detective Lewis said.

"Thank you, in your experience Detective is it normal behaviour for an innocent man to receive information from a police officer that he is going to brought in for questioning and then go into hiding?" Felicity asked with a little, almost hidden smile on her face.

I hadn't been aware that Tom had been tipped off and fled prior to questioning, wow if he wanted to make himself seem totally guilty then he was going about it the right way. What a hit for his shitty case.

Detective Lewis looked thoughtful as he answered carefully, "In my professional opinion people usually only run if they have something they are hiding. At that stage there was no warrant for his arrest, we were merely bringing him in for standard questioning following an allegation of this nature. Innocent men rarely run, in my past experience."

Felicity nodded and asked, "Could you tell us a bit more about your investigation Detective?"

Detective Lewis nodded and then in very graphic details outlined all the details of the investigation while Felicity admitted items as evidence and showed them to the jury.

Spencer got more and more tense beside me. Her entire body had been trembling violently since the second they brought Tom in and was only getting worse.

The worst part by far was when they played the tapes and recording from the security cameras nears Spencer's apartment.

"Ok Detective Lewis, can you tell me what this tape shows?" Felicity asked as she held the remote in her hand ready to press play and show the court the tapes they had gotten.

"Certainly, this tape is taken from the security cameras situated on the exterior of the building. The tapes show Mr Brooks entering and leaving the building, the time stamps collaborating and confirming the timing of events," Detective Lewis responded in his calm voice.

Felicity hit play and the screen came to life. An agitated, angry looking Tom strode across the screen towards the door that led to the stairs that took you to Spencer's apartment. He was scowling something fierce, his hands clenched into tight fists and he could be heard muttering darkly, "showing that dyke a lesson she'd never forget" and about him "giving her what she wanted."

Spencer let out a muffled little sob and I held her closer as she cleaved herself to me.

The tape changed then and showed Tom coming out of the building. In this shot his clothes were all dishevelled and he looked pretty beaten up (I felt a little swelling of pride at that). He was literally doing up his fly as he stepped out of the door. I pretty much saw red.

Tom looked sneakily around him and strode towards his car muttering under his breath yet again. He called me an interfering dyke and ranted that it was revolting that Spencer chose me over him (kind of killed his argument that Spencer really wanted him and was just pretending it was attempted rape as to not piss me off). He then said, in a voice so twisted with evil that it turned my blood cold, that had I not "butted in he would have corrected Spencer in a way only a real man could."

The jury all gasped at that and turned to look at Spencer who was clinging desperately to me and crying softly. She refused to step out of the court room when I gently suggested it to her.

"I would like to draw the attention of the jury to a comment made by Mr Tom Brooks in the footage you have just seen, he said that it was 'revolting' that Spencer choose to be with Ashley over him and yet the defence would have you believe that Spencer is only alleging attempted rape to not make it seem like she was willingly cheating on her girlfriend. It seems to me that if Spencer was in fact still in a consensual sexual relationship with Mr. Brooks then he would not have said this." Felicity shrugged and turned back to the detective.

"Detective Lewis could you tell explain the footage we are about to see?"

"The next lot of footage is taken from the security camera situated in the hallway outside of Spencer Carlin's apartment. This camera captured Tom Brooks arriving at the apartment and Spencer's response to him. Once they were inside the apartment we lose visual, but we have enhanced the audio so you can hear pretty much all that transpired between Tom and Spencer on the day in question," The detective said with a satisfied expression, he knew this was the proverbial smoking gun that would get Tom locked up.

I so hoped it would be.

Felicity hit play on the remote and the next tape started playing. This one showed Tom storming along the hallway and then knocking on the door. It was a calculating knock, not too aggressive, just normal so that Spencer would not think twice before opening the door.

Nothing in that knock to alarm her.

Spencer swung open the door and then immediately tried to slam it closed in Tom's face, a look of wariness and trepidation on her face as she clutched her towel closer to her body. Tom shoved against the door roughly and pushed his way into the apartment, leaving the door ajar. After that the tape showed only the partly open front door as the enhanced recording of what could be heard played on.

Spencer could be heard angrily snapping at him and asking why he was there. Tom then snapped back, "What am I doing here? Well Spencer thanks to you I got a really fucking pleasant visit from my father last night. Seems you and he had a little run in while you were on your little date with that dyke"

I flinched at the venom and hatred in his voice. I had always known what had happened, but there was something heartbreaking at actually listening to how it played out. My heart broke for Spencer, she must have been so scared.

Spencer then said in a voice full of fear, "Tom don't do this ok, you're drunk and I have nothing to say to you. You really need to leave." I felt my throat closing up as her panic translated itself onto me. I hated that she had gone through this.

The court room was silent as we all listened to the recording that left no doubt in anyone's mind what had gone down in that apartment. I actually felt sick, physically sick, as I listened to it all play out.

"Oh I get it, is your little dyke friend here? She get you in the sack already? Man didn't take long, that dyke really works fast although she did manage to get in your bed while you were still my girlfriend so I can't say I'm surprised. How about I go and say hi to your little friend?" Tom snarled as his feet could be heard thumping down the hall towards Spencer's bedroom. Her hurried footsteps could be heard following him and even though I knew it would not change the outcome I was internally pleading with her to run.

"Tom get the fuck out of my house! You have no reason to be here, I'm not your girlfriend anymore and I want nothing more to do with you." Spencer yelled angrily, with fear colouring her tone.

Tom was then heard snarling, "No reason to be here huh? Well how about the fact that my entire life is ruined because of you Spencer? Hmm, is that good enough reason for you?"

Spencer's response was yelled so loudly that it echoed around the court room, "What the fuck are you talking about Tom? How did I ruin your life? You fucking posted a video of me being raped on the fucking internet after emailing it to hundreds of people and you think I ruined your life? You've got to be kidding me!"

"Oh yeah Spencer you ruined my life. Because of you my father has cut me off and thinks I'm less of a man. Apparently I turned you gay so I can't be a man. My father is so disappointed in me and it's all your fault!" Tom screamed in response.

I wanted to slaughter him…and kick his father's ass. Tom's father had a lot to answer for when it came to how his son turned out.

Spencer's response was muffled, almost unintelligible as she told him to leave again.

"No I'm not going anywhere Spencer. I'll show you, show all of you what kind of man I am!" Tom declared in a strange voice.

"Tom get out now!" Spencer screamed the terror plainly obvious in her voice. I felt her whole body shudder as she buried her face in my neck, it was getting close to the moment he attacked her and you could tell she was barely coping with reliving it.

Tom laughed harshly and sneered, "You scared Spencer? Good, I like you scared."

Spencer was silent on the recording and then Tom's muffled, barely audible voice hammered a nail into his fucking coffin, "I'll show you I'm a man. You might even thank me afterwards dyke."

Spencer started to cry and scream for help, the sound tore into me and made me hold her even tighter against my body until our grip on each other was practically painful. I glanced over at Arthur and found him white as a ghost and looking like he was about to cry. I can't even imagine how it must feel to have to listen to this knowing it was your daughter being attacked.

Spencer's cries were suddenly smothered and then Tom said cruelly, "Thank you for making this easier for me Spencer, a towel is so much simpler than a bunch of clothing. Hey maybe you were waiting for me?" He sounded completely crazy, deranged. I could feel Spencer's heart racing beside me and could practically see her reliving it in graphic detail in her head.

The muffled sounds of a struggle and frantic, smothered cries could be heard as she fought hard against him. I felt tears pouring down my face as Spencer's own tears dampened my neck.

On the recording Tom sneered hatefully, "Oh don't worry Spencer I won't be using my fingers. I'm going to give it to you like a man does, not the way your perverted little girlfriend would do it." Tom's voice became low and menacing as he muttered just loud enough for the recording to pick up, "Who's a man now?"

I was watching the screen as my own image came into view heading towards the open front door while looking down at the lilies I had in my hands. Spencer let out one last scream of pain, humiliation and fear before Tom silenced her. On screen I looked fearfully at the door and then bolted into the apartment, Spencer's scream sending me into a panic.

I could feel every moment of that morning like I was living it again. This time I was the one clinging to Spencer for comfort.

I disappeared from the screen and my hurried steps could be heard racing down the hallway towards Spencer's bedroom. I was steeling myself for more when Felicity shut off the recording.

"I think that's enough of that, I'm certain the video and recording speaks for itself," Felicity stepped back to her table and lay down the remote.

Spencer was now shaking so hard it was making me nauseous. She looked inches away from a total meltdown. I offered to take her out of the room again and have them call us in when it was time for Spencer or myself to take the witness stand, if they got to that point today. Spencer refused to leave. I think she needed to see this unfold with her own two eyes. She had to see him and see justice being served.

I only hoped that we got the result we so wanted. I was terrified to think how Spencer would react if Tom didn't get convicted. For that matter I was terrified about how _I_ would react. I am scared that if he doesn't get what's coming to him from the judicial system then he may get it from another source (i.e. me and a baseball bat).

After Felicity had finished questioning Detective Lewis, Mr Famer did a very lacklustre cross examination that did very little to disprove any of what Detective Lewis and the prosecutor had said thus far. The only leg they really had to stand on was the fact that Spencer waited over a week to report the attack to the police and that the tape did not actually catch Tom trying to rape her, it only got audio.

If that is all they are clinging to, that and Tom's warped and twisted version of events then Tom was going to be getting very friendly with his cellmate in the state penitentiary very soon.

Communal shower anyone?


	46. Regrouping

**Thanks once again to all who read and reviewed. You made me smile**

uluvme – Haha thanks, gotta love imagination! Mentally cheering? Awesome! Will Tom get his? Maybe, maybe not. As for Ashley with a baseball bat and Tom ending up as someone's bitch…well writing that was just for shits and giggles lol

WillowOn3 – Yeah this is hard as hell for Spencer and Ashley. Sorry for leaving you hanging again, just a hint – this trial is going to take several chapters to happen and you're right do have chapters stashed, protects me in case I get another bout of writers block lol

Your Relentless Lover – I like that last line too. I wish Ashley could take the stand with Spencer, sadly I doubt the judge will allow it. Spencer has shown amazing strength thus far. Thanks for another awesome review

Irishgrl33 – Thanks, all will soon be revealed

bethers85 – I think it's important to see how this impacts Ashley too. Spencer has learnt her lesson about pushing Ashley away…well probably lol

imaferrari – thanks! Glad you liked it. I like writing the details, I think it makes it more real, oh and don't worry you can praise me more later lol

DarceLynn, Life-Live-Love-Learn – Yeah it was rough for Spencer and Ashley, it isn't getting easier anytime soon. Will justice prevail? We shall see

Giaball23 – Wow thank you so much

Drumlinedoc – I have been waiting for your review, so thank you lol, I have no court room experience aside from a lot of T.V., but I did do a lot of research about Californian court processes etc. I know the Australian court system ok but knew squat about the US. Thanks so much!

shayer – Wow really? I take the nail marks in your palm as a compliment! I am sorry you felt like crap after reading that chapter, if it helps I felt like crap after writing it. Thank you so much, I think you flatter me too much!

hphglover – Thank you! I like to try and make things as real as possible. I feel bad for putting Spencer through this, but enjoy writing Ashley as the protector. This is hard on everyone who loves Spencer and Ashley. I am kind of blown away by your review so thank you again!

LoveAsh87, Harley Quinn Davidson – Hehe thank you!

**Usual disclaimer SoN is not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Six –**** Regrouping**

Spencer's POV

Not long after Mr. Farmer was done cross examining Detective Lewis the judge, thankfully, ended the proceedings for the day. I honestly don't think I could have coped with anymore of that torture.

I had known it was going to be difficult to sit through that trial, but I hadn't realised just how excruciating it would be. The whole time I sat there listening to the gory details of what had happened to me I had clung to Ashley like she was a life raft. I felt that without her I was going to drown, well metaphorically speaking anyway.

I had to be pretty much carried from the court room by Ashley, my legs were in no way working and I still couldn't get my body to stop trembling. It was like I had no control of myself and that was so scary to me.

My loved ones all flocked around me once we exited the huge court room and quickly backed off on seeing my strangled look of torment and overwhelming pain mixed with Ashley's warning glances at them to give me space.

I barely heard their murmured messages of love and support as I let Ashley half drag me out to the car. She carefully helped me into the passenger seat, strapping me in and taking the time to look into my eyes and tell me that she was there. She softly cupped my cheek in her palm and smiled a tiny smile of love. I couldn't quite smile back, but I know she saw how I felt in my eyes. She had an uncanny ability to read me.

Ashley gently closed the door and then went around to the driver's side and climbed in. we sat in silence for a moment until I whispered in a husky voice, "I can't go back to my place right now, it's too much after what we just listened to. I can't go from hearing it playing out to seeing where it happened. Can you take me somewhere?"

"Sure Spence, where would you like to go?" She murmured softly.

I looked over at her, her big chocolate brown eyes melting into my ocean blue ones and felt my lips quirk up in the beginnings of a tiny smile. I reached over and took her hand and replied, "Just anywhere."

Ashley nodded and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before starting the car and backing out of the parking space. Soon we were driving along the roads of L.A. towards a destination I really could bring myself to care about. All I wanted was to be somewhere with my girl away from everything that was tearing me apart.

I closed my eyes and leaned heavily against the soft leather car seat. I held Ashley's hand in mine, periodically squeezing it to let her know I was still there. I had spent so long pulling away from her in the aftermath of what Tom had done to me that I wanted her to know I wasn't doing that to us again.

I needed her and I know that she needed me too. I was not arrogant enough to assume that I was the only one suffering after what had happened. This trial was tough on all of us and I could practically see Ashley reliving that morning in my bedroom all over again.

I can't even begin to imagine what it would have felt like to walk in and find the person you love being attacked. It must have been horrendous. I was in awe of the strength she was showing, holding both herself and me together.

I felt the car turn off the road and I immediately smelt the salty air of the beach. I smiled briefly and opened my eyes as Ashley shut off the car. I turned my head to look at her, taking a moment to marvel that the incredible, beautiful woman by my side was mine.

The late afternoon sun was bathing her in a golden glow that made her mahogany brown hair glow with a reddish tinge. Her big chocolate brown eyes were locked on mine as she read my every emotion in the way that only she seemed able to do. I could never hide anything from this woman. She always saw through me.

I tilted my head as I gazed at her, no longer afraid of the way she could see straight into my soul, I wanted her to know me, to see me in a way that no one else had ever done.

She reached out and tucked some lose strands of my hair behind my ear and whispered, "I'm not going to ask you how you are, because I can already tell there aren't words in existence that could adequately express that. What I am going to say is that I love you and that everything is going to be ok."

I felt tears fill my eyes as I reached over and pulled her into my embrace. I snuggled into her and let my tears fall. Ashley held me tighter and placed gentle kisses over my hair as she let me sob brokenly against her chest.

I have no idea how long we sat like that, with her holding me silently letting my draw strength from her arms and her love, but as the sun began to set I pulled back and flashed her a smile. It was the brightest smile I had managed since we had left the sanctuary of my bed that morning.

It was strange how I could go from one of the best nights, if not the best night, of my entire life to one of the most agonising and painful days I have ever lived through. I don't think my brain is set up to deal with such a huge shift in emotions like that.

I kept my eyes locked on hers as I leaned in a kissed her tenderly and sweetly on her lips. I pulled back and slipped from the car, discarding my heels and jacket on the front seat before stepping out onto the soft sand.

I heard the car door close behind me and soon felt Ashley's hand slip into mine. I gave it a squeeze and continued to stroll towards the calm ocean that was slowly flowing over the sand before receding again.

It was peaceful and brought a semblance of calm to my tortured emotions.

We strode out until the tide was trickling over our bare feet. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salty sea air deeply. I felt Ashley move behind me and relaxed against her as she wrapped her arms securely around my waist.

I felt so totally safe in her arms.

I intertwined our fingers and rested my head back on her shoulder. As the daylight faded around us we stood wrapped in each other staring out at the ebb and flow of the ocean as it met the shore.

I turned my head so that my lips met the silky skin of her neck and whispered, "Thank you."

Ashley kissed my forehead and murmured back, "You have nothing to thank me for Spence, I am just grateful that you are letting me be there for you."

I sighed, a mixture of sadness and contentment. I was sad that I had ever been foolish enough to push her away and I was content to be in her strong arms. "Well I am going to thank you anyway, I couldn't get through all this without you," I rasped out, my voice husky from all the tears I'd cried.

"Spencer, you seriously underestimate how strong you really are. You will get through this because you are the strongest woman I know, make that the strongest _person_ I know. I am in awe of how amazing you are. Spencer Carlin I love you and I am so lucky to get to stand by your side," Ashley whispered, her voice husky with emotion.

I turned in her arms and captured her lips in a deep, desperate kiss. I grabbed the collar of her shirt in my hands and crushed her against me, needing to feel all of her against me. Her touch reminded me that there was love and beauty in a world that felt so full of hate and darkness.

She was the light of hope in an otherwise bleak world.

I kissed her hard, but also tenderly. I felt her hands spread out across my back and hold me close to her, I moaned against her lips and pushed her back into the sand so I could settle on top of her.

Ashley's kisses became hesitant so I raised my lips from hers and met her eyes, "I just need to feel you, please," I whispered breathlessly.

She searched my eyes a little longer and finding nothing but need and sincerity she brought our lips back together in a gentle, loving kiss. I kissed her again and again until I was breathless.

I pulled back and moved so that I could lie with my cheek pressed against her chest, right over her heart. The steady, if not slightly racing, heart beat was so soothing to me.

I felt her hands moving comfortingly over me as she rested her lips against my hair. She was so amazing. She didn't try and force me to talk, she just let me be, knowing instinctively what I needed to help me cope. I will never be able to full express what she has done for me.

We lay there until the wind picked up and we were both shivering from cold. Ashley helped me to my feet and led me by the hand back to the car, both of us dusting sand off our clothing. She helped me into the car and climbed into the driver's side.

"So where to?" She murmured with a hint of a smile.

I smiled back and said, "Well I am actually kind of hungry so do you think we could go to my Dad's? It's pretty much dinner time and he mentioned he would put on a spread in case we needed it tonight."

"My pleasure, I am a big fan of your Dad's cooking!" Ashley grinned over at me and I let out a little chuckle, surprising us both.

Ashley started the car and headed towards my childhood home, my hand held lovingly in hers.

We walked into my Dad's house about twenty minutes later and instantly we were both smothered with hugs. It turns out the whole gang had reconvened at Dad's. As soon as I was released I took baby Jamie from Katie's arms (I usually call her Katie, it gets confusing when her and Kate, my ex, are in the same room).

I snuggled my nephew in my arms and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. He gazed up at me, his big blue eyes locked on mine. Man I loved that kid, he was so beautiful. I still couldn't believe he was my brother's son.

I cuddled the baby and moved to take a seat in the living room where everyone else was waiting for dinner to be ready. Dad and Glen headed back off to the kitchen to finish up cooking while I snuggled next to Ashley on the sofa.

My band mates all sat around on the floor, while my Kate, Chelsea, Clay and Katie all took the remaining available seats in the living room. Everyone was kind of looking at me, but in that way where they're looking but trying to make it look like they weren't.

I glanced around the room at the people who meant the most to me and smiled wearily, "I'm ok guys, really I am. Today was rough and yeah it brought up a whole lotta feelings I wish I didn't have to experience again, but I am ok."

I leaned into Ashley as she slung her arm around my shoulder and beamed proudly at me. I didn't say it, but I think she knew that I was really only ok because I had her. Ashley was the reason I was going to be ok.

"We just want you to know that we are here for you," Chelsea said softly, reaching over to pat my knee comfortingly.

I flashed her a very worn out smile and expressed my thanks. I really was lucky to have so many people who supported and cared about me.

We sat around in a comfortable silence while Ashley and I fussed over Jamie. It was sweet to watch her with him, I know it was early days with us but I could see us doing this again one day with a baby of our own.

I was surprised that thoughts like that didn't scare me. When Tom and I were dating he once brought up us having a baby down the track and I had royally freaked out. I guess in hindsight the freak out was totally justified.

I guess with Ashley it was just right and the thought of a future with her that included all the trimmings of marriage and kids and a puppy was one of the most amazing, beautiful things ever. I wanted to have it all with my brunette.

"Ok troops, dinner is served!" Dad called from the dinning room.

I reluctantly handed Jaime to his mother and let Ashley drag me by the hand into the dining room. Usually I would be dragging her, but I just wanted more cuddle time with my nephew. He reminded me that there was still innocence in the world, that not everything was tainted by darkness and pain.

I took my seat at the table and looked around at everyone. I nervously cleared my throat and started to speak, "Just before we dig into this amazing feast Dad has put together I just wanted to say thank you to every single one of you. Your support and love through all this has been incredible. I uh, I just wanted to say how much it meant to me to have you all supporting me through this. Ok so let's dig in!"

I nervously shuffled in my seat as every grinned at me. It's crazy I could perform in front of heaps of people but the second I have to talk about my feelings with my family and friends I get so anxious I am fearful I will projectile vomit all over them.

I felt a warm hand cover mine and turned to gaze into Ashley's smiling chocolate brown eyes. I returned her smile and started dishing up my food. Everyone soon followed my lead and were loading up their plates. The only sounds were cutlery on plates, chewing and yummy sounds, my Dad was an exceptional cook.

We ate in a comfortable silence for a while and then I noticed everyone shooting me little glances. I know they were all concerned, but it felt like they were waiting for me to fall apart and I didn't like the way that made me feel.

I frowned down at my plate and bit my lip before looking back up in time to catch everyone, but Ashley, shooting their glances away from me. "Ok guys you need to stop it," I said seriously.

"Stop what Spence?" Glen asked with a look of confusion on his face.

I sighed tiredly, "Stop looking at me like I am going to fall apart. I promise you I'm not and the more you look at me like I am the more I feel like I will breakdown. For the last time, I love you all and am so grateful for how concerned you all are, but I am ok. I promise."

Everyone stared at me for a moment and then looked all guilty, I just couldn't stand them treating me like I was this fragile thing that was going to crumble under the weigh of all this. I was trying so hard to stay strong and I needed them to believe I could do it or I was going to fail.

Ashley was the only one who wasn't treating me like a victim.

"We're sorry Spence, we are just worried about you and want to know you're going to be alright," Dad said with a sad smile.

I nodded, "I know and I love you guys for it, but please trust that I am going to get through this. I'm going to have my bad moments, but I need you all to believe in me." I murmured softly.

There were unanimous and loud expressions of their belief in me. It was sweet. We stayed for a little bit longer and then the stress and high emotions of the day wore me out and I had to be carried out to the car. Ashley tried to do it, but Julian insisted.

He lifted me up in his strong arms and carried me out to her car, resting me gently in the passenger seat of Ashley's Porsche. Once I was safely belted in, he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. I smiled sleepily up at him and let myself drift off again.

When I woke up Ashley was lifting me from the Porsche and carrying me towards the lifts at her apartment building. I snuggled closer to her, burying my face in her neck so I could breathe her in. Ashley kissed the top of my head and carried me securely in her arms, only resting me on my feet long enough to unlock her door and then I was lifted again and carried bridal style over the threshold.

Ashley knew without me having to say that I needed a night away from my apartment. With all the shit from the morning of my attack racing through me head, I needed to be away from where it all happened.

She lay me down on her bed and gently took of my shoes. She sat me up, resting my body against hers as she slipped my jacket from my body. Her hands were tender and loving as she freed my tired body from my clothes. There was nothing sexual about it, but it was infinitely intimate.

She slid a tank top and boxer shorts onto my body before tucking me into her big bed. I missed her closeness immediately when she stepped away from the bed to get changed herself.

I was about to call out to her when I felt the bed beside me dip and a warm, comforting embrace surround me. I rolled over sluggishly and rested my head on her chest as her arms circled my body holding me gently, but firmly against her. I am not exaggerating when I say that in my entire life I have never felt so safe and loved as I felt and will always feel in her arms.

Ashley ran her hands soothingly over my back and through my hair, lulling me to a peaceful state of almost sleep. I felt her lips on my hair and smiled when she whispered, "I love you Blue."

I snuggled further into her and kissed the bare skin of her chest above her tank top before I whispered back, "I love you too Brown."

The words 'I love you' were always words I felt got thrown around too often. I mean I used to say it to my family all the time, but when it came to relationships it seemed to be over used. The thing is, with Ashley, no matter how many times I say it or hear her say it, it will never be enough.

What we have goes beyond any love I have ever had. She is the one, my heat, my soul, my partner. I know that I could live without her, I have done and could do it again, but I just don't want to. Without her in my life I would simply be existing. The world would turn grey as the colour bled out. Grey is a life without Ashley Davies and I plan to never have to experience it.


	47. The Prosecution Calls

**Thank you for all the reviews…I am honestly humbled**

hphglover – For sure, the break was much needed. Yeah Ashley is pretty amazing…I want an Ashley. Thank you, I often have to fight the urge to roll my eyes when people say they can't live without someone because they absolutely can. Spencer can live without Ashley, but she is more alive with her so she doesn't want to.

Harley Quinn Davidson, Irishgrl33, LoveAsh87, bethers85, adibou, WillowOn3 – Thank you!

Your Relentless Lover – thank you so much! Writing this story has been hard at times so to know its having an impact makes all the struggle worth it. Thanks again

uluvme – It definitely does suck, it is going to be tough on Spencer. LOL yeah cuddle time with cute nephews should never be interrupted for food! Spashley babies, happy thoughts!

imaferrari – Thank you so much. My favourite part of this story is, obviously, developing the relationships, mainly the one between Spencer and Ashley.

mutt009 – No need to apologize! Thanks for reading and you're welcome for the shout out, you did suggest such a great song I had to give you credit!

Drumlinedoc – Thanks, I needed to break up the court scenes for my own sanity…they are tough to write.

shayer – Well I don't think you're a crazed person, please feel free to say whatever you like. Thank you, I think this relationship between Spencer and Ashley is about so much more than sex, there is real intimacy with or without sex. I love writing this bond. Thank you so much x

DarceLynn – LOL I agree, Ashley is pretty amazing!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine…I'm ashamed to say Tom is…**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Seven –**** The Prosecution Calls...**

Ashley's POV

When I woke up the next morning Spencer was no longer lying in my arms. The coldness of the sheets told me she'd been up and out of bed for a while and if it hadn't been for the lingering scent of her on my sheets and pillow I would have assumed I'd dreamed her presence the night before. I slid out of bed and went in search of my beautiful girl.

I padded barefoot down the hallway from my bedroom and found my girl sitting on the window ledge in my living room staring out at the people walking around on the sidewalk in front of my apartment building. She looked so beautiful sitting there bathed in the early morning light, almost angelic, but she also looked so lost and broken.

I stepped into the room and made my way to her side silently. I reached out and touched her shoulder gently, her hand coming up to cover mine. She showed no surprise in my presence as she took a hold of my hand and used it to pull my body closer. I sat down behind her and wrapped my arms around her body as she leaned back into me.

I felt her let out a sigh and kissed her cheek softly, "Are you alright Spence?"

She nodded and continued to stare out into the street, which was bustling with activity as people headed off to work or whatever other places people have to go to first thing in the morning. I could see the local Starbucks was pretty damn busy not surprisingly.

I locked my eyes on her face as she kept her gaze locked on the outside world. I was beginning to think she wasn't going to talk when she murmured, her voice husky from a lack of use, "It is really kind of surreal to sit here and watch people go about their normal lives when we are about to get ready to go back into that court room. It just seems strange to me that the normal world goes on while this huge, monumental thing is happening in my world."

She turned around and wrapped her legs around my waist as her arms snaked around my neck. She locked her eyes on mine and flashed me a tired, sorrowful smile. I pulled her closer to me and held her body in my embrace. She sighed against my neck and continued speaking, "It just makes me realise that this is just a blip on the radar of the world, you know? It's like this huge thing is happening to me and mine, but life goes on around us. It gives me hope that once all this is said and done then life will go on for me too."

I smiled gently at her and placed a chaste kiss on her cheek, "It will Spence, eventually life will go on and this will just be a part of your past, a piece of the puzzle that makes up the whole of who you are. As clichéd as it sounds, life _does_ go on and everything that happens is just a moment in time that will pass."

Spencer smiled at me and shook her head with a little twinkle in her big, ocean blue eyes, "look at you all wise and shit!" She quipped with a little giggle.

I chuckled at the teasing glint in her eyes, it was nice to see her being a little playful not to mention hopeful. I leaned in and pecked her lips softly, "Yeah Baby, I am all wise and shit, hadn't you noticed that before now?"

Spencer giggled a little and shrugged, "I guess I was preoccupied with your hotness." She smiled at me for a little longer and then her expression turned serious and she sighed, "I guess its time to get ready to face another day in court. I hope it goes quickly."

I stood up and pulled her to her feet so I could wrap her in my arms. She sighed and slumped against me. I cradled her body against mine and whispered sweet nothings in her ear to comfort her. I knew today was going to royally suck. Today Spencer was taking the stand.

It was going to be brutal.

I lead her down the hall to my bedroom and let her raid my closet for clothes to wear to court while I grabbed a quick shower.

I was standing under the hot spray when I felt strong arms circle my waist and a naked body press into my back. I closed my eyes and moaned at the sensation of her skin pressed against mine.

Spencer leaned in and kissed a hot trail from my shoulder to just below my ear. I felt my breathing speed up as her hands began to firmly stroke their way across my stomach, making me lean harder against her.

Spencer bit down gently on my shoulder, soothing the area soon after with her tongue and loving kisses. I felt like my legs were just about buckled to the ground then and there. Spencer held me in her arms securely and turned me around so that our eyes were locked in a stare.

She leaned in slowly, teasingly slowly. Inch by agonising inch until her lips brushed against mine in the most tortuously chaste kiss we had ever shared. She pulled back a fraction to look into my eyes and then with a wicked grin she moved her hand to the back of my neck and crushed our lips together.

We kissed hard and roughly, her teeth closing over my lower lip before she released me and explored my mouth with her tongue. I groaned into the kiss, making sure to kiss her back just has hungrily.

Her hands made their way over my back and down to my hips, which she gripped tightly in an effort to eliminate the miniscule amount of space between us. I tangled my hands in her wet hair and kissed my way down her throat to her collar bone.

I moved my hands to her waist as I peppered her chest with kisses. Spencer's head was thrown back as these guttural moans were torn from her throat. Her hands reached down to pull my face back up to hers. Our lips met in a searing kiss as the water flowed over our heads.

Spencer suddenly shoved me back into the cold tiles of my shower. I gasped as the coldness of the wall hit my back and the hotness of Spencer pressed into my front.

Her lips moved down to my neck, to my chest, to my breasts and then down my stomach before she rose to her feet to capture my lips once again. Our kisses became slower, more loving than hungry as our touches became more sweet than hot.

We kissed languidly, adoringly under the spray of the shower until the water turned cold and then I helped her step from the shower stall.

I wrapped a fluffy white towel around her body before grabbing one for myself. We both grinned lovingly at each other, knowing that the moment we had just shared went beyond the intimacy of sex.

I didn't need to have sex with Spencer to be intimate with her. That moment in my shower wasn't about sex. It was about being together, about drawing comfort and strength from each other. I knew in my heart that sex wasn't what she needed from me in that shower, she just needed to feel a connection.

I kissed her lips softly and then we started getting ready, sharing loving glances and teasing touches the whole time.

An hour and a half later we were back in our seats in the court room waiting for the judge to come in and determinedly not looking over at Tom who had been leering at us since the second the guards had brought him in. I could tell he was just trying to unnerve Spencer, he was doing a good job of it too. She was inches away from total hysteria and freak out.

Like the day before, I was holding her close in my arms, anything to give her support and comfort so that she could get through this. Not everyone had been able to make it today. Katie was home with Jamie and Chelsea had been called to see her mother who was in hospital.

The band was out in force, having taken time out of the studio to come to the court to support Spencer. Julian looked almost as wretched at Spencer and I did, it was easy to forget just how invest in all of this Julian was, but seeing him so dejected brought it all home.

Julian loved Spencer, and not in a way that would make me jealous, but in a profoundly innocent way that made your heart ache for what he was feeling watching her struggle through this. I think of all people he and the Carlins could understand how much this was all killing me to have to witness.

Of course the Carlins were there. Arthur, Glen and Clay were sitting on the other side of Spencer with Kate (Spencer's ex, not Glen's current...kinda wish they had dated girls with very different names) sitting next to Clay. All of them kept sneaking glances at Spencer to see how she was doing. I also noted that Paula was huddled up in the back of the court room.

Behind us and a little to the left of the Carlins were Aiden and Kyla who had come out to show their support of Spencer and me. It meant a lot to both Spencer and me that they had come today. I knew I needed them there and Spencer needed all the friendly faces in the crowd that she could get. I turned and flashed them a brief, shaky smile before focusing my attention back on the woman in my arms.

Spencer had her cheek resting against my chest as she sagged limply in my arms. She was not coping well at all today. I kissed her silky blonde hair and whispered over and over again how much I loved her and that everything was going to be ok.

I don't think she believed me too much about the second part.

It was frightening how she could go from strong and hopeful in my apartment to barely holding on by a thread in the court room merely an hour and a half later. It was painful to see the change come over her the second Tom Brooks stepped into the room.

I was about to suggest that we step outside when it was time for the judge to come in. I helped Spencer to her feet and held her as her unsteady legs started to give out on her. I was desperately frightened for when she had to take the stand if she was already barely hanging on.

Judge Kramer stepped up to her seat and surveyed the room before she sat down and slid on her glasses. Everyone else settled down and the trial began its second day. Felicity, dressed in this rather intimidating power suit, got to her feet and addressed the jury before saying the words that sent a thrill of panic through my body.

"The prosecution calls Spencer Carlin to the stand."

Spencer's entire body tensed to the point where I was certain she was going to snap. I leaned in and kissed her cheek as I whispered that I loved her that it would soon be over.

I don't think she heard a word I said to her.

I will pass the telling of this part on to Spencer, this is her story after all.

Spencer's POV

As soon as Felicity called me to the stand I thought my heart was going to explode, it was beating a million miles an hour. I thought I was going to pass out, throw up and/or cry, or hell, maybe all of that at once.

I had never been so overwhelmed with emotions and panic in my entire life.

I felt Ashley's lips on my cheek as she whispered words I could not comprehend. I felt my Dad's hand squeezing mine and felt the sympathetic, concerned gazes of my loved ones.

I felt it all, but still felt a slowly spreading numbness that was gradually taking over my body. I staggered to my feet and began the walk on unsteady legs to the witness stand that seemed a million miles away.

As I passed the defence table I head Tom sneer at me, "You know you wanted it dyke." It was said so quietly that only me and his public defender heard it.

Mr. Famer, the public defender, noticeably tensed at Tom's words and shot him a look of anger and disgust that was soon covered with a neutral, expressionless look. For a second I realised how hard it would be to defend someone like Tom, then any sympathy I had for Mr. Famer disappeared when I remember that he could potentially be the reason Tom goes free.

I swallowed the bile that started rising up my throat and staggered the last few steps to the witness stand, sinking wearily down onto the hard wooden seat as I struggled to slow my breathing and racing heart beat.

I think I was second away from a total panic attack when my eyes found a familiar pair of chocolate brown ones that were shinning with love and understanding. Ashley.

I locked my eyes on hers and drew on her strength to help me get through what I was about to endure. I saw her mouth, "I love you," and nodded to tell her I felt the same before I turned to look at Felicity as she moved to stand nearby as the bailiff swore me in.

He stepped up to me with a heavy looking bible and asked me to place my right hand on the smooth leather. I did and then listened as he recited his spiel in a bored monotone, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

I nodded and cleared my throat as I choked out, "I do."

The bailiff nodded and stepped away from me with the bible clutched loosely in his hand. I flicked my eyes back to Felicity and waited patiently for her to start asking her questions.

"Spencer, could you please tell us about your relationship with the defendant," Felicity asked with a kind smile.

I swallowed hard and nodded, "Um well Tom and I dated for almost four months, my mother introduced us and at first I refused to enter into a relationship with him."

"Can you tell us why that is?"

"Well I'm gay. I've known it since high school, but my mother is fiercely religious and I knew she would never accept me being gay. It wasn't until college that I came out to my family. In response my mother slapped me and then kicked me out of the family home. I was in a relationship with a woman that ended very badly…uh my ex-girlfriend Carmen raped me and when I went to my mother for help she offered to make it all go away. I was so ashamed and she gave me a way out." I murmured with my eyes locked on my hands as I wrung them in my lap anxiously.

"The Prosecution states for the record that the rape mentioned by Miss Carlin was tried and the perpetrator, Carmen Mendez, was convicted and sentenced to prison time. Now can you tell us more about your relationship with the defendant?" Felicity prodded.

I sighed and kept my eyes from looking over at the smirking prick who I used to date, "Well my mother was persistent. She pushed and pushed me until I agreed to go out with Tom. She was relentless and kept throwing what Carmen did to me in my face. Eventually I couldn't fight her any more and I started dating Tom. For our entire relationship he was possessive and jealous, we fought constantly and I was never happy. Being with him and denying who I was made me so miserable."

I paused and accidentally caught Tom's eyes. He was sneering at me hatefully, his expression so similar to the one he wore the morning he attacked me it sent me into a panic. I felt my breathing pick up to a startling level and my vision went blurry. I was going to pass out, I could feel it.

I ripped my eyes from his and fused them to Ashley's. She held my gaze and silent told me to hold on, to not let him get to me. She told me to breathe and to focus on getting through this. She told me not to let him win.

I turned back to Felicity who was looking at me in concern and began speaking again, "Well during the time I was with Tom I felt like a possession, like I was just something for him to show off at work functions and things like that. I wasn't happy, but I had made a commitment and I was sticking to it. Finally I had enough, I couldn't bare the thought of hiding any more and I told him I wanted to break up. Tom was furious and he told me I would lose everything, my family, my friends. He told me that once he was done with me I would have lost everything. Then he called me a filthy dyke, smashed a beer bottle on my counter and stormed out." I choked out, memories of that day overwhelming me.

Felicity stayed silent for a moment to let my words sink in for the jury. I glanced over at them and saw expressions ranging from sympathy, to anger, to shock and to pain. It was hard to determine what they were thinking, maybe they were believing Tom, maybe not.

"Thank you Spencer, now could you tell us what happened right after you and Tom broke up?" Felicity asked with a gentle smile.

I nodded and took a deep, ragged breath before I started this next story, "I went and confronted my mother, turns out Tom had already called her to inform her that I had broken up with him. She went to hit me, but my Dad stopped her and then told her he'd filed for divorce and kicked her out of the house. When I got back to my apartment I found an email from an unknown user that had been sent to everyone I knew. It was also posted on about 8 websites. The email contained the video that Carmen Mendez had recorded when she…uh…raped me."

There was a loud gasp from the jury, I stole another glance at Ashley and took a deep, shuddering breath before I continued. "After I got the email and my family and friend tracked me down I decided I wanted to go see Tom and confront him about what he did. I felt like I needed to know why he did it. When we arrived at Tom's house my father, my brother Glen and I went inside and found Tom having an argument with my mother."

I paused again and looked over at Paula. She was sitting towards the back of the court room, her blue-grey eyes locked on me. She caught my eyes and smiled sadly. I swallowed back some tears, not entirely sure what in the multitude of shit going on was making me want to cry. Probably all of it really.

I choked a little before continuing, "I was accusing my mother of giving Tom the video of what Carmen did to me," I paused again, clutching my hands into tight fists as I struggled to hold it together.

"Tom quickly told us that a clerk at the police evidence archives had gotten the tape for him, he had been suspicious of me and had looked into my background and found out about the rape and my past relationships with women. He told me I should feel grateful that he had still wanted to be with me despite my past. He never denied that he posted that video. It makes me sick to know that it is out there. That video depicts one of the worst moments of my life and I…I wish it had stayed hidden," I murmured, my hands fidgeting in my lap.

"Thank you Spencer, I would like to show the court the signed statements from Paula Carlin, Arthur Carlin and Glen Carlin that collaborate Spencer's story." Felicity displayed the statements and they were noted as evidence for the jury to consider in their deliberations.

"Spencer, I know this is going to be difficult, but could you please tell us in your own words what happened the morning in question when Tom came to your apartment?" Felicity asked in a gentle, compassionate voice.

This was the moment I had been truly dreading.


	48. My Testimony

**Please forgive the delay in posting, it was my birthday on the 11****th**** and I have been pretty busy. Thanks for reading, reviewing and supporting this story!**

drummergirl244 – Thanks! Yeah sorry for yet another cliffhanger…its what I do!

hphglover – Please leave as long a review as you like! I agree, I think the fact Spencer is struggling and still sitting in that court room is a testament to her strength. Yes Mama Carlin…she will come back into it all soon!

Harley Quinn Davidson – Thanks!

uluvme – buttface to jail…sounds good to me! I'm not nice to Spencer am I? I don't see her as being weak, just struggling. Thanks!

shayer – Thank you, I liked showing intimacy that wasn't about sex. Really thank you xx

lilce1992 – I understand that!

bethers85 – Hehe thanks! That scene was a fun one to write and if anyone gets and Ashley clone its me! lol

fullofsecrets – Wow thank you!

Drumlinedoc – Aw don't hate me! Hmm castrate Tom…good plan! Glad I could provide you with a break and all the best with the start of college!

Your Relentless Lover – If it helps this story is hard to write at times too. Thank you so much

imaferrari – Sure you can, ditto is totally an acceptable review! Thank you, I love writing this relationship. Thanks again!

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Eight –**** My Testimony**

Spencer's POV

I felt my mouth go dry and my hands start to tremble so violently I had to grab a hold of my knees to still them. My heart was racing, my breathing became shallow and erratic. I was verging on a complete and total melt down.

I scanned the court room, over the faces of strangers, press, acquaintances, friends and family, avoiding looking at Tom and his support group at all costs. That would be the end of me.

I found Ashley's eyes and saw her being held in her seat by my Dad, like she was trying to run up to where I sat to help me through this. God I was so lucky to have her, like insanely lucky. I nodded slightly and steeled myself as best I could to start telling this story.

I closed my eyes for a moment to steady myself and then started talking, "I woke up that morning so happy. The night before had been my first date with Ashley, who is now my girlfriend, and thing were going very well. I was out to my family and close friends and had never felt so free. The only down side had been a run in at the restaurant with Tom's father, Bill Brooks. He said some hurtful things once he found out Tom and I had broken up and that I was on a date with a woman."

I paused at an angry rumbling that came from where my family and friends were sitting, not to mention from a few of the jurors. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and continued, "So anyway I was in a great mood. I was up fairly early as I was expecting Ashley to come and pick me up to take me to our brand practice. I was just getting out of the shower when there was a knock on the door…"

I trailed off and felt all the blood rush from my face as a cold chill settled over my body. My brain and heart were screaming at me to stop talking, to not put myself through the trauma of telling this story again. Sadly I had no choice, Tom had to pay for what he had done to me.

Felicity gave me a moment and then with an expression of infinite understanding she said, "I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to talk about this, so please take your time and let us know if you need a minute."

I nodded and flashed her a tiny, grateful smile. I took a few deep breaths, glancing over at the jury who were all looking anxious and sympathetic.

I cleared my throat and continued my story, "So I opened the door and found Tom on the other side. I tried to close the door on him, but he shoved his way inside. I was very aware of how little clothes I was wearing and how vulnerable I was. I have no neighbours and the bar downstairs from my place would not be opening for hours. Ashley wasn't due at my place for a while so I was completely alone with Tom."

The familiar jolt of fear and panic began coursing through my veins, I was feeling the same terror and apprehension I felt that morning. "He was clearly drunk, he was staggering around my place telling me that his father had cut him off after seeing me and Ashley out to dinner together. He raced down to my bedroom, he said to see if Ashley was there. I followed, I should have run out my front door instead. When I got there I told him to leave and he told me I had ruined his life and that he was going to show me what kind of man he was. I was terrified, I had this feeling that something really bad was going to happen. I screamed at him to get out, but he…he wouldn't," I choked out.

I lowered my head for a moment as the tears began to roll down my face. I had been holding them at bay and now I had no control. I raised my face and heard murmurs from around the court. I saw Ashley, with pain and anguish in her eyes, silently telling me she was there for me.

"Tom had this crazy look on his face and he was laughing so cruelly. He stepped forward, trapping me between him and the wall. I had no way to get out. I was so beyond scared, I was about to lose my mind with fear," I stopped as sobs overtook me. I buried my face in my hands as that morning played on a loop in my mind.

It took me a few minutes to calm down enough to continue, the Judge even kindly asked if I needed a break. I said no. I just wanted to get this over with.

I raised my tear stained face and looked at Felicity and then the jury before locking gazes with Ashley.

"He leaned in and whispered that he would show me that he was a man, she said I might even thank him afterwards. I started to cry and scream desperately for help even though I knew no one could hear me. He covered my mouth with his, muffling my cries and almost suffocating me. He tore the towel off my body and ran his hands forcefully over me," I stopped again, my attention caught by my violently trembling body.

I could hear my pulse racing in my ears as bile rose in my throat. I always knew taking the stand would be hard, but I never knew how hard. I then made a huge mistake, a stupid, moronic mistake.

I looked over at Tom.

He smirked at me and ran his tongue over his lips before dragging his eyes over my body. I shuddered as his mocking eyes burnt my skin. I knew what he was doing, he was reminding me of what it had felt like, he was telling me that he had touched and tasted everything under my clothes. He was telling me that he had the power.

Fresh tears spilt from my eyes and joined the river that had already fallen. Tom's eyes bore into mine and he mouthed, "You loved every single second of it."

I ripped my eyes from his and let them dart around the room while I tried to regain focus so I could finish what I had to do. I clenched my hands into fists so tight my nails punctured the skin on my palms making them start to bleed.

Felicity looked back and forth between my and Tom with a look and contempt and anger, she had caught what he had mouthed to me, but knew she couldn't prove it. She turned back to me and said softly, "Spencer are you ok to continue?"

I nodded and wiped at the tears on my cheeks, "Yeah…uh I can continue. So um…he uh, then he pressed himself harder against me and I was crazy with fear. I was reliving the time Carmen…uh…raped me. I just couldn't believe that it was happening to me again. I fought so hard to get him off me, I fought so hard but he was just too strong. He touched me roughly between my legs and tried to pry my legs open as he undid his pants." I let out a choked little sob and shook my head as the images and memories came hard and fast.

"By this point I was crying so hard. I told him to stop but he wouldn't. As I stood there trapped by him I really hoped that he would kill me when he was done. I felt like I could not survive being raped for the second time…I was screaming in my head, please God let him kill me when he's done," I looked over at Ashley and saw tears streaming violently down her cheeks as her lower lip trembled. God this must have been killing her.

I took another deep breath and prepared to finish my story, "I had my eyes closed tight, trying to block out what was happening and hoping it would be over quickly. I screamed one last time only to be silenced by Tom slamming his lips on mine, cutting off my oxygen. I was certain I was going to die. The next thing I knew Ashley was screaming at Tom to get off me. I looked at her and had never been so happy to see anyone in my life. She hit him with a broom and I got away from him. Really most of what happened after that is a blur. I was just so humiliated and horrified at what had happened. I shut down."

I stopped speaking and looked down at my violently shaking hands as tears continued to fall in torrents.

Felicity said kindly, "Thank you Spence, I know that was hard for you. I have no further questions."

Judge Kramer turned to Mr. Farmer and said, "Your Witness Mr. Famer."

The scruffy looking public defender got to his feet and shuffled towards me. For a second when his eyes met mine I thought I saw some remorse, but it soon disappeared as his questions started.

"Miss Carlin, how long after your relationship with my client ended did you start dating Miss Davies?" Mr. Farmer asked in his deep, gravelly voice.

"Objection! Relevance?" Felicity stated as she jumped to her feet.

"Your honour this line of questioning is to determine the credibility of the story told by Miss Carlin," Mr. Farmer defended himself.

The judge looked reluctant as she said, "Ok I'll allow it, but be careful Mr. Farmer."

"Thank you, so Miss Carlin do you need me to repeat the question?"

I shook my head no and mopped up my tears with a tissue the bailiff handed me. "Well it was two days after I broke up with Tom that Ashley and I had our first date," I replied carefully.

"Ok and did you cheat on my client with Miss Davies or anyone else during your relationship with my client?" Mr Farmer asked in an emotionless voice.

"Ashley and I kissed once and I broke up with Tom the next day, other than that no, I never cheated on Tom," I replied honestly, starting to get a little concerned about where this was going.

"So you broke up with Mr. Brooks in order to pursue a relationship with Miss Davies, right when your band was starting to get noticed?" Mr. Farmer asked.

"Objection!" Felicity bellow furiously, I was so grateful to that woman!

"Withdrawn, Miss Carlin did you break up with Mr Brooks in order to pursue a relationship with Miss Davies?" Mr. Farmer asked carefully, his words calculating.

"No I did not. I broke up with Tom Brooks because I am a lesbian and dating a man is not something I was or am interested in. I was in that relationship for all the wrong reasons and I broke up with him because it was the right thing for both of us. Neither one of us were happy in that relationship and I needed to get out. I could not continue living a lie and dating Tom when I knew I was gay was a lie, that's why I ended it," I replied in a strong, determined voice. I caught my Dad's eye and he smiled at me with pride.

"It just seems a little too convenient that you were in a committed relationship with my client for four months, knowing you had a past dating women, and then ended your relationship when someone who could help your music career came along. If you really ended you relationship because of your sexuality then it makes me wonder why you entered into that relationship to start with when you already knew you were a lesbian," Mr. Farmer said with a slight grimace.

"Mr. Farmer, either ask a question or I will release the witness!" Judge Kramer ordered from her seat, sending the shabbily dressed lawyer a glare.

"Sorry your honour, Miss Carlin why did you enter into a relationship with my client when you already knew you were a lesbian? Why start dating a man when you already knew your sexuality?" The public defender asked.

"I was under enormous pressure from my mother to date Tom. She hated my sexuality and then after what happened with Carmen she made me feel so ashamed that I shied away from living my life as a lesbian. I was scared that the mother who came to my aide when I was raped would disappear if I didn't stop living a life she deemed unnatural and disgusting. I was traumatised by Carmen and convinced by my mother. That is why I dated Tom Brooks and it was a huge mistake," I replied in a choked up tone.

"Miss Carlin you say that my client tried to force intercourse on you. My client states that is not the case, that you and he had continued seeing each other post break up and that the alleged rape was merely a case of sexual role playing that you have twisted into a crime to hide your indiscretion from your new partner. Is this the case?" Mr. Farmer prodded, not so gently.

I vehemently shook my head, "No that is not the case at all. Following my break up with Tom I saw him once before that morning and that was when my father, brother and I went to confront him about the video he released. Why would I break up with Tom if I was going to continue sleeping with him?"

"Maybe because you needed Miss Davies to help your music career so you had to keep her onside." Mr. Farmer stated as he strode closer to where I was sitting, "Maybe you are really that ruthless Miss Carlin, that you would falsely accuse my client of attempted rape in an effort to pursue your music. Maybe you did it for attention or out of guilt, maybe the same could be said for the first time you accused someone of rape…"

He let his voice trail off and looked away as there were multiple gasps and cries of outrage in the court room. Judge Kramer had to bring the room to order and then glared at Mr. Farmer angrily. The coward couldn't even look me in the eye. I started to cry anew, tears spilling over and adding to the track already on my face. I was sobbing loudly, horrified that he could say such things that were blatantly untrue.

I looked up and saw both Glen and Ashley being restrained in their seats by Clay and my father. They looked livid and I have no doubt that had they not been being held down then Mr. Farmer and Tom would be in for a world of hurt.

I cleared my throat and choked out in a voice husky with tears, "Tom Brooks tried to rape me…he forced his way into my home and tried to rape me. Carmen Mendez _did_ rape me. She was tried and convicted and is now serving time in jail. She wasn't just accused of rape, she was convicted and sent to prison." I paused as more tears fell, noticing that Mr. Farmer still refused to look at me.

"Music is important to me yes, but if I am going to make it then I will do it with integrity and dignity. I would _never_ sell my body or my soul to make a career out of music. That would tarnish the love I have for it. Plus if it happened the way you say it did, Mr. Farmer, then why would I invite Tom to my place that morning when I knew Ashley was coming to pick me up? If I am as manipulative as you say then why would I make such a dumb mistake?" I said, my voice thick with emotions.

Mr. Farmer cleared his throat and straightened his threadbare tie, "I have no further questions at this time."

He shuffled back to his seat, still refusing to look at me. I hoped he felt guilty for what he had just done. I know he was doing his job, but I could never forgive that man for what he was putting me through. Just like I would never forgive Tom Brooks.

Judge Kramer turned to Felicity and asked, "Miss Crompton, do you have any further questions?"

"No your honour, I have no further questions," Felicity said, sending me a little smile.

"Ok Miss Carlin you may step down," The Judge said gently and with a small smile of sympathy.

I rose shakily to my feet and then sank to the floor as my legs gave way. I heard a round of gasps and Ashley calling out my name.

The bailiff helped me to my feet and led me back to my seat, depositing my into Ashley's waiting arms. She thanked him quietly and pulled me close to her body as fresh sobs overtook me.

Ashley cradled me against her, running her fingers through my hair in an effort to soothe me. At that point I wasn't sure anything could soothe me.

I vaguely heard the Judge calling a recess for lunch and was then dragged to my feet as the court rose and then began shuffling out once the Judge had departed to her chambers.

I felt hands meant to comfort on my back and shoulders, but it just made me fold further into Ashley. She instantly understood and led me from the room, away from the concerned looks and prying eyes. She took me into a room Felicity had booked, it was a little conference room and we knew we would not be harassed here.

Ashley sat me on a chair and knelt on the floor in front of me, her hands clutching mine in a strong, loving grip. She gazed up at me with an expression that conveyed a thousand emotions, the main ones being concern, sympathy, understanding, a little anger (not at me of course) and pure love.

I took some deep, slow breaths to try and calm myself down. Breathe in, breathe out and repeat.

Ashley just knelt silently in front of me, waiting until I was ready to speak.

After a few minutes I managed to stop my tears and I flashed her a brief watery smile. Ashley grinned back at me before releasing one of my hands so she could reach up and tuck some lose long blonde hair behind my ear.

I sighed and leaned into her touch as she moved her palm to cup my cheek. I closed my eyes for a moment and then whispered, "That was rough."

"I know it was, you really did so well though Spence and now that part is over," She murmured back.

"Yeah maybe that part is over, but there is still a lot of this case to happen. We have no way of knowing how this is going to end Ash and that scares me," I whispered brokenly, as my lower lip trembled signalling the coming of yet more tears.

"Oh Sweetheart, we can't know how this is going to end but what we do know is that you are going to be ok. This is the type of experience you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, it is painful, difficult, heart-breaking and almost unbearable, but I know you and I know you can get through this. I will here every single second. I love you Spencer Elizabeth Carlin," Ashley said in the most heart-felt tone I had ever heard.

I leaned forward and kissed her lips chastely, pulling back to murmur, "I love you so much Ashley."

Ashley wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I rested my head on her shoulder and breathed in the comforting scent of her. I held onto her like she was a life raft, loving how safe I felt in her arms.

I pulled back slightly after a few minutes and looked her dead in the eyes, "How do you have so much faith in me?"

Ashley let out a husky little chuckle before she responded, "Spence how can I not have faith in you? I mean you have demonstrated strength in situations that many would crumble in. You have been to hell and back and yet you are still the kindest, most compassionate woman I know. You are truly an inspiration Spencer and my faith in you is not misplaced."

I felt fresh tears fill my eyes, of course these ones were because I was beyond moved by her words.

I launched myself forward into her arms and held her close against me as I cried. Ashley buried her hand in my hair while the other found my waist. She leaned into me, her lips grazing my ear, as she whispered, "I am so in love with you and I believe in you."

I, of course, cried even harder at that. Ashley held me until there was a gentle knock on the door and Felicity called in to tell us we had five minutes until court would be back in session.

I reluctantly pulled back from her embrace and flashed her a tiny smile, the biggest I could muster. I was physically and emotionally drained and I knew it was only going to get worse.

I stood up shakily, Ashley by my side in seconds supporting me. I took her hand and brought it to my lips to kiss it tenderly as I asked, "Are you going to be ok this afternoon?"

Ashley frowned slightly and gave my hand a little squeeze, "It's not going to be fun but I want to do this. Anything to get that guy locked up and off the streets."

Ashley was due to take the stand this afternoon and having just gone through it myself I was concerned for her. My girl was unbelievably strong, but this was something that would test every ounce of her strength. I know I had barely been able to hold on.

I leaned in and kissed her lips, a little more passionately than before. I wanted her to know that I loved her and was so grateful to her for all she was doing for me. I say it a lot, but it is so true, I am incredibly lucky to have Ashley Davies in my life.

I smiled lovingly at her as we walked towards the conference room door, "It's going to be ok Ash, you were there for me, you gave me strength up there and I am going to do that for you too. I promise I will be there the entire time, you and I are in this together."

"Damn straight we are! We are going to get through this together, of that I am certain," Ashley said with a little grin.

We shared one more sweet kiss before walking hand in hand back into that court room.

Brace yourself, it's not over yet!


	49. My Side of the Story

**Thank you to all who read and reviewed**

imaferrari – thanks, and I feel just as drained writing them!

bethers85 – I have been known to cry while writing these stories. Thanks for your kind words

Harley Quinn Davidson – Yeah Spencer is so brave and the defense lawyer was wrong to say what he did

Your Relentless Lover – Thank you for the birthday wishes and the review! Yeah Tom is widely hated lol

uluvme – Yeah I kinda like torture…can you tell? And hey ask as many questions as you like my friend lol. Thanks for the review

luvmygators – Thanks for the review! Glad you like it, but I think Spencer is already extremely grateful to Ashley

Drumlinedoc – Good don't hate lol. Ah Breakeven, I love that song! Yeah Ash has dibs on the castrating of Tom I think lol

DarceLynn – I have mixed feelings about the defense lawyer, but definitely agree with you

shayer – Thanks, its intense to write too! Thanks again Sweetheart

mutt009 – Hehe good idea!

hphglover – Thanks for the birthday wishes and review. Tom is a horrible human being and he deserves to get whatever's coming to him. I do enjoy getting the strong reactions from people lol

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Forty-Nine –**** My Side of the Story**

Ashley's POV

I walked back into that court room with Spencer's hand wrapped securely in mine. If I had thought she would listen I would have insisted that she not come back into that room now that she had faced her time on the stand. But Spencer Carlin was nothing if not stubborn. It was just one of the many things I loved about her.

We retook the same seats we had been occupying for the past two days and waited for the trial to begin again. Spencer was holding my hand in a death grip so I turned to see if she was alright only to find her eyes locked on Tom as the guards brought him back in to the defence table.

He looked over at us and smirked as he blew her a kiss. Spencer paled immediately and I honestly thought she was going to pass out. I squeezed her hand and reached up to turn her face away from him and towards me.

"No Spence, don't you let him get under your skin. Don't let him get to you. Tom can't hurt you anymore," I whispered as my eyes searched hers.

Spencer bit her lip and nodded slowly, fear and unbearable pain still etched on her face. I sighed and pulled her to me, cradling her body against mine like she was the most precious thing in my world...which she was and is.

As I held her I noticed the court room filling up again. Arthur took his seat beside Spencer and sent me a sad little smile, which I could hardly force my mouth to return, smiling did not come easily when watching my girl breakdown.

Clay and Glen followed their father's lead while the band patted me on the back as they took their seats behind us. I saw Kyla and Aiden come back in, sending me looks of support and love mixed with sympathy and sadness. We were lucky to have so much support.

We only had to wait a few more minutes before Judge Kramer was back in her seat and the court was back in session. After a bit of stuffing around the jury was brought back in and it was go time.

Felicity got to her feet and spoke clearly, "The prosecution calls Ashley Davies to the stand."

That was my cue. I took a deep breath and turned to flash Spencer a smile that said I was going to be ok. She bit her lip and gazed up at me with tired, scared eyes. I squeezed her hand then climbed to my feet.

The walk to the witness stand felt insanely long. It was like that scene in a movie where the hero walks to the stand in slow motion while music plays, building the tension to a crescendo that will no doubt erupt into an epic climax…well that's the movies and this is real life.

I took my seat and mechanically followed the motions while I was sworn in. Once the bailiff had stepped away from me I turned to face Tom Brooks. He was smirking smugly at me, looking me up and down in a way that made my skin crawl.

The leering expression on his face made me so unbelievably angry. He just looked so fucking smug, like all this was beneath him, like none of it could touch him. It made me really fear for what would happen if he wasn't locked up in prison for a long, long time.

I felt my body start to tremble and had to tear my eyes from his. I couldn't keep looking at him or I was going to lose the control I was so desperately holding on to. I could already picture myself wrapping my hands around his throat and squeezing until his eyes bulged out of his head and his breathing ceased. It scared me so much that I was so close to losing control like that. That couldn't happen. I had to be strong for Spencer and to get that prick thrown in jail. He had to get his punishment through legal means.

I swallowed hard and fought to hold onto my emotions as they threatened to erupt and spew all over the court room. I couldn't allow myself to crumble like that. There would be time later for me to break down, that time was not now.

I was now even more in awe of how Spencer got through her time on the stand. That woman is truly an inspiration.

Felicity stepped away from the prosecution's table in front of the court and walked closer to me. She smiled kindly and said gently, "For the record Miss Davies could you please tell the court your relationship with Spencer Carlin?"

I nodded and replied, "She's my girlfriend as of…about um…37 days ago. Spencer is also in a band with me. We were introduced by a mutual friend." I glanced over at Julian and his lips almost turned up in a smile.

"So, as Miss Carlin has already testified, you and she did not start to date until her relationship with Mr Brooks was over. Is that correct?" Felicity questioned.

"That's right. I will admit that I had feelings for Spencer while she was with Tom, and I did kiss her once the night before she broke up with Tom...Spencer promptly ran away from me after that and then nothing else happened between us until she had ended her relationship with Tom," I replied, gazing over at Spencer, who was now huddled up to Arthur.

"Thank you Ashley. Can you please tell the court what you observed of Miss Carlin and Mr Brooks' relationship while they were a couple?" Felicity asked. I nodded and took a moment to think back.

"Well I first saw them together right after I met Spencer. I right away noticed that she was different when he was around. She was quieter and smiled a lot less. She seemed to watch what she said and quite frankly she seemed miserable to me," I glanced over at Spencer and saw her face buried in her father's chest as her shoulders shook with her sobs.

I just wanted to jump out of that witness stand and bolt across the court room to take Spencer in my arms. I want to tell that everything was going to be alright, that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure everything was alright.

She must have felt my gaze on her, because she lifted her head and turned her watery blue eyes my way. Her lower lip was trembling and even from the front of the court room I could see her body shaking violently.

I looked at her a moment longer and then continued, "I found Tom to be arrogant and possessive of Spencer. He was always rude and ordered her around a lot. One evening Spencer had just told me about her past relationship with Carmen Mendez and the rape, she was understandably upset. I stayed with her that night because I didn't want her to be alone."

I looked at the jury, all of them were staring at me with varying expressions on their faces. I took a breath and continued, "we woke up the next morning and were talking when Tom came barging in, slamming open the bedroom door. He instantly accused Spencer of cheating on him, which she absolutely hadn't, and started yelling at both of us. He kept calling me a dyke and telling Spencer that he would tell her mother that she had gone back to her old lesbian behaviour."

I paused when I heard a soft sob and looked over to find Spencer's eyes boring into me as tears streamed down her face. I smiled sadly for a brief second before continuing, "Tom then said Spencer was his girlfriend and he would do whatever he wanted to her. Spencer stepped up and slapped him across the face. She told him she had already lived through one relationship like that and that she wasn't going to do it again. Spencer then ran out. The next morning she broke up with Tom and you all heard what he did next."

Felicity let the jury absorb what I had just said. There were expressions ranging from shock to anger and sadness. Jury members kept casting glances over at Spencer who was still sobbing in her father's arms. You could tell her total heartbreak was resonating with them...just not tearing them apart the way it was with me.

I tore my eyes from her, knowing that if I kept looking at Spencer I was going to make a run for her side. Felicity stepped closer to the witness stand and said, "Thank you Ashley. Now could you please tell us in your own words what happened the morning in question when the alleged attempted rape occurred?"

I nodded solemnly and glanced down at my hands which were in tight fists in my lap. To be honest actually telling my version of what went down in Spencer's bedroom that morning is a total blur. I kind of just shut down and told my part of the story, hardly aware of the tears making their way down my face or the strangled sobs coming from Spencer and occasionally from myself.

I think I had to shut down a little in order to tell that story again. In my mind I could see it all happening. I could feel the same rise of bile and fear in my throat that I'd felt when I'd ran into her room and realised what was happening. I could hear his voice, hear her cries, hear my heart pounding in my chest. It was all just as fresh as it had been that morning.

You would think that the memory of that morning would have started to fade, but it hadn't. If anything it just got clearer and more painful.

That morning in Spencer's bedroom, walking in to see what he was doing to her, haunts me. I try to be strong for her, to help her through this, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am still haunted by what happened.

I would give everything I had to make that morning go away, to make it have never happened.

Like I said, telling my version of events in that court room is a blur, I was on autopilot and just trying to get through it without falling to pieces. The clearest memory I have from that time is Spencer's cerulean eyes locked on mine, giving me strength and support even as she broke down.

Spencer Elizabeth Carlin is one amazing woman. She was sitting in that court reliving one of the worst times in her life over and over again and yet she could still find it in her to give me her love and support.

Watching her strength in her struggle just made me certain of one thing; I am going to spend the rest of my life with that woman giving her everything she deserves. I will show her love unconditionally and every single day of my life with her I will tell her how much I love her and how blessed I am to have her in my life. With me Spencer will know that she is loved and cherished and she will never have to feel the pain and degradation she experienced in her past.

As I finished my story I looked over and caught Tom's eye, he glared hatefully while I just stared at him with an emotionless expression. He didn't get the satisfaction of seeing how badly this was affecting me, he didn't get to see me break.

"Thank you Ashley, I know that wasn't easy for you to talk about," Felicity said, breaking me from my inner thoughts. I nodded in acknowledgement and waited for her next question. "Now why didn't you call the police when you arrived at Miss Carlin's apartment? Once you saw what was happening, why didn't you call for the police?"

I took a deep, ragged breath and thought carefully about my answer, "Well I guess I went into autopilot. I just knew that I had to get Spencer away from Tom. She was so scared and in so much pain…" my voice trailed off as I got choked up with tears, "I uh…uh, I just reacted on instinct. I just wanted to save her. I guess there is no room for rational thought and logic when the person you love is being attacked."

"Ok and why didn't you and Ms Carlin call the police after Tom had left?" Felicity prodded gently.

I closed my eyes, I knew this question was coming up. I snapped my eyes open and found Spencer's big blue eyes boring into mine. She nodded, a sign to say it was ok and to keep going.

"Well I wanted to, I told Spencer I was going to and she insisted that we didn't. She was barely hanging on by a thread and I would have done anything to try and make it easier for her. It was stupid and I knew we should have called the police right away, but Spencer was just so broken so I reluctantly agreed to keep it quiet," I murmured, my eyes downcast as that conversation played in my mind.

"Thank you Ashley, I have nothing further," Felicity said as she retook her seat.

I moved my eyes over to the shabbily dressed, scruffy little public defender and hardened myself for his cross examination.

"Mr. Farmer, your witness," Judge Kramer said. The little man nodded and got to his feet to shuffle over towards me.

"Miss Davies, is it possible that Miss Carlin's reluctance to go to the police would stem from the fact that this alleged attempted rape was actually consensual sex that you happened to walk in on?" Mr Farmer asked with almost sadness in his voice.

I clenched my hands into tight fists and fought to control my temper at that question, "No Mr Farmer I do not believe that is possible at all. I know Spencer Carlin and what I walked into was not consensual sex. She was terrified and trying to fight him off. Hell even the audio recording shows how sacred she was." I snapped, while attempting to hold my temper in check.

Mr. Farmer looked a little taken aback. He had to know this was a lost cause, he was not winning this case. The evidence was stacked up against Tom in the worst way, I couldn't find any conceivable way that he would get out of this. Something fucking huge would have to happen to get Tom Brooks out of this.

"So Miss Davies, you're saying that you are 100% certain that Miss Carlin was not continuing her relationship with Mr Brooks post break up?" Mr. Farmer asked.

"Objection!" Felicity cried as she sprang to her feet.

"Ok withdrawn, Miss Davies prior to her joining your band, what was Miss Carlin doing for a living?" Mr. Farmer asked with a shifty look on his face.

"Objection! Relevance?" Felicity bellowed.

"I am trying to show that Miss Carlin's music career picked up with the start of her relationship with Miss Davies, motive for her to leave my client for her to further her career while still seeing my client in secret," Mr. Farmer said, resolutely not looking into my eyes.

"Ok I'll allow it, but be careful Mr. Farmer," Judge Kramer warned, glancing at him over the tops of her glasses.

"Thank you your honour, Miss Davies do you need me to repeat the question?"

"No, prior to joining the band Spencer was the principle violinist in the LACA orchestra. She still works at LACA as a teaching assistant to the violin master three days a week." I answered quickly, not sure how he was going to spin this so that it made Spencer look like an opportunistic bitch.

"Is it reasonable to assume that being part of a successful rock band, which Fear Itself is becoming based on the sales of your debut single, that Spencer is now making more money that she was when she was in the orchestra?" Mr. Farmer asked, shuffling closer to me.

"Actually that isn't true, a band just starting out, even one with some early success, does not make a lot of money. We are building a career, but no it is not overly lucrative right now, every cent we make is going back into the band," I said with a frown for the little scruffy lawyer. I had to wonder if he had done any real research for this case or if he was just saying what Tom was telling him to.

"But in the long run a career in a rock band is going to be more lucrative than a career in an orchestra am I right?" Mr. Farmer probed.

"Depending on the success of the band then yes maybe. The music industry is not a stable one by any means, but providing the band continues to make good music and get some fans it will make money. Of course it isn't about the money it's about the music," I replied, my frown deepening as I glared at the enemy in front of me.

"So in pursuing a relationship with you Miss Davies, Miss Carlin has cemented her place in what could potentially be a successful band?" The weasel asked.

I felt my eyes narrow as I glared hatefully at him, "No that is not correct. Spencer was a member of our band long before she and I started a relationship, in fact she was brought into the band through her friendship with Julian, one of our band members. The relationship I have with Spencer has nothing to do with why she is part of Fear Itself," I snapped angrily.

I glanced over at the jury and found them all glaring at the little lawyer in disbelief. He had to be nuts if he thought this line of questioning was going to help him win this thing.

I looked over to Spencer and found her face filled with rage instead of pain. Her cerulean eyes were flashing blue fire, her cheeks were flushed with her fury. She had her jaw clenched as she shot looks of hatred and anger at the public defender. I'll admit I preferred seeing her so angry to seeing her so broken. Her anger meant that she was fighting.

Spencer moved her eyes off the lawyer and met mine, her expression instantly softened as we gazed at each other. Her big blue eyes locked on mine and I swear she almost smiled. I liked that even in the midst of all the shit that was going down I could still affect her.

Mr Farmer stepped in front of me, cutting off my view of Spencer, which just made me loathe him more. "Ok Miss Davies, I have no further questions at this time," Mr. Farmer mumbled as he shuffled back to his desk, avoiding the glare Tom was sending him. As soon as he sat down Tom started muttering furiously under his breath. I liked that Tom was looking so flustered.

"Miss Crompton, do you have any further questions?" Judg Kramer asked.

Felicity smiled and shook her head, "No further questions at this time your Honour."

I was told I could return to my seat and had to restrain myself to not run back over to Spencer like a crazy person.

As soon as I reached her, Spencer slid out of her father's arms and back into mine where she fit so perfectly. I held her against me and kissed her temple lovingly as we listened to the Judge call a stop to the day's proceedings. We would be back in court on Monday.

After the judge left and Tom was taken out, I helped Spencer to her feet and we all walked to the big double doors to the court room. I held her hand in mine and flashed grateful smiles at everyone who walked with us out of the room. We were lucky to have such an amazing group of supporters.

Once we got outside the court room we hugged and kissed everyone and said our goodbyes. Spencer wanted to get home and shower, I think she wanted to wash today off her and quite frankly I did not blame her in the slightest.

As we were leaving I saw Spencer pause and glance over my shoulder. I turned to see what had caught her attention and saw Paula Carlin standing off to the side smiling sadly at her youngest child. Spencer squeezed my hand and sent her mother a little smile and wave.

Paula's face split into a thousand watt smile that could have lit all of downtown L.A. Spencer nodded and smiled again before she let me lead her out to the car park, the little smile staying on her lips.

There was a lot of bad blood between Spencer and her mother, but maybe, just maybe they would find their way to being ok.

I led Spencer to my car and was then shoved against it as her lips found mine in a hungry kiss. I smiled against her lips before kissing her back just as hungrily.

Spencer gradually slowed our kiss until it became sweet and tender. She pulled back slightly to grace me with a soft smile as her hand still cupped my cheek gently. "Thank you for being so amazing today Ash, are you alright?" She asked softly.

I smiled at her and nodded, "It was my pleasure Spence, and yeah I'll be ok. I mean sitting up there and facing Tom wasn't exactly a picnic but it had to happen. He needs to be punished for what he has done to you."

"He didn't just hurt me Ash, he hurt you too. He needs to pay for the pain he has caused everyone, you, me, my family, Julian…Tom has caused so much hurt and I am not the only victim of that," Spencer said softly, her big blue eyes locking on mine.

I sighed and pulled her close to me again, letting her head come to rest on my shoulder. I held her against me and just savoured the feeling of holding her body close to mine. God I love her.

After a long while Spencer let out a deep sigh, pulled back and said, "How about we go back to my place and spend the weekend forgetting about Tom and all this bullshit?"

"Hmm I like the sound of that," I purred as she brought her lips closer to mine.

Spencer's lips turned up in a teasing smirk as she whispered, "Hmm how do you like the sound of this then…how about we forget all this bullshit by being naked?"

I felt my mouth fall open and my eyes bug out of my head. Spencer chuckled and stepped around me to climb into my Porsche. I stood there, stunned, for a little longer and then got my wits about me enough to bolt to the driver's side and get us the hell out of there!


	50. Just Like Heaven

**Thanks to all who read and/or reviewed. It truly means a lot.**

imaferrari – Lol glad you liked the chapter's ending, I felt a tension reliever was needed

uluvme – Hehe yeah that is one proposition I doubt anyone would say no to! Well read on to see what happened on their 'naked weekend.' Lol yep it is not looking good for Tom!

Your Relentless Lover – Oh man that is hilarious, awesome idea! Thanks heaps

mutt009 – Thanks, yep turned 24 this month! Yeah Tom and the public defender are not well liked lol

LoveAsh87, AnniTheRock, Harley Quinn Davidson, lilce1992, luvmygators – Thanks!

shayer – Thank you, that really means a lot. I hope the love I write about exists…and if it doesn't I will always have my writing to escape into. I am just so glad that people actually read what I write. Thanks again

Drumlinedoc – Thanks, and yeah I have planned on Tom taking the stand

**Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine. **

**I hope you like this chapter…**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty – Just Like Heaven**

Spencer's POV

I opened my eyes slowly, blinking frequently as the harsh morning light streamed through the slightly parted curtains and right into my still sleepy eyes. I groaned in protest at the start of a new day and snuggled back into the warm body holding tight to me. Her arms were wrapped around my waist, her fingers splayed out over my skin.

Ashley mumbled something incoherently and pulled my back tighter against her front, making her naked body press even more deliciously into mine. I could feel her pressed against every inch of my back with not even a millimeter of space between us. I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes again, just letting the feel and scent of her wash over me and bring me incomparable peace.

Her gentle, warm breath tickled my neck, stirring the strands of blonde hair falling onto my skin as her arms held me firmly as if she was scared I was going to escape in the night. No way in hell was I going anywhere, her arms were the only place I ever wanted to be.

If I had my way I would not ever leave the comfort of her embrace.

I was just starting to drift off to sleep again when I felt soft lips making their way over the tattoo on the back of my neck and up the side of my throat towards my ear. I leaned my head further into the pillow to allow better access for the lips that were making my skin burn.

I felt Ashley smirk against my neck as she continued her trail, making goosebumps rise on my skin. I bit my lip and tangled my fingers with the hand she had pressed against my stomach.

Ashley squeezed my hand and gently rolled me onto my back so she could hover above me. Her big brown eyes were shining as she grinned down at me. I licked my lips in anticipation and gazed up at her. Ashley released my hand and gently swept some lose blonde hair behind my ear, "Good morning Blue," She whispered, her voice husky from sleep and what I am assuming was lust if her almost ebony eyes were anything to go by.

I felt my smile widen as I replied softly, "Good morning to you too Brown."

Ashley's grin widened into her totally heart melting nose crinkling smile as she leaned in slowly and began placing tender kisses on my forehead, cheeks, nose, chin and eye lids, avoiding my lips which were desperate for her kiss.

I groaned in loud protest as she avoided my lips, again, which just made her chuckle softly before capturing my lips in a tender, adoring kiss that literally left me breathless.

Of course, she pretty much always leaves me breathless. Such is the power of Ashley Davies.

I reached up and tangled my fingers in her wild, bed messed, curls and pulled her down onto me. Ashley moaned against my lips as she settled her body between my legs and began exploring my skin with her oh so talented fingers.

If you have never been with a guitarist…well I would highly recommend you remedy that. They sure as hell know what to do with their fingers. I felt my body arch off the mattress and into hers as she mapped out all the places she had found to be particularly receptive to her nimble touch.

Ashley moved her lips from mine and painted a pattern of hot kisses down over my throat to my collar bone. She traced the dips and curves of my chest with her tongue, pausing every so often to nip my skin before soothing it with a gentle kiss.

I whimpered softly in the back of my throat and began tracing the muscles of her back with my finger tips, bringing them up over her shoulders and neck as her lips continued her tender assault.

I teasingly dragged my finger tips down over her back, to her hips and then to her ass, loving the goose bumps that formed and muscles that contracted under my touch. Ashley moaned against the skin of my chest, her warm breath tickling me in the most delicious of ways.

I cupped her perfect ass in my hands and pulled her roughly against me, making our bodies drag against each other with the most incredible friction known to man (or woman, hehe). Ashley let out a deep, guttural moan and raised her lips to mine to kiss me passionately.

I felt this fire, this burning, starting in my lower belly and spreading quickly over my body as her lips danced with mine and her hands explored my over-sensitized skin. I had never reacted quite like this with any other lover.

Ashley stirred feelings and emotions in me that no one, not even Kate, had been able to inspire. She touched me and I saw stars. She kissed me and I felt heaven. She looked at me and I felt more beautiful than I ever had before in my life.

Ashley Davies had the keys to my heart and soul and I knew that no one else could be trusted with them.

Ashley moved her lips down my chest, pausing briefly to smile up into my eyes before capturing my nipple in her mouth. She encased the hardening peak in her lips and tenderly teased it with her tongue.

My eyes rolled back into my head as I flung my head back into the pillow underneath me. I felt a moan tear loudly from my throat as she kissed her way across the valley between my breasts to pay equal attention to my previously neglected nipple.

She kissed her way slowly, purposefully between my nipples, taking time to ravish each one until I was literally sure I was going to explode from all sensations taking over my body. Her mouth sought out and tasted every inch of my breast, which were literally heaving as I struggled to keep breathing.

I felt Ashley's lips leave my breasts and make their way down to my stomach where she let her tongue out to trace the contours of my abs. My muscles quivered under her touch as soft whimpers sounded from the back of my throat.

She kissed her way across my abs to the tattoo on my hip. I felt her smooth her hand across my skin before she traced the inked words with her tongue, making me tremble and writhe as each letter was etched. I gasped as she kissed over the words, never have I been more glad to have tattoos!

Ashley rose up a little and locked her eyes on mine as she traced the inked words with her finger tip, much like she did after the bands first jam session, the day the band got its name…Fear Itself. She bit her lip and lowered her lips back to the inked skin.

I pulled her up to me so I could plunder her mouth with my tongue, tasting her with an urgency that was almost overwhelming. I figured it was time to show her the same attention she had just shown me.

I kissed her hard and then flipped our positions so that I was lying above her. Ashley let out an incredibly sexy growl at the sudden role reversal, which made me smirk down at her. I raised myself up on my arms above her so I could gaze down into her darkening eyes. I reached up and tucked a loose and slightly sweaty curl behind her ear before leaning in and kissing her passionately on her full, kiss swollen lips.

I kissed my way from her lips, along her jaw line to her ear. I traced the shell with my tongue before whispering breathily, "God I love you."

Ashley beamed up at me and grasped the back of neck to pull my lips back to hers. She bit down gently on my lower lip, making me grunt loudly, before she released it to sooth the bite mark with her tongue. I smirked against her lips as we kissed hotly.

I dragged my lips from hers and assaulted her neck with hot, open mouthed kisses. Ashley tilted her head to the side and bit down on her lower lip as my lips and tongue tasted as much of her skin as I could.

I have to tell you that the scent of Ashley, this warm mix of cinnamon and coconut mixed with a uniquely Ashley aroma, was and is the most amazing thing in the world. It is the one smell that instantly calms me and makes me feel safe while at the same time also instantly turns me into a horny teenager that just wants to rip both our clothes off and take her wherever we are.

I traced the veins in her neck with my tongue, biting down gently on her pulse, relishing the loud moan that sounded around my room. I smirked and moved my mouth down her neck in teasing nips and licks until I bit down on the place where her neck met her shoulder.

Ashley threw her head back onto the bed while I moved my lips down across her chest to her heaving breasts. She really does have the most perfect body. She is tanned and toned while being incredibly feminine and soft. Her skin is smooth and always warm to the touch.

I glanced up into her eyes which were now a deep ebony with lust. I smirked widely before leaning in to trace a circle with my tongue around her nipple which hardened at my teasing touch. Ashley writhed beneath me whimpering in protest, "Oh for God's sake Spence, please stop teasing me before I lose my fucking mind!" She gasped out.

I chuckled, letting my warm breath tickle her over sensitized skin. I glanced up into her eyes and kept our gazes locked as I lowered my mouth over her straining nipple. I swirled my tongue around the hardened nub loving the way her body reacted to my touch.

Ashley's eyes slammed shut and her finger tips dug into my shoulder blades as her breathing came out in erratic gasps. I smirked again at the look of ecstasy on her face as I took her nipple in my teeth and bit down gently, earning me a loud gasp and growl.

I must admit having a drop dead gorgeous brunette writhing beneath me is one hell of an ego boost. In fact with her skin on mine there was not a thought in my head that didn't focus completely on her. All thoughts of everything bad and painful that was going on in my life were gone.

I kissed my way across to her other breast, taking the time to tease it the same way I had its partner. I traced my tongue around her satiny skin, making each circle smaller until my tongue was tickling her nipple. Ashley whimpered softly under her breath, moving her hands up to tangle in my hair and holding my head in position against her breast.

I really wasn't planning on going anywhere.

I kissed my way to the valley between her breasts and then began dropping a trail of wet kisses down her sternum to her stomach where I took the time to run my fingers over her well defined abs as my lips tasted the skin beneath her breasts.

I sensually drag my fingers up over her trembling body to her shoulders. From there I trace my finger tips over her collar bone and rise up to kiss her adoringly on the lips. I felt her hand work its way down between our bodies to tease my now soaking, aching centre.

I gasped and dug my fingers into her shoulders as my body collapsed on top of hers, effectively trapping her hand. Ashley grinned up at me and wiggled her fingers, making me moan and her smirk devilishly.

I could feel the wetness growing between my legs as she continued the movement of her trapped fingers. My body was literally trembling as she did amazing things to me considering her trapped status.

I raised myself up on my arms and smiled down at her. Ashley raised her head and kissed a trail up to my ear and whispered throatily, "you are driving me fucking crazy Spence, you need to let me touch you."

I chuckled breathlessly and moved slightly so that I was straddling her hips, giving her full access to my centre. I kissed her hard on the lips and dragged a hand down over her breasts, across her stomach and down between her legs where the evidence of her arousal quickly coated my fingers.

Ashley started up her gentle movement inside of me and I very nearly collapsed on top of her again. I began to tease her before tenderly entering her and mirroring the movement she was making within me.

It took all my restraint not to let my body collapse on top of hers again. She was driving me absolutely fucking crazy, of course crazy in the best possible way. I rested my forehead against her shoulder as I fought to maintain enough control to continue driving her towards her climax when all I wanted to do was succumb to the pleasure coursing through my body.

I felt Ashley's lips on my neck, tracing a scorching path up towards my lips. I raised my head from its resting place and captured her lips in a hungry kiss that was pretty much an inferno of intensity. We kissed until we absolutely could not go without oxygen any longer and then reluctantly separated. I rested my forehead on hers and locked our eyes.

There is something almost spiritual about looking into the eyes of the one you love as you both race towards what will be an intense and epic climax. In her eyes I could see a mirror of what I was feeling. There was lust, desire, pleasure, love and an almost animalistic, predatory look that just made me hot.

I thrust my fingers into her a little harder, making her gasp and slam her eyes shut. I kissed her cheeks, eye lids and lips before moving my lips to her ear to whisper breathlessly, "Open your eyes Brown, I need to see you."

Ashley complied and opened her heavily lidded intoxicating brown eyes to fix them on mine. She bit her lip and arched up into me as our movement inside each other increased. I felt her focusing on going deep rather than fast and mimicked her motions.

Ashley moved her free hand to the back of my neck and brought my lips to hers in a frantic kiss as she curled her fingers inside of me. I moaned into her kiss, gasping as I struggled to hold on until she could fall over the edge with me. "Oh God," I cried out as she repeated her motions.

I kissed her neck and bit down gently as I curled my own fingers within her. Ashley all but screamed out, "Fuck! Oh God Spence." Nice little ego boost for me!

We both increased our pace as our free hands teased and tormented burning skin. I looked down into her eyes and saw her nod, her way of telling me she was there. I kissed her hard and together we tumbled over the edge in one of the most intense and spectacular climaxes I have ever experienced.

I kept the movement of my fingers going until I felt her shudder and tumble over again. Ashley bit down on my lower lip and cried out my name into my kiss.

I slowed my movement, as she gently withdrew her fingers and ran gentle, comforting hands over my sweat slicked back.

I gently settled my trembling body over hers and buried my face in the crook of her neck, letting my tongue out to taste the salty sweetness of her damp skin. Ashley let out a throaty groan as she pulled my body impossibly close to her.

"Wow," She breathed out.

I let out a soft chuckle and just snuggled in closer on top of her. Ashley swept my sweat soaked hair back from my face and leaned in to kiss me lovingly on the forehead, "Seriously Spence, wow. That is one hell of a way to start the day!" Ashley said with a look of wonder on her face.

I hummed my agreement and let my heavy eye lids close. All that intense sex with my girl had worn me out…sleep time.

Ashley's POV

After what I would define as the single most intense sexual encounter of my life, save the first time I made love to Spencer, I held tight to my beautiful one as she rested on top of me.

I kissed her forehead lovingly and stroked the smooth, albeit sweaty, skin of her back as she lay over me. I watched as her big blue eyes grew sleepy and fluttered closed. She snuggled deeper into my embrace as her breathing evened out and sleep claimed her.

Spencer looked so innocent and beautiful as she slept. She lay on top of me, one hand resting on my collar bone and her legs snuggled between mine. I could feel the rise and fall of her chest as she slept and felt complete and total contentment. I stroked her hair back from her face, loving the silky sensation against my fingers.

Spencer Carlin was the epitome of perfection. No one else will ever come close.

I let my own eyes close and smiled as sleep overcame me. I expected I would be having some sweet dreams…

I woke up several hours later alone in Spencer's big bed, tangled up in her soft sheets. The room definitely smelt of sex, which made me chuckle to myself. We had been busy that morning and the night before.

When Spencer said she wanted to forget the trial by getting naked, a part of me thought she was kidding…man am I glad she wasn't! We had made love all night. Some of it was tender and loving, some hot and sensual and some…well some was pretty much animalistic and passionate. All of it was magic.

I heard the subtle sound of piano music filtering down the hallway and smiled to myself. You really couldn't keep my girl away from her music.

I rose from the bed and pulled on the black silk robe that was hanging over the end of the bed. Tying the sash securely around my waist I left the room and wandered down the hallway to her music room. Pausing in the doorway I was met with the most amazing sight. A sight that will forever live in my memory as not only the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but the fucking hottest sight I had ever seen too.

Spencer was seated at the piano, her eyes closed as a single tear traced her cheek. It was obvious by the transcendent smile on her lips that the tear was anything but sad. Oh and did I mention the fact she was totally naked? That would be where the hot came into it.

I leaned against the door jam, committing the sight to memory. Her fingers danced over the keys as the music soared to magnificent heights as it reached its crescendo. I clasped my hand over my heart and felt tears fill my own eyes. Tears of joy and tears in reaction to the incredible beauty I was privileged enough to witness.

I stood there in silence for a while, although I get the feeling she knew I was there the entire time and was letting me see her like that.

Once Spencer played the last note of her truly breath taking melody she opened her eyes and smiled adoringly at me, "Hello there Sleeping Beauty, did you sleep well?" She purred.

I walked into the room, stepping towards her as my eyes scanned her naked body hungrily. "Uh yeah I slept really well, I always sleep well with you in my arms," I murmured huskily.

Spencer smirked at me, clearly noticing my wandering eyes. I mean hello she was fucking naked and sitting at a piano…that is like my fantasy! "Well that's good, sorry I wasn't there when you woke up I had this urge to play something. Since the trial started I have been neglecting my music a little," She said with a soft smile.

I walked over and sat beside her on the piano stool, wrapping my arms around her bare shoulders, "Its ok Blue, I kind of like what I woke up to, seeing you sitting there at the piano, so raw and so free was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

Spencer smiled shyly, a slight blush colouring her cheeks, and leant further into me. I leaned over and dropped a sweet kiss on her forehead. Spencer's fingers came up to keys and she began playing random notes, which still sounded like a haunting melody.

I moved my lips until they were resting against her ear and whispered, "Play me something my love." Spencer shivered as my breath tickled her skin and nodded as she nervously bit her lip.

I removed my arm from her shoulders so I didn't get in the way and smiled loving at her as she thought for s moment. Spencer got a teasingly little smirk on her lips as she started playing a tune on the piano.

I instantly recognized the song and beamed at her as she winked and played several bars before she started belting out the lyrics with a cheeky smirk on her lips the whole time,

"Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick  
The one that makes me scream, she said  
The one that makes me laugh, she said  
And threw her arms around my neck

Show me how you do it  
And I promise you I promise that  
I'll run away with you  
I'll run away with you"

Spencer kept playing and leaned over to peck my cheek, sending me another wink as her fingers raced over the keys. Watching her fingers kind of made me think of all the things those fingers had been doing to me since we stumbled into her apartment the evening before…hot.

"Spinning on that dizzy edge  
I kissed her face and kissed her head  
And dreamed of all the different ways I had  
To make her glow (Spencer totally winked seductively at me when she sang this line)  
Why are you so far away? she said  
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you  
That I'm in love with you

You  
Soft and only  
You  
Lost and lonely  
You  
Strange as angels  
Dancing in the deepest oceans  
Twisting in the water  
You're just like a dream

You're just like a dream"

She played on, her fingers moving across the keys, her talent and passion for the music so evident it made me desperate to have those fingers on me…again. I think Spencer guessed the direction my thoughts had taken, judging from the widening of her smirk and the twinkling in her now navy blue eyes.

I slid my hand onto her bare thigh and beamed at the slight widening of her eyes. Spencer chuckled and began to sing again.

"Daylight licked me into shape  
I must have been asleep for days  
And moving lips to breathe her name  
I opened up my eyes  
And found myself alone alone  
Alone above a raging sea  
That stole the only girl I loved  
And drowned her deep inside of me

You  
Soft and only  
You  
Lost and lonely  
You  
Just like heaven"

Spencer played the last note and turned slightly to face me. I think she was about to ask me what I thought, but didn't get the chance because my lips were on hers.

I pressed my robed body into her bare one, kissing her deeply as her hands moved to the sash on my borrowed robe. She undid the knot and moved her hands inside of the robe to play my body with her fingers the way they had just played that piano.

I now have a new appreciation of Spencer's music room…and after that weekend every other room in her apartment.

We really did spend the weekend forgetting the trial by being naked…best weekend ever!

**Song used in this chapter:**

**Just Like Heaven by The Cure (awesome, awesome song…a must listen to!)**


	51. A Father's Shame

**Thank you everyone!**

ConnieLaxer12 – Hehe thanks, and thanks for reviewing!

Irishgrl33 – Yeah I love that song and have been waiting to use it. Thanks!

imaferrari – LOL thanks! I love the Cure, have done since I was a kid, so had to use this song. I wanted our girls to get to connect, and they did lol, thanks for my cyber hug!

Your Relentless Lover – This story isn't about sex…but I needed a break from writing drama lol. Glad you liked the visual…my brain was a fun place to be while I was writing it lol. Thanks!

uluvme – Well I don't live with my parents but I think my housemates would object to me and a girl spending a weekend like that at my house lol. Ah yes Spencer naked at the piano…a favourite visual of mine lol. Hehe thanks!

Born2Try, norar, LoveAsh87, Harley Quinn Davidson, DarceLynn – Hehe thanks, I needed a break from writing the drama!

WillowOn3 – Yep Tom and the lawyer are not loved. The defense attorney is just doing his job though. Hehe yeah I needed a break from writing the court room drama!

shayer – Well mission accomplished then lol. Yeah I like Ashley and Spencer's way of escaping reality lol…and you mean 'awesome song', good is not a strong enough word

30mafer04 – thanks! Will Tom get his? We'll see

mutt009 – Hehe well happy 23rd birthday for September then, all the best people are born in September lol. It was a much needed weekend, for the characters and me as a writer lol.

ashleyss27 – Wow thank you, glad you like the story! Thanks for the song tip, I'll check it out

**Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-One –**** A Father's Shame**

Spencer's POV

So after the single most magical, sensual and amazing weekends of my entire fucking life I was off to court again. Time for day three of Tom's trial to begin. I smoothed my hands down over my black pin stripe skirt, adjusted my sky blue button down shirt and took Ashley's offered hand as we walked inside the imposing looking building.

I smiled gratefully at my Dad, brothers and Chelsea who were already waiting outside the court room before turning to scold my band members who were once again in attendance when they should be in the studio working on our debut album.

"What are you guys doing here? Not that I'm not grateful, but shouldn't you all be in the studio or something?" I asked as I stood in front of Julian with my hands on my hips and a little teasing scowl on my face.

Julian laughed and shook his head, "First of all Spence, there is no conceivable way I was not going to be here to support my _best_ friend through this and secondly, we are not progressing our album until you and Ashley are there to progress it with us. The label gets it and is one hundred per cent supportive of this. Everything is on hold til this court case is done."

Julian smiled sweetly at me as I dropped Ashley's hand and launched myself into his arms. Julian swept me off my feet and hugged me close to him. I smiled against his muscular chest and held him close as he set me back on my feet.

While holding me tight in his arms Julian leaned in and whispered, "You totally got laid this weekend didn't you?"

I leant back so I could look up into his eyes incredulously. How the fuck had he picked up on that?

Sensing my inner thoughts Julian chuckled and leaned in to whisper, "Princess not only do you have a just been fucked glow, but you have this smile on your face which people only get after sex or winning the lottery."

I shook my head and laughed softly as I murmured, "I will neither confirm or deny your theory." Julian laughed and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.

Keeping my arm around him I turned to face everyone else with a warm smile, probably the largest one they had seen on me in a very long while. I was feeling pretty alright after my weekend with Ashley, rejuvenated and refreshed.

I guess an entire weekend of uninterrupted sex, nakedness and connecting with my really, really hot rock star girlfriend helped calm me and prepare me to face this stretch of the trial. This trial had taken its toll on me, it had tested my strength and my determination to never let Tom beat me. I had needed that weekend with Ashley to remind me that life was a beautiful thing worth fighting for.

We had locked the front door, turned off our cell phones and told all our well meaning loved ones that if they dared to interrupt us for anything other than an end of the world emergency we would cause them unimaginable pain and misery. So the only interruptions we had all weekend were the Chinese and pizza delivery guys, one of whom coped a good look at me wearing nothing at all when I wandered into the living room having not heard the knock at the door. Ashley had glared something fierce at the poor young guy who seemed to think staring at me was a good idea. Besides that, the rest of the weekend was just us.

That weekend revitalised me and gave me a fresh dose of hope and optimism. I had this little fluttering feeling in my chest, this little light feeling that was telling me that everything was going to be alright.

As long as I had Ashley, then everything was eventually going to turn out alright. How could it not?

I rested my cheek against Julian's chest and smiled over at my girl as my Dad slung his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. It meant a lot to me that my family liked Ashley and accepted her as a part of my life. Actually she was more than a part of my life, she was my life.

We stood in a group chatting, making small talk and all that good stuff and were soon joined by Kyla and Aiden. I gave each of them a hug, grateful for their support. I have said it before, but I am very lucky to have such a big support network.

I looked forward to getting to know both Kyla and Aiden better after the trial, given everything I had not really spent a lot of time with my girlfriend's sister and childhood best friend. That would soon be remedied.

It wasn't long before we were all called into the huge, echoing court room for another gruelling day of the trial. I walked in that morning feeling strong and more determined than I had before. I don't know if it was really a weekend of uninterrupted Ashley sex time and togetherness, or if maybe I was just finding a new reserve of hope, but I had this contented feeling that everything was going to work out.

I took my seat between Ashley and my Dad, sitting tall and strong, clutching each of their hands in mine. I fixed my eyes on the door and when the guards brought Tom in I just looked at him, really looked at him for the first time since this trial had started.

I looked past the smug arrogance and the cocky bullshit swagger and just saw a sad, pathetic little man who knew he would never amount to anything and wanted the world to suffer for it. Tom was haggard and thin beneath his shoddy suit. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and that it had been months since his last proper meal. He didn't look so scary to me in that moment. He wasn't the bogey man, he was someone to be pitied.

He had hurt me, torn me down and made me vulnerable in a way I never wanted to be again. He made me a victim and that was one thing I never wanted to experience. He took my power from me, in a way only weak people ever use, and now I was taking it back. He could not hurt me anymore.

Tom sneered over at me and I just looked at him, keeping my face expressionless. I saw his face fall for a moment at my total lack of response to his taunting gaze before he was back to smirking smugly over at me and mine in a way that made my skin crawl.

I shook my head and turned my head so that I could look into Ashley's beautiful big brown eyes. She smiled softly and leaned in to press a chaste kiss to my lips. I tilted my head and sent a loving smile her way before leaning over and resting my head on her shoulder.

Ashley dropped a tender kiss on my temple and wrapped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a gentle squeeze, "I love you Baby," she whispered.

I smiled against her neck and placed a soft kiss on her silky skin, earning me a hitch in her breathing, before I murmured, "I love you too."

I stayed snuggled in her arms until it was time to rise for the judge. Judge Kramer walked in and surveyed the court room over the rim of her glasses. She looked over at me and seemed to almost smile as our eyes briefly connected. I may have been imagining it though. She took her seat and shuffled her papers as we all took our seats.

I looked up at the Judge and waited as the proceedings began. Felicity rose from the prosecution table in her perfectly tailored black power suit, intimidating me even though she was on my side. I really wouldn't ever want to get on the wrong side of Felicity Crompton! She smiled at the jury and said loudly and clearly, "the prosecution calls Mr William Brooks to the stand."

I snapped my eyes around to catch sight of the elder Mr. Brooks rising from his seat next to his wife and striding over to the witness stand. He took his seat, refusing to even glance over at his progeny, he had made his feelings about Tom very clear. The bailiff swore him in and Mr. Brooks settled in his seat and turned his steely gaze to Felicity. He looked far too composed for someone who was about to testify against his own son.

Felicity strode confidently over to the witness stand and began her questioning, "Mr. Brooks could you please state your relationship with the defendant?"

Mr. Brooks nodded and said in his strong, slightly gruff voice, "Certainly, the defendant, Thomas Brooks, is my son."

"Thank you Mr. Brooks. In a statement you gave to the police you detailed your involvement in your son and Miss Carlin's relationship, could you please tell us a little about that?" Felicity asked with a hint of a smile on her lips.

"Well I know Paula, Miss Carlin's mother, through mutual friends and we figured my son and her daughter would make a good pair. My son was in an unsatisfactory relationship with a woman who passed away during his college years and I felt it was high time he started dating a woman more in line with his social standing. After many months Paula and I were able to convince our kids that they should enter into a relationship that was mutually beneficial for both children and their families," Mr. Brooks said.

I hated the way he talked about all of this as though it was a business deal. I mean I guess in a way the relationship between Tom and I was a business deal orchestrated by my mother and Tom's father…a deal that had turned pretty fucking sour to put it bluntly.

Felicity frowned a little at Mr. Brooks, you kind of got the impression that she did not like him much at all. She folded her arms over her chest and asked, "Ok can you please tell the court how you found out about the end of your son's relationship with Miss Carlin and what happened between you and Tom later that same night?"

Mr. Brooks shuffled in his seat a little, the only obvious sign that he was uncomfortable. He was very good at keeping his composure. "Well I was out at dinner with a former business associate when I saw Spencer dining with Miss Davies. I assumed she was out for a meal with a friend and went over to say hello and to make sure she and Tom were still joining my wife and myself for dinner that coming weekend," Mr. Brooks paused and turned to look over at me briefly.

I met his unreadable gaze and held it until he turned to look back at Felicity, "Spencer seemed very confused that I assumed her and my son were still an item. She told me they had broken up a few days prior and that she was surprised he hadn't told me. I was rather surprised myself. Spencer then informed me that she was gay and that was the reason she had ended things with Tom. I will admit I was rather rude and cruel towards her following her confession, for that I am sorry," he cast his eyes over to me again and even flashed me a tiny smile.

I smiled back thinly and felt Ashley squeeze my hand comfortingly in hers. I turned and flashed her a loving smile before facing the front of the court again.

Mr. Brooks glanced at Ashley quickly before continuing, "I said some awful things to Spencer that night, which were all unacceptable. I behaved appallingly. I am sorry to say that was not the worst of my behaviour that night. Following my encounter with Spencer and Miss Davies I went to visit my son." For the first time since he had entered the court room Mr. Brooks looked over at Tom.

His expression remained unreadable as he took a moment to just gaze at his only child. He cleared his throat and let a frown wrinkle his brow, "Well I found Tom drunk, as was often the case with him of late. I was so angry and so disappointed. I felt like he must have turned Spencer gay or done something really wrong to have her leave him for another woman. He was, and is, a disgrace to his mother and myself."

A loud sniffling could be heard echoing across the court room at his words and I turned to see Mrs. Brooks crying into her handkerchief. I did feel bad for that woman, she was a quite lady, reserved and dignified, but she did love her son very much. She had put Tom up on a pedestal and for his entire life had him convinced he could do no wrong. She enabled him to be a jackass really.

Mr. Brooks looked sadly over at his wife before sliding his poker face back on and continuing, "Well I told Tom about running into Spencer and Miss Davies and yelled at him for not telling me that their relationship had ended. I felt at the time that had he told me about the relationships demise could have found a strategy to fix things between Spencer and Tom before people found out. I was just fed up with my son disappointing me. I mean he disrespected me and his mother by getting engaged to a woman we openly disapproved of and then when we found him a nice girl from a good family he couldn't even keep her." Mr. Brooks shook his head and scowled down at the floor.

"Ok Mr. Brooks what happened next?" Felicity prodded, a slight frown on her face.

"After that I said some pretty horrible things. I told Tom that he mustn't be much of a man if his girlfriend would rather live a life of sin with another woman then stay with him. Tom said he tried to get her to stay and I didn't believe him. I told him I was surprised he could even function given how monumentally stupid he was. I told him he must have tuned Spencer gay. I was so angry by this point, I was yelling a lot. I gave Tom everything. I got him into college, welcomed him back into my life after he disgraced us with his former fiancé, got him a job and got him Spencer…all of which he managed to mess up," Mr. Brooks snapped as frustration marred his expression.

He ran his hand through his steel grey hair and sighed loudly before continuing, "I gave my son every opportunity to succeed and instead of making him a better man it just made him weak. My son is a pathetic boy pretending to be a man. He would be nothing without all that myself and my wife have done for him. I told him I would no longer support him or bail him out. I was so ashamed and disappointed. From that moment on I hardly consider that man," Mr. Brooks pointed harshly at Tom who visibly winced, "my son. I left his house after that. The attempted rape is said to have occurred early the next morning. I am deeply remorseful that my son took it upon himself to hurt Spencer. I may not agree with her lifestyle choice, but I will not ever stand for violence against women. Spencer did not deserve what my son did to her."

The jury, hell the entire court room, all sat silent as they processed what Mr. Brooks had said. I swallowed around the gold ball sized lump in my throat and blinked back the tears that wanted so desperately to fall. Mr. Brooks looked over at me, a look of deep remorse in his eyes. He was a misguided old fool, but you could see that underneath his tough exterior this was breaking his heart.

Felicity let the silence hang over the room for a bit longer, giving time for the impact of Mr. Brooks' words to truly resonate with the jury members.

Finally she stepped closer to the witness stand and looked right into Mr. Brooks' eyes and asked in a clear, strong voice, "Given your knowledge of your son, his personality and his past behaviours do you believe he is guilty of the crime he is accused of?"

"Objection! Conjecture!" Mr. Farmer called out.

"I am merely asking for Mr. Brooks to tell the court if he thinks his son is capable of committing the crime that he is accused of. Having raised his son and knowing him so well, Mr. Brooks has knowledge of his son that few other people could ever have. His opinion on this is relevant," Felicity explained.

Judge Kramer looked down at Tom for a moment and then nodded, "Ok I'll allow it, but be very careful with this line of questioning Ms. Crompton."

"Thank you your honour, Mr. Brooks shall I repeat the question?" Felicity said.

"No that won't be necessary. In my opinion, based on what I know about my son…yes I think he is more than capable of doing what he is accused of," the entire court room gasped at his answer and I had to close my eyes against the tears of relief that wanted to fall. Mr. Brooks sighed and continued, "I am deeply ashamed that a son of mine could think that it is alright to use violence and force against a woman. I am ashamed that he shares my blood. I have not always been a good father, and many think me a cold hearted man, but I have always impressed on my son that violence and force used against a woman is unacceptable."

"Thank you Mr. Brooks. I have no further questions at this time your honour," Felicity said before turning back to her table. She looked up and caught my eye, sending me what I think just might have been a little look of triumph. God I hope so!

Judge Kramer looked over to the scruffy little defence attorney who was shuffling his notes around and mumbling a little under his breath, "Mr. Farmer your witness."

Mr. Farmer nodded and got to his feet to shuffle over to the witness stand nervously. He kind of looked like any loud noise was going to send him cowering under the nearest desk or table. He was definitely not an impressive or awe inspiring man.

"Thank...thank you your honour. Mr. Brooks, prior to this alleged attempted rape has your son ever been charged or accused of violence or sexual assault against a woman to your knowledge?" Mr. Farmer mumbled.

Mr. Brooks cleared his throat and shook his head, "No, not to my knowledge."

"Ok, what about violence towards anyone? Has Tom ever been accused or charged with assault or any other violent crime to your knowledge?" Mr. Farmer prodded.

"No he had not, not that I know of anyway," Mr. Brooks said with a deep frown on his face.

"What about as a child, did Tom have any disciplinary issues when it came to girls and/or violence?" Mr. Farmer asked with a raised eye brow.

"No, nothing other than reprimands for bullying in his sophomore and junior years of high school. He knuckled down senior year because we wanted him to get grades good enough to get into a decent college so he could go onto law school which was always the plan for him," Mr. Brooks answered, his usually gravelly voice even more so.

"Thank you Mr. Brooks, nothing further," Mr. Farmer said as he ambled back to his seat.

Judge Kramer looked over at Felicity, "Miss Crompton, do you have any more questions?"

"Yes I do your honour," Felicity got to her feet and strode over towards Mr. Brooks. She folded her arms over her chest and asked, "So Tom has a history of bullying and intimidating behaviour then?"

Mr. Brooks sighed and nodded, "Yes he does. Tom was disciplined numerous times for bullying at high school, as I said, and I have heard reports that he was often caught engaging in intimidating and bullying behaviour in his workplace as well."

"Hmm thank you Mr. Brooks I have nothing further," Felicity said with a soft smile before retaking her seat.

Judge Kramer released Mr. Brooks and called a short recess before the next witness was to be called.

I sent Mr. Brooks a small smile of thanks as he strode past me on his way back to his seat. A smile that, to my surprise, he returned with the most sincere smile I had ever seen grace his grumpy face.

It's nice to know he was human after all.


	52. Mending Bridges

**Thank you for reading and reviewing! I am constantly humbled by you all!**

lilce1992 – Feel bad for Tom? Really? That's interesting, I tend to think he's getting what he deserves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Your Relentless Lover – Ah sorry, sadly the weekend could not continue…the trial must go on! The trial will be wrapping up soon, actually the whole fic will be wrapping up soon. Thanks!

ConnieLaxer12 – Mr. Brooks is a complex man, cold and calculating but he did the right thing. Lol love your review, thanks for making me laugh! Thanks heaps!

mutt009 – lol I'll take it under advisement my friend. Thanks!

WillowOn3 – Thanks! I wanted Spencer to start to get some fight back and Mr. Brooks…well he is a complex character!

Born2Try – Thanks so much!

uluvme – Oh I am jealous of that delivery boy too! Everyone vs. Buttface huh? Seems like. Dude, yep Mr. Brooks smiled at Spencer, thus proving he isn't a totally douche!

imaferrari – Yeah I love Julian too, I like writing him and Spencer's interactions. The weekend of lovin was very good for Spencer…I think we could all use an Ashley lol

hphglover – Ah no…I don't want you to have an aneurysm!

**You know the drill, SoN is not mine**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-Two ****– Mending Bridges**

Spencer's POV

As soon as the Judge had left the room and Tom was hand cuffed and led out of the court by the guards I leaned over and kissed Ashley gently on the cheek, causing her to blush and smile bashfully over at me.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned to see my Kate sitting with Kyla and Aiden. She sent me a warm smile, before sending one Ashley's way too. "How you doing today Blondie?" Kate asked softly. She was the only person on the entire planet who I would allow to call me Blondie. From anyone else that nickname made me flash back to Carmen using it to mock me, from Kate it reminded me of a time when I was innocent and the world wasn't so complicated.

I flashed her a small smile and replied, "I'm ok, feeling a bit more positive than I was last week. It's still pretty hard though."

Kate smiled sympathetically and nodded, "I don't doubt that Blondie, just know that I'm here if you need anything, that goes for both of you," Kate smiled over at Ashley who beamed gratefully back at her.

It was nice that they could get along. I know Ashley had her insecurities and jealousy when it came to Kate and I get why, she was my first love after all, but Kate is just a friend now. I consider her a close friend and I am just so happy that she and Ash can get along without there being any awkwardness or weirdness.

We all chatted for a little longer, just meaningless small talk that helped kept my mind mostly off the remaining leg of the trial that we still had to get through. I so just wanted it all to be over so I could get on with my life.

I had dreams of being able to live my life and not have it revolve around this trial and Tom Brooks. I wanted to throw myself into my music and my relationship. I wanted to travel and see the world. I wanted to spend time with my nephew and reconnect with all the friends I pushed away after Carmen.

I lost so many people after the rape. I pulled away from everyone, shut myself off from the world. So many people had tried initially to keep the friendships going, but stop trying after a while. I don't blame them really, but now I know that once this is all over I want to start rebuilding those bridges.

In short I wanted to get my life back, a life that would be fuller and richer than it ever had been because I was blessed to have Ashley and my band.

Soon it was time for the trial to begin again. Everyone retook their seats on the hard wooden benches and Tom was brought back in, I resolutely avoided his glare and focused on the door the judge would be appearing through.

Soon the bailiff called for everyone to stand. We rose to our feet respectfully as Judge Kramer came back in, adjusting her glasses while she took her seat. Once we got the ok we all sat down, with me now snuggled in my rightful place under Ashley's arm again. I just felt so safe in her arms, so very safe.

Felicity rose to her feet and faced the court room with a solemn expression on her face as she said clearly, "The prosecution calls Mrs. Paula Carlin to the stand."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip, slumping against Ashley limply. This testimony was going to be difficult to hear, no doubt about it. I knew what my mother had done, I knew her involvement in all of this, but listening to it was going to be painful.

I turned my head and let my eyes follow my mother's movement towards the witness stand. She looked nervous, she was wringing her hands anxiously in front of her and flicking her eyes around the room.

As Paula took her seat and was sworn in her eyes caught mine. I bit my lip and stared right back at her, feeling immense sadness at the expression on her face. She looked so lost and broken, like the weight of it all was practically crushing her. The once intimidating, strong women just looked beaten.

I looked up at the woman who was once my best friend, protector and biggest supporter and felt intense sadness that we had lost that. She had done a lot wrong, that much is true, but for better or worse she was still my mother.

I sent her a tiny smile, which she nervously returned, as Felicity stepped forward to begin her questions. "Mrs. Carlin you are Spencer's mother correct?"

"Yes I am," Paula said in a shaky voice.

Felicity smiled kindly in an effort to calm the clearly nervous woman and continued, "Ok and you were instrumental in your daughter beginning a relationship with Tom Brooks?"

"Yes I uh was. I pushed Spencer until she really had no choice but to give in to what I wanted. She was always a very agreeable child and had always done what I told her to do…that is until she announced to the entire family one night at dinner that she was…well…gay," My mother whispered the last word, almost as if she was scared to say it too loudly. Maybe in her mind it was more real when said out loud.

"I will admit that I handled her announcement very badly. I called her disgusting and slapped her across the face." The court room gasped at that and many turned to flash me looks of sympathy as Paula continued, "I then kicked her out of the house and she went to live with her older brother. At the time I thought I was saving her, I thought if I showed her some tough love she would come back to a decent, normal way of life, but I was wrong. I let my narrow minded religious beliefs cloud my judgement and ended up hurting my baby girl in the process. Spencer will probably never forgive me for what I have done to her, but I _know_ I will never forgive myself," Paula paused as tears began to fall in torrents down her face.

I felt tears start to fall from my own eyes. I had spent so long being angry at my mother, but now seeing her breaking down up on the stand I kind of just saw her as a woman who's entire belief system had been challenged. I mean she had spent her entire life believing in what the bible and the church was saying, believing what my grandparents told her and what her friends said.

She was told from an early age that homosexuality was a sin punishable by eternal damnation so finding out her daughter was gay would have been one hell of a shock. I am in no way excusing her behaviour, the way she has treated me is disgusting and totally unacceptable...but she is still my mother and I love her.

Paula Carlin is a product of the world she grew up in.

Paula wiped her eyes and cleared her throat before continuing, "I just couldn't find a way to accept her lifestyle when everything I had ever been taught was telling me it was wrong. Then Spencer turned up on my door step more upset then I had ever seen her. She was also bruised and beaten. I pulled her into my arms and brought her inside. She was so distraught. Finally she told me what had happened, that Carmen Mendez had raped her." Paula paused, her body literally trembling with emotion as she relived that day. I guess I never really thought about how hard it would have been for her to have heard what had happened to me.

I can't even begin to imagine how awful it would have been to open the front door to find your daughter broken both physically and emotionally. It must have been heart breaking.

Paula took a deep breath before continuing again, "I felt so angry and so horrified that this had happened to my daughter. It was like living one of my worst nightmares. I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. Opening that door to find my little girl broken and violated was heart breaking," Paula paused and took a deep shuddering breath.

"I got it into my head that had Spencer been straight then this would not have happened to her. I felt that if only she had listened to me when I told her that being gay was wrong then this attack would not have ever happened. I convinced Spencer that I would have what happened to her covered up and make sure no one ever knew. I convinced her to keep it from her father and brothers and without meaning to made her deeply ashamed of what happened to a point where she pulled away from pretty much everyone and became a shell of the woman she used to be. Once the rape was under wraps using my contacts and Carmen was in jail I met Tom. I knew his father, Bill, through a mutual friend, but I only met Tom when he represented a friend of mine in her divorce. I decided that Spencer needed to date a man, go back to a proper way of life."

Felicity looked like she was biting her tongue to keep from saying something in response to what my mother had just said. I had an inkling that Felicity may have been part of the sisterhood and was not taking my mother's homophobic attitude well at all. She forced a little smile and said, "Thank you Mrs. Carlin, now could you please tell the court about your daughter's relationship with Tom Brooks?"

"Well I convinced myself that they were happy, that they were this picture perfect couple...they weren't. Had I been thinking about anyone besides myself and my issues I would have seen that Spencer was miserable and that Tom was controlling, manipulative and possessive. Every time I saw them together there was a tension and wariness between them that I just ignored. Tom used to often come running to me whenever he and Spencer had a fight and then I would come down hard on her, remind her of what Carmen did to her and used it as a means to make my daughter behave the way I wanted her to. I was such a fool and I should never be forgiven for what I have done to Spencer," my mother said softly as fresh tears pooled in her eyes.

I stifled a choked sob and leaned heavily into Ashley. She held me to her and stroked her fingers through my long blonde hair soothingly. I felt my Dad give my hand a gentle squeeze and squeezed back, hearing my mother's testimony must not be easy for him either. I knew that he felt responsible that a lot of what happened to me because he did not stop it. I wish I had gone to my Dad instead of my mother after what Carmen did to me...but then again maybe everything happened as it was meant to so that it led me to Ashley. I don't know.

All I really know is that this was not easy for any of us.

"Mrs. Carlin, after you found out the video of Spencer being raped by Carmen Mendez had been released on to the internet you went to see Tom Brooks, why was that?" Felicity asked, her voice remaining neutral despite the tightening of her hands into fists.

"Well I received a phone call from an old friend at the police station to inform me that the video had been stolen from the police evidence archives and I had already heard that Tom and Spencer had broken up so I put two and two together. I knew Tom knew more about Spencer's past than I had told him, he was always so curious about what had happened and I only told him the bare minimum details, which apparently just fed his curiosity. He liked to be in control and to know everything that was going on so he could manipulate any given situation to suit himself so it wasn't a stretch to assume that he released the video onto the internet in an effort to both manipulate my daughter and gain revenge for her breaking up with him," Paula said, ending it with a sad sigh. She ran her hand through her blonde hair, so like mine, and bit her lip.

Paula looked over at me before she continued, "I went to Tom's that morning because I knew in my heart he had released that video and I wanted to confront him about it. I know I have done a lot to hurt my daughter, but I love her and I couldn't abide him hurting her like that, not to mention the fact that I had worked so hard to make sure that event in Spencer's life stayed hidden. I did not want it getting out, I did not want people to know what had happened to Spencer. I really just wanted to protect her."

I let out a deep shuddering breath and held my mother's gaze. I actually believed that, I believed that she had really just wanted to protect me. She went about it in the worst way but ultimately I knew she just wanted what she thought was best for me. Ashley dropped a tender kiss to my temple and tightened her hold on me. I relaxed into her embrace and breathed in her familiar scent as her hands moved soothingly over me.

Felicity nodded stiffly and asked, "Did Tom tell you he had released the video?"

Paula shifted her gaze from mine to glance over at Tom who was sneering at her hatefully. She fixed him with an icy glare that would frighten a heavy weight boxer and said in a clear, strong voice, "Yes he did. Tom bragged to me about it."

Pretty much every jury member glared angrily over at Tom upon hearing that. I mean it was a disgusting thing to do. To not only release a video of someone being raped but to then gloat about it? His smug arrogance was really not doing him any favours. I felt a little smile of what could maybe be triumph flash through my tears.

I blinked back more tears and relaxed a little more into Ashley's arms. Felicity stepped back a little so she was facing the jury as well as Paula and said softly, "Thank you Mrs. Carlin, I have no further questions."

Judge Kramer glanced over the tops of her glasses at the public defender and said, "Your witness Mr. Farmer."

The defence lawyer barely looked up from his messy notes as he muttered, "I have no questions at this time your honour."

Tom glared over at his attorney and began whispering angrily, I assume he had some questions he wanted my mother asked.

Judge Kramer nodded and turned to my mother, "Mrs. Carlin you may step down."

Paula got shakily to her feet and stumbled back to her seat, our eyes caught for a brief moment as she passed me and I sent her a look of thanks. Taking the stand would not have been easy for her. I knew that all too well after my time up there.

It wasn't long before the judge called a halt to the proceedings for the day. It had been a long, draining and exhausting day and I was glad it was over.

I held Ashley's hand in mine as we walked out of the court room on tired, stiff legs. I felt like I needed to sleep for a week…which may have also had something to do with the weekend of hot, unbridled sex with my rocker girlfriend. I know, I have a tough life!

As we stepped out of the room I looked over and saw my mother leaning against the far wall watching me sadly. I turned to Ashley, who looked at me with a look of pure understanding and said softly, "Go talk to her, I'll be with everyone in the café down the street that serves those muffins you like so much. Just come and find us when you're done and call me if you need to."

I smiled gently at her and leaned in to press a loving kiss to her lips, whispering, "Thank you."

I stepped out of her arms and across the foyer towards my mother, this was going to be one hell of an interesting conversation.

I stopped a few feet away from Paula and looked up into her sad blue eyes. I bit my lip and took a step closer, taking a deep breath before asking softly, "Um I was wondering if you had some time to talk?"

Paula swallowed audibly and nodded quickly as she said, "Of course, yes I do."

I smiled thinly and shuffled my feet a little as I said, "Well there is a little diner down the street, maybe we could go and grab a coffee while we talk?"

Paula flashed me a warm smile and nodded again, "Sure Spencer that would be great."

I smiled shyly and led the way out of the court house. Paula kept step with me as we wandered down the street into this cute little diner I had been to once or twice. We slid into a booth near the window and stared awkwardly around the room, neither of us really knowing where to begin.

We were, blissfully, interrupted from our awkward silence by the arrival of a waitress looking to take our drink order. We both ordered coffee and sat in even more awkward silence until our coffees were placed in front of us.

I bit my lip and stared down into the depths of my coffee cup, aimlessly stirring the liquid to give my hands something to do. I heard Paula clear her throat and looked up to find her blue-grey eyes looking sadly across the table at me.

I flashed her a brief smile and said in a choked voice, "So um, thank you for uh taking the stand today. I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate you doing it."

"Of course, I just wanted to help Spencer," Paula let out a deep, sad sigh and wrung her hands nervously in front of her as she whispered so softly I could hardly hear it, "I have made so many mistake, so many mistakes. I let you down. I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be. I failed as your mother and I know I can never make that go away."

I bit down on my lip and blinked back tears, hearing her talk like that just brought it all back…not that it ever really went away. She had let me down so badly time and time again.

Paula reached out as if to grab my hand and retracted her fingers as I tensed up. I smiled apologetically and shuffled nervously in my seat. Paula nodded, understanding on her face, as she said softly, "I have done so much soul searching since that day you confronted me and your Dad asked me to leave. I still regularly have counselling with my priest. He has offered me so much guidance and helped me to see the error of my ways."

I shook my head and sighed tiredly, "I'm glad for that, glad you have him to talk to. I just wish that you had been able to see 'the error of your ways' without having to have a priest point it out to you. I wish you had loved me enough that hurting me the way you did wasn't even an option."

"Spencer...I...I uh I'm sorry. I just had a lifetime of beliefs and religious teachings to move past. I have spent my entire life being told that homosexuality is a sin, my family and everything I have ever believed in taught me that being gay is wrong and will earn you a one way ticket to hell. I know how cruel the world can be to people who are gay, I didn't want that for you and I didn't know how to stop you going down a path I had always been told was wrong," Paula said as tears shone in her eyes.

I sighed again, I had a feeling I was going to be doing a lot of sighing during this conversation, "I get that, I do. God I struggled so much with the feelings I was having because of all the religious things I have been hearing since I was a child. You have told me all my life that being gay was wrong. I hid my feelings for so long Mom, so damn long, because I was scared of how you would react. I never worried about Dad or Clay and Glen, I knew they would love me regardless…but you, I was so scared to lose you. I know me being gay was and is a struggle for you, but I just can't help but think that a parent's job is to love their child no matter what and you failed at that."

Paula nodded as the tears broke free from her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. I picked up my coffee mug and took a deep drink as I tried to hold in my own tears.

Paula took a deep, shuddering breath, "I know Spence, I know. I just wanted you to have the best life possible."

"Well shouldn't I get to decide what that will mean for _me_. Mom I didn't ask to be gay," I whispered sadly.

Paula let out a deep sigh, "I know that now…its just back then I couldn't see past how people would see you living a life like that…I couldn't get past how I saw people who made that choice. It was a life I could not see myself being a part of."

I nodded slowly and murmured, "And now?"

"Now, I can't bare the thought of losing you from my life. I lost my family with my intolerance, I've lost the chance to be a grandmother to Jamie, a mother to you, Clay and Glen and a wife to your Dad. I may never get my family back…I probably don't deserve to, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this right," Paula said with feeling.

I closed my eyes and felt a single tear slid down my cheek in a hot trail. I bit my trembling lower lip and forced my eyes open to meet hers. She reached out and took my hand in hers…and I let her. I let out a shaky breath as I murmured, "We have a lot to work through, but I am willing to try."

I clung to my mother's hand in a grip that must have hurt as I gazed into her familiar blue-grey eyes. She smiled tearfully at me, happy tears making their way down her cheeks. "Thank you Spencer."

I nodded and blinked back tears as I struggled to find any more words to say.

My mother squeezed my hand gently and said softly, "Are you happy? I mean other than all this stuff with Tom and me, are you happy Spencer?"

I answered immediately, "Yes."

"Ashley makes you happy?" Paula asked with a small smile.

"Yes she does," I smiled tenderly as I thought of my girl, "She is the single best thing to ever happen to me. I love her Mom." I smiled gently at her as she beamed at me calling her Mom.

"Then you're lucky Spence, hold onto her and the happiness you've found. How can love be wrong when it makes you smile like that?" My mother said as more tears fell from her eyes.

I couldn't tell if they were happy or sad tears. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and choked out, "I wish you had realised that earlier Mom."

"I know…" she began, only to be cut off.

"I never asked for this you know, no one would chose this life. Why would anyone choose to be in a minority group that is hated by parts of society just because of who they love? No one would choose that. I didn't ask to be gay, but I won't apologise for the fact that I am. I am gay Mom and proud of it. I am in love with a beautiful, amazing woman who makes me feel more love in one glance than I ever had. She loves me more in a single minute than anyone else could in an entire life time," I said with feeling, a smile breaking out on my face as my thoughts were filled with Ashley.

"I understand, I wish I had understood it sooner. I had a lot to learn Spencer, a lot of teachings to _undo_ as well. I would like to meet Ashley, if and when you're ready for that to happen of course. I'd like to meet the woman who makes you so happy," Paula said with a gentle, sincere smile.

I couldn't believe the woman sitting across from me was the same woman who had called me disgusting and slapped me when I came out to her. The woman sitting there was the mother I used to know, the woman who had been my best friend and tower of support. I had missed her.

"You really want to meet her?" I asked softly, needing her to say it again.

My mother gave my hand a squeeze and nodded with a sincere smile, "Yes I would. She is a big part of your life and I want to know her…not to mention the fact I am a big fan of hers."

I raised my eyebrow and smiled in disbelief, "What?"

My mom smirked and nodded, "Well there is this band that has been getting a lot of attention of late, Fear Itself…maybe you've heard of them? Their first single, Breakeven, is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. It is beautiful and so heartfelt that it brings tears to my eyes. I went out and bought the single Spence, it is incredible. I especially loved that song, Come Down To Me, that is on the Breakeven single. I read in a magazine that Ashley wrote that about you…if she loves you that much then I'd love to meet her."

"Seriously? You aren't just saying this? I mean you're really serious about this aren't you?" I asked, a smile just waiting to break out on my face.

My Mom slipped out of her chair across from me and moved to kneel down beside me as she held my hand in hers. She smiled tearfully up at me and said with so much sincerity I had no choice but to believe her, "I have never been more serious in my life. I mean it Spencer, I want to meet Ashley and I want to be a part of both your lives if you'll let me."

I stared at her for a moment and then launched myself out of my seat and into her waiting arms. Mom stood up slowly, still holding me to her and cradled me to her lovingly. I cried openly against her shoulder as she rocked me and whispered over and over how much she loved me and how sorry she was.

I don't know how long we stood like that, with my mother holding me in a way she hadn't in a very long time. I had missed this. The other patrons of the diner sent us odd looks, probably assuming someone had died or something based on all the tears I was shedding.

Finally I pulled back and flashed a watery smile up at my mother. She grinned her own watery smile down at me and tucked some lose strands of blonde behind my ear before using her thumbs to wipe away my tears. I took her hand and choked out, "Come and meet Ash now."

Paula's eye brows shot up and she looked at me excitedly, "Really? Now? You sure?"

I nodded, "Yeah I am, no time like the present." I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze.

My Mom nodded, "Ok, yeah let's do it."

I dropped some money onto the diner table, ignoring my mother telling me she would pay, and dragged her to the door. Once we were outside I spun around and fixed my eyes on hers, "Just a warning Dad, Glen, Clay, Chelsea and a few others are with Ashley right now."

I saw my mother take a deep breath and nod, "Ok, lead the way."

I smiled reassuringly at her and started leading her by the hand to the café where the others were waiting for me. This was probably going to be interesting to say the least.


	53. You Can Always Find Me

**Well, well thank you for the interesting and kind reviews!**

DarceLynn – Exactly, Paula messed up and she knows it.

Your Relentless Lover – Sorry, this story has to end. I am thinking it won't go past chapter 60. I am not planning a sequel, this story is taking a lot out of me.

Harley Quinn Davidson, imaferrari, lilce1992, Alice-Bella-Cullen-Love – Thanks so much!

ConnieLaxer12 – Well you do your job well! 'Bountiful cornucopia of updates'? Wow lol. Of course Mama C was a closeted Fear Itself fan…they rock! As for Ashley and Paula in the closet together…I think Spencer may not love that idea! Thank you my reviewing jester!

Tear-Storming Sea – Ok so I took some time to think about your questions and decided to try to answer them. To me Mr. Brooks is not a hero, he is a cold hearted man who made his son a monster and then turned on him because he brought shame to the family. I think love for a child should be unconditional, but there comes a point where no matter how much you love someone you can't condone or support what they do (i.e. what Tom did to Spencer). I also don't think Paula is a hero in this, I think she is taking steps to make amends, but she is no hero. I think its more grey than that. I don't think you can just turn off love, nor should you. I think that love for anyone, child, sibling, parent, lover, friend, is there and cannot be turned off, but I think it can get to a point where you love them but cannot support them and their actions (i.e. the parents of murderers and rapists). I think it's a complicated issue that has no simple answer. I'm sorry if none of that made any sense!

shayer – Well I know that not everyone's experience coming out was as positive as mine so I wanted to represent that, plus it was time to bring Paula back into the fold. Thank you

mutt009 – Sorry! I do love leaving a cliffhanger though lol

hphglover – Wow thank you! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your Mom. I was fortunate to have a good experience coming out to my parents, but sadly it is far too common for reactions like Paula's to happen. Thank you for your kinds words…I am pretty much speechless, which NEVER happens!

uluvme – Yep one bad guy to go! Well maybe it is…being a lesbian could be like joining a world wide sorority lol. Yeah the my Kate thing bugged me too…I just couldn't think of another way to distingusish between her and Glen's Kate…naming them the same thing was a total accident lol

WillowOn3 – I'm sorry to have made you cry. I am glad it can give you hope though. I will admit this story has a very detailed plan in place that I am constantly referring too. I would love to teach you, but I have no idea how this writing thing happens! I get inspired and start writing lol

Born2Try – Yeah Paula is really trying to make things right. The love between Spencer and Ashley…well it makes me wish I had it in my life lol. Good memory, Blondie was what Ashley tried to call Spencer before being shot down.

**As always, SoN is not mine.**

**As indicated this story will be wrapping up very soon!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-Three ****– You Can Always Find Me**

Ashley's POV

I was just taking a sip from my now lukewarm coffee when I looked up and saw the last sight I had expected to see. I started choking, resulting in Kyla thumping me hard on the back a few times as I coughed and spluttered violently.

"You alright Ashley?" Arthur asked as he turned to see what had caught my eyes. "Well I'll be damned, I did not expect to see them together!" He exclaimed, shaking his head in wonder, a look of apprehension on his face.

Everyone in the booth spun around to see what he was talking about and all reacted with varying degrees of shock and amazement as Spencer and her mother walked into the café, hand in hand, and made their way over to our table.

I jumped from my seat and stood by the edge of the booth waiting for my girl and subtly reading her eyes to make sure she was alright. Despite the fact I could tell she had been crying, Spencer looked actually happy, cautiously happy, but happy none the less.

I stepped over as they reached our table and smiled lovingly at my girl as she stepped forward to drop a chaste kiss on my lips. I saw her glance sideways at her mother to gauge her reaction to the kiss at the same time I did, both of us pleasantly surprised to find Paula actually smiling at us. I was more expecting disgust covered with polite indifference.

Spencer stepped back a little so that she was standing between her mother and I facing the booth of surprised people. Arthur stood up and moved to stand beside the booth, not saying a word, but his body language making it clear he was ready to step in to protect Spencer if the situation called for it.

Spencer sent a reassuring smile around to everyone, a smile that became tender when it turned my way. She took a deep breath and reached over to retake Paula's hand in hers, earning a grateful look from the apprehensive looking older blonde woman.

"I guess this is a surprise to you all, or maybe it isn't, I uh, well we talked about everything. I believe Mom when she says she's sorry. No one is perfect and yes she messed up and hurt me in ways I don't know if will ever full recover from, but I am willing to try," Spencer paused and gave Paula's hand a squeeze.

Spencer then turned to me and her face softened into a smile that no one but me ever got bestowed on them, "Mom wanted to officially meet you Ash," Spencer said softly.

I felt my eyes bug out of my head and heard Kate giggle behind me, she had avoided being introduced to Paula Carlin as her daughter's girlfriend, but she had a fairly good insight to the terror I was feeling. I was waiting for the holy water and scripture to start flowing. Paula may be ok with Spencer, but I had my doubts that she was ok with the girl corrupting her daughter.

I gulped and then noticed Spencer gazing at me with amusement. I smiled questioningly and she leaned in so that only I could hear her husky voice, "Do you seriously think I would subject you to her if I thought she would attack you?"

I looked into her brilliant blue eyes and grinned sheepishly, "I suppose not."

Spencer chuckled and turned back to her mother who was looking pretty damn nervous as Arthur, Glen and Clay all eyed her wearily. Kate was looking curious, Kyla and Aiden just looked confused and Chelsea was keeping her face neutral, waiting to see how things were going to go down I suppose.

"Mom I want you to meet my _girl_friend, Ashley Davies. Ash this is my Mom, Paula Carlin," Spencer said with a smile for both of us. I was anxious about the way she emphasized the girl part of girlfriend.

Paula Carlin took a step forward and held out her hand with a smile gracing her lips, "It's a pleasure to meet you Ashley, I have heard a lot about you."

I looked at her hand for a second before tentatively reaching out to take it in mine, "Uh it's nice to meet you too Mrs. Carlin."

There was an awkward silence as we dropped each other's hands and flashed nervous half smiles in each other's direction. After a moment Paula cleared her throat and said softly, "I heard the single, it's really very good. Oh and I bought the single and must say that I think Come Down To Me is my new favourite song." She smiled shyly and I felt my eyes bug out of my head again.

I felt a gentle elbow nudge me in the side and stammered, "Um, wow that's…wow. I'm glad you liked the song, I uh…I actually wrote it about Spencer."

Paula smiled kindly and nodded, "yes I read that in a magazine, it's a beautiful song Ashley."

I smiled my thanks and felt the tension in the room jump up by about 100 per cent as Arthur took a step closer to his wife and said softly, "Hello Paula."

She turned to him with a sad little smile, "Hello Arthur. How are you?"

"As well as can be expected, you?" He asked with tension coming off him in waves. I felt Spencer slip her hand into mine and gave it a gentle squeeze for comfort. She turned to flash me a brief smile before looking back to her parents apprehensively.

Paula nervously ran her hand through her hair and nodded towards Spencer, "I am better now," she smiled hesitantly at him, a smile he barely returned, and then turned to face the other occupants of the booth.

She smiled nervously and said, "Hello Glen, Clay, Chelsea." Each of them said soft hellos back as Paula turned her attention to the other occupants of the booth, "Hello Kate, wow I haven't seen you in a long time! I was so sad when you and Spencer stopped being friends."

I heard Spencer let out a little chuckle beside me and Paula turned around to look at her daughter questioningly. Spencer grinned and said, "Well Mom, Kate was kind of my…uh my girlfriend so when we stopped 'being friends' it was actually us breaking up."

Paula looked back and forth between Spencer and Kate while everyone else held their breath waiting for her to respond. Finally Paula shook her head and started to laugh. Once the shock wore off we all joined in and chuckled right along with the older Carlin woman.

After a while Paula wiped the tears of laughter from her cheeks and took a deep breath, "Oh my God how did I never see that you two were together? Looking back it was so obvious! I mean you two were always together, you touched each other all the time, had these lingering glances and private jokes. I was so blind, or in denial, to have not seen it!"

I will admit hearing about Spencer and Kate together was not my favourite thing in the world, but what I did love was the happiness on my girl's face at the fact her mother was not freaking out. I mean not too long ago hearing that Kate and Spencer had been engaging in lesbian activities right under her nose would have caused Paula Carlin to go postal.

Spencer patted her mother on the shoulder gently, "In your defense Mom, we did hide it really well, especially from you."

Paula looked down, ashamed, at her daughter's words. It was pretty clear to see that she was full of remorse for all the pain, shame and fear she had caused. It would be years before Spencer fully forgave her mother, but at least they were taking very definite steps forward.

"Yeah Mrs. Carlin, we were very good at sneaking around," Kate added with a smile for the older woman, which was returned.

"Well I guess it all worked out then, you two seem to be friends and Spencer has Ashley," Paula sent me a warm grin before continuing, "I really have to say I am so grateful to you Ashley for making my daughter so happy."

I blushed hotly and smiled bashfully, "It's my pleasure Mrs. Carlin, she does the same for me." Spencer squeezed my hand and leaned over to drop a sweet kiss on my cheek. Paula smiled fondly at us before turning to face Kyla and Aiden.

"I'm sorry I don't think we've met before," She said with a polite smile.

I stepped forward to introduce them, "Mrs. Carlin, this is my sister Kyla and her boyfriend Aiden. Ky, Aid this is Mrs. Carlin, Spencer's Mom."

Aiden rose to his feet and took Paula's offered hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Carlin." Kyla echoed his words and shook Paula's hand once Aiden had released it.

"It's nice to meet you both, I hope I get to see more of you all." Paula paused and looked over to her husband, "Arthur, do you think we could talk for a moment?"

He nodded and smiled reassuringly at his kids who were all looking a bit apprehensive. They said their goodbyes and walked together out of the café, after Paula received a hug from each of her kids that made her beam like it was Christmas.

Once the older Carlins were gone Glen announced he had to get home to Kate and Jamie. He gave Spencer an extra big hug and whispered something in her ear that made her smile adoringly at him and peck him on the check.

Once Glen had left Clay and Chelsea and Aiden and Kyla soon follow suit leaving Spencer and I with Kate who was giggling softly to herself.

Spencer settled into the booth next to me, across from her ex-girlfriend and said with a questioning head tilt, "What the hell are you laughing at Kate?"

Kate shook her head and grinned goofily at us, "Well Blondie I was just thinking how fucking relieved I am that your mother didn't try and crucify either Ashley or myself…can you imagine if we'd told her about us back in high school? She would have gone all flaming torch and pitch fork on our asses."

Spencer shook her head and laughed, "Yeah, hence why I didn't want to tell her."

Kate nodded and a serious moment fell over them, I think in that moment they forgot I was there as each of them remembered that Spencer's refusal to tell _anyone_ about their relationship was what ultimately ended it. I mean it all worked out for the best, besides the whole Carmen and Tom thing, because now I got to be with the woman I love and I got to call Kate my friend.

Spencer reached over and gave Kate's hand quick squeeze which earned her a small smile from the other blonde. Their past would always be between them, but that was ok. Our pasts were what made us ready to face our present and future. I owe a lot to Kate, she helped get Spencer ready for us.

Kate shot both of us a grin and scrambled to her feet, "Ok you two I'm gonna head off and leave you guys to it. I'll see you tomorrow at the court house."

Spencer frowned a little and said in a serious tone, "You know you don't have to come to the trial Kate, you've already gone above and beyond."

"Well you know how stubborn I am Blondie so don't even try to tell me not to come," Kate said with a determined expression and a beaming grin.

I laughed and smiled at Kate, "Wow Spence, someone just as stubborn at you!"

Kate and I both giggled at the pout forming on Spencer's full lips as she crossed her arms over her chest in indignation, "I am not stubborn!"

Kate and I shared an incredulous look before I smirked and quipped, "Sure you're not Spence, sure you're not."

Kate chuckled, shook her head and waved, "Well on that note I'm off. Adios amigos!"

Kate smiled at each of us before turning on her heel and striding out of the café. I smiled tenderly at Spencer and leaned into her side as I wrapped my arm around her slender shoulders.

I laughed softly and said with a smile, "You know, I really wanted to not like Kate…I mean she is someone who used to see you naked on a regular basis, someone you loved so it is not totally strange that I would dislike her. Thing is I can't, she is pretty amazing."

Spencer chuckled huskily and said, "Yeah she's pretty special, but you my love are more than special." She moved closer until no space existed between us and reached up to cup my face in her palm. I smiled bashfully at her from beneath lowered eye lashes as she traced my lips with her thumb and whispered, "You are everything to me Ash, I love you with an intensity that I have never experienced before. I love you with all that I am and I know that you are the reason I am breathing…loving you is why I am alive."

Spencer blushed hotly as I just stared at her in wonder…I had no words that could even begin to express how much her words meant to me. I felt tears rise in my eyes as I looked at my beautiful one. She stared down at her hands, which were clenched in her lap and waited for me to say something.

I tenderly took hold of her chin and tilted her face to mine. I locked my chocolate brown eyes on her soulful ocean blue ones and slowly brought her lips to mine in the sweetest, most loving kiss we had shared to date.

I pulled back slowly and held her gaze as a single tear trickled down my cheek. I reached up and tucked some lose blonde hair behind her ear and whispered, "I exist to love you Spencer Carlin, you give my life meaning and each and everyday I am thankful that you are mine."

I leaned in and kissed her again. The moment had taken a heavy turn, but I did not mind at all. How could I when she was saying such beautiful things to me and making me feel safe enough to say all that I felt for her?

Before Spencer I was a closed book. I never let anyone close enough to really see me, never allowed myself to be truly vulnerable. Spencer so effortlessly tore down all my walls it was like I never had any to start with.

We pulled back from our kiss and looked around the café to find we had gathered a small amount of attention. Spencer giggled and beamed around at the various people staring who all hastily turned back to their food and/or dining partners, some after sending her a warm smile in return.

Turning her face to mine Spencer grinned and said, "Well now that we've given everyone a free show how about we get out of here?"

I laughed and pecked her lips again before getting to my feet and offering my hand to help her up. Spencer clasped my hand and rose gracefully to her feet. I threw some money on the table and led my girl by the hand out onto the street and back towards the court where my car was parked.

As we crossed the road Spencer looked over to our left and smiled contentedly. I followed her gaze and saw Paula and Arthur sitting on a bench just inside the park across from the court. They were talking quietly, sitting quite close and sending little looks at each other.

Maybe Spencer and Paula wouldn't be the only two members of the Carlin family reconciling today?

Spencer rested her head on my shoulder and tucked her arm around my waist. I slung my arm around her shoulders and started walking again towards my car. As we neared the little sports car Spencer stopped and looked at me biting her lip.

"What's up buttercup?" I asked with a grin.

Spencer giggle and grinned back, "Well I was wondering if I could take you somewhere before we go home."

"Of course, you want to drive?" I asked, holding out the keys to the Porsche.

"You'll let me drive the Porsche?" She asked incredulously.

I chuckled and dropped the keys into her hand, "well duh!"

Spencer looked back and forth between the keys in her hand and my face, probably trying to see if I was kidding or not. Usually nobody drove the Porsche but me…of course Spencer wasn't just anybody.

"Come on Spence, you wanted to take me somewhere so let's get going," I said with a smirk as I reached over to hit the remote to unlock the car. I strode around to the driver's side and held open the door for her.

Spencer stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my neck as she hungrily captured my lips in a searing kiss. I eagerly kissed her back, wrapping my hands around her waist and holding her body flush against mine. We kissed roughly for a moment and then she pulled back to grin excitedly at me before she slid into the car.

I gently closed the door behind her and jogged around to the passenger side to climb in myself. Spencer grinned adorably over at me as she started the car. She flicked on the radio and reversed carefully out of the car space. Soon we were coasting along the freeway, heading towards wherever Spencer was taking me.

I reached over and rested my hand on her thigh, earning me a warm grin and a swift wink. Spencer kept her eyes on the road and eventually pulled over on a bluff overlooking the crashing waves of the beach.

She parked the car and climbed out, wrapping her arms around herself and walking over to the edge and sitting down on the soft grass. I jumped out of the car and followed along behind her, taking a seat next to my girl as she stared out over the angry waves with a thoughtful look on her face.

I sat in silence, waiting until she was ready to tell me why we were sitting on this bluff getting beaten by the wind.

Spencer sighed softly and closed her eyes for a moment. I kept my eyes on her, drinking in her flawless face and the way her hair whipped around her, catching the beams of sunlight.

She opened her eyes and turned to smile at me tenderly, "So I guess you want to know why I brought you here?" I nodded and waited for her to continue. Spencer reached over and tangled our fingers together before she continued, "Well this spot right here is where I come when I need to think, to breathe. I come here because no one knows about it. Here I can be alone without anyone being able to find me."

She turned back to stare out over the ocean. I watched her profile, noting the relaxed grace she so effortlessly expressed. I squeezed her hand gently and asked, "So why bring me here then Spence?"

She let a warm smile take over her lips and murmured softly, so softly the wind almost stole the words before they reached my ears, "I brought you here so that you can always find me."

Spencer kept her eyes on the horizon as she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder. I let go of her hand and draped my arm around her shoulders as I laid a tender kiss on her forehead. Spencer sighed in contentment and relaxed completely into me.

"Thank you Spencer," I whispered with my lips resting on top of her silky, fruit smelling hair.

She grinned shyly and said, "Well who else would I want to find me?"

I let out a little chuckle and held her closer as we watched the waves violently crash onto the shore. As we watched the sun lowered into the water, turning the sky into this breath taking mess of pinks, purples, golds and blues. I moved so that I was sitting behind Spencer with my arms firmly around her waist and her head resting back against my shoulder as we watch the sunset in all its glory.

Spencer rested her arms over mine, tangling our fingers once again. I could feel the steady rise and fall of her stomach as she breathed in and out. I felt contentment settle over me like a warm, comfortable blanket and held onto her as we watched the sky change colour and gradually become a navy blue.

She snuggled back into me, making my breath hitch as her body moved sensually against mine. I heard her chuckle at my reaction before she tilted her head back and moved her hand to the back of my neck in order to pull my lips down to hers.

I tangled my fingers in her lustrous blonde hair and moaned softly as her tongue darted out to trace my lips. Parting my lips, I gave her entrance to my mouth, something she took instant advantage of.

Spencer turned slowly in my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist so that she could press her body against mine while I supported her on my lap. I splayed my fingers out across her back and crushed her too me as our mouths dances and tongues battled.

Her hands moved up to tangle themselves in my curls, gently stroking my scalp as she continued to devour my mouth. Kissing Spencer Carlin is intoxicating. I felt drunk on her.

We broke apart to suck in some much needed oxygen only to reattach our lips in a much slower and more sensual kiss. This one was less hungry and desperate, it was tender and loving, slow and languid.

We stayed on that bluff until the chill in the air sent us hurrying for the car and the promise of a hot meal and warm bed. Once we were settled in the car I leaned over and kissed her lips softly, "Thank you for sharing this place with me Spence."

She smiled sweetly and pecked the end of my nose cutely, "My pleasure, thank you for being with me."

I mimicked her tone with a loving smile, "My pleasure."

I started the car and drove us back to Spencer's, the whole time holding her hand tenderly in mine.


	54. True Colours

**Ok so I know it has been a disgracefully long time since my last post…life and what not has gotten in the way along with a lack of motivation. **

**Thank you to all who reviewed and sent me messages checking to see if I was ok, it was truly much appreciated.**

**This story will be wrapping up very soon.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-Four ****– True Colours**

Spencer's POV

Well this was it, this was the day that I had been dreading the most of the entire trial ordeal. Today Tom Brooks would take the stand. I was trembling so much this morning while I was getting ready that I had to get Ashley to button up my shirt and do up my pants…she is much more used to taking my clothes off then putting them on.

I hadn't been able to eat a damn thing, Ash had made me toast and as soon as I put it near my mouth my stomach told me very firmly that putting food in my mouth was a very bad idea. All I was able to get down was a cup of very strong coffee with more sugar in it than I was proud of.

Ashley held my hand firmly in hers as we walked to what had become our seats in the court room. We sat down and were soon joined by my parents, who came in together much to my surprise. They were obviously cautious with each other, a little tense and unsure, but at least they were talking.

I had spoken to Dad late last night and he told me that Mom had apologised to him and promised to keep getting counseling from her priest and to do whatever it takes to make things right. Dad admitted that he wasn't sure he could ever forgive her enough to actually get back together, but he was willing to try to sort things out so that they could at least be civil and spend time together with the family.

I had always known that Mom had hurt Dad, but until I heard the pain in his voice the night before I hadn't fully realised the depth of the pain she had caused him. She had done a number on me and Dad that was for sure.

Dad said he told Mom that he was willing to work on things, but that he couldn't promise her that they would be getting back together. I get where he is coming from, I mean she hurt all of us so much. It would take a lot of strength for us to ever fully forgive her.

Dad took his seat beside me and Mom sat beside him after greeting Ashley and I warmly with a kiss on the cheek. Soon Glen and Katie walked in with Clay and Chelsea, Jamie was with Kate's mother, who took him off her hands so that she could come to the trial today. Next my band mates shuffled in and took up the majority of the row of seats behind us. The remaining spots behind us were soon filled by Kate (my ex) Kyla and Aiden. The whole support posse was there.

I was pretty stoic that morning, not saying a hell of a lot to anyone as I waited for the trial to get underway again. I wasn't a basket case or anything, I think it was more that I needed to take the time to centre myself for what was coming.

I sat rod straight between my father and my girl, focusing on taking deep, calming breaths. Ashley had her hand on my knee, gently stroking circles over the fabric of my black pants. Her actions were both soothing and also making me a little hot. Hell just her looking at me made me hot. Had I not been distracted by the pending day in court I may have had to take her somewhere to relieve some…tension.

I was as tense as a guitar string tightened too much, I was waiting for the tension to get bad enough that I snapped. I think Ashley sensed I was nearing my breaking point because she kept shooting me little glances out of the corner of her eye and rubbing my leg soothingly.

I kept my eyes locked on the front of the room as the doors opened and the prison guards brought Tom in. I could see him in my peripheral vision and he looked like shit, truth be told. He still had the smug arrogance about him, but he looked sickly and thin. I found it hard to feel sorry for him though.

Once Tom was seated and the court room had filled up we were all asked to stand up while the judge came in. I got shakily to my feet, still holding tight to Ashley. Judge Kramer took her seat, adjusted her glasses and glanced out over her very full court room with an unreadable expression.

She called the court to order and began the proceedings. Today was the defense's turn to present their case. I was praying that it wouldn't take long so that this trial would be over soon. God just let it be over soon!

Mr. Farmer got to his feet and shuffled slowly forward a few steps before facing the court and saying softly, "The defense calls Tom Brooks to the stand."

I closed my eyes briefly and then opened them to fix them on the monster that was my ex. The guards walked Tom to the witness stand and took their place near by, which made me feel much safer I have to say.

Tom's eyes locked on mine, the hate and self-righteous look in them making me want to run screaming from the room. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction though. I held his stare with an emotionless expression, barely feeling the presence of my loved ones around me.

All I was aware of was Tom Brooks and the stare we were locked in.

He dragged his eyes over me, slowly, deliberately. His gaze burning me and making me feel dirty and violated. I struggled but kept my expression blank. That man had taken so much from me and he was not getting the satisfaction of seeing me break again. Never again.

The bailiff stepped up and swore Tom in, as he agreed to tell the truth I had to fight the urge to scoff loudly. The day that man actually told the truth the temperature was going to drop in hell.

Once Tom was sworn in Mr. Farmer stepped closer to the witness stand and cleared his throat, "Mr. Brooks, you are in this court accused of a very serious crime. We have heard testimony from a number of people declaring your guilt, while you maintain that you are innocent. Could you please tell us in your own words about your relationship with Spencer Carlin?"

Tom smirked and flicked his eyes to the defense lawyer before looking back at me, "Certainly. Spencer Carlin was my girlfriend, officially, for four months. Then she broke up with me in order to further her music career by getting close to her current 'girlfriend' Ashley Davies," Tom actually had the audacity to use sarcastic finger quotes around the word girlfriend. I had to grip tight to Ashley as she growled low in her throat and moved to jump up and kick his fucking ass.

Tom's smirk widened as he took in Ashley's reaction. He sent me a hard look before he continued, "I was angry at first, but then Spencer made it very clear that even though our relationship was officially over she was not opposed to us continuing something in secret. It was not ideal, but I was happy just to have a part of her you know."

I felt my eyes narrow into a hate filled glare, a glare that I'm sure was mirrored in the eyes of all my loved ones and by the look of it quite a few jury members and our lovely prosecutor Felicity.

Mr. Farmer nodded, almost reluctantly, and asked, "So the allegation that you released a video recording of Miss Carlin being raped by her ex-girlfriend Carmen Mendez is completely false then?"

Tom faltered for a moment, I wonder if he knew that question was coming? By the expression on his face I am guessing that he didn't. "Um yeah…I mean yes it's false. Entirely false. I have never even seen the video in question. I didn't know it existed. Mrs. Carlin hid what happened to Spencer very well. She was so ashamed of the fact that her daughter had experimented with other girls and lived a deviant lifestyle that went against everything she had ever been taught. Paula told me early in my relationship with Spencer that she had a past indiscretion with a woman, but that I shouldn't worry about it because it was just a phase which Spencer had more than grown out of. I accepted that and just concentrated on living my life with my girlfriend who meant the world to me."

I had to swallow down the bile rising in the back at my throat at his words. The lying sack of shit!

"Can you explain to the court why then we have a police officer on record saying that he stole the tape of the rape from the police evidence achieves and gave it to you?" Mr. Farmer asked. I looked at the little, disheveled lawyer, a bit bewildered. His questioning was not what I would expect from a defense attorney…the look on Tom's face said he was thinking the same thing.

Tom opened and closed his mouth a few times before stammering, "Well, I uh…I don't know why he would say that. It is false…I have never met the police officer in question before in my life."

The jury members were looking at Tom skeptically and I kind of wanted to do a little happy dance. He was digging himself a hole all right, and the best part was it seemed like his attorney was wielding the shovel.

"Ok then Tom, can you now tell us in your own words what happened the morning of the alleged attempted rape?" Mr. Farmer asked as he leaned up against the barrier around the jury members.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, preparing myself for his pack of lies. I felt Ashley lean into me further, giving me comfort and support for what was to come.

Tom cleared his throat and forced a fake look of sadness on his face, "well I was in love with Spencer and really cut up that she ended it. After my Dad came by and told me he had seen her out to dinner with Ashley I figured I'd lost her. I was going to Spencer's apartment to get the rest of my things so that she could move on, even though the thought of losing her was killing me."

I was clenching my hands into fists so tight I was scared my knuckles were going to burst out of my skin. I had never felt rage quite like what I was feeling sitting in that court room listening to his bullshit. I saw Ashley turning fire engine red as her own rage coursed through her. I unclenched one of my fists and rested my hand on her knee, earning me an appreciative smile before she turned to glare back up at Tom.

Tom glanced over at me with a sneer that I think was meant to convey his false sadness but failed miserably. He shuffled in his seat and continued, "I called Spencer and told her I was coming to clean out my stuff and that if what she really wanted was to be with Ashley then I would respect her decision. Once I'd said that Spencer laughed and told me I was dumb if I believed that she was actually leaving me for a woman. She then said that Ashley could help her music career and that was what mattered."

I swallowed hard against the bile still rising in my throat. I was literally seeing red as my rage at his disgusting and clearly false statements grew to alarming levels. I have hated people before, well really only Carmen, but I had never felt loathing like I felt that morning in the court room. I wanted him dead.

Tom smirked over at me with a smug glint in his eyes before continuing, "I knew music was what mattered to Spencer and as hurt as I was I still loved her so when she said that we could keep seeing each other but only in secret I agreed. She told me to come over and then she suggested we do a little role playing, sexually speaking I mean. Spencer was always pretty kinky."

"Mr. Brooks! Comments like that will not be tolerated, please just stick to the facts!" Judge Kramer bellowed from her seat, sending a cold glare Tom's way.

Tom smiled what I'm sure he thought was a charming smile up at the Judge as he said, "Sorry your honour. So um after I spoke to Spencer I went around to her place. What you saw and heard on the tapes the prosecution presented were simply Spencer and I engaged in sexual role playing, something we had done many times during our relationship. Things were fine until Ashley showed up and then Spencer started freaking out and making out that I was trying to rape her. I would never have hurt her, I loved her."

The insincerity in his voice made my blood boil. I clutched Ashley's hand tight enough that I was surprised she wasn't writhing on the floor in pain. I was so fucking angry! I felt Ashley lean into me as she whispered, "It's going to be ok Baby, no one is buying the shit he is spinning. The jury look like they want to lynch him…they're going to have to take a number and get in line."

I let out a slow breath and loosened my death grip on her hand as I shot her a brief smile of thanks.

I could feel the eyes for the entire court room flicking back and forth between Tom and I. I was feeling such a mixed jumble of emotions I hardly knew what it was I was actually feeling. I looked at Tom who sat staring smugly around the room. It was like he didn't have a care in the world, like he had no reason to feel remorse or guilt.

"So for the record Mr. Brooks, you are denying that you attempted to force intercourse on Miss Carlin?" Mr. Farmer said softly.

Tom smirked and nodded his head, "Yes, for the record and where ever else you want to put it, I am stating that I have never tried to force myself on Spencer Carlin."

I swallowed hard and stared at him as anger and hate swam around my insides. I felt like I was going to throw up.

Mr. Farmer nodded and stepped back to his seat, "Nothing further your Honour."

Judge Kramer nodded and turned to Felicity, "Ms. Crompton, your witness."

Felicity got to her feet and stomped forward, she was doing a good job of hiding it but you could tell she was almost as livid as I was. She strode right up to the witness stand and stared Tom down enough that the smug smirk on his face started to waiver a bit.

"Mr. Brooks, you claim that the alleged attempted rape inflicted on Miss Carlin was simply a game of sexual role play, is that correct?" Felicity said in a voice that gave nothing away.

"Yes, that's correct." Tom said in a voice tinged with boredom as he sighed dramatically.

"And you claim that this 'role play' was organised over the phone that morning?" Felicity said as she leaned against the wood of the stand.

Tom looked a little uncertain for a moment before he continued, "Yes that's correct as well."

Felicity flashed him a condescending smile and said, "That's funny because when we checked the home and cell phone records for both you and Spencer, yours showed no outgoing calls to Spencer and Spencer's showed no incoming calls at all that morning from you or anyone else. Can you explain that Mr. Brooks?"

Tom's mouth fell open as he struggled to come up with his next move. I leaned forward in my seat, my body torn between elation and anxiety as I waited to see how he was going to try and talk his way out of this one. All his lies could be about to come crashing down over one little detail like phone records.

Tom's gaze hardened as he glared hatefully at the prosecutor. He flicked his steely gaze my way, his face twisting into an ugly sneer for a moment before he looked to his public defender for assistance. Mr. Farmer resolutely avoided eye contact and stared down at his notes.

Felicity leaned closer to Tom and said in a voice, tinged with subtle triumph, "Would you like me to repeat the question Mr. Brooks? Or maybe shall I show you the phone records in question so you can see for yourself that this phone call you are claiming took place, never actually happened?"

Tom snarled low in his throat, his control finally snapping. He lunged forward, his fingers curled into talons, as he reached for the prosecutor. The jury and audience gasped as Felicity stepped back quickly and the prison guards rushed forward to restrain the enraged and desperate man.

Judge Kramer slammed her gavel down repeatedly, calling for order in a room of chaos. Tom was practically foaming at the mouth as the prison guards wrangled him out of the room. All the while he was screaming obscenities and insults at everyone who crossed his line of sight, most of them directed at Felicity and me though.

Felicity was standing calmly, surveying the effect her question had caused. If I'm not mistake I think she was quietly proud of herself.

Me, well I felt vindicated.

Tom had just shown his true colours. He had let his mask fall off and shown the entire courtroom the monster that lurked inside him. He had wielded the hammer that struck the final nails into his coffin. He had to be hoping for a miracle, because nothing short of that was going to get him out of the fucked up mess he had created.

After the drama, Judge Kramer called a halt to the proceedings for the day, issuing a firm warning to Mr. Farmer that he was to keep control of his client for the rest of the trial. He assured her he would, in a voice that was not all that convincing and then the Judge left the shambles that had become of the court room for her chambers.

I turned to find Ashley with a funny little smile on her face. "Well I did not predict that we would Tom fucking up so badly," She murmured.

I shrugged with a little grin on my lips, "I think it's that Felicity is just that good! She knew how to rattle him and shine a light through his bullshit. I am just glad that everyone got to see him for what he truly is, a monster."

Dad reached over and patted my knee, "I'd say Tom has well and truly cemented his fate today." Dad paused and glanced around at the tired faces of my support group, this had been a trying experience for all of us, "How about we all get out of here and head back to Casa de Carlin and I'll make us some dinner?"

There were mumbles of tired agreement and we all staggered to our feet. I linked arms with Ashley and began walking out. As we walked across the lobby of the courthouse Mom dropped off from the group and smiled unsurely at us all, "Well I'd better go, I'll see you all tomorrow back here."

I looked over at Dad as he met my eyes and flashed me a tiny smile and nod, "Wait Paula, that invitation includes you. We aren't taking no for an answer, you will be coming back to the house with us and joining your family and…well our _extended_ family for dinner."

Mom looked around at all of us, checking each face for a sign that she was not welcome. She didn't find it.

I held out my hand to her, which she quickly took, and pulled her along with Ashley and I as we headed out into the waning sun light. "No getting out of this one Mom, you are required to join us for dinner. Like Dad said, we are not taking no for an answer!" I said with a warm grin as I towed her along.

Mom giggled and beamed, "Well who could refuse an offer like that! Lead the way Sweetie!"

As we headed to the cars I felt hope bubbling up inside me. Things were looking up. Tom had all but sealed his own fate today in the courtroom, I had the love of my life by my side, a loving and supportive family and group of friends and the relationship between my mother and the rest of us was on the mend. All in all, I had a lot to be thankful for.


	55. Brand New Day

**So I am back yet again. **

**Thank you all for your kind reviews and messages, I promise that despite my long delays I am well and happy. **

**I hope you like this instalment and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me. Much love!**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-Five ****– Brand New Day**

Spencer's POV

Ok so now I'm jumping ahead in the story a little bit, the two days following Tom's fit of rage in the courtroom were filled with mediocre and unconvincing defense witnesses that could not find arguments or evidence to back up Tom's version of events. I spent those two days staring in disbelief at the drivel they were coming up with and noting (with pleasure mind you) that the jury looked more and more skeptical and down right offended at the bullshit the defense was trying to feed them.

Today, after a long and exhausting trial the lawyers would be presenting their closing remarks before the jury went into deliberations. While I was nervous about the outcome, I was more eager to just get the whole thing over with. It had certainly been a trying ordeal and I was looking forward to putting it all behind me.

I walked into the court room with my head held high and my girl's hand clutched in mine. My family and friends followed along behind us as we took our usual seats. God once this case was done I never wanted to see the inside of a court room again in my life, not ever!

I sat ridged in my seat and watched as Felicity shuffled her notes and prepared herself to speak to the court room. She looked calm and collected which gave me some comfort. I figured if Felicity the unflappable got freaked out then it was time for me to really fucking panic!

I watched as Mr. Farmer shuffled in, his suit even shabbier that the ones he had been wearing on the previous trial days. He looked tired and almost as eager to see the end of this trial as I was. He took his seat and pulled out his notes and files, only to sit there staring absently at the front of the court room.

The room filled up fairly steadily behind us. I caught sight of Mr. and Mrs. Brooks taking a seat behind the defense table, Mr. Brooks looking as grim and stern as ever and Mrs. Brooks looking inches away from a total melt down.

As much as I loathed their son and the part they played in making him the man he had become, I couldn't help but feel for them. They were living through every parent's nightmare. I glanced down the row of seats and caught my own mother's eyes. She sent me a warm, comforting smile and I couldn't help but compare her to Mr. and Mrs. Brooks.

I mean think about it, my mother had done some truly deplorable things and yet she was full of remorse for her actions. She was making amends. Mr. and Mrs. Brooks had done some dreadful things to Tom, things that helped to turn him into the monster that he became. They showed no remorse for what they had done to their son, they only demonstrated remorse for _his_ actions to others and the way it reflected on them.

My mother was the product of her upbringing, as much as Tom was the product of his, but she was rising above it. Mr. and Mrs. Brooks had helped create a monster and now had to deal with the fallout of that. I don't know how I would react in their situation, I mean despite everything he has done Tom was still their son. It was a messy, complicated situation.

I was torn from my rather exhausting thoughts as the guards brought a somber looking Tom in and led him to his seat at the front of the room. For the first time since this whole trial had begun he did not try and unnerve me with a hateful stare. He kept his eyes locked on the floor at his feet determinedly, his usual cocky arrogance not on display for the world to see.

I will admit I was a bit thrown by this version of him. I was prepared to have to deal with him being arrogant and self-assured, but I was not prepared for him to look so defeated. I had never seen him like this, not ever. It really rattled me. Maybe that's what he wanted, or maybe he was trying to get jury sympathy or maybe, just maybe he was genuinely feeling remorse. Yeah I know, that last one is very unlikely.

Once Tom was in his seat the court room became eerily quiet with all eyes flicking back and forth between him and I. All people in the room knew today was the last day of the trial, after today the jury would go into deliberations and then this ordeal would be over. I glanced over my shoulder and caught sight of Derek, our manager and Colin the PR guy from our record label. They both had their careful gazes monitoring the assembled media.

It was comforting to know that they had my back, they had negotiated to have a closed court, allowing only media _they_ selected to be there. It meant that they had full control on the information that was going out to the public. They were doing an excellent job of protecting me and making sure the right story was getting out to the public.

I sent a small smile towards Derek as he caught my eye and then turned back to face the front of the court room. I spent a lot of time looking around at this court room of late, it was actually a really pretty room. It had a lot of dark wood very elegantly carved and well polished. It was open and airy with high ceilings and polished wood floors. If this room wasn't the scene of massive trauma and heart ache for me I might even like the place. As it stood, this room would always be remembered in a not so fond way.

After a few more minutes of contemplative thoughts the Judge came in and the last day began. First Mr. Farmer was called forward to present his closing arguments. He sighed wearily and used his hands to brace against the desk and push himself upright. He shuffled over to the jury, not once looking at his client, and began his spiel.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a complex and serious case in which my client has been accused of a terrible crime. We have presented arguments to you stating that Mr. Tom Brooks is not guilty of these charges, that rather this is a case of misrepresentation of the facts," Mr. Farmer paused, looking almost sick at the words he was having to say.

He sent a very quick glance my way and in his sad eyes I saw remorse. He moved his eyes from mine, breaking our gaze and focused back on the jury, "Mr. Brooks admits that he went to Miss Carlin's home on the morning in question, he admits that he engaged in sexual activities with her, what he did not do was sexually assault her."

Mr. Farmer paused a moment before continuing, "Mr. Brooks was a well respected lawyer with a bright future in front of him. These allegations have ruined him both professionally and personally. He is deeply saddened by the accusations thrown at him by the woman he loves." Mr. Farmer shook his head slightly and pursed his lips almost unconsciously before taking a few steps back from the jury to look out over the court room.

"We have shown you the other side of this story, the side that shows a man betrayed by the woman he was planning to spend his life with. Tom Brooks has been falsely accused and is not guilty of the charges against him," Mr. Farmer finished somewhat weakly. His closing remark was about as unconvincing as their entire case. You could tell that his heart had never been in this case. I had to wonder how Mr. Farmer was a public defender at all.

Judge Kramer waited until Mr. Farmer had returned to his seat beside Tom before she turned to Felicity, "Ms. Crompton would you please give your closing remarks?"

Felicity rose to her feet and strode forward to address the court, "Your Honour, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury what we have here is a serious crime perpetrated by a man to avenge a bruised ego. Tom Brooks couldn't handle the fact that his girlfriend had left him because she was gay and he set out to make her pay for what he saw as damage to his reputation."

Felicity spoke passionately and with conviction as she continued, "You have heard evidence from both sides and now it is up to you to decide beyond a reasonable doubt what occurred on the morning in question. You have heard eye witness testimony, audio recordings from the scene at the time of the crime and seen video footage of the moment leading up to the attack. You have heard the defendant's own father testify against him. The evidence speaks for itself, there is nothing more I can add. The truth of what happened, the truth of what Tom Brooks did to Spencer Carlin has been laid out for you. It is time to think, think about what you have seen and heard. Think about the man sitting accused in this court room. Think about his actions and behaviour through out this trial and ask yourself if you believe he is guilty. Ask yourself if you now believe, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Mr. Tom Brooks tried to rape his ex-girlfriend Spencer Carlin. Thank you."

Felicity smiled soberly at the jury and returned to her seat. I let out a deep gust of breath and slumped into Ashley's side limply. This was all very intense and overwhelming, I was just grateful that I had a talented lawyer like Felicity Crompton prosecuting this case. I knew that this trial was in the most capable hands possible.

Judge Kramer turned to the jury and fixed them with a serious stare, much like my old forth grade teacher used to do when she was about to give us a stern talking to. I wondered how the jury members didn't shrink under that intense gaze. The little elderly Judge was one intimidating woman.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you are now tasked with a very serious task. You have heard statements from the defense and the prosecution, along with evidence and testimonies from relevant parties. It is now your time to carefully consider the facts of the case as they have been presented to you and come to a verdict. You will be asked to put aside your preconceptions, judgments and personal beliefs and focus only on the evidence of the case." Judge Kramer looked sternly at each member of the jury before she continued, "The bailiff will now take you to the jury room where you will be given time to deliberate and discuss the case to come to a verdict."

The last moments of this part of the trial passed very quickly from there. The Judge ended the days proceedings and the jury was led away to begin their deliberations. I noticed a few sending me little smiles or looks of compassion as they left the room, I hoped those could be taken as a good sign.

As the jury walked out people began to move from their seats and exit the court room. I sat stunned, staring in front of me. It was really almost over. Those twelve people who had just been led out of the court room would decide Tom's fate. I had done all I could and now the end result lay in the hands of those twelve people. My part was over.

Ashley gave my hand a gentle squeeze and turned my face so she could look lovingly into my eyes. "You ready to get out of here Blue?" She asked in a soft voice.

I sighed wearily and nodded. Ashley just sent me a warm smile and stood up to help me to my feet. I stood up slowly, never letting go of her soft hand in mine. I dropped a chaste kiss on her cheek and turned to smile tiredly at the rest of my support team. Everyone looked as worn out as I felt. This trial had taken a toll on all of us.

"Well there is nothing more we can do here so I say we all head home and I'll whip us up some dinner," Dad said with a comforting grin.

I smiled gratefully, but shook my head, "Actually Dad, I really don't feel up to it tonight. If it's ok with you guys I think I might just head home and have a quiet night. It has been a big day."

Dad reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Ok Sweetie, you go home and get some rest. Just make sure you eat something ok?"

I rolled my eyes good naturedly and nodded, "Sure I will Dad."

He pulled me into a fierce hug and then released me so we could all start making our way out of the court room. Once we were outside I said my goodbyes and thanks. I gave each of them a hug and promised them that I would call them the second we knew that the jury had reached their verdict.

Once that was done Ashley walked me out to her car and held open the passenger side door for me. Right before I climbed in she leaned over and kissed me sweetly on the lips. I leaned into her and sighed tiredly as she wrapped her arms around my body and held me tenderly to her. I snuggled my face into the crook of her neck and let my body sag limply against her.

She kissed my forehead and murmured, "Are you alright Blue?"

"I'm hanging in there, I just want this all to be over you know," I said tightening my grip on her.

"Yeah I know Baby, me too. How about I drive you home and then you can have a nice, quiet night to yourself?" Ashley said as she rubbed my back soothingly.

I raised my head off her shoulder and looked into her beautiful brown eyes, "Are you kidding me?" I asked incredulously.

"What do you mean?" Ashley asked with a confused frown.

"I mean, there is no way I am going to be alone tonight," I stated.

Ashley flashed me a puzzled smile and said, "But I thought you told everyone that you wanted a night alone?"

"Yeah I do, a night alone with you silly!" I said with a cheeky grin.

Ashley beamed and leaned in to kiss me again. I kissed her back before pulling away and climbing into her car. Ashley closed the door behind me and walked around the car to hop in the driver's side. She flashed me a nose-crinkling smile before starting the car and heading to my place. I leaned my head back against the soft leather of the seat and let my eyes fall closed.

I think I must have passed out because I was awoken by gentle fingers stroking my hair and a soothing voice coaxing me into consciousness. I smiled lazily up at Ashley as she leaned over and unbuckled my seat belt. She took my hand and helped me climb sleepily from the car. After grabbing my purse and her own she led me up the stairs to my apartment.

We wandered inside and I flung myself down on one of the plush leather sofas. I lay back and closed my eyes, smiling when I felt her snuggle up beside me. I wrapped my arms around her and let a comfortable silence settle over the both of us. Within minutes we were both asleep.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of something burning in my kitchen. I bolted off the sofa and over to the kitchen only to find a very frustrated Ashley throwing what I think was meant to be pancakes into my bin. Oh and when I say pancakes I mean charcoal Frisbees.

I stifled a chuckle, causing her to turn around and blush bright red when she saw me standing behind her. She pouted adorably and murmured, "I was trying to cook you breakfast, it uh, well it didn't quite work out the way I planned."

I stepped closer to her and pulled her into my arms. I kissed her forehead and said, "That's ok Brown, I appreciate the thought. You are far too good to me."

Ashley snuggled against me and planted a kiss on my cheek. "Nah, you deserve the best Blue and I want to give that to you," She murmured. I held her closer against me and sighed in contentment.

This place, right here in her arms was exactly where I wanted to be. This was my safe place, my happy place. Ashley was home for me.

I pulled back and gently tilted her face up to meet mine. I lowered my lips to hers and kissed her lovingly. I moved my head back and smiled down at her, "You do give me that, everyday you give me the best. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. I am so lucky to have you Ashley Davies. Now how about I make us some edible breakfast?"

Ashley pouted adorably at me as I chuckled and stepped out of her arms to the fridge to find some food to serve for breakfast. After a quick bit of scrounging I found enough ingredients to make something edible. I exiled Ashley from the kitchen to prevent any further mishaps and sent her off to set the table and take her burnt breakfast creation down to the dumpster.

Within minutes I had whipped up one of my favourite childhood breakfasts and set them on some plates. Ashley ambled over and looked suspiciously at the offering in front of her seat. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, "Give it a chance Brown, you'll love it I promise."

Ashley raised her eyebrow at me with a skeptical frown, but picked up her knife and fork anyway. "Um, what is it Spence?"

I grinned and cut a bite for myself, "It's called Toad in the Hole and it is awesome!"

Ashley's eye brows both shot up and she asked in a high pitched voice, "Toad?"

I threw back my head and laughed, "Baby it is just a piece of bread with a whole in it with an egg dropped in before you fry in up. I promise you there is nothing even remotely toad-like in your breakfast. Seriously just eat it."

Ashley sighed and cut off a piece of her Toad in the Hole. She raised it cautiously to her lips and took the food tentatively into her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully for a second and then her face broke out into a massive grin. "Damn, that is pretty great Blue!"

I laughed again and flashed her an 'I told you so' look before starting on my own breakfast. It was pretty good if I do say so myself. Toad in the Hole was the one breakfast my mother could make without almost poisoning us all so it became a favourite of mine.

After breakfast I went and sat on the couch, not entirely sure what to do with myself. The last few weeks had been a whirl wind and now that I didn't have to rush off to court or anything, all I had to do was wait, I didn't really know what to do.

Ashley strode over and took a seat beside me, taking my hand in hers gently. She lightly stroked my skin with her thumb and said softly, "Are you ok Blue?"

I nodded and forced a half-hearted smile onto my face, "Yeah, it's just strange not to have to run off to the court house. It's like being in limbo waiting on the jury to make a decision when all I want is for it all to be over and done with."

Ashley leaned over and kissed my cheek before pulling me to her so that my head was resting on her shoulder. I wrapped my arm around her waist and snuggled in as close as I could get. I sighed in contentment and let my eyes fall closed. Only Ashley could make me feel calm right now. No one else could settle the rage of emotions inside me as I waited to hear what the jury would decide.

We spent the day snuggled in each other's arms watching lame teen movie after lame teen movie, it was awesome! I needed the mindless entertainment to keep me from thinking too much about the pending verdict.

Ashley was amazing. She spent the day fielding phone calls from my support crew who, bless their cotton socks, wanted to check up on me. Ashley knew without me having to say that all I needed was her. If I had to speak to anyone about the trial I felt like I would fall apart and I didn't want to do that. I wanted a day where everything didn't centre around what Tom did to me.

We were just finishing dinner (Ashley ordered pizza from down stairs, Glen's chef is awesome at pizza making!) when the phone rang. Ashley still had a mouthful so I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I said as I tucked the phone between my chin and my shoulder.

"Hello, is this Miss Spencer Carlin?" A solemn sounding male voice asked.

"Yes this is Spencer, who is this?" I replied hesitantly.

"Miss Carlin, this is Don Bannister from Felicity Crompton's office, I just wanted to let you know that we heard that the jury have just reached a verdict. The judge wants everyone present in the court at 9am tomorrow morning to hear it. Is that ok Miss Carlin?" Don asked gently.

I swallowed hard a few times and cleared my suddenly dry throat before choking out, "Uh yes, yes that's fine. Um thank you Don, I'll be there tomorrow morning then."

We said our goodbyes and I slowly hung up the phone. I stared off into space for a while and then I felt familiar arms circle my waist and pull my body back against hers. Ashley kissed my neck and asked softly, "Are you ok Blue?"

I nodded and said, "I think so. The jury reached a verdict, we find out tomorrow morning."

Ashley squeezed me tighter and ran her hands over my stomach. I sighed and leaned back into her, resting my head against her shoulder. She kissed my cheek and murmured, "No matter what the outcome is tomorrow it is almost over and I will be with you every step of the way, I promise you that."

I smiled faintly, "I know baby, I just…I just want him locked up so badly."

Ashley nodded, "I know, me too Spence. I am sure he will get what's coming to him. There is no way he can beat this one, he is guilty and the jury could see that. It is all going to be ok."

I turned around in her arms and looped my arms around her neck, "I know it will Brown, I know it's going to all be ok. How can it not be when I have you?"

Ashley blushed shyly and pressed a sweet kiss to my lips which I eagerly returned. For some reason I felt calm. I felt ok.

I slipped from Ashley's arms and took her hand as I led her down the hall to my music room. I sat her down on the battered armchair and pulled and acoustic guitar into my lap as I perched on the piano stool. I smiled at her as I began strumming random notes.

"So I wrote a song the other day and I kind of want you to hear it. I was thinking it might be a good one to record and release as a fundraising single. I want to set up a foundation that raises money to support women who have been victims of violence and assault. I was thinking the foundation could fund counseling and legal assistance, maybe do some training and education courses, you know that kind of thing," I rambled excitedly.

Ashley just stared at me in wonder and said gently, "Wow, you are amazing. Spencer, I think that is a wonderful idea and I will help you however I can."

I beamed at her and began strumming the opening chords of the song, "This song is called Brand New Day," I murmured over the music before I began to sing.

"I'm waking up  
The world is turning  
The sun is shining again  
I'm holding on  
To things I shouldn't  
It's time to let them go  
I've been on a losing streak  
Hit so hard I couldn't speak  
But when I hear Your voice it fades away"

I winked at Ashley as she tapped her fingers on her leg to the rhythm of the song. She had a grin on her face and an excited gleam in her eye. I took a breath and launched into the chorus.

"And I can hear You say  
It's a brand new day  
The pain goes away  
I'm headed for the door  
And I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home

Your love, it burns  
Away my darkness  
You guide me when I'm blind  
You are the light  
That shines inside me  
Showing me I'm  
So much more  
When I've been on a losing streak  
Hit so hard I couldn't speak  
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say  
It's a brand new day  
The pain goes away  
I'm headed for the door  
And I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home

Take me into Your arms  
My home lies within Your heart

And I can hear You say  
It's a brand new day

And I can hear You say  
It's a brand new day  
The pain goes away  
I'm headed for the door  
And I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home

And I can hear You say  
It's a brand new day  
The pain goes away  
I'm headed for the door  
And I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home  
I'm going home"

I belted out the lyrics and strummed the last few notes, smiling hesitantly as the room fell into silence. I placed the guitar on its stand and waited for Ashley to say something.

Ashley shook her head and whispered, "that was incredible Spencer. I loved it, and I love you so fucking much!" With that Ashley was on her feet and soon straddling my lap and she clung to me tightly.

I kissed her cheek and said, "You have been my rock Ashley, I couldn't have faced any of this without you, I certainly couldn't face tomorrow without you. You are my miracle Ashley Davies and I love you more than I can ever say."

Ashley raised her tear-filled eyes to mine and pressed a passionate kiss to my lips as her arms held me impossibly tight. I surrendered to her embrace and held her back just as tight.

After a few moments Ashley pulled back and smiled a watery smile at me, "How are you not a big bundle of nerves Blue? How are you being so calm?"

I let out a little chuckle and murmured, "Look I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I don't know what's going to happen, but for tonight it's only you and me. Nothing else matters."

Ashley kissed me again and I wrapped her legs firmly around me as I got to my feet, taking her with me. I carried her down the hall and into my bedroom where I lay her on the bed reverently before lowering myself over her.

I rested on my elbow so I could look her in the eye and whispered, "I love you Ash, you and me my love, until the wheels fall off."

"Until the wheels fall off," Ashley echoed before leaning up to capture my lips in a tender kiss.

Soon our clothes were shed and I lost myself in her. There was no fear, doubt, pain or sadness so long as I had Ashley and she had me.

Tomorrow would come, there was no stopping that, but for that moment all there was in my world was Ashley and me.

Song used in this chapter:

Brand New Day by Fireflight


	56. Verdict

**Thank you to all who have read and reviewed on this story, you are the reason I do this!**

**I am sorry that the last few chapters were so long in coming, life got crazy…but in the best possible way! I fell in love with the most amazing woman and have never been happier. I am back now to another of my loves, writing. I am going to try and post more (on my other stories and possibly a few new ones) and for those who care to know, I am also working on a novel. **

**Thank you all again, you have no idea how much it means to me to have the support, encouragement and feedback from you all. Truly, thank you! **

**Here it is, the final chapter. It has been a long journey, which is now at an end.**

**Fear Itself**

**Chapter Fifty-Six - ****Verdict**

Spencer's POV

I woke up to the sun blinding me and Ashley clinging to my body like I was going to run away. I chuckled a little and lightly tickled her gently to loosen her vice-like grip. She moaned in her sleep and released me in order to roll away from my tickling fingers.

I planted a light kiss to her forehead before extracting myself from the bed and slipping a robe over my very naked body. I walked to the wardrobe to plan what I would wear to what I hoped was the last day I would spend in a court room for the rest of my life.

I was trying to decide between two shirts, a very challenging task, when I felt arms snake their way around my waist. Sneaky Ashley, I hadn't even heard her get up. I yelped in surprise and spun around to find her grinning adorably at me with her messy curls all over the place. I smiled lovingly and dropped a kiss on the tip of her nose.

"Good morning Brown," I purred.

Ashley beamed, "Good morning Blue. You alright this morning?" she asked gently.

I nodded, "Yeah I am, there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of today. It is going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. What will be, will be. All I can control is how I react to all this and I am choosing to be strong."

Ashley kissed me and replied, "I am so proud of you Sweetheart. It really is almost over you know."

I nodded and kissed her again before we both started getting ready.

We both dressed carefully and ate (well I was forced to eat) a big breakfast, before it was time to head to the court for the last time. I scoped up my bag and locked my front door behind us and then grabbed Ashley's hand as we walked down the stairs to her car. We climbed in and were on our way.

I felt my nerves returning as we drove the familiar route to the court house and couldn't stop the staccato beat my fingernails were making on the dashboard. Ashley was far too kind to tell me to stop it, but I did see her glance sideways from time to time. The relentless tapping would have driven me crazy had it not been me doing it.

We parked the car in the same underground car park we always used when attending our days in court and there I took a minute to collect myself. After a few deep breaths and internal pep talks, I straightened my shirt and swung my bag on to my shoulder, ready to face whatever was going to happen.

As soon as we arrived at the doors to the court we were surrounded by reporters and cameras all flashing away or yelling questions at us. They pushed and shoved at us roughly, all desperate to get their story at any cost. I sighed wearily and clung to Ashley, feeling immense relief when we were flanked by our loved ones and some security personnel that the label had organised. We were escorted inside and taken directly into the all too familiar court room to await the commencement of the final day of this trial.

I took my usual seat between Ashley and my Dad and let out a deep breath. I smiled gratefully at the people there to support me and laughed when Julian pulled a face at me, my laughter was of course his intention. Julian was a joker like that.

I blew him a kiss and smiled over at Kate as she sat next to Glen's Kate behind my mother. Mom flashed me a loving smile, which I returned before I settled back in my seat, taking Ashley's hand in my own to give it a loving squeeze. Ashley smiled over at me and squeezed my hand back. I was about to say something, I can't actually remember what, when the doors opened and Tom was dragged in by the guards.

And when I say dragged in, I mean literally dragged in. Tom was slumped in their beefy arms like a giant sack of shit and refused to walk. The big, burly guards dumped him unceremoniously into his seat and glared hatefully at him. Tom just slumped there, not moving or acknowledging their angry stares. It was actually like watching an over-sized child having a tantrum. It was pathetic.

I stared at him curiously, this was a side of Tom I had never seen and it disgusted me. He was a foul, sorry excuse for a man. He was childish and arrogant and he deserved the massive bitch-slap karma had coming his way.

Tom was soon joined by a shabby, but relieved looking Mr. Farmer, who was probably as relieved to see the end of this trial as I was. He sat at the table with Tom, but as far to the side as he could. He even refused to look at Tom and I didn't see him speak to his client at all.

I heard the door opening again and saw Mr. and Mrs. Brooks walk slowly into the room, both looked as though they had aged ten years since I last saw them, only days earlier. You couldn't help but feel for them a little…ok so a very tiny little bit. I saw Mr. Brooks hesitate beside the row of seats behind Tom where they usually sit. He turned to his wife and muttered something before turning on his heel and taking a seat on my side of the court room, a few rows back from my family and friends.

It was abundantly clear what Mr. Brooks' feelings were. Moving to sit on the side of prosecution sent a clear signal to the court and to Tom that his father had completely abandoned him. Mrs. Brooks looked torn between her son and her husband before starting to cry and moving to sit next to her husband, who instantly wrapped his arms around her.

I sighed and turned my face to the front of the court room, listening to the sounds of people taking their seats and having their whispered conversations. The voices all melded together into a din of noise, but that was ok, I kind of liked it.

I looked up and smiled at Felicity as she hurried in and took her seat behind the prosecution's table. She flashed me a million dollar grin and sat proudly in her seat, straightening out her very stylish black power suit. She was an impressive woman and I hoped that, despite the circumstances of our meeting, I would stay in touch with her following the conclusion of the trial.

I was starting to get a little impatient when the bailiff stepped forward and asked us all to stand up. Judge Kramer stepped out and took her seat, the rest of the court following suit. Her steel grey hair was perfectly styled, while her black gown flowed elegantly over her petite frame. She adjusted her steel frame glasses and shuffled her papers while surveying the court. I kept my eyes on her as the jury was brought in, I could have sworn she was looking at me too.

After some spiel from the bailiff it was time for the moment I had been waiting for throughout this case. It was time for the verdict.

The bailiff turned to Tom and Mr. Farmer and said, "Will the defendant please stand."

Tom stayed slumped in his seat, despite Mr. Farmer's harshly whispered orders to stand. I believe the exact words used by the defense lawyer were, "Get your stupid, lazy ass up you jackass." I guess Mr. Farmer's feelings for his client were now abundantly clear. I don't blame the little, shabby lawyer in the slightest.

The same guards who had dragged Tom into the court room moved to his side and yanked him roughly into a standing position, keeping a painfully tight grip on his arms as they stood one on each side of him.

Tom just glared defiantly at the Judge, the arrogance on his face making me want to slap him silly.

I leaned forward in my seat, one hand gripping Ashley's while the other was held tight in my father's loving grasp. The silence in the court room was deafening as everyone waited on baited breath.

Judge Kramer turned to the jury foreperson and asked solemnly, "Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?"

The foreperson rose to her feet and said in a loud, clear voice that set my heart pounding in anticipation, "We have your Honour." The foreperson turned to face the court briefly, her eyes catching mine while her expression stayed unreadable.

Judge Kramer nodded and asked, "For the charges of attempted rape, assault and unlawful harassment how do you find the defendant?"

The foreperson locked her eyes on Judge Kramer's briefly before turning to look at me. She took a deep breath and said with her head held high, "The jury finds the defendant, Thomas Eugene William Brooks…guilty of all charges!"

There was an almighty roar of rage as Tom fought to tear himself from the grasps of the guards. He screamed like a deranged, rabid animal and struggled in their impenetrable holds. I heard the sounds of a half scream followed by guttural sobbing behind me and turned to see Mrs. Brooks slumped against her husband as she sobbed brokenly into his chest. Mr. Brooks caught my eye and flashed me a sad smile, right before the first of many tears trickled down his face.

I was dumbfounded, never in my wildest thoughts had I ever expected to see Mr. William Brooks cry! I guess there really was a heart in the old man afterall.

I heard cheers and clapping and congratulations from all those around me, but I sat still, silent, taking it all in.

The guards wrestled Tom into submission and forced him to stand still. Judge Kramer fixed her ice blue eyes on him and practically snarled, "Thomas Eugene William Brooks, you have been found guilty of the charges against you and it is the decision of this court that you will serve a jail term of 15 years, with a no parole period of 8 years."

Tom launched himself forward while screaming, "You fucking stupid bitch, you fucking dirty slut! You can't do this, you fucking troll! I will get out of this, you'll see! I'll appeal and make you look like the fucking joke that you are! No fucking, whimpering, weak woman will fuck me up!"

Tom spun around, causing the guards to stagger, but not lose their grip. He locked his eyes on me and spat violently on the ground, "You're a whore Spencer, you and your fucking filthy dyke have ruined my life. Don't think I will ever forget, I will make sure you fucking pay for this! You will never be free of me you fucking pathetic, little bitch. You are going to spend the rest of your miserable life looking over your shoulder for me and one day I'll be there to pay you back for all you've cost me! Mark my words Spencer Carlin, you will pay for what you have cost me!"

I rose to my feet and stepped forward until I was leaning against the barrier that separated the front of the court from the audience seats. I sneered at Tom and said disdainfully, "I am in no way afraid of you Tom. You have no power over me any more. I will walk out of this court today and you will cease to exist to me. You will be relegated to my past and to me it will be like you are dead. I will not look over my shoulder for you, I will not fear you. You are nothing to me Tom, you are nothing."

I laughed and shook my head, "You are less than nothing Tom."

Tom snarled and attempted to get at me, obviously being restrained by the guards. I laughed softly and shook my head as they hand cuffed his wrists behind his back. I felt a presence beside me and turned to find Ashley at my side. She leaned in and kissed my cheek before turning to face Tom and smirking smugly as she said in a fake friendly tone, "a word of advice Tom, when it comes to shower time…don't drop the soap."

Tom roared and kicked as the guards dragged him out of the room on the Judge's insistence. He was off to prison, and I could finally close that period of my life. I turned to face Ashley only to be pulled into her arms. She kissed my cheek and murmured, "Let's get you out of here."

I nodded and followed everyone out. I slumped limply against the wall outside of the court room, a shocked numbness settling over my body. I looked around me at my friends and family as they hugged and celebrated and then raised my eyes to meet Ashley's. I found her standing beside me with a heart melting smile full of pure love, relief and happiness.

She stepped closer to me and tilted her head as she murmured, "So what now Blue?"

I pondered the question for a moment and felt a soft smile break out on my face. I took a step closer to her and let out a little chuckle before I took her hand and said, "Well now I get to really live and I get to do that with you."

Ashley beamed her truly gorgeous, nose crinkling smile. I tugged her forward and wrapped my arms around her before capturing her lips in a heated kiss that held all the promise of the future.

It was over, the past could now be laid to rest and I could finally really move onto a wonderful, full and amazing life with the woman who not only gave me hope, but saved my life

Ashley Davies, you are my heart and soul, my inspiration and my redemption, my hope and my future, my love and my life. I am so glad to be on this journey with you.

The only thing to fear is fear itself, and now I have no more fear of the past and no more fear of the future. Now I am truly free.

The below line was suggested by Your Restless Lover in a previous review, thank you!

- "a word of advice Tom, when it comes to shower time…don't drop the soap."

**So that's it folks, hope you liked it!**


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